Original subtitles

"You cut down trees to build institutions for people driven insane by not seeing trees."

Once upon a time in Jaligny-sur-Besbre there was a "bredin" named Goubi.

A "bredin" is a Bourbon-era term for a simple-minded yet poetic type...

...we now call a crackpot, dummy, or the village idiot.

MAYOR OF JALIGNY If I'd known I was going to be live on camera...

...I would 've worn my scarf.

Just what are we talking about?

Oh, yes... about the idiot.

Of course, Jaligny isn't the only place with idiots.

You'll find idiots everywhere.

If my program had been followed in '49...

there'd have been stadiums, schools... and less idiots.

We'd have scholars and athletes like in "It's a Knockout" on TV.

THE MAYOR'S DAUGHTER A idiot is...

It's like a...

I don't really know.

A idiot is someone who can't explain themselves.

GOUBI'S BOSS The thing that's lacking, is money.

Some nasty people say I take advantage of Goubi...

because I don't pay him.

Paying takes cash.

My land doesn't produce enough to cover it.

Jean-Marie Laprune... at your service!

I guess I'm just too much of a good guy...

I'm too kind-hearted.

I'm always ready to help.

Lucky for Goubi... He's got ME.

I'm his guardian angel.

His nice nanny!

Look what happened just now.

He'd just left his bike lying around.

So it was up to me to tidy it out of the way!

Some folk are so big-hearted...

We can walk in without knocking.

Some folk are so big-hearted...

We see but half of what they do.

There are some who are so faint-hearted...

They're just a pushover.

There are those who are

So faint-hearted...

That to live like you and me...

They have think well of everyone.

The only fear

is to lose time

on the ride

to Paris!

There are some who wear their heart on their sleeve...

And have nothing else to offer.

Such a proffered heart...

is there for all to use.

This man here, has such a heart...

So frail and so tender...

Cursed be any so hard

They would not respond to it.

To think well of everyone...

The only fear...

Of losing time...

On the ride...

To Paris!

Hi there!

Hi guys!

- How are you? - Fine... you?

Fine.

Here, I got you this.

Look, Charlotte...

The Eiffel Tower!

Oh...

Isn't it beautiful?

When I go up to Paris...

that's where I'll live...

Right at the top of the thermometer...

or in that goddamn church...

that I can never remember the name of.

You know the one...

That church you brought me in a glass ball...

...with snow falling down.

- The Sacr�-C�ur. - That's the one!

Sacr�-C�ur, and the Eiffel Tower.

They'll be my 2 homes.

I'll invite you all every Sunday. Maybe Bertha, too.

But none of the others... that's for sure!

They're just dumb hicks!

- So when are you going to Paris? - Any of your business?

I keep in touch.

Olympia phones me every day.

I keep my bike ready... just in case.

What are you going to do in Paris?

I'll play on the steel drum... I'll ride on the subway...

and I'll dine with Marshal Joffre.

If you and Bertha don't front up to the mayor...

there's sure to be an accident.

Why would anyone want to front up to Patouilloux?

To say "yes", of course.

That mayor couldn't give a damn...

whether you said "yes" or said "no".

You ought to be marrying Bertha before she has a baby.

And from the way you obviously look at her...

that may not be far off.

Goodness me!

Just from looking at her? Is that so?!

It's the easiest way!

I'd like to speak to the mayor.

I'd like to speak to the mayor.

Yes?

- Hello, sir. - Hello.

I need to see you, sir.

Is it all that urgent? What is it?

It's just that... I want to get married.

That's a nice idea.

Might I ask who with?

Yes. With Bertha.

That's interesting.

Fine!

We'll discuss this again some day.

In a few months... or a few years.

You need to think about it carefully.

But if I think about it too long...

I'd be afraid our little one'd be at the wedding, in uniform.

What little one?

Bertha's and my little one.

All kidding aside, Goubi... What are you trying to tell me?!

I'm telling you that big-boy Goubi has made your daughter pregnant.

You stupid bastard... You've done no such thing!

Tell me that's untrue before I knock your block off!

Promise me you're lying!

It's as true as true can be.

You filthy bastard!

If this is true, I'll take a rifle and shoot Bertha...

...then you... and then myself!

Population cleansing!

Just how did this idiocy happen?

According to Jean-Marie, I have dangerous eyes.

Just from looking at Bertha... I've looked a bit too hard...

...and bang! That's how it happened.

Great!

I'd better get some dark glasses!

Listen, Goubi...

...maybe you'll have a baby some day.

Bertha too.

But not necessarily together.

Anyway, it's not happening just now.

Really?

Get off to work and forget all this.

I'll speak to Bertha... She'll be sorry.

I guess so.

I would have liked to have a little one.

I really would.

I would've bought a lovely baby carriage...

and walked it around.

Then when he grew up, he could've taught me to read.

Yes.

In the meantime I'll have words with that idiot Jean-Marie!

What's up?

I'm really sad.

Listen carefully, Charlotte...

Paris is the Eiffel Tower...

the Sacr�-C�ur.

I'm letting you in on the secret because...

I know that you understand everything.

And then anyway, you...

...you're the only one who listens to me.

If you could talk, you'd say to me...

"You're the great Goubi! The Parisian!"

Because you're the only one who knows, right?

As well as the only one who loves me.

It's true. The others don't love anything or anyone.

Hi, guys!

I'm going to Bourlier's, in Thionne. Can you drop me off?

