Original subtitles

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

As you all know, Lauren is doing a paper on the American family, and as you also

may know, she's chosen us to be her case study. So I want you all to answer the

question to the best of your ability, all right?

Mom and Dad, feel free to refer to any old photo albums.

Mallory may need the aid of a thesaurus.

Or if Nick comes by, he may wish to express himself through cave paintings.

Any questions?

Yeah, who said you can do all the talking?

All right, all right, sorry.

It's fine.

Go ahead, honey.

Are there any questions before I get started with my questions? Ooh, ooh,

Um, Ms. Miller, um, you picked us as a typical American family.

Mm -hmm.

Uh, does this mean you, you, you find me to be typical? Because, uh, because I,

I've always kind of prided myself on not being typical. You know what I mean?

Not normal.

You've succeeded at that.

Okay, Mr. and Mrs. Keaton, I'll start with you.

Because after all, if it wasn't for the two of you, this family wouldn't even be

here.

What does she mean by that?

Because they're the mommy and daddy.

How did they get to be the mommy and daddy?

They won a raffle.

Okay, when you first met, did it ever occur to you that your life would turn

this way?

I mean, was having a family always the main goal?

Well, when I met Alif, it was truly magical. The first time I laid eyes on

I knew we'd be together forever.

I swear, at that moment, time and space did not exist.

Just us.

Is it any wonder I find him so attractive?

How come you didn't inherit any of your father's romantic side?

Hey, come on. Me?

You're kidding. I'm on the FBI's 10 most romantic list.

Violins play wherever I go.

Try leaving the room, see if the music starts up.

Okay, so then after the two of you met and you fell in love, did things go as

you hoped they would?

I mean, would you say that your life is the fulfillment of a dream that the two

of you set out for yourselves?

But there were a lot of surprises along the way.

Can you give me an example?

Well, when I found out that I was pregnant with Andy, that was a surprise.

A delightful surprise.

Are you okay?

Oh, sure, I'm fine.

I just couldn't sleep. I was so excited.

How are you two feeling?

Fine. Fine. How are you?

I had a little trouble sleeping. I can't stop thinking.

About what?

At least I'm 40 years old. I'm about to become a father again.

Last time I changed a diaper, Richard Nixon was president.

Thought I'd seen the last of both of them.

You know what I keep realizing?

What? We're going to have to start watching Sesame Street again.

Romper Room.

Mr. Rogers.

I like Mr. Rogers.

I have to start going to the zoo.

Pony rides.

Birthday parties.

Sterilizing baby bottles.

Tripping over toys.

Before you know it, the terrible twos will be upon us. Remember when Alex used

to run around the house all the time going, mine, mine.

He never really outgrew that, did he?

Seems like such a long time ago.

I know.

I've been doing some calculations.

When the baby's 10, I'll be 50.

When the baby's 20, I'll be 60.

When the baby's 30, I'll be 70.

Stephanie's a little old to have a baby, isn't it?

It won't be a baby when it's 30.

I guess you're right.

When the baby's 40, Jennifer will be 51.

I'm sorry, I'm just not used to the idea.

Neither am I.

It's a nice idea to get used to, isn't it?

I wish the kids were more excited.

Oh, they'll come around. Who could not love a beautiful newborn baby?

Besides, it gives it someone else to pick on.

You know, there's one other thing about this we haven't mentioned.

It's going to be real expensive.

I find it absolutely the sexiest thing in the world.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, come on, cut it out. You know, that's how you got into

trouble in the first place.

supposed to sleep, Mom? I'm about to become a brother for the third time.

It's not going to happen tonight, Alex.

It's not, is it, Elise?

I can almost guarantee it.

What's in the package?

Oh, it's something I picked up for the little guy.

Pull the string.

to get one of these for myself.

This little toy reminds me of when you were a baby.

Alex, do you remember that song we used to sing to you when you were little? It

was your favorite one and it always made you smile. Yeah, yeah. Uh, we're in the

money. No.

Don't you remember it was, um, I'm a little teapot short and stuck. Come on,

a hold on yourself. Here is the hand up, here is the stuff.

When I get all steamed up, dear me.

This is going to be a long nine months.

We thought about having a little brother or sister.

We decided that it could be a lot of fun.

Yeah, the family needs a little shaking up anyway.

Thank you, honey. This is beautiful.

Well,

it's getting pretty late.

I think we'd better call it a night, huh?

Oh, yeah.

It

did

seem like a long nine months.

