Original subtitles

Young love, take this bus, take this bus, hop a ride.

Ringing you every day, begging for a word of praise.

I put aside my foolish games, I run and hide and call a name.

School's out, bells will ring.

Time for time to teach me everything.

Did you teach, did you teach me love?

I can't learn fast enough.

Teach me, teach me more.

I've got to learn to love on the floor.

Lesson one, just begun.

We're rolling up, ain't much fun.

Rolling up, out of school.

Out of love, out of rules.

No one there, tell me how.

My girl, teach, teach me now.

All right, folks, can we all come down for a second?

I know that you, uh...

You settle down. No, I want everybody to settle down. Sandy, come on. Now, none

of that is not a time to make silly jokes. It's a time for a little bit of

talking before we really get to the important part.

Here we go. Well, it's been another great year here at Jams.

Who can forget Mr. Pincus' haunted classroom? Thank you, Sandy, for that.

Yeah, I ain't afraid of no ghost.

Or the wild success of the book drive for the women's prison, which Ms.

Pavacek's class sponsored.

Thank you, Beth.

But as summer... draws upon us, it's time not only to say goodbye to another

school year, but sadly also to say goodbye to one of our faculty members.

Yeah. Elizabeth?

Is Elizabeth Halsey here? There she is.

Elizabeth, can you come on up here?

Yes, that's appropriate. Applause, I think.

Elizabeth, even though you were only with us for one short year, please know

that we will always consider you part of the Jams family.

And we got you a little something.

Ta -da. Oh, thank you.

Wow.

Almost $40.

Thank you.

You're very welcome. Speech.

Okay, well, I'm really terrible at these types of things, so I'll make it quick.

I know I've only been here a year, but there's so much I will miss.

My students probably most.

And I wish that I had got to know all of you better.

but between board classes and planning a wedding, my plate was full.

Still, I know our students are in good hands.

And even though I'll never teach again professionally, I've realized that I

don't need a blackboard or a classroom to set an example.

because I'm going to suck your dick like I'm mad at it. Oh, look.

Your mom's here. Hi, Mom.

What a fun surprise.

Suitcases. Honey, are we going on a trip?

Elizabeth, we need to talk.

Sure. I'm starting to think that maybe we need to take a break.

Forever. Mom? Tell her what the accountant said. Mom!

Stephen said that you spent $16 ,000 last month.

He thinks you're bad news.

I know.

women like you. Damn it, Mom. I told you I could handle this. I just want to ask

her something. You truly love my son?

I love him so much it hurts.

All right, then.

When is his birthday?

Mom.

I'm not... You know, that is just offensive that you would even ask me

It's today.

I know.

That's why I got you this.

Happy birthday.

Austin Market?

Okay, fine.

I'll sign the prenup.

It's over, Elizabeth.

Mark, I'm pregnant.

Bullshit.

Okay, fine. I'm not actually pregnant.

You know what? I'm starting to wonder whether this has always been about the

money. You never loved me. I don't love you? I have been listening to you whine

about opera for the last year.

Okay. If the younger generation doesn't get into opera, then guess what?

no more opera an art form has died if opera goes away we're fucked i want my

ring back what am i supposed to do huh where am i supposed to go

There she is!

Elizabeth Halsey!

I am so excited we're going to be across the hall, mate, but I am so sad it's

because your relationship ended.

Who are you again?

Amy Squirrel.

Squirrel? Yeah, you know.

Don't worry, you were kind of a lone wolf last year and so busy planning the

wedding.

I found him in bed with somebody else.

Oh, my gosh.

It was another man.

Shut the front door.

Look, I know you kind of skated by last year doing the bare minimum thing, but I

just want to say, now you're back, I just know you are going to get your

teaching on.

I thought the teachers were supposed to get the apples.

Well, I think the students teach me at least as much as I teach them.

That's just something I say sometimes.

Stupid.

Sorry. I just wanted to know if you wanted to grab some lunch.

I'm kind of in the middle of something, Lynn.

My treat.

You know, Lynn, when I first started teaching, I thought that I was doing it

all the right reasons.

Shorter hours, summer's off, no accountability.

Oh, I love my summers. Fresh corn.

From now on, my full -time job is finding a guy who's going to take care

God, I pray for that.

You know, I spent my entire summer hanging out at bars near where the Bulls

practice.

I had some fun, got some cool souvenirs, but those guys are not looking to

settle down. I mean, they all wear condoms. Then they take the condoms with

them. That's how paranoid they are. Like it's so easy to get pregnant from some

dude nutting into a condom.

Yeah. Yeah.

You're going to find someone great. Yeah.

I've been thinking about it a lot.

I'm like an eight, eight and a half.

But if I got a new pair of tits, right?

Don't want to do that. You're already so pretty.

You have no idea how difficult it is to compete against these Barbie doll types.

Yeah, that's true.

We're not getting any younger.

Yeah. Ooh, we should finish up.

Wally's got that big orientation in the auditorium.

Yeah, I'm not going to go to that.

But it's mandatory.

Ooh.

I probably won't go either.

I don't know, I might.

I'll probably go and just sit in the back. Maybe leave early.

Maybe day to the end. I'll play it by ear. Or just day to the end.

Oh, I don't know.

Okay, well, this was fun, huh?

Welcome to Air 7th Grade Social Studies.

I'll be your captain, Miss Squirrel. Current altitude for the year will be

geography through current events.

They have a layover in civics, so buckle up, because it's going to be a crazy

ride.

The photographer was, like, so nice.

He made me feel, like, really, really comfortable.

I might get flown to Kansas City for their fashion week.

Kansas City?

Talk much?

Loser!

I'm Sasha Abernathy.

Did my mother bake these cookies for you?

Just leave them on the desk.

You need something?

Anyone seen Stand and Deliver? Show of hands.

