Original subtitles

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[scary music]

- Halloween on my block was dope.

It was the only time you could wear a mask

without white people thinking you were gonna rob 'em.

And people went all out.

The dude in the Reagan mask

won the scariest-costume contest three years in a row.

- No!

- Even businesses went hard for Halloween.

- $1, $1 will get you one small pumpkin.

$5, $5, that'll get you 5 pumpkins.

Now, that's math.

- But every Halloween, I got stuck doing Halloween chores.

[knock at door]

By the way, those are real cobwebs

we took off my dad's wallet.

[suspenseful musical flourish]

- Hey, Mr. Omar.

Is that what you look like without makeup?

- I don't wear makeup.

Maybe a little corpse blush.

But don't tell Widow Jarvis--

I mean, Jackson.

[chuckles]] Baby, why don't

you go upstairs and dry your pretty eyes on my silk sheets?

- Well, Happy Halloween, I guess.

- Wait!

I made you guys some of my world-famous pumpkin soup.

- [sniffs] What is that? $13.63 worth of soup?

Get in here!

- I just love Halloween-- the costumes,

the sweets, the worshipping of dead bodies.

How are you celebrating? - We're not.

My boss is throwing a Halloween party

and expects everyone to be there.

- And what are you kids doing on this All Hallows' Eve?

- Being forced into eating candy to look for glass,

razors, or needles.

I'm basically a crash test dummy for my lovely siblings.

- I'm just chilling this year, too.

So many girls want to hang out with me.

I don't know who to pick.

- Player to player, I understand.

Who's gonna take Miss Tonya trick-or-treating?

- I'm almost a grown woman.

What I look like begging people for candy?

- Too old for trick-or-treating?

Y'all lost your Halloween spirit.

Tragic. Tragic.

- Hey, wait a sec. [door opens, closes]

You guys are going out, and Drew and Tonya are staying in?

Does this mean I get to do my own thing?

- Well, as long as you don't bring home no ghost babies,

no zombie babies, no baby babies, no Franken-babies.

- This is gonna be the best night of my life.

[coughs]

[groans] Starting now.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

- Aw, man!

This is not fair.

Why do you get to be Batman,

and I have to be the Boy Wonder?

- It's called reparations, baby!

I can't believe I get to do my own thing this year.

Should I go to the Deadly DJ Jam?

- Eh.

- What about Nessa's scary hair show?

There's gonna be more women than men.

- Come with me to my uncle's party.

Last year, a couple of his coworkers

wore super-hot costumes.

Who knew ET had so much junk in the trunk?

[door opens] - They better not be

out of size-zero Sheila E. costumes up in here,

or somebody gon' get hurt.

- Oh, Tasha's coming this way.

Get out of here. - Oh!

- Hey, Chris. - Oh.

Hey, Tasha.

- Cool Batman outfit.

I was hoping to run into you.

- Oh, yeah.

[grunts]

- I'd love it if you'd be my special guest tonight.

- Hallow-clean, an all-night church lock-in.

- It'll be fun.

Pray on it.

- Chris, you're so in there.

- [sighs] No, I'm not.

She just invited me to church.

- She asked you to spend the night with her.

- Yeah, at church.

- She just wants a church man.

So go to church with her...

man!

- All the other events I was considering

would have girls at them.

But if I went to church,

it wouldn't be with just any girl.

It would be with "the" girl.

- Hi.

Is that the last Sheila E. size zero?

- Mm.

- Tasha, block that woman for Mommy!

- [sighs]

- [yawns]

[touch-tones beeping, line trills]

Hello, ma'am.

May I speak to Vanessa, please?

- Girl, you bored at work again?

You're using your white-lady voice.

- Nessa, help me.

These people are phony freaks.

Hey, how's your day going?

- Does it feel a tad warm?

I'm worried Todd's birthday cake will melt.

- You go change that thermostat, Martha.

- Oh, great idea. I'm on it.

- [groans] God.

- They've been shoving cake in your face

for every occasion, huh?

- [groans] Birthdays, anniversaries, power outages.

- White people love cake, child.

It's their collard greens.

- Ah, damn it!

I missed Risky's Trunkin' Patch.

- Girl, he had a pumpkin that looked exactly like Lou Rawls,

forehead and all.

We took Polaroids with it.

- I take my kids to Risky's every year.

It's tradition.

Ain't nobody getting in the way of me

spending time with my family.

I don't need this! My man has two jobs!

- Ooh, yes!

