Original subtitles

The morning after my meeting with Cotswold District Council,

I withdrew my offer to buy the Coach & Horses.

This was a sad day for me,

and a sad day too for this lovely old building.

But even though I was feeling quite deflated,

I had to turn my attention to a problem

that was affecting every farmer in the land:

the weather, which, like a stuck record,

had reared its ugly head yet again.

There have been grey skies over farming for six months now.

The sodden ground spells disaster.

Crops are already rotting,

while many with livestock have seen grazing land turn into mud.

In 2024,

the ground is simply too wet.

This time, the problem was

we'd had almost continuous rain

throughout a mild winter.

In the past 188 years of weather records,

we've never had a wetter February than the one we saw this year.

And now we were into the April planting season,

everyone was stuck.

No one could get their crops into the sodden ground.

And it was still raining.

Mentally, financially, anything, we can't carry on like this.

We'd been hit, the same as everyone else.

Rain, rain, rain.

It's stopped progress. No spraying, no fertilising, no drilling.

It just keeps on coming.

This meant my crop chat with Charlie

was more of a crisis summit.

I don't want to go on about rainfall 'cause we've done that

in every single programme since we started making Clarkson's Farm.

Basically, since you started farming.

- It hasn't stopped raining. - The weather's been rubbish.

I haven't had one proper year yet.

No.

I printed this out from The Times.

"Sick of all this rain? You should have seen 1872.

By December 1872, after 12 months of continuous rain,

conditions in England were little short of apocalyptic."

At least according to The Times.

"In the fields, rats as plentiful as hares ravaged the cabbages.

In Cambridge, rowers practised in railway ditches.

Rivers flowed into the cellars of Leicester.

The Archbishop of Canterbury was leading emergency prayers for blue sky."

That was in 1872, okay?

"And how much rain did we have in England that year?

Roughly the same as has fallen in the past 12 months."

Interesting, isn't it?

1872, they had the Archbishop of Canterbury praying...

- For blue sky! - For it to stop raining.

- That's amazing. - And now we're just sitting here going,

"Oh, bloody nuisance, this rain, innit?"

- We're getting used to it. - Yeah, yeah.

Anyway.

It's now April the... 3rd or 4th.

How much later can we go

before we have to plant that durum wheat?

We're getting to a point

where the yield is dropping off quite quickly.

And the weather forecast for the rest of this week is rain.

Yes.

Monday, rain. Tuesday, rain.

Wednesday, rain. Friday, rain. Saturday, rain.

It's not a good outlook, is it?

What the fuck are we gonna do?

We haven't got the durum wheat planted.

We haven't got the rye grass in. We haven't got the NUM3 in.

And nor is all of the herbal ley.

- The GS4? - The GS4.

That is in. I planted it.

We might have to re-drill it.

We will have to re-drill it.

- The field I did? - The field you did.

It's not growing.

I must say, I was up at the farm shop yesterday.

No, day before yesterday.

- It's quite brown. - Talking to a farmer, I said,

"I've got my GS4 in." And...

- And he went... - Expansive gesture! And he went, "Where?"

Well, he had a point.

The seed went onto the ground and it's no longer there.

- Shit, we need it to feed the cows. - That's the point.

If we want to feed the cows this year,

we want the GS4 in quite quickly as well.

But, the priority is very easy: durum wheat, GS4.

Give me a deadline.

So if by the 24th of April we haven't got the durum in,

that's the problem.

But we have planted it in May before.

And the yield was...

Poor.

Right.

I think that's last year's calendar.

Why haven't we gotten another calendar up?

I don't even know what month that is.

I'm gonna get a calendar and I'm gonna ring it.

- 24th. - There's one on your phone.

Yes, but I can't hang my phone on the wall.

Well, you could.

On the odd day when it didn't rain,

the fields remained completely waterlogged.

Look how much flooding is over here.

- Yeah, all floodplain. - Jesus.

Lisa and I, therefore, used the time to get back to pub hunting.

And, rather sadly, we were spoilt for choice.

- Every single pub owner I went to... - Yeah.

Every single one said that their pub was for sale.

Every single one.

Oh, my God. Like, so, if you look at this, right?

- Yeah? - In 1990,

there was 110 pubs per 100,000 people.

- What, in the UK? - In the UK.

And then, in 2022,

there was about 68 pubs.

- So it's fallen from 110... - To 68.

- To 68, per 100,000 people. - Yes.

I mean, there are so many for sale.

So many.

The first pub we visited was a heartfelt reminder

of this sad decline.

But you're still open, aren't you?

