Original subtitles

Ta-da!

Check it out!

It's a Lamborghini again!

Clearly, Kaleb needed some convincing.

So, I hit him with a couple of numbers.

7.8 litres.

Horsepower?

- 340 horsepower. - Holy shit!

Not 270 in the old Lamborghini.

340.

It was ploughing, the other day, taught me the lesson.

I was struggling with only 270 horsepower.

I then followed up with the numbers that really matter.

All those tractors I looked at the other day, those medium-sized tractors...

- Yeah? - They were all around

a 120, 180, kind of on the farm.

Yeah?

85.

- 85? - 85,000. I was...

- A sixteen plate? - Yeah.

- 85,000? - 85,000.

- Yorkshire haggling! - That's a bargain.

- It's fucking huge! - It is.

- Like... - When you're up there,

you can eyeball people in the International Space Station.

"All right, Jeremy?" "Yeah. How's things?"

He likes my tractor!

You have GPS on this? Yeah, you do!

- Yeah, it has GPS. - Holy shit.

That GPS there is worth ten grand on its own.

Let us go.

You've got front suspension on that, look. This is gonna be comfy.

So you can alter your front suspension.

Well, you could in the old one.

- But it didn't ever really work, did it? - Not really.

No, never. Never!

I fucking love this tractor.

- It's nice, isn't it? - Yeah.

More than that, I was hoping that with its extra power,

it'd be the answer to our prayers,

and we'd be able to get the durum wheat field ploughed and planted

before Charlie's deadline.

Come back a little bit more. You've gotta get over that way.

The next day, however, when we put it to work...

Whoa.

...we did encounter a problem

with the layout of the cab.

Every single control in here is different to my old tractor.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. For fuck's sake.

You have to float it.

Erm...

I don't know what that is.

I don't know what that is.

I don't know what they do.

Urgh.

Oh.

I don't know.

You're literally useless.

When you float it, it releases the pressure out of that pipe...

- Ah. - Into your tank. Got it?

Yeah. I still don't know which button it is.

No, no, wait! Wait!

Oh, shitting hell.

What's it just fallen off?

The plough has now fallen over completely to one side.

I don't know if it's bent something or broke something. Who knows.

Eager to rescue the situation,

I went off to get the telehandler.

- Don't damage the furrows. - No, I'm not going to.

Pull your boom in. Pull your boom in.

Go closer to the machine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, stop!

It won't lift it like that. It's too heavy.

It's beeping at me.

What have I pushed?

No, no, what you've done is the machine is now in the Safety Mode.

We're saying to you:

"Look, we're locking you out of everything

because your back wheels are off the floor."

So what you've basically done this morning:

you've woke up, you've come and helped me on the farm,

you fucked one machine and got it into that position,

and then you've got the telehandler now stuck in the yard again

in the air so therefore it's no."

Eventually, using farmyard physics,

Kaleb partially solved the problem.

- Well, now it can't fall. - Right.

And then, after taking charge of the Lambo's controls...

The plough is upright.

We're basically where we should have been two hours ago.

We then headed off to the field where we needed to plant

our durum pasta wheat as quickly as possible...

Pick up where we left off last time, which was...

here.

And crossed our fingers

in the hope that my new Lambo would have enough oomph

to plough the wet soil.

Give it some.

Jesus, it's got some power.

Oh yeah. Fucking hell.

I mean, the old Lambo was really struggling.

This is like cruising.

Holy moly.

That's unbelievable!

That's a five-tonne plough on the back. I can barely feel it.

Pulling it uphill!

Uphill, on a field that has been rained on solidly for six months.

Kaleb then followed behind,

using a power harrow

to make the ploughed field ready for planting.

We'll have this field ploughed in an hour?

And then we put the durum wheat in it using my new marker system.

Bish, bash, bosh, pasta on its way.

I know one of the things you're marked for in ploughing competitions

is the straightness of your lines.

I'd probably get a one for this.

Maybe a nothing.

My ploughing may not have been very good,

but the local wildlife didn't seem to mind.

Look at the red kites there. There's loads of them.

Oh, there's an absolute squadron of red kites now.

Look at this. Wow.

I've never seen so many.

It's so nice to be farmering again in blue skies!

An hour or so later, we were indeed ready to start phase two.

That to me looks good.

That looks like the sort of thing you'd plant seeds into.

