Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

- There's a moment in every boy's life

when he becomes a man.

And in that moment is when he realizes

that instead of buying cologne,

he can just rock free samples from inside men's magazines.

If I wear this, I'm going home with at least four numbers.

[inhales] That's that good musk.

- We're gonna pull all kinds of ladies

at Spiegelman's party tomorrow.

I heard the last one, they played Manishewitz bong.

- I can't believe we got invited.

- So we actually didn't.

- Then why am I rubbing

Billy Dee's balls all over my neck?

- First of all, his name is Lando.

And relax, I overheard Spiegelman

talking about it when I was stuffed in a locker.

Overhearing is basically an invitation.

- And Greg was basically a loser.

- But he said there's gonna be a ton of food,

it could go all weekend, and Spiegelman's cousins

are coming from Connecticut-- the girl cousins.

Out-of-town girls love to put out.

- Good enough for me.

I just need to get permission from my mom.

Wait. Is it seriously 7:25?

If I break curfew, I'll need permission

from my mom to breathe again.

- I'd have my dad give you a ride, but this time of night,

he's parked somewhere, crying in his car.

- [sobs] No one respects me.

- [breathing heavily]

These white folks were acting like I was the scariest thing

in the neighborhood.

[menacing music]

- [shouts] [glass shatters]

[dog whines]

- I wasn't.

[dramatic notes]

Uh... - You lost?

- That's what the Native Americans said

when you showed up.

- You take that train right there,

and you get back to where you belong.

- [gasping]

- I better never see you here again.

- The KKK in NYC?

All I could think was, GTFO.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

While I was running from the Klan,

Drew and Tonya were-- wait, they're at the movies

while I'm running from the Klan?

- Finally, "Karate Dad 2."

I can't believe it's been six weeks since the first one.

- There's nothing my dad loved more than a B movie,

but those were expensive.

So we went to C movies.

- [gasps]

[sultry music]

Daddy, do I really have to see the same movie as you guys?

- Why, baby? Do you want to see

"Adrienne Goes to Camp" instead?

- Uh, yeah.

You know how much I love the other Adrienne movies.

"Adrienne Goes to Space," "Adrienne Goes to War,"

"Adrienne Goes to Tampa."

- Drew also liked C movies, but he loved having

his very own action hero more.

- Dad, you would kick that alien's ass,

which I guess is also his mouth.

- You got that right.

I would put my foot all up in that ass-mouth.

[exciting music]

Why is this light on?

That's 4 yen worth of electricity.

- Wax on, lights off.

- I don't know how to tie a tie.

- [vocalizing]

- We're here to stop you from being such a good dad.

- If I don't survive, take my place

as the protector of our family.

Your older brother is useless.

Gah!

- I can't believe Tonya wanted to see "Adrienne Goes to Camp."

- She didn't.

- It's so scandalous

that you're my fiancé's brother.

- Our love can never be.

- Yes, it can! - Shh.

- You shush.

- I couldn't let my mom find out about

my run-in with the KKK,

or that would mean no Spiegelman party.

[panting]

- Cutting it close, Chris.

[dramatic musical sting]

Two more minutes, and I would have opened

a can of sleepy time whup-ass.

- I was gonna call collect, but I knew

you wouldn't accept the charges.

- At $0.54 a minute?

Do you want your father to leave me?

- Good point, Mom.

Well, I'm gonna go wash up.

- Wash up?

Are you a 45-year-old banker having an affair?

What's going on with you?

- Nothing.

Well, good night. - [sniffs]

Why do you smell like the old guy at the club?

- I was at Greg's.

You know that's his signature scent.

- Chris, tell me what's going on.

- Nothing.

- Well, Greg already told me. - How?

Greg wasn't with me when I ran into the KKK.

- The KK-what?

- Oop. Damn it.

- In New York City? - I know.

How do they keep those sheets white in these grimy streets?

[dramatic music]

- You think this is a joke?

- No, I-- - Go to your room.

- Mom, it wasn't as bad as you think.

- Boy, I said go to your room.

We'll deal with this tomorrow.

- [sighs]

Well, so much for meeting Spiegelman's girl cousins,

Shalom, Shoshana, Liat, and Tamar.

I'm renaming my left hand Leah.

- What a great movie.

How about that scene where Karate Dad beat the villain

with his baby's car seat?

- And he still made it to his colonoscopy on time.

- Or when the woman realizes she was marrying a good boy,

but she wanted a bad boy...

at camp?

- What the hell kind of camp did Adrienne go to?

[trio harmonizing]

- Can I help y'all?

- * How did your head ♪ all: * Get so shiny? ♪

- So shiny. [laughter]

- A big thing in the '80s was a cappella,

singing without instruments.

