Original subtitles

Last week on Family Ties, the whole family was down at WKS, helping Stephen

the final night of Pledge Week.

WKS, you're the one.

Oh, no way. No, don't touch a thing. Don't do anything until I get there.

I've got to go home. We've got major plumbing problems.

Oh, Stephen, I don't want you to miss my song.

Oh, don't worry. I'll only be gone for a little bit. There's plenty of time

before you go on.

Gus, I'll be back in a few minutes.

I guess I'll rehearse.

Okay, Elise, you're on after the magician.

Well, I don't want to sing if Stephen's not here. Well, clap really loud, no

matter how bad you sing.

Hey, your wife's on television.

Wow,

she really nailed it that time.

You're not going into labor.

Labor?

Stephen, if you're watching, take me at the hospital.

Elise, I'll be there in 15 minutes.

Be there in 10 minutes?

Ten minutes and I'll get your suitcase.

Don't forget my suitcase.

Stop nagging. I'm coming.

I

bet

we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million years.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we did.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without a shot of love?

I thought I'd anticipated every possible situation, prepared for every

contingency, but I never expected my wife would go into labor on television.

Well, that's the one most people overlook.

Oh, Mr. Keaton.

Oh, boy.

Were you watching TV just now? Yes, Kippy. I saw the whole thing. Was it not

amazing? A mid -court shot at the buzzer.

Kippy, what are you talking about?

The basketball game.

What are you talking about? Mrs. Keaton just went into labor.

Oh.

Imagine that.

We were talking about two completely different things.

Mrs. Keaton's going into labor.

Wait a minute.

That means she's going to have the baby.

Who are you?

I'm the plumber.

Shouldn't you be a doctor?

I'm not here to deliver a baby. I'm here to fix the plumbing.

You're doing a nice job.

So, uh, tell me, where's Mrs. Keaton?

Mrs. Keaton just went into labor down at the TV station.

That's where Mr. Keaton is going now.

It's really snowing outside.

Why don't you just stay home here with us and watch it on TV?

All right.

I think I have everything.

Chapstick, towels, lollipops, a fan, two tennis balls, and a

bottle of champagne.

Where are you going, Club Med?

Bud, you do whatever you need to do to fix this plumbing.

basketball game?

I don't know, when it's overtime.

So what do you want to do? You want to watch the basketball game, or do you

to watch Mrs. Keaton give him birth?

We'll flip back and forth.

The damn car's stuck in the snow.

Skippy, bud, you mind giving me a hand pushing it out?

Oh, sure, yeah.

Uh -oh.

What?

You don't have tire chains in that Lamaze bag of yours. You're not going

anywhere.

You want me to check?

What do you mean, bud?

I didn't know it was snowing that hard out. You'll never get your car out of

there. No, this is terrible.

All right, Mr. Geaton, we'll take my bike.

No, we'll take my truck.

I got chains on, and besides, I never get stuck.

Come on, kid, you better come with us in case we get stuck.

All right, just stay calm, okay? The important thing here is that you stay

I can, uh, handle everything.

Well, I can't handle everything. But if you stay calm, we're okay.

Alex, why don't you stay calm?

Okay, fair enough. That's a start.

I think we should stop standing around and get Mom to the hospital. Hospital.

Hospital, good. Uh, Jen, uh, let's get the coat.

Does it hurt, Mom?

No, no, it's not bad. Just a little twinge now and then.

Yeah, it's funny. I could have sworn this wouldn't be until next month.

Um, is there anything I can do to help?

Yeah, start thinking of names. We don't have one.

Um, how about Early Keaton?

How are you feeling, Elise?

Well, I'll tell you, Gus, I don't think I'm going to finish my song.

Oh, boy, boy, boy. Those pledges have been pouring in like crazy. I mean, that

audience really got excited when you went into labor.

Man, we should do this every year.

Oh, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. Listen, Lisa's gone into labor. Now, she can't

finish her song. You've got to go back on, okay?

This is my big chance. My big break. Oh, thank you, Mrs. Keaton. Thank you.

All right, let's go. I'll drive.

Are you ready? I couldn't be readier.

All right, let's go.

love new babies, because they're the only people who haven't heard my joke.

Hey, uh, any new babies in the audience, huh?

Raise your rattles.

Hey, how many of you babies are from out of town, huh?

Hey, that was fast. Was it a boy or a girl?

Well, we can't leave. The guard said the roads are impassable.

We're, uh, gonna have to try again a little while, Mom. I'm afraid not.

Things are happening a lot faster than I thought.

I'm not going anywhere.

Oh, Mom, will you just control yourself?

I'm doing the best I can.

Oh, well, I guess. What are we going to do? I'm not sure, but just don't panic,

okay? All right, okay, don't panic.

Don't panic, don't panic. Is there a doctor in the house?

Anywhere? That's a good question. Is there a doctor here?

Because if there is, I've got this thing. No, Jack, I mean, just no.

Please, is there a doctor in the house? Maybe I can help you. I'm Dr.

Witt. What? Witt.

Wow.

Right here.

You're the one who's pregnant, right?