- Hop in. - Stay here, Charlotte.

Come on, we're in a hurry.

Charlotte, either stay here or go home!

See this? I carry it all the time.

Would you like to see the real one?

That'd be a holy event!

It'll happen one day.

Thanks, boys!

What are you doing? Not going to Paris anymore?

We're going to have a drink.

I'll buy you one.

If I'd come by bike, I'd still be peddling.

Shit! How am I going to get home?

Take the bus.

I'm not really dressed for the bus.

I'll just go see Bourlier.

I'll see you at Dudulle's.

- Howdy, bumpkins! - Howdy, slickers! 2 whites?

3. Goubi's joining us.

I haven't missed him.

He's not bad, that idiot of yours.

Saturday before last...

After one glass he was banging on a steel drum like crazy.

After 2 glasses, he was asleep.

He woke up next morning in the gutter.

P... P, A ... "PA."

R... R, I ... "RI."

Paris!

Add some cognac?

Some calvados.

Finish off with a sweetener.

He could really wake up somewhere else!

Hi, Dudulle! Goubi has arrived!

- The great Goubi of Paris! - Have drink.

- What is it? - A cocktail.

- It's all the rage in Paris. - Oh, yeah?

Easy to drink, isn't it?

More of a woman's drink.

He only drinks water at Catolle's.

He works like a slave. Don't know how he stands it.

It's terrible, the way he's treated.

- So what are you going to do? - Let him see the world.

By the time we've finished in Paris, he'll have seen the world.

He'll stop taking about it and he'll know a thing or two!

Open up!

- Toss him onto the cabbages. - Not very clean!

- They've been hosed. - HE hasn't!

Hey, Goubi!

You've arrived.

Arrived where?

This can't be the Moulins market!

You're in Paris!

You're terrible liars.

I say! Did you hear that, Ernest?.

I said you were both terrible liars.

Because I know Paris better than anybody.

And the proof is... Where's the Eiffel Tower?

We'll go back by the Field-of-Mars park and show it to you.

I know all about fields.

Father Catolle has a field, so does Mayor Patouilloux.

So your Mars one won't teach me anything new.

I'm not interested in seeing a field...

I want to see the Eiffel Tower.

We're at the markets... The tower's never been here!

Let's finish unloading. You can help.

Good Lord! Now I see this can't be the Moulins market.

Got to give you a big kiss, guys!

- So you're happy now? - Super dooper happy!

Only problem... how I'm dressed.

OK for Dudulle's caf�... But for Paris...

Tomorrow I'm going to buy a hat.

And the day after tomorrow, an apartment?

Let's finish unloading... we'll grab a bite to eat and get back.

But nothing will happen for me.

What will I tell Father Catolle and The Plum?

- They'll never believe me. - What is it you expect to happen?

The same as for other people.

I don't know what. Nothing's ever happened.

Make yourself useful... Put that in the cab.

I'm starting to sweat already. Off you go!

Stop!

Ernest!

Jules! Ernest!

Hey, Ernest!

What happened to our idiot?

He's not here.

Goubi!

Ernest!

Jules!

Hey, boys!

Goubi!

- What an idiot! - Totally!

What if we can't find him?

Damn! He can't have got far.

Hey fellas!

Don't hide... I'll find you.

- Where are the Grafouill�res brothers? - Down the end on the right.

No beggars in here!

I didn't get 3 stars for being a rescue mission!

Get out!

Whats up daddy-o?... Don't know which light is which?

What lights?

Get in, and I'll explain.

It's a lovely car, eh?

You like it?

Like to take a drive in the woods?

Oh, woods... I've enough of them at home.

I've come to Paris for something else.

I live in the Eiffel Tower...

...and I'm as cunning as a fox!

That's not all of it...

If you talk about what you want to happen...

you could make lights happen, couldn't you?

I see!

When it's green, the cars can go.

When it's red...

...the pedestrians go.

- And when it's blue? - It's never blue.

That'd be nice though, wouldn't it?

That's true... it would.

I just hadn't thought about it.

So... red, I go.

Green, I don't go. Red, I don't go.

Green, I go.

Hey... listen...

How about we talk about this at my place?

Why? Are there lights at your place?

No but... Are you for real, or are you kidding me?

Because the joke's wearing a bit thin.

Oh? well... I'd like some information, please.

- Do you know the Grafouill�res brothers? - The who?

The Grafouill�res. Ernest and Jules.

They have a big red truck.

That's it... scram!

They brought me from Jaligny... and they've lost me.

They'll be congratulating themselves, and so will I!

Hop out!

You were more friendly when you wanted to take me home.

I just asked you politely about the Grafouill�res...

Please! I'm fed up with this!

There you are...

Ask the keeper over there.

Mr Gamekeeper, would you have seen the Grafouill�res?

- What did you just say? - Ernest and Jules Grafouill�res.

No. Before. You called me Mr what?

We're gonna get an earful over this!

But we gotta make a decision.

We've made our delivery. We can't hang around forever.

You know what they're like in Jaligny... They're gonna give us hell.

Who got him drunk at Dudulle's?

- Me? - I don't know why I don't...

Hang on... I've got it...

What if we just said that he was stolen from us?

If we reported it... That'd be believable.

Go.

Green... go.

Red... go. Green...? Green... go.

Small coffee and a Vittel.

You break me up, Fleur.

You're not gonna leave the game!?... A top girl like you...

