Original subtitles

R .B.

What do you miss when my baby kisses me?

R .B. What does a love kiss be in my memory?

As is mixing the baler. Can you bring the cows up?

We'll just keep it nice and complimentary.

About me.

Stupid. The idea of the best man's job is to make the groom look a good cat.

Er, 20 minutes, minimum.

All right, Mike.

I'll see you then.

Yep, you too.

Coffee?

No, he'll be fine.

Experience goes a long way in public speaking.

So where does that leave me, then?

We'll sort you out.

Don't you worry.

Alf,

did you know after you got married, did you feel, you know, different?

Well, I can't say I did.

Oh, when I was living at home, I used to give my wages to my mother and she'd

give me pocket money.

When I got married, Mrs Ventress did.

Hey, you're looking well.

Nice and high, you clever girl.

Is it a boy or a girl? Oh, it's a boy, definitely.

How do you know? Football.

Kicking me like mad.

What do the kids think of you leaving them with their dad?

Pretended to be upset.

Then packed the bags like a shot.

Bill survived then. Oh, yeah.

Better than the bottle blonde he's shacking up with.

Treat their home as you would your own, I told him.

Help her off for years.

Get in.

What did I tell you?

Not a molehill in sight.

Certainly seems to have done the trick.

It's so good, Mr Norton, I have the sole right to sell it in this area.

I think I'd come and have a look at the tennis court, then.

Lucy, come on.

So, Barbara, what can I do for you?

I've come for my repeat prescription, Doctor.

You had some dizziness, if I remember correctly.

Yes, but you changed my pills.

And do they suit you any better?

A bit better, yeah.

When you come again, we really should talk about reducing this dosage.

Yeah, of course.

Is there something else?

Yes.

It's a bit hard to explain.

What is it, Barbara?

I don't think you can help.

Why don't you try me?

Well, it's my husband.

I think he's trying to kill me.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Not a pretty sight.

Lord Ashfordly tells me your assistant was supposed to have eradicated them not

long ago.

Yes, very probably.

The only thing was he didn't have the ingredients for a successful job.

My guiding hand and the killer punch pest control.

The all -purpose answer to pest problems.

All -purpose?

Yes, you name it, this stuff scares it stiff.

Woodworm beetle?

One whiff and it's a goner.

How quickly can you treat this cord?

Would now be soon enough.

The first rate.

And once you're done here, I'd like your advice about a little problem in the

attic.

A problem for you, Mr Norton? It's a pleasure for me.

Bye, Mrs Knight.

That's a lot. Thank you.

Jenny? Yeah?

How did Barbara Simner seem to you?

A little strained.

Why?

She said she thinks her husband is trying to kill her.

She was serious?

Perfectly serious.

She says there have been a number of incidents at the farm. The latest when

electric fence was taken off a battery and reconnected to the main supply.

Oh, an accident, surely.

She reckons not.

Could her antidepressants be causing paranoia?

It's possible.

What did you say to her? I told her to go and see the police, but I'm sure she

won't. I'll check what it says about her medication.

Meanwhile, you have to put this out of your mind.

Right, just listen to this.

Uncut hedges, overgrown footpaths, an obscene amount of liquor.

And a death -poiled bush shelter.

Yes, but... I hear we did very well in spring judging.

Look, most villages can spruce themselves up for one day of the year.

that's why the judges come back for a second look.

Well, there'll always be one that let us down, Oscar.

And it's up to us to whip them into line.

A best -kept village award brings the visitors in.

With their purses.

Exactly. The more money they spend... the more jobs we keep here.

Di, this is Steve.

Hello, Steve.

Mother Bobby, eh?

How do you know?

Well, there's a room across your forehead where your helmet's been.

I'm only joking, love.

Not a bad guess, though.

Sharp as a cousin, eh, Phil?

Yeah. So don't even think of trying it on while I'm in hospital.

What do you mean, trying it on?

Like asking for bacon butties just before closing time.

Is that how they get round here?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

You'll have to go to Whitby if you want to do anything livelier.

Or you could get Steve to rev up the bike and show you the sights.

Yeah, why not?

Liz?

Hiya. Hello.

So good to find you here.

What can I get you?

No, no, let me.

I'll do it, Dennis.

