Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we hid.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing. We can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha la la la.

I can't believe it. still working on our budget?

Please, I'm telling you, we have to take some drastic action around here.

There's been a lot of freewheeling, extravagant spending by every member of

family that's got to stop.

Well, honey, I've talked to the kids about it. I know everybody's making an

effort.

Did we really need this?

I'm sorry, Stephen. I saw it in the window. I just had to have it.

What is this? I found it in the shower.

That's generic brand shampoo.

What happened to my regular shampoo?

We won't be using that kind anymore. We're trying to cut back and eliminate

these kinds of needless expenses.

No, no, no.

Dad, you don't understand. My hair is used to herbal shampoo.

There's no turning back now.

Listen, you mind if I use the kitchen now? I got someone coming over to study

with me. Oh, sure. Here, let me move some of this stuff out of your way.

Whoa, that's a nice adding machine, Dad.

Better rush that down to the business museum.

Who's coming over?

Oh, it's just someone to, you know, study with me.

Who?

Um... Tudor.

It's a tutor, all right? He's a tutor. And the reason that I need him is

my average in advanced non -Euclidean geometry has slipped to an 89.

I've got to get that back up to a 90.

I'm surprised, Alex. I mean, you've never needed a tutor before.

Yeah, well, I've never had this kind of math before.

It's abstract. It's inexact. It's philosophical.

It's everything I hate.

Did you find a good tutor?

No, no, I haven't met him yet, but Professor Jenkins recommended him. His

is Eugene Forbes, and he's the top mathematics scholar at Leland.

Oh, that's funny to snack on. It's the milk in the fridge, and I got some new

cookies.

These look like pretty fancy cookies.

Stephen.

Don't let him eat too many.

Eugene Forbes is a graduate student in mathematics.

He's a genius.

You don't give cookies to a genius.

Hello, I'm Eugene Forbes.

And if you're Alex Keaton, I believe I'm your tutor.

Can I ask you one question? I'm 13 and a half.

Cookie?

Okay, so then, angle DCA must therefore be congruent to angle theta.

How's that?

I'm afraid not. Alex, you're still clinging to Euclidean geometry. I know,

I cling. I do that.

Higher geometry is a different animal.

You have to be willing to embrace the abstract. Let go of rational thought.

I don't want to let go of rational thought. I have to like rational

My sister Mallory let go of rational thought.

And she never got it back.

Alex, pull yourself together.

Now.

Erase your boobo.

I know how to erase, Eugene. I was a national merit scholar.

I definitely sense some hostility emanating from you.

Perhaps you'd be happier with someone older.

Someone not as smart.

Wait a minute, Eugene. Wait, wait. Stay. I'm sorry, okay? I need you. Professor

Jenkins told me you're the only one who can help me understand this stuff.

Well, don't think it's easy for me either, Alex. I've had to deal with the

pressure of being a genius my whole life.

Me too.

I was doing long division in nursery school.

Same here.

And I should have my doctorate by the time I'm 17.

I could have done that.

If I hadn't gone to camp that summer.

I never went to camp.

Except for math camp.

So what do you do when you're not in school?

I give lectures, run symposiums, you know.

Well, that doesn't leave time for much else. I mean, what about Little League?

Model airplanes?

Girls?

I don't get to meet many girls my age in college.

The truth is that I don't get to meet any.

I'm lonely, Alex.

In fact,

For all of my astounding intelligence and academic achievement, I treated all

right this minute for a date.

Just one date.

Yeah, I guess it must be difficult for you. You know, a companion, a confidant,

a friend.

I know what you mean.

A chick in hot pants.

Sorry,

Alex. A momentary lapse.

Well, enough of that.

Let's get back to work. All right.

Hey.

Hi.

Oh, yeah.

Jennifer, this is Eugene. Eugene, Jennifer.

Enchanted, my dear.

Yeah. Great.

Jennifer, may I be brutally frank?

You've just touched my soul.

Yuck.

I have two absolutely superlative seats to Madame Butterfly on Sunday. It's my

favorite opera.

Would you be so gracious as to accompany me?

Is he putting me on?

Afraid not.

No thanks, okay?

Eugene.

Eugene, do you mind? I'm paying you by the hour.

What is time?

I just met the mother of my children.

You and Eugene finished studying already?

We're not studying, Dad. We haven't studied for a week.

That's a problem.

Eugene, he's lost.

He's convinced that he's in love with Jennifer, and I can't get him to

concentrate on anything else. You know, if this keeps up, there goes the point.

The point?

The point! The point I need for my A.

