Original subtitles

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there

ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

And then Mr. Reagan said... Oh, look,

Mommy.

It's Secretary... It's Secretary of State George Shultz.

Boy, Andrew, this I Love Republicans pop -up book was the best purchase I ever

made.

Make Nancy wave again.

Hi.

Thanks for carrying my books home, Simon.

I'd carry these books to the ends of the earth for you, my dear.

The counter will be fine.

Jennifer, I've been... Who's the guy?

That's my brother.

Hi.

Simon, it was really nice of you to carry my books home and all, but I

think you should be going now.

Jennifer, I've been in love with you ever since I spotted you across a

auditorium during that school bus safety assembly.

Yes, that was a powerful moment.

Tell me you love me.

Yeah, I can't take this.

We can't keep going on like this. I mean, you're just not my type.

It's because I'm a nerd, isn't it?

Yes.

Maybe this will change your mind.

Diamonds.

Go for it.

Simon, you shouldn't have done that.

No, no, it's okay. My mother went with them.

Simon, forget it.

Will you go with me to the sophomore dance?

Simon, I said no, all right?

I'm not leaving until you give me at least a maybe. Okay, maybe.

Really? No!

Please,

don't make me beg.

All right, maybe.

Boy, Simon, this is about as much fun as a bloodletting.

I'm one step closer to paradise.

Until later, my love.

Geez, Jen, you know, you really shouldn't lead the guy on like that.

Come on, give him a break. Yeah, go to the dance with him.

Alex, he's a nerd.

It's true, but he's a nerd bearing gifts.

Who's that guy I saw skipping across the front lawn? Oh, that was Simon. A young

gentleman suitor that I think Jennifer should consider going out with.

Alex, he's a nerd.

He gave her diamond earrings.

He did have a certain charm.

I can't believe the social pressures in high school. I mean, it's not enough

just to be smart anymore.

Now you have to worry about what you wear, who you hang out with, who you

That's what I loved about high school.

Your outward appearance is everything.

Boy, the streets are getting dangerous. We almost got plowed down by this kid

skipping down the middle of the street.

Oh, that's Simon.

Yeah, it's Jennifer's new boyfriend.

He is not my boyfriend. I don't even like him. He likes Jen.

He offered her diamond earrings.

Boy, things have sure changed since I was in high school.

Actually, there is this boy I kind of like in high school. His name is Roger.

He's a sophomore and a total unmitigated hunk.

Really? Have you talked with him?

Actually, he talked to me.

He's going to be at the sophomore dance on Friday night.

Are you going to go?

I can't. I'm not a sophomore.

I'll probably have to go to the dumb freshman dance.

What's wrong with that? You are a freshman, aren't you?

Dad, you can't go to your own class dance.

That's so embarrassing.

Oh, of course, I forgot.

Why not?

Because it's just not done, that's all. I mean, girls have to aspire to

something bigger than their own class dance.

The freshman girls go to the sophomore dance, the sophomores go to the junior

dance, the juniors go to the senior dance, and the seniors, well, they hang

at the Jack in the Box.

Hi,

Jeff. What's the matter? You look kind of down.

Mallory, the sophomore dance is only two days away, and no one's asked me to go

yet. I've got to go.

I just have to.

Roger's going to be there.

He smiled near me today. How close?

Eight lockers away?

That's meaningful.

I've got to go, Mel.

Well, look, you could crash it.

I'd be too scared to.

You could go with Simon.

Yeah, but then I'd have to ditch him right when I got there. I just couldn't

that. Yeah, I guess not.

What? What? Couldn't do what?

This is not your area, Alex. Hey, how do you know?

Because it involves feelings, thought, and emotions of a non -monetary nature.

Yeah, you're right.

Jen, I know how important this is to you, right?

So I'm going to go upstairs, put my mind to it, and I won't come back until I

have an answer.

We're never going to see her again.

What's the problem?

That's how we team problems, right?

You need braces.

Not exactly.

You want a phone in your room?

No.

Need your ears pierced?

No.

Well, you haven't got any teen problems.

Alex, there's this guy at school, Roger.

Whenever I see him in the hallway, I get this kind of light feeling in my

stomach. Do you ever get that way?

It's kind of an excitement bordering on nausea.

Yeah, yeah, whenever I hear the word tax -free.

What happens to me?

I get nervous.

I freeze up. I can't even speak.

I know the feeling. I'm telling you. If Roger were tax -free, we'd both be

deeply in love.

