Original subtitles

Grandma, why do you buy these tabloids?

Oh, it's just for fun.

You can't believe this stuff.

All right.

The Virgin of Guadalupe says the Lakers will repeat.

She called it last time.

I love this exhibit.

Lunch lady of the past and lunch lady of the future.

We're dyeing our hair.

Yeah, now move it, George. I need the sun to cook the juices.

And your head's making an eclipse.

I smell barbecue and hair. You must be done.

What color are you dyeing your hair?

We're putting red streaks in it.

Mom, can you talk to me before you start painting my kids?

Remember when you were 13 and you shaved your head?

Now we're even.

Mom, the school made me shave my head. I had life.

You didn't have life.

You were a thinker, so you scratched your head a lot.

Hey, Carmen.

Oh, my God, go away. Don't look at me.

What's up?

I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.

Put your ass away.

George, this is Duncan.

Hello, everybody.

What do you think?

It looks like you fell asleep in ketchup.

Stop.

Carmen, it looks great.

Thanks, Mom.

We're going to go study. Wait a second.

Just the two of you? George, don't make a big deal. It's okay. They're just

friends.

Thanks, Mom.

Okay, let's go.

So, uh, what do you think of my hair?

See, it looks good, baby. Oh, God, stop.

She'll be pregnant in a week.

see you're up and working again. What time do they come by and fix the

Ernie, you know you can't eat on the shop floor.

Is that lettuce on your chin?

Open your mouth. Open your mouth.

Ernie, don't make me open your mouth.

If I can do it to a dog, I can do it to you.

I gotta eat.

I'm depressed. My girlfriend broke up with me.

I have this empty space inside that only ham can fill.

You can't keep doing this every time you get hurt, dude.

Ham can't replace the love of a woman.

Only beer and golf can do that.

Hey, Bob's big boy, you eating again?

Leave him alone, Mom. He's got woman trouble.

How can he have woman trouble? He can't get one.

Why do you always keep people when they're down, Mom? You know you never

anything good to say.

You're right.

We should be celebrating. You're going to be a grandpa.

Mom, Angie and I already discussed it. They were just studying.

Right. Just studying.

Remember how when you were 13, you went in the bathroom to study the Sears

catalog?

You know, Mom, one day I'm going to walk into a shrink's office with a

wheelbarrow full of cash and talk until he begs me to leave.

Hey, Claudia.

Hi, boss man.

I hope this isn't too personal a question, but how old were you when you

dating? I was almost 14.

Yeah. Tommy Jenkins.

Oh, what a sweetie.

Yeah, we would hold hands for hours.

So it was kind of innocent. You were just hanging out? Yeah.

Until my parents went to bed.

We went at it like a couple of baby monkeys.

Oh, man.

What?

Well, how old were you?

17.

She told me you'll never find a woman as wonderful as your mother.

So I figured if that's the best I'm going to do, why look?

Hey, guys.

Hey, Dad. What's up, Ben? Hey, Ernie. What's up?

He's lonely.

I can't shake him. My girlfriend dumped me.

Well, it's her loss, Ernie. You're a catch.

And if I had any single girlfriends, I would set you up. What about Elizabeth?

No, that's not going to work out. Oh, God.

So where's Carmen? Oh, she's upstairs studying with Duncan.

Upstairs?

Duncan's in her room?

Max wouldn't leave them alone. Carmen says they're studying and I trust her.

What about Duncan?

Angie, that kid walked in our house with his pants half off.

If he trips, they could have sex by accident.

better if we just fill that giant head of yours with candy and just let the

take a swing at it.

You got a big head.

Max, remember that time you got in trouble for spying on your sister?

Yeah. You said I was wrong.

Well, son, I think you're going to find the older you get, the line between

right and wrong is going to move around a lot.

Go spy on your sister and Duncan and tell them if they do anything wrong.

Like what?

Like swearing or stealing.

or anything that makes you feel happy in a way you don't understand.

Oh, man.

What's wrong with me?

Even 13 -year -olds have girlfriends. Why can't I keep a woman?

No, dude.

Just when you start to fall in love, you run out of quarters and that little

window goes down.

I'm serious.

If I could get a girl to hang out just long enough for me to do my move, she'd

be mine like forever.

Oh, man. What's your move?

Hey!

Hey, man, does your move always smell like Cheetos?