- No, we're not now. - Oh, you're closed.

Closed on Mother's Day.

- Oh, shit. I didn't... Oh, shit. - Yeah.

And what made it even more sad is that the pub was an absolute gem.

Oh wow, look at this.

This is a properly nice building, isn't it?

It's very, very charming.

However, access to its car park meant it wasn't right for us.

So, if it's busy and you've got cars coming in

and cars trying to get out, this is a gridlock right here.

I agree, I agree, I agree. That is an issue.

This is our issue.

The next pub, another beauty, had no parking problems,

a lovely garden, great views,

and a proper Cotswold-pub interior.

Come and see the garden room.

It's a good size. It has a good flow to it.

It's very pretty, isn't it?

- It's very, very charming. - Yes.

Oh yeah, this'll do.

- It's a perfect size. - It's a bar with a view as well.

It's a stage as well. Ta-da!

Ta-da! I do like a bar.

But if I wanted to put a shop in it,

it would have to be listed by the planners as a Class E establishment,

not just a pub.

I don't suppose you know if you're Class E, do you, planning-wise?

- Are you a pub or a restaurant? - Er, pub.

Shit.

Okay.

Lisa didn't think this was too much of a problem.

I did, though.

While you're doing planning permission,

we could be up and running and busy.

No, that's true, but...

If you don't ultimately get planning permission, I end up with a pub.

Yes.

And I don't want a pub. I want a pub and a shop and a butcher's.

Our final pub of the tour had good-sized outbuildings...

- Farm shop. - Yes!

A garden with well-aerated soil,

a great name,

and a brilliant car park.

Can you imagine having your own personal traffic light?

There's a sensor on it, look.

I drive up...

"Oxfordshire, stop."

What? You think it'll think the film crew's a car?

Yes, it did!

Look, every... the lorry has stopped.

That's stopped.

Fucking hell, I want that.

But then, we took a tour of the interior.

I mean, let's be honest, it's hideous.

It is the ugliest building in Oxfordshire.

There's so many beautiful Cotswold pubs.

Why would we buy the ugliest building in the county?

We could call it "The Ugly Pub".

Back at the farm, the continuing rain meant

we were confined to the office, unable to plant.

However, rain doesn't stop pigs giving birth.

And that night, Swizz, the pregnant sow,

showed signs that her piglets were on the way.

Oh, my gosh! Did you do that?

All right, get on and do your others.

Well done, mum!

Aw...

Look at that little piglet.

So that one's on, but this one's not yet discovered.

Come on, piggies.

Get some colostrum in you and you won't shiver.

Look for it.

There's the teats, right down here.

Can you get it in your mouth?

Are you on?

Yeah!

Good girl.

By the time Lisa and I arrived,

Swizz had pushed out a total of nine.

This is looking great.

So this pig has produced 25 piglets in a year.

- Amazing. - She's got a new name.

- Not Swizz. - Yes!

So you think that's the end?

- She might be done. - The teats will only...

She'll only have so many full teats to match the piglets.

So this isn't one, she's not having that piglet.

She's not having that piglet. She's had nine.

- Can they have an odd number? - I don't know if that's how it works.

- What? - I don't think that's how it works.

- What? - I think they all fill up with milk.

I don't think they only fill...

if you've only got ten piglets, only ten pop.

No, I don't think that's it. No, Lisa,

a pig doesn't just fill up its breasts...

Due to how many babies its having!

What? Only nine of her breasts will fill up...

- If she has nine babies. - If she has nine babies.

Obviously.

Well, so say you had one baby, did only one tit fill up?

It's not the same, though.

It's not the same.

So every single piglet in her stomach

would have been lying a certain way

and then all go to the teat that corresponds

to the way they were lying in the womb.

Lisa, you're talking absolute nonsense.

When was the last time you gave birth... to anything? Shut up.

Aw, they all look so happy now, don't they?

All suckling

and the mother lying on her side and not squashing any of them.

- Nice one, Harriet. - It's great, isn't it.

- I love it when the pigs give birth. - It's the best part of farming.

I just love it when the pigs give birth.

- Isn't that perfect? - Yeah.

The next day was a big one,

because after more than two months away,

Lenny Henry was back.

Hello, girls.

Looks like they've lost a little bit of weight.

You're back!

- You all right? - Who are you?

Good to see you. How'd it go?

Oh, yeah, it was good.

- Good to see you. - Good to be back.

- Yeah, it was good. A helluva experience. - I'll bet.

- Christ. - It's been a long time.

I've seen so many different farms. Onion farms.

