Original subtitles

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha la la la.

I got it!

Open it up before Long gets in here.

Hey, hey, what's going on?

Jennifer opened cereal.

I couldn't stop her.

No, look, there's a perfectly good box of cereal in there. Why do you have to

open a new one? To find the clue.

What clue?

The clue to the Find the Colonel Crackle contest.

I don't care about that. This is food. You just don't waste it.

What contest?

Mom, Colonel Crackle is lost somewhere in Ohio, and in every box there's a

different clue to his whereabouts. If you find him, you call the Crackle

and win $5 ,000.

Let me see that.

Hey, hey, Mom, Mom, Mom!

Don't you think you're a little old to be fighting over a prize in a cereal

Colonel Crackle's cereal is having a contest.

It's kind of fun.

Mom, remember who you're talking to. I'm 21 years old. I'm a senior in college.

I couldn't care less about some cereal contest.

You can win $5 ,000.

Now, how about this for a solution?

We can all help find Colonel Crackle, and then when we do find him, we will

share the prize.

All right.

All right, okay, we'll split it four ways, but that's it, all right? We don't

tell anybody else about this.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh, nothing, Mal. Nothing at all. Nothing at all.

Hey, what's new in the world of knitwear?

Hey. Hey, Dad, have you heard that Colonel Crackle is missing?

And I never really got a chance to say goodbye.

Hey, Dad, have you no respect for Colonel Crackle War?

A kernel that meets 100 % of the minimum daily requirements of vitamins A

through E. A kernel that remains crunchy even in milk.

Exciting as that may be, I have some news from the non -cereal world that may

interest you. There's a job opening up at the station.

Oh, Dad, I'm so happy.

You're leaving public television.

Oh, Dad. Why? Why is this?

Alex, it's not my job that's open.

Why do you tease me like that?

It's an intern position.

An opportunity for the right young person to work at the station and really

learn the ropes.

That sounds great, Stephen. Do you have anyone in mind for the job?

Well, as a matter of fact, I do.

Mallory.

What?

What did I do?

Well, I think it's a great idea. Alex worked at the station. He loved it,

you?

Absolutely.

The finest experience I've ever had. I highly recommend it. See?

All right.

We know Crackle is out there.

We know he's somewhere in the downtown Cleveland area.

The question is where. Damn!

Dad's not in here, is he?

No, he's upstairs. I can go and get him for you. No.

No, no.

If I see him, he's going to try and bring up that PBS thing again.

He won't take no for an answer. He's been going at it for hours.

I need to have a chance to eat. I'm starving.

Elise, this is a chance Mallory shouldn't miss. Every time an

this comes up, she quits.

Oh, come on. You guys are really making a mess with this crackle business.

Come on, guys. Let's go upstairs and check out the crackle map.

Okay, it's in my room.

All right, let's go, Skippy.

We'll find out how he's doing with Krakow's dental records and his hair

analysis.

Elise, I really think Mallory could benefit by working down at the station

me. I don't know, Stephen. I was surprised he even offered her the job. I

think it's the last place she'd want to work. Elise, I'm not blind. I realize

there could be some problems with having Mallory work at the station, but I

think it's worth the risk.

Where's the mayonnaise?

Now, I realize this job doesn't fall into what we normally call her area, but

how do we really know what her area is?

She's at an age where she could go in a lot of different directions. I just

think this could be an opportunity to grow.

Where is the mayonnaise?

Well, I think we have to look at it from her point of view. You know, we've had

this discussion before.

Fashion is what she loves. She may be unsure now, but I think she'll learn a

from this experience.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think I have a very good sense of where Mallory is at.

What I don't know is where the mayonnaise is.

I'll get another one.

Mom, look.

We both have mayonnaise.

Dad, where's your jar?

Mallory, where did you come from?

I came from outside.

Somebody must have left this in the driveway.

Well, there it is. Enjoy it. I'll be in my room.

Wait a minute. We never finished our conversation.

Really? I thought we had.

I'll leave you two alone.

So, um, Mel, have you given any more thought to working at the station?

I have, Dad.

And?

I just don't know, Dad.

I don't want to pressure you at all. Whatever you decide will be fine with

I just don't know, Dad.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you come down to the station for a day? Just give it a try.

I don't know, Dad.

It's a wonderful opportunity, Mel.

This thing can open up a whole new world for you.

I don't know, Dad.

And I'd be so proud to have you there with me. I just think you'd be terrific

this. I don't know, Dad.

Great!

Oh, Mal, this is going to be fabulous.

I don't know, Dad.

Well, madam, according to our records, you pledged $150 during the last pledge

drive, and we haven't received it yet.

Well, could you tell us when it might be coming?

Well, then you're not going to get your tote bag.

Don't worry about it, Mallory. I mean, over the years, we've found that 20 % of

our so -called patrons, just plain liars.

And we're running out of tote bags anyhow.

Now, there's a beautiful sight.

My oldest daughter with her shoes on my lunch.

Sorry, Dad.

Oh, no.

I don't mind a bit. It's great to walk into my office and see your smiling

Oh, well, what about my smiling face, Steve?

