Original subtitles

Well, that was a wait of two hours. I can't believe that your mother and I are

the only ones who enjoyed a hard day's night.

No, no, I think there were some other old people in the audience who enjoyed

too. Yeah, I hear beetles are big in nursing homes.

Next time, let me pick the movie, okay?

Uh, no, we let you pick the movie last time, and it was terrible.

I can't help it if you don't like subtitles.

At least that movie was quiet. You could sleep.

These guys kept breaking into song every five minutes.

At least I'm crushed.

How did we raise three children who don't care that Eleanor Rigby keeps her

in a jar by the door?

The same way our parents raised kids who don't care how Stella looked by

starlight. I can't believe you guys used to listen to that music. It was so

boring. They didn't even break any...

Is that how you judge music today, by how many guitars get broken?

No, that's how you do it when the song is over.

Stephen, come in here, quickly!

Honey, what... My God.

They've been robbed.

Can't believe it. People we don't even know came in here. They tracked mud all

over...

They're burglars, Elise. That's their job.

I need to check my room.

Me too.

Steven, check the dining room. See if the silverware's still there. It's in

top drawer of the break front.

Wow, wait until my class hears about this during show and tell.

Oh, Mommy, do you mind me tying you this chair for a picture? The kids at school

are hard to impress.

I think the silver's gone, Elise.

It's not in the break front?

Hard to tell. They took the break front.

They cleaned me out. They took everything. They took my calculator

They took my golf clubs.

At least they didn't touch my Montevani albums.

That's a relief.

They made a mess up there. They went through everything, even the linen

Oh, great. Now the entire underworld knows that my sheets and pillowcases

match.

It's gone.

I can't believe it. They took my most prized possession.

So we'll get you another mirror.

They took my dye.

The important thing is that nobody was hurt.

Nothing else matters.

That's easy for you to say. You didn't read her diary.

We'll be together for a million more.

It's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

Well, I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing.

We can't love each other through What would we do, baby, without

us?

Sha -la -la -la

I'm all right. I'm all right. I think the broom's dead, though.

Just relax, Dad, okay? I'll check the living room.

It's all clear. Nobody there.

Did you look up there?

where we keep the bedrooms.

Um, no, no, I didn't make it up there.

Howard. Look who's talking. The brave soul who offered me five dollars to

me on the shower curtain last night.

I did not. I offered you three. You said you'd do it for five.

Valerie, if you're scared, come to me or Daddy. We don't charge.

I would have, but you're downstairs frisking the paper boy. I wasn't

him. I was checking his I .D. He's new on the roof.

All right, look, this is going to have to stop. I will not have my family.

afraid in our own home.

Can we go to a motel?

No. I think it's time for a family meeting about this. Oh, yeah. Not a

meeting. Come on. Well, can't we just talk about this without having a formal

meeting? Just because you two want to keep up this charade of a 60th

participatory democracy, why do we have to be subjective to it? Yeah.

Because we say so.

Okay.

Assigned seats?

Assigned seats.

We'll dispense with the minutes.

Any old business?

At the last meeting, we decided to boycott the following products.

Persian rugs, whale blubber. Can't we just skip the old business and get on to

the problem at hand?

It's highly irregular.

Oh, okay.

Okay, look.

I know the burglary's been hard on everyone, but we've got to put it past

can't let fear take over and destroy our lives.

Does that mean I have to stop sleeping with my light on?

No, no, you keep your light on as long as you need to if it makes you feel more

comfortable. Can I keep his on, too?

Jennifer. You told me to ask.

I explained that to you.

I need the light to read by.

You read by a Donald Duck nightlight?

Not all I'm saying.

All I'm saying is we're going to take some steps to try and...

Help us feel safe again. Yeah, I think we should keep the house locked at all

times. Don't let any strangers in, and if you see anybody acting suspicious,

call the police. We want to know where you are and who you're with at all

At all times?

