Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we did.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Oh, oh, I'm telling you, Dad, from this angle, here's the spitting image.

I completely disagree, Alex. Dad, will you come over to this side and take a

look? Alex, that's enough.

He does not look like Richard Nixon.

Maybe someday.

He is a sweet -looking baby. I can't wait to take some pictures with this new

camera. I don't know, Dad. I mean, not so good with cameras.

Alex, this talking camera is the easiest camera in the world. Tells you what to

do every step of the way. It is foolproof.

Load film now.

Load film now.

Uh, you want me to help you, Dad? Alex, you're supposed to be helping me with my

homework. It's important.

Baby pictures are important, too.

You know, my child psychology professor says that without enough attention from

the family, your baby can grow up self -centered, maladjusted, even of

intelligence.

My light bulb's out in my bedroom. What are we going to do now?

Sometimes all three.

Oh, good. We're all here for the pictures.

Mom, will you please help me with my homework?

Maybe later, honey. Your dad has this new camera. He's anxious to use it. And

it's all set and ready to go.

Okay. First, we'll need...

Mother and baby, then big sister and baby, then mother, big sister and baby

the sofa, and then the sofa by the bassinet, maybe by the window with the

Time out, time out. Look, there are five regular people here, one baby. Now, the

possible permutations of pictures with the baby are 178.

With each piece of furniture, the number's going to go into the millions.

Well, then we better get going.

So let's start with mother and baby.

Oh, that's perfect.

I know it's wrong. You press this and that and that.

Film exposed.

Why, you... Whoa, Dad! Whoa! Break it up! Come on, break it up!

Look, Dad.

We'll talk to it, okay? We'll make it understand.

It lied to me, Alex.

Will you three be quiet, please? I'm trying to do my homework.

Okay, come on. Let's get the group shot now.

Mother holding baby. Come on, everybody. Take your places.

Jennifer, you're blocking the baby.

Well, this is what I always done for family pictures.

Where do you want him to stand now?

Well, just move over to one side or the other. It doesn't matter as long as that

little guy's in the middle.

Come on, Ted. Come on. Over here.

Let's go. Let's get this one. Okay.

Here we go. Smile.

Thank you for making breakfast this morning, Mallory. Andy kept me up most

the night. Yeah, I heard.

I'm sorry. Did he wake you up, too? A little bit, but I don't mind.

Out of all your sons, he's the one I'd rather hear babble.

Good morning, everybody.

It's time for an empirical demonstration of sensory influences on infants.

See what I mean?

What are you doing with that stuff, Alex? Well, Mom, I just want to make

that Andrew has all the proper influences.

The earlier he gets started, the better athlete he's going to be.

Yo, Andy, listen up. This big guy is a football.

This is what America is all about.

Teamwork, competition, shaving points, bone -crushing tackles, playing in pain,

spitting blood.

Enough baby talk, Alan.

Where's Dad?

He promised to take me to Christie's today.

He'll be back in a few minutes. He went to get the baby pictures developed.

Dad promised to take me.

He'll be back in a minute. I don't want to wait a minute. I want him now.

I'm tired of waiting.

He promised to take me. He promised.

Take it easy, honey. He will be here.

There he is. You get the pictures, Dad. Yeah, but I had to wait 15 minutes for

the store to open. I've had it. I'm turning this kitchen into a dark room.

Let me see. Let me see.

Whoa.

Who's that, huh? Who's that, huh?

No, they have to steady, remember?

Are you ready to go?

I don't think so. I was so anxious to get the pictures, I forgot to get

I'll be down in a minute, huh?

Yeah, I gotta get dressed, too.

Oh, this is great.

Oh, I should put him in the album. We don't want to get fingerprints on him.

you look after Andy for a minute, honey? Yeah, sure, Mom.

Give me a chance to quiz him on the suicide blitz.

Alex, will you help me with my math? I have a test today.

Come on, big guy. Listen, I'll show you.

Alex, will you stop talking to the baby for two seconds? Okay, okay.

Ray, look what the baby did to my homework. He spilled milk all over it.

going.

Mommy, Daddy, the baby spilled milk. Jennifer, it's not the baby's fault.

See, that's why I'm glad you're a guy.

And we don't get upset over little things like spilled milk.

I'm going in to get Andrew.

