Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

This is ridiculous.

Where do they come up with this stuff?

What's the matter, Alex?

All freshmen are required to take a humanities course.

What's so bad about that?

Well, the choices are absurd. I mean, listen to this one. Humanities 1.

Man, society, civilization, the universe.

How am I supposed to relate to this stuff?

Just don't talk in class and they'll think you're one of them.

Jennifer, I'm in college to learn about money, not people.

Alex, there's more to life than getting rich.

Jennifer, people who have money...

Don't need people.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, Mallory, could you possibly turn that up a little? I can

still hear planes passing overhead.

Sure.

Hey, Mallory, look, help me out, will ya? Hey.

I'm trying to go over my college courses here.

You know, college, you might drive past one someday.

Stop it, Alex.

That's the best that's ever sounded.

Another day begins here at Happy Acres.

I haven't even had my breakfast yet. I don't want to know.

I'm beginning to get curious.

All right, okay, Dad.

Mallory's music was driving me crazy, and I overreacted.

I'm a little tense this morning.

Alex is just in a bad mood because they want him to be a human at college.

Jennifer, they don't want me to be a human. They want me to take a humanities

course. Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

I don't know, Dad. Maybe you can help me out with this. You have a commitment to

social change and a love for the humanities.

Look, some of these courses look pretty interesting, Alex.

Why don't you sign up for Introduction to Abnormal Behavior?

You could skip the introduction.

Hey, what about Psychology 3? I'm okay, you're okay.

First of all, you're not okay.

And second of all, this is not a college course. It's a Phil Donahue show.

Well, okay, look, how about Sociology of the Family or the Hotline? Hey, look,

Marriage and the Family. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, Dad.

Hotline, what's that Hotline?

The Hotline, a phone -in counseling center where students earn credits by

handling callers' problems two nights a week.

Satisfies humanity's requirement.

Yeah, you know, this could be perfect. I can go to this Hotline twice a week. I

can bring along my book, catch up on my real courses.

Stuff that has nothing to do with people.

Watch it, will you? Sorry, next time I'll signal before I turn.

Jarrett? Is that you, Jarrett?

Keaton, what are you doing here?

I go to school here. What about you?

I go to school here, too. Hey, how'd you get in? I thought they restricted the

dull.

Obviously not.

So, uh, what are you doing in this place?

I mean, a hotline center's the last place I figured I'd run into somebody

you. Yeah, well, I'm, uh, I'm here, uh, because I want to help, uh, what do you

call it? People.

You're more sensitive than I thought.

Hey, Jared, did I mention the fact that I won the McKinley Scholarship? Oh,

that's not bad. I won the Stedman.

I could have won the Stedman if I applied. I just figured the McKinley was

little more prestigious.

Old grudges die hard, don't they, Keith? What are you talking about, Jarrett?

You still can't get over my beating you in the regional spelling bee in the

third grade.

Hey, you didn't beat me. I simply refused to spell Democrat.

Well, it's nice to see you're both so anxious. We like people with enthusiasm.

I'm Janice Worthy. I'm James Jarrett, regional spelling bee champion.

This is Alex Keaton. Came in second.

Ah, Alex, I see you're an economics major. Most of the counselors here are

psychology majors. I'm a psychology major. I'll get to you in just a second,

James.

Um, so tell me, Alex, do you know many emotionally disturbed people?

Uh, just family.

James, this resume is quite impressive.

Worked with abused children, volunteered at senior citizens' home, volunteer

playground director.

What'd you do in your spare time, train guide dogs?

Worked with guide dogs.

Very... Yeah, he's a saint.

Let me explain how we work around here.

The hotline is a 24 -hour service for Leland students with personal problems.

Yeah, it's a terrific community service.

And it also satisfies the humanities requirements, right? That's right.

Great. I'm ready. When do I start?

Your training program will start tomorrow.

As you become more comfortable with the job, we'll give you more

responsibilities. You won't actually be on the phone unsupervised for several

weeks.

But we'll still get credit.

Yes, Alex, you'll get credit.

Oh, there's one more thing.

Trainees work in pairs. You two will work as a team.

Us? Yes.

Any objections?

No. No.

I should be able to pull them through.

Okay, Jennifer asked me another question.

What do you say to someone who calls with severe personal problems?

I told you never to call me here.