Fine.

Usual? Thank you.

I'm sorry to break up your romantic tethered house.

We're discussing the living room wallpaper.

Ah.

Does she seem okay to you?

Jenny? Yeah, why?

I don't know. There's something going on there that I can't quite fathom.

She's probably broody.

Broody? Well, you see how blooming Gina is over there? That tends to be

infectious.

Oh, right.

It's the next step after the living room wallpaper.

Thanks for the warning.

I need some advice from you.

Ah.

A patient came in to see me today and told me that her husband had tried to

her.

And you suggested that she come and talk to us? Yes.

And naturally she declined?

Yes. Par for the course for a domestic.

What do you want from me?

An assessment of the race, I suppose.

Well, has the husband a record of violence?

Not that I know of.

Then statistically it's highly unlikely that your patient will come to any harm.

Why don't I feel very reassured?

Perhaps because you've become too involved.

If I gave you a name, would you investigate further?

And break the rule of patient confidentiality, just when it suits you.

Dennis, we're talking about a life here.

Sorry, Liz. Unless this woman comes forward, you can keep this little secret

to yourself.

How are you doing, Barbara?

Not bad.

Is that about?

He's in the Six Acre doing some walling. Go on down.

No, no, I've got the vet calling. I'll catch up with him later.

Steady. Steady with her.

It wasn't an accident.

Is Mrs. Timner fit to answer questions?

Yes, she was lucky.

There were no breaks, but she badly sprained her neck when she jumped clear.

What makes you say it was a suspicious accident?

She told me someone was trying to kill her. Kill her?

She thought it might be her husband.

Hello, David.

I've been out of this stink.

When you've got your back, use it.

Oh, I can't talk with Alan.

Better still.

Clap, pat, clap your hand, pat it on your part of the hand.

Right hand.

Clap, pat, clap your hand, put it to your left.

Is it possible that you didn't secure the handbrake? No.

I put the brake on when Gary drove into the yard.

That tractor was held fast.

Who's Gary?

Gary Shaw.

He works the neighbouring farm.

And Les is your farmhand?

Aye. He's worked here for years, and for my father before me.

So, was Gary here when the accident happened?

It wasn't an accident.

Was he here when the incident happened?

No.

When I told him Les was in the six acre, he drove off. Said he got to meet a

vet. So Les was from distance away at the time, and your husband was in

Yeah.

So he says.

Was there anybody else on the farm?

Not that I know of.

But that doesn't mean to say there wasn't.

Come on, have you done that, Fitz?

Do what?

I've already done my thing.

Well, how was I meant to know?

Come again?

I said, how was I meant to know?

It's plain and obvious.

What are you doing?

Scott, go and get some air.

Well, we're nearly done.

I can hardly breathe.

Look, just five more minutes, we're out of here.

I don't care. I'm coming over all funny.

Well, put your mouth back on.

I know.

David!

Morning.

Morning.

Get in there.

What's your problem?

I've been asked to make a report on yesterday's incident.

All right.

What's she been telling you?

Some cock and bull story about it not being her fault?

Who called you in?

Dr Merrick reported it to us. It was a farm accident.

Yeah. Well, if you want to know what caused it, you can start with her.

How do you mean?

Giving Barbara them knockout pills.

Half the time she doesn't know she's coming or going.

I believe you were in Whitby when the incident happened.

Yeah. Luckily.

Why luckily?

Because I know her, and she'd be blaming anybody but herself.

The handbrake on the tractor, is it in good working order, sir?

Sound as a pound.

That's Les.

He went first on scene.

Well, there was none here yesterday.

There's more over here and all.

We might as well throw in the towel now.

Oh, no, never say die.

Vernon Strips can sort this out with his all -purpose pest repellent.

Don't tell me he's conned you with that stuff.

No con, Oscar.

Ben Norton swears by it. Vernon cleared the moles out of Ashfordly Hall in no

time. And it's no wonder it's from my allotment.

You've no idea how it happened?

No.

The brake on the tractor.

Was it on or off when you arrived?

I don't remember.

But you didn't make sure the tractor couldn't run away again?

It was stuck. It weren't going anywhere.

Have you known Mr and Mrs Simner a long time?

Yeah. What of it?

How would you say they get on?