Big cow farms. It's been awesome.

- That's all you've seen? - And a goat farm.

- Goat farms? - I went to a place

near Wales which is like a cliff farm. I say "cliff"...

They had sheep grazing on, like, a cliff like that.

- I was like, "Will they fall?" - Yeah?

Weather's good.

- Hasn't stopped since you left. - I know! It's bad!

- Hasn't stopped raining since you left. - Some would said I timed it well, though.

But, it's like this. Anyway, as you can see...

- I've managed. - Yeah!

Clean yard. Spotless. Everything tidy.

Looks like a farmyard. Looks good, doesn't it.

- Cows mucked out. - Yeah.

I bet you thought it'd be all on fire

when you got back, all the animals dead.

- Fire everywhere. - No, 'cause I've been saying, actually,

everywhere I go, I've been praising you up actually.

One thing I'm amazed you haven't noticed...

- Yeah, so have you bought that? - No, it's on demo.

Why?

The Lamborghini's been a bit unreliable since you went.

Has it? What's happened?

- Everything. - Really?

Hmm.

I've had to get help.

- What's happened? - I had to get someone to help me.

What do you mean?

I'm confused.

You'll meet Harriet. You'll like her.

Okay.

Sensing that Kaleb wasn't entirely happy

about me hiring someone else,

I decided he should meet her as quickly as possible.

So, where we're going now...

Harriet's, where she's drilled the barley.

- Okay. She done a good job? - Yeah.

So, it's all coming up. Look, you can see the slugs have been...

- Hammering it. - Hammering it all the way down.

Right, now, that... that's Harriet, all right?

All right.

- Now, be nice. - Mm-hmm.

Behave. I'm not having any of your Andy Cato nonsense.

This is going to be interesting.

'Cause he wants to encourage young people to start farming...

but I don't think he wants them to farm on this farm.

Hello.

- Lovely to meet you. - Hello.

- You okay. - Yeah, you?

- Oh, yeah, have you not met? - No, not yet.

Harriet, Kaleb.

- Did you drill this? - Yeah.

Judgement here.

Yeah, inspection.

Look, are you pleased?

- We've got barley germinating. - Yeah.

Right, they've met, look, they've met.

No actually fighting so far.

- What's that? - Slugs.

Slugs, Kaleb.

- How are you, Harriet? - Yeah, good.

Fert's on.

- You got fert on? - Yeah.

Did you put the right fert on?

- What have you found, Charlie? - A slug.

This winter has been really warm.

- Yeah. - So we've got lots of slugs.

And how many of them are there in this field?

Millions.

- Millions? - Yeah, there'll be millions of them.

What they do is they just strip the leaf, they just eat the leaf.

- But, we have slug pellets. - Yes.

If you didn't put slug pellets on, would that eat the barley?

We would not have any barley if we hadn't put slug pellets.

- It would have all been eaten. - None?

I once had to go to prison in France because of a slug...

True story.

I went to a restaurant called La Pomme d'Amour,

and there was a slug in my lettuce, and the man was so apologetic.

He said, "You can drink as much as you like on the house."

And I was only 19, so I thought, "Well, I will, then."

And did.

And then, anyway, I was arrested a bit later 'cause I was a bit wobbly.

And I was trying to explain to the policeman

that I'd eaten a slug and the man had given me a lot of drink.

But I couldn't think what the French for "slug" was.

- L'escargot. - So I said...

"Je mange un escargot sans maison."

And they just thought, "This man is properly paralytic."

- Definitely, yeah! - And off I went to prison,

'cause I didn't know the French for "slug".

- So did you get what he said? - Nope.

"I've eaten a snail without a house."

You've lost your sense of humour, haven't you?

No, I just don't speak French.

So why would that whole conversation matter to me?

- Well, it was... slightly amusing. - Yes, it was an amusing story.

- So we've got to slug-pellet. - We've gotta slug-pellet this.

Ultimately, we have got a nice crop to work with.

Enough seeds here, enough plants.

Well done!

Right. Come on.

Charlie then showed Kaleb the GS4 fields.

Which went down well.

It looks shitter here.

What a waste of a fucking field planting GS4 in it.

I've got three fields that had GS4. It doesn't feed any fucking cows.

There is literally no evidence I've done anything in this field.

We're gonna have to drill it again.

I'll rip it up and put some spring wheat in it, if you want.

No! We need cows.

- Yeah, I know. - For the pub, I've got to have cow food.

Yeah, I'm very aware of that.

- What? - But have you ever tried grazing GS4?