Yeah. Are you a obstetrician? A botanist.

A botanist? Yeah, plants.

Hubert Witt, Ph .D.

You mean you're not a real doctor?

I resent that.

Ah, look, no offense. It's just that we need somebody to help us deliver a baby.

Well, I mean, but how different can it be? You know, a bee carries pollen from

flower to flower, a man, a woman. I know.

Well, you try to help people.

Dr. Witt, ladies and gentlemen, the plant doctor.

Mom, what are we going to do?

Mom, couldn't you and Dad have planned this little event for the summer?

Maybe next time.

Next time?

have no choice.

I think we're going to have to have the baby here.

And we'll be back with that baby in just a few minutes.

Uh, excuse me. My name is Erwin Handelman.

We're having a baby.

He's carrying low.

Not me, him.

Hi, I'm Stephen Keaton.

I'm his neighbor. And I'm his plumber.

That's everyone we need.

Let's get you three into delivery.

My wife is the one that's having the baby. She's already here. Her name is

Keaton. One moment.

That's with a K.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Keaton, but your wife isn't registered in this hospital.

That's impossible.

She's in labor, and this is our hospital.

She's probably in delivery right now. They probably took her right in there.

Keaton, I'm sorry, sir, but no Elise Keaton has been admitted.

Thanks for your help, Don. They should all go as well as that one did.

Dr. Alexander?

Hi, Stephen Keaton.

How is she? Oh, hi, Stephen. Oh, she's fine.

Just fine.

And the baby?

The seven -pound girl.

Congratulations, Mr. Keaton.

Can I see her now?

I didn't know you knew the Dorfmans.

The Dorfmans?

Not Elise?

No.

Is Elise here?

She was down at the station. I was at home checking on the plumbing, and I saw

her go into labor on television.

We better get down there. I'll go get my things.

She could be on her way over here.

I better call, see what's going on.

Nice hospital, kid. Were you born here?

Me? Oh, I don't know. I was adopted, so I wasn't at my birth.

Not now, Skippy. I'm trying to call my wife.

Steven, if you're watching, I couldn't make it to the hospital.

I'm still here at the station.

Don't go to the hospital.

But I'm already at the hospital.

Come right to the station, Steven.

Are you out there?

That was Elise Keaton, ladies and gentlemen.

Elise and me were at this very moment.

Now tell me, when was the last time you saw something like that on commercial

television?

Let's keep those pledges coming in.

Stephen, if you can hear me, I'm at the station. Don't go to the hospital.

Now, that number is 555 -6131.

Try that number. Tell her I'm on my way. Doc, Bud, Skippy, come on. Those

phones are just ringing off their hooks. Thank you for your generosity.

And if that line is busy, please...

Mom, now just relax.

It's dark in here.

Oh, no. The power's out, Mom. What are we going to do?

It's back on.

What a break.

Okay, Mom.

Just take it easy. Just relax. We'll handle everything.

You just got to tell us one thing.

What? Tell us what to do.

Well, for now, all we can do is keep track of the contractions, see how far

apart they are, and that'll let us know how soon the baby's going to come.

I got it, Mom.

I bet these are the first contractions ever to be timed on a Duran Duran watch.

Same as any other watch, Mallory.

See, when the big Duran's on the nine, and the little Duran... Here you are,

Elise. I brought you some ice water. Oh, thank you, Gus.

Oh, Elise, thanks to you, we've set an all -time record for pledges. Over $70

,000. You know, Robert Matheson says he'll pledge $1 ,000 if you'll have a

What do you think of that?

I'll do my best. Oh, thank you. But I've got to get back.

Mom, how can you be so calm?

But you are about to have a baby in a non -medical, non -professional, non

-profit environment.

Well, it could be worse, honey.

I'm in a familiar setting.

I'm surrounded by my family.

Sure, my husband's not here, but I've got a picture of him.

Contraction.

Mallory, Jennifer, how far apart are they? About three feet.

No!

I meant the contractions.

They're about ten minutes apart, Mom. Oh, ten minutes.

Ten minutes. Mom, do you know what this means?

What does this mean?

Alex, listen, please.

I'm depending on you. I need you, all right?

All right.

Jennifer, Mallory, Fine guts. Tell them we need some blanket sheets, towels, and

hot water. Oh, and they do a medical show, right? On stage two? They got a

gurney down there. Find some guys in the crew and bring it up here, okay?

Okay. Hey, you could use this to tie Mom's contractions.

So when the big Duran's on the eight and the little Duran's on the seven...

Jennifer?

I'll use my own watch, okay?

It's got numbers.

Okay, Mom.

I'm gonna stay here with you.

No, that's more like it. I'm calm.

We're organized.

I feel better already.

Change your mind yet?

Need an expert?

I think I'm well within my rights not to be examined by a botanist.

Young lady, the reproductive processes can be remarkably similar in totally

different species.

When were you last watered?

Thanks very much for your concern, and we appreciate it, but we really don't

think there's anything you can do to help. Okay, okay, I'm leaving. Good

Mrs. Keaton.

