Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Look, I don't understand. We go to a nice restaurant.

We have a very nice dinner, and the next thing I know, you guys are calling me

sexist. Alex, your behavior tonight was right out of the Middle Ages.

I was embarrassed to be in the same restaurant as you.

I was just trying to be courteous.

You ordered all our meals without even asking us what we wanted.

Well, I didn't hear any objections.

We were checking in our coats.

All right.

Good to be home.

Oh, yeah, you're no better than he is.

Maybe not, but it's still good to be home.

I can't believe you let him order for us like that.

Well, it wasn't my fault I walked away for a minute.

Andy and I were over looking at the lobster tank.

It was really my fault, Mommy.

Yeah, I'm sure you guys always stick together. Wait a minute. I just don't

what all the fuss is about.

I mean, it is a time -honored tradition for the man to order for the woman. I

was trying to be a gentleman.

I noticed you let us pick up the check.

Bye. Different, that's business.

By the way, Andy, what you saw tonight is not appropriate male behavior.

Excuse me, Mom, but I think Dad and I are very capable of demonstrating

appropriate male behavior to our young male friend here.

Alex, please, I'd prefer not to be paired with you at this time.

I'm sure you understand.

I shudder to think of the chauvinistic habits you two were teaching, Andrew.

Look, don't worry, Mom, okay? Dad and I are teaching Andy everything he needs to

know. We have a very big weekend planned. Now tell him, Andy.

Boxing, hockey, wrestling.

That's great. That's just what Andy needs.

An entire weekend full of grown men beating each other in the face until

drop.

Maniacs doing a little skating between fighting.

And sweaty, fat men.

throwing each other down over and over again.

Don't try to make sense out of this, Mel. It's male bonding.

It's man's excuse for slobbering all over each other and yelling, yes, yes.

See, Jennifer knows what it's about.

Oh, well, excuse us. It sounds like the perfect weekend.

Well, you just admit the fact that male bonding is a concept that you can't

completely understand.

Oh, is that so?

Well, if I remember, when the girls and I went to the mountains, you men had

your perfect weekend here, the house all by yourself, bonding all over the

place?

Hey, Alex.

Whoa!

What are you doing, Dad?

You know, you could break something.

Come on, Alex. What are you worried about? We got the house to ourselves,

the guys.

Let me see that arm.

No, no, it was my fault. I should have dove for it.

See, I got it.

How about a game of chess, huh?

Yeah, okay, all right, Dad, if you really want to.

Okay, all right.

This is great.

All right, so play a few games of chess, then we'll go out for a real man's

night on the town, huh?

Get a couple of big steaks, very rare, and back here for brandy and cigars.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Uh, Susie.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

What do you mean right now?

Well, Susie, are you kidding me? I mean, I'd love to.

But I can't.

No, no, I... It's just not possible.

No, well, thanks for calling.

Okay, bye -bye.

We're all set. Don't think you're gonna mop up the board with your old dad

tonight. Got some new strategy lined up.

Go ahead, you move first, lad.

That, uh... That was Susie Marcus.

Susie Fargate?

Yeah.

You remember her? I had this big crush on her all the way through high school.

She wouldn't even talk to me then.

So anyway, she just, uh, she came into town to surprise her folks, but, uh,

weren't home.

So she called me and invited me over.

To her, um, empty house.

Now.

Oh.

Oh, well, uh, listen, Alex, if you'd like to go over there, believe me, I

understand.

No. No.

No, don't be silly, Dad.

No, no, my feelings for Susan Farkas were nothing more than a passing

crush. Come on, I'm over that.

No, I'd much rather just hang around here with you.

Play chess.

Okay.

I mean, we're in the middle of a game here, you know?

It wouldn't be right for me to just pick up and leave in the middle of a game.

If the game were over, you know, then that would be a different matter

Bad move, Alex.

Bad move.

Checkmate.

Whoa!

Boy, you pulled that out of a hat.

Holy cow. Boy, when I took your rook, your knight, your bishop, and your

I thought I had you beat, but boy, I didn't even see that.

Go ahead, Alex.

Go to Susie Farkas's.

Don't mind if I do, Dad.

Dad?

Thanks.

Great bonding.

We weren't really trying then.

Come on, Alex. Get the football. We'll bond now.

This is embarrassing.

No, no, no. Daddy's right. We were holding back that weekend.

You see, we men bond so well that if we don't resist a little bit,

we become permanently bonded.

That's right. We were just being careful.

The trouble with you men is that you tend to bond over such superficial

We women tend to bond over a shared emotional experience.

All right, all right. Maybe we didn't have that great a time, but we weren't

only ones who had trouble that weekend.

Well, this is it.

This is it? This is it.

This is it?

I know it's a little rough around the edges, but the important thing is we'll

together. We're going to have a great time.