At all times. Well, as a member of this Democratic household, I move we hold a

vote on the last issue.

Motion denied.

Last winter, when we all came down with the colds at the same time. Yeah, Dad

tried to ration tissues to save trees.

Yeah, well, I think getting robbed is a lot like having a cold.

You don't get over it all at once. It takes a while.

Well, we've all been through this together. I think we can help each other

Well, ever since the robbery, I can't help feeling real weird.

That's because you are real weird.

Oh, no. Every time I go into my bedroom, I feel like there's a stranger watching

me. That's probably Marty Obeck across the street.

All right, look, I know you're on edge, but let's try and stick together here.

What do you think about organizing a neighborhood watch meeting, Elise?

Boy, Dad, you'll do anything to hold a meeting.

The police said they would send someone to speak if we did. I think it's a real

good idea.

Should we hold it here, or maybe we should call Phyllis and have it open?

Chris's parents had a neighborhood watch meeting, and every house on the block

got robbed that night, except...

We'll have it here.

Just remember, nothing's foolproof.

Burglars want to get in badly enough, they will. The most you can do is make

hard for them. And then maybe they'll go down the block instead, to your

neighbor's house.

Officer, officer.

Now that you've lost control of this meeting, do you mind if I say something?

I have a feeling you're going to. Thank you.

My name is Earl Quigley.

I sell insurance.

This should be real subtle and sensitive.

If anybody knows how vulnerable a house can be, it's yours truly.

Leave me.

There isn't an alarm system on this earth that can't be suckered. Do you

statistics? I got statistics.

Take a crime, any crime.

Okay, um, assault and battery.

One of my favorites.

Up 20 % in this neighborhood over the last year.

We live in a jungle.

At this very moment.

There's a crime being committed somewhere in this neighborhood within a

-mile radius.

It wouldn't happen nowhere, would you?

Let's face it, the only way to really protect ourselves is to get a G .U .N.

Now, I wouldn't recommend that for most people.

Accidents happen.

If you've got a gun, you better be careful.

I am?

Well, I gotta be moving on. I hope I haven't made you people any more

than you already were. Well, we appreciate your honesty.

Burglars are a peculiar breed.

They're not usually satisfied to hit one house on the block and then move on.

Oh, no.

They'll keep coming back again and again.

Picking on it.

Pick, pick, pick.

Till there's nothing left to pick on.

Leech sapping our strength, our blood.

Did I say the wrong thing?

Which time?

Let's remember to keep him out of the locker room at halftime.

Can I help you clean up here a little bit, Elise?

Thanks, Phyllis. I think I'll just leave it all out for the burglars.

Well, I can't say this meeting did a whole lot for my sense of security.

You want security, Keaton?

Get yourself a G .U .N.

Dan, we don't believe in guns. Oh, that's fine and dandy until you come up

against somebody who does.

I gotta be going.

Oh, do you have to?

Is that the lock you're going with, Keaton?

Why can't you understand that we can't have a gun in the house? We've got three

children. I've got four.

And I've got a gun.

You, fella?

Yes, me.

Hey, you'd be surprised how many people like you and me have guns these days.

I'd think about it if I were you.

I'll call you tomorrow, okay? Yeah, sure.

Good night, Stephen. Good night, Phyllis.

I can't believe Phyllis Evans has got a gun. What is going on in this world,

Stephen?

Stephen? Oh,

yeah.

Look.

I didn't like the way they put it, but, uh... Well, I hate to admit it, but

maybe some of what Earl and Phyllis had to say made some sense. Maybe we should

at least consider buying a G .U.

You know. You can't even say it. My vocal cords can be very stubborn. It

them six months to say President Nixon.

That seems so terribly wrong.

I know.

I know.

I also know the world is... and we've got to adjust to it. Last time you said

that, you signed us up for disco lessons.

Ever since the burglary, I can't stop myself from thinking about what might

happened if we'd been home when they broke in.

I know that thought crossed my mind two, three, or four hundred times, but is a

gun the answer?

