Original subtitles

Ozzy, why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

Ozzy, why does a love kiss stay in my memory?

Which I'm gonna run from.

Hey,

be a good girl.

Going somewhere nice?

Food and chips, I expect.

Probably end up at the Avon Cool Downs later.

Nick, how is Jo?

Well, she's still pretty cut up.

Hardly surprising, I suppose.

Only... What?

At the end of the day, she's still her mother.

So? Well, if she and Jo continue like this, it's bound to cast a shadow over

what should be a happy time for you both.

I don't know what I can do about it, Eileen.

Some things are best tackled sooner rather than later.

Open wounds tend to fester.

It's paid for, Claude.

What, it's somebody's birthday?

Yours, I'd say.

Who's done that, then?

The lady over there.

Helen Eyewater?

It's a long time since anybody called me that, Claude. You must have quieted

down a bit.

How long's it been?

82 years, 90?

Well, it feels like that sometimes.

I tell you something, you don't change much, you know. You always did know how

to flatter a girl, didn't you, Claude?

Sounds like me.

Have you seen what's been dumped outside?

One could hardly miss it. And you just stutter and let them do it?

What am I supposed to do? Hermit up under the wheels?

You do appreciate what this looks like for a man in my position?

What position?

Special... comfortable in darkest Yorkshire.

What do you know about it, woman?

Don't you dare call me woman. I bet you wouldn't call her woman.

I'm not going to listen to any more of this rubbish.

Something needs to be done about that.

Will this help?

You realise

you've still not told me what you were doing back

here? I was going to pay a surprise visit to my old friend Monica Ashurst.

You need to do it through a medium. She's been in the graveyard for about

months. So I've just found out.

You'd have thought somebody would have told me.

Now I'm stranded here.

No way of getting back to Sheffield tonight.

Any more news about George?

Not good.

Auntie Mary said he's really poorly.

Could be a bit of a long job by the sound of it. Poor old thing.

Can you cope on your own?

Just about.

Well, Nick's been dropping in last thing, so you've everything all right.

that help a bit?

Well, that's something, I suppose.

Mind you, from the look of him, he's minding some other things these days.

Yeah.

It must have come as a bit of a shock to find out she was getting a copper for

her son -in -law.

I don't see why.

And even if it did, so what?

As far as I'm concerned, if that's how she feels, she can lump it. And that's

what I'll tell Dad tomorrow.

You feeling him?

We rang up to say you'd come over after work to discuss a few things.

Like what?

It's pretty obvious, isn't it?

You shouldn't be like that with your parents, Jack.

Well, what do you want me to do, Nick? Pick up the phone and beg Mum's

forgiveness?

Just let the dust out of it, OK?

You're going to have enough to worry about.

Getting ready for the big event, right?

I suppose so.

I can have a word with Jeannie, you know, if you like. See if she's got a

for you.

I can't afford to stay here.

I suppose there's always a waiting room at the station.

Well, yeah, you don't have to do that. I mean, I've got a spare room at my place

I rent out and down again. You know, I mean, I wouldn't charge you, naturally.

Oh, Claude, that would be wonderful.

I won't get too raving mad till you've seen it. I mean, it's not exactly the

guest room of Windsor Castle, you know, but I mean, if you're stuck... Well, I

am.

Drink up and I'll tell you for a shifty.

Middensfield's very own answer to Fabian of the Yard. I want a word, madam.

Oh, yes?

About that muck you dumped on my drive.

Which muck? You know which.

Look, Cowley, if you can prove it was all did it, then get on with it.

Only I reckon you can't, or you'd have lost a real bobby along with you.

I like the pair of you.

Drummed out of this village.

If it's the last thing on earth I do.

Well, then.

Let's just hope it doesn't ever come to that.

Eh, Cowley?

Love?

Well, this is it. What do you think?

Oh, no, this will be fine, Claude.

Eh, it's like it happened one night, isn't it?

What do you mean?

You know, that old picture with Clark Gable.

Oh, I... Those were the days, eh?

