Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without a...

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

You know,

it started out as a few innocent little lies.

I wouldn't even call them lies.

They were, they were lie -eth.

And it just snowballed. I mean, what can I do now?

Dina believes very deeply in this cause, Alex. Your attitude towards it is, uh,

well, it's really insulting to her. If you care at all about Dina, you should

tell her the truth now.

Of course, in the end, I did the honorable thing. I lied to you.

What? I lied. I lied. It's all a lie.

I'm not pro -ERA.

I just made believe I was, so you'd be interested in me.

Alex Keaton.

I'm not worthy of your applause.

It's time that you heard the truth. See, I defended Dorothy Cannell's right to

be heard, and I believe in that.

Yes! No, please.

See, my reasons for doing it are not what you think.

I did it for a girl.

All right!

Shut it up. Shut it up. See, I'm trying to apologize here.

See, I may believe I was something I'm not.

So this girl would be interested in me.

It seemed harmless enough at the time.

But the truth is, I'm not in favor of the ERA.

I'm sorry, Dina.

And I apologize to you, Dorothy, to my family,

and to all of you.

See, I can't accept this, Honor, because I believe that the leader of a movement

has to believe in the movement.

And I honestly don't.

I have managed to gain some new understanding of the need for ERA.

And it comes from seeing intelligent, courageous people who want it as badly

you do.

So you see, I'm not the Alex Keaton that you thought I was.

Sorry.

All right, okay, I made a mistake.

All right, I admit it. At least I apologized. I mean, I was a man about

I was a woman about it.

Wait, I was a person about it.

What happened to Dina?

Well...

Uh, Andy, we felt it under the circumstances.

As soon as she found out that Alex was just pretending to be interested in the

ERA, she told him off and she hasn't talked to him since.

Kind of tempting when you think about it.

Yeah, we were doing so well, too.

What a little mistake.

Can't get past it.

That's because women have real depth, Alex. Something you can't understand.

I see.

Face it, Alex. When a girl is around, the guys will do and say anything to get

that girl.

Is that true, Alex?

It's not an easy question to answer, Andy. I mean, there's so many variables.

Is that true, Alex?

Absolutely.

I'll never do that. Even if a girl likes a guy, she's still rational. She still

maintains her dignity.

Oh, really, Jennifer?

Remember when Scott Handley came back?

Oh, well, that was different. I was much younger then.

You see, Andy, Jennifer had this... Big crush on this boy, Scott Handley.

Anyway, he moved away, and when he came back to visit a few years later, for

some strange reason, he only had eyes for Mallory.

So, naturally, Jennifer came to me for advice.

I have a problem, Allie.

Jennifer, you're 11 years old.

You got a roof over your head?

You're fed every day?

Don't pay taxes?

What kind of problem could you possibly have?

The baseball game wasn't rained out.

Scott took Mallory out to dinner instead.

Oh, maybe he forgot.

How could you forget about something like that?

Scott and I used to be best friends.

He never used to like Mallory at all.

Now it's the opposite.

What has Mallory got that I don't?

Let's put it this way, Jen.

A 17 -year -old guy will tend to have different tastes in girls than an 11

-old guy.

I mean, it's only natural.

At this point in his life, Scott is interested in girls who are more soft.

How did this happen to Scott?

Why did he have to change?

Well, it's nature, Jen.

Through none of her own doing, Mallory just happens to have that certain

intangible quality that attracts boys.

Boys who are helpless victims to the hormone.

Coursing through their veins.

Now, boys like Scott.

Can we put a stop to this?

Too late, Ted.

It's all over for Scott.

In his kind.

It's not fair, Alex.

Yeah. There's nothing you can do about it, Jen.

My advice to you is that you just enjoy being a child for as long as you can.

No, I did.

It's been two weeks of my life.

The important thing is that Jennifer just knew how to handle this situation,

she maintained her dignity.

Scott Hanley's table, please.

If you will follow me, senora.

Jennifer. Good evening, Scott. I thought I'd join you.

No!

Jennifer, why are you dressed this way?

I'm a woman of many moods, Scott.

Young and playful one moment.

Sophisticated and deadly serious the next.

Jennifer,

this is a table for two.

I'm sure you can make room for your sister.

Well, Scott, what do you recommend?

Last time I was here, I found the pizza with bologna very much to my liking.

Shall I go for it again?

I don't get it. Is this a joke or something?

I'm deadly serious, Scott. Pizza with bologna or not?

Jen, we already ordered.

Mallory, Scott needs his strength. He has Mormons coursing through his veins.

There'll be no talking about baseball tonight, Scott.

You know what I mean?

Not really.

You'll find tonight that I could be as soft as the next girl.

Buy you a drink?

All right, Jen.

Come here for a minute. No, you're making a spectacle of yourself.

