Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Dad, can I have the keys to the car, please? I have to go to the mall and get

Andy some new clothes.

Oh, now, wait a minute. Alex just took Andy shopping yesterday. He's got a

wardrobe full of clothes.

Mom, what if he wants to wear something casual?

Oh, Mallory, please.

Children's clothes are incredibly expensive. We shop for him, then Alex

him. Shopping's over.

Andy, where'd you get that outfit?

Alex said this is what all the kids are wearing.

This is his most casual outfit, by the way.

Everything else can only be worn at a coronation.

Look, Dad, we're not going to spend any more money, okay? We're just going to

return what Alex bought and just get him some normal kids' clothes. That's all.

All right, all right. But be back within an hour. We're starting dinner.

Yeah, okay.

Don't forget the seatbelt. Yeah, don't worry.

Whoa, hey, you see you got your rough -and -tumble outfit on, huh? Want to

a little ball?

Yeah, baseball.

Don't you be afraid to slide in that gear. That's what it's for.

Alex, there's a message here for you. Professor Rhodes' call will be coming by

sometime today with the final data.

Whoa, this is incredible. Do you realize what this means?

Well, it's just a wild guess, but I'd say it means that Professor Rhodes will

coming by sometime today with the final data.

Nice try, dear.

That's not right?

Well, it's just the tip of the iceberg. Look, if Professor Rhodes says he's

coming by today with the final data, it means he's made a breakthrough on our

research project.

My name is going to be on a paper with Dr. Lloyd Rhodes, my idol, my mentor,

father of Rhodesian economics.

I wonder if his name should go first.

Congratulations, honey. I know how hard you work on this paper. Boy, Mom, do you

know this could put me in line for the Wilson Award for Outstanding Achievement

in Student Research?

It's the first jewel in the Triple Crown.

Followed by the McKinley Award for grade point average and the Adams for

neatness and appearance.

I got it, I got it. Hey, hey.

Professor Rhodes, come on in. Welcome. Thank you. I'd like to meet my parents.

Well, Professor.

Very nice to meet you. Hi. Alex has told us a lot about you. You have quite a

remarkable young man here.

Yeah, and Alex has told us that, too.

I really shouldn't tell you this, Alex, but...

I think your contribution to this paper is going to get you the Wilson Award for

Outstanding Research Achievement.

The Wilson Award, sir, thought never entered my mind.

As emcee at awards night, you're liable to be presenting it to yourself.

Ooh, I like that, I like that. That way no one else's fingerprints will get on

it.

Well, Alex, here it is.

The final data.

Do you realize what I'm holding here?

Well, I've been burned on this one before.

But I'm going to take a wild guess and say the final data.

Nice try, Mr. Keefe.

But it's much more than that. It's the culmination of my life's work.

It's the logical conclusion of 45 years devoted to the field of economics.

And my name's going to be on it.

And my name is going first.

I gotta tell you, Professor Rhodes, this is a stunning piece of work.

The concept of diminishing marginal returns must be reassessed in light of

elasticity of consumer demand.

Given variable interest rates in the post -Keynesian era.

I'm sorry, it is so damn beautiful.

Well, Alex, you're certainly the most...

passionate economics assistant I've ever had.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

It's just that economics is my life, and it's just so thrilling for me to be

able to work with you.

Spend time with you.

Let's keep the hugging to a minimum, Alex. Although I can understand your

enthusiasm. I mean, you have a real talent.

You know, you could be one of the great economists of your generation.

Please don't hug me.

Oh, Professor Rutherford, I'd like to meet my sisters. This is Jennifer, this

Mallory, and this is... Who is this?

What happened to you?

That isn't...

I do not want a three -year -old brother who looks like Mad Max.

I do not want a three -year -old brother who looks like Winston Churchill.

Mr. Ross, back me up on this. I kind of like what he's wearing.

Where does a person like me get an outfit like that?

At the hip toddler.

Why don't you guys be on your way, huh?

Well... Good luck with your economic homework.

Now, this is hardly economics homework. This will be a landmark economic

treatise. An econometric analysis of the households in temporal allocation under

additive preferences.

Now I'm interested.

Actually, it's much more interesting than it sounds. You see, underneath all

that jargon, there's a basic concept that might relate to you much more

than you imagine.

Professor Rob, you have no idea who you're dealing with here.

Let me explain. Here, sit down.

Look, say that you went to the store to buy a particular skirt and there was a

blouse in that store that would only go with the skirt.

This is scary.

Now say that the price of the skirt rose dramatically and you couldn't afford it

anymore. Would you still want to buy the blouse?

Why would I want a blouse if I had nothing to go with it?

Exactly. Now you understand the concept of cross -elasticity of demand.