I'm always singing your praises.

It's our game

that's the problem.

It's being eaten up by TV.

So how does TV hurt us?

Hurt us?

The guy leaves work and just races home to watch TV.

The dope watches everything!

During the so-called 5 nations tournament...

...did you see any johns out on the street?

If it isn't the rugby...

it's cycling... if it isn't cycling...

it's horse-racing..

Today's john...

spends most of his time with the airwaves...

with their sporting heroes.

Let's change the subject.

I did some shopping for you...

I found your eudimions...

and your pelagoniums..

Not the others.

My verbascum thapsus? At least my petunias?

Out of stock.

I'm not surprised.

Soon, there'll be no flowers at all.

Because there won't be any soil left. Just concrete.

No grass, no forests... Just roads.

But there won't be any people there, anyway.

They'll all be sitting in front of TV.

Red... I go.

Green... I go.

Red... I go.

Red... I go.

Mr Grafouill�res... you're a troublemaker!

Pulling a lightning strike? Well done!

30 tons of meat sitting here...

when they're dying of hunger in Chandannagar,

Hurray!

Mr Grafouill�res, you're a troublemaker...

and your offsiders are just brain-dead!

You seem to forget, my friends, that you are only employees.

The most vulnerable people in the capitalist world.

The power of the unemployed?!

Unemployment? How about it?!

Unemployment and its attendant miseries.

- Did you think about that? - No, Mr Dessertine!

No more little car.

No more holiday in Crotoy.

No more bets on the horses!

Therefore, if you have any claims...

put it in writing and I'll stick it in the basket. Got it?

- Yes, Mr Dessertine. - So get back to work!

Hang on, boys... I'm here!

You'd play a great game, Grafouill�res... You're the right build.

He's not the right one.

I know that's not his name, because I know them.

What's that?!

Throw this moron out. Toss him down a manhole...

out of sight.

You wouldn't bash an orphan?

Would you?!

It's always the same. I get hit, because I'm on welfare.

Stop!

Stop, you killers.

You really are disgusting!

You're on welfare, my boy?

- Yes, Mr Mayor. - So am I!

You could be my brother!

Stop shaking... I'll protect you!

I'll be your shield. We shall be as one!

- What's your name. - Goubi. From Jaligny, in Allier.

Well, Goubi...

My name is L�on Dessertine.

What are you waiting for down there... A clip on the ear?

Like you, I started from nothing.

Today I'm The Meat King.

People fear me, with good reason.

I give them a hard time... I lead by the whip!

- Which ones? - All of them!

Because, you see, there's us... the little people on welfare...

The others... the useless ones... the extras!

A holy war rages between them and us.

It will finish in bloodshed!

- I never knew. - Yes, it's true.

Let's talk about YOU, my dear boy.

Why did you leave Allier? Isn't it beautiful country?

I came to see the Eiffel Tower and Sacr�-C�ur.

Where are you sleeping?

I don't know yet... Maybe at the Eiffel Tower.

Do you have any money?

No! Don't do that, Mr Mayor.

I'm not a beggar. I'm an agricultural worker!

I never took a cent from anyone...

...even when I work. - You're an honest man, Goubi.

But you should go back to Allier.

No...

Something has to happen to me first.

- So I can talk about it back home. - What?

I've no idea... just something.

Things can happen to you in Paris...

...but things you wouldn't like at all. - Really?

Take this card, and don't lose it!

Fine... But I don't read very well.

In fact, not at all.

What's it say on the card?

If you get in the shit, it show's I'm your friend.

- Who'd get me into the shit? - Shitty people.

The ones who can't get on welfare.

You see that caf�?

I asked about the Grafouill�res there and they threw me out.

If you're hungry or need money... go there on me.

I have to go to Field-of-Mars.

Do you know how to find it?

No, but I'm as cunning as a fox.

It's best you take a cab... Come with me.

Marcel! Drive the gentlemen to Field-of-Mars.

That isn't a Citro�n Goddess, is it?

- Yes... Is that a problem? - No. Super-dooper!

- I want to buy one. - That's possible.

They'll pay you at the office.

Alright, Mr Dessertine.

Thank you Mr Mayor.

Off you go my boy... And don't forget...

...if anyone bothers you, come and ask for me at the markets.

I'm like a torturer of old...

I'll pounce on them, crush them, have their balls!

I'll smash their heads in!

Goodbye, my boy.

That's a good start... the loonies are loose.

I'll tell you something. If I was in charge...

all the oldies, all the cripples...

...anyone who's useless... ...out with the garbage!

As long as it was allowed.

How about this guy?...

Can you believe it?!

German driver!... It'd have to be!

I'll tell you something else...

The ones who drive slowly cause all the traffic jams.

Even if the guy who drives fast is an idiot...

it doesn't matter...

He's reducing the traffic. Are you gonna move, cocksucker?!

Dutch driver, of course.

Ought to be a law against it.

And what's this guy think he's doing?

Out of the way, you fat pansy!

So, you can see sir...

As soon as you hit the road...

you're surrounded by shit.

My shift finishes at 6.

So there are no police after 6?

Don't be impertinent!

30 people disappear every day in France.

We might find them in the caretaker's trunk, in the river...

...or we don't find them at all.

Your friend may still be alive.

Why wouldn't he be?

What do you expect me to do about it?

Alert all foot patrols?...

...the water police?... helicopters?

Do I broadcast an identikit picture?

