Original subtitles

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- The 1980s was all about

"The Sally Jessy Raphael Show."

She was a white lady with three names,

two shoulder pads, and one concept--

worrying people about nothing.

Bye, Mom. - Okay.

Be safe out there, Drew, Chris, or Tonya.

- Up next, we're gonna discuss

the dangers of brothers who aren't friends.

[audience murmuring]

- [gasps]

- Distant siblings today,

crackheads and murderers tomorrow.

- Why aren't you and Drew going to school together?

- Uh, we don't really hang out there.

[funky music]

[laughter]

- What? Y'all ain't friends at school?

Do you want him to be a crackhead murderer?

- No?

- You and your brother should be inseparable,

like best friends. - [sighs]

- I don't want him ending up in the wrong crowd.

You better stick to each other like Cain and Abel.

- She just read "The Bible for Dummies."

Why? Drew's friends are harmless.

Most of them belong to a dojo.

- Dojo one day, white blow the next.

It's your job to look out for him.

And if you don't, you're gonna have to look out for this.

[suspenseful musical sting]

[upbeat hip-hop music]

- [panting] Drew! Wait.

Wouldn't it be fun if you rode the bus today with me?

Please?

- Mm, okay, sure.

Go on without me.

all: Aw.

- This is the worst day of my life.

- [sighs] Crap.

Jerome's out on the stoop today.

- What's up, little dude from across the street?

Let me hold a dollar.

[ethereal choral vocalization]

Oh, my Black Jesus.

Let me give you a dollar.

- Uh? - Thanks.

This will replace the one I lost doing magic.

- And here's a little something for you, Drew's brother.

- Ow. What the f-- [bus horn honks]

Shoot. [honking continues]

♪ ♪

- [growls]

No seats.

- Here you go, Drew.

Take mine.

- [grunts]

Here, Drew.

Please, sit.

- Whoo!

- Next, Nancy Reagan shows us how to give the perfect--

- Tonya, don't go yet.

Now that Drew is going to Chris's school,

you'll be the first one home every day.

So we've decided you're ready for your own key.

- [gasps]

[dramatic electronic music]

By the power of this key,

I am a grown-up!

- I can't believe it. [sniffles]

My little girl's a latchkey kid.

- Finally.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Hold on. This is a big responsibility.

We're trusting you to let yourself in

and mind the house alone.

- Don't flash the key around, don't let anyone in,

and keep all the windows and doors locked.

- You think burglars don't know how to climb?

Their hands are good for two things--

climbing and burglaring.

Okay, get going. Love you, baby.

- [humming]

Ah! - [grunts]

- Son of a bitch.

- And now we're gonna hear from a parent

whose son chased a slinky off a bridge.

- Rochelle, guess what I got.

- I know what you got. It got me three kids.

- No.

It's a two-for-one coupon for that seafood place

that also plays baseball games.

Catch of the Day.

Let's do a date night there.

- I'm not going to no seafood restaurant.

Sally Jessy did an episode where

a beautiful, hardworking mother of three ate fish,

and do you know what happened?

- She thanked her husband for dinner?

- She got gills, Julius.

You won't catch me eating no fish ever again.

Why don't you take one of your friends?

- Friends?

I got three kids, two jobs, one wife,

and zero seconds of free time.

Adult friends are for rich people.

- Oh, come on.

You've got plenty of friends.

Well, what about--

[wind whistling] [bird screeches]

Well, have fun at work, sweetie.

♪ ♪

- You didn't get robbed.

You got a seat on the bus, and the driver

gave you a lollipop?

- Weird, right? - Weird great.

When you're with Drew, you get trickle-down popularity.

His trickles are all over you.

- I don't want his trickles if it means

I'm just known as "Drew's brother."

- Look, it's already happening, and we gotta reap the benefits.

- [sighs]

I guess if people see me with him,

they'll think I'm cool too.

- Exactly.

People will think we're cool too.

'Sup, girl?

I'm Drew's brother's brother from another mother.

- [giggles]

- Hmm.

Before there was "American Ninja Warrior,"

my dad was the American no-time-for-friends warrior.

[adventurous music]

♪ ♪

He dodged situations that could lead to friendship

like Wesley Snipes dodged taxes.

- Morning, Julius.

My one-man show "The Great Fatsby" is this weekend.

- [imitates plane humming]

- I'd love for you to come!

- [grunting]

- Did you hear?

My doctor said the leaking is totally normal.

