Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years And I bet we'll be

together for a million more Oh, it's like I started breathing

on the night we kissed And I can't remember what I ever

did before What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do?

Hey,

honey. Oh, you're up early.

I want to get a head start on making breakfast.

Well, what is all this?

Pancakes, bacon, eggs?

And freshly squeezed orange juice.

I am very impressed. That's hard to do without a juicer. It's even harder to do

without oranges.

That's the occasion.

You know, I got up this morning and I realized how incredible it is. Alec is a

junior at Leland.

Mallory is a freshman at Grant College.

Jennifer's in junior high.

And Andy starts preschool today.

It made me think about how much we've all been through together.

How much I love this family.

How much I love you and how unbelievably expensive this year is going to be.

Maybe we should cancel this breakfast?

Ah, let's live dangerously.

These people are going to go through midlife crisis.

Alex, Jennifer, sit down.

I hope you're hungry because we've got... pancakes. We've got eggs. We've

bacon. Looks great. Put the junior class in heaven and welcome back breakfast.

How about you, Jen? What's it going to be?

Eggs? Pancakes?

I ate already, Dad. I've been up for three hours.

I see.

Mallory, how about some pancakes?

Please, Dad.

If I even look at food today, I'm going to be sick.

This worked out nicely.

Jennifer, Andy's ready for you. He just needs his hair brushed.

Isn't that cute? It's his first day of preschool.

Mallory, are you sure you don't want some breakfast?

No, Dad, it's my first day of college. I'm very nervous.

Well, you got nothing to worry about.

I mean, it's not like you're going to a real college.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on. How can you get nervous about going to a college that advertises

Hot Rod magazine?

That's not true, Alex. Oh, come on, Mal. I saw the ad.

Grant College introductory offer.

Buy one semester, get the rest free.

Then there's that radio spot. At Grant College, we have a modern library, fully

qualified professors, and thick, juicy steak cooked just the way you like them.

Alex, Grant College is a very fine school. It's very hard to get in.

Hello, fellow Grant College freshmen.

Looks like it's even harder to stay out.

Skip, how about some breakfast on your first day at Grand College? No, no, no.

Thank you, Mr. Keaton. No, I'm saving my appetite for those thick, juicy steaks.

Hi.

Is this Tygo, Alex?

Is this Tygo? You.

Look like a million bucks.

That's free.

Is it too late to take Andy to the woods and have him raised by wolves?

Come on, Dad. You know how long I had to wait to have a little brother?

When I had the old door?

Just excited, that's all.

Come on, Andy. Do you want to wave goodbye to your sister on her first day

college? It's not a real college.

Where's Andy?

He's upstairs taking a nap. I wanted to find out how his first day of preschool

was. I called there three times.

Every time I called, they said it was nap time.

Well, he's upstairs taking another nap now.

I've got to talk to this kid. He's sleeping his life away.

Hi. How was your first day of college?

It was so exciting. It's so different from high school. Taking this amazing

philosophy course.

We talked about life and death, the nature of reality and existence, the

and non -being.

I mean, this could change the whole way I dress.

How was your first day, Jim?

Not quite as good.

Due to a computer error, I spent the whole day at the registrar trying to

that I'm not a laboratory rat.

Were you successful?

I have to go back tomorrow with my birth certificate.

No, Jennifer. I think philosophy may be my true calling.

There's just so many interesting questions.

Today, the professor asked, what proof do I have that I really exist?

Show him your phone, Bill.

Laugh if you want, Alice, but I started my first paper.

I shop, therefore I am.

It's only a first draft, too.

Well, let's go to the mall and do some research on the paper.

That's a good idea, Jen. You're going to do really well in college.

Oh, hey.

Is Andy asleep yet?

He's out like a light, honey. He's had a very full day.

I'm a little sleepy myself.

I've got a big day on campus tomorrow.

I have to run through a maze and ring a bell to get a piece of Swiss cheese.

You crazy college kids.

So, Andy liked preschool.

That's great. Tell me all about it. Well, he was a little nervous at first.