To do the planting, we would use the old Lambo,

which I'd fitted with my new-and-improved paint-marker system.

- Here's your tank of white paint, okay? - Yeah.

And there's your battery.

And you've got two pumps, left and right, okay?

Got you, yeah.

This pumps paint down that tube all the way to the end of the marker.

Wait till I advertise this in Farmer's Weekly.

Even Mr Sugar, whatever he is,

Lord Sugar, he'll be looking at this going:

"Why did I waste my time with Amstrad? I should have done this."

And you are aware this has already been invented?

- 'Cause you're saying you invented it. - It hasn't been invented.

It has.

- What do you mean "it's been invented"? - There's a foam marker.

Instead of paint it does foam. So it leaves a mark of foam.

There's a company that's invented it already!

Well, it's been invented again now.

As it happened,

the resident cynic was soon eating his words.

His invention's working!

Look at this!

And not just for like five feet but forever. Look, look.

Oh, I am so thrilled.

So, we got the durum wheat planted.

And then, there was more good news.

Because I'd finally found a pub.

It's literally on the A40.

So traffic-wise, we're not gonna be causing any problems at all.

Okey-dokey.

Before putting in an offer, though,

I thought I'd better get Lisa's approval.

It's quite a lot more than the Coach & Horses was going to be,

but I think you'll agree there's a lot more to it.

Well, that won't be difficult, will it?

Yeah, I mean, there's a few things I wouldn't mind changing round,

but you could go in here and start operating tomorrow.

Whoa!

- So that saves a lot of time. - Definitely.

- And a lot of money. - Yes.

Anyway, I've managed to negotiate a price.

And we're just doing all, you know, the legal searches

and all the things you have to do before you buy a property.

So, that's all happening. But I just wanted you to see it,

obviously, before I sign on the dotted line.

- Good idea. - Yes.

Look.

- Windmill Restaurant. - Oh, wow.

- Literally on the A40. - It is literally on the A40.

So you get your own roundabout.

And then here's the drive.

It's like arriving at Balmoral. Look.

- Haven't done that myself. - You drive through the woods.

- Lovely old trees. - This is the drive.

- This is all car parking. - Wow.

And there it is. Ta-da!

- Beautiful stone building. - Yep.

- Isn't that amazing? - Oh, look at that.

And now, behold the view that it has.

That is extraordinary.

That's so pretty.

The land goes... All that scrubland in there

- is part of it. - Yeah?

So all that.

- All of this. - Beautiful.

And those are all our woods, or will be.

Wow!

Inside, Lisa continued to be impressed.

Oh, sweet holy mother of Jesus.

I think our quest is at an end, isn't it?

Whoa! This is so lovely.

Every single pub we've looked at

you bang your head when you go to the lavatory.

Even Andy Cato could walk around in here and not hit his head.

You could swing 25,000 cats in here.

I know. This is huge.

Dining area's huge.

This is completely perfect for what we want to do.

It doesn't look that big from the outside.

- You're nowhere near finished. - The size of it!

Oh my God, it goes on!

Whoa! It's like a big gallery.

Look at these original...

Yeah.

Those are the original oak beams.

Amazing.

I mean, look, it even has a therapist couch,

- if you're having a bad day! - Well, I call it a chaise longue.

It's just stunning.

Whoa! And these are proper old flagstones.

It's 15th century.

Will you show me the kitchens, please?

It's fairly sizeable, again!

- All relatively new equipment. - Yes, it is!

- A back kitchen. Good. - A back kitchen.

So there's dishwashers.

I mean, the kit's not that manky.

- It's like all less than five years' old. - Extraordinary.

No, everything, it's...

it's all included in the price.

The extraction system, that's very expensive.

- Look at you! You've done a thing! - I'm quite proud of this.

Well, we have looked at five hundred pubs.

I... I know.

Back outside, there was another treat in store for Lisa.

Look, back here, there's outbuildings.

Shop could go there.

That looks like it has my name on it.

I really can't see anything wrong with it.

There must be a catch, Jeremy.

I can't find one.

I mean, the lawyers are looking, but...

I can't find one.

I like it, Jeremy. Don't fuck it up.

With Lisa's cheerful encouragement ringing in my ears,

we went back to the farm.

And later that day, we went to check on the pigs,

who'd suddenly decided to vandalise all the trees.

Look.

Look at the damage they're doing.