Are you kidding me?

Edward James Olmos?

Lou Diamond Phillips?

Wow. All right.

You and you.

Grab the TV and roll it up front.

We're watching a movie on the first day? I think it's awesome.

You rock.

Oh.

Because you suck.

Elizabeth.

Hey, Russell.

Russell Geddes, gym teacher.

We did bus duty together last spring.

Yeah. So I heard about the whole engagement thing.

That blows.

Did you know I walked in on him trying to fuck his dog?

Peanut butter everywhere.

That's gross.

Anyway, hey, uh, might be too soon, but you wanna, like, grab a bite or

something sometime?

You still a gym teacher?

I am, yeah.

Then no.

I don't date co -workers.

I won't tell anyone.

I hope they said no.

Okay, cool.

Well, this has been awesome.

Somebody's got a case of the sleepies.

What? Did you see the coleslaw altercation?

Yeah. That one kid hit the other kid with some coleslaw.

You weren't at the orientation the other day. Okay.

Boy, Elizabeth, you missed a boatload of stuff.

Anyways, the orientation, I suggested a new system for supervising lunch.

It's a quadrant system.

I tell you what, why don't you just send me a memo, and if I have any questions,

I'll find you.

Oh, oh, yeah, I meant to ask.

Did I hear you were showing a movie this morning on the first day of school?

How do I know what you heard?

Listen, I don't want to tell you how to run your class, but maybe it might be

fun to try some icebreakers.

Like telephone charades or the string game.

Are we going to have a problem, me and you?

No.

If I gave you that impression, well, I'm so sorry. Because

actually, I was really hoping we could be more than just across the hall, mate.

I don't know what you heard, but I don't eat muff pie.

No, of course not. I don't even know.

What that is, I just meant friend.

Tell you what, friend, I've got to get going.

Cover me.

Elizabeth, lunch isn't in for another seven minutes.

Who's going to watch your quadrant?

Hi there.

You look like Lofty McLosterson.

I know, right? Can you tell me what room 107 is?

I'll do you one better. I'll take you there.

Oh, you don't have to do that. Oh, stop it. Be my pleasure.

Scott Delacorte. Elizabeth Halsey.

I'm the new sub.

Welcome, welcome.

Thank you.

Is that a Jaeger LeCoultre?

Good eye.

Thanks. I love men's watches. It's kind of a hobby. You know, sometimes I get

self -conscious about it, but my grandfather made it, so... Oh, your

designs watches?

The family business.

Yeah, my mother's maiden name is LeCoultre.

Shut up.

So, did you and your wife just move to town?

I'm not married.

I actually just got out of a relationship.

Catherine.

It's been a year. She stole the wallpaper on my phone.

She has such a big heart.

Looks like enormous.

As you can see, the weight is evenly distributed, and there's minimal

Dr. Vogel, best hands in Chicago.

May I? Absolutely. Take them for a spin.

God.

Wow.

Yeah. These are amazing.

Thank you.

And the nipples.

I know.

I'll take two.

The total is $9 ,300 for the surgery plus one night

stay at our facility.

How would you like to pay?

That's absurd.

I'm a teacher, not a drug dealer.

We accept all major credit cards.

Yeah, well, my credit situation is a little complicated.

I'm sorry, but if you can't pay, then I can't schedule the appointment.

I'll be back.

I'm rooming with a guy I met on Craigslist.

All I'm asking you for is $10 ,000.

You owe me for breaking off the engagement.

You know how humiliating that was?

Lover, lover, look, I don't want to fight.

It's only $10 ,000 that would mean the world to me.

Lover?

Are you there?

Fucking troll!

Did you call my name?

No, I said fucking troll.

Oh, I thought you said Kirk.

Do you have 10 grand?

Nope.

And also, I might be a little short on rent this month.

Like a lot short.

This might help.

Want to get wasted?

Uh, yeah.

Cool. See ya.

We are in a state of emergency, and my word is law.

There's only one boss in this place, and that's me.

The HNIC.

All right.

We'll pick this up again tomorrow.

Can I help you?

What?

I'm the student leader for the trip to Springfield.

Shocker. We're having our car wash this weekend.

If you're around, maybe we could wash your car.

The Springfield trip is the best part of seventh grade.

Last year's car wash raised $6 ,000.

Whoa!

Bringing these magazines to school is not the way you're going to make

Arkady. Those eighth grade boys are just using you.

So, I'm going now?

Yes, you go now. But if I see these again, I'm going to call your parents.

you understand?

Go to class.

Hey, hey.

Hey.

Go to class.

Another exciting day in the principal's office.

Do you have a second?

Uh, yeah. Oh, you know what? I wanted to talk to you, too. Did I hear that

right, that you were showing movies all last week?

Hmm. Some clips, maybe.

But, you know, in a lot of ways, I think that movies are the new books.

Uh -huh.

Is this new?

I love it!

You know, I've always said that...

Dolphins are the humans of the sea.

I have a bumper sticker that says that.

No way.

I'm not kidding.

It's on my car.

Come on.

Hold on a sec.

His name is Simon.

And he lives in the Cayman Islands.

With his brother.

What a great story.

What did you want to talk about?

I was thinking that I want to get more involved.

You know, I don't know, something like maybe supervising the seventh grade car

wash.

You know, Amy has been running that for like two years.

Yeah, but she does so much already.

It might be nice to give her a little rest.

It's so nice to see you becoming a real member of the Jams family.

It just feels so good to help.

Let's do this.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, you better not take it for a joyride. Are you sure? I'm watching you.

It's a holiday. Hey. I'm impressed.

Thanks. I've been working out. What a turnout.

Oh, yeah, and the kids are just having a blast.

Well, that's what it's all about.

God, you know, we should go get a drink tonight. I feel like getting drunk.