Stephen, that'll be the fifth time you've picked him up since midnight.

Elise, he's crying.

Honey, we've been through this before. If you pick Andrew up every time he

cries, he's never going to stop crying.

Does that mean when he's 30, he'll still cry in his crib?

Not if we bring him up right.

Elise, how can you be so cruel?

Four minutes is a big chunk of his life, Liz.

We are not going to spoil this baby, Steven.

Come on, let's go back to bed.

Boy,

has this kid got lungs.

He's still crying, honey.

I thought you didn't want to spoil him. I don't, but I can't bear to hear him

cry.

Stop crying.

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

leap, not try and escape.

We should try singing. We should try anything. I've got to get... What are we

going to sing?

Something for a baby.

Hey, do you know Let's Get Crazy by Prince?

It was our wedding song. Come on, I'm not singing.

We can work it out.

I know we can.

Now, what has stopped him from crying so far?

Well, we went in there to sing. He stopped crying.

Go in there to sing. Stop crying.

When I brought him out here before he stopped crying.

Bring him out here.

Stop crying. Okay, I've got it.

What do you want to do?

Wow,

what do you think?

Nice try, Dad.

What's going on out here?

Andrew's having trouble sleeping.

Yeah, well, so am I. And I have to get up early to finish the homework that he

ruined. Honey, we're doing the best we can.

I have to get to sleep.

But Andrew's just a baby. He's not keeping you up on purpose.

Oh, I'm not so sure.

Bring it over here.

Yes, I figured.

Elise.

Elise?

Please.

French toast?

Vive la France!

No, Elise. Not a French toast.

French toast. You might as well... You

might as well eat it. I can't reach it.

Oh, come on, honey, honey, honey. Maybe you should take a sip of this coffee.

Mallory made it. I think it'll perk you up.

What?

I eat five times the regular amount of beans.

Where's Jennifer?

I saw her upstairs before. She looked pretty upset.

She thinks we've forgotten about her. Oh, that's ridiculous. We haven't

forgotten about her.

As soon as, uh...

Jennifer. Jennifer, it's down here. We're going to have a talk with her.

Well, if you ask me, I think she's showing all the classic symptoms of

regression syndrome.

You know, in order to compete with Andy, she's acting much younger than she

really is.

Did Alex regress when I was born?

Well, let's see. He was two.

Oh, yeah. For a couple of weeks, he refused to tie his own tie.

I wonder if I'll regress at all now that Andrew's born.

You're at ground zero now, Mallory.

If you regress anymore, you're going to disappear.

Well, we have a problem, and we're going to have to deal with it. Look, face the

facts, Mom. When one has a baby late in life, there's a tendency to become

obsessed with said infant.

Oh, come on. I don't think we're obsessed with said infant.

What do you think, Stephen?

Morning, everyone.

Oh, hi, Jenny.

Hi, how are you feeling?

Fine, fine.

Jennifer, let's discuss what happened last night.

What happened last night?

When you got mad and yelled at the baby.

Oh, that.

I was just tired, that's all.

I'll see you guys later. I'm going to go eat breakfast over at Christy's house.

Very interesting.

It's a fascinating subject, isn't it?

She's not a subject.

She's your sister.

Look, I'm just trying to keep a detached professionalism about this.

Mr. Keaton?

Hate to admit it, but maybe Alex has a point.

I mean, she didn't even peek at Andrew when she came in here.

All right, well, when she comes home today, then we'll just sit her down and

have a talk.

Well, I don't know, Elise. This whole thing could blow over. We could do more

harm than good by having a whole big discussion about it. Absolutely. All

required here is a gesture of love.

Slip her a hundred bucks.

You can't show love by giving someone money.

Give her leg warmers.

Maybe we should pay more attention to her. Make her feel more special.

Hey, hey, remember how she felt when we threw that big birthday party?

Maybe we could do something like that and make her feel good again.

All right, we can.

Let's give her a special night tonight.

She can plan the whole evening. We'll have whatever she wants for dinner.

play games. It'll be fun for all of us. Keep a hundred bucks handy, though.

Mom,

this cake is great.

Thank you, honey. I know you always like triple -layer chocolate chip cake with

double -fudge frosting.

You know, I feel kind of funny about everybody making such a fuss over me

tonight.

