Original subtitles

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Oh,

I love it. This is going to be great.

Okay, you can let it down now.

Are you sure every brother does this for his sister?

Absolutely. Did Alex do it for you?

He wanted to, but he just wasn't right for it.

How come?

Well, Alex has a weird body.

It's like his head is too big for the rest of him.

Maybe the restroom is just too small.

That's probably it.

Oh, what the heck is this?

Calm down, Alex. Dennis is helping me hem a skirt. It's no big deal. No big

deal, Mel. He is a healthy, happy six -year -old boy. He should not be

on a counter in a dress.

Especially not this dress. The color's all wrong.

You wish you could be standing up here, Alex, but you can't because your body's

weird.

Andy, honey, why don't you go outside and play?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. What do you mean my body is

You got a big head. Ask Mallory.

Did you tell him?

Alex, leave me alone.

He said that the rest of your body is too small.

You said that.

I have got a perfect body, okay? And you cannot beat my head.

You make a phenomenal set.

Fine, Alex, whatever you say.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Is there something wrong with my head? I mean, tell me, because I would like to

know.

Alex, it's no big deal. You've just got the little...

Elmer Fudd thing working for you, that's all.

Elmer Fudd.

I'm getting out of here.

Elmer Fudd. What is Elmer Fudd? Ask me whether or not you had done this. Hi,

guys.

Jay, what's the matter with you? You look miserable.

You really do. Jay, you look awful.

But before we discuss that, let me ask you something.

Is there something wrong with my head?

Does Easter Island mean anything to you?

What's the matter, Jan? What's wrong?

This may be the worst day of my school career.

Why? What happened?

I had to do a book report for my English class.

Jan, I'm so sorry.

No, the problem is I wanted to do my report on Huckleberry Finn.

You were in luck, Jan. I did a paper on that.

No, Mel, that was Huckleberry Hound.

Oh, that's right.

I found out in school today that Huckleberry Finn is not on the school's

accepted reading list. It's banned.

Banned? Well, that's absurd.

When did this happen? Well, it's a new policy. It just went into effect.

Well, I wish they banned books when I was in high school.

They start everything good after I leave.

How can they ban Huckleberry Finn? I mean, every kid reads Huck Finn.

It's a great American novel.

It symbolizes the unrest and ferment of the country as the Western frontier was

coming to a close, and we as a nation were forced to confront the issues of

racism, slavery, and industrialism.

God, maybe I didn't read it.

Who decided this?

The Leland Heights School Board. They gave me this letter to take home, a

of information about it.

Oh, Jan, if you're lucky, they'll ban this packet, too.

Looks pretty deadly.

Hi, guys.

Mom, Dad, I'm glad you're here. I've got something to tell you, and I don't

think you're going to like it.

The greeting all parents yearn for.

It's something that happened at school today.

Yeah, let's break it to them easy, okay? Just remember, they're liberals.

They could spontaneously combust.

Alex is right.

I know how upset you guys get about these things.

Well, what is it, honey?

I wanted to do a book report on Huckleberry Finn.

All right.

But don't let it happen again.

I can't. Huckleberry Finn is banned.

Banned? That's ridiculous. What are you talking about? Okay, okay, okay. Take it

easy. Don't say just sit in or anything.

I knew the school board's been talking about this, but I never dreamed they'd

dare to do it.

This is amazing. If we live two miles down the road in the Columbus School

District, this wouldn't be a problem.

We'd be closer to the mall, too.

Was there any discussion about this at school?

Or is everyone just going to stand there and allow this to happen? I mean, what

about your English teacher? Well, Mr. Flaherty is just as upset about this as

am, but he said there's nothing that can be done about it. No, there's no way we

are going to let this happen. This is completely wrong.

I totally agree with you, Dad. We've got to fight this. Oh, absolutely. This is

a disgrace to the community, to the state, to the country.

Do I have a big head?

I hadn't had a bite to eat since yesterday.