Whoo-hoo! Tim finally laid me off!

I'm free!

Suck it, Corporate America.

- Poor Chuck.

- You mean rich Chuck.

The company gives out big, fat severance packages for anyone

lucky enough to be laid off.

- Big, fat what now?

- What? They pay you not to work?

- If anyone at my job gets laid off for a non-fireable offense,

they get a lump sum of money plus benefits.

- But how? - You can't do nothing crazy.

You just have to be so annoying,

they ask you to leave.

It worked for Chuck.

That man ate tuna for lunch every day for months.

His tuna funk lives in infamy.

- Are you sure severance isn't just

an urban legend,

like Bigfoot or Black people living in Switzerland?

- Baby, it's real.

I've seen it with my own two eyes.

So will you make me the happiest woman in the world

and spend the rest of our Halloween annoying the hell

out of my boss? - Yes. Yes.

A million times, yes.

- In the '80s, behind-the-scenes footage

took all the fear out of scary movies.

- You know, eating soup just fuels the creative process.

- Of course, Drew and Tonya lost their Halloween spirit.

[knock at door, both sigh]

- Trick or-- - Trick or treat, yeah, yeah.

We get it. Here you go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Little vultures!

- I want that one. - [groans]

At this rate, we'll have no candy left for us.

- Wait.

Let's turn off all the lights and pretend we're not here.

- Why would we do that?

- So no one knocks on our door and takes our candy.

What are they teaching you in that white school?

- Oh...

We're not here!

- I was about to spend the night with Tasha,

and I had the perfect costume.

Damn, Bible fashion for boys is very limited.

It was either Moses or the Burning Bush.

- Ooh-whee!

I'm flaming for the Lord, y'all!

- Nice costume, Chris. I love your broom-handle staff.

- Sons and daughters, may I have your attention, please?

My only begotten son Pharaoh and I would like to welcome you

to our annual Hallow-clean,

the event that puts God where He belongs--

[laughs] On a shiny pedestal--

[laughs] And puts the devil where he belongs.

And where is that?

[together] In hell!

- That's right.

Now, I got to go out here and throw blessed oil on any kid

dressed like a vampire,

so my head of youth ministry will take it from here.

Sister Johnson, if you would.

So happy to have you. God bless ya.

- Hmm, thank you, Pastor Percy.

Follow me, little ones.

- Moses coming through. Let's part this sea of butts.

- Hey!

- For some reason, they put an old lady

with cataracts in charge.

That was like the blind leading the fine.

- Now, let's listen to some Jesus jams

on my favorite AM gospel radio

as I lock us in. [chuckles]

- Guess we're gonna be trapped in here together.

I'm so happy you were able to make it tonight.

- Young ladies, get on the other side

of that big partition out of the sight

of these impressionable young mens.

- Wait, what's happening?

I knew we had to leave room for the Holy Ghost

but not leave the actual room!

[upbeat music]

- So do you think we look inappropriate enough

for me to get laid off?

- They're gonna do more than lay me off.

What fair middle-aged wench made this cake?

I must bed her immediately. [horse neighs]

- Come on, Conan.

Let's get me some severance.

- Thank you all for coming tonight.

Martha made a beautiful graveyard cake.

So please eat, drink, and be scary.

[laughs]

- Yeah, I can tell it's a graveyard cake.

Looks dead on arrival.

[Donna Summer's "She Works Hard For The Money"]

♪ ♪

- Whoops! - My cake!

- Sorry.

- That's mine! - My fault.

- Aw, man.

♪ ♪

- Oof! Ah!

Hot, hot, hot. [spits]

- Uh-oh! She spat all over the cake!

- Oh, dear. Let me clean that up.

- Whoa! [laughs]

[organ music]

♪ ♪

- I got lost in Sodom and Gomorrah again?

What will I ever do here?

[together] ♪ Many sons had Father Abraham ♪

♪ I am one of them ♪

♪ And so are you ♪

♪ So let's just praise the Lord ♪

- Right arm! [chuckles]

- Singing songs was ironically my idea of hell.

Then I noticed Sister Johnson fell asleep or maybe died.

Either way, I was free.

- Where do you think you're going, sinner?

- Are you serious? The old lady's asleep.

We're unsupervised.

This is what we all been waiting for.

- We got to save his soul. - No! Never!

[grunting]

- This is boring.

Let's watch something else.

- You will--

- Definitely die--

- Tonight.

- That wasn't a coincidence.

[phone rings, both scream]

- H-h-hello?