Hey, listen, I think we ought to take you home now. I don't need you to take

home.

not a little girl. Wait on my bike.

All right, so it was a little impulsive, but my feelings were hurt.

What would you have done in my place?

I would have gallantly stepped aside and let Mallory enjoy her evening.

And more importantly, I would have brought home some pizza for my brother.

Come on, that's easy for you to say, Alex.

Of course it is, because with guys, coolness always prevails.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, boy.

Us guys got to stick together, huh, Pop?

Absolutely.

Absolutely not.

Or anywhere in between.

What are you talking about?

Alex was saying that guys are so cool, implying that girls aren't, that we're

ready to snipe at each other any chance we get.

Is that what you think, Alex?

My coolness prevents me from responding.

Alex, you just hate to admit that there is a sisterhood among women. Thank you,

Mom. That you don't find among men.

That's a fabulous point, Mal.

What Mallory is trying to say is that women have a gentle and reasonable way

working out their problems.

Mom, you weren't so reasonable when you were having that little disagreement

with Mal over that modeling incident a few years ago.

Mom got picked to do a commercial for the proper Penguin frozen food company,

and Mallory was really jealous.

I thought you all went bowling. Oh, no, I told Dad to go ahead without me. I've

got a lot of studying to do.

Oh, sorry.

This is a day for your little commercial.

I forgot.

I get out of your way.

Okay, people, this is for real.

Places, everyone, places.

Proper Penguin, frozen food commercial. Take one.

And action.

I was held up at work. Traffic was awful. How am I supposed to cook an

impressive dinner for eight important friends in 20 minutes?

What about the proper penguin?

Oh, I forgot. Thank you, Sir Penguin.

Look at that. An entire gourmet meal right in your freezer.

Escargot, turtle soup.

succulent Peking duck with all the fixings, and for dessert, a cat.

What is it?

Sorry, Mom, can I have the ice cream at Lucy's?

Right behind the turtles.

Sorry.

Here, Mallory.

Now, please don't interrupt.

I won't. I'm sorry.

Can I just get a spoon, Mom? No.

Places, everyone. Places.

Roll them.

Proper Penguin frozen food commercial. Take two.

And action.

I was held up at work. Traffic was awful.

How am I supposed to cook an impressive dinner for eight important friends in 20

minutes?

What about the proper penguin?

Oh, I forgot. Thank you, Sir Penguin.

Look at that. An entire gourmet meal right in your freezer.

escargot, turtle soup, succulent baking duck with all the fixings, and for

dessert, yes, why not, crepe suzette flambe.

microwave we don't need a microwave for the commercial oh sorry

um i'm just trying to help look here it's 114 degrees

in this suit maybe i'll take a walk make it a long one

okay places everybody places once more

Proper Penguin, frozen food commercial, take four.

Okay, very quietly, once again, and action!

I was held up at work.

Traffic was awful.

How am I supposed to cook an impressive dinner for eight important friends in 20

minutes? What about the proper penguin?

I'm warning you, kid.

Proper Penguin frozen food commercial. Take 22.

Action! I was held down at work.

Tropic was important.

How am I supposed to cook eight friends in a...

impression here. All we're talking about are the arguments, the deceptions, and

the fights we've had.

That's not the whole story.

You know, it's okay to be mad at someone.

You know, even somebody you love.

Even someone in your family.

It's only wrong when you stay mad.

The fact is, when push comes to shove, we all stick up for each other.

Even Alex and Mallory?

Especially Alex and Mallory.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Okay, let's not go telling tales out of school here.

I've got an image to protect.

Andy, even though your brother doesn't like you a minute, he happens to be a

very nice guy.

Don't listen to any of this.

We were coming home from Princeton. A disaster of a weekend. I messed up

everything. But Alex, Alex was great.

How are you feeling?

I want to die.

Guess you're not up for a game of gin and rummy then, huh?

What a weekend.

I ruined your interview. I lost my boyfriend. I made a complete fool of

in the process.

Never before have I acted so stupidly and so selfishly. Come on, Mallory.

Sure you have.

I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. Come on, cheer up, will ya?

So, uh, how did you and Jeff leave things?

Well, there wasn't a whole lot we could say to each other.

I mean, we did agree to see other people.

It was stupid of me to go up there this weekend.

Why didn't you try to stop me?

What?

I'm kidding.

I'm just kidding.

Well, it's good that you can laugh about it.

Despair does funny things to a woman.

Listen, uh, Mallory.

You lost a boyfriend today.

A good one, and, uh...

And I know you're upset.

But let me tell you something.

You're a very special person.

You got a good heart.

You got a good sense of humor.

You're attractive.

And you're a lot smarter than I usually give you credit for.

So don't you worry, Mallory.

There are a lot of guys out there who consider themselves lucky to even meet

someone like you.

It's true, Mallory.