So, Jim, he got out some corn dodgers and buttermilk and pork and cabbage and

greens. There ain't nothing in the world so good when it's cooked right.

And whilst I ate my supper, we talked and had a good time.

I was powerful glad to get away from the feuds, and so was Jim to get away from

the swamp.

We said there weren't no home like a raft after all.

With those stockings, I'm going to die.

Mallory, please, your dad's reading from a great piece of American literature.

It's a, yeah, it's a great story.

I'll be right with you.

I'm sorry, my family keeps interrupting.

Go on.

You know, I used to love that book when I was a kid.

I, uh... I'd always imagine myself at Huck's place, you know, lying out there

the river at night, free as can be.

And only, uh... Well, mine wasn't a raft.

It was a cabin cruiser.

Complete wet bar, satellite dish.

Hot tub.

I don't know. I still like Twain's version.

To each his own, Pop.

All right, I'm off the phone. I'm ready to talk about the book.

That's probably for me.

Hello? Hi.

I can't believe the Leland Heights Board of Education finds all these books

unacceptable.

Catcher in the Rye, Grapes of Wrath, Slaughterhouse -Five?

That's preposterous. I mean, what books can you read?

Well, we're down to Babar Goes to Holland and the Yogi Berra story.

Well, this is infuriating. Every one of these books is a classic. I mean, how

can they justify that? Well, the argument is that the books contain

language or offensive imagery that's unacceptable for pre -college students.

The irony is that in Island Tree School District v. Pico, Justice Brennan said,

no local school board shall remove books from school library shelves simply

because they dislike the ideas contained in those books, nor by their removal

seek to prescribe what shall be orthodox in politics, nationalism, religion, and

other matters of opinion.

How did you know that? I know everything.

Alex, I've got to admit, I'm surprised you're on our side in this issue, to

think that book banning is actually bringing us closer together.

Well, Dad, I do enjoy keeping you on your toes, but basically I agree with

Stuart Mill's philosophy that a free flow of ideas and information is

to keeping alive the spirit of a libertarian and utilitarian vision

against the oppressive weight of ignorance and totalitarianism.

Did you swallow a dictionary recently?

I'm just saying that regardless of the contents of a book, I believe that we

have to preserve the rights of freedom of thought and freedom of speech for

every American citizen.

A straight lettuce diet? That's wild.

With certain obvious exceptions.

I don't think the books on this list are just the kind of things a high school

student should be reading. I mean, they're provocative, they're insightful.

They make you think. What's wrong with that? The problem the school board has

with the book is that Huck's best friend is sometimes referred to as nigger Jim.

Now, look, that's definitely offensive, but it shouldn't be taken out of

context. At the time Twain wrote the book, it was common usage in Missouri.

The whole point of the story is how Huck learns that a man's color is not

important and that everyone deserves to be free.

Jim is the most noble character in the book.

There are also objections on religious grounds.

Apparently, the school board dislikes the fact that Huck says he would rather

to hell than turn Jim back into slavery, that he, in fact, rejects God.

Okay, I'm off the phone. I'm all yours.

Great.

Now we get to the bottom of this.

What about the other kids, Jim? Or are you the only one who wants to read a

that's on this list?

Well, I don't want to do my report on this book because the book is banned. I

happen to love that book.

Jan, look, if you want to do your book report on Huck Finn, then you should do

it on Huck Finn, and the rest of us will support you on that, right?

Yeah, definitely.

Okay, but it's got to be your decision.

You know, I never thought reading a book would be something I'd have to fight

for. You know, Jan, I once had a brush with censorship myself. Remember, Elise,

back in Berkeley, huh, 1963?

I wrote an article for the Berkeley Gazette.

Fluctuating electoral demographics in the 1962 congressional race.

It was censored? Oh, yes.

On what basis?

Oh, well, it was incredibly boring.

I mean, boring in the best, most interesting sense of the word.

Thank you, dear. That's exactly what you said in your review at the time.

