Original subtitles

[hip-hop music]

- The two most important rules in my family

were, never make eye contact with a junkie

and never wake my father

when he took his nap between jobs.

♪ ♪

We had to eat quietly.

♪ ♪

We had to sneeze quietly.

We had to watch TV quietly.

- At Insane Wayne's, we're knocking out high prices

with championship deals

on all TV, stereos, and video games!

And this weekend only, we're giving away free Nintendos

to whomever can beat the brand-new video game

"Mike Tyson's Punch-Out"!

That's right--beat the champ, win a Nintendo!

With promotions like this, I must be insane!

[grunts]

- Nintendo for free?

Whoo-hoo! - Shh!

- Back then, a free Nintendo was a really big deal.

- Shh. - Shh.

- Now they send me a Nintendo every time I say Nintendo!

[hip-hop music]

I loved playing "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out,"

even though the point of the game was for a small white boy

to beat up grown-ass minorities.

Dang it, I lost.

- You almost got to the end, though.

Man, Mike Tyson is the best-- the only dude from Bed-Stuy

to ever punch his way into being rich.

- And bite his way back into being broke.

- Move aside, Cassius Colored.

- Great, Caruso's here.

- Hey, how'd you get extra health?

- I got a cheat code. [all gasp]

- Isn't being white already a cheat code?

- Whoa, he's already beaten the drunk Russian,

the dancing Dominican, and the sushi-loving Japanese boxer.

- Caruso enjoy beating up

on those ethnic stereotypes so much,

you'd think he was the LAPD!

[bell dings] [all cheer]

- That's not fair. You can't use a cheat code.

- Well, you got two choices-- me using a cheat code

or me using a beat code.

- I started to wonder, what was the point

of even trying if someone could so easily cheat to win?

But I realized people were using all sorts of cheat codes

to make their lives easier.

- Risky, I-I need help.

My parole officer wants me to take a drug test.

- Drug-free cup of pee, 10 bucks.

- Risky, I've been dating a guy for, like, a month,

and I think he's the one.

How do I get him to commit?

- Positive pregnancy test, 20 bucks.

- Hey, Risky, do you know where I could get

a cheat code for, uh, "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out"?

- For you, young blood, I got the ultimate cheat code.

This lets you skip to the final round to fight "Tyson."

[angelic choir sings]

- ♪ Ahh! ♪ [birds cooing]

- Go straight to the end of the game?

I don't know--that sounds like a lot of cheating,

and I'm not a cheater.

- At that point in my life, I wasn't.

- Yeah, so? Here's your chance to finally take a shortcut.

- The only shortcuts are hard work and determination, Chris.

- That's as insane as me!

Do you want a free Nintendo or not?

- I'll take it. - 10 bucks.

- See?

You don't even have money to buy a cheat code.

Get a job.

- Um, can I put that on layaway?

- You get the code when I get $20.

- 20? You said 10.

- Well, now I know you really need it.

- [sighs]

- I'm going to tell Daddy you're trying to steal money

from the couch.

- [scoffs] You trying to buy a cheat code?

You'll never catch me using one.

They're for cheaters. It says so right in the name.

- Hey, dum-dum, your face is a cheat code.

- She's right!

- You fine, Drew!

- You can butter my biscuits anytime!

- Shoo!

Take your hormones elsewhere!

- Well, your cheat code is always blaming stuff on Chris.

- Is not. - Is too.

- Daddy, Chris is making me and Drew argue.

- Chris, don't make your brother and sister fight.

[sighs] Anybody seen my work shirt?

- Big Man!

Thank you for letting me borrow your work shirt.

- My Uncle Mike came to stay with us while his bedroom

was being fumigated.

While he had a pest problem, we had an Uncle Mike problem.

But my mother always defended her brother.

- Uncle Mike used my yellow belt as a napkin

and got Cheeto dust all over it.

- Now you got an orange belt-- problem solved.

- Uncle Mike used my "Miami Vice" doll

as a bottle opener and popped off Tubbs' head.

- Then start liking Sonny Crockett better--

problem solved.

- Uncle Mike stole my kidney while I was asleep!

- You still got another one-- problem solved.

- I figured you was throwing out your work shirt

due to the mustard I accidentally spilt on it.

By the way, you're out of mustard.

- You took my work shirt

and spilled 3-cent worth of mustard on it?

- Julius, just wear your old work shirt for today--

problem solved.

- [growling]

Chris, take Drew and Tonya to get haircuts, now.

- Whenever my mother and father

were going to do some real yelling,

she'd send us out to get haircuts.

In the spring of '85, I was one argument away

from being bald.

- Cheat code.