But if these boys messed with my dad,

they'd be singing without teeth.

- Just get off my stoop.

[dramatic music]

[vocalizing]

- Hmm. - Nah, man.

♪ Are you hearing these acoustics? ♪

- You do not want to mess with my dad.

- Oh, is that so?

[tense music]

[grunts] - Ah!

- Damn, he flinched.

Mr. Potato Head flinched.

[laughter]

- That was the first time Drew saw our dad get punked.

He went from Karate Dad to...

[declining music]

The Flincher!

- [high-pitched] Come on. We're going inside.

- [groans]

- I knew I wasn't leaving the house again

until Martin Luther King's dream came true,

so I was getting comfortable

with the idea of sitting my Black ass

on my bed for the rest of--

- Chris, get your Black ass in here!

- Is this for me?

- Oh, dang it.

I forgot your favorite cereal.

- [gasps]

- Mmm. This food is amazing.

Wait. Is Grandma sick?

Did Chris call you collect, and now Daddy's leaving?

[gasps] Is El DeBarge dead?

- No, that ain't for you.

If you want something, there's a store

around the corner. - [scoffs]

- What's the occasion? My funeral?

- The occasion is me taking care of my baby

after what he went through yesterday.

Now, hurry up and eat. I borrowed Nessa's car,

and we're going to the arcade.

- If this was gonna be her reaction,

I was gonna play the KKK card

all the way to Spiegelman's party.

- Drew, there's a 2:00 PM showing of "Chef Assassin."

If the bullets don't kill you, the seasoning will.

[high-pitched] Wanna go?

- [sighs] No, I'm all right.

- But he kicks ass in three courses.

- I just want to get a head start

on next month's homework.

- Really? Well, if you change your mind,

you know where to find me.

[normally] What's going on with him?

- Seeing that sexy movie awakened a desire in Tonya

she'd never felt before: desire.

all: * Ooh, bah-dah ♪

- Excuse me.

Me and my long-lost sister are trying to catch up.

- [frog croaks] - [vocalizing]

- Can you just leave him alone?

- Who's gonna make us, your flinching dad?

Ooh, now that's a jam, fellas.

all: * You got a flinching dad ♪

♪ Your daddy's a flinch ♪

- Turns out my sister was like every other girl I knew.

She had a soft spot for light-skinned brothers

who could sing.

- Wow.

- Come on, sis. [frog croaks]

- So I'm thinking "Donkey Kong" first,

then "Punch-Out," "Ms. Pac-Man" for the lady--

- Hold up, you thought we were here to play some video games?

- Yeah.

- I told you I was gonna take care of you.

So today, you're enrolled in your mama's

You Ain't White Academy.

- My mama's what?

- Lesson one: don't ever be the only Black boy

in a group of white kids acting up,

'cause when things go down, they'll never have your back.

- Is there a GED for this school?

- There's a GET your ass whupped

if you don't pay attention.

Focus!

- Well, so much for the arcade.

If I wanted to go to Spiegelman's party,

I'd have to do like I did in school

and say what the teacher wanted to hear.

Thank you, Mother, for the opportunity

to soak up your wisdom.

You know, the world is

scarier than ever for young Black men--

- You trying to play me in my borrowed car?

You know, this is about more

than just one ugly guy in a hood.

- What makes you so sure he's ugly?

- If you look like Robert Redford,

you don't cover your face.

Besides, a bigger problem than a fool in bed sheets

are the racists who seem like regular people.

- She means Americans.

Mom, I learned this in school.

- Well, I lived it,

in South Carolina, in the '50s.

I saw some things, boy.

- [sighs] OK.

What's the next lesson?

- You hungry?

I got a egg sandwich coming your way.

[gasps]

[high-pitched] Ow, ow! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!

Ooh, ow! Hot, hot, hot!

If I don't survive, you must take my place

as the protector of our family.

- How about I make you an egg sandwich, Dad?

- No, I got it.

- No, I'm stepping up.

It'll be a flinch-- I mean, cinch.

- Wait, is that why you've been acting all funny-style?

- [sighs] You just kind of backed down

with those singers.

- Son, being strong isn't about hitting people or--

[high-pitched] Meep, meep, meep,

meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep.

Are you even listening?

- It's cool. I'm not even hungry anymore.

- Have you lost respect for meep?

- OK, lesson 12:

a lot of people think shoplifting is no big deal,

and it's not if you're white,

which, as we've discussed, you ain't.

[bell dings]

If you shoplift, you better make sure

you're ready to do 50 to life over a pack of Nutter Butters.

- Excuse me, that lady just--

- Lesson 13: mind your damn business.

[hip-hop music playing]

♪ ♪

- Traffic, weather and "Rhapsody in Blue"

every ten minutes.