I don't know.

We sleep down here with the... What's the matter? We're scared.

I mean, they're scared. I'm trying to be supportive.

Sure, sure. Why don't we all sleep down here? It'll be fun, just like camping.

Am I going to have to go to the bathroom outside?

You kids wait down here. Your mother and I will change you in our pajamas and be

right back. Yeah.

We will be right back down.

This is a mistake.

We're just here to look at guns, Elise. We don't have to buy one, and if it

feels like a mistake, we won't.

Okay. There's the gun department over here.

Oh, look, there's a sale on long underwear. Maybe we should stock up for

kids. Elise, we are quite possibly about to take a major step in our lives that

involves the security, the safety, and the well -being of our family.

So does underwear.

Elise.

It's 25 % off.

I'm coming.

for you folks today?

Well, let's see.

We need some camping items. Some insect repellent, a compass, a collapsible

drinking cup, a gun, a canteen, electric socks.

Okay, suppose we cut the song and dance.

What kind of gun do you want?

What are the different kinds?

Depends. You just want to put a nick in him or do you want to blow him away?

What do you think, honey?

A Nick sounds fine.

Yes, a Nick, then.

You want that to be a small Nick, middle -sized, or the Grand Canyon?

Tell you the truth, we're not all that sure that we want to buy a gun.

Actually, we're pacifists. We've marched for peace seven, oh, no, eight times,

if you count that rally in Paris that we thought was for peace, but really it

turned out to be a legalized prostitution.

Our French wasn't very good at the time.

When were you robbed?

How'd you know we were robbed?

Well, that's what usually gets folks like you in here.

Now, don't be ashamed.

It's no crime to want to protect yourself.

We just never thought we'd buy a gun.

Well, I think this might be your style.

Most of the pacifists who come in here seem to like it.

I never held a gun before.

This is going to take a minute.

It's you.

They are intimidating, aren't they?

That's what makes them so popular.

What do you think?

I don't know.

Part of me wants to and part of me doesn't.

Which part has the wallet?

Stephen, do you realize I hold in my hand the power to take a human life?

What you're holding is the power to save a life.

Put it down, anyway.

Honey, if somebody broke into the house right now, we wouldn't be helpless.

That's important.

I know that, but it's like the time your father sent us that moose head for our

anniversary. It's just not us.

We're not going to hang the gun over the fireplace.

Not hang the moose head there either.

Let's not get into that argument again. I was wrong about the moose head. Let it

stay in Alex's room.

Okay. All I'm saying is that we're going to put the gun in a drawer and forget

about it.

Are you with me on this?

I'm willing to try.

I'll keep the gun in my drawer.

We'll keep the bullets in yours.

Well, here I go.

picking up the gun.

I've got the gun, and I'm taking it to the dresser, opening the drawer, and

I'm putting the gun inside, closing the drawer.

Put the bullets away for me. My God, Alicia, come and kill me!

Bullets are only dangerous when they come directly out of a gun.

Okay, now I'll tell the kids.

You don't have to tiptoe, Stephen. Guns don't go off by themselves.

You make a lousy defense lawyer.

Alex, Mallory, Jeff... Hi, Dad.

Hi. Um, we were just coming up to... Can't you both goodnight?

We haven't even had dinner yet.

We might forget.

We didn't want to take any chances. Why don't you come on in? We wanted to talk

to you anyway.

Yeah, we thought something was up when you two snuck up here with that package

and shut the door.

Kids.

What you are about to see is strictly off -limits to all of you.

And if you weren't mature enough, I wouldn't let you see it at all.

When did you start wearing colored underwear, Dad?

But don't touch that stuff either.

Wow, a gun. Can I take that to school for show and tell?

Absolutely not. You're never to touch it.

We only showed it to you because we didn't want you to stumble upon it by

accident. But we trust you enough to know that you'll leave it alone.

I don't get it. I thought you two were against guns.