I mean, not drunk drunk.

Strong buzz.

Still be able to drive.

I'm sorry.

I can't yet. I'm just not ready.

But you're patient.

I think I might be worth your while.

You're worth the wait.

I think so, too.

Amy? What are you doing? Get out of here!

This will just take a sec.

Um, I happen to be peddling past the seventh grade car wash this Saturday.

Can we talk about this later?

Later we'll all die, said the gator to the fly.

What?

Let's go.

Now, I don't want to speak out of school, but from where I was sitting...

Halsey was getting pretty chummy with the money.

Are you accusing Elizabeth of embezzling from the seventh grade car wash?

Wally, we barely know anything about her.

Hey, you know what? They raised almost $7 ,000.

So whatever she did worked.

Via June's dad called. He said the car wash was a raging success.

And Lauren Ritzman's dad called. He said we should have a car wash every

weekend. Oh. So instead of accusing her, you might want to ask her for some

pointers. Well, if those pointers... Joiners include wearing provocative

beachwear for money.

I think I'll pass.

This is ridiculous. This is the one place in this building where I'm allowed

be alone with my thoughts.

I only have this once a day.

If I'm lucky, next time you accuse one of my teachers of stealing, you better

have some evidence.

God damn it!

We are done here.

I thought she was never going to leave.

She's such a phony. A major phony.

Yeah, but she also cares a lot, too.

I love how his eyes sparkle when he smiles.

I want to sit on his face.

Hey, guys. Hey.

Lynn, will you go grab me some milk? What kind of milk do you want?

Skim, whole, 2%, chocolate?

Surprise me.

Okay, I'll get you some. No, 2%. Hello.

Hola, fellow educators.

Is everything okay with Gabby? She'll be fine. I told her, Gabby, if you're not

happy with yourself, you can't expect others to be happy with you.

It starts with you.

I'm sure she appreciated that. Yeah.

And it's exactly what I told Elizabeth when she told me about this upcoming

breast job.

Oh.

Sorry.

Sorry. I thought you were telling everyone.

Did you?

Well, I'm pro -choice. I believe everyone should choose whatever makes

happiest. Except abortion, of course.

Of course.

It looks like algebra is calling.

I hate math.

Wish me luck.

Hi. I'm a math terrorist with close ties to algebra.

I have weapons of math instruction.

You're all welcome.

Man, everyone is so nice around here. Oh, of course.

Hey, watch my quadrant.

Here you go, 1%. Surprise.

Hi, my name is Elizabeth Halsey.

Any questions?

Hi, I'm Sasha's mother.

I'm a little concerned at the importance you're placing on movies.

I was just wondering what your plans were for the state test.

Listen, the school hired me because I'm amazing at what I do.

I use movies as one of my tools, but I also use a variety of other multimedia

techniques.

Listen, I could take you day by day through my entire syllabus, but that's

not how I do things.

So, that's my spiel, as the Jews say.

Please help yourself to some delicious snacks and drinks in the back.

Class is missed.

Excuse me, Miss Halsey.

Hi, I'm Morgan's dad.

Morgan.

Great kid.

So precocious.

I just wish Morgan's grades would reflect it.

If I know Morgan, and I think I do, Morgan will get there.

Listen, I'm sure you have a full plate, along with a rocking hot body.

But if you could just keep an eye on Morgan, my wife and I would really

appreciate it.

For supplies and whatever.

For supplies?

You're Chase's parents.

Hi! You know, a student like Chase would benefit so much from some extra

attention.

So you think we should hire a tutor?

You know, I'd be happy to do it myself, but it's just so hard with a class of 20

or 25 or 30 or whatever.

To be a teacher.

God, it is so hard on my salary to have to pay for my own supplies and my

fiancé, he cheated on me with his sister.

As her personal tutor, I guarantee personally that she will get an A.

Or your money back.

Well, say no more.

Make it out to cash.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I take a look at my

and realize it's not enough.

Because I've been blasting and laughing so long that even my mama thinks that my

mind is gone. But I ain't never crossed a man that didn't deserve it. Me be

treated like a punk, you know that's unheard of.

Is that true? When I go to my grave, my head will be high.

There are no victims in this classroom.

You didn't have to do that. Oh, got in it.

Oh, my favorite book.

Eat, Pray, Love.

Yeah.

This is my favorite book, too.

What's your favorite part?

Love.

No, it's medicinal marijuana.

I have a prescription and everything.

But I'm not going to tell you why because it's between me and my doctor.

Oh.

Okay, well, I feel better.

Thanks. Um, my mom and I made you some holiday cookies.

Are those oatmeal raisin again?

Gingerbread.

Let me see. Have it.

Watch the bow.

Is everything a drink?

Listen, word to the wise, stop dressing like you're running for Congress.

I don't want to run for Congress.

I want to be president.

See, that's what I'm talking about.

Keep saying shit like that, you're going to get punched.

Do you really want to be president, or is that something your parents want?

Look, you don't have to decide right now.

You know, who knows? One day you wake up, you decide you want to be a

Salary plus tips.

Think about it.

If I think about it, will I get extra credit?

Hopeless. Watch your feet.

This is indeed a winter wonderland.

Want to go get high?

Yeah.

Give me a mug. I'll go smoke it in my car.

Wow. No.

I meant, do you want to get high with me?

8 -6 -7 -5 -3 -0 -9 -9. 8 -6 -7 -5 -3 -0 -9 -9.

I got it. I got it. I got it. Hey, they don't make songs like this anymore,

right? You know, that's actually not true, Scott.

I'm writing a song right now called 8 -5 -5.

824 -1777.

Extension 777.

You guys having an awesome time? Yes. Oh, my God. I'd love to dance. I could

dance all night.

Hey, can we go somewhere and talk?

Totally go for a talk right now.