But when Andy was born, it was an incredible thrill for us all.

Especially Alex, it seemed.

Oh, no, Stephen. Look, he says your eyes.

Maybe those are my eyes, but that is your nose. I know it anyway.

You're great.

Oh, thank you, love. Oh, so are you.

Can we come in? We heard a baby.

Ah, we thought it might be yours.

Come on in.

It's a boy. Thank you.

That was a magical moment.

Yeah, it was fun for me too.

What was it like to all of a sudden have a brand new baby in the house?

How were your daily patterns affected?

Well, all of a sudden there were diapers to change, formula to make.

Oh, rattles, first words.

The constant squeak from that jolly jumper. I thought I was going to break

its hinges.

Babies have tons of energy.

No, that was Alex.

I was just checking out the shocks on the thing, you know, making sure it was

safe.

What was the thing that changed most for the rest of the family? Was there

anything that you felt missing in your life?

Sleep.

What are you doing?

I'm going in to get Andrew.

Steven, that'll be the fifth time you've picked him up since midnight.

Elise, he's crying.

Honey, we've been through this before. If you pick Andrew up every time he

cries, he's never going to stop crying.

Elise, how can you be so cruel?

I've been alone for four minutes.

Four minutes is a big chunk of his life, Elaine.

We are not going to spoil this baby, Steven.

Come on, let's go back to bed.

This kid got lungs.

Elise.

Where are you going?

I have to straighten this picture.

Elise.

He's still crying, honey.

I thought you didn't want to spoil him.

I don't, but I can't bear to hear him cry.

Stop crying.

Is Andrew

up again? We can't get him to go to sleep.

Maybe we should sing to him.

Dad, we wanted to sleep, not try and escape.

We should try singing. We should try anything. I've got to get to sleep.

What are we going to sing?

Something for a baby.

Hey, do you know Let's Get Crazy by Twits?

It was our wedding song.

Come on, I'm not singing anything.

Good night.

We can work this out. We can work it out.

I know we can.

Now, what has stopped him from crying so far?

thing he stopped crying go in there to sing stop crying when i brought him out

here before he stopped crying bring him out here stop crying okay i've got what

do you do wow what do you think

Songstylings of the Keaton family. That was Friday night.

It's getting late, Andy. I think it's time for bed.

But, Dad, I'm the center of attention.

Well, why don't you go on up, and I'll be the center of attention.

Come on, Andy. I'll take you up. Good night, Andy. Good night, Andy.

Well, honey, is it time for my personal history yet? No, not just yet. Okay,

well, you give me lots of warning, okay? Because I've got to set up that whole

slideshow.

Okay,

as Andy grew, would you say the style in which you raised him was any different

from the rest of the children?

Well, actually, it was very much the same.

Oh, but as time went on, we started getting little hints that Alex intended

be more involved in Andy's upbringing than we had hoped.

This started very early on.

Okay, Andy, you ready?

Okay.

This is the guy I've been telling you about.

And this is everything you'd want in a present.

Alex, put this away. You'll frighten him.

There you go again, Dad.

Republican.

And then there were other hints, things that were tough to ignore.

Who's that?

You. Who am I?

My mommy.

And who's that pretty girl?

Jennifer. Who's Jennifer?

My sister.

That's right.

Who's that?

Alex. Who is Alex?

Alex is king.

And after a while, we had to face the fact that we had another Alex on our

hands. Alex, come quick.

Go close out 415.

Thank you for having him.

I love that kid.

I gotta admit, their relationship is cute in its own weird way.

What's wrong with a little brother following in his older brother's

What's wrong with our footsteps?

Oh, hey, Dad. You know, he would have followed in your footsteps. I just

to him first.

Why couldn't he follow my footsteps?

Oh, great. He'd be on a circular track to and from the mall.

Alex has, on occasion, taken this follow in his footsteps business a little too

far. What?

Here's your lunch box.

Now, these are your coloring book and your crayons. Remember, how do we feel

about sharing?

Okay, now you just wear this.

and I don't think we'll have any problem.

Good morning, Andy.

Good morning, Mr. Kluger.

Good morning, Mr. Kluger. I'm Alex Keaton, Andy's brother.

I'm Mr. Kluger, the director.

Oh, listen, Andy, I've got to run to class now, but remember, tonight we're

going to go out, we're going to get ice cream, and I'm going to take you and

show you how the automated teller machines work.

Okay? Remember, who loves you? Alex loves me.

You know it.

So, uh, how's he doing?