I don't know what in the world just possessed me to say all that.

But, uh, it is true.

Alice, I don't understand it. I mean, I'm surprised you're not angry with me

after what I did to you today.

Mallory, what would be the point in getting angry at you now?

You're brokenhearted. You're in a weakened state.

Oh, well, you feel better than I really do. No,

I'm serious, Alex. I ruined your college interview.

I mean, I practically destroyed your chances of getting into Princeton.

What I did today may have damaged the course of your entire life because of

Mallory, listen.

I'm not angry now, but if you keep this up, I'm going to throw you off the

train.

But it's true.

I don't understand it myself.

All I know is when I was up there in Dean Memminger's office and I saw you

wandering across the campus delirious with grief, it really got to me.

All of a sudden, getting into Princeton didn't seem as important as helping you

out.

I think you're changing, Alex.

You may be right, Mallory.

I really learned a lot about myself today.

What?

Well, I always... that i knew myself you know what i wanted how i wanted to get

it apparently i was wrong i am just going to have to face the

cold hard truth that underneath it all like it or not i'm just a

hell of a nice guy shut up and deal the cards

all right how about a game of hearts

Old man?

I was too nice.

Look, I had a fever, okay? I wasn't myself.

You see, Andy, that's what family is.

Everybody's here to help everybody else.

So you need some help, we're here.

Even if I need my shoe tied?

Right, come to me.

Or if I need someone to take me to preschool?

Right, come to me.

Even if I need a hundred bucks?

Go to Dad.

It's true, Andy. We all help each other out around here.

Sometimes it may not seem that way. There's a lot going on around this

and it's easy to feel left out, especially when you're the youngest.

All right. Are you still whining about that? It's been five years.

You know, Alex, it's not an easy thing to forget. How do you think it feels?

lost me in a card game.

Well, I obviously found you.

You see, Mallory was supposed to babysit me that night, but she passed me off to

Alex. He went to a card game where he got so involved he didn't even realize

that I had walked out.

I thought you went outside for a smoke.

Careful. We've apologized over and over.

Hi. Mom said you'd see us now. Can we come in?

Sure. Thanks.

Guess you want me to leave, then.

Wait a minute. Why would we want you to leave?

Well, you never seem to want me around lately.

Come on, Jennifer. That's not true.

It isn't, huh? Is that why you dumped me for Jeff?

Jennifer. Hey, Mallory didn't mean... At least you dumped me for a nice guy,

Alex. You dumped me for a group of winos.

Yeah, Alex.

Wait a minute. Whose side are you on? On the other hand, Mallory, you hurt me

even more.

I don't expect anything from Alex.

Yeah, Mallory. Wait, wait.

What do you mean you don't expect anything of me? Are you saying that I

neglected you?

Alex, the only time you talk to me is when you want me to leave the room or

need some money.

How can you say that?

Remember this morning, I talked to you. I talked to you. I passed you in the

hall. I said, uh, hey, how you doing?

I'm touched.

Look, Jennifer, I don't know if I make you feel any better, but we're grounded.

For how long?

Let's put it this way.

You'll be driving before we will.

Look, I don't know why you guys are here. You don't care about me.

It's always you're too young for this, Jennifer, or we can't go because of you,

Jennifer.

I'm not a person.

I'm a little sister.

Jennifer, we don't really treat you like that.

Yes, you do.

You guys are always so busy.

You never have time for me.

Alex, you're busy with your work, your clubs, your school.

Mallory, you're busy with your boys and... What else do you do?

It's just because we're older, Jennifer.

When you get to be our age, you'll be busy too.

I'll never be your age.

I'll always be younger.

No matter what I do, you guys will always get to do it first.

Well, that's true, Jennifer, but there are a lot of advantages to being the

youngest.

Like what?

Well, for one thing, Mallory and I have worn Mom and Dad down. We've broken them

in. We've trained them.

By the time you get to be our age, you'll be running this place.

That is something to look forward to, but what am I supposed to do between now

and then?

We'll try and make it more fun for you, Jen.

Will you guys let me get in trouble with you more often?

Sure we will.

Will you take all the blame when we do?

We always do.

I know.

That's my favorite part of being a little sister.

You know, Jennifer, when we didn't know where you were, we were really worried

about you.

You mean it?

There was a moment there when I realized what it would be like.

If you weren't around, then I didn't like the idea.

For one thing, I'd be stuck here alone with Mallory.

I love you, Jennifer.

Sometimes we forget to say it, but we do.

You too, Alex?

Me too.

Well, I think that's enough storytelling for one night.

It's time for bedtime.

I'm going to sleep. I want to hear more about how you guys fight.

All right, well, that was a ton of Mallory. Alex.

I'm sorry, Mom.

Don't think about the fights, Andy. Just think about how we make up and how we

just love each other.

Just remember those things.

We do.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.