I mean, it's going right out the window because Mr.

Geometry in here has turned into a Jennifer Craig lunatic.

Well, at least he's found a compassionate friend in you, Ellis.

Oh, wait a minute.

87 cents for safety pins. What's next, a Learjet?

Eugene, look, please.

Let's go back in there and study, okay? The hour's almost up. We haven't

accomplished anything.

I can't help it, Alex. I'm not myself.

I'm obsessed with her.

Yeah, well, you gotta snap out of it.

Oh, Jennifer, I got you something.

What is it?

An x -ray of my brain.

Hey, that's a nice word.

It's my good side.

This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. I want you to have it.

No, thanks.

Jennifer, will you reconsider going out with me?

Eugene, it's nothing personal, but no.

Very well.

Sorry, Alice, we can't go on.

I won't charge you for this session.

I hope you're happy. He's a broken man.

Alex, it's not my fault.

Well, can't you at least humor him one day?

No, Alex.

Come on.

Look, he gave you this nice x -ray.

You know, for all you know, you can end up liking Eugene.

He's a very nice guy. Won't you see what's inside?

I already know what's inside.

Until you go out with him, he's not going to be able to think of anything

including my A.

You know, I could actually get a B in math.

Could you honestly live with that on your conscience?

I'm willing to try.

All right. All right. Okay, Jennifer.

All right.

I've tried to appeal to your sense of compassion.

I have no other option.

$10. $20. $12. $17. $14 .50. $15 .75.

$15 .25. $15 .50. Done.

Jennifer, I remember when I could buy you for ten bucks.

Hi, Owen. Hi.

Boy, you look great in that outfit.

Hey, you wouldn't say where we were going or what we were doing. You just

wear something.

So I did.

All right, all right. I'll give you the rundown.

We're double dating with Jennifer and this graduate student named Eugene who's

13 years old and my math tutor, and he's in love with Jennifer, but she hates

him, so I bribed her to do this so I could get my A.

Okay, I'm ready.

Oh, hi, Ellen. Hi.

Alex, something very strange is going on, and we're kind of wondering about

Oh, what's that, Mom?

Well, it's this date that Jennifer's going on with Eugene. She never liked

before. Do you have any idea what's turned her around?

Gee, no idea. Sorry, I wish you could have helped.

We were sure you would know, since her going out on the date probably helps you

out quite a bit.

Don't know, Mom.

Maybe Ellen knows. You know, hon?

No, how would I know? Darn, who knows?

Maybe she's attracted to him.

No. Maybe she thinks she can learn from them. I don't think so, no.

Darn, I wish I knew. You sure you don't know, Ellen? No.

All right, I bribed her, okay?

Good evening.

Hey, Eugene.

Uh, Eugene, this is Ellen Reed. Ellen, Eugene.

Hello. And you know my mom and dad.

See you again.

Hi, Eugene.

What do you think?

Jennifer, you look beautiful.

Honey, you really do.

Your vision.

Jennifer, a deal is a deal.

Well, we better get going.

Who are you off to?

Well, there's going to be a little shindig down at the faculty club. Some

teaching assistants are throwing a party for Professor Jenkins. It's the 20th

anniversary of his tenure.

Oh, Jen, that sounds great.

This is incredible.

All of the massive intellects of the Leland faculty are gathered together in

same room. The combined brain power in this room is staggering.

Maybe we should get some x -rays of these guys.

Ten for...

You behave yourself. This date has to go well.

Need I remind you that that check is post -dated?

Well, shall we mingle? Yeah, yeah. Listen, mingle me over to Professor

Well, Eugene, I'm so glad you could make it. Thank you, Walter. And I'd like to

present to you Jennifer Keaton, the woman in my life. Oh, enchanted, my

And I believe you know her brother, Alex.

Yes, yes, yes. We've met many times.

Nice to see you again.

Who'd you say he was?

Alex Keaton.

Yeah, I sit in the front row of your advanced geometry class.

Oh, yes.

The point.

If you'll excuse us, Walter, I'd like to show off my better half.

Go to it, my boy. Go to it.

So, I'm... Excuse me.

Eugene, I am not your better half, and I am not the woman in your life, so

please introduce me in a normal way.

Certainly.

Oh, Ronald, Eunice.

This is, uh, Jennifer, the old ball and chain.

So, uh, Eugene, have you read Testrick's paper on the meaning of man's existence

in the universe?

Ah, yes.

That's Eddie's stuff.

Don't you agree, dumpling?

Oh, I don't know, muffin head.

