Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Jennifer, I told you, I don't want that computer in the kitchen.

This is where I do my homework, Dad.

I told her she could use it in here, honey.

Come on, Dad.

Computers are part of our lives now.

Join the 80s.

Join the 70s.

Jennifer, I know you need it for school, but please, use it in another room.

Can I use it in the living room?

Not the living room. There's already an electric clock in the living room.

I better go with him. I don't want him to see that three -way light bulb I got.

Hey, Mel. Hi, Alex.

How was your date, okay?

Fine. Yeah, what'd you do?

Um, saw that new Italian movie down at the North Town. Oh, yeah?

Did your date read you the subtitles?

Hey, hey, Mel, I was just kidding.

I know you can read.

Alex, this is the sixth guy I've gone out with since I broke up with Rick and

the sixth terrible time I've had.

Well, at least you're consistent.

And then tonight I see him with Marilyn Walker.

I mean, how come he can find a girl and I can't find a guy?

Now, Mallory, look, Rick is a very special guy.

He's warm, he's bright, he's funny.

A guy like that is one in a million.

Well, no, I don't mean that he's one in a million. I mean, there are a million

of those guys.

And he's one of them.

Alex, is there something wrong with me?

Let's try and stay in a more productive area, okay?

Now, let's try and identify the problem. Let's look at this logically.

Now, you're crying because you can't find a guy you like. Am I right?

I feel so alone, Alex.

Okay, all right. You're crying and you're alone.

You know, time's beginning to run out on me. I'm almost 17.

You're crying, you're alone, and you're almost 17.

I think I can help.

You can help?

Well, uh, I'll help you find a guy.

You will? Sure, sure. I know a lot of guys, you know, from college. And maybe

can find the right one for you. See, things aren't as bad as you think.

Really? Sure.

Look, Mallory, you are a wonderful person. And if you want to have a guy to

date, then you should have a guy to date.

And I'll find him for you.

Alex, you're really wonderful sometimes. You know that?

I know.

It's a burden I have to bear.

What's that?

Well, I'm just showing you how I can add up numbers. Two plus two.

How do we know if it's right?

Oh, no, Steffi. Since when have you become interested in computers?

Are you kidding?

Mr. Keaton, I see the computer as an unexplored cave that contains unknown

treasures.

Treasures that ultimately could be the key to a happier, more fulfilling life.

Besides, you can play Pac -Man on it.

Oh, that reminds me. I don't want this thing used for any of those Philly

computer games. It's here as an educational tool, and that's it. Please

Jennifer. Oh, yeah, I will, Dad. Okay. I know it's a hang -up of mine, but I

hate these modern gadgets.

Where are you going, Dad?

To the kitchen. I thought I'd make myself some toast.

Great. Let me know if you need any help churning the butter.

Pardon me, Mr. Keaton. May I join you?

I happen to be something of a wizard with toast.

So I've heard, Skippy.

Oh, hi,

Alex. Oh, hey, Mel.

Glad you're here.

I've spent the entire day interviewing some of the most eligible men on the

Leland campus.

Mel, I think this thing is going to work out.

Oh, listen, Alex.

I do appreciate what you're trying to do, but let's just forget it, okay?

Wait, what?

I'm sorry I got all emotional last night. I'm really kind of embarrassed

I don't know, Mel.

What happened last night was a pivotal event in our relationship.

You opened up to me, and I'm not going to turn my back on you now.

It's okay. You don't have to fix me up with anyone.

I already have a few guys in mind.

Really? Who?

Well, there are...

Their names and a brief portfolio of each are right in here.

Let's open it up and take a look at them. Okay.

Now, I'm going to ask you a few questions, and I want some honest

Okay. What if I get them wrong?

Well, Mallory, these are questions about your personal taste, your likes and

your dislikes. You can't get a wrong answer. Oh, okay.

Okay. Now, what is the most important quality in a man's personality?

Sense of humor.

Wrong.

What?

Come on, Mallory, babe. A sense of humor was the most important quality in a

man's personality.

You'd be dating Cheech and Chong.

Oh, oh, okay.

Sensitivity.

Sensitivity?

Mallory, I don't know any sensitive guys.

I insist on sensitivity, Alex. He has to be sensitive.

All right, okay, all right.

Sensitivity and a sense of humor.

Better to think what the guy's going to be like.

Hey, where's Mallory?

Upstairs, I think.

What's she doing upstairs?

Alex, she shouldn't keep her day waiting.

Why are you so excited about Mallory's date? Usually you just wait until they

leave and then laugh.

Well, Mom, that is going to change.

You mean you're going to laugh while they're still here?

Tonight. I have hand -picked Mallory's date.

What are you talking about?