Just send him home to Jaligny.

Should be easy to spot an idiot in Paris!

Really? How come?

I'm looking at one who who'd easily recognise himself.

I dare you say that again.

Christ almighty!...

- Is this Field-of-Mars? - Sure is.

So where's this Eiffel Tower?

Excuse me, sir... Are you interested in youth?

- Would you know where I'd find it? - What?

- The Eiffel Tower. - Very funny.

We're talking about the problems of youth.

What's published, within the means available...

is this beautifully produced review covering various problems...

that are felt to be of interest.

I'm just looking for the Eiffel Tower.

Very funny. Just give whatever you wish.

5 francs, if you like... We're easy to please.

- I'd been told it was here. - What was?

- The Eiffel Tower. - It's up there.

Great! But there's something missing.

What thing?

- Where's the barometer? - The Barometer?

I'm not making it up.

Here... I've got a sample of it.

You're right... It's a barometer.

And there are examples with an inkwell at the bottom.

Really?

And sometimes, but this is rare, there's a cigarette lighter, too.

You press on the 1st platform...

and the flame comes out of the TV mast.

Gosh!... I've learned so much...

- This is confidential information. - And is that...

the Field-of-Mars? - Yes.

Well, how about that!

I was expecting crops, but this is for grazing.

- Oh yeah! - Does he have horses?

- Does who? - Mr Mars.

- It's Mr Marie who has it. Well-known.

Really?

My name's Fran�ois Flutiaux.

- I'm a student, and I was looking for YOU. - Why?

- Because you're an imbecile. - Can you teach me things?

Let's not change roles.

You're the one who'll teach ME things.

You're an interesting case.

I wrote a thesis... The Rural Imbecile in a City Milieu.

Help me develop it and I'll give you a free copy.

OK?

I need precise answers to my questions. This is very serious work.

- You wouldn't have a cigarette? - Yes.

So... do not forget that according to my theory...

you're not an idiot... You're an imbecile.

- Isn't it the same? - No, they're quite different.

An idiot is a cretin.

An imbecile has a certain intelligence...

in the clinical sense, that is.

So, listen... For you I'll make it 2 francs.

No no. I prefer to lick my own.

You won't get anywhere. Give it to me.

It'd be a lot better with a barometer.

It'd be red.

Red... I don't go.

What was that?

OK.

I'll smoke it later.

Come on!

I'll show you the way. You can buy me one.

- One what? - A drink. A glass of wine.

You've a lot to learn.

You get all this for just 1 franc.

You've got politics, sport...

...film reviews... I pan everything...

- Want another one? - No thanks.

Theatre reviews... I rubbish...

Music reviews... I know nothing about it.

- Are you into music? - Oh yes!

- I play. - What do you play?

- Violin? - No.

- Pipes? - No.

Steel drum.

Steel drum?

Steel drum?

Tom toms! They're back in! This guy reeks of Africa.

One question...

Do you adapt to the new social milieu?

The steel drum is not a tin can!

Here you are... I found you one.

- But it's square. - Does that matter?

I could give it a try.

- May I? - Go ahead.

- Stop, or we'll bust you! - Why don't we bust him anyway, sarge?

I'm playing music!

He was playing music... and it was beautiful.

You cowboys had better let him go!

- Are we busting him, or what? - If we bust him, we gotta take him in.

- Shall I grab the other one? - Leave him.

You're a meany!

Who's going to pay costs?

Do you support youth?

Youth? I can't bear them.

Did you go on green?

I don't understand at all.

Someone was gonna write a book about me...

...and here I am.

Is that you, smelling so good?

What do I smell of?

You smell of harvests...

...of beets... of the soil.

I'm a farmer.

Farmer? Swear to me that's true!

I swear it is.

I'm a farmer at Father Catolle's place, at Jaligny, in Allier.

Were your parents, too?

I don't know who my parents were.

But I did know Marshal Joffre!

And you live in the Eiffel Tower. I know.

Damn shame you had to be an idiot.

- I'm an imbecile. - Same thing.

Not at all!

On the contrary... An intellectual told me.

Keep it quiet!

Don't worry about him. He's stupid rather than nasty.

You see, I'm from the country, too.

From Touraine. Do you know it?

No.

There were ducks... and cows.

Ducks are smaller than cows...

...yet they're more intelligent.

It teaches itself to fly and feed, and swim.

Don't you think you should do the same as them?

Have a bath occasionally?

You may be the king of the farm... but you're the emperor of grubbiness.

Have you seen your nails?

Hello, inspector!

You again, Fleur?

I was just asking directions of a passer-by.

That jerk-off there, called it soliciting.

You take that back!

Take it easy, man... Control yourself.

What's HE in for?

He's an idiot, chief.

Well, how about that! I told you already!

I'm not an idiot. I'm an imbecile.

Get him to the asylum.

You've no right to send me to te asylum!

Shall I whack him one, Inspector?

- I'll tell Mr Dessertine! - Stop!

What are you saying... That you know Mr Dessertine?!

- I know Mme La Fleur, too. - Leave me out of it.

I'm asking if you know Mr L�on Dessertine.

Just mention Goubi to him. We know about welfare.

Good God!

Boudinos, get hold of Mr Dessertine!

Right away!

If that was bullshit, you're done for.

- Why didn't you stay there? - Where?

- In your Touraine. - It's a long story... too long.

For my trade, it's not a very handy location.

