Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do?

Okay, breakfast is just about ready. At least you can call the kids now.

Alex, I believe.

Alex, good name.

Breakfast is ready.

Ah, this is something, isn't it, Lee?

Hard to believe. Seems like only yesterday it was just the two of us

that apartment in Berkeley.

Full of dreams. Every day an adventure.

Look how it all turned out, too.

You know, work we enjoy, a house of our own, and four beautiful children.

Let's face it.

We got it all.

These eggs are really starting to harden up. Give them another call, will you,

honey?

Hey, kids, let's go. Breakfast is ready.

You know, I think these Sunday mornings are my favorite part of the week.

Smell of bacon cooking, fire in the fireplace, Sunday paper, everybody

at home.

There's no place else I'd rather be.

Same with me, honey.

We are really and truly blessed.

Amen.

At least these pancakes are turning into compact discs.

Get him down here, would you?

Kids, come on, let's get down here. Breakfast is ready.

Not that we don't have our problems.

But when I look around and see what we've got, I realize how lucky we are.

Really, really lucky.

If you kids are not down in one minute, breakfast is going up.

Coming, Mom.

Coming, Dad, or coming, Mom.

Now could we go back to...

No,

now we're going to sit down and have a great big traditional overcooked

breakfast. And afterwards, we're going to clean house and get ready for Uncle

Marvin and Aunt Michelle's visit.

No, that's not today, is it?

Weren't they just here last week?

No, that was last year.

Oh, come on, guys. You all know that my sister and Uncle Marvin come to visit

every year at this time. Oh, you know, and now this would be a nice opportunity

for us to discuss ways to make their visit more pleasant.

Are they bringing the kids, too?

I'm afraid so.

Stephen, you're talking about your niece and nephew, Monica and Marv Jr.

Mom, those two little charmers could make a child -hater out of Dr.

Seuss.

Come on, guys, come on. It's very important to your mother that this visit

well. You too, Stephen. It should be important to you too. It is, honey, it

Your sister, my brother -in -law.

It's enormously important.

I saw that. What happened?

I'm just kidding you.

I know you have a problem with Mark.

Problem? What kind of problem could I have with a guy who walks in the door,

slaps me on the back, first words out of his mouth are, Hey, Stevie, how much

money did you make last year?

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

How much money did you make last week?

When are they coming?

They should be here in time for dinner. Good. Gives us plenty of time to pack

and move to South America.

Oh, good.

They're early.

Let their stay here begin.

my direct last year.

Everybody, say hello to Bingo!

So, it's great to see you guys.

Yeah, always a major joy.

So, what do you guys want to do while you're here in beautiful Columbus, Ohio?

We have some of the finest malls in the Midwest, not to mention some terrific

museums. What is this, teen tour?

What would you like to do, Monica?

What's the point in doing anything?

Excuse me?

I mean, it's clearly futile going to museums, ball games, shopping malls.

all just a momentary escape from the unavoidable certainty of death.

What to do? it's her.

Hey, Monica, that's kind of a morbid viewpoint, isn't it?

Well, perhaps you're all just unable to face the fact of your own non

-existence.

The realization that the only certainty in this absurd universe is that we are

all going to die.

We've got some terrific cemeteries.

Come on, let's get out the funeral directory. Now have a ball. Come on.

Oh, remember Tommy Ramsey?

The one from junior high who wanted to be a dentist?

Yeah. I ran into him at the airport.

He is a Hare Krishna now.

Hey.

Stevie, Stevie. Let me give you a hand with that. Oh, thanks, Marv. I really

appreciate it.

Yeah, thanks. I think I can manage it the rest of the way by myself.

What's for supper?

It's tuna noodle casserole. Uncle Stephen's special recipe.

Yeah, I think you're really gonna like it.

Hey, I'm on vacation. I'm not eating tuna.

I want pizza.

Didn't I tell you in the car?

You're going to eat what you served.

That's okay. We can get pizza.

He's gonna eat tuna casserole like everybody else.

We're all going to eat tuna casserole, whether we like it or not.

All right, but I'm not going to like it.

Boy, they're just growing up right before our eyes.

Isn't it great? Here we are all back together again.

I sure miss you guys.

We should see you more often than just once a year.

Well, I can say I really enjoy having you all here.

