Original subtitles

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Where's Andy? He was supposed to be down 15 minutes ago. Upstairs getting

dressed. Not yet. It's his first day of kindergarten, Mom. He doesn't want to be

late. Most of the kids I knew were late for kindergarten never bounced back.

Some are unemployed.

Some are in jail.

The rest are at Grant College.

Seems like yesterday we were taking you to your first day of kindergarten.

What a nightmare that was.

I thought it went rather smoothly.

No, as soon as you found out that your kindergarten teacher's name was Mrs.

McGovern, you became hysterical.

We could not convince you that she wasn't related to George McGovern.

You kept screaming, Nixon's the one, four more years.

Jennifer, I'm telling you, you look great. I just want a second opinion.

what do you think of this blouse?

The blouse is fine.

Where'd you get the pants?

Mel and I went shopping yesterday.

Well, how'd they get so ripped?

We had them done at the store.

Costs a little extra, but it's worth it to get them ripped professionally, huh?

Jen, you're not wearing those pants to school.

Why? When you and Dad were at school, all your clothes were ripped. I've seen

pictures. That's different.

Why?

I'll go ask your father.

Jan, I'm telling you, you are going to do great in high school. Yeah, Jan, what

are you worried about? This is Harding High. This is my alma mater. I'm a

there.

Andy, Andy, let's get to work, buddy. You got a lot of ground to cover here.

First day of kindergarten, you want to get off to a good start, right?

I'm ready, Alex.

Now, the first thing your teacher's going to ask is what you did over the

summer. Now, a lot of kids are going to say, I went to the zoo, or I went to the

beach, or I went to a baseball game. What are you going to say?

I watched the Iran contrarians.

And?

President Reagan doesn't know anything.

He doesn't know anything about the scandal.

Okay, you don't want to be quoted out of context.

I was creeping over a thousand times.

Just humor me, okay?

Because our ripped pants were a political statement.

What? That's why we could wear ripped pants to school and you can't.

Forget about the pants for a minute. What do you think of the blouse?

The blouse I like. It's hip. It's rad. It's gnarly.

You'll have to change it.

Okay, Kate, the school bus is leaving in 15 minutes. First stop, kindergarten.

Coming, Alex?

I'd have to be on campus till 11, Dad.

Tough schedule at Leland, huh?

Now, considering you go to a college that offers a graduate program in

pursuit, I wouldn't start with the college jokes.

For your information, it's not a class. It's a psychology experiment.

I didn't know you had an interest in psychology.

I don't. I have an interest in money.

Yes, you've mentioned that.

Some psych major's doing a paper on overachievers.

I put an ad in the Leland Gazette looking for participants, so I thought

apply.

It's 100 bucks if you would make the guy like me text.

Oh, well, when they find out, please let us know.

Chester, please, I'm trying to work here.

Are you hungry?

What are you in the mood for?

Where did you learn the sign for McNugget?

Thanks. I know it's the door.

Hello, can I help you?

Hello.

Alice F. Keaton, overachiever.

Good, I'm Lauren Miller. Come in. Thanks.

Come on, Chester.

Lunchtime. He wants big nuggets.

Again?

I'm not going to look like that when you're done with me.

No, no, no. Chester's here learning sign language. He has over 300 word

vocabulary. That's incredible.

I have a sister who gets by on half that.

Thanks very much.

So, have you ever been the subject of a psychological profile before?

Well, not officially, Warren.

Although my younger sister Jennifer was in the fifth grade. She did a paper on a

member of the family. Chose me.

That's sweet.

I still remember the title.

He ain't heavy.

But he's annoying.

Well, this study will probably be a little different.

Although I do like that title.

Let me see your resume, please. Sure.

There you

go. Member of Phi Beta Kappa.

President of the Young Entrepreneurs Club.

President of the Young Businessmen's Club.

President of the Alliance of Young Entrepreneurs and Young Businessmen.

Thank God someone finally got them together.

Well, it wasn't really that hard.

The only member of both clubs.

Winner of the McKinley Fellowship, the Rotary Scholarship, the Wilson

Scholarship. Alex, this is really impressive.

Seems like the only thing you haven't won yet is the Miss America contest.

Well, you know, that's all political.

I'm really glad that you'll be a part of this study. You mean I'm accepted?

Accepted? Alex, you are the classic overachiever.

You're the Babe Ruth of overachievers.

We can start on Tuesday.

The sessions will run about an hour.

Of course, you'll be paid for your participation.

Hey, come on. Forget about it.

No, it's really not necessary.

It's reward enough for me to be able to help a fellow student in pursuit of

academic knowledge.

Well, it's $50 a session.

The ad said 100.

No, no, it's 100 for schizophrenics and 50 for overachievers.

What?

What, are you getting a two -for -one deal on schizophrenics?

No, we just have variable rates depending on the particular study.

Now, we can begin... The ad said 100.

No, I've got it right here.

You see, 100 for schizophrenics... 85 for manic depressants and 50 for

overachievers.