It's nice you're an idiot... or imbecile,

- You know what I do for a living? - No.

It's on the street.

- Still don't know? - No.

A guy like you could put on a show.

Just need some coaching.

I don't know how to tell you this. You get me nervous.

Has a woman never asked you for money to sleep with her?

Oh... So you're a whore! Should've told me right off.

That IS the word.

I still can't get used to it.

Tell me... How many cows are there on your farm?

- 15. - Oh, golly!...

And there's Charlotte, the mare.

A regular race horse!

I'm the only one game enough to ride her.

Are you a farmer or a cowboy?

I don't want bore you about cultivating.

But, I'm the king... Goubi the Great!

I plough and plant 10 hectares of beet every autumn.

And get this!... Without a tractor.

Just with a spade.

And after that... I pull it out!

And your beet...

...is not easy like radishes.!

Don't stop! Tell me more!

Well, imagine a field...

...in a corner, at sunrise...

...and when night falls...

Where's that imbecile?

Not him... the other one!

Hello, Mr Mayor.

Mr Dessertine...

Bravo, Mr Pingeon. My congratulations.

- Do you know this individual? - This individual has a name... Mr Goubi!

He's a remarkable young man.

Hell's Angels are everywhere, murderers too...

Paris is a no-go area... but who gets arrested?

People I've helped.

You, a former alpine soldier.

An old Blue Devil.

You are now my forgotten man.

- But, sir... - There are no "buts"!

- Shall I bring it up at the club? - No, not that!

Mr Dessertine, I do a difficult job...

...and in my father's footsteps.

I do not blame you for your defects, Mr Pingeon.

I reproach you for your treatment of people on welfare...

as if they were part of a criminal gang.

There's nothing nice, Mr Pingeon...

in your attack on those on welfare.

It's cowardly.

They've got no parents to protect them.

No Christmas. No stocking on the fireplace.

No toys.

Boudinos!

You'll get a reprimand!

That'll teach you compassion and understanding!

Release Mr Goubi from the slammer, right away!

Don't touch me!

I'm not leaving... So there!

What ails you, my boy?

I've met a lady who likes to chat.

I'm not leaving unless she does.

They'll kill us both.

What a gallant fellow!

Mr Pingeon, are you going to behave like a human being?

Very well.

Fleur, you can go, but don't let me see you here again!

Don't mention it at the club... I did all I could.

No more than your duty. Doesn't call for me to thank you.

Always at your service, Mr Dessertine.

I'll leave you. I have work to do.

Welfare... first and foremost.

- Are you on it? - Unfortunately not.

No surprise then that you turned out badly.

What'll we do?

We'll talk about more things.

I'd like to... but what?

I don't know... Your plough, your vegetables, your cows.

No man's ever talked to me like you do.

You can't imagine what it does for me!

I could listen to you all day long...

But I have to go on parade.

If you want to see me...

ask for me at the Hotel Mimosa, on Virtue St.

- That alright? - Yes, ma'am.

Don't call me ma'am...

Call me Fleur, like everyone else.

Alright Mme La Fleur.

If I'm busy, or if I'm not there...

...ask for Lucienne... She's a friend of mine.

'bye then.

Green I go. Red I don't go.

That's it.

Green I go.

Red I don't go.

That was some piece of work!

I don't know what's stopping me from slapping you.

That wouldn't bring us back our idiot.

Fancy, him missing!

He was getting through so much work!

- Who've I got to take the piss out of? - He could be dead.

Don't say that, M�m�ne.

Dead... run over by a tram.

There aren't any trams.

Don't make things worse for yourselves.

Do you have no shame?

Idiots can turn nasty.

Who've I got, to take the piss out of?

That'll teach you not to deceive Mme La Fleur!

Don't you have any shame?

There's one more for you!

You're doing wrong, you swine!

Don't you think you might do as the ducks...

Take a bath occasionally.

You're the king of the farm...

and the emperor of grubbiness.

Excuse me, madame. Where's the river bank?

Straight ahead.

To be a country girl and let yourself be screwed up by a bumpkin...

- that's something else! - Screwed up?

Poor Lucienne!

It's just that we usually talk about the job or hair or the movies...

Now you spend an hour talking about your idiot.

He's not an idiot... He's an imbecile.

The same thing.

I used to think so. Seems not.

What are you laughing at?

Myself.

Look at me carefully, sir. I'm an escapee.

Me too... From the police station.

That's nothing!... I escaped from a council flat!

I've dumped that riffraff pack of neighbours...

...the caretaker... all behind me!

Marcel Pitou has escaped from his council flat!

Do you appreciate what a council flat is like, sir?

It's hell, in a shoe-box!

Radios and TVs blasting...

My alarm clock rings... the neighbour calls "Come in"!

People are banging on the ceiling... on the walls...

2,000 crazies.

But, we have all mod cons!...

Heating, a fridge, a parking lot.

But no walls or partitions.

All night there's the creaking of beds...

...as France tries to repopulate.

One thinks of China. You imagine dragons.

Are you married?

Not yet, but it could well happen.

I've been married for 20 years.

When I met Louise, I wanted to be a pianist.

I kissed her and we had a daughter.

Farewell piano!

I became a storeman.

My daughter is married, and also lives in a council flat.

She'll die there. She's started to die already.

You people must be frail.

But now it's happening at Hay-les-Roses!

Why at Hay-les-Roses? Why?! Why?!