Well, in an effort to improve the wretched and bleak quality of Mallory's

life, I've arranged a date for her with one of the most eligible men at Leland

College.

Why are you doing this?

Because Mallory is my sister. I care about her a lot, and I'd like to see her

happy. How much money is involved?

David, give him a little credit. He's trying to do something nice for his

sister.

Is it more than $50?

Well? Oh, you look beautiful.

Stunning, honey.

Wait, wait, wait. Mallory, Mallory.

I thought we had discussed what you were going to wear tonight.

I'm not wearing that outfit, Alex. That's final.

What is wrong with that outfit?

That was a fabulous feminine outfit.

I spent the whole day at Beautiful Young Miss picking that out.

The least you could do is humor me.

I'm not wearing it, Alex.

Not even the petticoat?

Look, I'm really nervous about this. I don't even know if I can go through with

it. Come on, Mallory. There's nothing to be nervous about. You're going to like

this guy. You guys have everything in common.

I don't know.

I do know, Mal. I fed your vital statistics into this computer.

And I found out you guys are compatible in everything from breakfast cereals to

positions on nuclear disarmament.

I don't have a position on nuclear disarmament.

Neither does he.

See? This is the kind of lack of substance that great relationships are

on.

Mallory, look.

You're about to meet the man of your dreams.

Okay? All right. You're a little nervous.

And it's understandable.

But when he gets here, you just let me handle everything, all right?

Okay. Okay.

Oh! There he is. Okay.

I got it.

I got it.

Roger. Hey, come on in. Thanks, Alex. I hope you didn't have any trouble finding

the place. No, thanks for the police escort.

Roger?

This is Mallory.

Mallory, this is Roger Sloat.

Hi.

Oh, and it's my mom, my dad, and this is Jennifer.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Roger. Nice to meet you, Mr. Keith. Okay, hey,

enough of the introductions, huh?

Why don't we all sit down and get a little better acquainted?

I guess.

I guess you two kids have a lot to talk about, huh?

Get out. Get out.

Alex has told me a lot about you, Mellor. Only good things, ma 'am.

You go to Leland, right?

Sophomore.

Engineering major.

Yeah, that's right.

I understand they have a very fine engineering program at Leland.

Yeah, I enjoy it very much, ma 'am.

He enjoys it very much, Mrs. Mom.

Is Alex their interpreter?

Yes.

So, where are you two off to tonight?

Dad, do you mind?

I'm sorry. Forgive my rudeness.

I lost my head.

Actually... I made reservations for you two at the Bear's Lair. Oh, thanks.

And then afterwards, I thought you could go and see that new James Bond movie.

Oh, I've seen that already. I hated it.

I thought I loved it.

Oh, a little bat in that tube.

Okay, you guys better get going.

We'll see you later. Uh,

Mel? Uh, Raj wanted to get a half piece.

Thanks, Roger.

That was the least I could do.

I'll be seeing you later. Yeah, nice to meet you. Have fun tonight, hon. Bye

-bye. Okay, good night.

Don't wait up for us.

Just wanted to see him safely off the porch.

Okay, Chris, this is the pitch, and this is to swing the bat.

There's a little computer guy patting the batter on his behind.

Dad?

Okay, one pitch.

Just to prove how dehumanizing this game is. Push these buttons.

Strike one.

Strike two.

You're out, Dad.

Strike! It was high and inside!

Help me! What's wrong with this stupid computer?

Not you, Dad!

See how dehumanized I became?

Okay, well, it's my turn. Jennifer, I just sat down.

That first one was practice.

Hey, bassist! Okay, now I'm... Oh, come on!

in a can of darkness.

Come on, honey. It's time for bed.

Oh, five more minutes, please.

Forget it, Steven.

Hey,

what you doing, Dad?

Well, I was just taking this upstairs.

Um, to wash it.

Yeah, the mariachi band was great.

Yeah. Good night. Good night.

How was your date?

Alex, what are you doing here?

Standing here.

Happened to, uh, happen to like standing here.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Great guy, huh?

Mallory, he is perfect for you.

He's all right.

Actually, Alex, he's not that bright.

See what I mean? He's perfect for you!

Listen, Alex, I appreciate what you've tried to do, but it's over. I don't like

Roger that much, so I'm not going to go out with him anymore.

Oh.

You don't like Roger that much, and you're not going to go out with him

Simple as that.

What about me, Mallory?

What about my feelings?

Your feelings?

Yeah, I put a lot of time and effort into trying to help you out. And is this

the thanks I get?

Alex. Is this the Mallory who was crying on my shoulder a week ago? Is this the

Mallory who said, Alex, I haven't met a guy I liked in months?

Is this the Mallory? All right.

All right, Alex, I'll tell you what. One more date.

Okay? You can come along. We'll double.

But if it doesn't work out, that's the end of it. Okay?