Yeah, well, that's all right. I mean, that speaks for itself. But after a

of minutes, he started to enjoy himself.

What were his favorite subjects? Finger painting?

Block?

Supply chain economics?

I think he said his part he liked best was sharing time.

Sharing time?

What's that?

One of the objectives of the school is to teach kids that sharing is fun, so

everything is shared equally. All the toys in the room belong to the group,

they're considered communal property.

What is this, the Karl Marx preschool?

She just keeps to support each other, to feel good about themselves.

They even have this method of encouraging the children who are a

They give them patches to wear that say, I know how to say goodbye, or I know

how to nap, or I know how to speak in sentences.

Sounds like an insane asylum.

Preschool is supposed to prepare Andy for real life.

In a couple of years, he's going to be out there in the dog -eat -dog world of

kindergarten.

He's got to be ready. He's got to build his character, sharpen his mental

skills, improve his physical endurance.

So basically, you're suggesting a military preschool.

I just don't want to see Andy on the street 20 years from now with a patch

says, I know how to say goodbye.

Okay, Andy.

Here's your lunchbox.

Now, these are your coloring books and your crayons. Remember, how do we feel

about sharing?

Okay, now you just wear this,

and I don't think we'll have any problems.

Good morning, Andy.

Good morning, Mr. Kluger.

Good morning, Mr. Kluger. I'm...

Alex Keaton, Andy's brother?

I'm Mrs. Kluger, the director.

Oh, listen, Andy, I gotta run to class now, but remember, tonight we're gonna

out, we're gonna get ice cream, and I'm gonna take you and show you how the

automated teller machines work.

Okay? Remember, we love you.

Alex loves me.

You know it.

So, uh...

How's he doing?

Oh, he's a terrific child. He's very sensitive and very thoughtful of the

children. Well, I can't help that. It's my parents' influence.

You know, Andrew talks about you all the time, Alex.

Really? Yeah. He mentions your name so often, you'd think someone was paying

to talk about you.

Mrs. Kluger, do you mind if I take a little look around here?

Oh, no, feel free. We encourage visitors. We're completely open and free

There's nothing to brag about.

So this is the library. Yeah, and we try to fill it with colorful, interesting

books. We've got, uh, Oh, Charlie Goes to School, A Snowy Day, The Curious Cow.

Yeah, we've got that one at home.

Mallory's reading it.

My sister.

You've also got a sister in preschool.

No, Mallory couldn't get into preschool.

So she's going to grad college.

Hi, Mrs. Kruger.

Hi, Michael.

What does your patch say?

I know how to say goodbye to my daddy.

Very good, sweetie.

Isn't that wonderful, Alex?

What's so wonderful about that?

I don't want to say goodbye to my daddy. You don't see me wearing a patch.

Well, we try to encourage Michael. He's very shy.

This gives him a sense of accomplishment.

Well, I'm all for creating a sense of accomplishment, Mrs. Kluger. I just

question your message.

Oh, well, what do you suggest?

Well, have you thought about dividing the children into different playgroups?

Giving them IQ tests?

Well, Alex, we're trying to foster a non -competitive environment.

Oh, come on, Mrs.

Kluger.

Join us in the real world here.

Do you see people out there who are non -competitive?

People sharing?

People taking naps on mats?

Stephen and Melissa Keaton are your parents?

Oh, Mrs. Kluger, I gotta go. I'm just gonna think about Andy and I'll be on my

way. Sure. He's over there playing house.

No, no, that's impossible. Andy doesn't play house.

Well, of course he does. See him diapering that doll?

He's diapering a doll?

Andy, what are you doing?

Diapering a doll.

Where's your wife?

Out working.

We're out of here.

That's good.

Today was the first day... I really felt like a real college student.

Of course, today was the first day I wasn't getting shocked for running

the traffic in our maid.

Could we do mine? I'm trying to do some work here.

Sorry, Mal. It's a great feeling to be human again.

Wait a minute. You just gave me a great idea.

I did? My next assignment in philosophy is to pick someone and try to prove they

exist. I mean, I could do that on you.