Don't you start competing with Mallory now, Gus.

You're beautiful in your own way.

Keep up the good work now, Mallory.

Good work? I like the sound of that. You know, he doesn't say that to everybody.

Good work, Steve.

So, how's it going? Are you enjoying yourself? Is it everything you hoped it

would be?

Well, I got to talk on the phone a little.

I like that.

You know, Mel, my two greatest loves are my family and my work here at the

station. Having you here brings those two worlds together.

I couldn't be happier.

I'm glad.

Here, come here. I got a surprise for you. Something will make you happy and

very excited.

I don't have to work here anymore?

Look,

look, I know you're not completely sold on this yet, but I also know that when

you're faced with a challenge, you accept it. You can do it. You rise to

occasion.

Not always.

Most of the time.

Not now.

I've come up with a special assignment for you. I think you're really going to

like it.

Is it about fashion?

Because I can do a great job if it's about fashion. Oh, no, no. You already

everything about fashion. I think it's time for you to branch out and really

something different.

Beauty tips?

No. You're going to work with me.

All right.

Yeah, I want you to write some copy for a short segment of Ohio in Review. It's

a show about what's going on in Ohio from political news to human interest

stories.

I'm flattered, Dad, but I've never even seen the show.

What are you talking about? We watch it all the time. It's on Sundays at 4 after

Animals, Animals, Everywhere, Animals.

Oh, Ohio in Review.

I love that show.

We're going to work on it together.

You behind the scenes, me on camera.

Keaton's, Keaton's, everywhere Keaton's.

All right, now.

These dots trace the colonel's past since he was discovered missing.

Can we end this thing, Alex? I have a life to lead.

Now, we know he's definitely in the Columbus area.

Mom, Mom, are you able to help us out on this?

Look, I have more important things to do, if you don't mind. I like to work in

peace. It's all right. It's all right. All right, Jen, give me that next clue.

On a corner with a tree that cries, the sweetest birthday wins the prize.

Sincerely, the Colonel.

A tree that cries.

Hmm.

When would a tree cry?

If he saw E .T.

A tree that cries.

A tree that cries.

Weeping willow.

Jen, quick.

Look up weeping willow on the map.

I found it, Alex. There's a willow street.

You're a genius, Mom.

All right, all right. I gave you a clue. Do me a favor. Take this in the other

room. Oh, come on, Mom. Don't bail out on us now. Forget about this

stuff, okay?

You get a chance to win five grand here.

Alex. Mom, okay. Now, the next part of the clue is sweetest birthday wins the

prize. Sweetest birthday wins the prize. Alex, please. Come on. Sweetest

birthday, Mom.

Come on. Come on, Mom. Mommy. Come on.

Sweetest birthday, Mom. Come on. Sweet 16.

Jen, quick.

Willow went 16th.

That's it. We found it. We called the critical hotline.

What's the number? What's the number? I don't know. It's on the cereal bar.

Where's the cereal bar?

It's in the kitchen. Where's the kitchen?

Over there.

Where are you going?

Nowhere. I was stretching.

You've still got a lot of work to do.

Oh, good, good. I was afraid we were just going to do those nine hours.

Come on. We've just scratched the surface. Now, here, take this folder.

Now, let's look over the areas we want to cover.

Now, I know I definitely want to touch on Congressman Willick's trip to the

Persian Gulf. What approach do you think we should take?

A fashion approach.

Yeah, yeah, fashion does have its place, but there's something more important

than color coordination. After all, there's a war going on.

Dad, do you ever stop to think that maybe if the world were color

there'd be no more wars?

After all, when colors clash, men are soon to follow.

Well, okay, you write a little fashion perspective, and I'll see if I can fit

in the report.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

How can that be a crackle hotline if the line is always busy? I mean, what would

happen if someone had an actual crackle crisis?

I'm so glad you're here. I'm going completely nuts working with Dad at the

station. It is a disaster.

I told you so.

It's such an ugly phrase.

All right, give me the details.

Alex, I'm so bored down there, I feel like I've entered one of Dad's

documentaries.

Like, like at any moment, I'm going to be shot with a tranquilizer gun, tagged,

weighed, and shipped to a wildlife preserve.

All right, look, Mal, why don't you just quit?

Oh, I can't do that.

It means the world to Dad that I'm working there. He's so proud of me. He

calling staff meetings to introduce me.

I've met Gus 80 times.

All right, well, then look at it this way, okay? I had to go through it. Now

have to go through it. I mean, it's a fact of life growing up in the Keaton

household. I mean, right now, Jen is working on her segment of Ohioan Review.

So just hang with it, and sooner or later, your basic incompetence will

through.

I sure hope so.

Gus, have you seen Mallory? Uh, yeah, she's in the control room. She should be

down here in a minute.

I tell you, Elise, I'm getting a little worried.

About Mallory? No, about me.

If you and Steven keep shipping your offspring down here to the station, I

the feeling I'm going to find myself out of a jar.

Well, you know, Elise, one day this little girl is going to work at this

station, too.

Uh -huh, uh -huh, I'm packing my bags.

Hello? Hello, operator, yeah, I'm...

