Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do?

We can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without a sha -la -la -la?

Chips, isn't there anything more interesting on a test pattern, maybe?

It happens to be a quality show, Alex.

Eric's really cute.

Hey, Matt, can I give a...

I hate baseball.

It's noisy, it's crowded, and everybody wears those tacky double nets.

Oh, Jennifer, you should know better than to practice baseball in the house.

Sorry, Dad.

Mallory, turn off the TV. Alex, help me clean up here. Your Uncle Ned's going to

be here any minute.

Maybe he'll practice with me. Knowing Uncle Ned, I'm sure he will, but I'm

counting on you to keep him under control this time.

Don't you like it when Uncle Ned comes?

I love it, but I just wish one time when your brother comes to town he'd give us

more than two hours' notice.

Uncle Ned may be impulsive, but you've got to remember one thing.

He's the junior vice president of the Sintram Corporation, which happens to be

the 12th largest multinational corporation in the world. In the fast

world of big business, decisions have to be made like that.

There's no time to think.

We'll get right in someday, huh?

for each and every one of you, starting with Jennifer.

It's a little New York City skyline inside a dome.

Shake it up, snows can suck.

Careful with that, it's one of a kind.

I also have one for each of the rest of you. Oh!

Oh, it's Mallory! Oh, Stephen!

Oh, Stephen, I'm sorry.

of work inside of one of those buildings?

Should be a perfect fit.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Hi, Mom! Yeah, I'm fine. Have I got a surprise for you. You will never guess.

just came for a visit.

Uh, who is it? Uh, the gas man.

He just came to read the meter.

Well, he prefers reading at night. He sleeps better.

reads first.

Can I call you back later, Mom?

Good. Okay, thanks. Bye.

Why did you do that?

No reason.

Look, Elise, I'm on vacation.

I just want to relax. If it's all the same, I'd like to take a couple of days,

get settled before I talk to Mom and Dad.

Parents can be tough to deal with sometimes.

Hey, I know what you mean.

Oh, Ned, it's great that you could get this time off.

considering that you took a vacation a couple of months ago.

Uh, yeah!

Yeah, yeah. Well, um, this isn't a vacation per se.

It's more of a leave of absence. I was feeling a little burned out. I needed

some time off, you know.

You're not sick now, are you?

No, no, no, no, no. Nothing like that. Just a little tired.

I was hoping I could stay here for a while, if it's okay.

Oh, that'd be terrific. Sure, make yourself at home. We won't bother you.

can even go take a nap if you want. Oh.

Great. Hey!

What do you say we blow this couch out of here and play a couple of innings,

guys?

You don't know how I appreciate a home -cooked meal, Elise.

I don't cook much in my apartment anymore.

Not since the fire.

Listen to me, how you live in that apartment.

It was such a mess last time we visited. Come on, Elise. You just caught me at a

bad time.

I didn't have time to tidy up before you arrived.

It looked like strip mining had been going on.

No, no strip mining. The geological surveys we did were inconclusive.

Don't make fun of me, Ned. I work... about you. I know.

So cute.

You're such a big sister.

Hello, Ned.

How's work?

What's going on at Cintram?

Come on, Dad. I showed you that clipping.

They've moved up seven notches on the Fortune 500. You've got a copy of the

Fortune 500 in your wallet?

I wish. I only have the top 25 in my wallet. I can't see that. I'm completely

listening to my pillow.

I also have, uh...

The clipping from two years ago when you were promoted to junior vice president.

And your speech before the World Bank.

And your award for best young executive of 1981.

You got any pictures of me in a swimsuit?

Come on, Uncle Ned. There's no need for false modesty. We all know you're a

genius. You're a command of computer technology. You're business acumen. Your

math abilities are well documented.

That's right. You're looking at a man who's memorized every number between one

and a hundred.

Oh, yeah? What comes after 63?

Oh, come on, Jennifer. Not when everybody's watching.

Hello?

Allied International Airlines?

No, I'm sorry. You must have the wrong number. There's no one named Stanislaw

Demkowski here.

This is Stanislaw.

No, no, I do not know when I will be leaving it. Can I keep my return ticket

open?

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Bye -bye.

Since I'm up, anybody need anything from the fridge? Some butter, some baking

soda, some chopped chives?

Yeah, that calls for someone named Stanislaw.

Yeah, that struck me as strange also.

Hey, Ed. Oh, well, there's a very simple explanation.

I booked my airline ticket through the company's computers, and I used an

assumed name so that they wouldn't know I was here. Otherwise, they'd be calling

every five minutes. There would have been a problem at work.

May I use your phone for a second? Quick business call?

Certainly, Stanislaw. After all, you are a guest in our country.

The Falcon has landed.

The fat man walks alone.

I repeat, the falcon has landed.

The fat man walks alone.

So you're sure about those chopped chives?

Good morning.

Good morning, Uncle Matt. You sleep well? Like a baby.

