Original subtitles

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Okay, now here's what we do. Everyone take his own fortune cookie.

And then we'll break our cookies and we'll read our fortunes aloud. Now,

be very careful how you open that cookie. There's an old Oriental proverb

says, if you tear your fortune, you'll have bad luck. Here, now watch. Watch

this.

That's real good, Dad.

What's it say?

Stop telling people how to open fortune cookies.

Well, I got my usual one.

Fame, fortune, riches are yours for the asking.

Alex.

Here goes mine.

Alex, no more personalized fortunes until you pay up. Signed, Mr. Wong.

What did you say, Annie?

I ate mine.

Oh, come on, Annie. We'll go find you another fortune.

Hi.

Well, hi.

Hello, everybody.

I hope you haven't come for dinner, Skip. We're finished.

Oh, no, no, no. Tonight's meatloaf surprise night at my house.

Old handleman tradition, just a regular meatloaf with many different foreign

coins hidden in it.

Sounds delicious.

Skippy, can I please tell them my news now? Of course. I was just getting

up. Okay.

I, everybody, I did something today that I never thought I'd do before.

You wore plaids with checks?

I have decided to run for school president.

Great idea.

Good, honey. Wow, tell me, Mel.

How do they decide who's going to run for president of Grant? I mean, what do

you need to qualify for that? A D average and a pulse?

They're not really strict about the D average.

Honey, this is wonderful, but I've got to admit I'm a little surprised.

You've never showed any interest in politics before.

I know. I don't know. It just came to me out of nowhere.

I was sitting with a bunch of my friends, and they said, why don't you

And I said, are you kidding?

And then I thought, I don't know, it could be fun. Sounds like a neat job.

So I said, what the heck, you know?

That's pretty much the way Reagan decided to run.

Let me tell you one thing, Mel.

Don't take any political wisdom from Mom and Dad.

What is that supposed to mean?

Let's face it. Politically speaking, you two are the kids of death.

I mean, just look at the candidates you supported.

McGovern, Humphrey, Mr.

Excitement himself, Walter Mondale.

Those names sound so familiar. Do they go to Grant?

Look, Alex, we don't get involved in the campaigns just to win. We do it because

we feel deeply about certain political or moral issues.

It would be nice to win occasionally.

Well, then you should work at Mallory's campaign because she's going to win.

Everybody at school loves her. She's really popular.

Skippy's my campaign manager.

How does this sound for a campaign slogan?

Vote for Mallory.

Oh. We need something more direct, livelier.

How about just vote?

Mallory, congratulations.

I heard you're running for president of Grant.

That's great. Thanks.

Too bad I can't vote for you.

What do you mean?

Skippy, only students at Grant can vote in this election.

Oh, great. Well, there goes my grandma's vote.

Is this mail and material for your campaign? Yes, Alex, don't look at it.

make fun of it. No, no, not at all. No, I'm glad you're getting involved.

I'm interested.

What's your campaign platform?

What's my platform, Skippy?

We're trying to run a campaign here. We don't have time to build a platform.

I'll get it.

Hi, Amy. Hi, Alex.

Amy Sussman, Skippy's girlfriend. Amy, this is a lot of fun. Hi, how are you

doing? Sorry I'm late, guys.

Amy is my campaign treasurer.

Oh, well, looks like we walked in on this big executive campaign meeting.

Yeah. Oh, you know, Mel, maybe I can help you.

I don't want to brag, but I was president in college.

Really, Ted? You were president of your school?

Well, not exactly the entire school. I was president of the South Campus

Aluminum Can Recycling Club.

And a damn fine one, too.

Excuse me, but if Mallory's going to win, she's going to need something more

than a give -a -who -don't -pollute.

Oh,

I like that. Can we use it, Mr. Keaton? Be my guest, Skip.

Well, goodbye.

We're at Upagandy after school.

Would you mind dropping me off at campus?

Oh, no, not at all, Lauren. It'll give me time to tell you a little bit about

the work I did as president of the recycling club.

