Original subtitles

Heartbeat, why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

Heartbeat, why does a love chip stay in my memory?

This is Neville Sawyer, works manager at Shield Carpet.

I think there's an intruder on the premises.

What about this Miss World competition, eh?

That Miss Austria is a cracker. Some of us have better things to do with our

time. Like what?

What could be better than spending a few hours looking at the likes of her?

Seem better.

Oh, have you really?

Well, he sees me every day, don't you, Bernie?

Yeah, I agree with Gina. You don't have to leave Aidensfield to see good

-looking girls.

Well, either of those two girls over there could give her a run for her

Take your point, Gina. Yeah, those events are only about making money.

You know, you're right, Oscar.

Just give me a minute, will you?

Oh, Lord, now look where you've started.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I've spotted the gates unlocked on my way past.

And they'll have to leave, so I was locking myself.

Right. Let's take a look then, shall we?

First you take a heart.

Then you break a heart.

But before you do, you make it all for you.

Then you give it back.

You shouldn't do that.

What the...? So sorry, Mr Shields. I didn't realise it was you.

Working late, are we, sir?

I don't think that's any of your business, Constable.

I'm a young lady.

She's been helping you, has she?

Well? Oh, come on, Mike. These sergeant exams were your idea. All right, all

right. Don't rush me.

The definition of a game of chance is... Don't tell me,

don't tell me.

Here, I'll give you a grain mat to rest.

Thanks, love.

Is that a cup for me?

Kettle's still hot.

My chair.

Fun laugh night.

Got called out for suspected breaking at the carpet factory.

It's only the boss.

Up to no good with one of the girls.

Were you called to Massy? In manner of speaking. Why?

I thought the owner died about a month ago. This chap's his son.

And I can vouch for it, Trevor Shields is very much alive.

Trevor Shields?

Come back to claim his inheritance, has he? A friend of yours, is he, Al?

Trevor Shields was never any friend of mine.

Good to stay at a hotel.

You know I like to be here. It's a supervised thing.

Beats me why you bother. I can't stand this house. It's a lovely old house.

It's full of character.

That's what my father used to say.

Well, it's our house now.

What time will you be back?

I don't know. The place doesn't run itself, you know.

Morning. Morning.

Mr Shields? Yes?

I'm not sure if you'll remember me.

Celia Beresford.

I'm now president of Aidensfield WI. I hope this isn't an inconvenient moment.

Oh, come in.

Sorry about the mess. We're decorating.

You've done wonders with the place in such a short time.

Thank you.

It's getting there.

Actually, I have to confess, this isn't purely a social call.

Thing is, the committee have asked me to invite you to join us.

Well, I haven't really. We've always got room for a fresh face.

What do you say?

Do I have a choice?

What I want to know is, how are you going to pay for all these shenanigans?

Entry fees, Bernard.

How do you think they do it in Miss World?

They make a fortune.

What are you planning on holding it?

Village Hall, of course.

The Women's Institute monopolised that place. I'm not sure they'll be too keen.

Don't worry, Bernard.

Leave all that to me.

Just the email.

You said you'd see me after lunch, sir.

Well, I've drawn up a maintenance schedule.

Just leave it with me.

Some of these items are way overdue for attention.

Maybe if I went through them with you.

Sawyer, just get back to your work.

When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Alf?

Alf Ventress?

It's me, Ruth.

Ruth Thomas, that was.

Oh, don't say you've forgotten me.

No, I remember.

I'd heard you got back. Oh, it's lovely to see you again after all these years.

Still with the force, I see.

Well, it's steady.

It suits me.

And you never moved on.

Well, I was never one for change.

Not like you. You always had your sights set higher.

Well, I'd best get back to work.

Bye. Bye.

So, what do you think?

A beauty pageant would take a great deal of organising.

Ah, yes, but that's where I come in. I could take over all that.

It could be a nice little earner for your organisation.

That sounds almost too good to be true.

Well, there is the question of my fee.

A percentage of the proceeds?

Negotiable, of course.

Well, it's not up to me.

I think you should put it to the members.

Seven o 'clock this evening, they'll all be here.

Did you transfer that money from your account this morning? Of course I did.

Right. OK.

I'll be off.

Well, I hope it goes well.

Boring business meeting, darling. You know what they're like.

See you later. Yes.

Don't wait up.

Before I put this item to the vote, I will ask Mr Vernon Scripps to address

meeting.

Thank you, Madam Chairman.

They didn't...