Where's our room?

This is it.

Where's your room?

This is it.

Where's the bathroom?

If you say this is it, I'm leaving.

The bathroom is two cabins down.

Look, we're only going to be here for the weekend. We can make the best of it.

Well, then I just will unpack.

No, no, no. Let's leave the unpacking till later. I'm too excited.

Let's just sit down and have a wrap session.

What do you want to wrap?

the w this is rap with an r uh it's a term we used in the 60s it means talk

talk session didn't sound right so we used to say never

mind let's just sit down and talk what do you want to talk about uh well um

i want to talk about the change that's going to happen in our lives when the

baby comes home I want to know how you feel, what your thoughts are, your

your expectations.

Tell me everything.

I don't want to change any diapers.

Good. This is good. I think this is exactly the kind of thing we want to get

in the open.

What else is on your mind, Mal?

Nothing.

Jennifer, what about you?

I mean...

You've always been the youngest.

Baby, it's all going to change.

Do you have any special feelings that you want to discuss?

I'm still feeling a little carsick. I'm afraid I might throw up.

Thanks for sharing that with us, Jen.

She asked for my feelings. Not what she meant. What is my feelings? Girls, hey,

wait. Maybe this isn't the right time for a rap session. Maybe we can kind of

ease into that one later.

Oh, oh, I've got an idea.

I was going to save this for tomorrow, but we're in the mood now, so why not?

I don't believe it. You brought a photo album with you?

Oh, this is not just any photo album. This is an album that I made up of our

history together as mother and daughter.

Keaton, girl, oh, how we've grown.

These are old pictures, Mom.

I know they're old pictures. That's the point.

Well, there's none in here of Alex or Dad.

I know, that's the point. It's just us.

But we've seen these pictures before, haven't we?

No, not like this, not all together. See, not in this format.

They're still the same old pictures.

They are not the same old pictures. When you put them all together in one book,

they take on a totally different meaning.

Not that they show the joy and the closeness that we've shared down through

years. Now sit down and share the joy.

And that's what your mother means by emotional bonding, Andy. I hope you were

taking notes.

No, that's not fair. We were out of our element.

Yeah, you should see us at the mall.

All right, all right. Let's not get carried away by sweeping generalities.

you'll get confused.

There are women who are good.

There are women who are not so good.

There are men who are good. There are men who are not so good.

And then there's Alex.

Uh, he's in a class by himself, you're right.

Well, there is one man we know who has never given in to any of these

chauvinistic attitudes.

In fact, he's the only man who is truly a credit to his sex.

Nick's great that way.

Nick? Nick.

Nick?

Yeah, Nick's special.

Well, yes, yes, we could tell that the first time we met him.

Hey, Mallory!

He's really anxious to meet all of you.

Nick! Come on in, Nick!

Do I have to?

He seems anxious to meet us.

I don't know about you, but I am keeping an open mind about this.

It's just clothes.

Nick Moore, I'd like to meet my parents, Elise and Stephen Keaton.

Nice to meet you, Nick. It's a pleasure having you here. Hey.

It is nice to meet you, finally. I've heard an awful lot about you. Hey.

My brother and sister, Alex and Jennifer.

Hey.

How yous doing?

We's doing fine.

At least I's doing fine.

That's, uh...

It's a nice earring. Yeah,

I found it in the garbage.

Picked it up on my rounds.

Are you a garbage man?

Me? I mean, but I hope to be one one day, you know?

It's the only way to get the good garbage.

The good garbage.

How do you distinguish that from the bad garbage?

You gotta have an eye for it.

I'm not sure I understand.

Nick's an artist.

I am like what they call an environmental artist.

I make things out of trash, garbage, junk.

You'd be amazed at the things you could make from garbage.

See this hat?

I made this hat from garbage.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Yes, we could tell that the day we met him.

And the more we got to know him, the more special he seemed.

Did you say something, dear?

No. No, I didn't. Are you sure? It sounded like you... I just coughed.

Oh, I see.

I see.

Well, if you say something, I'm ready to respond.

Great, Dad.

I'll look forward to that.

This is really nice.

You guys, do you like this all the time?

You mean with utensils?

Alex, he's a little strange.

He's all right.

He's a cute little guy.

He's just a little stiff is all.

You know what you could use, Alex?

No, no. What could I use, Nick?

An earring.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, really?

Get to lose.

Here.

No, no, no, Nick.

I enjoy being tight.

What kind of things are you interested in, Nick? I'm interested in Mallory.

Yes, indeed.

How about school?

How about school?

Do you go to school? No.

Can you expand on that?

Yeah, like when school's on, I'm not there.

Ah. Really, Dad, I mean, there are other things we talk about besides school.

No one's even asked him about his art. Hey, it's okay.