- Look at this. - How the fuck have they done this?

This looks fresh.

What are we going to do about this? That's really devastated.

Oh, look, you can... Oh, the sap. That's dead.

- All the sap is just going to come out. - That tree is toast.

Gerald's going to be so upset.

I know, Gerald planted all these trees 60 years ago.

I've just seen down here.

Ruined, ruined,

- ruined, ruined, ruined. - Scheisse.

We didn't think about that, did we?

No. We have to rethink this woodland pig strategy, I fear.

- Oh, these are the boys. - Yeah.

Look, all the little saplings coming up. He's just getting one now.

To be honest, the boys aren't doing half as much damage as the girls.

It's like girls' lavatories.

They're always more vandalised than boys' lavatories.

How do you know?

Well, in my mind they are.

If you state a fact like that, it is a fact.

We then reached the piglet enclosure.

- Here they come. - They've got so big!

And almost immediately, we spotted a problem.

But hang on.

Look.

- Jesus Christ. - That's so tiny!

Really tiny.

Oh, look!

That is the cutest little thing.

- But I'm not sure... - I mean, look at it.

- Look, there he is. - I know.

His little ears!

What shall we call it?

Richard.

Hamm...

- Is it a boy? - Richard Ham.

- I prefer! - It's little!

The mini one! I think we...

Look, he's trying desperately to fit in! "I can come along here."

- He doesn't... - "I can cope. I can keep up."

Here we go, he's trying to sneak in.

"Yeah, I might have a bit of food since I'm here.

Here we go, nobody's looking. No, I'm not bothered, actually.

I'm not hungry. Nah, I wanted to go there."

It's so sweet, though.

Here comes Richard Ham.

No, 'cause he's now going:

"Don't do this. They're all going to think I'm little."

It's okay.

Look how feisty he's become.

He's properly got...

That is Richard Hammond if you spill his pint.

All levity aside, though, we were worried that if he didn't grow,

he'd be bullied.

We have to be realistic.

The others are all growing at the correct rate.

That one, you know, if he stays that small,

he's going to get rejected.

Let's see how it goes for another...

- How much longer are these here? - Oh, we've got them a while.

- So we can see how he grows up. - Yeah.

Sansa!

Sansa!

Look how obedient she is when she's on her own.

Ready? Watch this.

Good dog, good dog.

And sit.

Sit.

Stay.

- Stay, stay. - Jeremy?

Hang on, I'm just in the middle of a very important... Sit.

Stay.

Come here.

And heel.

That was right in.

Do you wanna lie down?

Ooh. You know the pain when it goes...

You won't, but it goes right up.

Yeah, that happens every time we have a period.

And we cope with this.

While my plums were convalescing...

♪ Sunshine came softly ♪

...the month of May arrived.

♪ Could've tripped out easy but ♪

♪ I've a-changed my way ♪

♪ It'll take time, I know it ♪

♪ But in a while ♪

And that meant it was time for Kaleb and I

to see if the GS4 had finally started to grow.

♪ 'Cause I made my mind up You're going to be mine ♪

Realistically, if it has failed,

- and Charlie's pretty convinced it has... - No, yeah, I'm...

I'm pretty sure this has failed, my friend, unfortunately.

Annoyingly, this meant I'd have to buy more seed

and plant it all over again.

But, there was one upside.

Hey! If I've gotta drill it again

- I can use my new sat nav. - Yeah.

'Cause that means you don't need markers,

- do you, with sat nav? - No.

The Lambo's sat nav would steer me in perfectly straight lines

up and down the field.

And obviously, the combination of my motoring knowledge

and Kaleb's farming brain

meant we'd have it all set up in a jiffy.

- Right. - Right, there you go: sat nav.

Speed and position?

Yeah, click that.

Erm...

Enable.

Why is it not...?

- It's not enabling. - No.

Master switch disabled. Everything's disabled.

And it won't enable.

Is there no one we can ring up?

- Hello? - Hi, mate, it's Kaleb.

I'm just trying to set this GPS system up.

Everything's saying "disabled".

Right at the very top of the screen,

there are some little symbols on the screen.

- Yeah? - Right at the very top, very top.

It's a good job I'm not a fighter pilot.

Green dot. Yeah, that's us, yeah, got it.

Easy Steer alarm.

"Activate the switch." Which switch?

Is it a button or the rocker switch?