Okay.

I don't know how to say this. I'm kind of nervous.

It's happening so quickly.

You can tell me anything, Scott. You're one of my best friends.

I'm crushing on someone.

I think you're pretty great, too.

Thanks. It's Amy.

Don't run into the hall!

Kids.

She's been amazing helping me deal with my breakup.

Yeah, I don't know her that well. I know all the other teachers really hate her

fucking guts, but I stay above all that stuff.

Can I be honest with you?

Of course.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, he seems so, I don't know, simpatico.

Trust me.

She's only using you for your money.

What?

Well, I feel stupid.

No, Scott.

Scott.

Look at me.

I'm going to get my breasts enlarged in a couple of months, and when I recover

from my surgery, you and I are going to go out, and we are going to find awesome

people for each other.

That sounds nice.

You're... Out of your mind. There is no way that LeBron will ever beat Jordan.

Nobody will ever beat Jordan, okay?

Okay, LeBron's a better rebounder and passer.

Will you let me finish?

Can you let me finish?

Call me when LeBron has six championships.

Is that your only argument? It's the only argument I need, Sean!

Let's get baked.

Good. We're going to go get some baked good.

You got this?

Just try it.

Try it.

Please, don't stop pressuring her. How does she know she doesn't like it if

she's never tried it before?

You know, we should probably be getting back. Just fucking do it. We did

awesome.

Hold it in.

Just blow it out. Hold it in. Blow it out.

Lynn, I'm going to take this.

I'm going to go find a hot dog.

Well,

that was deeply unimpressive.

Like you can do better.

Really? Yeah. You sure you want to do this? Gym teacher.

You understand this is what I do.

Yeah, I got it. Like for a living.

You have no upper body strength.

Yes, I do.

Just not in my arms or my chest.

But I have reflexes. Thanks God for it.

So all this is mine, by the way, as far as the eye can see.

Really love what you've done with the place.

You have to know it's the net. It was a brand new net that I had installed.

It's the original wood.

See those championship banners?

When I first came to the school, they weren't here.

They were over there.

I had them moved over there.

So, Russell, what has to go wrong in someone's life for them to end up being

middle school gym teacher?

Well, granted, it wasn't the original plan. As a young boy, I wanted to be a

professor of physical education at Harvard.

I don't know. I like it here.

What went so wrong in your life that you ended up educating children?

I don't know.

Maybe I was a bad person in another life.

We should, like, go have a drink sometime.

Together. Like over winter break.

Nah.

Got something brewing.

Can I say something for the record?

Fine. It's about your... the... the big fake titties.

Are you really gonna do that?

Uh -huh.

Why would you do that? Your tits are fine. I like your tits. That's my

Seriously?

Seriously?

Seriously? Seriously?

Hey,

why are they closed?

It's Christmas?

Whatever. Hey, you got a lighter?

Hey, Miss Halsey, it's me, Garrett, from school.

Oh, Garrett, having a nice Christmas?

Aces. Aw, what are you doing the rest of the day? You gonna go see your family?

Uh, you know, I'm gonna go see some people.

We're having, like, a big potluck, so... Miss Halsey, would you like to come and

spend Christmas with us?

This is the season to be jolly. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Tell me something else. How do we remember?

We forget.

What is that?

I'm really sorry. I have to eat and run. I got to head over to the shelter, so.

Aw. The shelter.

Ah, that's so inspiring.

Yeah, I really love helping bums.

But you have to wait for dessert. We have a real treat.

Garrett, why don't you run and get some of your new poetry?

No one wants to hear it.

God, I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be shy, Marvel.

This is called The Chase by Garrett Ciara.

XOXO, my love for you is XOXO. About her smile that I would walk a mile

for. About her personality that makes me see the best in me.

One glance, one dance, because together... we can achieve balance

thinking.

I loved it, and I usually hate poetry.

Oh, Philip, hate on Christmas?

Sorry, Santa.

Sorry, Jesus.

Um, why don't you two give me a hand with dessert, and we can let these two

discuss.

So, a poem's about that girl.

Yeah, she... If I could just talk to her and tell her how I feel, I know she'd

understand.

Listen, it's not gonna happen, buddy.

I was that hot girl.

Hotter, even.

And I would never have gone out with you.

And I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying that to be helpful.

What do you know? You don't even know our names.

I'll tell you what I know. A kid who wears the same gymnastic sweatshirt

days a week isn't getting laid until he's 29.

That's what I know.

The sweatshirt was my dad's. That's all he left me when he left me.

There's a reason he didn't pack it.

Just saying.

Welcome to the number one New Year's Eve party in the entire world.

This is literally the biggest party on Earth. Aren't you going out with the

other nurses?

I'm not a nurse.

I thought you were a nurse.

I'm a teacher.

Welcome back.

A bunch of us are going out tonight to see Period 5 play. Do you want to come?

Period 5?

Yeah, the teacher band.

I really get shot in the face.

Hey.

Hey.

So, are you guys coming to the palace tonight?

My band's going to do a few songs.

You're in Period 5.

You're looking at the new rhythm guitarist and backup vocalist.

Should be fun. Should be amazing.

Lynn, you want to come?

Yeah. Yeah.

I love a bar.

Rock -a -bye.

Rock -a -bye.

Like you guys.

You should go talk to someone, Lynn.

I'm fine here.

Come on, Lynn. You need to loosen up and live a little.

When was the last time you had a good dicking? A good dicking?

Look, go talk to those guys over there.

In the cowboy hat?

Yeah.

Come on. You come on. Go talk to them. What am I going to talk about?

It doesn't matter.

Look, you go and you start with one of them, then you start talking to the

one, and then you go back to the first one, but still be touching the other

and then you just choose.

Textbook. Yeah, from the world's weirdest textbook.

Let me finish my drink.