Didn't you hear me crying?

What you working on?

Algebra. Huh, what's the problem?

Algebra.

Need some help?

Well, I did this problem with that formula you showed me last night, and I

equals 7, but the book says x equals 9.

Compromise. Make x equal 8.

Okay, now, I want all the dirt. Tell me everything.

The inner workings of the corporate world.

Bold, daring decisions made in the face of an ever -changing and uncertain world

economy.

Survival of the fittest elevated to the highest levels of corporate technology.

Come on, Uncle Ned, tell me, is that what it's like?

Kind of.

God, I love getting the inside story.

Don't encourage him, Uncle Ned.

Uncle Ned, what is really the most exciting part of it all?

I have two secretaries.

You've just destroyed all his fantasies.

Hopefully I've created a new one.

Okay, kids, get a move on. Your carpool's going to be here any minute.

Uncle Ned, can you give me a few pointers?

We had a big game after school today.

I've been in a batting slump lately.

Well, that's because you swing at too many bad pitches, Jennifer, and I told

that last time I was here. All right, come on, come on.

Go outside and I'll toss you a couple.

Uh -oh, a car sealer. That's okay, that's okay. We can get in a couple of

on the way to the car. Hey, Alex, Malibu, take some slides. Okay.

I didn't even know what I was going to say.

You were going to say that Ned is childish and irresponsible.

I wasn't going to say that.

That's a given.

What I was going to say is, uh... I think something's going on that Ned's

telling us.

He's been so evasive about why he's in town now. I know what you mean, but

that's Ned.

He told us last night he's feeling burnt out and he just wants to take a leave

of absence.

Well, then what's all this stuff, uh...

The fat man has landed.

Actually, it was the falcon that landed. The fat man walked alone.

I didn't get a break, Mrs. Anderson. She's got a big game today. Well, it's a

couple of minutes.

That woman should not be driving a carpool. It's far too irritable.

I'll get that.

Just a minute. I'll see.

Elise, do you have any friends named Bernice?

Uh, Bernice Wilkins.

Bernice, what's your last name?

Okay, she's got that right. How tall is she?

This is about... Ned!

Bernice! Hi.

Who answered the phone?

The gas man.

Can I call you back?

Thanks.

Don't ever call here again.

I just don't want the people from work to know I'm here.

Why not?

Because I've been having some problems at work lately.

Some big problems.

Well, truth of the matter is, I quit.

Or if you want to get all technical about it, I was fired.

Oh, Ned.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, the thing is, I didn't leave on exactly the best of terms with the

company brass.

There may be some things they might want to say to me that I don't really want

to hear, and some things they might want to do to me that I don't want to have

done.

What are you saying? Are you in some physical danger?

Only if they catch me.

I don't understand. Why are they after you?

Well, I had a little disagreement with the president of the company. All of

is over a little disagreement?

Well, at first it was a little disagreement.

Then I poured a cup of coffee on his head.

On your boss?

He said he wanted a second cup.

Uh, look, um, why don't I just explain this from the very beginning?

About two years ago, the Syntram Corporation bought a small company

Hemsdale Machine Parts. And as it turns out, Syntram bought that company for

only one reason.

To make money.

To lose money.

Uh -huh. I was never very good in business.

You see, once the merger went through, Cintram could claim that Hemsdale was an

unprofitable business and shut it down. And they would use the loss as a huge

tax write -off. And the whole transaction would actually make millions

dollars for the company. And I was the man in charge of making all that happen.

That was your big promotion, right? I remember that.

Yeah, Alex took the day off from school.

Yeah, well, a couple of months ago, I visited Hemsdale for the first time.

and saw the people we were about to put out of work. All 1 ,800 of them. And it

just really got to me.

But you must have known that they existed before that.

Until then, they were just numbers on a computer printout, Steve. But when I saw

them, they were real people.

They had overalls and lunch buckets and hats, umbrellas.

The forecast called for rain.

What happened?

A light shower. Sun came out about a year ago.

What did you do?

Oh, well, I went to the president of our company and I explained how I felt.

I suggested that he call the merger off and keep Hemsdale open.

And he said to me, Ned, let's keep this in perspective.

Those 1 ,800 people have their financial concerns and we have ours.

Moments later, the man had coffee in his hair.

Pouring coffee on his head was pretty dumb, but do you really think they'll

someone after you?

Big business can be dangerous.

I've heard of people who've disappeared after mixing up a lunch order.

Must be very difficult for you. I mean, after all you've worked for for the past

ten years.

I guess I had no other choice.

But, um, what was all this business about the falcon and the fat man?

Oh, that was nothing.

I was canceling a racquetball date I had with Billy Wood Fett. We call him the

fat man.

I'm glad you told us, Ned.

At least this will put an end to all this cloak and dagger business.

Of course.

Pussycat, Pussycat, where have you been?