Stephen, I've heard that story a million times. Sit in the back, Elise.

You know, I had a little slogan, and I had a little magnet.

I think the first thing we need is a good campaign strategy.

Any ideas?

I have a few ideas.

Well, first I have a question. What exactly is a campaign strategy?

A campaign strategy is a... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's your campaign.

You guys run with it. Go ahead, Mel.

A campaign strategy, huh?

What's something that you really believe in?

Like more study hours, hard work, good grades.

No, not those.

So what then?

Well, I guess I feel that the students should have more of a say in what goes

at Grant.

Like, remember last year, out of the blue, all of a sudden they took out the

diet soda machine.

And I said, this is wrong. A lot of people agree.

There you go, Mel. There you go. That's good. That's good. That's something the

students can get behind.

Diet soda?

It's not just diet soda, Mel. It's a vision that you stand for to make life

easier and more pleasurable for weight -conscious students.

I'll tell you, I'd vote for someone who could get that soda machine back.

There you go, Mel.

There you go. I can feel the groundswell starting.

I'll tell you something else. I miss the low -fat chocolate milk with the twisty

straws.

Who doesn't?

Who doesn't? I can feel it, Mel. You're going to win this thing.

I do have another idea about changing the color of the drapes in the student

center. I like it.

It's hip. It's fresh. It's contemporary.

It's what the people want.

I'm telling you, man, there's only one ingredient missing here from winning

campaign. Let's see. We've got diet soda, chocolate milk, and drapes.

What are you missing?

Oh, Alex, I don't know. No, I'm nervous about this. Oh, come on, Mel. You got

nothing to worry about. It's the first day on the campaign trail. Let's go out

there. Let's get them, huh?

Remember our platform?

Confidence, diet soda, and new drapes.

All right, let's go.

Hi there. Hello.

Hi. I'd like you to meet Mallory Keaton, candidate for student government

president.

Hi. Hi.

How's your sandwich?

It's not bad.

Oh.

It looks a little dry. I bet you could use a diet soda to go with that.

I hate diet soda.

What do I do?

Dry the drapes. Dry the drapes.

Don't you think we could use some new drapes in here? I mean, these are so

My mother made those drapes.

Why does it have to be so complicated? Why can't I just put up posters, pass

buttons, and take my chances?

Because you want to win, okay? And you're going to win. Trust me. Trust me.

got every detail worked out.

Look, honey. It's Mallory Keaton. Our choice for student government president.

She looks just like she does on these buttons.

And these posters.

Mallory, is it true that you're planning on getting a new soda machine for the

snack bar?

And low -fat chocolate milk with twisty straws?

Oh, I was thinking about it. Alex, what's going on?

Valerie, it's me, Skippy.

Hey.

Where is a guy supposed to get a diet soda around this place?

In a room with some decent drapes?

raise a fine point, young man.

You know, you know, Grant College is in desperate need of new, fresh leadership.

Hey, you are damn right, you know, and I don't even go to school here.

Allison, what's going on?

Me? Mel, it's me, Nick.

Excuse me, did you say something about a soda machine?

Yes, she did. Yes, she did. Uh, have you seen Mallory's position paper? Allison,

I haven't seen my position paper.

Look at this. If elected, Mallory Keaton promises to put an end to

Look at these people. They're delirious. They'll do anything for you. Just go

with it. Go with it.

Three trips to Hawaii for all students with passing grades in two or more

subjects.

Don't worry about it. The plane will be empty.

Mallory! Mallory!

Mallory! Mallory!

Mallory!

Hey, what do you got there, Andy? A poster for Mallory's campaign. Now it's

to hang it up in the kitchen.

Uh -huh. Well, what is it?

Well,

it's good to see the campaign's brought out Alex's sense of fairness.

Yeah, Mallory wasn't even on the first poster.

Hi, guys.

Hi, honey.

Oh,

great. You finally put my picture on it.