Just press it down quickly. Hold that button.

Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold.

Do I need to push it down the other way then?

'Cause I've got at the moment like the cross thing down.

- The cross thing is down? - Yeah.

But it should be down towards the window down, it will be.

"Towards the window down"?

- Can I have the phone for two secs? - There you go, you have it.

Sorry, mate, it's Jeremy.

So I've got a blue switch.

One has got a steering wheel with a lightning bolt next to it.

One's got a steering wheel with a lightning bolt and a line through.

So that's the power supply

to the electrical steering bar that does all the steering.

What you're trying to do,

you're actually turning on the electrical orbital unit underneath the screen.

So when you press the Auto button on the screen

and it tells you "Steering controller detected,"

it's not detecting the steering controller.

The average age of a farmer is 62 years old.

How the fuck do you teach them this?

It's telling us to activate a switch.

There must be another switch.

I'm afraid there isn't.

Erm, there seems to be an error.

- Is there an error somewhere? - Yeah.

Right at this second in time we're not going to do anything

without somebody coming to see it.

I was looking forward to doing sat nav.

Yeah. All right then.

With the sat nav out of action,

we had to go back to the olden days and deploy my paint marker.

Right, just go, Jeremy, go.

Eight miles per hour.

Shit, that's only six.

Oh, shit, I've got the speed limiter's on.

What button do I push to turn the speed limiter off?

What do you mean?

Well, it won't let me go any faster than this.

What happens if you push your joystick forward?

No, nothing.

I think this tractor is...

massively too complicated.

I've just noticed something as well on the drill.

If I was looking from where I am now,

I reckon you've got a flat tyre on that drill, my friend.

- It's flat as a pancake. - Is it?

Yeah.

Why don't I just go to bed and write today off and just say:

"Okay, today never happened."

Given that this wasn't a job for Kwik Fit,

I had to go back to the yard and try and get the wheel off myself.

Well, you can't get a spanner in.

How do you...

Right.

So. Oh, you can't get a handle in.

The wheel's too little to get a handle in.

Right.

Right, you little bugger.

Oh, I can't do it. My neck. Ow, fuck.

Hang on. That's an extender thing.

For fuck's sake.

I fucking hate manual labour. I properly do.

Oh.

Is that turning?

It's turning.

Holy shit!

How have I done that?

- All right? - Dude!

Kaleb then rolled the wheel over to a tub of water

to find out where the puncture was.

I filled the bucket.

Oh, my fucking God.

- What? - We got the bucket filled up,

I wheeled it over, it hit the bucket and split it.

You're joking?

- What is going on today? - It's today, honestly.

I'm in disbelief!

I mean, honestly, it's everything today.

By the time we'd found the leak,

repaired the hole and got back to the field,

it was well into the afternoon.

But, at least, we could finally start planting.

And I'm going. Here I go.

What the bloody hell was that?

Is the handbrake on?

What the bloody hell have I pushed?

I haven't touched anything.

What the hell is that?

What's up?

Oh, fuck.

Shit.

That sounds expensive.

This is fucked.

- This is... - Oh, now look who's here.

Oh, he hasn't seen this tractor either, has he?

- Oh, God, that'll be good. - Oh, yeah.

The first time he sees it and it's gonna blow up!

I'll just tell him it's fine.

Hi.

All right, Charlie?

All right?

What's this?

My new tractor.

Well, I say "new tractor"...

No, no, but why have you got it? Ignore the fact that...

The silver one kept breaking down.

So I bought this newer one,

which is much more powerful and bigger.

And guess what?

It's broken down.

I think the gearbox is shagged on it.

But...

Okay, so you just went ahead and bought this?

- How many hours has it done? - 500.

- 3,000. - I meant 3,000.

But you haven't heard how much it was.

Guess how much 340 horsepower cost.

So you got 340 horsepower, GPS, it's all working, etc.

How much do you reckon he paid for it?

I almost don't want to enter the conversation

in fear that I might justify this decision.

- 80,000. - Far too much.

- What? - The fact is

you could have got, you know, something appropriate for that price.

Come on, it looks fantastic.

No, it doesn't.

We're trying to run an efficient farm.

Yeah, no. Please allow me to have a tractor I like.

Please.

Well, I don't have any choice. You've bought it.

Anyway, the problem is, it sounds like

that... the rear axle's full of gravel

and the engine is running on pebbles.