You and me in the cuddling seats, back row of the Roxy.

Oh, that were you, were it? I often wondered who it was. Hey!

The changing of sunlight to moonlight

Reflections of my life Oh,

how they feel

Reckless, Sarge.

Sitting in a traffic jam up on Realmore Flaming Road.

The council are digging up that entire section.

There's going to be jams there for at least another month.

I thought you'd have realised, Sarge.

I did realise that, Bellamy.

I also realised I asked you lot to arrange for a special constable to be up

there on duty in the rush hour to keep the traffic moving.

Oh, we did, Sarge. I worked out the roster myself.

Then there's obviously been a breakdown in communication because there's no

special up there at the moment.

Now, Bellamy, get up there and start sorting things out.

And you, Ventress, you can dig out this mythical roster of yours and find out

who should be on duty up there today.

Oh, is this a social call, Rowan?

I just called in to drop these reports off, Sarge.

Oh, well, in that case, don't let it keep you from your many more pressing

duties. Right, Sarge.

Who's supposed to be on duty?

Well, well, well.

Your friend and mine, Hector Cowan.

Really?

It's not like him to miss out on a bit of traffic duty.

Why, it's nothing more than to boss some motorists round.

Well, there's no reply.

I'll drop in and see him on the way back, find out what's going on.

I'm just leaving, Sarge.

Morning, Ellen.

That sizzling sounds musical.

Oh, yes.

That's what they call a hearty breakfast where I come from. Somebody do you

hang, do they?

You, if I have any more of your lip.

All right for you?

Gun a duck.

I hope you don't mind.

I took the liberty of washing a few of your shirts and things.

That must have surprised them.

No, you wash whatever you like, love.

I tell you the honest truth, you know. You don't have to rush off. You can stop

here as long as you like.

Oh. It might be quite nice, really.

See a few of the old places again.

Oh, there you are then. You see it yourself.

Thanks very much.

You don't thank me.

The pleasure's all mine. Yes, then.

Hey.

Don't do that.

Oh, sorry.

I'm gonna knock on your door, ring on your bell, tap on your window too.

If you don't come out tonight while the moon is bright, I'm gonna knock and ring

and tap until you do.

I'm gonna knock on your door, call out your name, wake up the town you'll see.

I'm gonna hoolay.

Is your husband in, Mrs Cowley?

No. Any idea when he'll be back?

Afraid not, no.

He was supposed to be on traffic duty this morning. He never turned up.

Afraid I wouldn't know anything about that constable.

Hector's policing commitments are entirely his own affair in any case.

I haven't seen him since yesterday evening.

Really? He said he was going over to sort out the sutures about this.

What, you're telling me that was done without your permission?

It was without our permission. Having a pile of... outside your door, hardly a

property -enhancing feature, Constable.

Why do you think they did it?

I imagine it's due to the fact that Hector and Mrs Such had a certain

of opinion of late.

What about?

One of their wretched pigs got out and vandalised Hector's winter pans, as you

know how paranoid he is about his beloved garden, so...

Hector tried to organise a local petition to have them closed down, a

to which Mrs Nutt took a violent exception.

So what happened when he went round to see them?

No idea, Constable. I had a pill and took an early night.

OK, Mrs Cowley.

When you do see him, tell him Sergeant Blaketon wants to speak to him.

What do you want?

The pig manure that was dumped on the Cowleys Drive yesterday.

Oh, yes?

We have reason to believe you may know something about it.

Really? You can prove that?

Well, not yet, if you touch.

We will be making further enquiries.

Where'd you get that tunic, Simon?

You bought it?

I bought it.

Where from?

A second -hand shop.

A second -hand shop?

What's the address?

I can't remember.

Was there a bit of an oath?

No, that'll do for now, thank you.

That told him, eh, Mum?

I told you there'd be trouble if anybody saw you in that rotten cot!

Hang on a minute!

Mum! That's my chair!

Who's dead, Claude?

What do you mean?