[muffled grunting] - Julius, I need your help.

I just backed my truck into one of our co--

- [grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

- Howdy. - [yelps]

Damn it! - Uh-oh.

- Who are you? - The name's Romeo.

First day. [chuckles]

Yeah, you know, uh, bosses said it'll take a week

to get my truck ready and, uh, to, uh,

tack on my deliveries onto yours.

Heh. Yeah.

[nervous chuckle]

[engine turns over]

Okay.

- Hey. I was just looking for you.

Wanna go on a date with us? - Date?

Yes!

Oh, God, I never thought this would happen for me.

- We meant with Drew.

- Cool. Sounds like fun.

- But you can come, too...

[voice echoing] Drew's brother.

[dramatic music]

- Greg was right.

Even if it meant being stuck in Drew's shadow

and seen as Drew's brother, I didn't care,

because Drew's brother had a date.

Well, Drew had it, but I'd be there,

and he can't multitask.

- [whimpers]

If I don't get inside, Mama's gonna kill me,

Mr. Omar's gonna have to plan my funeral.

[gasps] Mr. Omar!

That's it! - W--what's it?

What did you find? - Oh, hey, Kill Moves.

I figured out how to get into the apartment

before Mama's done with her errands.

And I just remembered Mr. Omar always comes home

at 3:15 to console a widow.

- Excuse me.

I'm being summoned by my dark lord.

[laughs]

- Thanks, Mr. Omar.

See you tomorrow at 3:15.

- Actually, Miss Tonya, no, you will not.

I'll be at a casket convention in Atlantic City.

Tragic!

- [chuckles nervously]

Atlantic City? What?

- Come on, sweet cheeks.

Let's fill that hole in your heart.

- [giggles]

- [groans]

[dog barking]

- How was your day, baby?

- Informative.

I watched a Sally Jessy episode about how men can get pregnant;

they just choose not to.

- That's great. [exhales]

Oh, God, am I pregnant? We can't afford a new baby.

We can't afford our old babies!

- Julius, calm down.

I wanna hear about your day.

- Oh. I had coffee, ate half a donut.

[grunts]

Shared my truck with a guy named Romeo,

ate the other half of the donut.

[snores]

- Hold up. - [yelps]

- You have a truck buddy?

That's great, baby.

What's he like? What y'all talk about?

- Uh...

- [coughs]

- Julius, that poor man didn't ask to be stuck with you.

The least you could do is be nice to him.

- The least you can do is let me sleep.

- Sally Jessy also said men who sass their wives

mysteriously disappear.

See you in the morning.

Maybe. - Eep.

[switch clicks]

- Where's that damn spare key?

- Tonya, what are you doing?

- Nothing, Mama.

I thought you were out. What are you doing?

- Walking around in my house.

Ooh, I'm glad you haven't left for school yet.

Come here.

This meat needs to thaw before dinner.

I have a hair appointment this afternoon,

so I need you to put it in the oven

right when you get home at 2:30 and not a minute after.

The second worst thing after a burglar

is salmonella, the burglars of meat.

- Yes, Mama.

Crap.

Now how am I gonna get in today?

[gasps]

The window.

[furtive music]

Tonya, this is why you're everyone's favorite.

- Phil Hartman might be the funniest

"SNL" cast member right now. - What?

Eddie Murphy's the all-time best

for that James Brown sketch alone.

[as Eddie Murphy] Uh, good God!

- Eddie Murphy is the all-time best

for that James Brown sketch alone.

- Uh, that's what I just said.

Hello? Can you guys hear me?

By being in Drew's shadow,

I ended up with no identity at all.

I was like the Asian dude in Black Eyed Peas.

- Hey, Drew.

Where's Drew's brother?

- Brandy! I'm right here!

- Yeah, I haven't seen Drew's brother all day.

- Hello.

Drew's brother, right behind you.

- Mm, that's too bad.

I was gonna let him take me out and pay for everything,

but for some reason, I just don't

feel like using him anymore.

- No!

- [grunts]

Morning, Julius.

- Ah.

both: Coffee, sugar, cream, cream, cream.

- Huh.

- [chuckles] We're cream brothers.

- Ew.

- The least you can do is be nice.

Don't you stir me away, Ju--

[burbling]

- Romeo, uh, if you get a coffee when they restock,

you can take a few extra Styrofoam cups.

Never mind.

- You know, um, if you come between 8:50 and 9:00 a.m.,

you can take the day-old donuts before they're trashed.