How they get on is their business, not mine.

Where is he?

Gone. To the hospital?

No, back to base, I think. As soon as David was conscious, Scripps whisked him

away. Wasted journey, sorry.

Can I see where they were working?

You really don't want to go there.

Show me.

Follow me.

Good grief!

I did warn you.

David just passed out.

Yes. The script said he took his mask off and then he splatted on his back.

Well, there's no ventilation in there.

No. No, all the windows are stuck solid with old paint.

Is that any excuse?

You're not blaming me, are you? I'm not blaming you. I'm just asking the

question.

Now, I can only guess, but it's likely that David was overcome by fumes, toxic

or otherwise.

You really like to stir things up, don't you?

I'm just trying to do my job, Mr Norton.

It's your duty to provide a safe working environment.

Can I ask you a question?

Go ahead.

What do you do when you're not being a doctor?

Why do you ask?

Just wondered if there was a side to you I might like better.

You probably will never know.

I'll see myself out, shall I?

OK.

Yeah,

well, thanks anyway, Mike.

Mike can't make the wedding.

Oh, CID are planning a special op. He can't get away.

Oh, that's CID for you.

Domestic commitments don't count.

What am I going to do about the best man now?

Oh, there'll be someone.

A mate who's stuck with you through thick and thin.

He'll find him.

Well, I'm glad you think so.

Yes, sir.

Is Constable Crane here?

Yes. Steve?

Oh, hello. I'm Gary Shaw.

Oh, Mr Shaw.

Sorry I missed you when I called.

Oh, well, I was coming into town, so I thought I'd say what you wanted.

It's about the accident at the Simner's farm yesterday.

Oh, aye. Sounds like Barbara had a narrow escape.

Yeah.

She was happy to gain herself in discrepancy, Barbara.

Mrs Simner said she got off the tractor to talk to you.

I just wondered if you'd seen her secure the handbrake.

Er, no, no. I never got out of the Land Rover.

I just asked if Les were around and he weren't. So I drove off back to my farm.

That's next door, isn't it? Yeah.

What time would that have been?

About one o 'clock. I had the vet calling.

Why asking all these questions?

I'm just trying to get the full picture.

Hmm.

Don't get me wrong.

I like Barbara, but she can be a bit dozy, you know.

Yeah.

Well, thanks for coming in.

Oh, all right.

You're supposed to follow my finger, David.

Oh, yeah.

There you are.

Right as rain.

I'm not. I've got a thumping headache.

If that persists, you come and see me, OK, David?

So this is that magic potion I've heard all about.

I'd better buy one of these myself.

That won't be necessary, Doctor.

Any problem you have of a pestilential nature, just call on us.

Well, that's very sweet of you, but I'm quite able to look after myself, thank

you.

Well, the fact is that all our stock is spoken for.

It's never.

I'm afraid so, David.

What about those two bottles that you promised my uncle?

Well, like I said, spoken for.

Oh, it's all right. You can have one of them. He won't mind.

Thanks very much, David.

Oh, it's not the end of the world, Phil.

Why don't you ask Steve?

Yeah, I don't know.

I've only known him five minutes ago.

I wanted somebody who'd know me since I started at the station.

You know, all the old lags I've nicked. Run -ins with Oscar.

Your courage under fire.

Exactly.

Oi, Steve.

Hi, Pierre.

Bill. There's one in the pot.

Not for me, thanks.

Some others are working.

What can you tell me about Barbara and Ken Simner?

Well, they used to be regulars, didn't you?

Barbara inherited the family farm, but Ken was never really that keen on

farming. They were a nice couple, though, until things turned sour.

What happened?

Well, Barbara had a miscarriage and the doctor said she could never have kids.

She became clinically depressed.

Ken started seeing another woman.

Barbara found out she took an overdose.

I hope there's a happy ending to this story.

Well thought of. Ken promised to stop seeing the other woman.

Lovely. Talk about one arm up your back.

Now when did David get cocked out?

Vernon Scripps has got his outbuildings and half the house full of the stuff.

We need to check it's not a risk to public safety.

I'll get it analyzed.

That's what I thought.

Put it out the back for now.

Hello.

Do you have a moment?

How exactly does this stuff work?

It works like a dream, Oscar. That's all you need to know.

