Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we hid.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Alex, will you give us a hand? The Lamaze class is going to start any

Oh, I can't believe you guys are actually going through with this

There's nothing crazy about Lamaze, Alex. It's a method of natural

The husband assists the wife in the delivery room, and no anesthetic is

You know, that's crazy.

But the natural way to have a child, Mom, is for the man to be in the waiting

room, smoking, pacing, and the woman to be in the delivery room, drugged out of

her mind.

make it sound so attractive?

I think when I have a baby, I want to be unconscious.

You're off to a good start.

I'll get it. Whoa, that must be the pregnant woman, Dad. I can feel the

tilting a little.

Hi. Hi, I'm Larry Harris. Larry, hi. Susie. What? Susie, pleasure.

We're Leonard and Marge. Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.

So, it's your first baby?

Yes, it is.

We're due in ten weeks.

Wow, your wife's not showing at all.

pregnant. These are our children. This is Mallory, Alex, and Jennifer.

Have a nice class.

Bye -bye.

That's really amazing. You know, I bet your son here isn't much younger than

Susie.

That's not to say that you guys are too old or anything.

You know, I had an uncle who got married for the first time at 83.

Any children?

Not yet.

That's funny.

Excuse me.

Enjoy your company.

This is great. I mean, we got ourselves a couple of old pros here.

See, Susie, you don't have to be nervous. If these geezers can do it, so

Thank you.

Hi, I'm Carol Mannings, your instructor. Oh, Carol, I'm Stephen Keaton. This is

my wife, Elise. This is Larry, Susie, and Leonard and Marge.

Hi,

I'm Donna Barrows.

Donna. Hi, Donna.

Hi, Donna. Well, I'm a little late. I apologize. So why don't we all just sit

down on the mat so we can begin?

Okay. First of all, one of the most important things about Lamaze is

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Time out. Time out.

Aren't we missing somebody here?

I mean, where's your husband?

I don't have a husband.

Oh, you're one of those single mothers, right?

I think that's great. Good for you, Donna. I respect that.

So it's been 11 years since you had your last child.

What have you been doing all that time?

Well, we have hobbies.

I think it's wonderful you're having another baby.

A lot of people your age would just be packing up and heading for Florida.

That's very sweet of you.

Okay, everybody, we're going to start up again in a few minutes.

Boy, she's really strict.

You better be getting back in.

Oh, I'm right behind you. I just want to finish my tea. You're going to get into

trouble with the teacher?

I have a note. Oh, good.

Hi, how you doing? Hi.

I'm, uh, Alex Keaton.

I'm Donna.

Farrow. Oh, one of the Lamazonians, I presume.

Yes, I am.

Good presuming. Oh, thank you.

Congratulations. You, uh... You gonna have your first kid there?

Yeah. I guess you and your husband are pretty excited, huh?

Oh, well, I am. I don't have a husband.

Well, then, uh... Then how did...

Oh!

Well, I get it.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I see.

I see.

relationship didn't work out, we thought it would be best if we didn't stay

together.

You know, I understand these things.

I'm a contemporary guy.

Does my mom know?

I mean, uh, so, you're, uh, you're flying solo with this Lamaze

thing, huh?

Carol says I'm the first single student she's had in her classes.

Well, maybe they'll give you a little trophy or something.

Well, I'm not all alone, really. I've got the little one.

Oh, it's kicking now.

Do you want to feel it? I mean, no.

No, Donna, I couldn't. I mean, we just met.

Come on.

Whoa. Whoa, that's incredible.

Oh, Donna, you got a person in there.

Ooh, the Lamazonian call.

I better get back.

Uh, yeah.

That's neat.

I mean, this is really something. You're taking these Lamaze classes all by

yourself. Well, to be honest, I'm a little nervous about it. I mean, it's

difficult to go through the whole pregnancy by myself.

Yeah, well, I think you're going to do fine.

I hope so.

Well, I'll see you next time.

Yeah, it was nice meeting you.

Uh, nice meeting you, too.

Bye.

Bye. Well, are you up for tonight's Lamaze class?

Yeah, I guess, but I've been thinking, honey, they're all so young.

That's true. Babies are young.

I mean, the people in the class are so much older than they are. So what?

So maybe we're too old.

Too old for what?

To have a baby.

Obviously not.

You have no sympathy and understanding for the way I feel about this.

Not really, no.

Elise, I know what you're going through. I'm going through the same thing

myself.

We're geezers.

Well, what if we're geezers that are too old for natural childbirth?

What if I can't manage it?

Now, look, this isn't a contest. Besides, Elise, you're the healthiest,

strongest woman I know.

And you're just as young and as beautiful as the day we met.

You're saying that to make me feel good.

