Original subtitles

As you all know, Lauren is doing a paper on the American family, and as you also

may know, she's chosen us to be her case study.

I mean, would you say that your life is the fulfillment of a dream that the two

of you set out for yourself?

But there were a lot of surprises along the way. Can you give me an example?

We thought about having a little brother or sister, and we decided that it could

be a lot of fun.

Yeah, the family needs a little shaking up anyway.

It's a boy.

Thank you!

Well, what are we going to sing?

Something for a baby.

Hey, do you know Let's Get Crazy by Twins?

This is him.

This is the guy I've been telling you about.

Here's your lunchbox.

Now, these are your coloring books and your crayons. Remember, how do we feel

about sharing?

Dad, you're really embarrassing me. This is not the place for you to be. Why do

you say that? Look around you, Dad. Do you see anyone else here who's shamed?

Jennifer, I just want to spend some time with you. I'm sorry, Dad, but this

isn't the right place.

If you don't leave, I will.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

I have to say, I learned a lot from that meeting.

Me too.

Like, don't ever be seen with your father in public.

It's a lovely thing your father did. It shows what kind of dad he is. He's got a

stay -at -home dad.

Dad, in the future, do us a favor, stay at home.

Can you think of other ways that your father embarrassed... I mean, got

in what you kids were doing? Nothing specific, but he was always involved.

Mom, too.

What would you say is the key to the closeness that you have with your

Honesty.

Talking out problems.

Financial dependence.

Get honesty in talking out problems.

We made a decision a long time ago that if anyone had a problem, they would come

to us and we would talk about it. And that works for you?

Definitely.

Well, sometimes it's a hard thing to do, like the time I had to tell Mom and Dad

that I might not graduate from high school.

Hi, honey.

I had the dress altered for you.

So excited you're going to be wearing it to your graduation.

It really means a lot to me.

What do you think of this frame, Mel? I think your diploma will look great in

here.

It looks nice the way it is, Dad.

Come on, Jan.

Mom, Dad.

There's something I have to tell you.

This isn't easy for me, and it's not going to make you happy.

I don't like it any more than you will.

Okay, I'm failing history. Unless I get a B on my final, which is not likely,

I'm not going to graduate.

Not graduate?

Why is this the first we're hearing of this?

I didn't mention it before?

No.

I guess I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, that I'd get that diploma

somehow. Well, how did you plan on getting this diploma, Mel? By going to

mall four nights a week?

By spending all that time with Nick? By talking on the phone all hours?

What do you want me to do?

I want you to start taking things seriously. I want you to grow up.

Mom, don't yell at me. I feel bad enough already.

Well, sometimes I have to yell at you. It's the only way I can get through to

you these days. Come on, come on, come on. Getting all upset isn't going to

help, Elise.

How could you do this, Mel? I didn't want to.

Can't you bring the grade up at all?

My teacher is so unfair to me.

I asked her if I could do extra credit.

She said, no, Mallory.

You have to get a B on the final or F.

There's no way I'm going to be able to do that.

There's still time.

What do you want me to do?

Look, I think your only choice now is to sit down and study as hard as you can.

Dad, what would be the point? I'd still flunk.

I'm not smart.

There's no way I can do this.

Smart, Mallory, you just don't apply yourself. Your teachers have always said

that. Look, if you give up on this, you're not even giving yourself a

Now, this time it's too important.

I'm scared.

You have no choice.

Well, I hit the book like I never did before.

And by the time the big exam came, I thought I was ready.

So, have you been studying?

Yes, a lot.

Well, good luck. Thank you.

Okay, I'm going to ask you six questions.

I want you to think about what you're going to say and be brief and to the

point. You ready? Uh -huh.

Okay.

What was the Louisiana Purchase and how did it affect Thomas Jefferson's

presidency?

Well, Thomas Jefferson wanted some land and Napoleon had some.

So we finally bought it for...

Fifteen million dollars.

Which wasn't a bad price considering it was from France.

I thought you said you studied.

I did.

That answer was gibberish.

Now tell me the answer in clear and coherent English.

I don't know what you mean.

Well, then you're going to flunk and you won't graduate. Mrs. Hillman. When are

you going to drop this charade and start acting like an intelligent young woman?

purchase affect thomas jefferson's presidency tell me what you think

intelligently can you do that or would you rather take that purchase was

difficult for jefferson because he supported states rights and when he made

purchase he was doing more for federal powers and we lost political backing for

the people of all the states rights i'm sorry i didn't mean that

That was an intelligent answer.