Ladies and ladies, the reason I've been called here tonight... This so -called

beauty pageant is nothing more than an excuse for young women to flaunt their

bare flesh.

My dear madam, they will be wearing swimming costumes at the very least. The

whole idea is disgusting.

Oh, come on, Joyce.

It's a new idea. Why not give it a chance? I'll tell you what it is. It's a

scandal. And I don't about anybody else, but I, for one, think it's the role of

the WI to uphold standards of decency.

That's up to the members to decide. You will get your opportunity to vote on

this matter. Now, if Mr Scripps can be allowed to continue.

Very well. But I'm warning you, I won't let this pass.

Well, I think that went down rather well, don't you?

I hope so. When Joyce gets a B in her bonnet... Oh, don't worry about her.

She'll be all right.

I think we ought to discuss money.

I was thinking 20%. Oh, sounds very reasonable.

I'm sure your committee will find something useful to do with that.

As your fee, Mr. Scripps.

Yes, well, it wouldn't be worth my while at that. Not with my overheads and

expenses and things. Well, if you can't do it. Oh, no, no, no. I'm sure we can

come to some arrangements.

I'm sure we can.

Hello?

Yeah. Can I help you, madam?

I'd like to speak to someone in authority, please.

I appreciate your concern, Mrs. Jowett. I just don't know what you expect me to

do about it.

What I expect, Sergeant Craddock, is for you to do your duty.

As I've said before, this is not a police matter. Not a police matter?

So who is responsible for defending public decency?

Unless somebody has broken the law, there is nothing I can do.

Now, if you will excuse me, madam.

Yeah, I think probably Wednesday.

Yeah. About 20?

Yeah, no, no, I'm not worried about that.

Okay, all right, mate. Yeah.

Yeah. All right, mate. All right, mate. Bye -bye.

Sawyer!

I've been looking at your books.

Things have been allowed to really slide.

Your father was ill for a long time.

You were his works manager.

You're responsible for the mess things are in. So you can pick up your cards on

Friday, Sawyer.

You're fired.

Have you any idea what happened?

So sudden.

I, uh, I gather you're in charge here.

Neville Sawyer, works manager.

Who called you?

I don't know. I didn't receive the call.

Has he, uh, badly hurt?

It looks worse than it is, Mike.

Superficial cuts and bruises. They've all been very lucky.

I just don't understand how it could have happened.

Mike, I think this might be what we're looking for.

What the blazes has happened here?

Number three, Lou.

Just crushed.

More of your incompetence, no doubt. These machines are all in need of an

overhaul, but you wouldn't listen.

How dare you speak to me like that? All right, sir, I think that's enough. And

you are?

My name is Trevor Shields.

I own this place.

You can arrest him.

And why would I want to do that? He's wrecked my machine.

This wasn't my fault.

I gave him his marching orders this morning, and this is his way of getting

at me.

All right, sir.

I want this man off my premises.

I think you'd better come with me.

All right, come on, come on, back to work. There's no more to be seen here.

So, the metal bar we found, is that part of the machinery?

I don't know.

I'd have to see it properly.

Do we have it here at this bar? No, Sarge, the factory inspector's examining

Those machines are not maintained properly.

Oh, why not?

Shields would have the machine shut down, didn't want to lose capacity.

Well, maintenance would be done on weekends, surely.

He wouldn't pay all the time.

Sergeant, you don't have much respect for Mr Shields, do you?

He hasn't earned it.

Any news?

There's a witness.

Said he saw Sawyer by the machine a minute before it crashed.

We haven't got enough evidence to charge him.

Not yet, we don't.

Right, warn him and let him go.

Keep an eye on him.

Sawyer's a man with a grudge. Right, Sarge.

Oh, well done, Bernard. That looks very good. But can you keep the noise down?

Oh, well done, David. You've got the record player.

What about the records?

For goodness sake, David, have I got to do everything myself?

Celia Beresford said I'd find you here.

Oh, charmed.

Look, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I'm afraid we're only taking entries

from single ladies. I'm sorry.

I'm not a contestant.

You're not? No.

Celia thought my experience might be useful.

What experience?

I'm a former Miss York more years ago than I care to remember.

Oh, well, the catwalk looks promising.

Yes, well, I'm sure you mean well, Mrs... Shields? Ruth Shields?

How many dressing rooms have you got?

Dressing rooms?

Have they got plenty of mirrors?