I'm pretty cheap.

- Me too.

- You ever made your own toothbrush?

- Why?

I got a perfectly good one right here.

- Damn.

[school bell rings]

- Greg, can you see me?

- Yes.

Uh, why wouldn't I be able to?

- Because no one else can. Wait.

Maybe you can see me

because you're an even bigger loser than I am.

- Yeah, exactly. Wait, I don't want that.

- Being Drew's brother has made me a nobody,

and I need to figure out how to get out of his shadow.

- Okay, but would you rather go back to being

a skinny nerd that everyone hates?

- What? No. Both are terrible options.

I wanna have my own cool thing.

That day I tried anything and everything

to create a new identity.

Backpack in front guy!

- No.

- Literal class clown guy.

- No. - Damn it.

Antihero teen heartthrob guy.

- No one's gonna buy that. - Hey, guys. What's up?

- [as Eddie Murphy] Oh, good God!

- [chuckles] Chris, that was dope.

You guys, check this out.

- Uh...

[as Eddie Murphy] It's too hot in the hot tub.

[laughter] - Eddie Murphy?

- That's funny.

- Hey, you're really good at that.

- Wow, you did it.

You're out of Drew's shadow,

and you found your own personality.

Doing an impression of a guy

doing an impression of another guy.

[upbeat music]

- [gasps]

[tense music]

If there's a burglar, I'll cut your burgling hands.

♪ ♪

[music stops]

That's what I thought.

- Our next guests are the four elderly prostitutes

who inspired "Golden Girls."

- What are you doing home?

- I finished my deliveries early,

and I've wanted to nap before going back.

- How nice.

Did a certain new friend have something to do with it?

- He might have.

- Just say I was right, Julius.

- Of course you were right.

Romeo and I actually have a lot in common.

In fact, we're getting dinner.

- Oh, that's great, baby,

especially 'cause now I don't have to go.

I bet his wife would be happy to have a night

to herself too. - Oh, no wife.

He's single. - Nope.

Can't ever see him again.

- Rochelle, you can't tell me who I can and can't see.

- Julius, single men his age are trouble.

They go to strip clubs, have weird pets.

Their lips are always chapped.

- Rochelle, that's crazy.

Let me guess-- that's what Sally said?

You gotta watch something else.

- She said you would say that.

- I think you're overreacting.

- [grunts] - Look at that.

Nap time's over. Back to work.

[door opens, closes]

- Oh.

- My man works so hard,

and I wish I hadn't pushed him to make friends.

Now he has no jobs, two wives, and six kids.

[audience gasps]

- To think this wouldn't have happened

if you let your man live his life, Rochelle.

[dramatic tone]

- You don't know me, Sally.

I'm done.

- Chris, I heard you do a good Eddie Murphy.

I love him.

He's the right kinda you people.

Stand up and let me see it.

- Okay.

If you insist.

[as Eddie Murphy] Do you think we got a pop quiz?

Ah, ah. I think we got a pop quiz.

Good God! Hey!

[laughter]

Ow. - You're not funny.

The only reason people are laughing

is 'cause Drew told them to.

You suck, James Black.

- [laughs]

- That's funny?

- [gasps] What the hell?

It's closed!

[gasps] Oh, no.

The meat burglars.

[unsettling music]

all: [yawning]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Salmonella! Salmonella!

- If that salmonella don't kill me, my mama will.

- Did you tell people to laugh at my impressions?

- Yeah. What's the big deal?

- Do you know how that feels?

[somber organ music]

♪ ♪

The big deal is that it's embarrassing.

- Well, Mom asked me to look out for you, so...

- But I'm your older brother.

I'm the one who's supposed to be looking out for you.

- How could you look out for me?

[sinister music]

- [grunts]

- Hey!

As Sensei Jason says, hugs before shoves,

but shoves deserve shoves.

[both grunting]

crowd: [chanting] Drew! Drew! Drew!

- I hate going to school with you.

[grunts]

- [yelps] You ripped my favorite shirt.

[students gasp]

- [gasps] Oh, that was an accident.

- [growls]

- Ah!

If that kick had been one inch lower,

I wouldn't have kids.

[moans]

- I'm so busted.

- What you doing, little unfunny dude

from across the street sister?

- I lost my house key and can't get back in.

My parents are gonna be pissed.

- No problem, shorty.

I got you.

[grunts]

- [gasps] Jerome!

