Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without her?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Shalalala.

Uh -uh, Andy, that is the last piece of cake. I get half of that.

an apple, it's better for you.

Thanks for caring, Andrew, but I think I'll cut it in half.

Oh, that's not half.

It is.

You think that because I'm small, I can't see straight.

Maybe we can... No! Cut it in half easily. I'm telling Mom!

Wait, wait, wait. This is embarrassing.

You guys fighting over a piece of cake? What difference does it make if one

piece is slightly bigger than the other? Mine.

As long as I get it.

Mom, Dad, I got it. I got it.

I've been chosen to take over the personal advice column for the Columbus

Shopper's Guide.

I'm going to be Dear Mallory. Oh, that's great.

They picked me over a hundred other applicants.

They said my sample answers were warm, compelling, yet practical.

Great, Mallory. Well, maybe you can help us over here. We're trying to decide on

how to share this cake.

Hey, I get a piece of that cake. No, no, no.

Andy, you always... Wait, wait, wait.

You've come to me with a problem.

You've come to be a Mallory and I won't let you down. Sit, sit.

Okay, okay, how's this?

Jen, you cut the cake.

Andy, you get to pick which piece you want. That way Jen will cut it fair.

That's absolutely brilliant.

Warm, compelling, yet practical.

You know, Stephen, maybe we could use that approach ourselves.

I could cut and you could pick.

Dear, we've done so well for the last 20 years with me cutting and picking.

Although it's a great idea, man.

I am a naturalist. I better get started. Look at all these letters I have

already. Oh, he can't actually look, Dad. They're confidential.

Oh, let me look.

Well, I guess you're family and all, so... Dear Mallory,

I need your advice.

My partner doesn't satisfy me sexually, and I was wondering... My advice is that

you don't read that.

Very wise, dear Mallory.

Alex, Alex, guess what?

I'm dear Mallory.

Yeah, and I'm adorable Alex.

Ha, ha. No, you don't understand.

I'm taking over the personal advice column for the Columbus Shopper's Guide.

column is called Dear Mallory. No, wait, wait, wait. Columbus Shopper's Guide.

Isn't that that freebie giveaway thing they have at the checkout counter at the

supermarket? The one with all the coupons in it?

That's right.

What are you so excited about, Mal? You're going to be giving advice to low

-life bargain hunters who can't afford to buy real paper.

Mal, they're not low -life bargain hunters. They're real people coming to

advice. Mal, if these people were willing to shell out a quarter, they

turn to Dear Abby.

I can help him.

And if either one of you need help, come to me.

I'm going to be very busy.

But I'll always have time for you.

Your family.

Cut the cake.

Got a problem now?

I don't have problems. I solve problems.

Hi, dear Mallory.

Is there anything bothering you, Alan?

Mm -hmm.

Dear Mallory.

Come on, Alan. Talk to me. Open up.

I sense that beneath that preppy little exterior, there's a mass of insecurities

and frustration waiting to pour out.

Yeah, Mel, that's why I have this exterior.

To protect the rug.

Come on, Alex, I need practice, and everyone else in the house is so sane.

Be your best friend.

Oh, that always works for me.

That's because you don't have any friends, right?

Mel, why don't you read me one of your letters?

Okay.

Dear Mallory,

I love the way that sounds.

I'm an extremely pretty 19 -year -old girl with a knockout body.

Come on.

I have a real interest in money, and I'm searching for a smart, cute 21 -year

-old boy who likes money, too.

We've got to help these people, Mel.

But in order to help them, we need an address.

Hasn't anybody started dinner?

Oh, yeah, Ma, I started it.

Then I decided against it.

Alex, it is your turn to start dinner tonight.

Ma, how can you think of eating when there's a young woman in peril at 3214

Douglas Drive?

Department 3C.

Mom,

maybe you can help me out.

I need practice solving people's problems before I publish my first

And? Well, is there anything you'd like to talk about?

Anything bothering you?

Well, I'm hungry.

Besides that, anything else?

I'm thirsty, too.

Dad, help me out. Any major problems in your life you'd like to discuss?

Um, no, I got in the door just fine.

Come on, Dan, think hard. Anything at work?

Nope. Physical problem?

Nope.

Marital problem?

Well, sometimes your mother has... Stephen!

Mallory, I've been going through some of these letters, and most of them seem

pretty ordinary, but I think I found one you can use in your column. Oh, great,

great. Yeah, it's really very touching.

Dear Mallory.

I'm 18 and a half years old, and for the first time in my life, I have a

boyfriend. But last night, a friend told me that he's seeing another girl, too.

I can't stop crying.

What do I do?