It's working.

Come on. At least we're training for this. We're doing everything we can.

me. We're going to have a beautiful baby.

Come on. Give me a hand with this couch. It's too heavy.

Whoa, hey.

Mama's class. Great.

Excuse me, Mom. Can't believe I'm just in time.

Well, there is always room for one more.

Wait a minute.

What do you care about Lamaze?

Look, you guys are my parents.

This involves your life.

If it interests you, it interests me.

Is Donna here yet?

Who's Donna?

Donna, you know, Donna.

You're your classmate, the one with the, uh, and no, uh... No, she's not here

yet. She let me touch her belly the other day.

She has got a living, growing being in there.

And she is going to have a baby. Well, that's great.

Otherwise, she's wasting her money in this Lamaze bag.

I'm telling you, parenting is a wonderful thing.

I mean, bringing a child into the world, caring for it, loving it,

Ah, you guys wouldn't understand.

Okay,

everybody,

I think we should get started.

Now, if you remember last week, we talked about the importance of a

birthing position, remember?

I call it nesting.

Now... What I'd like to do is have the birthing partners arrange the pillows on

the mats for the mothers.

Here, Donna, come on. Let me show you to your nest.

Excuse me.

Whoa, this looks like a good area to build.

Pardon me, Dad. Is this area zoned for nests?

Thank you, Alex. That's very sweet.

Not at all. Not at all. Here you go.

Elise.

What's going on? Why is he building nests?

He's just being helpful, honey.

First miss. Don't make him self -conscious.

Extend your left hand.

Make a fist.

Contract the muscles as you inhale.

Hold it.

Exhale and release.

Now, partners, check the arms for relaxation.

I'm checking your arm for relaxation.

Do you mind?

No. During this exercise, you should be giving your partner warm, supportive

messages.

I'm very proud of you, Donna.

I love you, Elise.

I love you, Dad.

I love you too, Alex.

What are you doing?

Donna, listen.

I've been thinking about what we were talking about the other day.

You know, about you being alone and kind of scared.

You have?

Yeah, listen, uh... I want to be your birthday partner.

What? We hardly know each other.

Uh, well, what better way to get acquainted?

We'll have a baby together.

I don't understand how you're handling it as well as you are.

Well, it's not a problem. Alex... is just experiencing the joy and

of fatherhood for the first time. It's a life experience we shouldn't deny him.

I don't want to deny him the experience of fatherhood. I just think he should

actually be a father first.

I think he's doing a wonderful thing for this girl. Now, haven't we always

encouraged him to be helpful and supportive?

We could send her a card.

Look, Elise, I just think it has gone too far.

I don't. Your 18 -year -old son is touring St.

Vincent's Hospital with a pregnant woman at this very moment.

You don't think it's gone too far?

No.

What's all that lumber doing in the garage?

Oh, it's Alex's. He's building a crib.

A crib?

Mom, if Alex is going to be a father, does that mean I'm going to be an aunt?

Yeah, well, sort of.

No, no. No, it doesn't.

You know, Alex may not be much of a brother, but...

Something tells me he's going to make a pretty good father.

He's not going to be a father.

And you know, Jen, the best part is that Alex will have someone around who's

shorter than he is.

For the first few years, anyway.

Enough, enough. Go on, get ready for dinner.

Steven, relax. Alex will calm down once the initial thrill wears off.

Whoa, hello, hello.

Hi. That St.

Vincent's, what a facility.

Yeah, it was kind of exciting. We saw a woman being wheeled into the delivery

room. Yeah, that'll be you soon, Mommy. I'll be ready.

No, not you, Mom. Her.

And we had this great meeting with Dr. Whitlock, our doctor.

He has devised this complete method of underwater birthing. Mother and doctor

scuba gear.

She looks radiant, doesn't she?

I guess I better get back to work.

I'll see you on Tuesday. Yeah, yeah, I'll walk you to your car.

I'll be right back. I got a lot to tell you guys. Oh, you got this great

bassinet at First Brothers?

We're gonna get one, and we thought maybe you guys would want one.

Uh, for your baby.

Still think it hasn't gone too far?

Oh, almost forgot.

We've decided to breastfeed.

Talk about what?

Miss Calm?

Miss Let's Not Deny Miss Fatherhood?

Miss No Problem?

All right, I admit we have a problem.

Problem? What's the big deal? Our son is breastfeeding.

It's about time.

All right, okay, see you Tuesday, and yeah, I'll pick up that snuggie suit.

I know we do, Mom. I mean, this is great.

You're having a baby, and we're having a baby, and they'll, like, know each

other and play together. Ow!

This is all happening so quickly. I mean, what do you really feel about

Who?

Oh, Donna.

