Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do?

Who's that?

You. Who am I?

My mommy.

And who's that pretty girl?

Jennifer. Who's Jennifer?

My sister.

That's right.

Who's that?

Alex. Who is Alex?

Alex is king.

There you go, Andy.

Alex, that is disgraceful. What you must have gone through just to get him to

say that.

Well,

why can't you just accept it?

That happens to be Andrew's personal assessment of me.

May change, but for now.

Alex is king.

Valerie, where have you been? I expected you here an hour ago. I didn't expect

to be late. I had a conference with one of my professors.

You have actual professors at Grant College?

I thought they just had those instructional records.

I can't believe how much work there is at college.

I've got three papers due next week, two tests, and a multimedia presentation to

give. I'm never going to get through all this.

Well, you didn't forget you said you'd babysit for Andrew tonight, did you? No,

I didn't forget. Nick's going to be over in a few minutes.

Great. Now you have two people to babysit.

Alex, I've told you a hundred times when you take a phone message for me, write

down who called, when they called, and what it was about.

I did.

Look, somebody dumb called.

Sometime today, about something trivial.

Alex, this could be any one of my friends, and you know it.

Mallory, it was your turn to do the laundry today, and I did it for you last

week, too. I can't do all of your chores for you. I've got a life, too.

You know, people don't seem to understand the pressure I'm under. I'm

old now. I'm going to college. I've got tests and courses I've never even heard

of. I've got all these new responsibilities.

I'm not the high school Mallory anymore, and college Mallory doesn't have time

for all these chores.

I think I like the high school Mallory better than the college Mallory.

I think the whole line should be discontinued.

Mallory, take it easy. Now, we know you're going through a difficult period

here, but everyone is going to have to make some adjustments. All I'm saying is

that I'm working very hard now. I'm trying.

And if people, and you know who you are, just get up. my case for every little

nitpicky thing everything will be just fine well mallory is it absolutely

necessary for you to use my razor and my shaving cream fine great don't want me

to shave my legs that's great i'll just completely stop shaving i'll be an ape

will that make you happy i don't think i could be happier than this

i get home from a hard day and all i get is grief you're all

Except for Andrew. Andrew loves me, but he's the only one.

Yeah, but his skull hasn't completely hardened yet.

What has gotten into you, Mallory?

Me? Oh, nothing's gotten into me.

I'm just tired of being picked on, that's all. I mean, no matter what I do,

there's somebody around the corner ready to criticize me.

Nobody picks on Jennifer.

Oh, no.

Nobody picks on Alex. I mean, why? I just want to know why.

Is Andy asleep yet?

Just about.

You know, I think he's been spending too much time with Alex.

Why? He's sleeping in a suit and tie.

That's why it's good that you're around, Nick. You're a role model for him.

I like kids. You know, they're so childish.

You know, this is the first time I've been alone in the house for over a

You want me to go?

No, I want you to stay.

I mean, I wish it could be just you and me all the time.

Me too.

It's so nice when you and I are alone, Nick.

And I feel so comfortable with you.

You don't ask me to do my homework or do the laundry.

I don't even have to think when I'm around you.

I know.

Isn't it great?

Wouldn't it be great if this was just our place?

We could decorate it the way we want to.

Pink curtains on the windows and your sculptures by the fireplace.

My fashion magazine's arranged in a fan on the coffee table.

And, uh, yeah, a can of motor oil on the mantle. Place just so.

You know what I'm starting to think?

The motor oil go better on the table.

No.

I'm starting to think...

We should get married.

Boy, was I way off.

I'm serious, Nick. What do you think? Let's get married.

Wait just a minute here. You want to marry me?

I wouldn't ask you if I didn't mean it.

This is great.

I never dreamt it would happen this way. I mean, usually the guy asks. Am I

right?

Nick, this makes perfect sense.

We'll have... wrong place and there'll be nobody telling us what to do. We

wouldn't have to do laundry for weeks if we don't want to.

In that case, I accept.

Our life together would be so perfect.

I mean, I'll have none of these petty problems I have around the house now.

It'll be like a dream.

Valerie, I love you.

I love you, too.

All right.

Break it up, break it up, will you?

Hire a primate coming through.

Should we tell him?

Tell him what?

You know.

Oh, about getting married.