Come over here and sit down. We'll try and explain it to you.

This isn't going to require another family meeting, is it?

No, no, no. Look, Mommy and I love you very much.

And we'll do whatever we have to to make sure you're safe.

We'd be a lot happier if there were no such things as guns in the world, but we

can't ignore them.

If a gun will keep someone from hurting us, then we'll have to make that

concession. We still believe in everything we've always believed in. We

changed. The world has changed.

Do you understand?

Is that the biggest gun they had?

Would you prefer a flamethrower and some grenades?

I think we should just try and put the guns...

out of our mind. I mean, hopefully we'll never have to take it out of the

drawer, so let's just forget it's there. Okay?

Yeah.

Okay. What do you say we go downstairs and eat?

Yeah. Ray, what are we having?

Hamburgers on sesame seed guns.

Going hunting?

Thought you were asleep.

Steven, you've been up four times to check the gun. I don't think it's going

anywhere. I'm sorry, honey.

Just making me a little nervous.

You think mothballs are bad for the gun?

They are, but we'll just shoot them all.

I don't know, Leif. Ever since the robbery, I've been a little extra

It's affected us all.

I haven't just been worrying about the gun, either.

I checked the kid six times tonight.

Checked the car.

One of the tires was low.

Plants are holding.

I'm worried about Alex, too.

Sleeping all the way over at Jimmy Barkham's house.

The bargain clip next door.

Let's not split hairs, Elise. He's not in his bed.

Get some rest, sweetie.

You know

what I admire most about you, Elise?

My incomparable charm and beauty your ability to fall asleep in any situation

That was my next guess What was that I don't know

live here, remember?

And you're supposed to be at Jimmy's.

We had a big fight over Social Security.

It was for it.

I felt I couldn't compromise my principles and stay there.

I dropped some things in the closet. I hope I didn't wake you. Wake us?

Alex, you scared us to death. We thought you were a prowler.

If you hadn't spoken up, I might have... Challenged me to a game of tennis?

Where is the gun, Stephen?

I went to get it. I opened the drawer. I even picked it up.

I just couldn't do it.

I guess I was just afraid somebody would get hurt.

I know, and I love you for it.

So do I.

Listen, this whole thing is shaking me up a little bit, so if you don't mind, I

need a drink.

Yeah, I think the scotch is... Wait a minute.

flip that one by you.

Is it safe to come down now?

Yeah, yeah, it's safe. It was just Alex.

Is this you, Dad?

No. No, there's going to be no shooting in this house. No guns.

We're taking it back in the morning. Right, Elise?

Right. When you believe in something as long as we have, it can't change

overnight. I know. I realized that the minute I picked up the gun.

Guns have no place in our lives. We've worn out too many pairs of sneakers

trying to get people to put guns down.

I have to admit, I haven't felt real comfortable since we've had it in the

house. Guns aren't the right image for you guys anyway.

Don't you guys still believe that all you need is love?

Careful, Jennifer. Don't get them started.

Do you remember when we saved that anti -war sit -in on the steps of the Justice

Department? Too late there. Back in the 60s.

Of course I remember. That was a great day. We beat the National Guard 6 -1 in

the Frisbee tournament.

That's fine, Jennifer.

Hey, look on the bright side.

At least it's not that story of how they danced naked in the rain at Woodstock.

Do you remember what you said to me just before they took us all away?

You said, the day I pick up a weapon against another man is the day I admit

defeat as a human being.

I said that?

I think it was you.

Were you wearing a plaid shirt?

I'm teasing.

I know it was you.

But, you know, I remember thinking when you said that...

This guy is really deep.

Maybe a gun isn't the answer for us.

We'll probably still be scared for a while, but I'd rather live with that

than to live with a gun.

Me too. We'll just have to keep searching for the right thing for us.

Would you consider landmines in the front lawn?

No. We have maps.

How about bodyguards? Captain of the football team looks real strong.

Nice try.

You're b -

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.