What happened to the skirt?

That was just an example. What color was the skirt?

It doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter?

Excuse me, sir. With all due respect, don't know the first thing about

economics.

Don't feel bad, Professor Rhodes. You were taking economics where no man has

gone before.

Listen, I have to run.

You've got all of the raw data here, Alex. All you have to do is to put it

the proper subheadings, and by gosh, our paper is ready to go.

It'll be a pleasure and an honor, sir. Hug understood.

Hi, honey.

I can't believe the outfits they bought.

A little boy should not be sleeping in sequined pajamas.

He looks like Liberace's son.

Those intentions were good.

Wish I could say the same thing for their tape.

What do they expect, shopping at a store called the Hip Toddler?

Well, it's better than where Alex took him, the Corporate Toddler.

This is all right.

I can't believe you're still working on that same project.

What is it, Alex?

This is crazy.

These figures don't add up. These don't support Professor Roth's hypothesis.

Is it possible you miscalculated?

Mom, I've gone over these things a hundred different ways. It's not going

work.

Do you realize what this means?

I'm not falling for that a third time.

It means I'm going to have to tell Professor Rhodes that three years of

are down the drain.

That all this work was in vain.

It means I'm going to have to break his heart.

Come in.

Professor Rhodes?

Alex. How's the final checking going?

Well, that's... That's what I wanted to talk to you about, sir. It's done.

Well, talk to me. Don't hold back. How did it come out?

Have any other hobbies besides economics?

No, not at all.

You know, a nice stamp collection can really cheer a guy up.

I could try it sometime, but in the meanwhile, nothing is more important to

than economics and specifically this paper of ours.

They have stamps with horsies on them and duckies.

There's an Elvis one.

Alex, is there something wrong with our paper?

Sir, I'm sorry. I tabulated these figures.

They don't support our hypothesis.

The entire foundation of our theory, our whole premise, everything we worked for

is invalid.

Stamp collection, you say?

You can bounce back from this.

I mean, think of all the famous people who failed before they went on to glory.

Think of the Wright brothers, sir.

Do you know how many running jumps they took before they realized they needed to

be in a vehicle to fly?

This is quite a blow.

I was hoping this paper would boost my career.

Sir, your career doesn't need any boosting.

You're one of the most popular professors on this campus. You ask

economics department.

Thanks, Alex. But unfortunately, times have changed.

It's not enough to be a popular good teacher anymore.

Universities are looking for successful researchers.

Publishing is the key.

It's publish or perish.

Well, it's not more important than teaching.

If you don't mind, I'd like to be alone.

Just me and my invalid hypothesis.

I understand.

I'm only sorry that I brought your hopes up about the Wilson Award.

Oh, come on. We care about the Wilson Award.

I'm only concerned about you, your position in the department.

Still completely out of the running, huh?

I think so.

Thanks for everything. Thanks. Thank you.

I'll see you in class.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Dean Hill, it's Lloyd Rhodes.

Great news. My paper is completed, and I think it's a breakthrough.

Oh, yeah, it'll be ready for presentation at the awards ceremonies.

Oh, yes, it's definitely publishable.

Yeah.

Thanks. I'll be talking to you.

Okay, how does this sound? It's my opening remarks for tonight's awards

My fellow economist, due to a grave error, tonight's Wilson Award will not

going to Alex B. Keaton.

I suggest everyone go home immediately.

This came for you, honey.

Yeah, the program for tonight's awards banquet.

What should have been the biggest night of Professor Rhodes' career.

I don't even want to look at it.

I may just catch the flu for this one.

Listen to the topics.

Labor unions in Burma.

Third world monetary spiral.

An economic analysis of the household and temporal... Wait a minute, I know

one. This is the one about the skirt and the blouse.

The one about the skirt and the blouse?

Well, there's a skirt in the window. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a

minute. Let me see that.

I don't believe this.

It says in here that our paper is scheduled to be presented tonight.

Well, I thought you said that paper was invalid.

He is invalid.

His figures have all been changed. Do you realize what this means?

Let's just assume I don't.

It means that either this is a big mistake or Professor Rhodes...

Gotta be a mistake.

Well, ask him what store that skirt was in.

Come in.

You busy, sir?

No. I was just reviewing Professor Marshall's latest book, Post -Industrial

Macroeconomics in Asia.

Have you seen the program for tonight's dinner? Oh, yeah.

I thought they did a lovely job. I was particularly taken by the new typeface.

You know, it says in there that we're going to be presenting our paper

I was going to call the printers, tell them they made a mistake.

Alex, it's not a mistake.

But there's absolutely no support for our theory.

Our paper is completely invalid.

The numbers are all fabricated. I admit it needs a little work.