Now, Lynn. One second.

No, go.

I like it here. It is really fun over here. Lynn, get your ass over to those

cowboys.

Well,

I'm glad I wore my fun underwear.

Okay.

So call me crazy, but this might be the best period five show of all time.

What are you doing here, anyway?

I thought it was poetry slam night.

Just gonna get drunk and mock them.

Sounds fun, actually.

I'll let you know next time I go.

Not that fun.

Okay, just so you know, that shit does not faze me at all.

I'm like the fucking Terminator, dude. I'm just gonna keep coming after you.

Just so we're clear.

Good luck with that.

Oh, shit.

Check it out.

I'll be damned.

That shit works.

Super fast.

Wow, thank you guys for coming out. What a turnout, right?

I just want to take this opportunity to thank the guys from Period 5 for letting

me join the band.

Also, I have an original song. It is my first crack at songwriting, so be kind.

And it goes out to someone very special.

There was a girl I met some time ago,

simpatico.

She helped me heal, she helped me grow, simpatico.

How do you know when you know? I guess you just know.

Sympatico. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Sympatico.

Exotico.

Erotico.

You're my narcotico.

Ask me how much I feel. I'll say a lotico.

Fuck! Is it me?

No, I don't... I mean, is there something wrong with me? I don't think

mean, sometimes you talk to people and... Thank you.

Forgetting. At least now you can stop worrying about him and be the best

you can be. I mean, who knows? Maybe you'll win the bonus.

What bonus? For the state tether.

Whichever teacher has the highest scoring class gets a bonus. Amy wins

year. How much?

$5 ,700.

$5 ,700?

Yeah. God damn it, Lynn.

You never tell me anything.

Yeah.

TV. Now, everybody, open your tequila mockingbirds to page one.

Good.

Now, who can tell me why Jem cries when the hole in the tree is filled with

cement? Because she's a crybaby?

Get out.

We're here to learn.

Anybody else have a problem with that?

Good. Now, who has the answer to my question?

Nobody's read this book?

It's on the syllabus.

Well, you never assigned it to us.

Well, now I am.

And we have a quiz tomorrow.

What? On the first hundred pages.

You can't do that. I have band and jazz band tonight.

You haven't had homework all year.

Things are about to change around here.

Recess is over.

Good. Good, okay.

Does anyone have anything to add to what that girl just said?

So, what are the limitations of having Scout as the narrator?

You. Chubb.

Because he... Okay,

go.

Don't. Lynch. Seriously. You and you. Hold his arms down.

Next question.

Come on.

Because Atticus is always the voice of reason and justice?

Correct. Here.

Nothing in the face.

Whoa! Wait!

Miss Halsey.

Really? Wow.

I never.

We're in the middle of a lesson. Wow.

Twilight. Look at me.

What do we talk about in class?

Your weight should be evenly distributed.

You gotta throw off the back foot.

Don't throw at her.

Throw through her.

Bail her!

This is so funny because I love Ravens and he hates Ravens. Yin and yang.

You guys are so cute.

So cute.

It's like too cute almost.

Last weekend we went for a drive.

We had no idea where we were going. We left the maps at home.

What? No way. It was fine. I have a GPS Navi system.

Oh, thank God.

And we discovered this new Ethiopian restaurant.

They finally got their own cuisine.

Progress.

Hey, Miss Halsey.

Hey. Your shirt's misbuttoned.

I'm sure it's Ms. Sutton.

Thank you, Amy, for pointing that out. You're so welcome.

God, I've just been such a mess this week, you know, just working myself to

bone. Yeah, it's been quite a change.

Well, I think it's great.

Yeah, it's great.

I just love people who are so passionate about what they do. It's so

inspirational.

Thanks. Yeah, you know, some teachers just sail by doing that bare minimum

thing. I don't know, it's just not me.

It's good to know there's still some actual educators out there.

What else, Sasha?

I think I've told you everything.

Any more movies in class?

No, we're actually learning. Hey, did you know that Animal Farm isn't even

really about animals?

Animal Farm.

Sasha, that's not even in syllabus.

Yeah, I know you're forgetting something.

You want extra credit on your diorama or not? I do. I want it. Okay, think.

Let me think.

Well, there was... What?

Never mind.

What? Well, it was okay. It was medicinal.

And if she claims it's medicinal, I would demand to see a prescription.

That's what I would do if I were you, Wally.

Do you have any proof other than what one student thought she saw?

Well, this... one student is in line to be editor of the Daily Musket next year.

She's got a lot to lose going public with this. If the teachers' union found

that I was administering a drug test to a teacher with this little proof, they

would make my life a living hell, Amy.

So we're just going to let her walk free?

Huh?

That's it. That's bonkers!

Amy. Amy.

Amy.

Stop that. Stop it.

Sorry. Sit down.

Amy, do you see this beautiful little glass dolphin figurine?

Look at it.

Look at it.

Elizabeth gave this to me.

She's a thoughtful young woman and she is teaching for all the right reasons.

Can you see she is manipulating you through the use of dolphins?

No, what I see is that you are getting worked up. And what I would hate to see

is for you to get...

Overwhelmed. Like you did in 2008.

Gotcha. Thanks, Wally, for bringing that up.

I'm all about that.

Don't do that with your mouth.

Regular mouth.

Atticus Finch is a good lawyer because he's a good person who's a lawyer.

Stupid. Point.

Spell.

Is this English?

Are you fucking kidding?

Me. Pathetic.

This is why the Japs are overtaking us.

And believe me, I don't mean you.

But we're working really hard.

You're not working hard enough. I need results.

Class dismissed.

How may I direct your call?

Hi, my name is Marjorie Goodman, and I'm calling from the Chicago Tribune.

Who can I speak to regarding the allegations of racial bias on your

test?

Please hold.

Marjorie?