No, it says speak in a soothing voice and try to keep the caller on the line.

close.

Why don't you try a few practice calls, Alex? You know, to help you get the feel

of it.

That's a good idea, Dad.

Mallory, you've logged more phone hours than anyone else in the family.

Anyone else in the world.

Why don't you give me a practice ring?

Oh, okay.

It's ringing.

Hello, hotline. Why are you bugging me?

I got a problem. Let me guess. It's a boy. Right.

Let me guess.

You like him. He doesn't like you. No, I don't like him. He doesn't like me.

Then what's the problem?

He's my brother.

Sorry, your time is up.

Whoa, that's James. I gotta go.

Wait a minute, Alex. It says that you shouldn't use your real name. You have a

code name. Ah, good point.

Wouldn't want any of these crazed losers calling me at home.

Thank you, Mother Teresa.

Okay, well, it says here to pick a name that's positive, something like faith,

hope, or charity, but something that accurately reflects your personality.

How about greed?

Nah, it's probably taken.

Ah, hi, Ms. Worthy. Sorry, we're late.

It was James' fault. Oh, thanks, teammate.

Anyway, we're here. We're ready to go. Where is everybody?

We're really understaffed tonight. Allison and Peter have the flu. Robert

midterm, and I was supposed to be out of here an hour ago.

Oh, gee, that's too bad. I guess that means you're going to have to close down

tonight, huh?

We'll still get credit for showing up, though.

We're not going to have to close. Tim will be here any minute for your

session. Oh, great. Tim's good. Yeah, great. I love Tim.

He makes us work hard.

All right, boys. See you tomorrow.

Good night.

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to get some work done.

Listen, Alex, I'm going to run up to the snack bar. Can I get you anything?

No, I'm fine.

Hey, all right, man. I was buying.

Bring me back one of everything.

Kitty.

Yeah, hi, Tim. How you doing? Why didn't you use your code name?

Uh, sorry.

I forgot.

Don't let it happen again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, Tim, is that the only reason you called? No. My car broke down.

It'll be at least an hour before they fix it. Just close up and go home. We'll

make up the session tomorrow.

Okay, great.

Uh, oh, Tim, uh, one more thing. Yes, Alex. You'll get credit for showing up.

Okay.

Yeah, Gandhi speaking.

Gandhi?

Yeah, Gandhi.

I must have the wrong number. I wanted the hotline.

No, no, no, no.

Don't hang up. Hold on. This is the hotline. I just... call myself Gandhi

because it's a code name. Alright? What's your problem?

My name is Bill.

Just plain Bill.

And I need some help here.

I think I think I'm gonna kill myself.

James, it's for you!

You must have been very thirsty.

A guy called who wants to kill himself.

Okay, okay, take it easy.

What did you tell him?

I put him on hold.

You what?

Hello, thank you for calling the hotline.

This is Gidget.

Gidget?

Yeah? That doesn't exactly inspire confidence.

Where's the other guy? Where's Gandhi?

I'm here too, Bill. We're both here, Gidget and Gandhi.

All right, let's try to be calm. Let's just try to be rational.

What's the problem?

thinking about my life, you know?

How's it going?

I've been better.

You know, I spent all last week trying to come up with just one good reason to

live, and I couldn't do it.

All right, okay, uh, look, let's, let's get, uh, let's think of the things that

make us happy, okay? Uh, books, uh, plays, uh, music, uh,

movies, movies. There's, there's a great... James Bond Festival over at the

North Town.

Oh, yeah? What's playing?

Oh, Live and Let Die.

Nice going, Alex.

Hey, you think you could do better? Yeah, I do. Let me talk.

Hey, no, wait a minute. I answer the phone. Hey, guys, what's going on? I'll

talk. Give me that. No, no, hey, Jared, hey.

Well, it's been 15 minutes.

He hasn't called.

What could he be doing?

Don't answer that.

All right.

Let's just review the conversation, and we'll try and we'll figure out what went

wrong. Right. Okay.

Uh, he called.

He said he wanted to kill himself.

I put him on hold.

We suggested he go to a James Bond movie.

And then we hung up on him.

Yeah,

hotline. Is that how you help? A guy says he's gonna kill himself and you

up on him?

Bill, Bill, you're back.

Bill, sorry, it was an accident.

Now, are you feeling any better?

No.