Oh, he's a terrific child. He's very sensitive and very thoughtful of the

children. Well, I can't help that. It's my parents' influence.

You know, Andrew talks about you all the time, Alex.

Really? Yeah. He mentions your name so often, you'd think someone was paying

to talk about you.

Michael. What does your patch say?

I know how to say goodbye to my daddy.

Very good reading.

Isn't that wonderful, Alex?

What's so wonderful about that?

I know how to say goodbye to my daddy. You don't see me wearing a patch.

Well, we try to encourage Michael. He's very shy.

This gives him a sense of accomplishment.

Well, I'm all for creating a sense of accomplishment, Mrs. Kluger. I just

question your message.

Oh, well, what do you suggest?

Well, have you thought about dividing the children into different playgroups?

Giving them IQ tests?

Well, Alex, we're trying to foster a non -competitive environment.

Oh, come on, Mrs.

Kluger.

Join us in the real world here.

Do you see people out there who are non -competitive?

People sharing?

People taking naps on mats?

Stephen and Melissa Keaton are your parents?

Oh, Mrs. Kluger, I gotta go. I'm just gonna say goodbye to Andy and I'll be on

my way. Sure. He's over there playing house.

No, no, that's impossible. Andy doesn't play house. Well, of course he does. See

him diapering that doll?

He's diapering a doll?

Andy, what are you doing?

Diapering a doll.

Where's your wife?

Out working.

I brought them back.

Yeah, after the deprogramming didn't work.

So Alex seems to be a little overzealous when it comes to Andy.

Well, yes, I am, Sugar Plum.

Could you explain further this obsessive involvement?

Well, frankly, it has to do with the way I was raised.

Excuse me?

One thing you have to know about Mom and Dad is that they're not your normal

parents. You guys are the sweetest thing.

Well, what I mean is they really got involved in everything we did.

Sometimes a little over -involved.

Can anyone cite an example?

Popcorn? There was this time that Dad felt he wasn't spending enough time with

me, so he decided to become my buddy.

Bridge, everybody down.

Low, bridge, forward, coming to a town. And you'll always know your neighbor.

You'll always know your pal if you've ever navigated.

What do you say, Dad? You want to go now?

We've been here three minutes, Jennifer.

All right, that was very nice singing, girls. And now on to the new business.

I would like to welcome all the moms and the dad.

Mr. Keaton, nice that you could come, sir.

Thank you, Mrs. Carpenter. I feel very much at home.

In fact, I'd like to give you all a warm sunflower.

Well, now it's time for the round table. Oh, what's that?

Once a month, we discuss some topic of interest to the Sunflower Girls.

Oh, great.

I'm all ready. Camping, boating, hiking?

Today, we're going to talk about sex.

I'm your guy.

Did you say sex?

Dad, maybe you should go, really.

Jennifer, I'm a sunflower dad.

I think I can handle a mature discussion about what she said.

Now, we're going to discuss our bodies.

as they blossom into womanhood, and about boys and their bodies as they

into manhood.

I know that some of you have already gone out on dates with boys, and I want

talk about first experiences.

And I want the younger girls to benefit from you older girls. So we're going to

go around the room, starting with you, Shelly.

Well, on my first date, I went out with a guy in my class.

I'm not going to name names, but... Was it Larry Parker?

That's right.

Anyway, I went out with Larry, and all he wanted to do was fool around.

What do you mean by fool around?

I mean, he wanted to touch my body as it blossomed into womanhood.

Boys are only interested in one thing.

What's your name? Alice.

Well, Alice, some boys are very interested in sex.

Were you?

Well, when I was a boy, I was interested in a lot of things.

Was sex one of them?

I don't want to lie to you, Alice.

I admit, there were some girls.

I remember Marjorie McCracken. Boy, she had a body on her.

Dad, I can't believe you're talking about this stuff.

What can I do? She was hounding me.

Dad, you're really embarrassing me. This is not the place for you to be. Why do

you say that? Look around you, Dad. Do you see anyone else here who shaves?

Jennifer, I just want to spend some time with you. I'm sorry, Dad, but this

isn't the right place.

If you don't leave, I will.

Watch the Frog.

Don't go away. There's more family ties coming up in less than 30 seconds. And

tonight at 6, check out San Diego's favorite comedy lineup. That's right.

Friends, Will and Grace, and everybody loves Raymond. Do -da, do -da. Smile.

You're watching San Diego's home for comedy, KSWB. Watch the Frog.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.