Yeah.

What?

I'm sorry.

What did you say?

It's all right, Alex.

Nick and I are going to get married.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No,

you two can't get married.

You can't even feed yourselves.

Hey, uh, little brother -in -law.

It's a delight to join this family.

No, Nick, this family is quite full.

Try the handleman next door.

You know, you're the first to know, Alex.

I mean it. I mean it. Come on.

You two alone?

Who's going to take care of you?

Who's going to pay the rent?

Who's going to work the appliances?

Alex, you're not thinking. I'm going to get married. I'm going to move out of

this house.

I'm torn.

I admit it. I'm torn.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

That's not what's going to happen.

You two are going to get married.

And you're both going to live in this house.

Don't worry, Mallory. You're not going to do this to me.

Why does everything I do somehow have to involve you?

Because I am the center of your universe.

Not anymore.

Alex, I'm getting out.

What's that noise?

Andrew, Andrew, you're not going to believe this.

Mallory and Nick are getting married.

Hey.

That you propose to me.

Marry me.

Marry me.

Mallory.

Do you know this one?

If you marry my sister, my father's gonna kill you.

All right, okay, come on. Look, this has got to stop.

You got to read... You got to read this article.

What am I talking about? Let me read it to you.

80 % of all marriages between a man and a woman under the age of 21 end in

divorce.

So, uh, we got a 50 -50 chance, right?

Alex, this is none of your business. We should never have even told... you.

Yeah, well, you did tell me, so it is my business. Now, I'm coming back with

more statistics.

Do not get married until I return.

Oh, Nick, that's them. We have to tell them. Okay, calm down. Let me handle it.

You know, there is nothing to worry about. Your parents and I have come a

way. I'll ask for their permission to marry you. It is my place to do it.

Well, if you're nervous about it, I'll do it. No, no, no, no. I gotta do it. I

mean, you asked me to marry you. Let me ask them for permission.

Hi, folks.

Hey. Hey.

Mr.

Keaton, Miss Keaton, there's something I'd like to tell you, if you have a

moment, that is. There is something I'd like to ask you, if you have a moment,

that is.

Do you have a moment, dear?

Yes, I do, dear.

We do, Nick.

What is it?

Well, sir and ma 'am, what I'd like to tell you is that...

Mallory and I would like to get M -Malcon.

Mallory and you would like to get M -Malcon?

I don't see why not.

Let me ask you this. What language are you speaking?

Uh, Mr. Keith.

Mr. Keith.

Mallory and I would like to get married.

My wife and I are going to step out of this room.

And then we're going to step back in.

And you are going to tell us something else.

Elise?

Mom,

Dad, Nick and I would like to get married.

And who's this, Andy?

Maddie, my sister.

And who's this?

Nick. And who's Nick?

My brother -in -law.

I don't see why you're so upset about it, Mom.

They're young. They're in love.

The whole world's against them. It's so romantic.

Jennifer, this is not West Side Story.

This is your sister about to make the biggest mistake of her life.

Andy and I think it's very romantic.

And it completely devastated your father.

Nobody knows my

sorrow.

That's out of control.

Has Mallory been down?

No. She's been up in her room all day looking at china patterns.

She wants us to set a date for the wedding.

Here comes the bride.

Oh, yes, the bride.

We have to talk to her, Elise. We have to make her understand.

Stephen, what else can we say? We've been over this a hundred times. The fact

she has her heart set on marrying Nick. And the more we protest, the more

determined she is to do it.

Was I? I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of it.

Mom, Dad, I want you to meet Greg Curran.

Greg is a fraternity brother of mine. This is my mother, Elise Keaton. My

father's Stephen Keaton. Greg, good to meet you. Nice to meet you. Greg is here

for dinner, and if all goes well, to marry Mallory.

What are we having, Elise? Something Greg likes, I hope.

You never said... anything about marriage, Alex. You just asked me to

your sister.

Oh, well, that's all you're going to do today, Frank.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow is a big day for you.

Picking out the ring, caterer, tuxedo.

Alex, this is no solution.

Don't stifle the boy's creativity, at least.

Mallory, I brought you something. I mean, I want you to...

you meet someone.

Mallory Keaton, Greg Kern.

Hello.

Well,

you two are really hitting it off.