Worse.

Now, this is just off the top of my head, but I was thinking.

Life can be a wonderful and splendid thing.

Hey, are you reading this out of a book?

No.

No. No.

Don't be silly, Bill. I'm just winging this.

Let's reflect for a moment on all the positive aspects in one's life.

We can do that, can't we?

Insert name.

You are reading this out of a book.

I'm a person, not a hypothetical case. If you keep reading that book, I'm

hanging up.

Look, Bill, give me a break, okay?

I'm new at this. I don't know what to say.

Yeah, well, I'm new at this, too, but you don't see me reading out of a book.

Listen, uh, Bill.

Uh, can you hold for a second? Oh, great.

No, no, I promise you I won't hang up.

Okay, but hurry up. I don't have all night.

What are we gonna do? He won't let us use the manual.

Well... Well, we'll just have to be ourselves.

And, uh...

Then, Bill, in 1978, I entered junior high school.

Had to take a school bus for the very first time.

Of course, it didn't phase me.

Uh, Bill?

Uh, you still there?

Yeah, I'm still here.

I'm bored, but I'm...

You know, you're wasting your time. Nobody cares about me. Hey, we do.

And we're going to stay on this phone as long as you want us to.

Come on, you're just two guys who work at the hotline and happen to show up on

the wrong night.

I don't even know your real names.

Alex Keaton.

James Jarrett.

I didn't think you'd tell me.

Isn't that against the rules?

Hey, Bill, at a time like this, everything just goes out the window.

Let me rephrase that.

Look, I know you guys are really trying, but you still haven't told me why I

should keep living.

Think of the good things.

Think of falling snow.

Think of falling in love. I know.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

No, silver's down this week. Say every cloud has a zinc lining.

Hey, see that, man? You're laughing.

I tell you, people who have really given up on life, they can't laugh.

That wasn't a laugh. That was a chuckle. Oh, come on, come on. That was a laugh.

I know a laugh when I hear one, and you laughed.

All right, I laughed. Sue me.

Come on, Bill, if you're laughing... thing you must be smiling and and if

smiling you must be starting to feel good and you cannot kill yourself when

you're feeling good it spoils the mood look i know you guys are really trying

you know but it's no use i i just i hate life i hate feeling empty every day i i

hate feeling sorry for myself i what what is it

Bill, everybody gets scared.

Do you?

Uh, yeah, sure.

When?

Hey, look, I thought we were supposed to be talking about you, not me.

Oh, I get it. I have to answer your questions, but you won't answer mine.

No, it's just that it's not easy for me.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do. I get scared.

When?

Mostly at night.

You know, when the health is real quiet and I start thinking about my

future.

I do. I get scared.

Why should that scare you? You told me you've always succeeded in everything.

i have and uh that's why i get scared you know because i'm afraid i might fail

and uh and if i fail i don't know how i'd

handle it so i can't let myself fail i keep pushing

myself to do better and better and i keep trying harder and harder and i'm

afraid that if i stop

Go on. What are you afraid of?

I'm afraid that if I slow down and I stop

being the best and the brightest and the wittiest, that

I'll be nothing.

Wow. That's exactly how I feel sometimes, like I'm nothing.

Well, we all feel that way sometimes.

But we ride it out. We work at it. We fight the bad feelings.

Look, Bill, you called here, right? I mean, you reached out. You don't want to

die.

And we don't want you to die.

Do you really think every cloud has a zinc lining?

Absolutely.

I'm going to hang up now.

What do you mean, Bill?

I mean, I want to hang up so I can get some sleep. You know, then I can be

and think this through and find another way to deal with it tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Did you say tomorrow?

Yeah.

Did you hear that, James?

I heard him.

We were afraid we goofed up, you know, because we're new and we're so unsure of

ourselves. I kind of like that.

It made me feel superior.

You guys are good, though, don't you?

Oh, thanks.

But as good as we are, there are people who are better.

You have to get some professional help.

I know.

I will.

to find somebody better than Gandhi and Gidget.

Thanks guys.

Let's go, Keaton.

It's really something, man.

What's so bad you thought?

You know, listen, about all that stuff that I said, you know, about being

and all that.

Yeah?

Well, you know that I was just saying that.

Oh, yeah, I know. I know you don't get scared.

Uh,

James, can you keep the lights on?

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.