Hey, don't do it for me, Mal.

I'm telling you, this place is fantastic.

It's going to be a special night.

There's electricity in the air. I can just feel it.

It's a good thing I wore a rubber boot.

Boy,

I haven't laughed like this.

Raj, Mal, I was amazed when I found out how much you two had in common.

You know, you're both so interested in fashion.

I'm not interested in fashion at all.

Sure, sure, sure you are, Rog. I mean, come on, isn't your father in the

business? He owns a lumber yard.

Yeah, okay. So, uh, so lumber yard, fabric is bought by the yard.

Connection is almost eerie.

So, how about a little, uh... spontaneous conversation.

Starting now.

Mallory, Mallory, tell Roger about that funny thing that happened to you at

work.

Um, nothing funny happened to me at work, Alex.

Something funny happened to me at work.

Trisha, will you let someone else get a word in edgewise?

Whoa, great song.

How'd you two kids get out there and dance, huh?

I really don't feel like it.

Yeah, me neither.

You both listed dancing as a favorite activity.

Uh, Rog, you listed it second, Mallory, you listed it fourth.

Come on, let's split the difference in dance.

Great couple, huh?

Excuse me.

Uh,

uh,

Rod, do you mind if I cut in?

Sure.

Well, it's hard to do that.

Melody, when I sent you out here, I sent you out here to dance.

This is a slow number. You should have been slow dancing.

Like, like Roger and Tracy.

Excuse me for a minute.

Uh, pardon me, may I cut in?

Sure.

Because I like her. Because you cut in on me and Mallory. Yeah, well, Rog, I

only did that because... I

only... Look, why don't we sit down and talk about this? Look, I don't want to

sit down and talk about it. I want to dance.

Rog, my feet are killing me.

Why don't you just leave us alone?

Look, I can't leave you alone. When I leave you alone, Rog, nothing happens.

Well, maybe it's not supposed to happen.

No, look, Rog.

According to this, you are almost my brother -in -law. Hey, pal, I don't want

be your brother -in -law. I only want your sister. And I definitely do not

to be your date.

Okay,

22 to 4.

Your favor.

Your ball out. I warn you, Lee, I know all your moves now. You have scored your

last basket.

You ready?

Ready.

In your face.

Good shot.

Thanks. Okay, I think I got the hang of it now.

Set him up again.

the computer for a week. Has to be back tonight.

It's a week up already?

Now listen, Dad, I know how you feel about these things.

You've been really tolerant and I appreciate it.

Oh, that's okay.

Listen, you don't have to worry about it anymore.

As of tonight, it'll be gone from your life.

Well, I'm...

Glad that ugly chapter's over with.

Me too.

Although Jennifer did seem to enjoy having it around.

She did.

You know, you could always put aside your personal feelings and buy her one.

You're right. I should think about her needs first.

Jennifer! Jennifer!

Honey!

Okay, Mallory, look. I was wrong. I admit it.

Why don't we just go out to the driveway? You can back the car over me a

times. Where are the keys?

I don't understand it, that's all. I mean, you and Roger were great together.

What was it that you didn't like about him? I don't know, nothing in

He was a nice guy, right?

Yeah. And he was a good enough looking guy, right?

Kind of cute, yeah.

All right, I'm getting him over here. No, hey, come on, Alex.

Now cut it out.

I don't want to go out with him anymore and I...

I just do not get it.

Why didn't you two hit it off?

I don't know, Alex, but I do know this.

Now, just because two people have similar interests and backgrounds

they're going to fall in love.

Why not?

Because the right chemistry has to be there. You know, certain feelings and

emotions just have to click right, and they didn't click with Roger and me.

You look so good on paper.

We're not made of paper, Alec.

All right, okay, now we're getting down to it. See, I'm made of paper.

Well, I don't actually mean I'm made of paper. I mean, I'm capable of... I mean,

I like paper.

What am I trying to say, Mal?

You're trying to say, Alex, that you're not good with emotions, but you're great

with facts and figures.

Right.

And you love a situation where you can control all the elements and the human

equation is removed.

Right. And you like to believe that every problem has some kind of logical

solution. Right.

Are you following any of this, Mel?

I'm following it. I'm saying it.

Okay. Finally, I made myself clear.

Now, Alex, you saw that Roger and I weren't getting along. Why did you keep

forcing it?

Because I can't, uh, can't accept failure.

You know, I mean, I just want to make you happy.

I really did, and I was going to, whether you liked it or not.

Thanks, Alex.

But you have to understand that relationships are unpredictable.

You know, there's that magic.

You know, that special something has to be there. It defies logic.

I know.

I hate that.

You know what's funny? Sometimes opposites attract.

You know, sometimes you can be attracted to the least likely person.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.