Well, the only time you wear a clean shirt and a tie is when you go to

funeral.

I'm not always then, eh?

Well, you get to my age, you realise there's more to life than just sleeping

supping. Oh, yeah?

Such as?

It gives the feel a nice clean line next to your skin. That and four square

meals a day. It's lovely.

The last day here, that's what they call being married.

Not necessarily.

I just wonder if Hector had surfaced yet, Mrs. Cowley.

Afraid not, no.

Can I ask you something about his uniform?

What about it?

Whether any of it's gone missing.

Missing?

Hardly think that lightly, Constable.

Hector does rather regard his uniform with the sort of reverence usually

accorded the crown jewels.

Right, thanks, Mrs. Cowley. When you do see him, tell him we feel like a word.

Right.

And he's all so good.

And he's all so fine.

And he's all so healthy in his body and his mind.

He's a well -respected man about town, doing the best things so good.

My mum's not in.

It's not your mum I want to talk to, Simon. It's you.

Oh? What about?

Well, this.

The starters.

I told you I bought it.

When?

You what?

Well, when did you buy it?

One day last week.

You bought it as recently as that and you can't remember where from?

H .C.

What about it?

Well, it probably stands for Hector Cowley.

Now, come on, Simon. Stop lifting me about and tell me where you got it from.

All right, I found it.

Well, where did you find it?

In here.

This morning.

What are you after this time?

How about the truth?

About what?

This.

Your Simon reckoned he didn't buy it in a secondhand shop after all, but found

your pigs chewing on it this morning.

So? You don't really expect me to believe that, do you? Why not?

I mean, you know what pigs are. They'll eat just about anything.

Or any body, for that matter.

Then I'm a bit picky of pigs.

Is this Hector Cowley's tunic or isn't it?

Well, that's impossible to face, Sarge, without Cowley confirming it, but

everything points that way.

Well, get him to confirm it and then find out what the suches were doing with

it. Yes, sir.

And let's not devote our entire working week to it. All we're talking about here

is the theft of a tunic. Oh, are we, Sarge?

Oh, is that remark supposed to have some sort of profound significance to it,

Bellamy? Well, it does seem a bit strange.

Cowley goes over to sort out the sutches last night and he hasn't been seen

since. And this morning his jacket turns up in their pigsty.

Very strange, I'd say.

It was his case recently.

Which case?

The murder charges had to be dropped.

His body couldn't be produced.

The suspicion being they'd been fed to pigs.

Well, you're not seriously suggesting this could have happened to Cowley. All

we've found so far is his coat.

Not a headless corpse.

I'm just making the point, Sarge.

I've come to think of it, though.

This could present us with a rare and welcome opportunity.

What did you have in mind, Sarge?

Well, to shake sweaty Betty up a bit. And what better way of doing it than for

three great airy policemen to suddenly descend on her? If nothing else, it'll

get Ventress out into the fresh air again.

On what grounds, Sarge?

Well, that they're just... might be something in this wild flight of fancy

merits further investigation of her property.

So, lads, have you got your wellies with you?

Well, yes. Some of them are all good.

Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, do you?

I'll try and force it down.

Joe! Dad!

I wasn't expecting you so early.

Good to see you.

Are you coming back to the cottage? I can make some supper later.

I'd better not. I don't want to be too long.

Your mother's been having rather a lot of headaches recently.

Since we told her about the wedding, I suppose.

I'm stiff from driving.

Why don't we take a walk?

I don't know what it is you think you're looking for, only you're not finding

out, you know.

Well, you've got nothing to worry about, Mrs Satch.

All I'm worried about is them poor beasts.

Only they're very particular, our pigs, about the sort of company they keep.

Nick?

Here.

Look at this.

Trousers.

Yeah, standard issue by the look of it.

Oh,

well, don't look at me.

I don't doubt about it.

Mum, we'll just have to get used to the idea that Nick and I are going to be

married. There's no use our coming down with imaginary ailments. They're not

imaginary, Jo.

All right, I'm sorry.

All right.