You must be Carl.

Thank you for meeting me on such short notice.

Of course. Sure.

Hey, did you find the place okay? Was it a good drive? Great drive.

Listen, Carl, I know that you're a very busy man, so I'm just going to get right

down to it.

I've been speaking to various black citizens who allege that your tests are

biased towards white people and Orientals.

Okay. Let me tell you something right away. A, Orientals test better.

B, every couple of years, we get... These cockamamie charges coming in from

various parts of the state. You should hear the things that they call me.

Racist and faggotron and faggy Hitler, dick breath.

Okay? But I am not a racist.

I voted for Obama. You can quote me on that in your article.

You know what I think would help, Carl?

For me to see one of this year's tests.

Oh, sure. I can get you one easy.

No problem.

Great. Great.

The day after the schools administer them, I will shoot one right over to

I was hoping to see it sooner. I'm on a bit of a deadline.

No, that is absolutely classified.

Unless you have one of these bad boys right here.

Wow.

You know, Carl, enough business for one night, don't you think?

Oh, tell me about that. I think I'm going to have another drink before I hit

road.

You know, it's like the freedom and the wind in your hair. Obviously the image.

But then the other side is like... Mopeds are scary, so count me out. You

like such a wild man, Carl.

What turns you on, Carl?

Everything.

You want to know what turns me on?

Sex in an office.

Getting fucked really hard against a wooden desk.

Mine's metal.

Even better.

And voila!

So, this is the desk.

Do you have anything to drink?

Uh, yes, I do.

Voila! Ooh, white wine in the office.

Bad boy.

Do you have any music, Carl?

I have the internet radio.

I love internet radio.

You've come to the right place, because I have that.

See, I am not a whiz at this computer here.

It's relatively new, and Grace, who works with me on Mondays and Wednesdays

Thursdays, and I share her with Greg across the way.

Greg across the hall is actually the guy who got me into spinning.

Oh, there we go.

Shall we toast?

To new friends.

And new lovers.

I got my shoes. Is that okay? Whatever, man. I'm going to go hit the ladies'

room. Okay. There's a handicapped one. It's way closer. Use the handicapped

It's way closer.

I took off my shoes.

Oh, Carl.

I want to fuck you against the desk.

I want to fuck you against the desk.

Carl, I'm going to need you to pass the fuck out.

Mother, I am going to rock your vagina.

That wine is good.

Oh, Mother.

How did you do?

Titties.

If anyone has any information regarding the missing Annie wig, please let me

know ASAP.

Come on, guys.

There's a wig missing.

Because if that wig isn't found, you can bet your bottom dollar the sun will not

come out tomorrow.

Back to you, Wally.

Okay, thank you, Amy. I'm sure everybody wants to get home, so I'm going to be

quick. I was gone seven years ago.

God damn it, Sandy.

Sandy's so funny.

I have here the results of the state exam.

And I'm happy to announce that the John Adams Middle School, that's us, scored

in the top 5 % of the whole state.

I want to sing about one of our own who showed that with hard work and

dedication, one teacher can make a difference.

And this teacher is now $5 ,700 richer with the highest scores in Cook County.

That's the whole county.

I want everyone to give a big round of applause to Elizabeth Halsey.

Well done.

Congratulations, Miss Halsey.

Thanks, dude.

Well, if it isn't Professor Smarty Pants. Don't mess with me. I'm a lot

than I look.

Hey, Elizabeth, I am so proud of you.

I mean, if someone told me at the beginning of the year that you, you

the bonus, I would have said to whomever it was.

No way.

Absolutely not. And now, here we are.

We should go out and celebrate.

You're a treat.

Yeah, unfortunately, Elizabeth, Scott and I have to go over the itinerary for

the Springfield trip. Yeah, where the chaperones were going together.

We're dating, so it'll also be romantic.

How fun.

Yeah.

You're not seeing anyone now, right?

Almost done.

Okay, so that's endorsed.

And put the rest on these.

Let it. All right.

Okay.

next to your sticker on their all -star board?

Who brought you to me?

Oh, Mr.

Apple.

Ooh.

What was that, Mr. Apple?

You want me to take a bite?

All righty -roo.

Mmm.

Elizabeth, I just want to thank you again for stepping in today. You really

saved us here.

No problem.

Hey, is Amy going to be okay?

Yeah, I mean, he's going to be fine.

Well, let her know she's alive.

Hey, Arkady!

Someone's calling my name.

Hey, Arkady! I dare you. I'm not afraid of your dares, Rodrigo.

It's really dangerous, Russell.

I'll call you from the hotel.

Bye, Amy.

Yeah, she's sitting right next to me.

Thanks for calling again.

Amy says hi.

Wow, she sure calls a lot.

So, are you excited about your surgery?

I've never been more excited about anything.

It's a pretty inspiring message to the kids.

We should never stop working on ourselves.

Like you with your little boobs. Or me experimenting with ethnic food.

I never lose my keys.

Such a ding -a -ling.

What's wrong with your face?

What is wrong with your face?

Hey, I'm just trying to make conversation.

You're all done.

Super. Thanks a bunch, Amos.

That is definitely Marjorie, only with kind of weird hair here. In real life,

she's actually very pretty.

You in some kind of trouble?

Marjorie, I think you're the one who might be in some kind of trouble.

Did you or did you not give her a copy of a state test?

No, no, no.

Absolutely not.

No, I did give her some quotes for her article.

What article?

Her article for the Tribune. She's a reporter there, right?

That tampering.

That jams.

This time I have a witness, and like I said, Wally, she stole the Annie wig.

We're dealing with a criminal mastermind.

Sorry it'll be the bare bad news, Walsh.

You know how much we all love her.

Okay, well, you know, I have to call the superintendent. We're going to have to

cross -check her entire class of Gordon.