- Well, do you know, let's think. - No, you haven't.

Right, we done?

- Yeah. - Do you want to look at anything else?

No, I don't.

Kaleb's inspection of the main shed was equally joyful.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Whoa, what?

Who orders Skyfall wheat in 20-kg bags?

I admit that was a mistake.

Why have you got rye grass? Why?

Why is there so much paint all over the drill?

Ah! I invented something.

- All right. - That didn't quite work.

Where has the disc gone on the back? Did you pick it up?

- You mean that one? - Yeah.

Yeah, no, well, that was off, you see. That was my invention.

No, it wasn't.

Go and find it.

I'll get Harriet onto that straight away.

No, you do it.

- Put that in somewhere dry. - Well...

Put it somewhere dry. Not in here.

If moisture gets in, it'll fuck it. Put it somewhere dry.

Can I just explain something to you that I don't think you know.

- Go on. - You've just come back off tour.

- Now, I know some rock stars. - Mm-hmm?

I won't say which band.

And after they came back off tour,

when they were touring a lot, they used to rent a house.

- Okay? - Mmm.

Just the four or five of them, for two weeks.

No staff. They had to make their own meals, wipe their own bottoms,

clean up, load the dishwasher, so that when they went home,

they were normal human beings again.

You're such an arse.

You've had people running around after you.

Such an arsehole.

- No, I haven't. - "Would you like a cup of coffee?"

- No, I have not. - "Would you like me to make your bed?"

- That's what you've had. - You think that I've had that.

You're standing there going, "You, put that back."

You said, "I'm such a good farmer." What have you left it out there for?

Do you know what Blur call what you've got?

- Oh, here we go. What is it? - Cunt flu.

- You come back off tour... - You're such a twat!

"Oh, no, if you'd like to step this way? Here, are your shoes all right?

Here, let me. Are you just getting a bit wet, Kaleb?"

You've got to come back to the real world. I know! I've toured!

I came back and I was... a cunt.

You still are!

A cunt!

So, one thing I went on tour for was to see the world...

Mercifully, my tough-love chat obviously did the trick,

as, the next day, Kaleb began to bond with Harriet,

chatting away like one young farmer to another.

- Done all your courses now? - Yeah.

- How many have you had to do? - Spraying, slug-pelleting.

- Tractor, telehandler, ATV. - The fucking tractor test.

- The bloke didn't know anything. - I know.

And we needed him back on an even keel...

because, a day or so later, over at the pig pens,

there was a bit of an issue.

So, the first time we had litters,

we lost 28%, remember? They were all being squashed.

We put the pig rings in, and that death rate fell to 13%.

- Which was brilliant. - Really good.

This time, pig rings in, would have been 8%...

Except for her.

Surprise!

- She had 14 piglets. - Yeah.

- She's squashed nine of them. - No, she didn't!

So, that's back to 28% again.

We're exactly the same as where we started because of her.

Let's go back into her history.

She's called Surprise 'cause she had three.

The first time she gave birth to five, squashed three, ate one of them.

The second time she gave birth to 17,

but, if you remember,

you took some of those 17 and distributed them amongst other mothers.

- Yeah, I left her with ten. - Left her with ten.

So she squashed four of the ten.

This time, she's done nine of the fourteen.

So what are we gonna do?

Well, I mean, this is the debate we've got.

It's costing 750 pounds a year to feed her.

Yeah. And the straw and the labour.

Exactly. And she's squashing

most of her children every time.

Do you want my opinion, then, as your farm manager?

Mm-hmm.

This is only her third litter.

So I would say, personally, go one more time and try it on the fourth litter.

And if she does it again...

Yeah, abattoir.

Basically, this pig was this close to becoming sausages.

- Yeah. - And then, along you came.

Then, I moved on to pig problem number two.

Dilwyn the vet had raised the alarm after noticing

that the boar we'd rented

was bullying the three sows.

I've had to come out three times

to see them being beaten up.

The first time there was one lame one, so I gave her some anti-inflammatory.

The second time, the two of them were actually off their legs.

- And that's just... - What do you mean?

Basically, their back ends... They couldn't lift their back ends.

So he's... a rough lover.

- Something along that line, yeah. - Is that why they're all hiding?

He stops them sometimes coming out and going in.

He just stands by the entrance there.

I've seen him actually chomping at the metal. So he's just...

He's eating metal?

Yeah. I wouldn't trust him with us in the pen.

Is he saying, "Get out of my pen"?

Yeah, I think: "Leave my harem alone."

So he's not 100% safe to be around.