Stevie, what kind of a year did you have?

Oh, a very satisfying year, Marv. Kids are healthy, doing well in school, and

he's started preschool.

No, I mean financially.

Well, Stephen had a terrific year down at the station himself.

He produced a couple first -rate documentaries. Well, thank you, honey.

I saw a lovely documentary you produced, Stephen.

It was all about little microscopic creatures.

Oh, you mean paramecium. We're splitting.

I think your public television is for snobs.

Okay, order, everyone, now.

They're always asking you for money.

That's because we're severely underfunded.

So? Whose fault is that?

Come on, now. We shouldn't be arguing. We're here to have a great time.

I am. We're having a great time.

Hello. I love needling, Stevie.

And you love it, don't you, Stevie? Come on!

I really do.

Yeah, Mark, thanks for showing us that tax return of yours.

It's obvious to me you had a truly fabulous year.

And remember, extra cheese and no anchovies on this one. This time, get it

right.

You just keep chewing, Marv Jr.

Dad, I honestly don't think I'm going to make it.

Alex, I know how you feel, but this is important to your mother, and after all,

it's only five days.

All right, you're right, Dad. You're right.

Well, everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I know we are, Mom.

Just... We're just there. There's four days, 22 hours, 16 minutes, and six

seconds left to go.

Honey, I know Marv's not your favorite person in the world.

I really appreciate the effort you're making.

You've been a wonderful host.

See, Alex, get it here.

Marv Jr. is going to put a whole grapefruit in his mouth.

We don't want to miss that.

Aren't you going to go in and watch?

I've seen it a hundred times.

Who do you think taught him how to do it?

Marv, Marv.

Come on now. Oh, Stevie.

You don't still have that silly no cigar rule?

Marv, Marv. I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't. All right, fine, fine.

Hey, you know my motto.

When in Rome, how's the rest of that go?

Why don't you go to Rome and find out?

Come here.

Oh, gosh.

It's good to be with family.

Uncle Marv. Aunt Michelle.

No one knows.

Oh, no.

Wait. Where do you think you're going?

Just out for a walk.

back in four days, 22 hours, 12 minutes and 13 seconds.

I'm coming with you. Hold it!

Hold it!

Nobody's leaving without me.

Wait a minute.

We can't go.

I think it would really upset your mother.

Dad, Monica's driving us crazy. She gets ready to practice obituaries for us.

We are starving out there.

Don't bother yourself. We'll just help ourselves.

Hey, hey.

Stevie, you've been holding out on us.

Come on. Come on, Biggie. Come on.

We like a little snack before bed.

Oh, Dad, Dad, Dad. We hate to see you like this.

Is there anything we can do to help you?

Kill them.

Hi,

Stevie.

Hi.

You look terrible.

Can you sleep?

Sleep? How can I sleep with a 200 -pound St. Bernard on my head?

Didn't Daddy tell you not to bother Uncle Stevie?

What happened to my cereal?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was that your cereal?

We didn't realize.

So, Stevie,

what have you got planned for us today?

I do have something in mind.

I'm going to take Bingo out for a walk. When we get back, try to have something

planned. You're my host.

Entertain me.

Come on, Bingo.

Come on, Bingo.

Come on, Bingo. Come on.

I'll beat you. I'll beat you.

Oh,

hey, Dad.

Do you want to have breakfast with us? Morning.

Mars. And Bingo.

How many days left?

Three down, three to go.

I'm not going to make it. Save yourself.

Okay. This is getting serious. Now, Dad, it's starting to crack.

It hasn't been easy on us either. Hanging around with Monica is like being

Ingmar Bergman movie.

Hanging around with Marv Jr.

is like... There is nothing like hanging around with Marv Jr.

Well, we gotta do something to take the pressure off Dad.

Let's at least get him out of the house. Give Dad one day of peace.

Yeah, I got an idea. We could tell them there's some free food downtown and

that'll take care of Marvin Marv Jr.

What about Monica? What's gonna get her out of the house?

Well, tell her there's a hanging.

Top of the morning, my wonderful cousin.

My mother said to try to be nice.

Well, you're doing a great job of it, Marv Jr. You're wearing my shirt!

I'm not wearing your shirt! Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, what do you think the APK

for? A Perfect Cousin.

