Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without her?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without her?

Sha -la -la -la.

Okay, Andy, what's this?

Doggy.

Let's see.

He's making excellent progress, isn't he, Alex? Yeah, Jan, you know, when you

were his age, you were still trying to calculate simple interest.

What a wonderful family scene.

I just hope you children will remember these moments after your mother and I

dead and buried.

Glad you came in to cheer us up, Dan.

I'm sorry, kids. I just came back from a meeting with my lawyer.

He strongly advises that I drop a will.

Are you sick, Dad? No, no, Jed, I'm fine.

He just thinks it's important for your mother and I to get our affairs in order

while we're still of sound mind and good health.

This is depressing.

Yeah, let's get out of here.

What? Maybe I should wait till your mother comes home from New York before I

anything about this. I don't know, Dad. Mom's architecture convention lasts for

a week. You know, now is the perfect time for you to deal with this.

You know how Mom hates to discuss deaths or funerals or legal battles over who

gets what percentage of the deceased's earthly possession?

She's funny that way.

But you and me, Pop, we could have a good time with this Will thing.

You know, you're interested in seeing that your loved ones are well taken care

of, and I'm concerned with legal and fiscal matters pertaining to death.

This is gonna be great.

I'm glad we finally found something to do together, son.

Andy's really upset about this will talk.

Oh, hey, hey. Tell him not to worry about it. I'm handling the will now.

uh... Show him this figure. I'll put a smile on his face.

Hi, everybody.

This is Margaret Hobbs. She's a freshman with me at Grant.

We're doing a sociology project together for class.

Well, that's terrific.

It's great to see someone going back to school at your age. I mean, um, at your

height.

Well, there are a lot of us shorter people going back to college these days.

Listen, Margo, we're going to be working in the living room. It's right through

there. If you don't mind, you set up at the table and I'll get us something to

eat. Great. Nice meeting you all. My pleasure.

So, what's your project about, ma 'am?

Contemporary sexual attitudes of college students.

Grand College sounds like fun.

No, no, no. Forget it, Jennifer.

No, you're not going there.

This family has already sacrificed one of its young to appease the god of fake

colleges.

Margaret seems like a nice woman.

Yeah, she is.

What's the matter?

Oh, I don't know. I just never thought I'd be doing my first college project

with somebody old.

I was really hoping to work with Holly Parker.

I mean, I'm dying to be friends with her.

Can't you be this Holly's friend without being her sociology partner?

Oh, no, she's a snob, Dad. She doesn't tie to you unless she has to.

Sounds like a good quality in a friend.

The worst part of it, she got stuck with Skippy as a project partner. He'll

probably scare her out of the course and I'll never get to meet her.

Maybe you'll get to work with Holly on another project. In another class.

Oh, come on, Dad. Holly's the most popular girl in school.

She's failing every course.

How long do you think she's going to be there?

It is so exciting to be sitting here doing our homework together.

The last time I did homework was...

1940.

I had to write a paper on whether or not Roosevelt would keep us out of the war.

Did he?

Now, our paper should prove a little more interesting.

Sex and the college students.

Um, Margaret, I've been thinking.

If this topic makes you feel uncomfortable, I'm sure Professor

us another one. Why should it make me uncomfortable?

Uh, well, the subject matter... I mean... No, believe me, Mallory. I'm

comfortable talking about sex.

I approve of sex. I like sex.

I remember sex.

Well, what should we do to start the project? Well, I was thinking we should

draw up a questionnaire and pass it around the school.

That's a good idea.

What kind of questions do you want to ask?

We could start with...

Are you sexually active? And if so, how often do you have sex?

You sure you don't want to change topics?

I mean, that Roosevelt paper sounded really great. Do you still have it?

You know, Mallory, you are about the only person who talked to me at Grant

College. Well, you know, it's a little tough at first, but I'm sure you make

lots of friends. Yes.

I'm hoping to meet Holly Parker.

I hear once you're in with her, you're in.

Well, I know. I was hoping Holly could be my sociology friend, too.

Oh. Well, now we've got each other.

You're my first college friend.

I am?

You can show me the ropes a little bit. You know, bring me up to date on any new

research techniques and study guides and test preparation.

I haven't really gotten too deeply into those things.

Let's meet in the student union for lunch tomorrow.

Is 12 .30 okay?

Um, yeah, fine.

Well, we'd better get back to the project.

Okay. Um, what other questions do you want to ask on our survey?

Um, when did you lose your virginity?

All right, let's take a break.

Alex,

I thought you were going on a picnic with Julie Barr.

Cancel it, Dad. It's going to be a lot more fun to stay here with you and work

on your will.

We just want you to know that Andy and I don't want any part of this will

business. Oh, speak for yourself, Jen.

Andy's asked me to represent him in this will matter.

Andy, tell Dad what you gave me this morning.

Power of attorney.

If you need him to sign anything, he'll be on the monkey bars.

What's the matter?

Well, it's just a little sloppy, Dad. I mean, you've got to be very careful when

you're drafting a legal document.