Try to keep her near the window. Make sure she gets plenty of sunlight.

Hello? Oh, honey, thank goodness you called. Where are you? I need you.

You are?

Well, I'll do my best. They're ten minutes apart.

Give me a wheel.

Okay, sweetheart, I love you.

Okay, bye.

Who was that?

That was your dad.

He's on his way here with Dr. Alexander and Skippy and the plumber are with him.

Oh, what a relief.

For a second there, I thought the plumber wasn't going to make it.

I'm not even sure that they'll make it. He called from a pay phone. He said that

the traffic and the storm is terrible.

Well, I'm here with you, Mom.

You've got to admit it, Alex. I'm getting a little scared.

Well, Mom,

I know exactly how you feel.

Well, not exactly.

But I know this can't be easy for you.

This is not the way it's supposed to be.

There's supposed to be a doctor here.

There's supposed to be a husband here.

There's supposed to be a hospital here.

Ah, look, Mom.

I'm sorry that I panicked earlier.

It's just that, I don't know, whenever there's a problem or a crisis of some

kind, it's always you or Dad who handle it.

I mean, it's a new world for me.

Well, it suits you, honey.

Thanks, Mom.

Well, you've done this birth thing before, so you just tell me what you

For now, all I need is you to be supportive.

Comforting and strong.

And if there's time, go to medical school.

But when do you think we'll get there?

Well, Mr. Keaton, we're doing two miles an hour.

The next exit is three miles down the road.

By my best calculations, we should get there Thursday, Friday, by the latest.

Great.

Now we're not even moving.

Dr. Alexander, what if we can't get there in time?

All I can say, Stephen, is it's not ideal, but billions of women have given

birth without a doctor's aid. It's a completely natural function, and your

is a very healthy woman.

There's every reason to believe that she'll be fine.

Thank you, doctor.

I feel better.

No use.

Mr. Keaton, you've got to calm down.

You heard what the doctor said.

Mrs. Keaton's going to be fine.

Everything's going to be okay.

Your wife don't need you hanging around while she's having that kid. Heck, my

wife had six kids without me.

Well, you know what I mean.

But I know it's possible for her to have a baby if I'm not there.

But Elise and I are a team.

I want to bring this baby into the world together. After all, moments like this

don't happen every day.

This will probably be the last baby we ever have. I just want to

be there with her.

Got everything. Got the towels, the sheets, the hot water.

Asked around for lollipops, but the best I could do was a six -pack of bud.

And some chewing tobacco.

I'll take the tobacco.

Is there anything else, Mom?

Well, I'd really like to lie down now. Could you check on the gurney?

Well, I'll get it, Mom.

Jen, why don't you and two Durans come with me?

Okay. Try not to have the baby until I come back, okay, Mom?

You're going to do great. I know you are. Thank you, honey.

You're really having the babies.

You know, for the first time, it's starting to seem real to me.

You're not the only one.

You know, when I think of having babies myself someday, I get real nervous.

What makes you nervous?

Oh, I don't know. Everything about it.

I mean, how do you know what to do when the baby won't fall asleep?

Well, you just follow your instincts.

Well, how do you know what to do when the baby won't stop crying?

Well, you'll know when it happens.

How do you know what to say when your baby tells you she's old enough to stay

out past midnight?

Forget it, Mallory.

I thought I could slip that by you.

Oh, Mom, you're going to be a terrific mother for this baby.

And I know that if I have kids someday, if I turn out to be a great mother, it's

because I had a great mother like you.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Here you go, Elise.

Everything you need to become a new mother.

Except a baby. You have to supply that.

Okay, now let's get you onto this bed.

I've got one on my neck.

It's the least we could do, Mom.

I'm sorry we're late. Let me stop for a bite to eat.

Good going, Elise. We're almost there. Thank God.

You're doing fine, Elise. Thank you, Stephen. I'm so glad you're here. Oh, me

too.

Wouldn't seem right having the baby without you.

Oh, it wouldn't have felt right to me if you weren't here.

He did it.

You have a beautiful baby boy.

Oh, Stephen.

A boy, Elise.

A boy. Now we have two of each.

Wait a minute. Let me see. One, two. Yeah, two of each.

Two of each.

You want to go for the tiebreaker?

Not tonight, honey. I had a long drive.

Oh, he's beautiful.

Like his mother.

Oh, no, Stephen. Look, he says your eyes.

Maybe those are my eyes, but that is your nose. I'd know it anyway.

You are great, please.

Oh, thank you, love. Oh, so are you.

Can we come in? We heard a baby.

Ah, we thought it might be yours.

Come on in.

It's a boy.

Thank you.

Alex, we can handle him. No problem.

Oh, wow.

It's a boy.

Oh.

Congratulate me, bud.

I'm a neighbor for the fourth time.

Bud, I never would have gotten here in time if it weren't for you.

Think nothing of it, Mr. Keaton. I'm not even going to charge you for the

overtime.

Come on, neighbor.

Come on, Plummer. Let's leave this family alone for a while.

He's so cute.

Yeah. He looks just like me.

Good dog.