No, you love to talk about your art. Dad, ask him.

Um, so, uh, Nick, um, how did you get interested in this environmental art?

I don't know.

Can you expand on that?

I don't know.

Very good.

Getting back to the school issue. No, come on, Dad. Nick was talking about

You interrupted him. Sorry, Nick.

Didn't mean to cut you off like that.

What were you going to say after I don't

know?

I don't remember.

Anybody like some more pee? Right here. Yep.

You know, environmental art isn't the only thing Nick knows about.

He has a wide range of interests.

Here's a thought that just occurred to me, Nick. Don't you think a person needs

an education?

Not every person. Not every person? Come on, Dad. Excuse me, Mallory. How can a

person make a living without an education?

I don't know. Why don't you ask somebody who's educated?

I don't think a person needs an education to answer that question.

Did you tell these peas are fresh?

I guess what I really want to know, Nick... Hey, look, I was invited here

meal, you know, but this doesn't feel like a meal. It feels like a test.

You know, I'm sorry I'm not the kind of guy you're looking for. I'm not smart,

I'm not cultured, and I'm not sophisticated. You know, I'm not no

Bronson.

Andy, that's how Uncle Nick became part of our family.

Andy, Nick is not your uncle.

But don't listen to him, Andy. You need a man who is above all this male

chauvinism. Nick is a perfect male role model for you.

Oh, wait a minute.

All right, okay, what about Dad here?

I mean, Dad has been behind every feminist issue since the very beginning.

Eh.

Or me.

I mean, I don't want to brag, but I'm no stranger to the women's movement

myself.

You? Well, it was before your time, Andy, but I was a very big supporter of

ERA. I fought for the cause.

I suffered for the cause. I sacrificed for the cause.

Who was the girl, Alex?

Dita Marks.

Really pretty. You would have been proud of me.

Sexual discrimination of any kind is entirely intolerable to me.

Really? The mere thought of it makes me wince.

Don't you feel that way?

Oh, yeah, I do. I just didn't think you did, that's all.

Well, I'm glad you feel the same way I do, because frankly, it would be very

hard to work for someone who didn't.

Yeah, but I've always thought of you as kind of conservative and preppy.

Preppy?

Me?

No, no, I just came in from a wedding.

Okay, let me get this straight.

You are pro -ERA.

Dina, you say E -R -A.

I say Y -E -S.

Would you care for a cup of tea?

I'd love one.

Listen, just sit yourself down.

You're going to love this tea. It was grown, picked, and brewed entirely by

women.

You know, Alice, everything we talk about does not have to involve women.

I do have other interests.

I don't.

Well, but I'm...

I'm willing to learn.

You know, this is really fun.

Working with you isn't nearly as dull as I thought it would be.

Oh, thank you.

I think.

Yeah, and it's really surprising.

Why? What is?

Well, all these years in school, I've never had the least bit of interest in

you. That doesn't seem possible.

Why?

Oh, little things, I guess.

Like the Young Republicans Club.

That.

Oh, Dina, Dina, Dina, Dina, Dina.

I am something of a dabbler. I'm the seeker of new experiences.

I'm like a young sapling whose roots are young and thirsty.

Yeah, see, this is what I thought it would be like.

You know, Dina, it's good that we can laugh in these troubled times.

When women are so ruthlessly oppressed by this sexist society.

Oh, hi.

Like some tea?

No, thank you.

Nice apron, son.

Well, thanks, Dad. I hope you don't mind me boring you.

I, uh... I got quiche on mine.

When you're done, hang it next to my jello molds.

And from there, the relationship really took off in Florida.

With only one small problem, Alex. It was a relationship built entirely on

Sure, if you want to get technical.

Tell me, Alex, how long have you been a supporter of women's rights?

Virtually since birth.

Alex, leave them alone. They're just playing.

Dad, I will not be ridiculed in my own home by puppets.

That's what's wrong with you feminists. You have no sense of humor.

Mom, I am not a feminist. I am simply posing as a feminist out of respect for

the girl I care about.

Yeah, I hope she appreciates it.

Why is everybody picking on me?

But last night, I defended a woman's right to speak. Now, is that bad?

Of course not. We're very proud of you for that. And I spent a night in jail

a cause I don't even believe in.

Does that make me a bad person? Alex, that's not what we're talking about.

You're misleading, Dina. You have a relationship based on lies.

Dad, that's not true. We're past the lies. We're into the good stuff now.

Look, do you think I'm happy doing this? I'm not.

You know, it started out as a few innocent little lies.

I wouldn't even call them lies.

They were lie -eth.

And it just snowballed. I mean, what can I do now?

Dina believes very deeply in this cause, Alex. Your attitude towards it is

really insulting to her.

If you care at all about Dina, you should tell her the truth now.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.