Why not a country cottage 27 or a retirement home 12?

And why me, Marcel Pitou?

Why Marcel Pitou?

Why not I.D. number 3,600,000?

Or lunatic number 28?

That'd be more real. You understand?

Er... yes. No, not at all Mr Mayor.

- Why Mr Mayor? - You're wearing a hat.

L'Hay-les-Roses...

What a mockery!

This name of flower for a pile of concrete.

Would have been better in Fresnes.

Marcel Pitou has escaped! And they won't get me!

If I'm cornered, I'll throw myself in the Seine.

Whole families have already thrown themselves in...

...or shot or gassed themselves.

I'm from Jaligny, in Allier.

I can't help you... I'm an imbecile.

Congratulations! That's what I'll try and become.

I've no living-room, no dressing-room.

I've no status.

I'm on the street.

On the street.

Keep off the lawns. Offenders prosecuted.

Can't you read?

No. What does it say?

Keep off the lawns.

Offenders prosecuted.

What lawn? Your grass there?

It's not grass, it's turf.

I wasn't cutting your grass...

I was picking flowers...

For a lady!

That's OK. You should've told me right away.

I was worried about my lawn.

Take whatever flowers you want.

To make a bouquet or a salad... I don't care.

I've been minding the filthy things for 20 years.

And at Monceau Park, at the Luxembourg,

and Montsouris Park, at Montholon Square.

I'm sick of the sight of them!

Whether in a pot, or in a wreath, or in a painting...

I hate them.

Off you go.

Parisians are a weird lot.

Excuse me, madame. Where's Virtue Street?

Second on the right.

But careful you don't get picked up.

Hey!... Mme La Fleur!

Fleur's booked.

Don't stay outside... You'll get into trouble.

I'll teach you 'The Devil's Wheelbarrow' and 'Satan's Trifecta'.

Hands off!

I'm a friend of Mme La Fleur.

A personal friend.

You must be Goubi... ...from Jaligny?

Come with me.

An espresso.

And you?

Milk.

- What's wrong? - I saw her with a soldier.

So? Don't you like soldiers?

I like the ones who won at Verdun.

But not the one who was with Mme La Fleur.

Does that mean you're jealous?

I'm unhappy.

Listen, Goubi... Fleur told me about you.

She likes you.

So try and understand... and be reasonable.

Leave off talking about your cows. It messes up her nervous system.

She can't keep her mind on her work.

I don't like her work!

She's too beautiful.

By the way... You're not bad yourself!

It's true. You remind me of Charlotte.

Father Catolle's mare.

With her coat that glistens in the rain.

With her eyes the colour of rapeseed.

And she smells of rosemary.

No, she smells like a wisp of straw.

- Would you like to do us a favour? - Sure would!

Go home to Jaligny. Scram!

You just make trouble with your tales of your hick town and your mare!

You totally undermine our morale!

You're worse than the plague!

Goodness me!

I'll tell the chief.

He'll shoot all the soldiers!

You back?!

- I told you... no bums allowed! - I'm here to see Mr Dessertine.

Oh... You're friend of Mr Dessertine.

Please come in!

Go in.

I beg of you...

Don't tell him what happened just now.

He'd get some gangster who's on welfare...

...to do bad things to me.

- My lips are sealed. - Thank you.

Hello, Goubi. Are you dining with me?

No thanks, Mr Mayor.

I'm so upset, that I couldn't possibly eat.

Take a glass of wine at least.

Rabichon, did you know that Goubi is on welfare.

He's got on in life.

You'll succeed, too! A toast to us...

And to our mother... Welfare.

So, my boy... what is it that's upset you?

It's Mme La Fleur, Mr Mayor.

Fleur?... Oh, yes.

She's sleeping with a soldier.

And that bothers you?

It does!

I fear you've fallen in love, Goubi...

...in love with a woman who's not for you.

There's no woman for Goubi.

Did you hear that?

Clear-sighted... intuitive!

He's really one of us.

Have you spoken to her?

What about?

Have you told her or not that you loved her?

I didn't know how to.

- You can teach me. - Yes.

Rabichon, seeing as you're fond of whores...

Oh... Just to relax with... I never have time...

Do you know one called Fleur?

By sight!

Rabichon, don't yell!

She wouldn't work on Virtue St, would she?

Beautiful girl.

We know that. But what is she like?

A bit crazy.

Off with the fairies sometimes.

Very good. Excellent.

Unfortunately, my ability to get you on welfare...

doesn't extend to ladies.

I see.

As Father Catolle says... "That requires money."

And to get money, you have to work.

What are you able to work at?

Look after animals, cut down trees...

Not quite right for Paris.

I've got it!

Rid yourself of this habit, Rabichon!

I've a job for Mr Goubi.

Mushrooms.

C�pes are coming on...

...and people pay the earth for them.

Some harvests result in homicide.

Can we ask you a question without offending you, Goubi?

Do you know anything about mushrooms?

I'm the mushroom master of Allier!

I would not confuse...

the pink inocybe with a c�pe.

Nor a calocybe from Saint-Georges with a magic mushroom.

I'll pick basketfuls...

...and nobody will die.

Where does he go... to Vincennes?

No, to Fontainebleau Forest.

In the morning, one of us will drop him off...

In the evening he'll buy a truckie a drink

and get a lift back to the markets.

You'll pay above the going rate for his mushrooms.

You'll find him somewhere to stay where it's warm.