But Roger doesn't even know I'm alive.

Meanwhile, Simon won't stop bugging me to go to the dance with him.

Oh, I like that. Simon, I'm telling you, he compensates for a complete lack

of...

Coordination poisons social grace with expensive gifts.

That'll love the guy.

Alex, do you think it's okay to manipulate?

Absolutely.

I didn't finish my question yet.

Jenny, it doesn't matter. As a general rule, manipulation is a great way to go.

But what if it might hurt a person?

If you do it right, nobody gets hurt.

All right, I'll give you an example, okay?

It's Santa Claus.

Right? Nice guy, right?

Cute.

Now, there he is every Christmas, whipping toys down chimneys.

Every kid's dream.

Now, he thinks he's doing it to make all the little boys and girls happy. What

he doesn't realize is that he's just a sales rep for

Mattel.

I don't get it.

Jen, Santa.

is being completely manipulated by the toy companies.

But he's, you know, flying around with his reindeer, he's chugging eggnog.

Having a yuletide time of his life.

There's only one small flaw in your theory, Alex.

Yeah, what's that, Jen?

Santa Claus doesn't exist.

You know, I hate... When people say that.

I'm sorry, Alex. I thought you knew.

That's all right. That's all right. I try to give a little pep talk in favor

manipulation.

And I get my feelings crushed.

It'll work, Jen. Okay, just trust me.

dance with you.

Hello, Simon?

Are you okay?

Hey, honey, what do you have? Oh, nothing much. It's a dress. I bought it

friend Jane.

Jennifer, let me see this.

Jennifer, this is not just a dress. This is a Giacomeni original in an

iridescent emerald green cloquet from the Reef Gorge Resort Collection circa

1984.

Is it humanly possible for you to have all that in your head and nothing else?

Jennifer, what is this for?

Nothing much. This, that. I'll wear it around the house.

Maybe to the sophomore dance.

Oh, you're going. That's great. Who's the lucky boy?

Oh, um, no one you know.

Simon? I thought you didn't like Simon.

I kind of don't.

Then why are you going with him?

Because Alex told me to.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't blame me.

I'd rather you go with Zorba.

All right. I'm going with Simon because I want to go to the sophomore dance, and

that's the only way I can get in.

Besides, once I'm there, anything can happen.

I might bump into Roger.

Oh, Jen, I'm really surprised at you.

Oh, no?

wanted to say that... Who's the guy?

My father.

How do you do, Mr. Keaton? It is such a thrill.

What, um... Oh, don't worry about that, sir. It's not what it looks like.

I mean, it is a cake.

It's all I had left of the bakery.

That's a relief.

I always believed that I would meet a girl like you one day.

A girl who saw past what everyone else saw and really liked me.

Really liked the me in me.

Congratulations on being that girl, Jennifer.

It's fine, Mama. Shh, not another word, my sweet.

I just want you to know that if I die at this very moment, I will die happy.

Boom!

All right, Andrew, you're really coming along with your reading. Very proud of

you.

Thanks, Donald Hill.

Well, let's not get mushy.

Okay. What is this word right here?

Impeach.

Isn't that sweet?

It really is.

You know, sometimes I think we're too harsh on Alex. He's not just a callous,

arch -conservative Republican.

You know, sometimes he can be a warm, loving son and brother.

Okay, now read this one with me, okay?

I am...

Not a crook.

Hey, hey, hey.

Whatever happened to books like The Little Engine That Could or The Cat in

Hat or The Grinch That Stole Christmas? Dad, this is real reading.

It's not those other books.

It's your kids.

Give them nightmares.

I mean, what's scarier? The Grinch or a little pop -up Richard Nixon?

It's hard to say they look so much alike.

Hi, Simon.

Hi. Oh, my, my.

Aren't you dapper?

Yeah, it's a rental.

Ajax rent -a -tax.

Yeah, how'd you know?

You've got the bill pinned to your back.

You also rented shoes, socks, and glasses.

Oh, nothing's too good for your little girl, Mrs. Keaton. Oh, hey, follow me.

Yeah.

What? I want everyone to see my latest gift to my beloved Jennifer.

Look up there. What? What is it?

Oh, it's a love message.

In sky writing.

Happy birthday Juanita.

I got a deal.

It's lovely.

Muy bueno.

Muy bueno.

You know, Simon, I like your style.

You're really starting to grow on me.

And I'm really worried about it.

Oh.

Jennifer's wearing a Giacometti original and an iridescent emerald green cloquet

from the Rive Gauche Resort Collection circa 1984, borrowed from Jane.