- I'll take the kids.

- Damn it, Julius. My brother is trying his best.

Can you just be nice? - Mike doesn't deserve nice.

He deserves a foot in his ass.

- Oh-ho-ho, I ain't taking sibling advice

from a man who makes any excuse to not talk to his own brother!

- Me and Louis not talking

is exactly what makes our relationship work.

- Julius, your brother's on the phone.

[garbage disposal whirring]

[sighs] My brother means a lot to me.

Can you please be cool about this, for me?

- [sighs] Okay, I'll try.

You know, we're alone.

I got a little time before my first job.

I'm already not wearing pants.

- Mm, sorry, I got to go clean the bathroom.

There's mustard everywhere.

- [groans]

- Hey, Manny, if I sweep up all this hair,

can you give me $20?

- You're already doing it for free, dummy.

Besides, what you need money for so badly anyway?

- I'm trying to buy a cheat code for a video game.

- I wish I had a cheat code to get out of Nam.

The only cheat code for that

was to be white... - Oh.

- Or die. - Whew.

- Cheat codes for Black folks are few and far between.

- I totally agree.

So can I borrow $20?

- I don't have $20, little man.

I'll give you something better, a free story about choices.

- I'd rather have the money. - Too late!

Chris, like you, I once had a choice

between taking the hard road or using a cheat code

to make my life easier. - [groans]

- That makes Thurgood Marshall

our first Negro Supreme Court Justice,

a job that entitles him to a lifetime salary,

free meals, and an endless supply of robes,

all on the backs of white middle-class taxpayers.

Lots to celebrate, for him.

- Isn't it so inspiring?

- Yeah. Salary, food, robes!

Mm! That man is set for life.

I got to be a judge.

[upbeat music]

But as I pursued my judge dream,

I realized I misjudged how hard it was

to become an actual judge.

Wait, I got to go to law school, too?

Shi-i-i-t.

I started to doubt if I'd reach my dream

of living that easy life.

But the day your parents got engaged

was the day I got my cheat code.

- And he took a second job just to pay for the ring.

He delivered my newspaper, and then he delivered my heart.

We're getting married!

- Taking two jobs was worth it for Rochelle.

I'm sure it's just temporary.

- [sobbing]

Both of my babies are leaving.

One's becoming a judge, one's getting married.

Who's gonna eat my free cooking?

[sobs] Whose laundry am I gonna do?

Who's gonna unstick me from this couch on a hot day?

Oh, Lord, now I'm stuck!

[wailing]

- Julius, this might be too much

for Mama to take right now.

You know what, Mike?

After we get married,

Julius and I will move in so you can go to law school.

- Oh.

[smooth music]

- You hungry, baby?

You got to eat up for your studies.

♪ ♪

- As much as I love my dream, I love you even more, 'Chelle.

I'll stay home. - No, Mike, you can't do that.

- Yes, he can! Thanks, Mike. We owe you.

- I'm going to hold you to that.

Staying home gave me financial security, free meals,

and I still get all the robes I need.

- Wait a second.

He used his story to get out of paying me!

That grifting man-child. - That man is a genius.

- He's not a genius. He's a delusional fool.

Right, baby? [smooching]

- Yeah, but the point is,

he used a cheat code and got what he wanted.

- Look, Chris, do you think Mike Tyson used cheat codes

to get where he's at?

You trying to be like Iron Mike or Uncle Mike?

- Aah!

- [snoring]

- Back at home, my dad was doing his best to play nice,

but Uncle Mike was breaking my family's biggest rule.

- Big Man! - Huh?

- Just got back from the barber.

You want some lunch? - No, I want some sleep!

- I heard you got some leftover pot pie.

Can I have it?

- You can make love to that pot pie, for all I care.

Just get out!

- Big Man! What do you cook a pie at?

- 425, uncovered for 10 minutes.

What am I doing? Listen!

Do not bother me again unless it's an emergency!

Got it?

Please!

- Big Man, emergency! There's no pie left.

- You did what?

You can't just throw him out. He's my brother!

- If I don't get my nap, then I get tired driving my truck.

If I get tired driving my truck, I could fall asleep.

If I fall asleep, I could crash.

If I crash, I could die.

If I die...

[grunts] You have to get two jobs!

[grunts] Is that what you want?

- Take your stupid nap.

I'm going to look for my brother.

[door slams] - [grumbling] Stupid Mike.

Stupid pot pie.

Stupid.

[door bells jingle]

[hip-hop music]

[door closes, bells jingle]

- So, Chris, I heard you're trying

to get yourself a cheat code.

- Who's cheating?

- She's cheating with some man named Code?