Wow, what a challenge.

If I could prove you exist, I'd definitely get an A.

And you'd be able to settle a bet I have with my grandfather.

Oh, oh, Mallory, do you have to work here? We could really use this space.

Oh, no, no, no, you can't stop us now, Alex. See, Mallory is going to prove

I exist.

That could get a little messy.

Why don't you do that in the kitchen, huh?

All right, all right.

Okay, a couple of questions to give you. First of all, what would you say

distinguishes you from an inanimate object?

My allergies?

Alex, this is crazy. Don't you think Mom and Dad are going to find out that Andy

isn't in preschool?

Yeah, well, I can't worry about that now. The important thing is to deprogram

Andy.

Before anything you learned in preschool, think then.

What do you want me to do first?

Okay, we're going to play house.

I'm going to be the father, you're going to be the mother. We're going to show

Andy how a normal family functions.

Are you watching, Andy?

Yes, sir.

Honey, I'm home.

Hi there, dear.

What did you do today while I was out working hard to support you?

I had an affair with the milkman.

That's very funny, dear.

Does that mean you didn't make any dinner for your husband even though I

slaving away at the office?

At least you get paid.

Cost work is just as tough as your job, and I don't get a dime. I want a

divorce. All right, then.

If you can't play nicely, let's not play at all, okay?

That's all right, Andy. We don't need her.

Hey, Alex. Hey, there's my guy. Hi.

Hey,

what's this patch?

Ah, that's nothing.

I know how to itemize deductions.

Boy, they're really moving ahead quickly there.

Mom, Dad, sit down.

Something very bad is going to happen now.

Just hear me out before you say anything, okay?

This is worse than we thought.

Andy withdrew from preschool today.

What? And I want to tell you something. I admire him for it.

Okay, all right, all right. And he didn't withdraw.

I withdrew him. But that preschool wasn't for him. He was picking up a lot

bad habits there. Alex, the Harper Preschool is one of the best in the

It's a humanistic approach to child care based on affection, mutual

understanding, and respect.

Granted, you have no regard for these things, but other members of our species

cling blindly to them.

I'm going to call Mrs. Kruger. There's no way she could have taken any of this

seriously. All right.

Look, I'm sorry things turned out the way they did.

But you have to understand one thing.

I only did what I did because I thought it was best for Andy.

I love that kid.

I'd never do anything to hurt him.

All right, Alex, but you have to understand one thing.

We're his parents, and this is our decision.

You're right.

Hey, you're right.

Wait a minute. You got Mallory.

You got Jennifer. You got carte blanche on them.

Do whatever you want. I'll even throw in Skippy if you want, but Andrew...

Andrew's mine.

Well, if he throws in Skippy... Good

morning, Andrew.

Good morning, Alec. Good morning, Mrs. Kluger.

It's nice to see you back at school, Andy. I think Mrs. Calvin's waiting for

you. Go ahead, Andy. Be strong.

Mrs. Kluger, I'm sorry about what happened yesterday.

I was way out of line, and I shouldn't have told you how to run your school.

I get a little emotional when it comes to Andy.

Well, would you like to stay and watch him play for a while?

Actually, I can't. I gotta go.

Thanks anyway. All right. Have a nice day.

Okay. This morning, we're really going to have fun.

Let's pretend that we're going to run a little business.

Business?

Now, what should we sell?

Turtles.

Turtles.

Turtle market's been depressed since 81.

Now, if we're going to have a turtle store...

We have to decide how much to sell the turtles for.

Now, what do you think, everybody?

For free.

Oh, well, that is very nice of you, Rhonda. We won't charge anything for the

turtles. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

At that rate, you're going to be out of business by nap time.

Would you excuse me, please?

Now, what's the first thing we need for our store?

Turtles. Turtles. That's exactly right, Andy.

Once we have turtles, I guess we're ready to open up. No, come on. Look,

are a million decisions to be made here. First of all, what kind of turtles are

you going to sell?

Myself, I'd suggest dividing the stock up in the following manner.

70 % disposable turtles.