Just tell him I've been to London to visit... No, forget it.

Oh, you're clear.

What's the big deal? I mean, we had time for one more inning.

It was getting dark, Uncle Ned.

So what? It was a tie game.

I was getting tired.

Hey, you play tired. That's part of the...

Good stuff.

All the kids had to go home for dinner.

What a jip.

Hey, Sam.

Hi there, Ned.

Listen, uh, my dad told me the whole thing.

I think what you did was great.

You do?

Yeah. Yeah, you did what you had to do.

Now they know you're not just another yes man. You're a free thinker, a rebel.

The president will probably come running back to you and offer you a big raise

and a promotion.

Alex, I'm not going back to Thindran.

You know, you're right.

To hell with him.

The other big multinationals will probably be banging down your door

soon. You can just take your pick, right?

No, I'm through with the business world.

Finished. Never again.

The ball game's over.

You can't do that, Uncle Ned.

You've got one of the best young business minds since Henry Ford.

Since Howard Hughes.

Since... Since a lot of guys.

You're part of the new breed.

You're brash. You're sassy.

You're now.

Let's face it. You owe it to humanity to make money.

Alex, there's a lot of information about this that has yet to surface.

And when it does, you may not be that thrilled with me.

What do you mean?

Alex, I'm about to tell you something that I couldn't tell your parents.

No, I'm not.

Oh, hi, Ned. How did Jennifer's softball game go?

Well, it was a tie game, and Jennifer wanted to come home because it was

dark and she was getting hungry and tired, and I really think you ought to

a talk with that kid.

up in the driveway.

Yeah, it's got a U .S. government license plate.

Are you sure?

Positive.

Oh, son of a gun. Mallory, you're right. Government plate.

Ned, do you know anything about this?

Me? No, nothing. Never seen the guy before, but whoever he is is about to

your front doorbell. Well, I gotta go get some ice cream.

Ned!

Yes, is this the Keaton residence?

Yes. Great!

That would make you Stephen Keaton, right?

Uh, right.

Whoa! Two out of two.

Uh, what can I do for you? May I come in?

Yeah, my name's Bert Carlisle.

I'm with your local office of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

What's going on? Don't tell me, don't tell me. You, you, you, you, you must be

Elise, right?

That's right.

I'm pretty good at this, aren't I?

You must be Alex and, uh, Mallory. Uh, who's the little girl? Friend of the

family?

She's our daughter, Jennifer.

Are you sure?

I'm quite certain.

Okay. First mistake.

Heads will roll.

Jennifer.

Daughter.

How do you know so much about us? Well, I pulled your file from the computer

this afternoon.

Say, you know, you folks have been the talk of the office all day long.

Excuse me, Derek. Here we are.

Stephen and Elise Keaton married May 1964, participated in no fewer than 15

subversive political demonstrations between 1966 and 1973.

Arrested three times.

See here, Mr. Carlisle, I don't know what you want with us, but I do know my

rights. According to the Privacy Act of 1974,

I have the right to examine the FBI's file on us.

Okay, here.

Can I have that back? before I go. It's my only copy.

Mr. Carl, will you please tell us why you're here? Oh, right. Listen, I'm

to bother you folks. We got a call from the New York office this morning.

Now, it seems they're looking for a Ned Donnelly.

He's my brother. Wait a minute, wait a minute. He's your brother. That's good.

Anyway, we're just making a routine check of his relatives, see if they know

where he is.

Has Ned done something illegal?

Ma 'am, the FBI doesn't go looking for people unless they've done something

illegal. It's a new policy.

What did Uncle Ned do?

Let's see. What did Uncle Ned do? What did Uncle Ned do?

Uncle Ned stole four and a half million dollars.

has filed charges against him for, and I quote, embezzlement and tampering with

corporate records and corporate funds involving interstate transactions.

Is that good or bad?

It's bad, Jennifer.

So, um, do you folks know where we might find him?

No,

we don't.

She's right. We haven't heard from him.

Not in months.

And we definitely didn't play baseball together today.

Carlisle, do you really believe my brother stole that money? I mean, he's

the type.

I'll mention that to the guys in New York.

But to be honest with you, I think they want to push ahead with the case anyway.

Can I have my file back? I've got to go.

Mr.

Carlisle, it...

It says here that we participated in left -wing conspiracies to overthrow the

government. We never did that.

Don't take it so literally.

Is that the bookkeeping thing?

Let's just say, entirely for the sake of argument, that we know where Ned is.

We don't, of course.

No. But let's say we do.

I'm just curious what would happen to us if we didn't tell you.

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Interesting, I guess.

Hypothetically speaking, that you would be hypothetically arrested for harboring

a known criminal and hypothetically be sent to a very real jail.

I see.

Fascinating stuff, isn't it?

have to go.

If you hear from your brother, ma 'am, please give me a call.

Keep in mind, withholding information is a federal offense.

Have a nice night.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.