This is a book report I want to do, and it doesn't seem right that I should be

stopped from doing it. No, it doesn't.

Anyway, I don't want to read the Yogi Berra story.

And you shouldn't have to.

Freedom of speech is guaranteed in the Constitution, and basically they're

throwing out the Bill of Rights.

All right.

If we don't take a stand, who will? I mean, where will this all end?

All right.

So, basically, you're going to read the book, do the book report.

Risk possible failure in English, jeopardize your chances of getting into

college other than Grant, and become a social outcast in your own community.

I guess so.

That's our girl.

When he was 19, Yogi batted 315, had 103 RBIs, and was elected to the All -Star

team. It was also during the season that Yogi told his teammates that he would

one day become spokesman for a wonderfully thirst -quenching chocolate

drink called Yoo -Hoo.

The rest is beverage history.

Very nice, Jill. I think we all feel a little closer to Yogi.

But I think I'd like you to try something a little more challenging next

I haven't done anything on hockey.

Sit down, Jill.

Jennifer, you ready?

I think so.

You don't know about me without you have read the book by the name of The

Adventures of Tom Sawyer.

But that ain't no matter.

So began Twain's American classic, Huckleberry Finn.

Jennifer, can I speak to you for a minute?

Uh, Martin, perhaps you could begin your paper?

Athlete, broadcaster, soft drink spokesman.

Who is this great American?

Yogi Bear.

Jennifer, I thought I made myself clear on this.

You know Huckleberry Finn isn't on the approved reading list.

I know, Mr. Flaherty, and I've given it a lot of thought. And I don't approve of

the approved reading list. Neither do I. But I am a teacher in this school

system, and I have to abide by those rules.

I'm sorry, Mr. Flaherty, but I really feel strongly about this.

Jennifer, if that's the case, I have no choice but to call Dr. Hewitt.

Oh, no, not Hewitt the Hun.

She's gonna find out eventually.

Billy.

Go to the principal's office.

What'd I do?

Nothing. Just go tell Dr. Hewitt I need to see her.

Hewitt the Hun?

Uh, look, I'm sorry, Jim, but I gotta do what he says. I'm failing.

Jennifer, I hate to have to do this.

You understand the position I'm in. You always told us to think for ourselves

and to have the courage of our convictions. And if we really believe in

something, then to act on it.

I hope you know what you're doing, Jennifer.

This is serious business.

Good afternoon, Mr. Flaherty.

Is there a problem?

I'm afraid there is. Dr. Hewitt, you know Jennifer Keaton? Of course.

She's about to do her book report on Huckleberry Finn.

Jennifer, are you aware that district policy does not allow us to discuss that

book in the classroom?

Yes, I am, Dr. Hun.

Dr. Hewitt, um...

But I don't think it's right.

Well, you are certainly entitled to your opinion. But as long as you're a

student in this school, you have to abide by school regulations.

If you have a problem with a particular policy, I suggest you take it up with

the Board of Education.

Mr. Flaherty, why don't we give Jennifer time to find another suitable book and

give her report in the near future?

No. This is the book report I'm going to give.

As Dante once said, the hottest places in hell are reserved for those when

of moral crisis remain neutral.

What does that mean?

I think she's just making conversation.

So, in conclusion, this is one of the best books I've ever read.

I recommend it to everyone in this class.

And I leave you with this question to ponder.

Is Yogi Berra related to Yogi Bear?

And if so...

How?

My book report is about Huckleberry Finn. Jennifer.

Written in 1884, about 20 years after the Civil War ended, this book is not

the story of a young man's journey down the Mississippi, but it's also the story

of America's journey from innocence to maturity.

All right, Andy, we're almost finished.

You know, I asked around. Other brothers don't do this.

Um, well, you're special.

I know, but the thrill is starting to wear off.

Oh, a little tailoring going on, huh?

Yes, we're almost finished.

Uh -huh.

Need any help?

You can't help. Remember, your head's too big.