- Is that Marci's boy? - Do he got a job?

- Yeah, it's for a video game contest.

[all groan]

- [sighs] But I'm not sure if I should anymore.

- He means he'd cheat if he could, but he's too broke.

- Using cheat codes is a bad idea if you ask me.

Want to hear my life story? - No, thank you.

- I come from a long line of hairdressers.

My grandmother became the first person

to give a white woman cornrows.

The community got so mad, she was banned from doing hair,

and our whole family looked awful for generations.

It was a symbol of our shame.

- If you're so ashamed,

then why do you have all these sad-ass family photos up?

Ow! Hey! - Oops.

I display them as a constant reminder

that you can overcome anything.

I put myself through beauty school,

opened my own salon, and finally brought respect

back to my family, while also scaring away white women

from seeking cornrows.

- Wait, I thought you opened this salon

with the money you got

from jumping in front of that Cadillac.

That's how you won the Bed-Stuy lottery!

A broken neck got you a token check!

- I didn't purposely get hit!

all: Mm...

- Chris, I once had a choice, too,

between using a cheat code or putting in hard work.

Let me tell you a real story about hard work.

- Damn, do I have a sign on my back that says

"tell me your life story"?

- I was a single mom,

looking for the best way to provide for Tasha.

One day, I thought I found a cheat code

to earn me some quick cash.

But I learned real quick just how hard the job was.

I was allergic to the latex uniform.

The fried-fish buffet made me nauseous.

And worst of all-- the spotlight was so bright,

I couldn't see a damn thing.

Whoa! [crowd gasps]

Ahh. Now, who wants a lap dance?

- You okay, Peaches? - This ain't going to cut it.

- You want to make some real money?

We're about to stiff some tricks.

I slip them three of these, and I'm getting me in some wills.

- Now, I had a choice.

I could get better at stripping to make more money,

or I could steal from some customers.

Nope, no shortcuts today, Tina.

And so I put in the hard work.

I adjusted to the spotlights.

I found an itch cream for the latex rashes.

And eventually enjoyed the fish buffet.

And, most importantly, I made enough money

to get Tasha into day care and then some!

- Look, Mommy, it's you without the C-section scar.

- If I had used a cheat code like those other girls,

I would have ended up just like them, in prison.

- You did end up in prison.

- I went to jail! Get it right!

My point is, I didn't use a cheat code,

and I turned out great.

[device beeping] Uh-oh.

Um, I-I got to go. Bye, Chris.

You know what to do. - No. No, I have no idea.

Y'all just confused me even more.

- Ooh, I'm telling Daddy you're thinking about cheating.

- Tonya snitching on my Black ass for thought crimes

was the real Minority Report.

Just 'cause I'm thinking about it

doesn't mean I'm going to do it.

[sighs] If only God gave me a sign.

[tires squeal, people gasp] - [sniffs]

[engine revving]

- Looks like my prayers have been answered.

A broken neck gets you a token check

and a cheat code for a brand-new Nintendo.

All right.

[tires screech, horn honks] Oh, hell, no!

- Ooh, I'm telling Daddy you tried to get hit by a car

but chickened out.

- Damn. Now what?

Huh.

[hip-hop music playing]

[thud, screech] Aah!

- What the hell?

- Oh! You ran over my foot!

Oh, the pain! - [gasps]

- The pain!

- Boy, you messing with me? I ran over that brick!

- Who are the cops are going to believe, me or that brick?

Oh, the pain!

Lord, don't take me now! I have so much to live for!

Best acting I ever did, till I made "Grown Ups 2."

- Damn. We're both businessmen.

What do you want?

- Give me that cheat code for free.

- Use the cheat code to get a cheat code.

Respect, young blood.

- I still didn't know if using cheat codes was good or bad,

but I figured I could worry about that

after I won the Nintendo!

♪ I got the cheat code, and you don't got one ♪

♪ Nintendo, here I come ♪

Hey. - Oh, that's great, Chris.

Now you won't be a total loser.

- It's mine.

- The Nintendo will keep me and my family warm

this cold, cold winter.

- If we take one back to Haiti, we can power the whole country.

- Maybe a Nintendo will make my dad come back.

- Damn, I thought I wanted to use this cheat code,

but now I don't know.

- At least you have a choice.

These kids are way worse off than us.

[beeping]

- [gasps] "Kid, if you need a cheat code to beat me,

"it's okay.

"Just be willing to live with the consequences

of your actions."

Uh, thanks, champ?

"Thank yourself.

"I'm just your conscience.

The real me would never give advice without getting paid."

- Watch it, Leon Stinks.