I don't believe this.

I'm being penalized for being normal.

Anyone who merged the young businessmen and the young entrepreneurs is not

normal.

Ooh. Ooh. What is that supposed to mean?

It means that all you overachievers are exactly the same. You know, all you care

about is how much money you're getting paid.

Well, what happened to the idea of helping a fellow student in the pursuit

academic knowledge?

I wouldn't exactly call a psychology experiment academic knowledge.

What's wrong with psychology?

Nothing, nothing. It has its place right up there with all the other make

-believe disciplines.

Like anthropology,

sociology, my personal favorite, women's studies.

Well, for your information, Mr. Keaton, psychology is a very real discipline.

But, of course, I know it's not as exciting as sitting in a business class

learning how to take over the world in one huge multinational merger. All

okay, all right. Don't start knocking business majors just because we don't

time to sit around and get in touch with our feelings. No, I know you don't.

That's because you're too busy getting in touch with your brokers.

You leave my broker out of this.

I'll tell you what.

I don't know if you business... economic yuppie republican overachievers have

any feelings to get in touch with oh oh really oh well i've got a feeling i got

a feeling that this whole thing is a mistake i see i know where this study is

going you're trying to show that just because i am an overachiever that i have

no soul that all i care about is money well let me tell you something missy you

are wrong and i'm not doing this for a penny less than 75

Hey, sorry I'm so late.

How'd the psychology session go?

Oh, Ma, if you don't mind, I'd rather not talk about it.

Sorry? I had a great first day. I've taken this biology course. I thought

be really boring, but I found a way to relate it to my major.

Found a way to relate biology and fashion design?

Uh -huh.

My first research paper is going to be called Darwin and the Survival of the

Best Fitted.

It's real interesting, honey. My basic premise is that certain animal species

became extinct for the same reason certain types of clothes disappear. They

simply go out of style.

In other words, the dinosaur in the leisure suit suffered the same fate.

I think it's a little more complex than that, Mallory. See, the dinosaurs became

extinct because of some very severe climactic changes in the Earth's

temperature. Exactly.

They didn't have a good winter wardrobe.

Meanwhile, the mammals are running around in stylish fur coats, so they

survived.

That's great, honey.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. There's no way that happened.

How do you know? Were you there?

I've taken enough history to know that the dinosaur's problem was not a lack of

earmuffs.

What's your problem tonight?

Yeah, what's bothering you, honey? Did something go wrong at the psychology

session? I go to see this girl, this Lauren Miller girl, right? The one

conducting the experiment on overachievers.

Anyway, things started out fine.

Say hello, you know, exchange a few pleasantries. The next thing I know, we

into this huge argument about money.

Yeah, in other words, the same thing that happens when you meet anybody.

Even though the ad clearly stated $100 per session, she tells me that's just

schizophrenics. That's so typical of psychology.

I'm being paid less money because I only have one personality.

It's that.

Then... She starts accusing me of being just like all the other overachievers,

of only being interested in money and, uh, status, you know?

Not having time for the more emotional areas of my life. I'm telling you,

nobody's irritated me this much this fast since the first time I met Alan.

Aw, come on. I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking I'm falling for this girl? There's no way. That's not true.

Alex and Lauren sitting in a tree.

Hello. Oh, um, yes, just a second.

Alex, it's Lauren Miller.

It is?

What did you want?

She agrees to 75, and she wants to know if you'll start Tuesday.

Just tell her I'm eating, all right? No, tell her I'm in the shower.

No, no, tell her I'm eating in the shower.

You know, I think he might be able to get that schizophrenic rate after all.

Yes, Alex is coming back.

Alex B. Keaton, over at Cheever.

So how you doing, buddy?

What does it mean when he holds up his middle finger like that?

Exactly what you think it means.

Look, Alex, before we get started, I'd like to officially apologize for my

behavior the other day. It was very unprofessional.

Look, I'd like to apologize also.

I didn't mean to slander psychology.

It's definitely better than women's studies.

I'm sorry I criticized your incredible all -consuming money obsession.

Now you normally exchange your apologies.

That's all we got.

Shall we get to work, then? Sure.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. I don't want to harp on this money issue, but if

you're going to electrocute me, I'd like $175 for my family.

Alex, this is just a polygraph machine.

If someone displays undue tension or an increase in pulse when answering a

question, and the machine buzzes, then I know they're not telling the truth.

Does it really bother you?

Oh, absolutely not. Absolutely not.

I got nothing to hide.

Oh, good.

It's working.

First, I'd like to ask you a few questions to see how well you'll fit in

the rest of the subject group.

Now, politically, would you describe yourself as liberal, middle -of -the

or conservative?

Well, I don't really like political labels.

Conservative.

Thank you.

Okay, overachievers, they tend to meticulously plan out every aspect of

lives, from graduation to retirement.

Do you see yourself as an obsessive planner?

Well, me.

No. Well, I wouldn't say obsessive.

I'm a planning maniac.

Now, the typical overachiever is so focused on classes and career that

not much time left for dating. Would you say you have a very active social life?