- But, er... - Well, can they hurt people?

Yeah. I mean, if he decided he didn't like us, he could take a chunk out of us.

- What? - Yeah, yeah, he could do.

- Really? - Yeah, he could.

Erm, he's looking at my legs as though they're snacks.

Yeah. There you go, look at him!

He is, look, he's pawing. He's like a Spanish bull.

Yeah, I'm not sure I wanna look at him from where I am.

Hello!

Look, he's so violent at sex,

he's broken the house.

And I was just in there and he was pawing the ground.

- Would they be up the duff by now? - They should be, yeah.

So can we, in the next couple of days, get rid of him?

I would get rid of him sooner rather than later.

Sooner rather than later? Okay.

- He's just not a very nice pig. - He's not, yeah.

I think we get rid of Harvey Swinestein tomorrow.

"Harvey Swinestein"!

He's gotta go.

- Yeah, very good! - "Harvey Swinestein"!

The following day, I returned with Kaleb and Harriet...

- How are you? - Good. How are you?

To send the unruly boar back to his owner.

Right, Harvey Swinestine is off.

- Harvey Swinestine? - Swinestein.

What's that? Who?

- Is that the scientist? - Oh, come on!

- No, I'm not having this. - Singer?

Actor?

- Do you have a clue? - The scien... I don't fucking know.

- Are you gonna tell us? - It's a scientist!

- He's not a scientist. - What is he, then?

He's a shocking human being.

Right, come on.

Keep coming.

That'll do.

Are you coming in there?

- Are you coming in? - I can't move around in that. I'm 63.

Well, yes, you are. We need you in here.

- What for? - What?

- This is your pig! - Come on, get the pig in.

- Can you please stand here? - You need to hold these.

- I can't get in! - Grrr!

Don't bend the posts over. Don't do that.

No, don't do that.

Woah! What is going on?

- I can't get in. - Breathe in.

Think skinny thoughts!

- For God's sake! - Can you get that hurdle quickly, Jeremy?

See what I mean? Put the hurdle over there.

- And run him up that side? - And run him this way.

But Jeremy can get the hurdle.

What...

If I knew what a hurdle was, I'd get it. What does he mean, "hurdle"?

- Incoming. - I can't... Oh, that.

- So he's coming this way? - Yeah, ready?

Ready? It's going to come out. Go on, buddy.

Come on, Michael What's-His-Face.

- Come on, Jimmy Savile. - "Michael"?

I know who Jimmy Savile is. Can we not just say that?

No, 'cause it's not the same thing.

- Why? - Jimmy Savile was kids.

- Ah... - Yeah, but these are kids.

Yeah, these are only a year old.

- They're young ones. - Jimmy Savile doesn't work.

Or a bit older than a year, are they?

Come on, Hobbs.

- He's so unbothered! - Hold, hold, hold. That's it, just in.

All right, stand in there, stand there.

Whoa!

Right, what we've got there is Red Rum.

At this point, I remembered that my knees hurt...

So, right, hold, hold.

And that I was paying everyone's wages.

So, I decided to leave the youngsters to deal with Psycho Pig.

No!

- Come on! - Here he comes, here he comes.

What's your plan, K?

Calm.

Yes, yes, it worked. Hold, hold.

Put that down. Hold. Right.

You're not fucking getting off!

Ogh! You'll break my ribs, man!

Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold.

- You okay? - Yeah.

Pig board down. Pig board down.

Come on.

This is just fucking brute force.

Yes, yes!

Let them pigs go. Quickly.

Oh, shit.

That was fun.

That board went, like, straight into my, like, rib.

Not good.

I need a bag of peas.

- A bag of peas. - Yeah. Cures everything.

No one was upset to see Harvey leave.

But it was now time for another departure from Diddly Squat.

And that was a bit sad.

So this is it, you're off.

- I'm off. - You're off back to Derbyshire?

Yeah.

- Listen, you've been an absolute star. - Thanks.

Thanks ever so much for everything. Absolutely brilliant.

- Thanks. - And best of luck.

- Yeah. - Erm...

And I'll send you pictures of the barley when it's growing.

Yeah, if there's any fuck-ups, don't send them to me.

No, I'm not. I'm not gonna tell Kaleb either, that's the important thing.

- Erm, saved my life, you did. - Any time.

- You were brilliant. - Yeah.

So, listen, if we get stuck again, can I give you a call?

Yeah.

- Just let me know. - No, sorry, let me re-phrase that.

When we get stuck again.

Yeah, ooh.

- All right. - All right?

- Yeah. - Thanks!