This is a real shit sandwich.

Of course, you know what scares me the most, Walsh?

This is just what we know, right?

Who knows what else she's capable of?

How awful.

Fruit roll -up?

You know, when President Lincoln abolished slavery, it was not a popular

opinion.

I just hate slavery so, so much.

Slavery's the worst.

If I could go back in time and undo slavery, I would.

I hate it.

Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt, guys, but I couldn't help but overhear your

conversation.

Can I tell you guys what I hate?

Sharks. Well, sharks can tear families apart.

But they're also so majestic.

They are beautiful creatures.

But they're also so ferocious. So ferocious.

One of nature's cruel jokes, I guess.

Okay.

Thank you, Elizabeth, for listening.

Scott, I want you to know you can talk to me about anything.

Your jeans feel so good against my jeans.

Totally.

Your body feels so good.

Oh, I need some water.

I'm dry humping the shit out of you. Oh, yeah, dry fuck the fuck out of me,

Scott.

Just stop talking.

I'm close.

Don't move.

Here I go.

Almost.

Wait for it.

Really close.

Ready? Yeah.

Just stop talking.

Oh, yeah.

Almost there.

I'm going to get going.

I don't want the kids to see me leaving your room.

Yeah.

God.

We are so simpatico.

Maybe next time we can dry up without our clothes on.

I'm pretty sure I'd like that.

Even your forehead is sexy.

Well, time for bed.

See you in the manana.

Elizabeth.

Don't let the bed bug bite.

Hey.

Hey. I was just going over some stuff for tomorrow.

Yeah, cool.

I'm serious.

Okay.

forgot to restock my minibar.

How's yours looking?

You know, I'm super tired. I'm just going to head to the site.

Oh.

I'll see you tomorrow, then.

Good night.

And 17!

Oh!

All done!

Shelly!

Ooh, Shelly, someone's got a mess.

Oh, no.

I had many jobs when I lived here in New Salem. My favorite job was

splitting rails, which is why they called me Rail Splitter.

Anybody know any of my other nicknames?

Honest Abe.

Yes, obviously, Honest Abe.

That was the big one, Honest Abe. They always called me that because I said

was on my mind.

Even if it made me unpopular.

Remember, a great man always has the courage to say what is in his heart.

Yeah?

I love Chase Rubin Rossi.

Great.

Who would like to see Mary Todd churn butter? Churn butter.

I love you, Chase.

I want to yell it from the mountaintops.

and even though you pretty much stopped talking to me in fifth grade i don't

care i remember the chase that wrote me a card when my dad was overweight and

had to go to the hospital because of his heart and a year later when he left my

mom and moved in with his trainer you wrote me another card what happened to

remember in the second grade when we had a sleepover and you wet the bed and you

were so embarrassed and you made me promise never to tell anyone well I

have, and I never will.

So there it is.

My heart on a sleeve.

Don't let me leave.

Oh, please don't.

Always.

Believe.

All right, guys, come

on, settle down.

Okay, let's see how Mary Todd's doing with that butter.

Okay. That's enough. We get it. You're crying.

You just laughed at me. You called me gross.

Yeah, did you hear your speech?

Come on, let's go back.

No. No, I'm not going back. Come on. Just leave me alone.

We done running?

Uh, everything okay in here?

It's okay.

I'm his teacher.

Oh, okay. Take your time.

She's never gonna like me, is she?

We can go on this? She's my everything.

Okay, here's the deal, man. I cannot keep sugarcoating this for you.

This girl is never gonna be interested in you.

Never. You clearly have a rich interior life with the poems and the whatever,

but... She wants a guy like Ian, what's his face?

Ian Mendelbaum, the rapper?

He's an idiot.

Yeah, he's a fucking moron. But she doesn't care.

She's superficial and her priorities are all fucked up.

She likes him because he's hot and popular, dude. You are sensitive.

Yes, thank you. It's not a compliment.

You have some rough road ahead of you.

Seventh grade is not your moment.

Yeah. Eighth grade will be better. Probably not.

Think in college.

That's your window.

Be ready.

I don't know. If I go back out there, everyone's going to laugh at me.

Maybe this will help.

What are you doing?

I'm giving you a gift.

Whoa. We?

are going to change the news cycle.

Trust me on that.

I thought it would be heavier.

Don't be weird.

And take this off. Never fucking wear it again. What, are you crazy?

Everything okay with Garrett?

No, it's not.

I found him hooking up with an eighth grader from another school. She was

jerking him off.

Yeah, I'm going to give him detention when we get back.

That's probably a good idea. Yeah.

Garrett probably met up with a kid from an all -boys school.

Yeah, and he was wearing this.

What?

Awesome.

It's real.

It's a nice thing you did.

I know what you're talking about.

Really? Because I couldn't help but notice that you're not wearing a bra.

And those kids over there are playing with one.

Lots of people don't wear bras.

Definitely. A lot of teachers.

Well, if you must know, I was helping a student through a tough time.

I'm going through such a tough time.

Can I have your panties?

I'm not wearing any.

Amy, what are you doing here? Stop. Talk to the hand.

Amy. I know.

Whatever we think.

Carl Halabi, the state test, the blatant disregard for the school syllabus, and

let's not forget sleeping with my boyfriend.

Got your phone accidentally called me last night.

I can't believe you'd let her take advantage of you like that.

You are too trusting.

I am.

I didn't know what was happening.

I hope you haven't spent that bonus check or anything because you're about

give it back. And then some.

Jail time.

Jail time.

Did you ever think that maybe... Save it, doll face.

You can explain it all tomorrow to the principal and the superintendent.

When you got your meeting with the principal and the superintendent

At the meeting.

Tomorrow.

I need you to go to this guy's office and scare the shit out of him.

Tell me my mission again.

Hand him the envelope.