Want us to stop?

Nope, I'm loving it.

It's our pleasure.

Is there anything special you want to do after dessert?

Let's play charades.

I've got one. All right, let's go. Come on.

Happy moving.

Three words. Excuse me, Jennifer.

Hello. Oh, hi, Mom!

Well, no, he really can't come to the phone right now. He's sleeping.

You know, I love those gurgling noises he makes, but he's not making them now.

He always falls for this.

Okay, Mom, we'll talk to you later.

Can you believe that?

Grandma wanted to hear little Andrew's gurgly sounds on the phone.

I can't blame her. He's such a great gurgler. Oh, he sure is.

I was... Oh,

Jennifer, you were acting on a movie, right?

Right. Yeah, come on. Come on, let's go.

Yeah,

right.

Where's the baby powder?

Next to the cotton balls.

It's not there.

I'll be right back.

You ought to go up there, Mom. I mean, we could play charades some other night.

No way.

Mallory and your father are perfectly capable of handling this situation.

They'll be right back.

Go ahead, Jen. Go ahead with your charade.

All right.

I got it. I got it.

The McNeil -Lehrer report.

He's okay. I think he just wanted some company. Yeah.

Jennifer, we're ready.

Yeah. Yeah, a movie? Three words, right? Right, and it's not the McNeil -Lehrer

report.

It's the second one.

Have I ever seen this movie?

Okay. Okay.

So we know it's a cartoon.

Bouncing moose.

Whoa, did you hear that? It sounded like a laugh.

Come on, Mallory, that's impossible.

He can't laugh. He's laughing. Look at this.

It's his first movie. It's a laugh.

A laugh? No. Really?

You think he can get into a laugh again?

Hey, come on.

He's smiling.

That's his first real smile.

I have to find a place where there are no babies.

I've already heard the baby laugh. Thanks anyway.

Fine if we come in.

If you want.

What are you doing?

Trying to find a new place to live.

The best I've come up with so far.

New Jersey and Iceland.

What's it going to be?

I'm leaning towards Jersey.

About tonight, Jim.

We're sorry.

We wanted you to have a special night.

It didn't work out that way.

Of course it didn't.

The baby started smiling.

Then laughing.

Next he'll be sitting up. Then crawling.

And he'll be eating solid foods and not spitting it up?

How could I compete with that?

It's not a competition, Jennifer.

Honey, we know it was probably a mistake to have a Jennifer night. It was phony.

It was artificial.

I don't know what happened. I mean, I was really looking forward to the baby

before I came.

Then when he got here, I felt...

In the way.

In the way?

Now look, honey.

This is your home.

We're your family.

We'll never be in the way.

Do you still love me?

Honey, come on. Of course.

We just don't realize that we have to remind you how we feel about you.

Maybe just once in a while.

Thanks for coming up here and telling me all this stuff. Oh, forget it.

That's what parents are for.

To tell kids stuff.

Hiya. Hi, Jen.

Hey, sorry about your night getting spoiled, Jennifer.

Yeah, I was really looking forward to playing charades.

But you hate charades.

I came up here to be nice. Give me a break, Jen.

Can you guys excuse us? I think, uh, Jen, Andrew, and I have some things to

about. Oh, sure.

Uh, Andrew, listen, you're gonna hear a lot of girl talk, so, uh, just nod a lot

like it makes sense.

You know, Jen, when you were first born, I was jealous of you.

You were?

Sure.

You know, I got tired of hearing about how cute you were and how much fun you

were to play with.

How'd you get over it?

Well, pretty soon I realized that you were cute and that you were fun to play

with.

That's true, I am.

And then I realized that Mom and Dad have enough love for all of us.

You're a great big sister, Mallory.

That's such a hard job.

You're going to be a great big sister, too.

Maybe you ought to give him to me for a while.

You guys look great together.

Andrew, can we talk?

This is a great time of your life.

You're lucky.

And you should enjoy it now because when you grow up, That's around seven.

Things change.

You go from helpless and cuddly to a low person on the totem pole.

You'll be expected to do the dishes, take out the garbage, wash my bike.

Yesterday when I said I hated you, I didn't mean it.

I'm sorry I said that.

You're my brother.

I love you.

Oh, Andrew, you're laughing. A real laugh.

Oh, my gosh.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.