How soon can you clear them?

Oh, by the time you call time tonight.

Right.

You know I can't reveal the medical details of my patients.

You came to us, remember?

To report a suspicious accident.

And whose opinion was it suspicious?

Does it matter?

It does when you know that person's judgement could be affected by

drugs. I'm sorry, but I don't see the relevance of that.

No? Not the fact that Barbara Thimner once took an overdose and has since been

prone to accidents?

You should think twice before you waste police time on the paranoid ramblings of

one of your patients.

Suppose the doctor got to play safe.

By shunting her problem patients onto us.

Just close the file and forget it.

Suppose we ought to give him a hand.

Oh, for pity's sake.

Yes? The vehicle examiner just called, Sarge.

They're pretty sure that the brakes on Mrs. Simner's car hadn't been tampered

with. Well, there's a surprise.

Apparently the linings were down to the rim.

Pretty much like my patients.

All right, relay the news to Crane, will you?

Yes, Sarge.

Ken said he'd had them fixed.

The linings were worn bare.

So you say, but he said he'd had them done.

Well, that's negligence.

Not sabotage with you, Simla.

Can I say something?

Why don't you sell up here?

So Ken can get hold of the money and run.

But if you think it means your heart... Sometimes love can turn to hate and

hopefully back again.

Whatever. My life's here, for better or worse.

I've been told to close the file.

Do you think I'm imagining things?

I'm sorry.

I've no choice.

You want some more?

No, we don't.

What are you doing here? I'm just seeing how much more stuff you're going to

drop on us.

I beg your pardon? You've got more ammo in there than Bomber Harris dropped on

Dresden.

What's the matter with you?

I got rid of your moles, didn't I? Oh, aye, from one place to another.

All you've done is start a stampede from Ashfordly Hall to the village.

You ever thought of marrying again?

Only to carry grounds.

Oh, right.

Tuesday. What I want to know is why you're not attached.

How do you know I'm not?

I checked.

You must be one of the most eligible bachelors in agents to be held up with a

uniform and a rent -free house.

Yeah, sure.

I'm fighting them off.

See them again.

Thanks.

Gin and tonic and half the best, please.

Problem? No, I just spotted someone I didn't expect to see.

Cheers. Cheers.

If you want to go and speak to them, I'll be all right.

Sorry.

It was a call of duty.

I've heard it caught some things.

Crisis is not too strong a word.

Vernon Scripps plans to sell this stuff to farmers to keep the birds off the

field. Now, the Pong alone will take no prisoners.

What about the birds?

They'll take refuge in village.

Exactly. This place will look like the bottom of a budgie's cage.

I hope you haven't been breaking the speed limits, Constable.

What do you think?

I think you've probably been showing off. Oh, we'd have to go a lot faster to

impress me. You what?

You're holding on so tight I couldn't breathe.

Oh, nice.

Hi, Gina.

Seeing as Diane's here now, why don't you go and put your feet up? All right,

will. Thanks.

Oscar, have you got a minute?

I'll hang on, shall I?

Yeah.

Do you believe Barbara Simner?

I'm not sure.

But after seeing Ken Simner with another woman, it's made me think again.

Hmm.

Policing is about percentages, Steve.

You can't cover for every eventuality.

On the other hand, if a copper of mine had a hunch, I always told him,

follow it up.

I told you where I was.

In Whitby, having a meeting with your accountant at two o 'clock. Yes.

Leaving here at twelve.

You gave yourself plenty of time.

Yeah, well, it's Barbara's birthday coming up and I went in early to look

present. Is that after you visited the bookies at 12 .30?

Yes.

And before you had lunch at one?

Yes.

Did anyone see you?

What? Can anyone confirm your story?

I've just shown you a betting slip and a restaurant receipt. What more do you

want?

Les?

Les?

Lift this cable up for us, will you, while I shift her out?

Right.

Don't tell me we'll have to evacuate the village.

Not quite.

In fact, nothing like that.

Oh, go on. What do the boffins find out?

I'm very glad to say that killer punch pest control is completely harmless.

Harmless? I don't believe it. What a relief.

And that's your opinion too, is it?

Apparently it's made entirely from liquefied lion dung.

Time and dated bookmaker slip.