I'm going to need a couple bucks for gas.

And a couple bucks for snacks.

When the darkness falls.

When you least expect me.

And you turn your... Oh, my God!

Sir? Oh, my God, are you okay?

I think I fucked up my knee. Okay, easy. Easy does it. Easy.

Easy. Do you need an ambulance?

Ambulance is not necessary.

Just walk it up. Okay, walking up. Number one worst thing you should

do.

Please don't touch my mirror.

What the fuck?

What the fuck? Who does that?

I'm a friend of Marjorie's.

Oh, a friend of Marjorie's? Well, get in there. Fuck you, man.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. You like that? Stop kicking it. You stop fucking

kicking it. Fuck your scooter and fuck Marjorie's. She drugged me and she stole

from me and she's going down. Let me think.

Open them.

Yeah, not bad.

For a camera phone, huh?

You can keep those, too.

Fuck.

And I was never here.

You hear me?

Fuck.

Don't stop fucking with my car!

They're ready for you.

Learning is fun tactic.

What'd you say to me? Your desk?

Yeah. I forgot that was there.

I'm such a ditz sometimes.

This is very, very bad, Elizabeth.

Incredibly very bad, Elizabeth.

Bring him in.

Mr. Halabi, thank you for your time. You're most welcome.

I guess I should begin by saying that my statement from earlier in the week was

not true.

What part of it, exactly?

All of it.

Pretty much.

I've never seen this woman before in my life.

Baloney! You seemed very certain a couple of days ago.

I did, because...

I am a casual drug user.

That's my thing, and everybody knows it. So, that explains me making

absolutely no sense.

Thank you.

You realize that if we find out you're lying, you're gonna lose your job.

Plus jail time.

Yes, I understand.

I just don't want to see an innocent teacher get hurt.

Thank you, sir. I don't want to see...

Anybody get hurt?

What the hell was that?

So, there you go.

I guess that explains everything.

Re -test.

Re -test. Re -test. Dammit, squirrel!

I am not going to have a repeat of 2008.

Stick your ass out.

A re -test on.

Come on, do we really want to tell our young people that if they study,

sacrifice, and achieve the highest scores in the state, that they're

with suspicion?

I don't.

I find these kinds of accusations troubling.

And quite frankly, reckless.

I work my ass off for this school, and I know I am not perfect.

But show me the perfect teacher.

You can't.

There are even teachers in this very school who use drugs.

They do. They do use drugs. They do.

They do.

They do.

Wally, do you remember how I told you there are teachers here who use and

drugs? God damn it.

And I'm hearing about this now?

Where is it, Axel? Where is it, boy?

No, no, no. That's my class.

Axel's barking up the wrong tree there.

Ma 'am, please don't touch the dog. Your dog has been taken.

You got it.

He's not going to find anything in here.

It's clean.

Ha!

I told you.

Maybe there's a false bottom.

That is not mine.

This isn't even my desk. It's hers.

Don't worry, Amy.

We'll get you the help you need.

You monster!

Whoa! Amy!

Calm down, Amy.

God fucking damn it! What the fuck?

I stole her desk!

You can check my urine!

Check it!

Check my urine!

Well, it's been another great year here at Jam's.

With summer around the corner, it's time to say goodbye not only to another

school year, but also to one of our own.

Amy Squirrel.

After six short years, Amy is transferring out of the district.

Speech! Speech!

Well... Wally, thank you for those kind words, and thank you all.

My decision that I made myself to leave was super difficult, but...

When the superintendent personally asks you to work at one of the worst schools

in the state, well, you say yes.

Boy, I am looking forward to bringing my brand of zany energy to those

underprivileged students at Malcolm X High School.

Thank you.

Hey, Elizabeth. Listen, since Amy's transferring, maybe the two of us

can start over.

Oh, hey there.

Scott Delacorte. And you are?

Leaving.

Elizabeth.

Here.

Buy me your book.

Hold my balls back.

I'm going to write my number down in case you need a lift after the surgery.

Just like an extra set of hands to make sure the implants are settling properly.

Thanks.

Hey, you're not going to teach again next year, are you? I don't know.

It's the only thing I'm good at.

I'm just saying maybe you should consider doing something else, like

else, like any other job in the entire world.

You know, the two of us?

It's never going to happen.

Clearly. I mean, how would that even work?

Where do you even live? In some weird apartment with some creepy roommate?

No, my creepy roommate moved out, so now it's just me and the dogs.

How many dogs do you have?

Four. Four dogs? Yeah.

Four Dobermans.

Any family money?

Yeah, you bet.

We're talking like three figures.

Almost 700 bucks.

So basically, if I was going to go out with you, I would be making the

choice to be dating a gym teacher who lives in a shack with four dogs.

I prefer to think of it as two people with amazing bodies sharing those bodies

with each other, giving each other the gift of these bodies.

Anyway,

actually, none of this really matters.

I sort of started seeing somebody.

Oh.

Really?

Congratulations. I didn't realize that.

Yeah.

So stupid.

I'm just fucking with you.

Guess I deserve that one.

Yeah, you most certainly do. I think it's about time you realize that the

world...

Be

around, Jim Teacher.

Let's do that again.

Hey, Elizabeth.

Hey, Lynn. How was your summer?

Oh, it was great. I went to the zoo almost every weekend. Wow, that sounds

great.

Oh, you didn't get your tits.

Yeah, I thought about it, you know. Because I don't even need them.

Plus, they're really expensive, you know, per tit.

Yeah, and you've got to get two of them.

And I met a guy.

Well, tell me everything.

Did you find your Prince Charming?

Something like that.

Hey, you want to grab lunch later?

Oh, sure. Yeah, my treat.

Oh, you got it last time. We'll split it. Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Hey, you and the cape.

You're up first. Let's go.

Thank you.