But that's not why I came over. There's something I've got to tell you.

About the cottage.

The cottage?

They don't want to put the rent up today.

No.

Do you remember old Hartley died last year?

The one we'd heard nothing. We assumed his children were going to carry on with

the arrangement we'd been renting for so long.

But they want it back.

They can't just evict me.

They don't have to.

The lease is up for renewal next month.

Next month?

They want me out within the month.

Just as well you get him married, isn't it? Not yet.

It's not your fault, Dad.

If you need any help with finding another place... It's going to be hard

Aidensfield. There simply aren't that many empty properties.

I'm sorry, love.

Don't worry, Dad. Something will turn up.

Here, love.

It's a nice fresh leek. Planted and picked with me old lily white.

Oh, lovely.

I know.

Tea in the pot?

Oh, Claude, love, look at the state of me floor.

Pardon? Well, you're making dirty marks with your mucky boots.

I must have been an hour on me knees this morning.

Must have been a bit painful.

I'm sorry, I'll take them off.

Oh, not in here, are you?

Oh, no, no, no, of course not.

Don't you start.

Right, well, let's go through this one more time, shall we?

You're not denying that Special Constable Cowley came round here to see

night? Why should I?

Complaining about the stuff you dumped on his drive earlier.

Complain about stuff he alleged we dumped on his drive?

As a result of which, an argument took place, right?

Well, I sent him off with a flea in his ear, if that's what you mean.

Was that all that happened?

How did perhaps one thing lead to another?

Isn't it exactly something you're famous for, is it, Betty?

Self -restraint.

Right then now, Simon.

Fetch it in.

What? You know what.

Oh, that.

Right.

Fetch what in?

You'll see.

And this will bear a...

They're supposed to have some bearing on the case, is it? I'd say so.

For starters.

Where did it come from, eh?

Tell them where we found it, Simon.

By the pig's diet.

When? This morning.

What's that supposed to prove?

You're the Sherlock's round here. You tell us.

Only hurt things last night, did ask Simon.

What sort of things?

Noises.

Hardly surprising.

The diet full of pigs.

No, eating noises.

They sort of did, they make, when they feed him.

Only they'd already been fed.

What exactly are you suggesting?

Let's just say, if that great Nellie Cowley did end up getting fed to our

last night by a person or persons unknown, whoever did it would have

wheelbarrow to bring him over here in.

Yeah, always assuming, of course, it wasn't you and simple Simon here who did

it. If we had, we wouldn't have needed no wheelbarrow, would we?

Being what you might call on the spot already like.

And especially not somebody else's wheelbarrow.

I mean, if it had been us who'd done it, we'd have used our own wheelbarrow,

wouldn't we?

Hey, what's Alfred been up to this whole time?

He's just had a bath.

A bath?

I bet he enjoyed that.

He was stinking the place out.

What's all that white stuff he's got over him?

Ah, now that's another thing that was long overdue. What?

The Lows thing.

I don't know how you've managed to live round here as long as you have without

touching something.

That was Elter's gun.

He'd done him out.

There's something for him too.

Outside.

Outside?

Well, it's hardly hygienic, is it, him eating in the same room as you?

Time you built him a kennel.

A kennel?

But he used to be in an air. He always has done.

Well, that explains a lot.

Like why you can't sit down in a chair without getting covered in dog hairs.

No, I'm serious, Claude. Time that dog had a kennel.

He just gone.

I'm not that hungry.

Oh, Maggie, it never rains but it pours. Why, what's up?

I think I'm out of petrol.

Hop in, I'll give you a lift down to the garage.

Thanks, Maggie.

So, what else is up?

I've got to move out of the cottage.

Why? Dad can't renew the lease.

So where are you going to go?

I don't know.

There's nothing to rent in the village as far as I know.

And I can hardly move into the police house, can I?

Well, no.

You could always have my spare room if you want.

Are you sure?

Of course I am. I'd enjoy the company.

You let me know when you want to move in.

Maggie, you're a lifesaver.