Mirrors? Oh, yes, yes, they will. We haven't actually finalised all the

arrangements yet. Oh, I'm sure you've got everything in hand.

Of course.

Who is your master ceremonist? Oh, well, that's my area of expertise.

And you'll be perfect.

Who's judging?

Well, maybe you would do us the honour, Mrs Shields. I'd be delighted, but we

need two.

Two.

Oh, yes, the other will be my brother, Bernard.

Well?

Well, we didn't have enough evidence to charge him.

He has a motive, revenge, but there's something about Shields that I don't

trust.

Keep your helmet, John. You need some more exercise.

Are you going somewhere?

Something I've got to look into.

Craddock know about it?

No. Don't tell him either.

Any clues?

Uh...

Well, that piece of metal that jammed the machine, it looks like it came from

that safety rail up there.

The old thing looks a bit dodgy.

Mind you, so does everything else, doesn't it?

Well, well.

Look who it is.

Still plodding the beat off for all these years.

But then you never were very ambitious, were you?

P .T.

Ventress.

I have my moments.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to have a look at your safety records.

You leave matters of safety to your work manager, do you?

That's what I pay him for.

Any objections?

No, I'm perfectly happy about that.

But Mr Sawyer does report his findings to you.

I monitor his reports, of course.

It's just this entry here, see?

Apparently, Mr Sawyer reported on the condition of the safety rails and the

gantries to you earlier this week.

I haven't had time to read it yet.

And last week.

And the week before.

It's been reported to you at least three times. In my opinion, it didn't rate as

a priority.

The condition of a worn safety rail wasn't a priority.

Don't take that tone with me, Constable. I'm the one who's a victim here. It

could cost me a great deal of money.

What if it had been one of your workers that ended up in the machine instead of

a lump of metal?

I reckon that you got off pretty lightly.

It's Sawyer who has been putting people's lives at risk by sabotaging my

machine. Now, why aren't you questioning him?

Don't fret yourself.

We'll get to the bottom of it.

What? Thank you, and I'll give you some change.

There we are. And you want two tickets for you? There we are.

And two for you.

There, that's that.

Do you know, I'm in danger of being swamped. David, here.

Start filling them in, will you?

Well, can't Mr Scripps do this? He's good with...

People? Not with live ones, he isn't.

It's all right, they won't bite.

What

is

your name?

Cheryl Turner.

What is your age?

21.

Have you got a swimsuit?

Oh, yeah.

When I came past the village hall, there were girls queuing halfway across the

road.

What am I missing?

A chance to be the next Miss Aidensfield if you don't get your skates on.

What, me?

You've got to be kidding.

Don't do yourself down, Gina. You've been with a very good chance.

Don't be daft.

You'd win, hands down.

Yeah, I know.

You're not really thinking of going in for it, though, are you?

Well, I thought about it, you know, but then I decided it'd only be fair to give

someone else a chance.

That is the devil's work, young man.

No, I'm doing it for Mr. Vernon.

There.

And I'll take these as well.

I've been trying to reach you. I know the village about an accident.

It's been tied up all day.

People are saying the factory's been put down.

I've got no choice.

The inspector's left me a lift as long as my armour thinks to correct.

No wonder you look exhausted.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

If it's money you need, you only have to ask.

All my life I've been calling to people for money. First father, then you.

Whatever I have, I've always thought of it to know.

Nothing to hold over me, more like.

I've never begrudged you a penny.

Well, if this deal comes off, I'll have money of my own.

What deal?

I'm going to have a bath.

Right, now, you know what you're going for?

A nice cup for the winner.

Now, see what we've got.

And don't spend too much. I won't change.

Any job?

I still think you'd be better off going to a gentleman's outfitters.

This is the best I can do.

You'll have to take it or leave it.

What do you think?

Well, you look a lot better than the last chap who wore it.

I can't wear this.

I'll go and check. See if there's a smaller one for you.

OK.

What do you think?

Do you really want to know?

Here you go, Phil. A mock exam paper.

Oh, no, Mike, I'm sorry.

I've had it with these sergeant exams.

Oh, yeah? Come on, let's put that on.

There's no time for studying.

Too busy studying girls.

Isn't that right, Phil?

This has got nothing to do with you.

Aye, let him be.

They can't all be geniuses like you.

Astrid Lee Police Station.

Really?

Right, go straight down there.

That was Shields. He's got a riot outside his factory gate.

You're making a bit of a habit of this.

There, there shouldn't be a scar.

I wouldn't have minded.

