Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do?

Mom,

Dad, and Alex and Mallory will be back from the funeral real soon.

And after we finish our cocoa, you and I are going to play jack.

And then we're going to play poker.

And if they're not back by then...

You and I are going to Mexico.

What's a funeral?

Well, a funeral is where you go to show respect for someone who died. Who died?

Greg, Alex's friend.

I would like to meet him.

That's going to be tough.

You see, when someone dies, you never see them again.

Why? Because they're dead. They're gone.

Why? Because their life's over. That's all.

But why?

Because.

Where do babies come from?

Hi, kids.

We didn't come back. We were going to go to Mexico.

It was a long afternoon.

Come on, Andy. We'll go look at travel brochures.

You all right?

It's just crazy.

So hard to accept.

I was only 21.

I tried talking to his mother, but all I could say was, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

What else can you say? People are in shock.

Look at Alex.

Everyone has their own personal way of grieving.

Was that a funeral or what?

I mean, people showed up. I like that.

All the guys are there showing their respect, and showing respect for the

is very important.

Because the dad had an image problem.

Don't you think, Mom?

I've always felt that.

Honey, I think you should go upstairs and lie down. Get some rest. No, Mom, I

don't want to lie down. I'm fine.

I'm fine. Hey, I'm a lucky guy.

Real lucky.

I was supposed to be in that car with Greg.

But I wasn't.

He said, Alex, come with me.

Have to help my brother move a piano. Short time, 15 minutes out of your life.

What do I say?

No way, Greg.

I'm busy now.

And why?

Because I didn't want to be bothered.

Because I'm selfish.

Do you believe that selfishness saved my life?

I knew it would come in handy.

Honey, I really think you should lie down. You need it. Mom, mom, mom, mommy.

Mommy, I don't want to lie down now, okay? I want to stay up. I want to keep

moving. Okay.

How about my eulogy?

Huh? Was that great?

What's up with that working on that?

How would you rate that? Great?

Incredible? Unbelievably touching? What?

I didn't feel it was necessary to mention his net worth.

Are you kidding me, Dad? People love that.

Maybe so. But I thought you could have stopped there. No need to get into

projected earnings.

I agree with Dad. It was really gauche.

Yeah, well, I didn't find your comments particularly apropos either, Mal.

Me, not apropos?

He's lying there in the coffin.

You don't have to say a tie didn't go with his suit.

Well, they didn't, Alex.

Please, brown and gray?

I want to be caught dead in those colors.

Maybe our time would be better spent remembering what a special young man

was.

Yeah. Yeah, I like you thinking, Mommy.

Why don't you kick it off?

I remember when Andy was born, Greg gave me a Bible.

And he said, Mrs. Keaton, I know that you're not a particularly religious

person. But if this turns out to be another Alex, you're going to need it.

What a guy, that Gregor. What a sports nut. I don't think anybody loved the

Indians as much as Greg did.

I don't think I ever saw him without his Indians cap on.

Yeah, they should have buried him in it.

I wouldn't have gone with the suit.

What's the difference?

The tie already ruined the suit.

And that ends the remembering portion of our program.

Why don't we just go upstairs and get changed?

Greg?

Greg?

What are you doing here?

And you're alive. That's no reason we can't be friends.

I'm not saying we can double date anymore, but... Gregor is back!

Hey!

How you doing?

It's a new dance I'm working on.

The Keaton Samba.

Come on, try it, everybody.

Alex, why don't you come on up?

Oh, I can't, Dad. I'm not finished with the dance. I'm making a real

breakthrough with it.

I just, I don't know whether to end it with a dip or a twist.

Alex, you've experienced a great loss here.

You can't expect to answer all the questions or expect pain to go away in

night.

Don't rush yourself through this. Time is what you need.

Right. Thanks, Dad.

Thanks.

Come on, Alex. You promised. I have to help my brother move a piano. No way,

Greg. I'm busy.

It's a short drive. Fifteen minutes out of your life. No, Gregor.

No. No, I'm sorry.

I'm not going.

Now, you are one hour and forty -seven minutes late, and I have a schedule to

keep. There are women in need of my attention lined up all over this city.

Who are you kidding, Alex? You haven't had a date in three months.

You imagine what that's doing to these women?

We could have a riot on our hands.

You told me you'd help, and I promised my brother you'd be there.

No, Greg, I'm sorry.

Busy man here, okay?

Next time, be on time.

Fine.

I keep asking myself, is there a better way?