- [breathing heavily]

- Hello?

- Who was that?

- Probably just a girl wanting to hear

the sound of my pretty voice. [phone rings]

- Girl, stop calling here. Drew's not gonna pick you.

- [breathing heavily]

- Uh, I think one of your admirers got emphysema.

The next time the phone rings, I ain't getting it.

[static crackling]

- It's probably one of those girls climbing

the roof to peeping Tom on me.

Must have kicked the antenna. [chuckles]

- That's OK.

I like watching static.

[organ music]

- [snoring] - Lord, bind that horny demon!

I rebuke the spirit of lust!

- Get off me!

- And, Lord, please teach Chris

how to enjoy being with the opposite sex

without trying to get him some.

- [grunts] Enough!

Even the shepherd needs a break from his sheep.

Can I get an amen? - No.

- [sighs] Come on.

Don't you want to go to the promised land?

I said, can I get an amen?

We're gonna be adults soon,

working a double shift on Halloween.

So tonight damn the rules.

Damn the regulations.

Let's do what kids are supposed to do, my brothers.

Can I get an amen?

[together] Amen!

- Come on, Pharaoh, you know you want to.

- Amen!

- And God said,

let my people go!

[hip-hop music plays] Part-ay!

[all gasp]

Welcome to the land of milk and honeys.

♪ ♪

[all cheering]

- That's not the first time Moses tricked Pharaoh.

- Ah, Julius.

This is taking too long.

I'm running out of ways to annoy white people.

- Why is that? You're an expert at annoying Black people.

[laughs] Oh, I was just playing.

[together] Tim! Tim!

Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!

Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!

- Jackpot. [together] Tim!

Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!

- [gurgled scream]

[all gasp] - Hey, sweet cheeks.

Great party. - "Sweet cheeks"?

Yes!

My Booty Blaster 3000 is paying off!

- What the hell?

- Well, it was the '80s, after all.

Today if a doctor slaps a newborn baby on the butt,

the baby hires a lawyer.

♪ ♪

- Tasha, what's wrong?

- It feels weird to dance in church.

Do you think things are getting a little crazy?

- No. Everyone's just having a good time.

- Who wants to do something crazy?

Let's drink soda!

- Soda? Sugar's not allowed.

What's happening?

- What's happening is people are having fun at church.

- Ahh.

I love this church!

- You have nothing to worry about, Tash.

It's gonna make more kids want to come here.

I sure have the spirit in me.

Whoa, slow down. - I was--I was just--

- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

[eerie music]

- I'm so glad we stayed in. [static whirring]

It's been a calm, perfectly normal night.

- Yep. Unexplainable things happen every day.

We're just programmed to think when they happen on Halloween,

it must be something supernatural.

[gasps] - Scary!

- [chuckles nervously] The problem is,

Daddy always be buying these wack electronics.

- Yeah. Instead of a Panasonic, he got us a Pain-o-sonic.

[both chuckling nervously]

[chain saw revving, both scream]

- They're always trimming trees on Halloween at 10:00 p.m.

[thunder booming, both screaming]

- The night was going well,

so I decided to take a leap of faith

and do something nerds like me only dreamed about.

- Hey, everybody, want to play seven minutes in heaven?

- Is that the game where you're forced to be in the closet?

I pass.

- Come on.

It's called seven minutes in heaven.

It was probably invented in a church.

OK, everybody.

Write your name on a piece of paper.

And when you're done, give it to me.

Stained-glass window Jesus,

please let me end up in the closet with Tasha.

Amen.

- No need to pick a name, Chris.

I choose you. - Whoa.

No wonder people love You.

- Go get thy some, Chris.

[together] Ooh! Yeah.

- [sniffs] Mm! - Ugh!

- It still smells like Chuck's funky tuna around here.

I'll never be as bad as him.

Come on, baby, let's go home.

I just really wanted to lose this job, Julius.

I guess I'm not annoying enough.

- Baby, don't say that.

- I'm letting us all down!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come here.

I've had so much fun with you tonight.

I appreciate all you do to make our family better.

[sultry music]

- Ow!

Oh, my goodness. - Oh, baby.

Oh, baby. Oh.

- Oh, God, you're so sexy.

[all gasp]

- Those floppies had our biggest account on them.

- Rochelle, my office, now.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

- This was it, the moment that was gonna turn this

into the best Halloween of my life.

[light switch clicks] Oh, man.

I just love the Bible.

What's that verse about being fruitful and multiplying?

[grunts] - As if, Chris!