A little scar might make more attractive for women.

Not to this one.

You know, I wonder if I should have sent you for an x -ray after all.

Why? Just to check if there's anything in there.

You ought to smile more often, you know.

It hurts you.

I can't believe anyone still uses that line.

Well, glad to see you're no longer giving cause for concern.

No concussion? No need for stitches?

Great. Well, I'll take him away, then.

Please do.

Thanks.

Hello again, Al.

Are you coming to join the WI? No.

I've come to pick up Mrs Ventress.

My wife.

She didn't want to walk home after the trouble at the factory.

No, it's awful, that, isn't it? It's not exactly good publicity if you're

selling the place.

Selling the place?

Well, that's when it happened.

After the for -sale notice went up.

Well, hadn't Trevor mentioned it to you?

There are a lot of things Trevor doesn't mention to me.

Well, I'll be seeing you.

Oh, that's very good, David.

Do you know, I knew I could rely on you.

Where's my change?

How did you manage that?

Well, I found it in the back of a cupboard.

I don't recognise it.

Well, I need a bit of a clean up.

Lurcher Challenge Cup 30.

It's from a flaming dog show!

Well, Alfred won't mind.

Oh. Right.

Now, about the incident yesterday.

We soon got it under control, Sergeant. Yes, I appreciate that.

However, I'm concerned that things could flare up again.

Well, the protesters seem peaceful enough now.

Perhaps. But I won't risk a repeat of yesterday's insurgence.

You want us to go in and shift them, then, Sergeant?

No. But I do want a man on duty at the gates at all times.

Or quite on the Western Front.

No, they've had their fun.

What do you mean?

Shouting things going on.

They called me a capitalist poodle.

It's not funny.

Just remember what we practised. I

ask you a question and you answer it. It's no big deal, David.

Now, we're running out of time here.

You know what to do.

Well, come on!

And would you like to introduce yourself to the ladies and gentlemen?

I'm David Stockwell.

I should give up now if I were you.

Thank you, Bernard.

Don't mind me.

Let's carry on.

What a lovely name, David. And tell me, David, do you have any hobbies?

I enjoy baking and dressmaking.

I made this myself.

You look pretty as a picture in it.

Don't add lip, David.

Very interesting. And tell me, David, if you win tonight, what are your

ambitions as Miss Aidensfield?

I'd like to travel and work for charity.

Thank you, David.

Let's have a nice round of applause for David Stockwell.

Well, go on.

She'll make someone a very lovely wife.

Councillor Blitzen.

Mrs. Jarrett, what can I do for you?

You can do what you were elected to do, for a start.

Well, I'm always striving to do that, Mrs. Jarrett.

Don't come the innocent with me.

You've seen the posters.

I'm sorry you've lost me.

I would have thought that you, of all people, would have taken a stand against

this filth.

This wouldn't have anything to do with the beauty pageant, would it? Beauty?

There's nothing beautiful about naked flesh, Councillor.

Now, at a rate... I'm sure the WI wouldn't be supporting this event if it

weren't absolutely above board.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

This village used to be a respectable place.

I'll put a stop to it, with or without you.

Right, darling, I'm off.

Another business meeting?

Yeah. I wondered what excuse you'd come up with this time.

I suppose to know what you're talking about.

Come on, Trevor.

You're seeing another woman.

I know the sign.

I haven't known enough practice.

All right.

Yes.

I am seeing somebody else.

Oh.

Who is it this time?

Not that it matters, but somebody who works for me. Why am I not surprised?

And how did she take it, your friend, you putting her out of a job?

I'm leaving you, Ruth.

How many times have I heard that one? And this time I'm going to be free of

Because this time I'm going to have my own money from the sale of the business.

I've given you... The best years of your life.

Yes, Ruth.

I'd have to agree with you on that.

So I'm trading you in for a newer model.

Evening, sir.

Looking late again, I was.

I'll tell you what, Bernard.

I think this little venture of ours could be the start of something big.

Oh, yes.

I can see it all.

Miss Yorkshire, Miss United Kingdom, even.

I can see a glittering career in promotions for us.

Oh, I can see empty glasses.

Oh, I...

Do us the honours, will you, David?

Here.

Ta.

You know, if we get this going within six minutes... Yes, David.

There we go, Mr Blaketon.

We could have the corner on the beauty pageant market for this country. Are you

all right, David?

In a couple of years, who knows?

America, South America.

You know, the whole of Asia. I mean, beautiful girls. You'll raise your look

just think of the fun you'll have.