If your language is the slightest bit imprecise, this will can be challenged.

That's why I got you this little guide here. Help you with your preparations.

Burying your parents for profit.

Thank you, Alex.

Does this book come with a shovel?

Come on, Dad. Don't let the title throw you off.

This is chock full of some very sensible financial advice. In fact, I used it to

draw up this sample, Will.

Which I think you'll find very helpful. Alex, do we have to do this now?

Oh, come on, Dad. It'll be fun. It'll be fun.

It'll be one of those special father -son moments that we'll look back on

fondly.

Or at least I will.

Ah, according to this general guide, all Keaton properties divide up in the

following manner.

100 % of all assets go to Alex Keaton.

To be distributed to Andrew, Mallory, and Jennifer as the aforementioned Alex.

He's fit.

It's off the top of my head. All right,

Alex, I'll give this my utmost consideration. You promise? Promise.

Cross your heart and hope to die?

Not literally.

I'm not sure we have all the books we need, Mallory.

Margaret, we have more books in the library now.

If anyone wants to know something about sociology, they're going to have to come

here. Well, it's going to take us a little while to get through all these.

You know, we may have to pull an all -nighter.

Well, the papers I do for three weeks. I don't think we have to stay up all

night. Oh, but it could be fun.

We could order a pizza and gossip and do each other's hair.

Uh, no. I mean, I don't think so. I've got other courses to take care of. Oh,

okay. I'll call you tomorrow about our project.

Oh, tomorrow's Saturday.

I don't like to think on the weekends.

All right. Till Monday, then. Monday. Okay.

Oh, hello, Skippy.

A bientot.

Skippy, I am so glad you're up here. You've got to do me a big favor.

Well, you know I'd do anything for you, Mallory.

Especially if it involves you and me joined together in wedded bliss.

I want you to trade sociology partners with me.

I don't know.

Who's your partner?

Margaret Hobbs.

The old lady?

She's not that old, Skippy. She's only 66.

She's 66?

That's nine in dog years.

Oh, come on, Skippy. You gotta do this for me. I can't take it anymore.

It seems like she wants to spend every minute working on the project with me,

and I don't have the time.

It'd be different for you, Skippy. It'd be nice for you to have someone to talk

to.

What makes you think she'll talk to me?

And besides, I don't think Professor Connors would appreciate us just

partners.

We better not.

Okay, Skippy, fine.

Fine. I'm warning you, though, this is the last time I'm going to try and take

unfair advantage of you. Last time I'll try to use you.

From now on, I'll just treat you like everybody else.

No, anything but that.

I'd be lost.

Look, if it'll make you happy, I'll do it, Mallory.

You get Holly Parker, I get the old lady.

Does she have a boyfriend?

Look, Dad.

I don't mean to nitpick.

I'm just not sure you're aware of the latest innovations and developments in

estate planning and wills.

Alex, I have all the information I need right here. And if I have any problems,

I can call the will hotline number you gave me.

All right.

Did you know that you can decide that certain individuals inherit money only

they fulfill certain conditions which you prescribe?

Alex, that's ridiculous.

We're not going to place conditions of inheritance on our children.

Well, for example, you can state that Mallory doesn't get a penny if she

Nick. That's already in there.

Is Mallory around?

I have to talk to her about something very important.

Well, I'll tell her you're here, Skipper. I've got to go upstairs and get

estate inheritance form 2W.

Hope I'm not out.

I hate to have to use the short form.

So, what are you doing?

Well, I'm working on my will, Skipper.

So, if there's anything of ours you want, you better ask for it now.

Well, Mr. Keatman.

You know that you possess the only thing that can make me complete.

That can give me true happiness.

Your daughter, Mallory.

I'm afraid she's not ours to give away, Skip.

Well, then how about that neat clock radio in the living room?

Yeah, Skippy, what is it? Oh, uh, Mallory, I need my old sociology partner

Margaret quit.

She quit? Why?

She said it was nothing personal, but she didn't feel that she belonged in the

class anymore.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Neither do I.

That makes four project partners I've lost in a week.

See what I traded to you, Margaret, and the two that mysteriously disappeared

when they found out they were working with me.

I'm like the Bermuda Triangle of project partners.

This is terrible.

When I asked Margaret to change partners, I didn't think she'd react

I just look guilty.

Why did you decide to stop working with her? Just because of the age difference?

Well, that's part of it. I mean, Dad, I wouldn't have minded if she was ten

years older than me or twenty years older or even as old as you, Dad.

I think that should count against her in the will.

Mallory, I don't think Margaret's age should be a problem if she can do the

work. I think an older person could bring new insight to the project.

Yeah. Old people can be really interesting, Mallory.

I have an aunt who's 85 years old, and we get along great.

No, I get along fine with all the people, Skippy, but this is different.

You don't have to go to school and do a sociology project with your aunt.

You don't have to discuss issues like birth control and virginity with your

aunt. We don't have to. We do it because we enjoy it.

Yes, come in.

I'm really glad you're home. I wanted to talk to you.