Disposable turtles?

Yeah, you know, the kind that die as soon as you bring them home.

And then the other 30%, I'd have those big sea turtles for soups.

But you need a store manager to make these decisions. Now, who wants to be a

store manager?

Oh, I see Andrew Keaton has his hand up. I like a boy with initiative.

I got an idea. We need co -managers.

Hey, Michael, why don't you and Andy both manage the store?

Good. Great. Okay, now, we need an advertising campaign.

Rhonda, you ever do any modeling?

Let's take the business line.

Okay, we're gonna need a picture, a photograph of you and a turtle, and a

saying, uh, what? What? Uh, welcome to our grand opening.

Come out of your shelf there.

Right? Okay, we're gonna need a sign.

Uh, who wants to paint a sign?

Excuse me, but I work here. Fabulous. Get some paint, will you?

Some red, white, and blue decorations.

Okay, now, we're going to need a business manager to help us avoid paying

What's taxes?

A tax is a terrible, hairy, liberal monster

with big teeth.

And the only thing, the only thing that can stop the terrible tax monster

is a Republican.

Wants to be a Republican.

What's all this?

Oh, it's very simple, Elise. If the back -to -school breakfast didn't work, we'd

just switch gears and try the back -to -school dinner.

But the kids have been back to school for over a week now.

So they've had time to work up an appetite.

See you later.

Okay. Hey, where are you going?

I'm having dinner at Chrissy's house. They said I could go last week.

This is a school... night, Jennifer. Shouldn't you be staying home and

I finished studying. And anyway, I got a 98 on my first test.

I would have got a hundred except that I put Mandalay down as the capital of

Burma instead of Rangoon.

And you expect us to just overlook that?

Hi. Hey, Mal.

Mallory, it's not your fault. You did everything you could. Nah, thanks,

And don't worry, you'll get over it. What happened?

Well, I got an F on my philosophy paper.

I couldn't prove that Skippy existed.

Maybe I'll just go back to the lab and the other rats.

At least I was accepted there.

Bye -bye.

Well, I hope you're hungry, Mel. We're planning a big dinner.

Um, I can't, Dad. Nick and I are going to an art exhibit. It starts in half an

hour. I'll see you later.

Well, here we are again, Elise.

You, me, and huge amounts of food.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, Alex.

Andy.

Hey, how are your classes?

I don't know.

Didn't make it. I spent the whole day at preschool with Andy.

Why? Was there a problem?

He's still enrolled, isn't he?

Yeah, he's still enrolled. As a matter of fact, he got his report card today.

Doesn't get along with other children.

Has a tendency to try to run every activity his own way.

Wait a minute, that's mine.

Here's Andy's right here.

Oh, well, yeah. Andy is a delightful boy who's very popular with the other

children. It's a pleasure having him in the class.

Wonderful, Andy.

Maybe I wasn't completely in the right on this whole preschool thing.

I mean, sure, they do some things differently than I would.

But on the whole, there's a whole lot of love and affection there.

With the proper supervision and the right guest speakers, those kids could

a lot.

Guest speakers?

I'm going to be lecturing there once a week.

By the way, you're planning on eating here tonight, aren't you?

Oh, Dad, listen, Andy and I are going to have dinner alone tonight, kind of a

brother's evening. That's all right, isn't it?

You're fine.

Fine. I'll just put this in the back -to -school freezer.

I'll eat it.

You're going to eat 15 hamburgers, lasagna, and a rack of lamb, Elise?

Well, not all at one sitting.

Hey, Andy.

Sorry I ruined your first week of preschool.

It's just that you're my only brother.

I get a little crazy when it comes to you. Because I know that you...

are destined for greatness same way that jennifer is destined for greatness the

way i'm destined for greatness and uh mallory's destined to be cared for by

state but you can go at your own pace okay i'm not gonna push you too hard

if you ever need any advice come to me you ever need anything come to your big

brother all right don't ask me to beat up anybody for you once you get past

I close me.

You bet he does.

Let's go get some burgers, huh?

Oh, Andy.

You drive.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.