Let's leave these two lovebirds alone.

Alex is the lowest you've ever sunk.

Oh, come on, Mallory. Look, you don't know what you're passing up here. Take a

look at this guy.

Handsome, well -dressed.

He is genetically incapable of making less than $50 ,000 a year.

Mallory, you don't take him. I will.

You don't understand.

I don't want to meet anyone else. I've already met the man of my dreams.

It's Nick. I love him.

Greg, listen, sorry this didn't work out.

I'm sorry you can't stay for dinner.

Can I get something to go?

Greg's gone.

Stephen, what are we going to do?

The least, the least. We'll try to be reasonable as always, but failing that,

have no choice. We've got to ground her.

Keep her from seeing Nick. Ground her as she's never been ground before.

Ground her deep, ground her wide, and ground her long.

I agree. If we have to, we'll ground her.

Swing long.

Well, Nick, we asked you to come have tea and crumpets with us to make sure

understand our position.

With all due respect, I know that she is not completely in support of our

getting married.

Well, you misunderstand our position, Nick. We've mulled this idea over, and

really hate it.

Nick, um, I didn't know you were coming over.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Their parents invited me. They wanted to have a little talk.

Oh, no.

Now, don't jump to any conclusions, Mallory. We just wanted to give Nick an

opportunity to explain why he's doing this terrible thing to our family.

More tea, Nick?

How could you do this?

Nick, would you mind leaving? I want to talk to my parents alone.

Okay. Mr. Keaton?

Mr. Keaton?

Hey.

I cannot believe you did that behind my back. This was supposed to be the

happiest time of my life, but you're ruining it.

We aren't meaning to, honey. We just know that you're not ready to get

I am as ready as I can be, and you know it. You're just saying that because it's

Nick. Admit it, you can't stand Nick.

Okay, I can't stand Nick.

But you could be marrying Saint Nick, and I'd say the same thing. You're not

ready. It's just so unrealistic, Mallory.

You two can't begin to support each other. Have you thought about that?

No, I can work and Nick can too.

What about college?

It doesn't matter now. Nick is what matters.

We both want to get married and we're going to do it. It's going to work out.

We can live on love.

Tote that box, lift that veil.

Mallory, you know how much we love you.

Listen to us. The chances of this not working out are so great.

Give yourself some time. You're so young. You've got so much ahead of you.

So young?

Now, how old were the two of you when you got married?

I forget.

You were 19, both of you, where you got married, and look how it worked out for

you. It hasn't worked out that great.

Right, Elise?

Right. It's a mess.

And we can't let you make the same terrible mistake we did.

Nick and I are going to get married, and there's nothing you can do to stop us.

I guess it's in your head, young lady. You're not marrying Nick or anyone else,

not until we're ready.

No.

Well, until you can start thinking clearly.

You're grounded.

That's right.

You're grounded.

want to get married?

Oh, no.

No. I'm an adult. I'm legal. And you can't ground a marriage. What are you

to do? Ground Nick, too?

We're looking into that.

Can I talk to you a minute, Stephen?

You surely may.

She's right, Stephen. We can't ground someone her age. But we've always

grounded. We're used to it. It's worked so well for us.

We can't.

But how can we keep her? If they take that away from us, what have we got

An adult.

relationship based on respect and love.

A caring alliance of equals.

Grounding's better.

My parents will never let me get

married. They tried to ground me. Can you believe that? I'm so angry I could

scream.

Go ahead, scream.

No, everybody else screams in this building. It'll just blend right in.

No, it won't help. I'm just so... You want to hit the heavy bag?

No. No, really, I mean it. Come on, just give it a try, huh? It works for me.

All right, all right, here, watch.

Don't tell me I ain't got no right to look in your garbage can.

Because I do.

Huh?

Hey, come on, come here, just... Just get it out. See what's on your mind and

wail into it with all you got.

Come on.

I want my parents to understand I'm 18 and I got them right.

All right, that's it. Now you're talking, all right? Come on.

with a right like that, they ain't gonna tell you.

I want my own apartment.

I want my own furniture.

I want my own life.

You definitely know what you want.

I want to elope, Nick.

Okay. I know there's Justice of the Peace in New Jersey. My cousin uses them

lot.

I want to get married, Nick. I want to get married tomorrow.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.