Is there another way to pass through this existence?

And I've always admired people who had religion in their lives. You know, it

always seemed to bring such comfort to them.

Brother Timothy, I've lost a very close friend.

I mean, one moment he was here, and then he was gone, and I feel so lost.

Mm -hmm.

And I find myself questioning everything. I mean, who am I? Why am I

are you here?

Well, I'm here because you called me on the telephone.

Well, that clears that one up.

I want to help you, Alex.

How can I help?

Brother Timothy, I've given this quite a lot of thought, and I'm quite...

when I say I think I want to be a monk.

Mm -hmm.

There is, however, one question I must ask.

No girls. That was it.

Okay. Now, when you say no girls, does that mean, you know, not even on

weekends?

Not even on Valentine's Day.

All right, but what if you were wrong? I mean, what if you weren't meant to be a

monk? I mean, you are giving up a tremendous thing with these girls here.

Do you have anything else on your mind?

I'm sorry.

Forgive me. Okay, it's no girl rule. It's a toughie for me.

Hi, Alex.

Who's the monk?

Brother Timothy, I'd like you to meet Erwin Handelman, my neighbor.

How do you do, Erwin?

Oh, fine. Thank you, sir.

So... What brings a monk like you into this neck of the woods?

Well, Alex has been questioning me about the practical and philosophical aspects

of the monastic life.

Mm -hmm.

And what did you say?

Well, Erwin, I've been explaining to Alex that a monk must take sacred vows

obedience, poverty, and chastity. So you mean, do what you're told, always be

broke, and never have a date?

Mm -hmm.

I may already be a monk, and not know it.

That's my parents.

They're not going to really understand this, so I was wondering, would you

consider leaving?

Mm -hmm.

Oh, hi, Mom, Dad. Hi.

This is Brother Timothy.

Hello. Is that your donkey out there?

He's here to talk to Alex about being a monk.

Are you thinking of becoming a monk, Alex? I'm, uh, toying with it, Mom.

I wouldn't concern myself too much, Mrs. Keaton.

I really can't picture Alex in a monastery, denouncing all his worldly

possessions, taking a vow of poverty, getting up every morning at dawn and

scrubbing floors all day, dressed in sandals and a robe.

I say, let him give it a shot.

As though it's not enough to lose one of my dearest friends, let me pour juice

all over myself.

Nice going, Alex.

Gregor. Hi.

Gregor!

I hope you don't mind me dropping by.

Oh, no.

No, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here, but this is a little

My parents heard me talking to you earlier, and they think I'm going to go.

So I wonder if I brought them down here, would you say hi?

Sure. Hi and maybe boo?

Greg, Greg, Greg.

There's a lot I have to say to you, okay? There's a lot of stuff I want to

to you about.

I know, Alan.

But a dead guy walks into your kitchen, you don't offer him something to eat? I

mean, a peanut butter sandwich or something? Oh, I'm sorry.

I wasn't thinking. I don't know the etiquette in these things.

You're the only guy I know.

who's dead, and comes to visit me.

Hey, economic final, huh? I almost forgot about that.

You got to admit, I got a fabulous excuse for missing that one.

You don't even need a note.

Hey, I'll come back another time. I know how important your grades are to you.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. What, are you kidding me? What, are you kidding me?

more important to me than this.

I don't even know why I'm bothering. This is meaningless.

I don't care.

I don't care. I was lazy.

I didn't want to go. Alex, stop it. Let me finish.

No one's stopping you, Alex.

Hi, Mel.

You just in here talking to yourself?

No.

No, I wasn't talking to myself.

I was talking to Greg.

Oh, that's better.

I was supposed to be in that car with him, Mel.

Yeah, but you weren't. No, I wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't. You know why?

Because I was lazy.

Because I was small.

Because I couldn't be bothered.

My life was saved out of smallness.

Out of lack of generosity to a friend.

I just don't get it, Mal. Why am I still alive?

You're still alive to aggravate me.

No. No, that's no answer.

I'm just joking, Alex. No, I should have been with Greg.

I should have been sitting right next to him. I don't want answers, okay?

Because I can't go on like this.

Why am I alive?

Why am I alive?

Why am I alive?

Honey. Why am I alive?

We're going to help you, honey.

That's right, Alex.

We're going to help you. Alex, we're going to help.

My name is Alex Keaton.

I'm 21 years old.

I'm a junior at Leland University. I'm majoring in economics.