It was?

Yes, it was.

And that is the story of how I got to Grant College.

Grant College.

Where the school motto is, get left back, win a free pie.

Look, another grand college, dare we say, student.

What brings you by, Skip?

Nothing, just a slow night at my house. My mother's playing Mahjong, and my

dad's cleaning the furnace with an electric toothbrush.

Same old stuff.

What's going on here?

I'm interviewing the Keatons on what it's like to be a typical American

in 1987.

Oh, wow, then, Lauren, you might want to interview me, too. I mean, yeah, having

lived next door to the Keatons for so many years, I felt just like part of the

family. All right, go ahead, Skippy.

Can you remember a specific time when the family embraced you and included you

as one of its members?

Did we do that?

Why don't you mention it? I can.

It was when I first found out that I was adopted.

You were adopted?

Yes.

Skippy, we all know.

Well, anyway, the news was rather shocking, but with the encouragement

I decided to go see my natural mother, but it didn't turn out as great as I'd

hoped. She didn't want me back in her life. When we got back here, I was

crushed. Alex, I'm in a daze. I'm stunned.

My mother rejected me.

Again.

My mother never would have acted that way.

That's just the point, Skip.

She wouldn't have done that because she is your mother.

She loves you.

Wait a minute. Which mother are you talking about?

Talking about your mother. No, not the one from today, but your other mother,

your real mother.

The one from today is my real mother.

Well, that's true, but I was referring to the mother that you thought was your

real mother until a few days ago. When you said my mother, I thought you meant

my mother as in the one who was my mother first.

No, no, I'm talking about your other mother, not the mother who knew you

the mother that you knew first.

Got it.

What about her?

Skip, all I'm trying to say to you is this.

Your mother didn't reject you.

The woman who gave birth to you rejected you.

You mean my mother?

Let's not start this again, Skip.

Look, when you were seven years old and you got your head caught in the

banister, who got you loose?

My mom.

Which mom?

The one that raised me?

Mrs. Handelman?

That's right.

And when you were 13 years old and you got your head caught in the banister...

Who got you loose?

That time it was my dad.

Mr.

Handelman.

Skip.

If it wasn't for those two people...

Your head would be stuck in that bed.

It's true.

See, the woman you met today is your natural mother. And there's a guy out

who is your natural father.

But they haven't been a part of your life for 16 years.

Oh, even so, Alex.

How would you feel if you found out that your mom and dad aren't your natural

parents?

It would explain a lot of inconsistencies in my life.

Look, what it gets right down to, Skip, is the people who are most important in

your life are the people who love you and the people who care about you.

And you got those people just as much as I do.

You're home.

Yeah, just got back.

We would have been here sooner, but we got stuck at the Wilson Interchange.

I was worried you might. They ought to put better signs up there.

Oh, how'd it go, baby boy?

You don't have to call me that anymore.

Did you meet her?

Yeah, I met her.

She was...

Pretty nice.

Well, I'm glad you're real mother's knife.

You're my real mother.

Oh, Mom.

Hey, what about me? You're my real dad, Dad.

Let's go home and have real dinner.

Let's go home.

I just said that.

Honey.

Tell me, and you can be completely honest with me, okay?

Are we ever going to get to my personal history?

I'm afraid not.

Okay, okay.

That's fine.

I just think that we've discovered a very interesting area here.

More interesting than me? Have you seen my baby pictures?

You know, what I think is interesting is that in all this, there seems to be a

sense of responsibility that bonds this family together.

And whoever's in need, they always have someone to go to.

We try to be there for them, to guide them, to nurture, to support them.

Children need their parents.

Well, Dad, I mean, wait a minute, wait a minute. It's not just a one -way street

here. I mean, there have been times that you've come to me for help.

Really? Oh, I don't remember that.

Well, I do.

Oh, can anyone cite an example of when one or both of your parents came to you

for help?

Ooh, I've got a great one.

Okay, all right.

Dad, remember that time that old flame of moms came into town? They went out

dinner, and you got so jealous, you made a fool of yourself.

Dad,

what are you doing here? I thought you and Mom were going out with Richie

tonight. We did.

What happened?

Well, I embarrassed your mother. I embarrassed myself.

I embarrassed an old friend.

And as far as I can tell now, I'm probably completely wrong.

So it's nothing new then.

I guess not.