The last book I read was Nancy Drew, Mountain Nurse.

Mountain Nurse. Isn't she priceless?

Such a fresh sense of humor.

Jennifer, you're acting like a child.

Eugene, I am a child.

You're embarrassing me in front of my peers. Eugene, listen, I'm sorry. I'm

doing the best I can. This is my first time.

Hello, Master Keaton.

How are you and Eugene getting along?

Well, I'd say we're as close as two sides of an esopheles triangle.

He just meant that, you know, the triangle with the two equal

that he and Eugene were.

What did you mean?

I just meant we're getting along fine. Oh, good. I hope it works out. Well,

thank you very much, Walter.

Professor Walter.

Professor Jenkins.

Sir, you're a geometric scientist.

Jennifer, Eugene, are you enjoying yourselves?

Oh, it's fabulous, Walter. A splendid affair.

Yeah, I think it's really neat. Oh.

What's he mean?

It's fabulous, Walter. A splendid affair.

No, I don't mean that. Why do you keep correcting everything I say?

Because you're embarrassing me with this infantile behavior.

Eugene, listen, I'm just trying to make conversation. That's a poor excuse for

conversation. It's neat.

I haven't heard that since I was teaching high school.

Eugene, take it easy. No, I won't take it easy. This evening is very important

to me, and she's acting so immature. It just makes me mad.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Eugene, listen. No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to hear it.

Eugene. I can't hear you.

These three graphs show the relationship between what this family is earning and

what it's spending.

These are lovely, Stephen.

Give away with graphs.

Well, thank you, dear. You have a way with words.

Stephen, can we get home with us, please? The stores close at nine.

and I'd like to do some shopping.

Your dad has put a lot of time and effort into these graphs. The least we

is hear him out.

Get on with it, Steve.

What's there to get on with? These graphs speak for themselves. Just look

them. But wait a minute. I think there's a problem here.

What's that?

Well, according to the line graph, we're $200 behind each month.

Mm -hmm.

But according to the pie graph, we would break even each month.

Oh, that's true.

According to... the bar graph, we are $300 ahead each month.

What's your point, Elaine?

Which one's right?

Well, wait a minute, Mom.

I think in this situation, there is no right or wrong.

I think it's up to each individual to decide what is right.

And personally, I think we're ahead.

I'm going to go shop.

Don't worry, honey.

If we go broke, we go broke.

The important thing is, hey, this has kept you busy for three weeks.

Forget it, Jennifer. I'm not paying. No way.

Why not, Alex? I did my part. What happened wasn't my fault.

The date didn't go well.

Eugene had a temper tantrum.

Oh, Dad, it was a nightmare.

Sorry you missed it.

Eugene, please, come in. Sit down and make yourself comfortable.

I'm afraid I can't do that. I'm terribly upset.

Nothing went right tonight.

I saw that x -ray you gave to Jennifer. Very becoming.

Yes.

Do you have any wallet size?

I don't mean to be rude, but is Jennifer here? I need to speak with her.

Of course, we'll get her. Steve it now.

Hey, Eugene.

You all right?

No, I'm not all right.

I'm embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed.

But that's it, right?

I mean, it's nothing serious.

I just hate to think that what happened tonight may have affected your brain in

any way.

It hasn't.

Maybe we'd get another x -ray.

Okay, Alex.

So you'll still be able to tutor me to help me get my A. Alex, forget about

A. Eugene is obviously upset.

He needs a friend right now.

All right, you're right, you're right. I shouldn't be thinking about my grades.

Eugene, everything's going to be all right.

You're a swell kid.

Now, quick, in hyperbolic space, the upper base angles of any quadrilateral

are... Look here, it's my boy!

He's still got it.

All right, now, don't sweat this Jennifer thing, okay? She's too young

anyway. Uh, see you tomorrow, same time?

You were quite a humanitarian, Alan.

Eugene, I just want you to know that...

What?

You care about his feelings. That I care about your feelings.

I mean that.

So you just get some sleep.

I'm drained.

You liked it?

Well, that's the first time I've seen you act like a kid for once.

Eugene, you may be smart, but you're not a grown -up.

You know, underneath that brain, you're a really nice boy.

Thank you for looking.

And I think that you are an extremely stunning and vivacious... I

think you're really neat, too.

Do you want to get a soda?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that'll be fun.

Hey, hey, what's going on?

Jennifer and I are going to go get a soda.

Well, I think that's great.

I mean, I'm glad you two hit it off. You go out, you have a wonderful time.

Eugene, quick, Gottlieb's theorem.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.