You'll rent him a room below the going rate.

I have it!

I know a comfortable place.

Does that suit you?

I'll go for the c�pes tomorrow morning.

And within a week I'll have my Citro�n Goddess, with a chauffeur...

...and an ashtray.

And I'll drag Mme La Fleur out of the arms of the French army.

Can't believe he left without saying goodbye.

Unless he's lying dead somewhere.

- Plenty more men. - Don't want them.

Are you crazy? It was your lawyer... your Monday regular.

I couldn't care less!

Listen, Lucienne...

Whether or not I see my idiot again...

...I'm buying a plot of land and I'm getting out.

I'm fed up.

I'd like to have ferns.

You should do the same.

Why? I enjoy doing what I do.

Growing radishes won't buy me Herm�s...

or Carita, or skiing holidays.

I really like my skiing holiday.

How old are you?

39... and a half.

So you're nearly 40.

Listen to me...

By 50, you're down the drain.

And there's no retirement home for us.

You've seen those poor old things trying to latch onto some bum.

And afterwards... after...

In a hospice with the nuns...

...and a box of dominos.

Gosh... you dead loss has really cheered you up.

My God of dung!...

Those were the days.

I won't be talking to you today about a new highway...

...nor about an indoor stadium. Something more serious.

We may be faced with the return of the great epidemics.

Jean-Marie Laprune seems to be turning into an idiot.

The village may be cursed.

Laprune... winner of the Tour de France!

Don't you worry! When he comes back...

I'll know how to welcome him!

With a pitchfork and a bayonet!

After all we did for him!

He'll come back to us full of contagious diseases, probably.

He's all you think about.

That's true.

There's La Fleur!

How are you, gorgeous?

We were only talking about you the other night.

Save your breath... I'm not stopping.

Closed for business.

Even for someone who's working for you?

And who might that be?

The nitwit of Allier.

Lover boy.

Goubi? Whereabouts is he?

After midnight, he sleeps in my basement...

Right now, he's out harvesting.

Don't run away!

You've given us enough trouble!

Goubi! It's us!

Ernest and Jules!

Goubi!

Good evening, Goubi.

Have you dropped me?

Hadn't you come to see me?

I've come. I've even had a wash.

Did you go to the Mimosa Hotel?

Come here.

You didn't ask for me.

Why?

Because of the soldier.

Soldier? Was there one?

I guess it's possible. If we had to remember everyone...

So you were angry?

Are you still angry?

I'm sulking.

You're a barrel of laughs.

I told you what I was... from the beginning.

At the police station... Do you remember?

Didn't bother you then.

Now it bugs you.

Mr Dessertine knows everything... and he said I was in love.

With me?

That's what Mr Dessertine said.

I still dreamed about you.

What was I doing?

You wore a little apron...

...and you were feeding the hens.

Goubi...

What is it?

I'm cold.

It's nice like this, isn't it.

Super-dooper.

If you were sensible, do you know what you'd do?

I'd go home to Jaligny.

I've been told that already, but I don't want to.

I want something to happen to me first.

But something HAS happened, Goubi!

- What was that? - Well... ME!

Aren't I something?

So you are!

Would you like to have dinner at my place tomorrow?

- Aren't you cold? - It's OK.

I won't give you my address... you'd only lose it.

Don't go to the Mimosa... I'm not there any more...

...ever.

I'll meet you at 6...

...in front of St Eustache's.

The church?

Of course!

What are you laughing at?

Because you don't do things by half!

See you then.

You lost him again?!

You really are a stupid pair of bastards..

The country will judge you!

There's the idiot who's making up the loss.

- There could be a way. - Yes, perhaps.

There are 79 living in the village.

78, because of you.

So we all go up to Fontainebleau...

...we scour the forest and capture the idiot.

I'm a veteran...

...socialist activist and barkeeper.

I've heard some stupid things in my time...

but never THAT stupid!

Are you too good now to cruise for your clients?

Why don't you go jump in the lake.

Come and see.

Here.

What do you think of it?

Funny.

Well I know it's not the countryside.

Do you eat any of this weird stuff?

Are you crazy?

These are precious.

If I want something for a salad, I buy it.

That's probably better.

I buy the soil in little plastic bags.

What do you think of it?

I wouldn't like to be buried in it.

You're hard to please.

Earth is not something to joke about.

It's serious.

It's made me sweat for 30 years.

I've dug it with both hands.

I've wept over it.

I've slept on it

I know it.

I know where it belongs... and that's not in little pots.

Maybe you're right.

Now let me show you my farmyard.

My rabbit hutch.

My chicken coop.

Now... follow me...

That's wash house.

And it's for you.

Come on now...

You can come out when you're clean.

You've got soap, shampoo, toothpaste, razor, brushes.

And then you'll put this on.

I bought it for you this morning at Saint-Marc.

So...

Everything okay?

If this is what it's like to take a bath...

I can see why some people do it every day.

It's magnificent.

That's the word... magnificent.

Truly magnificent.

Well, well, well!

That's tops!

You're almost handsome!

I'd hate to dirty my beautiful clothes.

Don't worry, I bought you one to eat in and one to go out in.

- Still want to go home to the country? - No, I can't anymore.

Why not?

So I can see more of you.

Don't you miss it a bit?

No.

I've got a new suit...

I eat on a tablecloth...

I bath when I want. I don't miss anything.

- I slept in an attic. - Here in a cellar.