- Ow! Why?

- Sir, there is no excuse for my behavior.

- The risqué costume, racing office chairs,

ruining cake, making out all over the office.

- Ah-bup-bup, shh.

I understand. You have to lay me off.

I'll go box up my things.

- [laughs] Oh, no.

You're not laid off.

On the contrary, you're the type of employee

we need around here!

- Are you drunk on dreamsicle punch?

- Corporate life can be stagnant and predictable,

but you found a way to shake things up.

Thank you.

- What about those important floppies

I destroyed while I was making out with Conan out there?

- Nothing is more important than witnessing

Black love on display.

Hell, "Mahogany" is my favorite movie.

- Well, how'd it go?

How much severance did you get us?

Can we send our favorite kid to college?

- He promoted me.

- What? - Oh, yeah.

He hates spending money on severance packages.

That's why it's nearly impossible

to get laid off around here.

It took Chuck five long, annoying,

tuna-filled years to get him to cave.

Just give up.

- Oh, he's playing with me.

He has no idea who he's messing with.

- Is this a game to you?

Has this been your plan all along?

- You brought me in here.

- I brought you in here

to talk about how this party is getting crazy.

You're getting crazy!

- I thought this is what you wanted.

You wanted a church guy.

We're at church. I'm a guy.

I made this fun. What else do you need me to do?

Lead people through the desert for 30 years?

- It's 40 years, Chris, 40.

- I'm just trying to make an effort...

for you.

- [sighs] Maybe I pushed the church thing a little too hard.

My mom's an ex-stripper.

I don't even know who my dad is.

And I get bullied at school for not liking Prince.

This church is what I need right now.

I don't want anything to jeopardize

my relationship with God.

I just need you to be my friend.

- I'd be happy to be your friend.

- Thanks. I'll see you back out there.

You better not be telling anyone

you were touching my booty in here.

[door closes]

[hip-hop music playing]

♪ ♪

- Thanks a lot.

- I'm sorry, Chris.

Are you feeling sad? A little uncomfortable, even?

The kind of uncomfortable

when you're nailed to a wooden cross?

- Chris, by the way, as your friend,

I advise you to go talk to her.

- The chick in the Bathsheba costume?

Why?

- Trust me. I put in a good word.

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

- It was actually cool having a female friend.

They're like male friends,

only you can occasionally stare at their asses.

[glass dinging]

[both whimpering] - What's happening?

- Maybe Dad forgot to pay the gravity bill.

- This should be happening to Chris.

We got to get to a grown-up.

[eerie music]

- Mr. Omar! - [cackling]

both: Mr. Omar!

Mr. Omar, let us in!

[door creaks]

- Mr. Omar?

♪ ♪

- Boo! - Aah!

Don't you dare touch his pretty face!

Die, ghoul! - Ow!

- Mr. Omar?

- You saved my life and my face.

- What is wrong with you?

This is the same costume I was wearing earlier.

Stabbing me with my own fork?

That's cold.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Omar.

But what the hell's wrong with you?

- Aah!

I just wanted to get you two to believe in the magic

of the season again.

- Well, good job scaring two children half to death.

[sighs] I'll admit, you had us

with the heavy-breathing phone calls,

the TV cutting off, the chain saw sounds.

- And don't forget the windows opening and closing

and those scary moans.

How'd you do all that?

- What? What are you talking about?

I just threw a few fake spiders on your doorstep

and put on this costume.

I didn't do the other stuff.

- I truly believe that my family's brownstone

was haunted by the dead husbands

of the widows Mr. Omar hooked up with over the years.

If those guys ever catch Mr. Omar

near the pearly gates,

he's getting his ass beat.

- Hey. - Hey.

I just want you to know you saved my night.

I thought it'd be boring, but you made it fun.

- Ah, it was no big deal. - Mm.

- Happy Halloween to me.

- [yawns]

[gasps]

[all cheering]

Kissing?

Unsanctioned snacks?

FM radio?

Oh, Lord!

These children have turned Your house into a den of sin!

Pharaoh, did you allow this?

- Uh, as a responsible youth leader

and a respected member of this church community,

I just want you to know, Chris did it!

- Hey, come on, guys.

We had fun, right?

- Stone him! - Judas!

- [grunts] Jeez, Jesus.

You too?

- Yes, for playing East Coast rap in my house.

Everyone knows I like NWA.

- [groans]

singers: ♪ Everybody still hates Chris ♪

[vocalizing]

- ♪ MTV ♪

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