What warranty did you get with it?

There's no warranty. It's second-hand, mate.

- It's second-hand. - It's a sixteen plate.

You can get warranty on second-hand tractors. You know that, Kaleb.

Yeah, I know. He didn't ask me!

You got me in trouble now.

You said it was a good tractor.

I mean, good for the value.

In terms of the one that you've got, you've got 270 horsepower. This is 340.

- We don't need 340. - I agree. I'm on your side.

I'm on your side. Yes, it's a shit tractor.

- It's not shit. - Despite the Lamborghini badge,

it's incredibly shit.

- And you've got to spend... - It's just broken. It's not shit.

My tractor would now be out of action until the mechanic came round.

But one thing that did impress Charlie was the pub I was planning to buy.

It's really cool, isn't it?

And during the Diddly Squat look-around,

Kaleb was equally smitten.

This is like the most beautiful pub I've ever been in.

You go in the Red Lion at Chippy too much!

- Is there an upstairs? Can I go up? - Yeah.

This is amazing.

It's an old wagon wheel, isn't it?

- Look, there he is. - That's an old wagon wheel.

- It is a wagon wheel. - See!

I love a wagon wheel.

And we can get some horse brasses and we're away.

Can I have my dart board over here?

You remember Tom Hanks in Big?

Where do you want your trampoline?

That evening, in our own local,

I shared my thoughts about what I wanted to do with the pub

once I took possession.

You know upstairs there, yeah?

I want to put a farmers' clubhouse in.

Good idea.

'Cause you know, we came here,

and we met up with those farmers?

You said to me, ordinarily, they would have been at home.

- Yeah. Or sat in the office. - You know, moping.

Worrying, yeah.

But because we all came to the pub and had a pint,

you kind of laughed about your problems rather than worried about them.

And that got me thinking. If we put a farmers' clubhouse

in the right-hand side upstairs,

and you put darts, bar billiards

and a little farmers' bar up there...

Can I please have my own... Can I be the leader of the dart team?

- You can be the leader of the darts team. - Yes!

- Can I be in your darts team? - No.

Anyway, and the idea is: go down there, we'll give you a free pint.

And you can sit and talk to other farmers about the problems.

It's a great idea.

Is that a good idea?

Yeah.

Are you allowed to give away free pints?

I knew you'd say something wrong with it.

I looked into it. And no, you're not allowed to give away free pints.

But I'd long to go to court and be charged with it.

Is there a grey area around who's a farmer?

Yeah. Somebody said that to me the other day.

"How will you know that someone's a farmer?"

Anyone's a bit doubtful, you go, "Glyphosate is what?"

- And if they don't know! - If they don't know!

"I don't know that." "You're not a farmer. Get out."

When you say about farmers

who just bring the mud on their Wellington...

- You know what I mean? - You should do that.

It wouldn't look very smart within a week or two, would it?

Young farmers, if we go into a pub together,

they made us take our boots off outside.

- Really? - Yeah. We should do it.

- And you don't mind doing it? - No. We understand.

Oh, also, the carvery's coming back.

That'll be good. I love a carvery.

That's good, you can't beat a...

And it's gonna be a proper carvery, isn't it, from like proper farmers.

It used to say, apparently, outside The Windmill,

"Probably the best carvery in Oxfordshire."

I mean, the turkey was nearly as fat as what he is. You know what I mean?

Don't you fucking laugh.

I won a T-shirt once for a 48-ouncer.

- Oh, we should do that! - A kilo of steak?

We should do that, the eating challenges.

- We're not doing eating challenges. - Is it worth

having a few events, like getting a health and safety person round...

- What the fuck? What are you thinking? - Fucking hell!

No, 'cause it's...

And there's the mood just gone!

No, let's not get a health and safety person.

They come round and then all of a sudden...

What? I'm gonna say to the local farmers: "Come to this fun pub

- for a health and safety lecture"? - No, just a topical thing...

Back in pig world, it was now time

to send another batch off to slaughter.

So, on a beautiful spring morning,

Kaleb and I headed to the woods

to round them up for the next school-bus run.

Hey, what do you think of my hat?

- "USS Hornet"? - Yeah.

- What is it? - Apollo 11.

- What's that? - Apollo 11?

- Apollo? - You know what Apollo 11 is.

- What? A plane? - No.

Please tell me you know what Apollo 11 is.

The band?