Skippy said you dropped the class.

Yes, I did.

You know, I really like that, Skippy.

I'm happy the two of you are getting engaged.

We broke that off when we were four months old.

He's just taking a little longer to get over it.

That's too bad.

Um, listen, Margaret, I'd really like you to come back to class and be my

partner.

No, thank you.

Um, I know I shouldn't have switched partners in the first place, but I was

a little uncomfortable because of the age difference, but I'm over that now.

Mallory, obviously you didn't want to work with me, so you switched partners.

I can take it.

Look, I feel responsible.

And you want me to tell you it's all right, don't you?

Well, I can't do that for you, Mallory.

Because it's not all right.

I mean, you really hurt and embarrassed me.

Why did you do it, Mallory?

Um, well, I just thought it would be better for you.

I mean, Skippy said that he really... Be honest with me.

All right.

I didn't enjoy working with you.

Partially because I wanted to work with Holly Parker.

Partially because it felt strange working with someone old.

Older. Old is fine.

Maura, just put yourself in my position.

I'm starting college.

I'm not a very good student.

That's all I can do to keep my head above water.

And then you come along and you expect us to be best friends.

It was one more pressure I didn't need.

You're not the only one who's under pressure.

Try going back to college when you're 66 years old.

Try taking notes in class when you can barely see the page because you left

bifocals at home.

I mean, try asking directions to the bookstore and having everyone treat you

like you're a lost child.

Oh, the bookstore is across campus.

Would you like me to walk you there?

I mean, I'm completely different from everyone else.

I don't know how to act. I don't know how to talk. I don't know how to dress.

Oh, I can help you with that.

Mallory.

I'm sorry I was such a burden on you, and it was my fault.

It was my mistake to look to you to help me.

All right.

I will spend more time working on the project with you, and you can come back

class, and we'll do the project together.

I don't need your charity, Mallory.

It's not charity. I just don't think you should drop the class.

I think I'm old enough to make that decision by myself.

I think you're making a mistake.

I'm dropping the class, Mallory. I'm sorry.

Let's go over this inventory of assets one more time.

Item 41.

The jade necklace.

Okay.

You know the whereabouts of this necklace?

I believe it's still on Aunt Ethel's neck.

Her claim to this necklace is very shaky, Dad.

This was Grandmother Keaton's necklace.

Now, you have as much right to it as Aunt Ethel does.

You're right, Alex.

Let's go over to the rest home.

You hold her down. I'll see... I'll see if I can rip it off her neck.

You're fighting me on everything here, Dad.

I am just trying to get your affairs in order, that's all. I appreciate that. I

just don't want to have to come to blows with Aunt Ethel if I can help it.

She is big.

Hi.

Hi.

How did it go with Margaret?

Awful. She doesn't want to come back to class, Alex.

And she's really mad at me.

I feel terrible. I need someone close to talk to.

Do you know how I can get hold of Mom at the architecture convention?

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

Mal. Mally.

This is me. This is Alex.

This is your brother.

Your confidant.

I didn't mean to offend you, Alex. I'm just used to talking to Mom about

sensitive issues.

Yeah, well, I know I'm not Mom.

But I do know one thing.

When you get hurt emotionally, or even if you hurt somebody else,

it just reminds you how fragile and insecure we all really are and how much

count on each other for support, encouragement.

That was really beautiful, Alex.

Thank you, Mel.

Mom wrote it down for me.

In case Dad was out and something sensitive came up.

I did mention how fragile and insecure you are. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Coming.

Oh, hey, Margaret.

Hi. Come in, come in. Oh, thank you.

I, uh, I hope I'm not interrupting something important.

Margaret, don't be silly. Listen, I, uh...

I understand you're feeling a little down.

Well, uh... I

know I'm not Mom.

Alex!

I can't stay long. I've got a date waiting in the car.

Oh, great.

Well, I'm glad you came by.

Oh, Mallory, I was thinking about what you said today in my apartment and,

all the pressures you're under, and I realized I wasn't very understanding.

No, I was wrong.

I'm sorry, Margaret. I apologize. So was I. I was so busy telling you what it

was like to be old, I forgot what it was like to be young.

Oh, it doesn't feel so great right now.

Margaret, I don't know why I acted so selfishly.

I'm not going to make any excuses for myself.

I just want you to know that I respect what you're trying to do.

I think it takes a lot of courage.

It took me a long time to get up the courage to go back to

school.

You look at me and you see an old woman.

But inside...

I still feel like a little girl going to her first day of school.

I'm scared, Mallory.

And if I was pushing too hard for a friend, I mean for someone to make me

like I belong at Grant, it's because I really need one.

I'll be your friend, Margaret.

Thank you, Mallory.

Will you come back to the class?

I think I'll give it another shot.

Oh, good.

I called Skippy and told him we're on again.

I'm comfortable with him. He's even more out of place than I am.

I'm so glad you're coming back, Margaret.

So am I.

Margaret, honey, we have 7 .30 reservations.

Coming, Skipper.

You had your chance.

laughter laughter

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.