Oh, I don't know, Mom. What's the difference?

I mean, I'm not going to date her. I'm just having a baby with her.

A baby that I'm going to love and care for, just like any father would.

But you're not a father.

Well, okay, not genetically, no.

And you are not married to Donna.

Boy, you know, you guys are really getting nitpicky about this.

Look, look, Alex, Alex, I know how you must feel.

You want to be an adult. You have everything that goes along with it. But

just not ready for this, Alex. You're just not a father.

Look, Dad, I don't... How much did you know about being a father? Before I was

born, I learned.

So will I, Dad.

And I only hope that I'm as good at it as you are.

Well, thank you.

Well, thank you, Dad.

Thank you for your support.

I'm glad we talked.

And when you squeeze it, it moves.

How about that?

Great.

Yeah, great.

You can take it with you when they put you in the home.

Come on, look, Mallory, what's the matter with you? Why can't you get

I'm going to be a father.

Yeah, Mallory. I think it's cute the way Alex is acting.

It's insane.

I know.

But he's cute.

You keep it up.

Oh, Mom, Mom, Dad, come here, come here. Look at this stuff I got.

I don't want to talk about your baby toys.

Hey, nice cut.

It's the beginning of the movie.

I can't enjoy a movie unless I know who the director is.

Hey, so what are we going to see?

Oh,

no.

Subtitles?

I hate reading a movie.

I wonder who's at the door.

How you feeling? You gain any weight? Let's get the scale, check the charts.

Oh, no, Alex, wait. I don't want to weigh in today.

Oh, all right. Okay. Oh, oh.

See the cow I got?

Oh, it's nice.

But what if it's a girl?

Well, if it's a girl, we'll go with the ducky.

Ready to practice?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, Donna, do you realize that sometime in the next six weeks, we are

about to become parents?

Well, that's not exactly true.

Yeah, right. Okay, five weeks.

I was thinking nursery schools. Now, I don't think we should send him to one

that pushes academics, you know?

Alex. And also, I was thinking that I'd really like him to grow up in this

neighborhood, you know?

I mean, come on, good enough for the old man, it's good enough for him.

And I want to take him to all the places that my folks took me when I was a kid.

I can hardly wait to take him to the bank.

Alex, wait a minute.

You're talking about us like we're a family.

You're not about to become a father.

Look, I know it's not my baby, okay? But that doesn't bother me. It really

doesn't.

And I know it's not going to be easy.

But the three of us will make it through.

Alex, wait a minute.

You're talking about us like we're a real couple.

Like, we're gonna live together. Like, we're gonna get married or something.

I hadn't thought about it that way.

But, uh... What the heck?

Let's get married.

Alex, we're not in love with each other. We're in love with the idea of being a

family. There's a big difference. Well, not for me, Donna.

We've been playing house like a couple of kids.

I'm the mommy and you're the daddy.

Well, I got caught up in it, too. Well, look, can't you just get caught up in it

again? No, I can't.

Alex, you're very sweet, and I think it's so nice that you want to help me,

our relationship's not based on anything real.

So what?

Alex, I think you're a wonderful person, and I care for you a lot, but we can't

keep going on as if we're really going to share our lives. Donna. This just

can't work.

Donna. Yes, Alex.

That's my cow.

No, no, no, Dad. You see, the war was symbolic of... Hi, Alex.

Where's Donna?

She, uh, she left.

Symbolic of what, Jennifer?

Don't leave me hanging.

A man's...

from his own emotions.

Can I play with your cow, Alex?

Did you practice your lamaze with Donna?

No, no.

Donna and I had a flight falling out.

We're never seeing each other again.

What happened?

I'd rather not talk about it, okay?

Come on, Alex, what happened? Valerie, it's personal, all right? Do you mind?

I told you I love Boy George.

That's not personal.

That's scary.

Last time I opened up to you, Alex.

What happened, Alex?

Well, Donna just said she doesn't feel the same way about me that I feel about

her.

She never has.

How do you feel about her?

Well, Mom, she changed my life.

She was almost the mother of my child.

Then how do you feel about her?

I just told you.

You know, it was so perfect.

I mean, it was a complete package. A great -looking girl, a baby.

Boom, instant family.

You know, it would have been all settled for me.

I would have skipped all that stuff like meeting girls and dating.

Falling in love.

Most people look forward to the falling in love part.

Yeah, well, I'm not like most people, Mom.

No argument there.

You know, Dad, this whole thing is your fault.

If you, uh...

If you weren't such a great father, I wouldn't have been in such a hurry to

become one.

I meant well.

Oh, oh, and you make mothering look real good, too, Mom.

I guess I just got carried away, huh?

No.

It kind of happens to... No one else.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.