Have you heard of Neil Armstrong?

- Is he an actor? - No.

He's the first man to walk on the Moon.

But he went in Apollo 11.

- The spaceship. - That's the spaceship? Right.

Yeah. And it landed

- back in the sea. - Mmh-mmh.

And then, they were picked up

by helicopter from the USS Hornet, which is an aircraft carrier.

Right.

And this was a cap that was introduced to commemorate that.

- Them returning to Earth. - Okay.

And Woody Harrelson gave it to me last Saturday night.

- Who's that? - Woody Harrelson.

You must... Oh, Kaleb.

- Do you want to put the food in there? - Yeah.

I'm gonna try and get 'em in by feeding them in there.

Come on then, piggies!

Come on, pigbies!

Piggies! Come on then!

- Come on, piggies! Come on, piggies! - In you go.

One more!

Jeremy, shut the door! Shut the door!

All right, Larry Grayson.

Two, four, six, eight, ten, eleven.

Aw, fucking hell!

Fuck!

This tree is really irritating.

Argh! Urgh! Argh!

Could someone please undo the... Argh!

Right, we've got eleven pigs... and Kaleb.

Don't open the bottom one. Argh! For fuck's sake!

Stop! Argh!

Before heading off, I introduced Kaleb to Richard Ham.

Richard? Come out.

Wondering if the size of him would bring out paternal instincts.

There he is, look.

Oh no.

Shitting hell.

Look at him.

There's obviously something wrong with him.

Well, look at him, he's a micro pig.

- Never seen that before. - You've never seen it?

- I've never seen like... - You've never seen one that small?

No. It's just not grown.

Do you think he's ever going to grow or is he just going to be...

No, I think he'll stay quite small. I think he will grow a bit.

Do you think he's deliberately staying small so we can't kill him?

- 'Cause it is an interesting dilemma. - Yeah.

It's expensive to keep him. 'Cause you've gotta feed him.

Actually, he's eating more than the others.

We're feeding him special rations.

- And it's really expensive to kill him. - Yeah.

We'd have to pay £30 for him to be slaughtered.

And you'd probably get four sausages!

Yes, exactly.

We're not keeping him.

What else can we do? We can't kill him.

We'd have to castrate him, then, if you want to keep him.

- You don't want to breed from that. - No.

Do you know how they do that? Have you ever seen a pig be castrated?

I once worked on a farm.

"Kaleb, hold this pig.

"We're gonna take the testicles out." I said: "Yeah, all right."

So I hold the pig. They give it an anaesthetic in the back end.

We left it five minutes.

"All right, pick it back up." So I pick it back up like this.

Back towards me, belly that way.

She gets a knife.

She cuts two incisions, small incisions, in the testicle,

you know, each sack.

- In the scrotum? - Yeah.

Then guess what she did? I swear on my life now.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

She got her mouth

over the two testicles and pulled them out with her mouth.

I swear on my life!

Did she spit them out?

- Yeah, she spat them out. - She didn't swallow them?

No, no, no. Dog ate them after.

Oh, my God.

Back at the yard,

Jess, the school-run driver, was already there,

with her XC-90 parked next to our latest building site.

Now, we should explain to the ladies and gentlemen,

we are having to build a new barn,

a grain-storage barn, because...

we've now got so many different types of wheat.

Yeah, we needed to keep them all separate.

We used to grow wheat, barley and oilseed rape.

- And that's it. - Now we've got durum wheat,

spelt wheat, milling wheat, er...

- The spring barley. - Spring barley.

Given the weather,

Jess wanted to get the pigs loaded up as quickly as possible.

I hate reversing when there's a lorry driver there

'cause they look at you like there's something wrong with you.

- Morning. - All right?

- How are you? - A bit damp.

Oh, just a bit.

Some would say a little bit.

Anyway, why don't you look over there

while I just back this trailer up?

Do you want me to do it for you?

No!

That is some God-awful angle, isn't it?

That's gone wrong.

At what point do we help? Or do we just...?

We leave him another five, ten minutes, I think.

That's fine.

We just bill him for the time we stood here.

No, that's really wrong now.

- Nah. - Yeah.

Fucked it.

I can't see anything.

What do you mean you can't? You've got mirrors!

Yeah, but look. It's all fogged up.

- What are you doing? - Just... Just, erm...

He'll do anything to drive my car.

Yeah.