- Hey.

- It's not what you want to listen to.

It's what the cop wants to listen to

in case you get pulled over.

That's lesson 23.

- I'm not gonna get pulled over.

[sirens chirp]

- Lesson 24: yes, you will.

- But I didn't do anything.

- Half of jail didn't do anything.

Both hands on the wheel. Look confident.

I didn't say cocky. Wallet on the dash.

Keep them hands on the wheel. - How can I--

- When the cop walks up, make eye contact,

but don't eyeball him.

- What? That doesn't make sense.

[knock on window]

- Take a deep breath.

- [breathes deeply]

[gasps] Nessa? You're a cop?

- No, I'm an actor.

I studied at the distinguished Nipsey Russell's Junior College

of Night School and Auto Repair and--yeah.

I played my role, Chelle.

Give me my car back.

- No, Nessa! Drive, Chris.

Boy, just drive! [tires squeal]

- Give it back!

Ooh, these extensions hitting me all up in my eye, oh.

- I can't believe you had Nessa do that.

What's next, sending in someone to rob this place?

- If Jerome would have done it for $10, yes.

- This is stressing me out like real school.

- What can I get you?

- A cheeseburger and a Coke.

- Just a strawberry shake.

- He'll take a Coke.

Don't forget, you ain't white.

You're Blacktose intolerant.

- All right, I'll call you guys up.

- Thanks.

And?

- Um, thanks for your business.

Hambur--bye.

- The receipt, Lenny. Proof of purchase.

- I'm gonna have to reload the roll.

- I'll wait.

- This. This is what I want from you.

- That's when we both realized

I was crushing You Ain't White Academy.

- Up next, graduating at the top of his class, Chris.

[applause]

- That's my baby!

- Calm down. That's my baby too.

- That's my baby!

- Bitch, calm down! That's my baby too.

- Chill. You messing up my rhythm.

Congrats, baby.

- But this is how I was feeling.

- Chris is at my party?

Tonight just got way cooler.

- You're welcome.

- Chrissy, you promised we'd Cabbage Patch.

- [sighs] Got to go, Spiegs.

Booty calls.

Here, sweet thang. Hold my receipts.

- * Well, here's a new dance that can't be matched ♪

♪ So just step to the floor and do the Cabbage Patch ♪

- Uh, cheeseburger and two Cokes.

- Hey, that's mine.

- You got proof of purchase, punk?

'Cause I do.

[trio vocalizing]

- Excuse me, gentlemen,

our bubble bath won't run itself.

- Mm, these boys got some soul.

- Yeah.

- Mm, just what my grieving heart needs.

all: * His flinching face, how scared was he ♪

- Uh, the man flinched. Get over it.

all: * He pissed his pants ♪

- * With pee ♪

- These boys are distracting.

They are making me mess up my appointments.

- And all this a cappella is why my fruit sales are down.

Definitely that, not 'cause they're three weeks expired.

- Somebody's got to do something

about this musical terrorism.

- All right, fools, show's over.

I got a bristle with your name on it.

[dramatic music]

- What are you doing?

- It's OK. I got this.

- Well, well, well, if it isn't the Flinch.

- I didn't flinch.

I was stepping in front of my kids.

I ain't scared of none of y'all.

- Oh, you want to go?

- No, I was explaining that--

- Then let's do it.

♪ Me, me, me versus you, you, you ♪

- Yeah, get 'em, Julius.

Beat these guys up for messing up my very fresh fruit.

[all cheering]

- [sighs] I hate to do this,

but if I win, you boys leave this block.

- No!

I mean, go, Dad.

- Drew was happy someone was finally standing up

to these harmonizing bullies, but he wasn't sure

if my dad was the one to do it.

[classical music playing] - This was cool, Ma.

You taught me a lot.

I appreciate it.

- Well, you're a great student.

Why don't you do better in school?

- Hey, so since we're in the car already,

think you could give me a ride to this kid

Spiegelman's party?

- Spiegel-whose what now?

- There's a party the kids from school are going to.

- Did I not get through to you? - You did.

I'm fully prepared to attend this party safely.

- If you were fully prepared, you wouldn't go.

I can't let you go to a white kid party

in a white neighborhood.

- But you make me go to a white school

in a white neighborhood.

- Well, maybe you shouldn't.

Maybe your ass should stay next to me 24/7

so I can keep my eye on you.

- I have to be on lockdown just 'cause you're scared?

- Because you're not scared enough.

You know what?

You're never leaving the house again.

- Then I'll never speak to you again.

- Ha, whatever. I'd rather have

a mute living boy than a dead talking one.

- Fine.

- Where are you going?

Chris, come back here!

He is not doing this.

Chris!

- [grunting]

- Julius, do you know where I put Whoopi Goldbelt?