Where are the clothes now, then?

On their way over to Forensics, Carter. Right.

Well, until we hear back from them, we say nothing about this to anybody. Is

that clear?

Yes, Arch.

Especially not CID.

Because if this turns out to be a product of Ventress's fevered

could end up the laughingstock of the entire division.

In the meantime, I want some discreet inquiries made, just to see if anybody

else heard or saw anything funny the other night.

And Mrs Cowley?

Has she been alerted we want to hear from Cowley the moment he surfaces?

Yeah, Sergeant.

All right, well, we'll leave it like that for now.

The last thing we want is for her to start getting upset.

Right, Sergeant.

What's up?

What's he doing here?

What? Oh, I'm sorry, Ellen. You can't really blame him, though. It's usually

bed. Get him off me!

And the big bear said, he said, who's been eating my curry?

What's all this I hear about Hector Cowley, then?

What have you heard?

That he came to a sticky end in such his pigsty. Who told you that? It's all

over the village.

Terrific. Right, hold it, dear. Hold tight.

Here.

Worms. They say what about us?

There's an ugly rumour, sweeping agent Philventus, that a certain special

constable has been fed to such as pigs.

Really, sir?

Yes, really, Ventus.

And I don't suppose for one minute that either of you two bright sparks have any

idea where it came from, have you?

Well, not at all, Sarge.

It's shocking how these things seem to get out, though, isn't it, Sarge? Not

half as shocking as what's going to happen to the big -mouthed, responsible

Ventress when I happen to identify him.

A man with a deeply distrustful nature is Sergeant Blaketon.

I've often noticed it about him.

Excuse me asking, what's this?

It's your breakfast.

Breakfast? What's happened to all the sausages and fried bread and black

and that?

It's very bad for you, all that fried food.

And you're very overweight, you know.

Well, more of me to get old of, isn't there?

No, I've made up my mind.

We're going to have to get you into healthy eating.

How long do you think you'll actually be stopping now?

Well, it's like you say, there's no rush.

And the more I see of Aidensfield, the more I realise how much I've missed the

old place.

I know, but you know, the trouble is, you see, folk are beginning to talk.

Talk, Claude?

Ah, you know, about you and me, you know, our arrangement.

What arrangement?

Well, the way we're living together, you know. I mean, some of them think it's a

bit like over the brush.

Well, you know what I say to that, don't you?

Let them.

After all, this is supposed to be the swinging 60s.

Right?

Right.

Can I help you?

In what way?

Do you mind?

It's because I mind that I'm here, love.

Some sort of problem, isn't it?

These rumours you lot have been spreading about us.

That's the problem.

It's all right, Eileen. I'll speak to her.

What is it you wanted to say, Mrs. Satch?

That we never laid a finger on him.

And we can prove it.

Can't we, Simon?

We've got a witness.

What witness?

Her boyfriend.

Pardon?

My boyfriend.

He happened to be in our kitchen having a brown ale when Cowley turned up the

other night.

Well, he saw him leave unscathed and untouched.

Is this...

Boyfriend willing to testify to that, Mrs. Such?

On one condition.

And what's that?

That his name's left out of it.

You see, he has a toppy -nosed little wife who doesn't approve of our

relationship.

I see.

Now there are three steps through heaven.

Just listen.

A boyfriend.

Sweaty Betty.

I've just spoken to him, Sarge.

And he confirms everything she tells us. In fact, his story is he stayed the

entire night with her.

So if something really has happened to Cowley, the suches are in the clear.

Mr.

Greengrass.

All depends who wants to know.

Would that be Claude Jeremiah Greengrass?

Goodbye, Miss Ellen.

Ellen said I'd probably find you in here.

Ellen? My wife, Ellen.

I'm Archie.

I'm her husband.

It's a shame, such a shame, such a shame.

Mrs Cowley. Oh, honestly.

You policeman.

I'm always telling Hector about that.

Creeping up on people.

I'm sorry.

There's something I wondered if you could help us with.

Oh, yes.