Signed, First Love.

Dad,

I sent the letter.

I'm, uh...

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Great choice, Jen. I'm going to use this for my first column.

Her first love.

Dad, be strong.

Look, why don't we go in the kitchen and get dinner started and leave the

problem solving to them?

I'm too upset to eat.

Well, I'm not. Move it.

What are you going to tell them, Mel? I mean, I feel kind of responsible.

I found the letter and all.

I don't know. I don't know. Sit down.

Something like this.

Your first love.

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Looks like you may have caught yourself

shark.

Ooh.

So stop crying.

First thing you've got to do is find out if it's true. If he is seeing the other

woman, you've got no choice. Cut him loose.

That's good, Mally. Yeah?

That's good. I would add, and let him sink into the slime.

But that's just me.

That's a nice touch, Alex.

What do you think of my response?

I liked it, but don't you think it's a little rough?

See, Jen, rough but fair.

You've got to give it to these people straight or nobody feels like they're

getting helped.

I mean, how would you feel? I don't know. I haven't had my first love yet.

But when you do, you'll come to me for advice, right?

For sure.

The new issue of the Shopper's Guide now.

Right here, Mal. It's right here, right between the weekend grease monkey and

Cora's cut rate corner.

Hey, you know that weekend grease monkey's a hell of a column.

No need to tell us, Nick. It's our favorite, too.

There's our picture.

Yeah, right between Cora and the monkey.

Let me read it here.

Dear First Love, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and it looks like that

may have caught a shark.

Well, what's this here?

That's your address and that's your phone number, Miss Keaton.

You should really know that in case you get lost or something.

Mom, I put it in there. If any of my readers had questions, if anything

unclear, they could call or write me directly here.

Well, that's something dear Abby's never done.

I'm simply not into a cold, aloof approach to advice giving.

I'm warm and accessible.

People need me, and I'm here for them.

Yeah, yeah. I can vouch for that. She's warm and accessible.

What? Please.

Please, Nick. It's bad enough our phone number's in the paper.

Look, what is to stop people from coming up to our house and knocking on the

door?

Very little, it seems.

Yeah. Are you Dear Mallory?

Well, I know what your problem is, pal. It's like gender confusion.

Well, that is on the list.

That's Dear Mallory right there.

I'm Buffaloed Bill.

Buffalo Bill.

Buffaloed Bill.

Oh, okay. My wife, she orders me around all the time.

Well, these are my parents, Stephen and Elise Keaton. Mr. Keaton? Mrs. Keaton?

Buffaloed.

Hello?

Dear Mallory, it's for you.

Hello?

Yes? Dear Mallory? Can we go in?

Oh, Mallory, my pleasure. You've got to help me.

Boy, how people that say economics majors are dull is beyond me. Tonight,

watched reruns of the McNeil -Lara report.

Then, we started quoting from Adam Smith.

At random.

And we finished up the night by dancing on the table and shouting out

commodities prices.

I'm surprised the cops didn't bust in on you.

How many times do I have to throw this thing out?

Hello?

Yes, this is she.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, talk to her.

Yeah.

Well, she's your mother, and she deserves that respect.

Uh -huh.

Remember, we're always here for you. Bye.

Very good advice, by the way.

It's instinctive, Mom.

Flows right out of me.

It's like there's this little voice.

inside my brain saying... Boy, you can see for miles in here.

I

got

it. Hey, Mal, Mal, this is getting a little out of hand.

You're giving marital advice now?

Oh, Mom, the column's been expanding.

Oh, I'm giving marriage advice, legal advice.

I'm doing surgery through the mail.

Well, telephone for you. It's someone calling himself Fed Up Freddy.

I told him it's a little late to be calling, but he says he really needs to

speak to you.

Oh, is he annoying.

Well, tell him it is too late to call, but he can come to the open house

tomorrow. Great.

What?

What open house?

Well, I figured it'd be a good idea to have an open house one night a week.

way I can deal with them one -on -one.

Listen,

Freddie, she can't come to the phone right now.

But there's an open house tomorrow.

Don't start with me, Freddie.

Yeah, well, I'm fed up with you, too.

Mallory, I...

I honestly don't know how you handle these people. I find it completely

exasperating. Dear disturbed dad, if you let the little things in life bother

you, you lose sight of what you really have, how much you mean to your family.

She's good.

She's very good. I feel better.

It's really going well, Alex. So many people showed up, and I think we really

helped a lot of them. Yeah, well, I've kept my area tidy.

Well, it's only about 15 more minutes. Maybe we should start moving people

toward the door.

All right, Mom. I'll get out the big net.