Dated restaurant receipt.

If you call my accountant, he'll confirm a meeting with him.

I'm sure that won't be necessary, Mr Simlow.

I didn't mind him coming round first time.

But enough's enough.

My wife's health isn't what it should be.

And this isn't helping.

When Crane gets in, tell him I want to speak to him.

I'm here, Sarge.

Ah, good.

Perhaps you can tell me whose orders you're following around here.

I've just had Ken Simner in my office.

I thought I told you to drop that case.

Yes, Sarge, but then I saw him with another woman.

Oh, did you? And it confirmed my feeling that things weren't right.

How much the same feeling I have about you.

We're not here to police what might happen. If you want to play the sleuth,

do it in your own time.

Because we're too busy.

Aren't we?

Oh, yes, Sarge.

Yes, sir.

What the devil are you up to?

Oh, morning, Mr. Blaketon.

It's an advertising board.

I can see that.

Yeah, I'm going to put it up in Mrs. Tompkins' garden.

Mr. Vernon needs to let her have a couple of bottles, so she's letting us

this up in return.

Hurry up, David!

We've got all these to shift yet.

Thanks.

Thank you.

So, now you've got me here, you're going to tell me?

We're undercover.

Who is?

Well, strictly speaking, just me.

But you're undercover.

So, I'm your undercover woman?

Mm -hmm.

This is where Ken Simner said he came the day of Barbara's accident.

And they should have a carbon copy of this here.

So what?

Well, the serial number gives a rough idea of what time this was made out.

Good evening. Would you like to see the wine lift?

Yes. Thank you.

What's the matter?

That's the woman I saw with Ken Simner in the pub.

Don't tell me she was pregnant.

Lion dung.

Apparently. But not any old kind of lion dung.

This stuff is the creme de la creme of animal droppings.

Morning picked for freshness.

Ripeness more like.

Yeah, well, to the sensitive nose it does come a bit strong. But that's its

power.

All living things scarper.

When they get wind of the king of the jungle.

Oh, here they come. The chairman and his poodle.

Village ain't gonna like what you're doing, Vernon.

On the contrary.

The people round here are calling me the patron saint of cabbages.

Don't waste your breath, Will. The time for talking is over.

Come on.

This is ridiculous.

You want the cover, you've got to be ready for anything.

Is that what you tell all the girls?

Bye.

Bye.

All you've got to do is distract David.

How? Well, just think of something. Keep him out of the house and leave the rest

to me.

Is this legal, Oscar?

Let's just call it justice.

Oh, hello. Hello, David.

We were just driving past. We saw someone run into your lane.

Who?

Yeah, we thought it might be an intruder. Yes, he might have slipped

side.

Should we look?

I'll be with you in a minute, darling. All right, sweetie.

Can I have a word, lads?

You don't give up, do you?

One for the road, lads.

No, mate, I'm going.

Mrs Simner told me about the incident with the electric fence.

What about it?

How had it been switched from battery to mains power?

Ken said Barbara must have mixed it up.

Reckons a pill's been to do lally.

And you believed him?

Barbara Simner took an overdose a while back, didn't she?

So? You do remember?

Of course I remember.

She was in a right state.

And Ken was threatening to leave her for Julie Watson, wasn't it?

Never heard of her.

Well, you've seen her again.

Copper or no copper?

You stir that up and you'll answer to me.

She's pregnant.

What?

Julie Watson.

She's pregnant.

Damn fool.

Ken's given us a false alibi for the day of the tractor incident.

You mean it wasn't in Whitby?

Well, if he was, he wasn't doing what he told us.

Where's this leading?

I think you know.

I've said enough.

The smell is awful!

Oh, no!

Some of the bottles have broken inside the boxes!

Oh, don't look at me!

Why would Ken Simner concoct an alibi if he had nothing to hide?

But the evidence is circumstantial.

Even if you discredit his alibi, you still can't place him at the scene.

I still think Barbara Simney is in real danger, Sarge.

All right, let's go and talk to the girlfriend.

The monthly traffic figures, Bellamy.

Oh, yes, Sarge. One of them on my desk by this morning.

Oh, it's my fault, Sarge.

I misfiled the reports and Phil couldn't find them.

Later today then, Bellamy.