- Go on then, up you get. - Come in pigs.

Yeah.

Bye, pigs.

I'm so wet.

I know, but there's just a mark of respect.

That is sad again.

With the pigs gone and the rain still falling,

I headed to the office,

because the lawyer handling the purchase of the pub

had sent me the result of his searches.

Look at this documentation I've got.

And after an hour of reading through the documents,

I discovered there was an issue.

It turns out that

all of the garden, sort of lawned area, and the woods

is designated by the council

as a picnic site.

Which is sort of fine in my head because,

people don't have picnics anymore.

But would you buy a house if you thought that the garden

was designated by the council as a picnic area?

Nobody's actually going to come and have a picnic there...

but they could.

As I dug further into the reports,

this picnic issue became rather blurred and confusing.

So I rang my lawyer, Richard,

to see if he could clear things up.

Hi, Jeremy.

I keep reading in these documents

that a previous owner, and I'm going back to the nineties now,

talks of problems with the picnic site.

Yes. Erm...

That possibly is why, erm,

previous owners have looked at

seeking an amendment or to get the agreement released.

Er, because I think it attracted some unwanted and antisocial behaviour.

What sort of unwanted and antiso...

What, Hell's Angels?

Er, well, possibly that.

And also some behaviours that might put you off eating your picnic.

- Erm... - Is this...?

Hold on. Sorry, Lisa's just walked in, so...

Is this in the pub that we...

There were some public lavatories there?

Yes, there were some public lavatories there.

So were the problems centred around activities in the public lavatories?

Erm... yes.

We have happened across erm...

some quite interesting photographs

which capture

certain graffiti, erm, and some...

- Ah! - And some goings on.

I've just found the photographs in one of these documents.

So they drilled holes from cubicle to cubicle?

- Yeah, they had. - Yeah,

I don't think that was to improve ventilation necessarily.

Yeah, righty-ho. Erm...

"The cubicles themselves were full of graffiti, strewn with pornography,

and again faeces and urine."

So, this is how the picnic site was being treated.

So I can now see why the previous owner

applied to have the picnic site...

disallowed? Is that the right word, do you think?

Yes, they sought to have that released.

Unsuccessfully? Or successfully?

- And it was unsuccessful? - Yes.

So the council said it had to be kept open as a...

picnic and cottaging site?

Er, I think it was as a picnic site.

But they knew that this doggery was happening, yes?

Er, there was quite a lot of evidence, yes.

So, in terms of black and white,

it is definitely a picnic site.

There's nothing we can do to stop people coming on

and dogging and...?

Erm, there isn't as such, no.

Okay.

It was possible, of course, that these activities were no longer going on.

And after Alan explained that the public lavatories

had been pulled down years ago,

my hopes were high.

So this is where the lavatories were?

Yeah, the "A40 Bum Club", that was called.

Yeah, that's where it all happened.

All sorts of things went on there. They had to knock it down.

Sadly, though, on subsequent visits over the coming days,

I kept finding evidence to the contrary.

Fucking hell, honestly.

And on the road sign outside the pub,

there was even more of a clue.

I then went through the lawyer's report with Charlie,

starting with the infamous public lavatories.

They left

gentlemen magazines lying around.

God.

This was pre-mobile telephone numbers,

so they wrote their home phone numbers and addresses on the wall, saying:

"I'm looking for a good time", and so on and so forth.

So the landowner then went back to the council,

as I understand it, and said:

"Actually, this picnic site

isn't really being used as a picnic site.

Can we please get rid of it?"

And the council said no.

So, the lavatories seem to have been demolished

without planning permission.

Because it does state that there should be provision of...

Yeah, so people then started going into...

Well, but that's what it says.

- The Windmill itself. - Yes.

But, the pub and the car park,

as far as I can determine,

are not part of the picnic site.

"Please can I use your lavatories

because we rather spoiled the ones out there dogging and cottaging",

you can say no.

I don't think you can.

- I think there's some wording in... - What?

One of the agreements that says if the lavatories are not provided out here,

the owner-operator of the restaurant must provide facilities.

It's in one of the documents very clearly.

But...

It's the perfect site.

I can see that.

And now this bloody picnic site.

Of all the damn things.

Oh...

Why is it going so fast?

Why are we going a million?

I want to take our cows and mate them with a bigger bull.

No!

We have some pretty significant news.

Here we go.