I'm trying to get through to the Crackle hotline.

But the line is always busy.

Oh, I... Oh, he's trying to call, too.

Oh, really?

Well, where do you think he is?

The telephone operator thinks that Colonel Crackle is under a bus in

We're gonna be...

You better hurry, Mallory. We're going to go in about two minutes. Yeah, I'm

ready. I just got to set the stuff up. Hey, how's my partner?

Fine, fine. I did everything you said.

I've got all the copyright here, and I put all the cassettes in the control

room. Great, great. Way to go, Mal.

All right, Stephen, I need you on stage now.

All right. No, no, Crackle. C -R -A -C -K -L -E.

Crackle.

No, Crackle.

L -E -K -S proudly presents Ohio Game Review.

Colonel Crackle. C -R -A -C -K -L -E.

and welcome.

I'm the general manager of WKS, Stephen Crackle.

That's, um, Stephen Crackle Keaton.

Welcome to Ohio in Review. At the top of Ohio happenings tonight, Congressman

Jim Willick returned from his recent fact -finding mission to the war -torn

region of the Persian Gulf.

The four -term congressman was dressed in a lovely chiffon gown with Diamante

shoulder straps by Galvanos.

He was?

I'm sorry, Dad. I must have gotten mixed up with that fashion report I was

working on. Here, okay, go ahead.

Hi, Mom.

I'm over here. Oh, hi.

Willick reported that the Iranian leadership repeated their demands for a

ceasefire with Iraq.

These included free passage through the Straits of Hormuz, an embargo on Iraqi

oil products, and a pair of slingback open -toed shoes for tomorrow night's

dance.

I'm sorry, Jim.

No, it's okay. Let's roll the videotape. In national news, the president at a

press conference today...

stated that he and other government officials were hard at work trying to

down on defense spending.

He also said... Not now, not now, honey.

The president emphasized that the huge federal deficit, while troublesome, was

something we can't run away from.

The key, he said, was to try to ride it out.

Dad, I made a mistake. I think they're showing the wrong videotape.

This just in. Monkeys, monkeys, everywhere monkeys.

Go to a commercial. We don't have a commercial.

I'm going

to

go up to put Andy to bed. I'll check on Mallory, too. Good idea. I'm just going

to use the phone.

Alex, don't you think you're being a little insensitive?

Jennifer, we're talking about $5 ,000 here.

Make the call.

Ah, at last. It's ringing. It's ringing.

Hello. Hello. I would like your complete and undivided attention.

My name is Alex P. Keaton.

Colonel Crackle is in downtown Columbus on the corner of Willow and...

What?

I beg your pardon?

That's impossible.

Really.

I see.

I see.

Alex, what's the matter?

Colonel Crackle was found under a bus in Dayton.

By a telephone operator.

My God, is he all right?

Mallory's door is locked.

She won't come down.

Hey, you seem to be taking it awfully hard, Alex.

It's okay. Hey, it's okay. The job just wasn't right for her.

The telephone operator.

Yeah, maybe she could do that.

Mom, what should we tell Mallory about the show? I mean, should we tell her we

liked it?

We should just tell her the truth. Oh, Mom, come on. It was embarrassing. It

humiliating. It was the dumbest thing I've ever seen. That is true.

Hey,

loved it, Mel.

That was the finest piece of telejournalism I have ever seen.

You're all very nice, but I know what it was. A complete disaster.

Well, I'm afraid you're right on the money there.

I'm so sorry, Dad.

I mean, I swear I tried my best, but I was just in way over my head, and I

apologize.

I thought you were doing great.

If it was too much for you, why didn't you come to me?

Why didn't you say so?

Oh, I go to work every day, and you were so happy I was there and so proud of

every little thing I did.

And there I was going through the motions and not really knowing what I

doing.

Except that I was doing it for you.

And I didn't want to let you down.

I think I'm the one who let you down. I pushed you into areas you didn't want to

go. Areas you shouldn't go.

I'm sorry.

I really ruined your show.

I hope your ratings don't drop.

Fortunately, Mel, that's completely impossible.

I love you so much, honey. I just want the whole world to open up for you to

you go and do things that I didn't have a chance to do.

I don't know. Maybe every father feels that way. But I am doing things I want,

Dad. And I'm doing things I never thought I'd do.

I'm going to college. You and Mom gave me that.

Good.

And even though I'll never, never, ever work at your station again.

I've learned from you the value of work, but it has to be my kind of work.

Okay. Okay.

It was really nice having you down there.

I loved seeing you so much.

It was nice for me, too.

Well, oh, I don't know. Maybe, you know, under better circumstances, you know,

maybe if...

You, Jennifer, were down there helping you. Alex.

Alex, too. Andy. You know, maybe if you all worked there at the same time.

I don't know, Dad.

Watch the frog.

San Diego's home for comedy has more laughs than ever. Touche.

We can prove it. It should be good. Starting at six, it's brands.

Yeah. Then say hello to Will and Grace.

Hello. Then more friends at 7. And everybody loves Raymond at 7 .30. This

showbiz. The laughs are on us. We are KSWB, San Diego's WB.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.