Actually, it's a double major, economics and business.

Actually, I'm majoring in money.

Anything to do with money.

It's been a passion of mine ever since I was a kid.

Let's talk about your childhood a little.

Yeah, normal childhood.

I did the things that all kids do.

Like to color, like to finger paint, play the stock market.

Usual things.

You liked money even then?

Love at first sight.

When I was in nursery school, they used to blindfold me and drop coins into

a piggy bank.

I can identify the different coins by the sound.

Deep bass of a quarter.

Plunk.

Lilt of a dime.

Plink.

Sweet squish of a dollar bill.

Swish.

Two dimes, a quarter, and three pennies.

You're very good.

Thank you.

Your mother says you're not sleeping well. You're not eating.

You're troubled by visions, for want of a better word.

That's not exactly true.

Yes, it is, Alex.

You don't sleep at all.

You're a seven -year -old boy. You need your rest.

How much sleep did you get last night?

Last night?

20 minutes.

But they were 20 quality minutes, Alex.

Well, last night was special.

I was going over the transcripts.

I found a fly in John Dean's testimony.

This has got to stop, Alex. Our phone bill to the White House has gotten out

hand.

Well, can I please stay home and watch the hearings on TV?

No.

Oh, please, Mommy. Don't make me go back to that classroom. It's a travesty.

The country is falling apart, and these kids are sitting there waiting to tell

time. You're going to go to school, Alex, and I don't want a repeat of what

happened yesterday.

Oh, Mommy, my president is being impeached.

How can you expect me to continue living the life of a normal second grader?

I'm waiting for you to begin living the life of a normal second grader.

Walk to school today, Alex?

Okay, Skippy, if you want to.

But Skippy didn't stay up all night worrying about Watergate.

Huh?

How much sleep did you get last night?

19 hours.

You see?

19 hours?

I came home for lunch yesterday and took a nap. I just woke up a few minutes

ago.

Mommy, I'm going to skip breakfast, okay? I want to get to school.

It's almost ready.

I can't, Mom. I've got the Cub Scout meeting and I've got the Kitty Chamber

Commerce lunch.

Alex, don't go. Mom.

Don't go.

Don't go. Don't go, Greg. Don't go.

I could have stopped him. I could have... I should have told him.

But we had a fight.

Stupid. Fight, damn it.

Now he's dead.

He's dead, and there's nothing that anyone can do about it.

Where were we? You were talking about the problems with your mother. I

call them problems, necessarily.

Sorry.

She's a mother.

That's what mothers do. They worry, right?

I don't know.

All right, look. If you're going to take that attitude, we might as well stop

talking right now, okay?

What attitude?

You know what attitude.

I'm going to sit here.

I'm going to do all the talking.

I'm going to pour my guts out.

And you're just going to sit back there silently and be God, huh?

Pretend you don't know anything.

Wait a minute. You went to Grant College?

That's right.

Maybe you weren't pretending.

Maybe you really don't know anything.

How do you know Grant College?

My sister Mallory goes there.

Let's talk about Mallory.

Yeah, okay.

How do you feel about her?

I like her.

I like her a lot.

Thank you, Alex.

That's sweet.

Well, you knew that, didn't you, Mel?

Well, it's nice to hear.

I love you.

I love you very much.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm getting dressed.

I have a date.

Oh, yeah? With who?

Greg.

What are you talking about? Greg's dad.

Nobody ever dies, Alex. Don't be silly.

Greg's coming back in another life. We all are.

Nobody ever dies?

No.

Boy, I wish I could believe that.

Wouldn't that be great if that were true?

It is true, Alex.

You just have to accept it. You just have to believe.

Read Shirley MacLaine.

Multiple lives.

I could come back as me.

I could fix the things that went wrong this time.

I could warn Nixon about the tapes.

You see, Alex, each time around, you work on whatever problems you didn't

in your previous life.

Say you're a bad dresser in a former life.

You could come back as a designer.

God, Mel, it must be so easy being you.

It must be so simple.

Is it hard to be you, Alex?

Hey, hey, do you mind? Okay, I'm talking to my sister.

Tell me more, Mel. Tell me more.

What's heaven like?

No matter what you eat, you can't gain weight.

Answer the question, Alex. Is it hard to be you? You know the answer.

Of course it's hard.

They have these great stores there, Alex. They open at 9 in the morning and

open until infinity.

And Alex, Alex one size fits all.

Why is it so hard to be you?

You know.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.