Listen, Marv Jr.

Alex, three down, two to go.

Hey, listen, how would you guys like to see the sights of Columbus?

Ooh, that should be a fun -filled two minutes.

We could start out with the downtown area, the Columbus Central, and then

to Germantown, maybe the Ohio State Art Museum.

I'm not getting out of the car.

Monica, there's a world of exciting and interesting things to do around here. We

could really have a great day.

Don't make me laugh.

There's not much danger of that.

Listen, when I'm on vacation, nobody tells Marv Jr.

what to do.

All right, listen.

You little twit.

You're coming to the mall with her.

And so is your sister, the Grim Reaper.

I don't want to do anything.

Uh, we want to go to the stupid mall.

That's a great idea.

Come on, Stevie.

I'll buy you some new thread.

No, she could use it.

And don't you dare thank me. What's a brother -in -law for?

Now, come here. Give me a big hug.

Just missing one piece.

Maybe one of the Mars they did.

That's a good guess.

Don't worry about it, son. I'll be leaving soon.

Three down, two to go.

I know how you feel.

But you know, I've really enjoyed spending this time with you.

I'm beginning to relax. I think I'm going to make it.

That's the spirit, Dad.

I'm prepared, Andy.

Jennifer's ready to tuck you in. Come on, kiss.

Kiss.

Good night, Daddy. Good night, Mom. Good night.

Stephen,

I know this hasn't been easy for you, but I want to tell you, you're a really

wonderful day with Marv and Michelle and all those kids.

Thank you, honey, but I can tell you it's all been worth it just to be here

alone with you.

It's like a sanctuary.

Cozy little haven we can retreat to.

Hey!

Thanks for the Q -tips, Aunt Elise.

I'll let myself out.

Good night, honey.

Yeah, well... One moment, please.

It's someone named Buddy calling Marv from Hawaii.

Collect.

Marv, it's Buddy from Hawaii calling collect.

Oh, thank David.

I've been expecting that call.

get down to business.

What are we talking about here? A crummy 2 ,000 grosses ceramic pineapples? Come

on.

Marv, what are you doing in their bed?

These people need their sleep. Now hang up.

All right. All right.

Listen, buddy, I'll call you tomorrow in Tahiti.

Oh, listen, buddy, have the pineapple people give me a call here.

You guys don't mind if the pineapple people give us a call?

Just give them our toll -free number.

Hey, guys, good night. You sleep tight.

Oh, listen, if Buddy does...

We should spend more time together.

Hi. I can explain.

That's it.

He's gone.

They are out of here tonight. And I mean now.

Stephen. All right, Michelle.

You and the kids can stay.

Actually, only you can stay.

Do you guys got any requests?

Yes, I do. Get out!

Well, I must say, this has been as enjoyable an experience as I'm capable

having.

Well, thanks for having us. But I'll tell you, next year I'm going to Club

Well, I'm glad that's fun.

Marv Jr., you're wearing my...

At least we tried.

Now, remember, Michelle, you don't have to go.

Oh, it's a lovely offer, Stephen, but we came as a family and I think we should

leave as one.

Hey, Stevie, Elise, I had a great time.

Me too, Marv.

Sorry it had to end up like this. Oh, stop. Don't worry about that. And hey,

listen, if you're ever in my neighborhood, please don't you hesitate

stay with us.

We'll throw you out.

Marv Jr. took my pants.

He done that.

Bye -bye.

Bye -bye.

Bye -bye. Bye -bye.

All right. All right.

Now things are back to normal.

Just the six of us. One happy family.

All right.

I know.

Marv, it's impossible.

And I know you guys have no fun when they're here.

Well, I love my sister.

I really... It's a great joy for me to be with her.

So put yourself in my position.

Alex, Mallory, you're brother and sister. You love each other. You care

each other, right?

Well, for argument's sake.

Okay. Okay, okay.

Let's just say Mallory marries some guy that Alex doesn't like.

Like Nick.

For argument's sake.

All right.

How do you handle that situation?

We just don't visit each other.

Elise, look.

I wish this could be different, but just because we're family doesn't mean we're

all going to get along.

I really tried.

And I feel in some sense I failed you.

Not to. No, I just...

Thank you. I appreciate you saying that.

They're gone!

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.