Well, enjoy yourself tonight, Skipper.

Actually, I'm a little overwhelmed, Mr. Keaton. See, I couldn't really decide

what problem of mine to focus on.

So, well, I've been kind of hanging around the generally nuts area most of

night.

You can't go wrong there, Skip.

Hi. Hello, I'm Andrea Neff. Are you dear Mallory?

Yes, but our open house is almost over. Great.

I can't even time my problems right. I was hoping to have my crisis earlier

usual, but wouldn't you know it, tonight I get off to a late start. My kitchen

blew up.

Excuse me, miss.

Why don't you just have a seat right by this sign?

Someone will be around to help you soon.

What seems to be your problem, Andrea?

Well, you don't know me as Andrea. You know me as First Love.

Yes!

go did you talk to your boyfriend yes um i you know could you move this i

i talked to him and did you confront him like i said were you firm with him tell

me everything well i i did just what you said i i looked him right in the eye

and i said billy are you seeing another woman and he said no i'm not but i hate

being accused by you and i never want to see you again oh that's not good

I didn't think so either, but I wanted a professional opinion.

Well, I'm sorry.

Aren't you going to fix it?

Um, I don't think I can.

If I'd have come earlier, could you have fixed it?

Look, maybe you're better off this way. I mean, maybe he wasn't the right guy

for you. If he's so willing to leave you just because you asked him a question.

Oh, no, no, he doesn't mind questions. It was just that one that really bugged

him.

Maybe you need to find another guy. You know, there are plenty of them out

there. Oh, for you?

Look at you. You're gorgeous.

It's easy for you to say cut him loose, but not for me. I mean, look at you. And

look at me. I'm not in a position to make a stand like that.

How could you give me that advice?

It was the best advice I had to give. I just tried... I'm Mallory's mother, and

she was trying to help you, believe me. Well, what do you know?

You're gorgeous, too.

Do you have any idea what it's like being me?

Well, I might.

Do you know what it's like sitting by the phone, praying for it to ring?

Yes.

Do you know how it feels to have a blind date show up at your door and say, I'm

sorry, there must be some mistake and he runs off? Yes.

like to go to the prom as a as a hat set girl yes you

know i'm gonna kill this person i i don't know what to say i i'm i

know this this is terrible i know i i should have written to dear abby i oh

that's the last time i tried to save a quarter wait um do you want to sit down

we could talk about it no no i'm fine

He was the only boyfriend I'll ever have, and now my life's a wreck.

I'm sorry to bother you.

Wait, Andrea!

I never heard so many problems. Saw so many tears.

I can't believe how many times I said, would you like a Kleenex?

Hi. Hi.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Would you like a Kleenex?

to catch up with her?

Finally. I tell you, this girl had some problems. Speed was not one of them.

Well, what did you say to her?

Mom, I mean, there was really nothing to say. You know, I apologized.

What more could I do?

I can't believe the way this turned out.

All I wanted was for her to be happy, for them all to be happy.

That's so much like you, honey. It really is.

I was really foolish, Mom.

I was really in love with the idea that I could help these people, that they'd

turn to me for help, you know?

I got carried away.

Well, you did get carried away, but you don't want to stifle that noble impulse.

It's such a beautiful quality, honey.

Mom, I mean, look at these letters.

Make you believe the subjects I was trying to give advice on?

Marriage, aging.

Agriculture?

You know, even as a very little girl, you were always like that, Mel.

So sweet and caring, always so sensitive to other people's feelings.

I remember one time you came home all upset and teary -eyed. You couldn't have

been more than five, five and a half. You said, Dad, Skippy's hamsters are

biting each other. Oh, Dad.

And the lady hamster's biting the man more than the man's biting the lady.

And I said, well, maybe that's what hamsters do. You said, how could that

They're supposed to love each other.

I have to have a talk with that lady hamster.

And the next day you went and talked to the lady hamster, and you came back home

and said, Dad, they stopped biting each other. I said, good for you, Mallory.

You said, yeah, now they're biting Skippy.

I love a happy ending.

If I'd remembered that story, I might have stayed out of the love horn

Well, don't be so hard on yourself.

You made some mistakes, but you gave some good advice. Look, where?

Dear Mallory, my friends have moved. My relatives don't talk to me. My husband

left me. What should I do? Signed, desperately lonely.

But did dear Mallory reply? Here, dear lonely, do yourself a favor. Stop your

whining and learn how to spell desperately.

I never wrote that.

Well, you were so busy.

Up next on TV Land, a very special episode of Family Ties. In part because,

us, they're all very special.

But this one, well, it's just special among specials. Really, so stay tuned.