I'll close "t'e" caravan door.

Close the caravan door.

- Your caravan now! - Yeah.

When you and Lisa fall out, she can come and live here.

I like your thinking. She can come and live here.

I approve of that!

- You drive carefully, won't you? - All right, yeah.

All right, thanks.

Bye!

Yeah, she's a superstar, that one.

Now that Kaleb was back and fully in charge,

I could get back to my hunt for a pub.

So, that is called The Shaven Crown.

750 years old. It's got a great hall in it.

It's got a beautiful courtyard and a car park round the back.

And it is... for sale.

And so is the pub just on that corner down there.

Two pubs, one village, both for sale.

Sadly, none of the pubs I saw that morning were right,

for one reason or another.

And nor were the multitude I saw that afternoon.

If you were to make this economically viable,

you'd need 80 or 100,

lunch and dinner, 7 days a week.

And that doesn't look like the sort of village, to me,

that would welcome that many people turning up.

And I don't wanna piss another village off. I've done that.

The sheer volume of options was very depressing.

And that evening, in my own local,

I started to realise what effect this pub-cull will have.

And I was just thinking, loneliness is becoming

a big issue in rural areas.

And part of the problem is:

villages are kind of losing their souls.

You don't have a village doctor any more,

he's in a health centre 30 miles away and you can't get an appointment.

There's no village bobby on the beat.

There's no village vicar. There's no village shop.

There's no village school.

And if we end up at a point where there's no village pub...

What is a village?

It's just some houses.

The pub's the hub.

And it should always be that way...

said the man sitting at a table for one.

We were now just ten days from the durum wheat planting deadline,

and it was still raining.

But Charlie had at least found a way to make some profit

from our waterlogged ground.

There's been an explosion of demand for English willow,

to supply the appetite of Indian Premier League cricket.

And what they really want is British willow.

Obviously I don't want to be growing cricket bats 'cause I loathe cricket.

Well, I know. That's, er...

But it could be worse, it could be growing golf clubs.

Anyway, so, I buy the trees, is that right?

We pay a small price to have the trees planted,

and then they're managed,

these guys pop out three times a year to just clear all the growth off them,

and then 12, 15 years later, they'll come and harvest them.

15 years?

15 years, yes.

This incredibly long-term business plan

was the brainchild of a man called Josh.

- Hello, Charlie. How're you doing? - Are you all right?

Good, good.

These are the trees?

I need you to carry the deer guards or the planting device here.

No, come here! Dogs! Here!

- Come here! Sorry, Josh. - That's okay.

Sansa, sit.

Sansa, sit.

No, not "shit", sit.

Sansa!

Fucking hell. They're worse than ever.

So, how old did you say those were?

- So they're four years oldish. - Four years?

You do realise this area you've chosen is a swamp.

That's perfect.

- Really? - That's the idea.

- Basically, that land is underutilised. - Yeah.

- So it's not earning you money. - No.

- It's about to. - So, hold on.

- Can you talk me through the finances? - Yeah.

Because I pay you how much for a tree?

So, 20 pounds for the tree and the guard, 15 on top for those.

So, 35 pounds.

- 35 pounds... - It's planted.

- We harvest them in 15 years? - 15 to 20.

So, at the other end, when they're ready,

in today's prices, they're worth 700 pounds.

And there's a dozen. So that's...

8,200 pounds.

So we get 8,000 back. But I will be...

- 8,400. - 84 years old...

By which I mean I'll have been dead for ten years.

We've got some willows. Could we use those for cricket bats?

There is a chance that it's not quite the right willow.

Who's lopped that one down? Is that something to do with you?

I've done it.

Why have you cut a bloody great willow down?

- There's a footpath running next to it. - Yeah?

It was sort of leaning over the footpath and there were bits splitting off it.

And rather than land on somebody...

- I thought that was an ash. - No, no.

Oh, that's to save a rambler's life, you've killed a tree.

Yes.

And now the council's...

I've got into trouble with them 'cause I've made a mess of the footpath.

- Who said that? - I got a letter from the c...

"Dear... Mr. Clarkson, you've made a mess of the..."

You mean I've had a letter from the council.

- Yeah, but they sent it to me. - From which council?

Our favourite council.

Anyway. Erm...

How many cricket bats, then, do you get from a tree?

We work to an average of 35.

And how much do they sell those for?

A cricket bat can go for about 900 pounds in some places.

What?

Who's going to pay 900 pounds for a cricket bat?

It's a lot. It's in high demand at the moment,

thanks to, you know, America, India, Pakistan, players being paid millions.