Uh -oh, that was quick.

What do you got for me?

What do you got for me?

You get to eat my food and sleep in my house for one more day.

I couldn't see anything.

The bedroom door's closed.

Oh, man, I knew it!

What's going on?

Well, it's hard to explain, man.

You see, when boys and girls get older, they start to pair off until there's

just one guy left.

That's me.

All right, you two.

Dad, what are you doing?

Just making sure everybody's got a pair of pants and they're on.

All right, this room's okay.

Carmen, your mom wants you downstairs.

I didn't hear her call me.

Well, you know, when you've been married as long as we have, there's almost like

a telepathy.

Okay. Okay, Angie. Okay.

She's on her way down. Angie, stop yelling at me.

Okay, but if you kill him, you'll just go to jail and you'll have a boyfriend.

First, you want to do yourself a really big favor?

Get off the bed.

Sure.

Look, where I come from, we weren't ever allowed in the room with a girl.

And I'm going to tell you straight.

I don't like it.

And I want you to know I'm watching you.

Even when you don't think I'm around, I'm watching you.

When you're sleeping in your little race car bed, I'm watching you.

Even if you start to think, hey, maybe he's not watching me, I'm watching you.

Pop quiz. What am I doing right now, Duncan?

Watching me, sir.

There you go.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Off the bed!

I'm sorry my dad was such a jerk yesterday.

Maybe we shouldn't be talking about him. He kind of scares me.

It's just a big head.

It scares a lot of people, but he's harmless.

Hang on. That big head just floated in.

Doing your homework?

What do you think?

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. I love it when you embarrass me in front of my boyfriend.

Do you have to call him that?

Well, then how about if I call him my man?

Why don't we call him Caucasian male? Because that's what's going to be on the

coroner's report.

You're being so uncool.

It's not my job to be cool.

I don't want you alone with Duncan.

Got it?

Got it.

Come on.

No. Come on.

Come on. If you hug me, I'll leave.

That's my girl.

But you said you'd leave.

Come on, honey. Hurry up. We gotta get you to dance class.

We have another 10 minutes. I know, but I wanna get out of here before Grandma

Benny gets here. Good idea. Go out the...

I'm sorry, Benny, but usually there's a cold chill before you appear.

Carmen had the boyfriend, and you're still letting her out of the house?

Mom, I got it under control.

I talked to her about Duncan, then we hugged.

Hugged. Oh, that's different. That's so sweet. I wish I'd been there with the

camera to take a picture of how stupid you are.

Oh, you're in such a good mood today, Mom.

You smoking with the patch on again?

If you want your daughter to stay out of trouble, you've got to keep an eye on

her. Have you searched her room yet? No.

What are you waiting for?

Hey, hey, hey, there's limits.

Just because you searched my room doesn't mean I'm going to search hers.

You did a lot of stuff that was way over the line, Mom.

Like what over the line?

Like even after I left the house, you tried to keep me away from girls.

Sylvia at work? You threatened her.

Sylvia? She was a slut.

To look through her stuff, I am. Mom. Mom.

It's a condom.

Mom, that's a wet nap.

What's that? That's a computer.

Karma's got an instant message.

His big head's still there.

It's a message from Duncan.

Hey, you still there?

Don't worry.

Big Dad has left.

Hey, I know you were a little scared yesterday, but wasn't that fun?

What was the most fun for you?

Please be specific.

Watching you do it over and over again until you got it right.

Oh, my God!

Has anyone seen my dance bag?

Hey, explain this, young lady.

What's going on? What were you doing with Duncan over and over again until

got it right?

You were talking to Duncan as me? I don't believe this. Answer the question.

What were you doing?

We were doing half -pipes. Oh, my God, and you're doing drugs, too.

Angie, do you know this kid does half -pipes? A half -pipe is where you ride

your skateboard. Duncan was teaching me. Mom was there the whole time.

What is going on here?

Dad was talking to Duncan on the computer pretending to be me.

Are you out of your mind?

I don't believe you. You're the worst dad ever.

How can I be the worst dad ever?

There's Macaulay Culkin's dad and...

is my teacher.

Mrs.

Johnson, what do you like about her?

I don't know.

There's the sweater.

When she wears it, it makes everything okay.

George, can you come in the kitchen, please?

What were you thinking, George? Going on the internet pretending to be a 13

-year -old girl.