- Whoopi Goldbelt?

Who's about to get they ass whupped?

Are you mad about something?

- What makes you think I'm mad?

- Uh, nothing at all, baby.

Are you?

- I'm mad. I'm scared.

I'm all of it, Julius.

- What's going on, baby?

- Chris jumped out the car and left.

- He what?

- I was trying to teach him some life lessons,

but then he got upset because I wasn't gonna

let him go to some white party

in some white neighborhood late at night.

He's--he's not ready for all of that.

- He's growing up.

We can't keep him locked in his room forever.

- I know that, Julius.

I would never suggest something like that.

But what if something happens to him out there?

- Look, you've prepared him.

You've prepared all our kids.

But sometimes, we just got to let them live their lives

and hope that what we've done is enough.

If there's a problem, we'll handle it, together.

- Look at you, being all wise.

- I try. Now, excuse me.

I got to go fight some teenagers.

[upbeat music]

- Julius is gonna beat your ass.

- But just your ass, not your face.

Not that I care.

[tense music]

- Dad, are you sure this is a good idea?

- Yeah, you can't flinch your way out of this.

- [sighs] All right. Go ahead.

Throw your best punch.

♪ ♪

- [grunts]

Come on. He flinched. He flinched again.

- [chuckles] No, you threw a horrible punch.

Hopefully, your friends can punch better than you.

- Yeah! Nope.

- Whoa.

- Even if you had landed that punch,

you probably would have broken your hand.

The only thing he can hit is high notes.

[laughter]

- Oh, snap.

- Ball up your fist like this, and then plant your leg.

That'll give your swing more power, son.

- Oh, dang, you just moved him like a paperclip.

- Being strong is only half the battle.

You also got to know when to use that strength.

That's what makes someone powerful.

Now, will you guys please find another stoop?

- All right, boys. all: * Let's bounce ♪

- I haven't fed my cat in days.

- In that moment, Tonya knew she'd never fall

for a light-skinned brother again.

[sultry music]

♪ ♪

- I'm gonna go for a jog.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, Dad, should we watch "Karate Dad 3,"

"Son of Karate Dad,"

or what about "Dick Buttless, PI"?

- Do I even have to say?

both: "Dick Buttless, PI."

- I've got to get my own TV.

- Hey, Buttless, get your ass in here!

- I would if I could, Captain.

- You OK, Rochelle?

- Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

I'm not even thinking about Chris.

[phone rings] Chris?

- Hello. You have a collect call from:

- Mom, I'm sorry. You were right.

- To the accept charges, press 1.

[dial tone] - Chris! Chris!

[phone rings]

- Hello. You have a collect call from:

- I shouldn't have left the car, OK?

- To accept the charges, press 1.

[dial tone] [phone rings]

- Hello. You have a collect call from:

- I'm so sorry, Mama! I'm sorry!

- Chris, Chris, Chris. Slow down.

I accepted the charges.

both: You did? - I know today was a lot.

It's just if something happened because I didn't do enough--

I overreacted.

- No, you didn't.

I thought about how much you worry.

And after today, I get why.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

- [sobbing]

- I shouldn't have run off.

I'm coming home.

- No, you go to the party.

You're gonna be OK.

- Wait. Are you sure?

- I don't know, but I trust you to handle yourself.

- Well, I had a great teacher.

- You're damn skippy.

- Thanks for taking the time today, Ma.

I love you.

- I love you too.

And I'm gonna lovingly beat your ass

if you're not home by 10:30.

And no shortcuts.

I don't want you running into any more KKK men.

- What-what-what men?

[upbeat music]

- Let's get this party started.

- We are so gonna lose our virginities tonight.

- You must be Murray's friends from school.

And you came to show respect for my mother.

What little mensches you are.

- Wait, I went through all of this for a funeral?

- There's three kinds of herring--

pickled, creamed, and smoked.

Help yourself.

- [sniffs]

You smell nice, like my late husband.

[sniffs] He was a brother.

- I guess I couldn't say the cologne didn't work.

Thanks a lot, Billy Dee.

- * Everybody hates Chris ♪

- [whistling "Dixie"]

- Hey, did you see

a skinny Black kid here the other night?

- I did, and I'll tell you the same thing I told him.

Get lost.

- Oh, I'm going.

Just wanted to make sure it was you.

The sheet makes you all look the same.

[bright tone plays]

- * A beating ♪ - * A beating ♪

- * A beating ♪

- Plant your back foot and swing, boys.

all: * A, a, a, a foot

♪ All up in, in, in your ass ♪

[all humming]

[clattering]

- [grunting]

- Just a little.

[all humming]

[clattering]

- [grunting]

[glass shatters]

[grunting]

- * MTV ♪

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