The thing is, if you're there, it's no longer a cellar...

It's "Jaligny Castle".

Tell me...

Are there ever any farms for sale around there?

- You'd want to buy one? - Yes.

Don't worry about it. It's only nylon.

So... Is there, or isn't there?

There is.

'Les Agroulets', it's called.

What's it like?

Well, Les Agroulets is...

It's beautiful.

Is it really as beautiful as that?

It's even more beautiful than that.

But that takes money, eh?

More than you would have, my poor Mme La Fleur.

Your "poor Mme La Fleur"?!

I didn't freeze my tootsies for 10 years on Virtue St. to hear that!

Mme La Fleur's virginity is deposited in the bank!

That's enough?

As well as that, I own this place.

Add to that 3 rooms that I rent

at top rates to some phony beatniks.

Also a cottage in Buttes-Chaumont that I got from one of my clients.

I paid him off on the instalment plan...

- Do you know what I mean? - No.

Doesn't matter.

A former inspector of finances, 72 years old.

He came to me every day for 3 months, the greedy pig...

...to take his payments.

Now he's in hospital...

...eating baby-food.

Supposing you bought Les Agroulets...

...what would you do with it?

A bowling or camping ground?

It'd be a case of deciding the best use for it...

...along with you, if you were agreeable.

Goodness me!

That's smart.

Great idea.

Tomorrow we'll do the mushrooms.

In the evening, I'll take the train to Jaligny.

I'll see the estate agent...

...and if I like your Agroulets...

I'll buy it.

So here's to proprietors!

No...

Here's to the proprietress!

It's not the same.

It is the same, because she'd be your wife.

It's not nice for you to make fun of me.

Listen, Goubi.

Stop calling me "Mme La Fleur"...

Be nice to me...

Call me "Juliette"... That's my name.

"Juliette Goubi."

Sounds nice. It's comfy!

Virtue St is something else that's dead and buried.

Don't ever mention it... particularly to me.

Will you swear to that?

I swear.

- They won't get over it. - Who?

The others down there.

Father Catolle, Mr Mayor.

Most of all, those wives of theirs.

It'll kill them!

- And then there's Bertha - Who's she?

Someone I thought of as queen of the village.

But now, comparing her to you...

...she's a cow.

I like you a lot, Goubi.

Do you...

Do you think the schoolkids will call me "Mr Goubi"?

They'd better, or they'll cop it!

But then there's the others.

The grown-ups.

They all know I'm an imbecile.

Even if I have a wife and a car...

...I'll always be one.

It's true... Once the die is cast, that's it.

And then there's something else.

You're all that I think about.

I can't help it.

One day, thinking about you too much...

is going to make my head explode.

Because of you.

I'm used to people making fun of me.

But they'll talk about YOU, because of ME...

...and I'd hate that.

You'll have your own land and money in the bank...

So you'll never stop people talking behind your back.

The main thing is that they're silent when you turn around!

So you came to ask me permission to marry La Fleur.

- Not "La Fleur" anymore. Juliette. - Excuse me.

if you'd told me this was a certified virgin, chaste and pure...

...I would've said... "Goubi, watch out!"

But in this case, knowing her as I do, I can happily say... "Marry her, my boy!

Discouraged by their expensive life...

their work devalued by The Pill...

defecting streetwalkers...

are the last refuge of virtue and fidelity.

These women aspire only to a single social position...

having exhausted all the others.

You'll never be a deceived husband.

I'm liking being married already. I've no illusions about myself.

How many children do you want?

I'll have to ask Juliette...

if she has something planned, but I don't think so.

If our girl takes after mummy...

and our boy after daddy...

we'll have a steel-drum parade...

and the house will be too small.

There is only one true house, Goubi... Welfare!

I have 2 boys. When they were babies I put them on welfare.

The best college in France. Our Oxford, our Harvard.

After 18 years on welfare, they're ready for life's challenges.

Now they're total welfare-abusers, like their father!

What a shame your bride-to-be had not been raised by me!

She'd regret it.

But think about it...

It's not only her...

The world's full of people coming from who knows where.

Don't worry... They'll be paying for us.

- What are you doing? - Take the wheel.

You really are afraid of nothing.

You've got to show them...

You have to stick it right up them... you have to flabbergast them.

- What do I do? - Put in first gear.

- Where's the handle? - There.

Put it into second. On the left, by your leg.

Press the clutch at the same time. Your left leg!

- Your left leg! - Which is that?

The clutch!

- Which? - Your left leg!

The left pedal!

- Fucking pedal! Oh, I'm sorry!

Hit me, to check I'm not dreaming!

Must be that southern wine!

I'd better give it up.

- I can't believe it! - Good God! It can't be possible!

- Who's the crazy guy? - The steel-drum champion!

Go to it, Jean-Marie! Super-dooper!

He plays on Radio Luxembourg.

- Put it into third, Goubi. - If I can.

Put it into third!

Watch what you're doing!

Brake, brake!

The middle pedal!

Goubi's piece of soil.

Over there, I see a large room with tiled floors.

The kitchen here.

There, the laundry.

And our bedroom up there.

Then there's...

There's something else.

What's that?

Well now... As far as looking after the animals

...bringing in fodder, cutting timber is concerned...

...I think that because you'd have ME, you're doing the right thing.

But as for the other things...

For the other things...

You can leave it to me.

Subtitles by FatPlank for KG