We've all gone home, love.

As soon as the rain started.

Right.

Thanks.

All right, have I used your facilities, mate?

You're through there.

I suppose you could do us a quick bacon butcher to take out.

Aye, go on, then.

And 14 shillings and three. Well done, Bernard. Keep it going. Now, Mr Biggley,

how many for you?

Two. Right, there we are, David. You sort that out.

Hey, Vernon, make sure you put one of those aside for me.

Well, I can't promise anything, mate. They're going like off cakes here.

You know, I'll be glad when this beauty pageant's over and done with.

Oh, yeah? Why's that then, Oscar?

You know, this afternoon I was accosted by this woman hearing me on pub.

You're a right one for the ladies, Oscar.

Not funny, Gina.

She accused me of corrupting young girls.

You haven't, have you?

Very funny.

She wants the council to put a stop to this project.

The woman wasn't Joyce Jarrett by any chance?

Yeah, do you know her? She's been plaguing Craddock. She's been on to the

the Bishop, just about everybody.

Yeah, I saw her in the library this afternoon.

Bending the librarians here.

What was she doing there?

I don't know.

She didn't get what she was looking for, though. The librarian said she'd have

to go back tomorrow.

Well, thank goodness she's found something else to occupy her time.

Mr. Shields?

You alright?

Mr. Shields?

Right,

thank you.

Shields.

Still unconscious, but the doctors reckon he'll pull through.

That is good news.

What?

Well, glad for his wife's sake.

You don't like Shields very much, do you?

Well, let's just say he's not my Mr Popularity any more than he's anyone

Somebody's certainly got their revenge.

So you've not had a chance to question Mr Shields? No, Sarge. The doctors say

could be any time.

It's a bit odd, isn't it? Shields been up at the factory that hour?

Well, it seems he'd gone back to catch up on some paperwork.

Oh, yes, of course.

Now, Mr Shields is in the habit of working late, isn't he?

Anne Maureen Felton was there again last night. Tom saw her going into the

building just before the incident.

And she's been in the cell all night, you say?

Yes. Well, I think it's about time we had a word or two with Miss Felton,

you?

You were seen at the factory last night.

I didn't do it.

I hear you're in the habit of late -night visits to the factory, Miss

did go to the factory, but I never saw him.

Your bud in Sherlock Holmes soon put a stop to that, as I'm sure he'll tell

What he told us, Miss Felton, is that he saw you outside the building minutes

before Mr. Shields' accident.

Lover's tiff, was it? You'd better start telling the truth.

I know how this looks, but I swear I never hurt Trevor.

Why would I want to?

That's precisely what I want to know.

I admit I was there.

This... then you should know her.

Good. At last we're getting somewhere.

Bring our friend Mr Sawyer in, will you? Sarge?

Nicholson, I want you to go to the hospital. As soon as Shields regains

consciousness, I want a statement. Understood? Right, Sarge.

So, where were you last night between six and eleven?

I told you.

I was at home in front of the telly with a bottle of stout.

Can anyone verify that?

No. Oh, dear.

I hear you and Miss Felton were engaged to be married.

Until Trevor Shields came along.

More than enough reason for wanting him out the way, I'd say.

To say nothing of the fact that he gave you the thack three days ago.

One of my constables says you're partial to late -night visits to the factory.

Right, all right. Yes, I did go there that one night.

I followed her there.

I called the police because I wanted to catch them at it, make it public.

I thought Shields had finished with her. But it didn't work, did it?

Look, he's arrogant.

He put lots of people out of work.

He's humiliated me and accused me of malicious damage.

He's cheated on his wife with my fiance.

How am I supposed to feel?

Any change?

I'm afraid not.

Excuse me, whose is that umbrella?

Oh, it's Mr Shields, his wife.

She left it here.

Is there a telephone I could use?

Yes, there is, if you follow me.

Until we can talk to Shields, all we've got on Sawyer is motive.

And what about Shields' fancy woman?

Well, she's admitted to sabotaging the factory machine and then calling the

police. Apparently, Sawyer was happening her so much that she was desperate to

get rid of him.

So she framed him.

We've charged her with malicious damage.

Ashfordly Police.

Yes, Tom.

Right.

I see.

No.

Leave it to me.

I'll talk to her.

You know what to do. Go down the end, do a twirl, come back.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have the lovely Anna, who tells me... David,

keep the music going.

Oh!