The FBI has a whole division looking for guys like you.

I was snooping on Carmen because I was worried about her. No, you invaded her

privacy. You can't do that. It's wrong.

I realize that. I got caught, so it's wrong.

Look, I worry about her, too, but I trust her judgment.

George, we can't be with her every minute of the day.

Yes, we can. I saw this camera on the Internet. Angie, it's this small.

Listen to me. We are raising her right. And when the time comes, she'll make the

right decision.

Now I'm going to take Max to karate, and when Carmen gets back from the movies,

I really think you should apologize to her.

Are you there?

Yes, I'm here.

I'm Carmen. Over.

I'm glad I got you before you left.

Well, here's some sucky news.

I'm grounded, so I can't go to Stacy's party tonight.

Yes, that is sucky.

Good thing I'm going, right?

Yeah. Do your parents still think you're going to the movies?

What?

Of course they do those...

Idiot. Hey, will there be alcohol there even though we are underage?

Stacy's parents won't be there so anything goes.

Hey, come on. I thought we were going to watch a fight.

Ooh, a chat room. All right.

Hey, I'm going to listen to Milano on one of those.

Do you know she runs a body shop in Albuquerque?

Hey, I got to go.

Parents coming.

Good luck with Duncan tonight.

Good luck with Duncan.

Hey, why is there a smiley face?

No, it's a winking face.

See, because it's winking.

Like, good luck with Duncan.

My God.

Come on, we're going to go break up a party.

Oh, all right, breaking up a party.

This will make a good story for Elisa Milano. Or maybe I should save it for

Liu. She's an opasso.

Who is it?

I'm Mr. Lopez, Carmen's dad. Open the door, I'm knocking it down on top of

No way.

Hey, hey, hey, I'm just kidding.

I bought you guys some beer.

All right.

Sorry, I left your beer in the future.

Okay, listen up.

Party's over.

Nobody goes anywhere until the parents pick them up. There's the phone right

there. Start calling.

Where the hell is Carmen Lopez?

It's Carmen San Diego, moron.

Do me a favor. Grab some scissors and go run around the yard.

Oh, my God, Dad. What are you doing here? What the hell are you doing back

there? Nothing.

Where's Duncan?

He left.

He's lucky.

Did you think you were really going to get away with this?

You blew it, Carmen. You were in so much trouble. Max is going to get punished

just because there's so much extra left over.

Ernie, can you stick around until all the parents come? Yeah, no problem. All

right, thanks.

Come on, let's go.

All right, Ernie's in charge now.

So, who's got a hot single mom?

I said hot.

This isn't going to work, Carmen. You just can't run up to your room and hide.

Especially since you don't have a key.

Before we go in there... I want you to know how much this is going to hurt your

mother. She trusted you.

Cry all you want, but you're never going to see that Duncan kid again. I don't

care about Duncan. He's a jerk.

What do you mean he's a jerk? What happened at the party?

He broke up with me.

You got what you wanted. Are you happy now?

Well, it's a little hard to be happy with all the crying.

Just because I'm mad at you doesn't mean you can't talk to me. I'm your father.

We were making out. Okay, give me a second.

I'm here. I'm good.

Then he tried to do some other stuff.

Not stupid.

I'm proud of you and your mom's going to be proud of you. You did the right

thing tonight with that boy. You don't understand.

That's all he wanted. He never liked me.

Ever.

Not the way I liked him.

I'm sorry, Carmen.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better. You can't.

Maybe you could say something to make me feel better.

Have you thought about how you're going to raise the kids after I'm dead

sometime later this week?

You're not going anywhere without me.

Where, Angie? This kid's going to kill me. She's 13 years old. I can't take

three more years of this.

Why? What happens when she's 16?

We throw her in the volcano and the gods let us live forever.

You know what, George?

Everything's going to be okay.

Is that the best you can do?

No.

Give me a second.

really learned a lesson and shall never lie to us again.

Now you're talking.

You are the best father ever in the history of parenthood. Uh -huh. Our lawn

is the envy of the neighborhood.

Damn straight.

Your mother will fall into a deep hole where she will be very happy, but she

will never be able to contact.

in the history of the universe.

Tell me about my mom falling in the hole again.

I can't believe I've helped her, Duncan. He's such a jerk.

Honey, we've all been there. My first boyfriend left me for my best friend

because she had bigger boobs.