And it's always English willow?

It's the best. We have the best climate for it.

- Okay. Let's get them in the ground. - Right.

Here I go.

- Ready? - Yeah, go on.

There you go. Now give it a real good wiggle.

Heel it in.

- And that's it? You're happy? - Done.

The planting of these weird rootless cricket trees

was not without complications.

Ooh, my God! Jesus Christ!

Are you actually sinking there?

Look, I mean, honestly, that's just... Ha!

And so, when we were in danger of losing valuable cameramen...

- Ben, grab me. - I'll get my boot out.

We decided to beat a brave retreat and leave Josh to it.

Sansa, Arya!

Dogs?

Sansa, Arya!

That's the last time I'm bringing them out.

Two days later, with the heavens still firmly open,

I went back to the boozer

with Kaleb and various other local farmers

to discuss just how much this wet weather was killing us.

I thought it was December the 8th it started raining. But I think...

- 18th of October. - Was it the 18th of October?

- And then... - That was it.

And we haven't really had...

No, we haven't turned a wheel properly.

Oh, I've never known anything like this. This is biblical.

Because we've had no cold weather either.

Normally, you'd get a week of really heavy frosts,

it kind of draws the moisture out of the soil,

and you'll get a dry time afterwards.

It's just been mild and wet continuously.

The winter crops that went in last autumn are suffering on heavier land

because they're just sitting in water.

They're turning yellow and they're drowning in the field.

That's what it said in one of the reports I was reading this morning.

There's a number of farmers who just don't think they'll have a harvest.

No, no.

We've got, well, about 2,500 acres of spring crops to try and get in,

spring barley, in the next ten days, two weeks.

So if this rain doesn't stop in the next two weeks,

we'll have 2,000 acres of...

- Nothing. - Bare fields.

- Probably the same, yeah. - Same?

- Yeah. - For the first time...

Apparently, the second-hand combine market, is flooded...

Pardon the pun. But it is.

People are selling their combines

because they're not gonna have anything to cut.

But I have been thinking, the risk and the stress and all of the worry

about the weather and the prices and so on,

is it not just easier to say,

"Sod it, I'll put the entire farm into a Sustainable Farming Incentive,

SFI, scheme, government scheme?"

That is exactly where we were a month ago.

With the scheme, we've got an agreed price that we're all gonna get

from a crop that's not being used for human food,

but we know where we're going, we know where the income's coming from.

- Yeah. - You can keep your bills being paid.

To keep going. 75% of our farm is going into...

- Schemes. - Yeah, a scheme.

- What are we? 10? - Yeah.

- 10 or 15. - Yeah, 10%.

We're only probably 10%.

But that means if 10% of the land

is being taken out of food production this year,

and we've got this weather...

Yeah, it's how much is actually gonna be left fallow.

I mean, there's going to be a shortage of wheat and barley.

- There is. - Yeah.

And ultimately, people have to eat.

Exactly.

Indeed.

Seven days before Charlie's planting deadline,

the rain finally stopped.

But, the fields were still far too wet to plant anything in them.

So I went off to wade through a backlog of paperwork.

God Almighty.

And that's when Charlie called, from a hundred years ago.

Erm, I've been thinking about cultivations

before we drill this durum.

And I think that we should plough it.

What?

Hang on, sorry. I thought people hadn't ploughed the soils

since about 1926.

No, it still has a useful place...

Charlie explained that ploughing would kill the weeds

without using chemicals,

and, crucially, help dry out the soil more quickly.

I think we'll also get the durum wheat in

in a more timely fashion between these sort of showers,

rain events.

I'm just thinking it's probably what's required.

- Right, so, ploughing. - Ploughing.

Not knowing anything about ploughing,

I immediately rented the biggest one I could find.

And that was great...

but it came with an instruction manual written in gibberish.

"Calculation of minimum ballasting value at front,

GV min,

for rear-mounting implement.

GV min equals GHX, bracket, C plus D, brackets,

dash TVXB plus.

If the distance between the tractor's rear wheels is not to be altered,

it is additionally possible to reduce the side pull

by laterally adjusting the three-point..."

Thankfully, at this moment, the farm manager arrived.

- All right? - Are you all right, mate?

- Yeah, not bad. You? - I've got a plough.

Charlie says we've gotta plough.

I've been speaking to Charlie about the ploughing

but I didn't know he was gonna get this big of a plough.

- No, I got that. - I kinda gathered that!

- Why... - I can't understand the instruction book.

When have you ever read the instruction book?

Well, no, I know.