All right, all right. Just give me this tape measure. Oh, Alex, this is quite

unnecessary. Just put your finger right there, all right? No, I... Come on.

Swell head check, Alex?

All right, all right, listen. You guys are my parents. Help me out on this one.

Is my head too big for my body?

A little.

All right, okay, let me tell you something.

Maybe all of your heads are just a little too small for your bodies.

You ever think of that?

Hi. Hi.

Well, what happened?

Did you read from your Huck Finn report?

I did it. We are so proud of you, Jen. That took a great deal of courage. And

now my only hope is that you have the tuition money to pay for private school,

because that's definitely where I'm headed.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hey, what happened? Come on. Hey, don't kid around now. Private school is

expensive.

So when Mr. Flaherty found out that I was doing my report on Huck Finn...

He had to call down to the principal, Dr.

Hewitt. She warned me not to do it.

When I did it anyway, she took my pages away.

What? She confiscated your book report?

Yeah, I'm not even going to have a chance to be graded.

Not graded?

Jane, you get all the breaks.

Mel, I don't think you understand the implications of this.

No one should have the right to tell you what you should or should not read.

Yeah, Mal, come on. How would you like it if someone came into the Grand

Library and took the book out?

Well, I'm sure they'd have very good reasons for what they were doing.

Well, Mal, I don't think any of these are good reasons.

Banning the Diary of Anne Frank because it treated all religions equally.

Banning mice and men because of vulgarity. Banning cosmopolitanism.

It's cosmopolitan because it deals explicitly with sexual issues.

The swine, why aren't we doing something about this?

We're going to, Mel. We're going to call other parents, organize.

We're not going to back down from this. This is a question of free speech.

The Supreme Court said that.

Well, actually, what the court said was that the defendant's school board had

violated students' rights in censoring books from the school library.

Thus, the question becomes, whether the discretion of the school board to make

curricular decisions is impeded in any way by First Amendment considerations.

I told you, I know everything.

Maybe that's why your head's so big.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Yes, yes, we're very proud of ourselves.

Thank you.

I'll let her know.

That was Tricia Willis' father just saying he heard what you did in class,

the Willises are behind it 100%. Jennifer, you are a regular celebrity.

proud of you. Hey, maybe Dad can do one of his boring documentaries on you.

I mean boring in the best, most interesting sense of the word.

Hello,

Alex. How are you? I haven't seen you in a long time.

Has your head gotten bigger?

Mr. Flaherty, hello.

Oh, hi, Mr. Flaherty.

We heard what happened this afternoon. I can't begin to tell you how aggravated

and upset we are. I'm not thrilled with the way things went either.

But I just wanted to tell you how proud you should be of your daughter.

She really handled herself beautifully in a very difficult, sensitive

Thank you, Mr. Flaherty. That's good to hear anyway.

I also wanted to tell you I got your book report back from Dr. Hewitt.

I think it's the finest report on Huckleberry Finn I've ever read.

Sorry,

Alex. This was better.

Well, he stays in the family.

That's why it really hurts to tell you that I have to fail you on the report,

Jennifer. Why?

Because as far as the school board is concerned, Huckleberry Finn doesn't

Yeah, I'm sure Mark Twain would be thrilled to hear that.

Technically, if the book isn't officially recognized, there's no book

I can't believe it. I'm going to fail.

Hey, hey, hey. Listen, no Keaton has ever failed English.

Well... No more Keatons against

failing. Well, unfortunately, the failing isn't the worst of it.

Dr. Hewitt has said that unless Jennifer chooses to do another book report and

stops defying the rules of the school she's going to be suspended.

Well, I'm not backing down.

Watch The Frog.

Don't go away. There's more family ties coming up in less than 30 seconds. And

tonight at 6, check out San Diego's favorite comedy lineup. That's right.

Friends, Will and Grace, and everybody loves Raymond. Do -da, do -da. Smile.

You're watching San Diego's home for comedy, KSWB. Watch The Frog.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.