Wait a minute.

So you can't go through with this.

It's wrong. You know, it's morally and ethically wrong.

Alex, you know, I am under more pressure than you can possibly imagine.

If I don't publish this paper, the university is going to squeeze me out.

Well, don't you know your students look up to you?

Not just for your knowledge of economics and your ability to teach it, but for

the way you make us believe that honesty and integrity are an economist's most

valuable tools. Alex, grow up, will you?

Don't you understand that teaching has become a business like any other?

Publication brings prestige. It attracts endowments. It attracts money.

No one is more interested in attracting money than me.

I spent my whole life trying to attract money.

I'm going to name my kids after money.

But I know that this is wrong.

Alex.

You're a young man with a young man's ideals, and that's exactly as it should

be. I am an old man who is being pushed out by a young breed of teacher who

would rather sit behind a word processor than stand in front of a class.

I am a dinosaur.

And you know what happened to them.

They didn't publish any papers, and they became extinct.

What am I supposed to do?

Am I supposed to blindly go along with what you're doing, even though I know

that this paper is a deliberate, calculated fraud?

You have the power to stop me.

We both know that.

I hope you won't.

I hope you'll look the other way.

And believe me, before long, this will all be forgotten.

Not by me.

Surely the International Monetary Fund cannot refinance this debt without

guarantees from the World Bank and established creditors.

This is incredibly boring. All these dull, pompous economists.

It's like being in a room full of Alex's.

I wish I'd been smart like Mallory and faked the flu.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, this is the greatest.

Better than last year. Some of my favorite economists are here. Any chance

autographs?

Sure, I know. It's exciting.

All these economists all dressed up.

Talk of interest rates everywhere.

You look a little more derm -shaped like the Treasury Department.

A magical night.

I know, I know. For some reason, I can't seem to get in the spirit of it.

For one thing, I have to present somebody else with the Wilson Award.

which I should obviously be presenting to myself.

And then there's this problem with Professor Rhodes. I mean, my idol, my

a man I've patterned my whole life after, is going to go up there and

the audience.

And I have to introduce him. What am I supposed to say? Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome my hero, a really big liar, Dr.

Lloyd Rhodes.

You start off with a joke.

She's starting to wind up. I better get up there.

And thus, the industrial nations must establish the viability of IMF loans to

developing third world nations.

Thank you.

Each year, the Leland Economics Department honors the most outstanding

researcher with the Theodore F. Wilson Award.

Besides this...

handsome commemorative plaque.

This year's winner will receive a semester's scholarship to study at the

School of Economics.

The winner of this year's Theodore F. Wilson Award is... What do you know

that, Alex Keaton? Thank you very much. Thank you. The winner of this year's

Wilson Award is Eve Kimball. Oh, that's an E.

Eve Kimball.

I would just like to thank Professor Marshall for letting me do research with

her.

Okay, that's time, Evie.

Thank you very much.

But, Alex, nobody else had a time limit.

You're right. I'm sorry, Eve. We're just running a little behind.

Which brings me to our final presentation of the night.

A paper to be presented by Dr. Lloyd Rhodes.

A man that I've worked very closely with and have gotten to know very well.

You know, I had a hard time tonight trying to think of what to say about Dr.

Rhodes.

that would shed some light on who he is and what he stands for.

But I know this.

When I think about what's most important to me here at Leland, most of the time

I think of him.

And I know I share that feeling with every student who's ever had the

and the pleasure of sitting in his classroom.

I admire this man tremendously.

And I know when I leave Leland, I'm going to leave with a confidence in

and a love for economics that he taught me.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dr.

Lloyd Rhodes.

Thank you, Alex.

That was a teacher's dream come true.

You know, when I first started teaching at Leland, things were a lot less

complicated. We didn't have all these award ceremonies and publishing

We taught because we loved kids and we wanted to see them grow.

Now it's different.

College isn't for students anymore. It's for the professors.

I got caught up in the competition myself.

I came here intending to present a paper tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, a paper that is a complete fraud.

I was going to go through with it because I felt I had to to keep my job,

prove my worth to the administration.

But in the final analysis, that's not important.

I am a teacher.

And at a college, there's nothing more important than that.

Someone reminded me of that tonight.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I don't have a paper to present tonight.

But what I do have is infinitely more important.

I have, I hope, the esteem, the respect, the

admiration of my students. And for a teacher, there's nothing more important

than that. Thank you.

Well, Alex, at that, no award for you and no research

presentation for me.

Tough night, huh?

I was just proud to be your student tonight.

Thanks, Alex. I'm proud of you.

I know. Hug understood.

Hug required.

Let's strike a nice natural pose. Oh, just a minute.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.