Where have you been, honey? Oh, all over.

Alex has a Keaton campaign trail fully booked.

I was over on campus this morning passing out campaign buttons to people

infirmary. Alex said I should get them in a weakened state.

And then I was over at the snack bar passing out little mustard packets with

Mallory spice up your life printed on them.

Oh, I have some extras. Here you go. Oh, boy. Thanks.

And then we finished it off with a lengthy stint on the Keaton campaign

The Keaton campaign truck.

You enjoying the campaign?

It's tiring, but it's fun. I mean, I've been speaking in public, I've met

everyone on campus, and I've had a chance to really listen to people and

out what they're thinking.

What are they thinking?

Well, some are thinking about their future, and some are concerned about

academics, and some are just sort of staring straight ahead.

Well, that sounds great. Yeah.

It's a good experience for you.

I think it's nice. You know, it's a chance for you and Alex to get to work

together again. I mean, you haven't worked together since...

Oh, well, you did that, um... When did they work together, Stephen?

Alex and Mel?

Oh, well, uh, let's see. There was, um... Let's see. There was, uh...

So this is the first time you've worked together.

Yeah, it's been great. We're getting along really well. We haven't been

at all. Well, I think it's wonderful.

I mean, particularly knowing Alex, you'd think that he'd be, you know... M -A

-double -L -O -R -Y -D. That spells Mallory.

I'm going overboard.

Well, Mallory got that new campaign poster. I think it's going to add a new

dimension to the campaign.

Cheating campaign headquarters.

Just a second. Alex, command post number seven checking in. Yeah, hi. Command

post number seven. You get those posters up at Delaware Hall yet?

Well, come...

Listen, Jennifer.

I don't care if you're tired.

Okay, give me command post number six, will you?

Yeah, Andy.

Yeah, light a fire under your sister, will you?

Command post number six.

Almost time for bed.

Alex, shouldn't I be doing something? I mean, I am the candidate.

Absolutely. Why don't you go over your acceptance speech?

Oh, this is truly a glorious day for freedom -loving people everywhere.

Alex, I only promised them a soda machine, not a revolution. Can we tone

down? Yeah.

This is truly a glorious day

for carbonated beverage -loving people everywhere.

Alex, if I'm elected president, I'm going to have to start making some of my

decisions.

What do you mean, ma 'am?

I'm saying things that would not normally come out of my mouth.

That's because they're coming out of my mouth.

It just doesn't feel like me.

Mel, we've come this far together. Once you're president, you can do whatever

you want. But for now, please, trust me, okay?

I'm out.

Hey, where were you guys? We went to vote.

Well, what took so long? I got stuck in the voting booth.

I couldn't get those little curtains to open up.

I tried to help them out, and I got stuck in there myself.

Hey. Oh, hi, man. Hey.

I got you these for good luck. Oh, thank you. That's sweet.

No big deal. You know, besides, if you get elected president, then I'll be the

first lady of Grand College.

I'm sure they'll use that in all the brochures.

Hey, uh, nothing for the campaign, man? Just this.

Alex, quick, turn on the radio. They're announcing the election results.

Come on, honey.

Nervous now?

Excited, too. Good luck. Thanks.

This is WGRW, the voice of Grant College.

Grant College, conveniently located near all major highways.

Let's just get to the result.

We don't have the final totals just yet in today's student government

presidential election.

What, are you having trouble counting the votes?

We're having a little trouble counting the votes.

It's not that the votes aren't in, it's...

What? Marsha Elkins.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Mel, you were great, really. You tried so hard.

Well, thanks, everybody, for your support.

You know, you really worked hard and it means a lot.

Thanks to everyone who voted for me.

Thanks to my family and my brother and campaign manager, Alex P. Keaton. Yeah.

Taught me to strive hard and do my best and who I'm sure would want me to be

gracious and defeat.

Marcia Elkins.

That idiot.

I demand a recount.

I demand a recount.

Hi. Sorry you didn't win, Mel.