Listen, Dad, you know, you always told me that it takes a big man to admit when

he's wrong.

And to always try and keep a perspective on things.

To always respect the other person's point of view.

To understand your own motivation, control your own worst instincts.

To always rise above...

I'm sorry.

You're right.

Don't worry, Dad.

You're gonna pull through this.

And, uh, when you talk to Mom, cry if you have to.

You know, women like that.

You know, if you're back in, they think it's sensitive.

How did my little prank go over?

Stephen, stop it. What you did tonight was absolutely indefensible.

I'm so sick and tired of it. I don't want to hear another word about it.

Elise, I'm sorry, but I only did this because you're the most beautiful,

exciting woman I've ever met. And sometimes the passion I feel for you is

great, it makes me crazy.

I'm listening.

Do you remember the first day we met?

Freshman year.

You were lost.

You couldn't find your class.

I had a map.

Unfortunately, it was a map of Spain.

So we spent the day wandering around the town.

Getting ice cream.

Browsing through bookstores.

Falling in love.

Oh, you were so beautiful.

You still are.

Even after all these years, after all we've been through, after everything

that's happened, I still can't believe you picked me.

Go on.

Don't you see what I'm saying, Elise, when...

When Richie came here and I found out about the two of you, it just went right

to the heart of all the insecurities I've ever had about myself.

And about whether I'm good enough for you.

Stephen, what do you think I've been doing all these years?

Biting my time until I found someone I really liked?

I don't want to become one of those couples, Lace.

The ones that have settled, grown tired, bored, where everyone else is more

exciting than the person they're married to.

I don't want that either, Stephen.

I want there to be romance, love, going off.

How quick and impulsive when I walk through that door. I want that look.

look is mine.

What look?

My look.

The one that's supposed to be only for me. The look that tells me that we're

really meant to be together.

That I'm the one.

book that says all that?

Yeah, I showed it to you yesterday.

I can't do it. You do it. Forget the look. The look isn't important.

What's important is that we trust each other.

You're my best friend, Stephen.

I rely on you. I want you to rely on me.

I love you, Steven.

Let's go upstairs.

Why go upstairs, Captain Romance?

That's the look.

Get a camera.

You really do love me, huh?

Quick, somebody stop them before they start kissing. Get a bucket of water or

bang on some cymbals or something.

My parents never kiss in front of me.

At their most romantic, they might rub noses or pull each other's hair.

Well, I think that's all the time that we have for tonight.

In closing, if you had to pick one word that means family

to you, what would it be?

Love.

Love. Love.

Love.

Money.

Love of money.

Love.

I don't think you can sum up family.

It's a web of interchanging and always changing relations and emotions.

Come on, Alex. You're his big brother. No, this is for a ticket. Show him!

I need a new mom. This one's had it.

Do you know what it means that we're brothers?

It means that I have to do everything that you say.

That's a big part of it. Yep.

If you want to fit in around here, Nick, you got to look like me.

You got to act like me. You got to talk like me. You got to be another me.

Okay. I'll do it.

I'll do it because I love Mallory.

Why do you do it?

All right, okay, Jennifer.

All right.

I've tried to appeal to your sense of compassion.

I have no other option.

$10. $20. $12.

$17. $14 .50.

$15 .75.

$15 .25. $15 .50. Done.

You guys are really something. You know that? You're a very special couple.

You do things together. You learn from each other, share things, common

interests. You like being with each other.

What's your secret?

I never get in my way.

Do you know that I used to sit around just thinking about what it would be

if we got married?

Married?

Yeah. Yeah, I had the whole thing planned out.

A big ceremony at night, under a big tent, like a circus.

Exactly. But instead of walking down the aisle, I get shot out of a cannon

toward the altar.

And then, uh, we'd go on our honeymoon.

We'd go to Paris, where we'd spend our evenings dining alone on the banks of

Nile.

Skippy, the Nile's in London.

That's generic brand shampoo.

It's family, Alex. You can't escape it. Yeah.

I'm hip. I'm cool.

I'm a happening fool.

Well, let's slow this thing down, Elise.

You're going too fast.

Yesterday, Jennifer was two. Today, she's 11.

Alex is 18.

What the hell's going on here?

Life. That's what's going on.

I love you all so much.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you, honey.

I love me.

I love you, Dad.

I love you more every day.

I love you too, Steven.

Everything I care about, really, really care about is in this house.

Just think about how we just love each other.

Just remember those things.

We do.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.