Anna tells me she was runner -up in the recent Miss Etton Bridge Carnival.

And there's also a leading light in the Glazedale Young Fathers. Well done.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, a lady who needs no introduction, our old

fishmonger's daughter, Gloria Threlfall.

Now, it says here Gloria's vital statistics are 36, 25, 37.

And she can fillet a stone of fish in three minutes flat. What an achievement.

Mr Vernon.

Not now, David. I'm busy.

Just come down there, my love. Thank you.

Now then, and our next contestant, of course, ladies and gentlemen, needs no

introduction. She's a very lovely girl we all know very well.

What is it?

I can't make it from Mrs Shields. She says that something's cropped up and she

can't do our judging for us tonight.

Oh, flaming marvellous. Where am I going to find another judge at this time?

Going somewhere?

You were at the factory last night.

You'd better tell me what happened.

He said he was leaving me.

Going off with some girl from the factory.

Well, he'd had affairs before, but at the time it was different.

We had a row, he stormed out, and I followed him to the factory.

I wanted to talk to him, get him to change his mind.

I'm afraid I got rather upset.

I begged him.

And then?

He wouldn't listen.

He thought nothing to hate me.

So you pushed him?

No.

I started walking away and I tried to stop him.

He slipped.

My handrail broke.

It was an accident.

I knew he was hurt.

But I was afraid.

I knew what it looked like.

And that young policeman came and I panicked.

What'll happen now?

You'll have to make a statement.

After that, if you've been telling the truth, you shouldn't have anything to

worry about.

You do believe me, don't you, Alf?

Yes.

For what it's worth, I do.

But what if he dies? Who'll believe me then?

Do you have to tell them, Alf?

Please, for old times' sake.

They... By the time you got here, I'd already left.

No, I can't do that.

No, of course not.

You have to do your job.

Always did come first with you, didn't it, Alf?

We're not open yet.

I don't want to drink.

I need to ask you a favour, Oscar.

I'm in a bit of a pickle.

One of the judges for the beauty pageant has let me down.

What's that got to do with me?

I was wondering if you could do it.

Step into Mrs.

Shields' shoes, in a manner of speaking.

Me? Why me?

Because, as a pillar of the local community, I can't think of anyone

qualified.

Well, as it's for the good of the village, I'll consider it my duty to...

Step into the breach.

Give over, Oscar.

Wild daughters wouldn't keep you away.

So, Mr Shields has confessed.

Well, she maintains it was an accident.

We'll be able to corroborate her story when Mr Shields regains consciousness.

It's a sordid business.

And Sawyer's in the clear. Seems so, Sarge.

Ironically, if Mr Shields had listened to Mr Sawyer's safety recommendations,

might not have fallen through the gantry rail in the first place.

Right, thank you, Brodie.

Hello.

Oh.

Put her through, will you?

Ah, Mrs. Jowett.

Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for.

Now, it's not been an easy task, but the judges have finally made their

decision.

It gives me great pleasure to announce the winner of this year's Miss

Aidensfield competition.

Excuse me. I'm stopping these proceedings.

What? This gathering is in breach of a bylaw.

What flaming bylaw?

The bylaw passed in 1788.

Constable?

This bylaw forbids, and I quote...

any form of lewd, debauched and lascivious entertainment within the

boundaries.

I've never heard of this so -called bylaw. What's going on? Is this right,

My hands are tied, Vernon.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave the

parish hall. Why?

I'm sorry, ladies.

Cheer up, Mike. It wasn't your fault.

I should have known Craig was going to leave me to do his dirty work. Here, get

that down you.

Cheers, Gina.

It's not your fault you ruined the pageant.

Where were you, anyway?

Down the hospital.

Pity she didn't come round earlier. Obviously missed a bit of a laugh.

Who won, anyway, Oscar?

Oh, I think the less said about that, the better, eh, Bernie?

Poor Vernon. Has anyone seen him?

Last I saw, he was making refunds to a crowd of angry mothers.

I'll have a large scotch, Gina.

Are you sure you can afford it? You know, you're such a wag, Oscar.

Never mind, Verner. At least you tried lightening the village up.

Aye, at my expense, as usual.

I'm down to me last flipping two quid. You owe me more than that for material.

Oh, thank you, dear brother of mine.

Well, that's the life of the entrepreneur. One minute you're up, and

Yes, well, if I don't see another beauty pageant for the next hundred years,

it'll be too soon.

Mr Vernon?

What do you want me to do with these?

Don't tempt me.