Oh, thanks.

I'm fine, though. It's really no big deal.

Now, that's easy for you to say. Your mother and I thought we were finally

to win an election.

Alex said if you want to win, you have to vote Republican.

Go back to sleep.

Alex, where were you?

Oh, I was over at the math department trying to get the final tally on the

It took a while because they were counting on their fingers.

Anyway, uh...

You lost by 103 votes.

Real proud of you, honey. Takes a lot of courage just to run.

And I know how hard you tried, Mal.

I've never mentioned this before, but the first time I ran for president of

South Campus Aluminum Can Recycling Club, I lost.

It was to Warren McCracken.

The interesting thing about Warren, he had a nose for aluminum.

He could spot an aluminum can at 50... Give it up, Dad.

You know, Mel, this election is not over by a long shot. First thing in the

morning, I'm going back to that campus, and I'm going to demand another recount.

Another recount? Why?

Because, Mel, there were numerous voting irregularities there.

I know. I committed them.

Look, Alex, it's over. I mean, I ran, I tried hard, and I lost, and

that's it.

Why did you do it?

I mean, why did you suddenly get so involved with my life?

I don't know, Mel.

I don't know. I guess I just finally saw something we could do together.

I mean, something we had in common. I just wanted to jump at the chance to do

it.

Anyway, the fact is, pretty soon we may not be seeing each other that much.

I mean, I'm going to graduate, marry Lauren, get a job on Wall

Street, move to New York.

Well, I'm going to graduate, marry Nick, and get a job in the fashion industry

and move to New York.

You're not going to live uptown, are you?

Downtown.

Well, there you go. Yeah, right.

Anyway, I just wanted to make most of the last times we have together.

Well, you know, it's funny, Alex. Anytime we try to do something together,

turns out to be a disaster.

No, no, that's not true.

That's not true. We've had some very good times together.

You remember when we were kids?

Saturday mornings, okay?

Mom and Dad would sleep late, and we'd come down at 6 .30 in the morning in our

pajamas. Right, exactly.

I was 5, and you were about 7.

I'd start breakfast, and you'd go down in the driveway and get the Wall Street

Journal.

Mom and Dad would always leave out that box of granola, because they didn't want

to eat sugared cereals.

Right, we used to go over to Skippy's and get Froot Loops.

Well, I think they noticed we had the same box of granola for 12 years.

Oh, you know when else we had fun?

You remember when Mom and Dad finally decided we could stay home without a

babysitter, and we'd make popcorn and watch TV?

We were supposed to be in bed, asleep by 11, and we were too scared to turn out

the lights?

No, I wasn't scared.

Alex used to cry until Mom and Dad came home.

I missed them.

So we'd go up to my room and talk, and I'd tell you which boys I liked in

school, and you'd tell me which ones had the best earning potential.

And look who you wound up with.

We don't talk like that anymore.

It's too bad.

Well, it's an interesting thing, you know.

I mean, I can argue politics with Dad.

Or discuss family stuff with Mom.

Or discuss economics with Jennifer.

But you understand my emotional side better than anybody.

Really? I didn't think you even had one.

Oh, Mom.

Remember the night after Ellen left for Paris?

You stayed up all night, not talking to me, listening to me.

And you understood.

Well, I'll never forget those nights you stayed up trying to teach me long

division.

You got a concussion from banging your head against the wall.

still don't understand it you know i'm gonna

look back on life in this house and i remember those mornings and i'm gonna

remember the night's babysitting me too

sorry about the election huh

we'll get him next year oh not a chance

I have an idea. It's a warm morning. We wake up just like we used to.

We come down in our pajamas and we make breakfast.

Granola is still here.

So go away, there's more Family Ties coming up in less than 30 seconds. And

tonight at 6, check out San Diego's favorite comedy lineup. That's right.

Friends, Will and Grace, and everybody loves Raymond. Do -da, do -da. Smile.

You're watching San Diego's home for comedy, KSWB. Watch the frog.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.