You broke our window!

- You're welcome.

[furtive music]

♪ ♪

[bacteria chattering]

[all screaming]

- This isn't the last of us!

[indistinct shouting]

[screaming]

- [exhales deeply]

Now, how do I blame this on Chris?

- Hey-hey, Big J. [chuckles] Ah, excited for tonight.

You know, your, uh-- your boy here

doesn't go out to restaurants that much.

- You're married to your job.

Hell, I would be, too, if I hadn't

already married Rochelle.

- No, because I just eat at the strip club.

- Oh.

- Speaking of, let me say thanks

for dinner by taking you to dessert at, uh,

Jiggle 'n Juice.

- Uh, I don't know.

- Come on, they have unlimited breasts and thighs.

And chicken.

The cover is 50 bucks,

but you get ten minutes in the Rosé Room.

- $50?

I thought you said you were cheap.

- I am--so I can spend money on my true passions.

Strippers, sparkling wine, and my jaguar.

- You drive a Jaguar?

- No! The animal.

Ah, not supposed to have it in my apartment, but, God,

he's barely attacked anyone but me.

- Whoa. Ugh.

[sighs]

Romeo, I'm a family man.

So, sadly, I'm gonna have to take

a forever rain check on all that.

[soft R&B music]

- Guess we can, uh, only be work friends, then, huh?

♪ ♪

Uh, I should go see if my truck's ready.

- Hey, we'll always have

coffee, sugar, cream, cream, cream.

- Yeah.

Hey, Marquis!

See you at the Jiggle?

- [groans] - [mutters]

- Hmm, what happened to Drew's shirt?

And why are you holding your nuts?

- Uh, Drew and I got into a fight about--

oh, never mind.

It's none of your business.

- Boys, groceries! [car horn honks]

[sighs] I envy you boys.

It's hard making new friends.

The older you get, the less in common you have with folks.

All the friends I had when I was younger are gone.

Some moved, some died, some became cops.

You boys are lucky you have each other.

A brother's someone you always have time for.

He's a built-in friend.

- Like you and Uncle Louis?

- No. That chiropractor show-off.

He can rot in fake doctor hell,

right next to the podiatrists and dentists.

- Okay, my bad. Jeez.

- Boys, go wash up for dinner.

I'll help your dad with the rest.

- Did you say something to Dad, you narc?

- No.

He's probably just reflecting on his day, fool.

- Hey, baby.

- You were right. - I know.

About what?

- Let's just say me and Romeo

are only gonna be work friends.

[sighs] I guess I won't be using this.

- Pfft. You think we're rich?

We can't waste a coupon.

Date night? - Ah.

Dinner with my best friend and wife?

Best two-for-one there is.

- He had a pet tiger, didn't he?

- Nope. - Panther?

Leopard. Snow leopard.

- Aw, thanks for helping.

It's nice to be able to rely on you.

- Oh, Mama, if only you could.

I--I feel awful, Mama. Awful.

I had to break a window to get in and--

- You what?

- Drew and Chris got into a fight,

and the thought of my brothers fighting

broke my heart so much that I forgot where I put my key,

and I got locked out.

- Oh, baby, it's okay.

Go ask Daddy, and he'll get you another key.

- Tonya got away with it again.

But I got her back on her wedding day.

I upstaged her by just showing up.

- Excuse me.

I need to deal with your brothers.

[upbeat music]

- So, uh, is your shirt ripped that bad?

- Nah. I'm sure Mom could fix it.

Are your, you know, okay?

- I don't know yet.

It's like they're morphed into one.

We admitted respect for each other

the way every man does with his friends,

by not admitting a damn thing.

[sinister music]

- You were fighting?

I told both of you to stick together

so you wouldn't get in trouble and--

both: It's my fault.

- So if you're gonna punish us...

- You'll have to punish both of us.

- Sticking together now, huh?

Well, I'm glad my boys are friends.

- [sighs]

- But that ain't how this works.

Chris, you're the oldest,

and you should set a better example for your brother.

You know better.

Drew, leave us.

I'm gonna slap you into next Tuesday.

- Well, Sally, I was just sitting there

on a random Tuesday,

and then this other Chris showed up.

But there can be only one. - [gasps]

singers: ♪ Everybody still hates Chris ♪

[vocalizing]

[indistinct chatter]

[crunching, chewing]

[bat cracks, crowd cheers]

[soft upbeat music]

[crunching, scratching]

[squelching]

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