An active, active social life?

Yeah, are you actively dating?

Well, I go out on a couple of dates a week.

Maybe more.

This particular week was a little low.

This particular year was a little slow.

You're lucky you don't have one of these strapped to you in real life.

I'm not very good at sitting here and answering personal questions. Maybe this

is more of a give and take. Maybe if I ask you some questions.

Alex, I'm not the one that's being studied here. I'm not the overachiever.

Hey, come on. You can't be doing too bad.

I mean, not everybody gets to do an honors thesis in psychology.

Well, that's different.

Psychology has always come very naturally for me. Even when I was a kid,

was... You really don't want to hear about this.

No, no, I do. I do.

Really, it'll make us more comfortable with each other.

I'll be able to lie in a much more relaxed fashion.

I remember when I was a kid, my mother came into my room and she was screaming

at me because I'd made this huge mess in the kitchen.

She must have yelled at me for about an hour.

When she finished, I looked at her very calmly and said,

Well, how does that make you feel, Mom?

I must have driven her crazy.

The crazier she got, the more interested I became in psychology.

I mean, all my girlfriends had pictures of David Cassidy and John Travolta in

their lockers at school.

I had this big picture of Freud.

All my friends had pictures of Jacqueline Smith, Farrah Fawcett.

And I had this big picture of Pat Nixon.

Now that we're more relaxed with each other, let's get back to work, okay?

Yeah, how about you, Lauren?

Are you actively dating?

That's an area of my life that's in a holding pattern.

I wish I could be as analytical about love as you overachievers, but I guess

could say that I'm in the hopeless romantic category.

Right.

You know, I don't... think that we're gonna get a lot done today why don't we

just wrap it up or we could just continue talking about this informally

over a cup of coffee coffee i don't know is it the beverage problem

no i just we've just got such a great psychologist overachieving

relationship and i'd hate to see that change i understand anyway i've got a

class in a couple of minutes sure oh by the way alex I'd like to come by your

house sometime this week and talk to your family.

I'd like to get a first -hand look at each overachiever's home environment.

I'll see you.

That's what I need.

A psychologist who makes house calls.

Oh, great. Good. Everybody's here. Now is a good time for us to go over what

we're going to say when Lauren gets here.

Now, Alex, I know exactly what I'm going to say. I've been waiting 18 years to

discuss you with someone in the mental health field.

Look, man, you gotta be very careful what you say to a psychologist.

That's why I've drawn up some appropriate comments.

Alex is more than a son.

He's a friend.

A companion.

Someone with whom I can spend many happy hours discussing politics, world

affairs, and current events.

Alex, I'm afraid if I read this aloud, I'll be struck by lightning.

Mom, please read the Alex is more than a son speech if dad refuses to.

When I think of Alex, three words come to mind.

Integrity, intelligence, intellect.

And of course, the soon to be added, institutionalized.

No improvising.

The thing I love best about Alex is that whenever I have a problem, he's around.

You are never interested in my problems.

What does it say? I'm interested.

It says I'm around.

The psychologist out there.

Good. There's a crazy person in here.

Lauren.

Everybody,

this is Lauren Miller. Lauren, this is my father, Stephen Keaton. My mother,

Elise Keaton. Hi, Lauren. Hi. My sister is Jennifer Mallory, and I guess you met

Andy. I really want to thank you all for taking the time to talk with me.

Well, why don't we go into the living room?

You know, Lauren, Alex is more than a son.

I can't do it.

Andy, Andy.

How's it going in there, buddy?

I'm not sure. Where's the straitjacket, Ma?

So I said, I don't care how much interest the money market is making,

don't think it's a very nice gift for Grandma.

Lauren, Lauren.

Uh, Lauren.

Uh, can I speak to you for a minute? Sure, what's up?

Nothing.

Uh, we just, we never really had a chance to say hello.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, so how's it going in there?

Well, the only thing I can tell you for sure is that you're not normal.

But other than that, there's no sign of a severely maladjusted id or wildly

fluctuating ego.

Which in Freudian terms... There are two elements balanced by the superego.

How did you know that?

Well, I took some Freud out of the library the other day.

I just figured since you were spending so much time trying to figure me out,

see what made you tick.

Actually, the interesting thing is, Freud's a pretty amazing guy.

Although I do think he's a little too sexually oriented.

Really?

That's kind of what I liked about him.

I'm really surprised you did that, Alex.

It's a very non -overachieverish thing to do.

Yeah, well, I felt pretty non -overachieverish when I did it.

I'm going to get back inside.

Yeah, Lauren.

What?

You be careful on your way into the living room.

Thanks. I will.

Don't go away. There's more family ties coming up in less than 30 seconds. And

tonight at 6, check out San Diego's favorite comedy lineup. That's right.

Friends, Will and Grace, and everybody loves Raymond.

Smile.

You're watching San Diego's home for comedy, KSWB. Watch the Frog.

Sit, boo -boo, sit.

Good dog.