Well,

Simon, what do you think?

There, that's better.

Do you want to dance?

No. Why would I want to dance?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, it is called the sophomore dance.

Not the sophomore stand around.

Oh, hi, Jen.

Hi, Nancy.

Jen, this is Brad Hallahan, my date.

Hi, Brad. Nice to meet you. This is Simon.

What's your last name?

Wickerson. Simon Wickerson.

Simon Wickerson?

Don't I know you?

Didn't I beat you up last week?

I don't think so.

Oh, but I could pencil you in for next Wednesday if you like.

You know, are you sure?

I'd never forget a face like that.

Sorry to disappoint you.

All right. Hey, if you're sure.

Yeah, well, see you later, Jen, Simon.

Bye. Then we're on for next Wednesday, right?

Let's dance.

But you just said... Yeah.

Hi. Hi.

Do I know you?

I've seen you around.

Hey, who's your date?

He must have stepped out for a minute.

I'll introduce you when he comes back. Debra.

This is your date?

Hey, didn't I beat you up last week?

Yeah, you did as a matter of fact.

Yeah, yeah, I really enjoyed it.

Are you free on Wednesday?

No, I'm all booked up on Wednesday.

But perhaps I can fit you in after the holidays.

He's not really my date. I mean, I'm... Available if you'd like to dance or

something. What makes you think I'd want to dance with you?

Come on, Roger. What are you doing hanging around these dorks?

Dorks? Hey, wait a minute. There's only one dork here. That's me.

This is Jennifer Keaton. She is once, twice, three times the lady.

Wait a minute. Didn't I beat you up last week?

You did, as a matter of fact.

You know, you two could get the group rate if you wanted.

Roger, let's dance.

I don't get it, Jennifer. Why did you say that? Why did you say I wasn't your

date?

Simon, I only came here with you so I could get into the sophomore dance.

You mean you just used me for my sophomore -ness?

I thought you were different than all the others, Jennifer. I thought you were

smarter. Well, you're not.

Boy, will you be sorry when I grow into my looks.

Okay, big fella. It's time to go to sleep.

I don't want to go to sleep.

Everybody in the White House is going to sleep.

Oh, no, they're not.

It's way past your bedtime, Andy. It's awfully late.

I know. I stayed awake long as President Reagan.

Well, that's no great feat.

Get upstairs and read you something normal.

I've got just the thing.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're not reading to him from the Bloomingdale's

catalog again.

If anybody wants me, I'll be upstairs trying to piece together the shattered

fragments of my tragic high school existence.

What happened?

It was a complete disaster, Dad.

Simon found out that I only went with him to the sophomore dance to meet up

Roger.

And to top that off...

Roger was horrible to me.

He was mean. He was rude.

He treated me like... Like you treated Simon.

I hate to say this when you're already hurting, honey, but what you did wasn't

right. I think you know that.

I don't know what happened.

Somehow, Simon's feelings didn't seem important.

It was almost like I didn't think he had feelings.

He really cares about you, honey.

I know.

I don't know how I didn't see that.

It was hard to miss.

The skywriting was a sure tip -off.

I feel so terrible.

I mean, even after I was mean to Simon, he stood up for me.

I don't think I can ever look him in the eye again.

Did you at least have a chance to apologize to him?

I tried, but he ran off so fast I couldn't catch him.

Oh, well, honey, now is your chance.

You want to talk later.

We'll be upstairs.

Hi,

Jen. Hi, Simon. Come on in.

I don't have long.

The tux has to be back by midnight.

It's only rented for three hours.

I looked all over for you.

Where'd you go?

I went across to the freshman dance.

There's no one there.

Do I dance with Miss Polnicki, the school nutritionist?

Look, Simon, I'm really sorry what happened tonight.

I shouldn't have done what I did.

It was mean.

But believe me, I got a big dose of mean right back.

Could you ever forgive me?

Yes.

Really?

Yes. I forgive you.

I see you for what you are.

Not what you were at the dance, but what you are right now.

You know why?

Because I am highly evolved.

So then we can start over, right? I mean, just as friends.

It would be a lot cheaper.

See, I had a great time tonight. I got to be seen at the dance with you. It did

a world of good for my prestige.

And it was a real honor for me.

Believe me, Simon.

The honor was all mine.

Hey, how'd you like an ankle bracelet?

It's my mom's, but I think I can get off her leg.

She's a heavy sleeper.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.