- Hey, everybody, you guys want a cheat code?

Maybe we can all win Nintendos. - Yes!

This is the first time I felt hope

since my mom left me at the firehouse!

- Hey, honey, you have a good nap?

- I don't know.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Am I still napping?

- Here, baby, I fixed you a plate.

- Thanks, 'Chelle. What's up, Big Man?

Oop, time for "The People's Court."

If not for the sacrifices I made for this family,

me and Judge Wapner could've been judge friends.

- I see you found Mike.

Well, I found my size-12 boot

so I can kick his ass out again.

[bell dings]

- Chris, take Drew and Tonya to get haircuts, now.

- Uh, Chris and Drew aren't here.

And we already got haircuts today.

- Then go watch TV with Uncle Mike!

- Damn it, woman! Why are you always taking his side?

All he ever takes is seconds. - Because we owe him.

Without Mike, we wouldn't be so goddamn happy right now!

- [whispering] Don't you see he's a guilt-tripper

just like your mom?

He's guilt-tripped you your whole life,

and he's doing it again now! - No, he's not.

[gavel bangs on TV loudly] Mike, can you turn it down

so me and Julius can argue in peace, please?

- I can't hear you!

My eardrums are blown out from years of listening

to Mama's CPAP machine.

You sure are lucky you left.

- Okay, keep it as loud as you want.

Oh, okay, you're right!

He is a guilt-tripper, but he's my brother, Julius.

I don't know how to say no to him.

- All you have to do is talk to him and be honest.

I'll be in your corner the whole time.

- Fine. I'll ask him to leave.

- While my mom was about to battle Uncle Mike,

it was almost my turn to battle Iron Mike.

[all cheer]

[lo-fi electronic music]

♪ ♪

[beeping]

[all cheering]

♪ ♪

- Chris, you're up.

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Keep your head in the game. You can do this.

- Okay, Rochelle, you can do this.

- Mike, I love you, but I think it's time you left.

- Get him, Mama! - That's it, baby!

- [grunts] - Yeah, that's it, baby!

- Why are you calling me "baby"?

- Why are you talking to me? Focus!

- Okay, what you got, Mike? [bell dings]

- Okay, what you got, Mike?

- You promised me I could stay longer.

And I kept my promise to live with our parents

so you can go off and get married.

So now you have to keep yours. [plate clatters]

- I--Ooh.

- Oh, that's okay. We knew he'd throw that one.

Stay strong, Rochelle! [bell dings]

- Stay strong, Chris. You got this!

- [slurps] - Ugh!

- Ooh, he nailed you good with that hook!

- Ugh! - And that jab.

- Ugh! - And that uppercut.

Oh, don't give up, Chris!

- You can't give up, Rochelle. You got this.

- Mike, I'll always be grateful for what you did,

but I can't let you guilt-push me around anymore!

- Well, if that's how you feel, I guess I'll go.

But the news you threw your beloved brother to the curb

is going to be hard on Mama

and her already-fragile pacemaker.

[both gasp] - Oh, no, he didn't.

- [breathing heavily]

- Whoa! - Ha ha!

You're going to lose, Blacky Balboa!

- Not today, I'm not.

I didn't cheat my way this far not to win!

all: Whoa. [gasp]

- Go for the knockout, Chris!

- Go for the knockout, Rochelle!

- Fine, tell Mama I'm kicking you out.

While you're at it, also tell her

you messed up Drew's karate belt,

broke Tonya's doll, ruined Julius' work shirt,

and made those calls to 1-900-HOOCHIE!

Or maybe I should call her. - [gasps]

On second thought, I just remembered--

my special lady friend lives a few blocks away

and can put me up.

So see y'all at Thanksgiving for ten days!

And, also, please have some turkey pot pie.

[door slams] - [huffs]

- Whoo-hoo-hoo! Way to go, Mama!

- You did it, baby!

He's someone else's problem now.

- Yes! I am the champ of the living room.

I am the champ of the family!

- And my parents' cheat code to a happier life

was having each other.

- Yo, you're about to win, Chris!

Go for the super uppercut!

- [breathes deeply]

[game beeping]

- Yes! You knocked him down!

all: One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine--

[electricity zaps, all groan]

- Huh? Are you kidding me?

- Oh, no!

Looks like a totally random and unexpected power outage!

Sorry, kids, the promotion is canceled.

- That day, I learned a valuable lesson.

Even if you got a cheat code to make life easier,

there's always somebody with a better one

to screw you over.

- Way to go, Muhammad A-Loser!

- [grunts] Why?

- ♪ Everybody still hates Chris ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

[lo-fi electronic music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ MTV ♪

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