Yes, Sarge.

Thanks for that, Al.

I completely forgot.

Do you want a cup of tea?

Oh, yes. Why not?

Is this wedding?

Can't concentrate on it.

Oh, it's only natural.

You covered the same for me.

Yeah.

We've had enough practice as well, haven't we?

How long's he been there?

Oh, don't ask.

I've been stupid, haven't I?

Frequently.

No, I mean really stupid.

You're stirring me right in the face.

Who is?

Well, the obvious choice for best man.

Me?

The man who knows me better than anyone.

Alf, will you do it?

Are you sure?

I'm absolutely certain.

Oh, it'd give me great pleasure.

Thanks, Alf.

Here. Try a change of water.

Is it smelling any better?

Not something you'd notice.

I've just hung the rug outside. It's cleared the valley of livestock.

It's got into everything.

We're going to have to gut the whole place.

Why are they so important?

At the time they were issued an incident account on the Simner's farm, Mrs

Simner was lucky to escape with her life.

Didn't Ken tell you?

He's using these as his alibi to prove that he wasn't there.

Did you supply them?

If you lie on his behalf, you'll be perverting the course of justice.

He can carry a prison sentence. Not a great start for your baby.

I assume Ken is the father.

Does Barbara know?

He's promised to tell her today.

He said everything will be fixed today.

Today.

Let's go.

For heaven's sake, peel an onion. Anything's better than this.

Drink, anyone?

Do you think you two can drink up and push off?

Our money was good enough for you yesterday.

Yeah, well, that's before the king of the jungle left his mark on you.

The smell isn't only ruining me trade, it's puckering me paintwork.

If you're not doing that, you can drive the tractor into barn.

All right.

Stay awake, eh?

Right, where to now?

I mean, who'll love us?

But wherever I go, the thing goes with me. All right, all right, David.

It's like being back at school, eh?

I used to have to feed the pigs before going, so people used to give me a wide

burr. Said I had a hyogene problem.

All this, David, is just sour grapes.

Well, I don't care if it's sour grapes or lion muck. I'm finished with it.

It's the biggest money spinner we've ever had.

What's the good of money if no one will talk to you?

Your husband asked you to drive the tractor inside?

Yes. And did he not tell you about the cables?

No. It's quite literally a death trap.

Where is he now?

In the bottom barn.

Mrs Demner, could we have a...

Make a move.

The next one's yours.

Oilers!

Put the gun away and leave this to us.

Why didn't you tell your wife about the live cable, Mr. Thinner?

I did.

She says not.

Surprise me.

I believe her.

And I think a court will, too.

You can't prove a thing.

We've been looking at your alibi for the day your wife was injured.

So?

We talked to Julie Watson.

What for?

She knows nothing. You leave her out of this.

Not easy when she helped to fabricate your alibi.

You really think Julie's going to testify against me in her condition?

The father of her baby?

Baby?

She's going to have a baby?

You liar!

She's your wife!

We now know that you had the opportunity as well as the motive to harm your

wife. We think a jury will reach the same conclusion.

I'm saying out.

Fine, I'm going to caution you anyway.

Ken Simner, I'm arresting you in suspicion of attempted murder.

You're not obliged to say anything unless you wish to do so.

But what you say may be put into writing and given in evidence.

Well, I think we've given ourselves a fighting chance.

Credit to you, Oscar.

Village Luke's a picture.

Yes. Right, Vernon?

Mustn't grumble.

Not like you.

Well, let's just say I'm too busy to grumble.

Not with pests, I hope. No, no, I've sent the stock back and given up the

franchise. But you know what they say, Oscar? When one door shuts, another one

opens. Aye.

And what door is that? The one marked colour, fun and novelty, and completely

odour -free.

I've just delivered two to number six, now number eight wants one. Show them,

David.

They're going like hot cakes, Oscar.

Buy four, get one free.

Give me strength.

Oscar! Hang on, I haven't given you the price yet!

Oscar!

What's the matter with him? Oscar!

Ta -da!

Phil!

What have you got?

I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, I think you do. George!

Oi! Break it up! You do not ever, I repeat, ever close down this police

Do you understand?

It was an emergency.

I'm afraid your wife may have gone into labour.

What?

But she can't have. She's not due for months.