Kaleb conceded the instruction manual was nonsense.

What?

So, he offered to give me a hand.

I've got a vast range of new warning symbols on the dashboard.

Well done!

Right, now it's your hoses.

Can you float them all for me?

- What? - Put them into Float.

What do you mean, "put them in the float"?

- I don't know what you... - Have you put them into Float?

I don't know what that means!

Oh, God...

These are your hydraulic spools, yeah?

To float them, there's a button on the back.

Yeah.

Pull that button in and hit that one.

It makes it easier, then every pipe will go in easy.

To say this is the colour of that...

G-Dog!

Yeah!

He's making even less sense than you at the minute.

I've got a spade in the back of my van! He's getting there big time!

When you've had one, you're always subject to the second one.

It's like digging your garden.

Yeah, that tractor will romp along with that all right,

don't worry about that.

- Yes. - Oh, yeah!

He's gotta cut that out, he has! What's up then?

Can you remember

when the last time anyone ploughed this farm was?

I can remember when that happened.

Gazza was playing for Newcastle,

instead of doing what he does half the time.

- Yeah. - When you've got a clear thing,

you can do anything with it.

It's never been ploughed with an eight-furrow before up there anyway.

What's up there, now?

With the plough attached to the Lambo,

we headed off to the fields to start work.

Bottom left. Now press it.

God, there's some engineering in that thing.

Amazing!

How much do you reckon that weighs? Five tons?

Four ton? Yeah.

And it's gonna be six inches into the earth.

- Yeah. - That is called a land anchor.

Yeah.

Now you're gonna see what a powerful tractor can do.

Here we go.

Hand throttle engaged.

You're about to see, for the first time,

the true power of the Lamborghini.

I'm ploughing!

Unbelievably wet field.

Yes!

No!

I don't think he has a fucking clue what he's doing.

We may have some wheelspin here.

Kaleb, we've got a little bit of wheelspin.

So if I was you, lift it out the ground.

Try and get out of this wet bit.

Ready? Here we go.

Barely noticing its workload.

Drop the plough down!

Drop it down!

Unbelievable. You're only skimming the top.

What you normally do to get rid of the weeds in a field

is you use weed killer.

But that puts chemicals into the soil. Nobody wants that.

If you plough, you turn the soil over

so that the weeds are deprived of light and oxygen

and then they die.

So you'd think, "Great, do ploughing."

But if you turn the soil over, you're releasing the carbon

and then that goes up into the sky and then Greta Thunberg has a paddy fit.

This is farming. It's the constant game of Whack-a-mole.

You solve one problem and create another.

Do you want me to produce food for you?

Yes.

So, do you want me to hurt the sky or the soil?

Those are your choices.

When I reached the end of my first run,

Kaleb pointed out that, actually,

I hadn't hurt the sky or the soil.

That is the shittest bit of ploughing I've ever seen in my life.

Well, how could I have done it any differently?

Drop it in the ground. Look, you're only skimming the top.

Obviously, I'd been incompetent again.

But, Kaleb reckoned that because the soil was so wet,

we were on a hiding to nothing anyway.

I think it's way too wet, mate.

That tractor's trying to pull all them eight furrows, that's an anchor.

- Yes? - I said, it's a land anchor.

Yeah, through the soil.

- Yes. - So it needs much more traction.

Yes, which luckily I've got 'cause I've got new tyres on it.

- Yes, you have, but... - 270 horsepower.

But...

This is what it was built to do, would you not agree?

Desperate to prove that my old friend would save the day,

I went for another run.

Sinking plough.

Plough. That's good.

Right, here we go.

Building up revs.

Come on, mighty Lamborghini.

God, I've got some wheelspin.

A lot of wheelspin.

Come on, you can do it. Come on!

Come on.

But, with the enormous plough actually in the soil,

I was going nowhere.

It does not like this bit.

No, no, no.

Whoa!

We are struggling here.

I think it's probably too wet.

Shit.

Drying this field with a plough, then, had not worked out.

It had simply been too big a job

for even my wonderful old Lambo.

A couple of days later, though, my new tractor arrived.

So, I got it down to Fendt, New Holland, with the levers in it,

and the Case.

Yeah.

Ta-da!

Ha-ha! Check it out!

Check it out!

It's a Lamborghini again!

Our quest is at an end, isn't it?

So you just went out and bought this...

- How many hours has it done? - 500.

- 3,000. - I meant 3,000.

But hang on, look.

- That's so tiny! - Really tiny.

It's the perfect site.

- I can see that. - But now this bloody picnic site.