Do you know if it's Hector's jacket?

Could be.

But then again, one policeman's uniform's very much like another.

There are some initials inside.

Well, I suppose that confirms it.

Hector is inclined to put labels on things.

Where did you get it?

It turned up yesterday in the pigsty over at Such's place.

Pigsty?

Along with a pair of police trousers, a boot and a policeman's whistle.

Good grief.

You wouldn't have any idea how they could have got there, I suppose.

Why, nurse, would I?

He still hasn't been back, then? Well, if he has, I certainly haven't seen him.

Isn't that a bit unusual?

It depends, Constable.

On what?

Whether you happen to be having words or not.

Did you and Hector have words, then?

Our married life has been one long history of having words.

Did you have any family?

A sister.

Would she know where he was?

Oh, I'm sure she would. But I doubt if she'll help you at the moment.

Why not?

He's away on holiday.

There's not been a lot going on, you know, Archie.

Going on?

Yeah, you know.

Anky -panky and all that. I mean, all I did was offer her a bed. I mean, in the

spare room, you know. I mean, I tell you the honest truth, I didn't even know

she was married until you turned up.

She never told you? No, not a word.

Well, you don't want to go worrying yourself.

We're a very liberated couple, me and Ellen, you know.

Really? Oh, aye.

Besides, she told me all about it when she asked me to bring her things.

What things?

Clothes and that.

Like she said, this day's worked out longer than she originally thought.

Really?

A pearl beyond price, my wife.

In fact, the only thing that matters to me in the whole world is my wife's

happiness.

And if happiness for her is moving in with you, so be it.

Hang on, Archie. I've got a note like that in mind.

That's the $64 ,000 question, Claude.

What does she have in mind?

I'll tell you this.

Once that woman gets an idea in her head, why...

The horses won't shift it.

Go and get two large scotches.

The report from forensic, Sarge.

They've done all the tests. There's no signs of blood on the clothing.

Not that that proves anything either way, Rowan. The state that clothing was

after the pigs had finished with it. Well, there is still the wheelbarrow,

Sarge. Where's that now, then?

Over at my place.

And you had something in mind, did you?

Well, I was wondering if we might show it to Mrs Cowley.

See if she recognised it.

Why don't we both show it, Rowan?

Right, Charles.

Helen! I brought somebody to see you!

Helen!

Helen, I... Where the devil's she gone to? She's probably down in the shops.

Always been very fond of her shopping, has she?

I don't believe this.

Something wrong, Mr. Claude?

I've been flaming robbed.

That's what's wrong.

This is the one, sir. All right. Well, we'll take it round to her.

See what she's got to say for herself.

What do you want, Greengrass?

I want her naked.

You want who naked?

Her as has just robbed me.

So there's this woman you've been shacking up with. The moment your back's

turned, helps herself to your petty cash, is that right?

No, it's not right, because there were no shacking up, as you call it, going

Well, how would you describe it, then?

She were a guest.

Aye. So how much do you estimate was taken from this box, Claude?

Well, at least three quid. It could have been four.

She often goes through my pockets.

And where exactly do you fit into this sad and sordid little saga, sir?

I'm her husband.

Her husband?

Well, it seems to me, Greengrass, you've obviously had a right little ménage à

trois going on at your place.

What are you talking about?

It's French, Claude. I know what it is, and I know what it means. It's not far

short of being slandered, because it weren't like that. Of course not.

Well, are you going to do something about it or not? That's all I want to

I'll call round later and get the details, Claude.

I won't hold my breath.

Well, what's going on, Rowan?

How do you mean, Sarge? Well, first sweaty Betty, now Greengrass.

Is there something in the water around here these days?

I just don't know what to do with myself.

What exactly have you been burning here, Mrs Cowley?

Just a few old jackets and things.

Do you often burn your husband's clothes?

Well, only the ones I'm sick of the sight of.

Hector does rather hang on to his clothes like he's saving them for

so when he's out and away, he sees me opportunity.

Did you notice the wheelbarrow part round the front, Mrs Cowley? Yes.

Yours, is it? No.

It was found abandoned over at the Such's farm the day your husband's

turned up.

Really? So where's yours, then? I don't actually possess a wheelbarrow,

Constable. What, in a garden this size?

The garden isn't regarded as my responsibility, Sergeant.

Does Mr Cowley own a wheelbarrow?

Oh, yes.

And unless I'm very much mistaken, it's the one parked around the front at the

moment.

All right, Mrs Cowley, let's continue this conversation inside, shall we?

Ah, coppers around here are a waste of time.

And because they know it's mine, they probably won't even bother. Hello,

love. Ellen, me love.

How are you? I'm fine, thank you. I brought the case like you wanted. Good,

understand. Yes, I've got the... Excuse me.

Excuse me!

I'm sorry to break up this happy family, but do you know what about this?

About what?

The money out of my box. There were over three quid in there when I went out

this morning.

Three pound ten shilling to be exact.

So you're not denying it were you that took it then? Definitely not. What was I

supposed to use? My own money?

Use for what?

To get all this health food stuff.

What, you mean to say you spent my hard -earned breath buying that load of muck?

Here's a list of everything I bought.

It's all priced and accounted for.

And here's your change.

What there is of it.

Ah. No crimes being committed, no arms being done.

And if you tell the police, I'm sure they'll understand, Claude. Police?

You mean to tell me you've reported me to the police?

Where is your husband?

I've no idea.

People don't just disappear.

You do realise, madam, you can be prosecuted for obstructing the police if

carry on like this.

Mrs Cowley, your husband's gone missing.

We've reasonably felt it might have happened to him. Now, will you please

playing games and tell us what all this is about?

The row was over her again.

Are you telling us there's another woman involved?

His sister, would you believe?

His sister?

This time I told them. Enough, enough.

There's nowhere I'm going. Not this time.

Going where?

Her husband, of course.

And if you think Hector's boring, you should see him.

I'm sorry, Mrs Kelly, I'm not really following this. For the past decade,

year, we've gone on holiday with them.

Now, that's his sister and your husband, right?

In their dreary little caravan.

But this time I told them, I put my foot down, I said, I don't want to. I've had

enough.

So then what happened?

I've just told you.

I said, if you want to go, go, I said.

Go.

And?

He went.

Well, hang on, Mrs Cowley. For the past two days, you've been telling me you had

no idea where he went.

I don't.

They could be anywhere.

We never knew where the caravan was going to be parked, you see.

So we got there.

She sees that as a further little treat for us, I suppose.

Our annual holiday surprise.

Well, why didn't you tell us all this in the first place?

Instead of letting my constables run round like headless chickens, thinking

might have been murdered.

Well, thinking about it now, I should have, I suppose, but I was worried, you

see. About what?

About dumping his uniform in such a big style like that.

I began thinking I'd committed an offence.

You know.

Being police property and the hat.

And you had, Mrs Cowley.

Not to mention obstructing the police in the execution of their duty.

Right.

You might as well have this while you're here.

It is addressed to you.

I imagine it's a letter from Hector advising you won't be available for duty

while he's away on holiday.

When was this written?

A week ago.

He gave it to me to post.

It was just about the time we had the row.

Another of my little jobs.

Beautiful wife.

Posted letters for him.

Provide stamps.

All set then, my love?

Oh, yes.

If you want to change your mind, stay a bit longer.

I've no objection.

Take me home, Archie.

Right, love.

Hector, you're back.

What's all this then about you wanting to change your name to Lazarus?

Sergeant Blackton is in, is he?

Oh, and it's about my uniform, you see.

I'm going to need to have it replaced.

I'll just go and see.

All right.

Yes. Special Constable Cowley, Sarge. He's just back from holiday.

Wondering if he can have a word about his uniform.

Well, show him in, Rowan.

Show him in.

Seven seconds exactly.

I thought so.

You're slowing down.

Definitely slowing down.

What does a love chip say in my memory?