Original subtitles

To say, no one's ever given me a washer -dryer before.

Trevor, you're not just an agent.

You're my friend.

Listen, I got another call from the reality show.

Rehab with the stars.

I don't do drugs.

It's called acting.

So what, I should start smoking crack?

Trevor, reality is for losers.

Losers who work. Think it over.

And if you need it, I know an excellent dealer.

So what about the TV movie?

Great, then it shouldn't be a problem.

I know it's just a couple of scenes, but what the hell?

Tell them that I'll audition.

I did.

Sweetheart, they're not interested.

Look, I'm sorry.

I see.

Honey, you're America's HMO nurse.

No one's gonna buy you as a cold -blooded killer.

Trevor, you have no idea what I'm capable of.

Hi, this is Bernie, the cool king of air conditioning, celebrating 30 big years

of making Southern California cool.

And I'm Melissa, the cool queen of air conditioning.

So excited to tell you about the grand opening of our fourth big store.

In Tarzan, we've got Amana, Frigidaire, Gafford & Sattler, Kitsune, Speed Queen,

and we are still the Southland's exclusive retailer of top -rated

Industries.

So come in this weekend or for the next 30 days and take advantage of a cool 0 %

financing.

0 % financing?

Are we out of our royal mind?

Thank you.

To the Bernie's Air Conditioning family for helping to make my husband the

valley's big man in appliances for 30 glorious years.

Cheers.

Dad, I want to talk to you about Northridge.

What's on your mind?

I know that you want me to one day take over the business.

Now they're opening Tarzana.

Well, I think that... Son, everything that I know, it's worth knowing.

I learned on a sales floor.

There's no shame in it.

As far as you running the business, well, I can tell you, I'm not going

for a long, long time.

But, Dad, I think that I have enough talk, okay?

Let's have a party.

Let's see some party.

Okay. A few years ago, on HMO Nerds, we got a script that was god -awful.

My co -star, Corbin Bernson, was beside himself.

So finally I said to him, honey, you've got to make the show good in the parts

between the dialogue.

Well, of course, he had no idea what I was talking about.

When you know it, that is the year I received my first nomination.

Okay.

This card, the twins.

That's you two.

Now cut the deck.

Oh, uh, let's pick another one. You chose that one.

What's it mean?

Nothing. Pick another.

Answer the question.

That's the tower.

It foretells death and destruction.

What is it?

Are you all right? You look like you're about to throw up. Ever since that night

that we shared that foot massage at the company retreat in Combo, I've been

thinking about you, about us.

Morris, that was years ago. I want you to live.

There, I said it.

I put it on out there.

I need you. Morris, that is so sweet. And you certainly know your way around a

woman's feet.

But I'm in love with Bernie, your cousin and boss.

Could I leave to give you one more foot rub?

Well, we're only human, so we probably shouldn't.

And now we go to breaking news out of Tarzana, where a protest is underway at

the grand opening of a Bernie's air conditioning.

The demonstration conducted by the force... Yippee -yopi

-yay! Russell!

You guys are not going to believe this.

Dude, come on, George.

This so -called eco -terrorist is being led by Topanga Pillage, the daughter of

Bernard Pillage, the owner of this very same Bernie's Air Conditioning. Bernie's

Air Conditioning sells Vandenhofer Industries, a company that's seriously

out the rainforest.

And that's not cool.

70 % of plants used in treating cancer are found in the rainforest.

And we're losing them with every refrigerator sold.

Join us.

Boycott Bernie's air conditioning.

No, no, no.

This demonstration has now taken a dangerous turn.

No, no, no.

The demonstrators are now throwing a Molotov cocktail.

It's our fourth date.

We met in program.

He's bulimic?

No, he's a writer.

He's doing research for a story on eating disorders.

You sure that's what he's researching?

I like him.

He thinks my being in recovery makes me exotic.

It does.

Now you listen to me.

We sent you to UC Santa Barbara for a reason.

It's a party school.

We were hoping you'd take the hint.

We want you to be political.

We sent you to Berkeley.

I'm sorry.

I am. I don't know what to do.

Do the only thing you can do.

Go to him and beg for forgiveness.

What are you?

Will you ever forgive me?

I'm very bad at your father.

Daddy?

You don't want to talk to me.

I'm so, so sorry.

We went to Yosemite when I was ten.

You gave me this.

This eagle.

But now, I don't deserve it anymore.

You know something, Topanga?

You're right.

You don't deserve this.

You made a mockery of the company.

You made a mockery of me.

Daddy, please.

Vandenhofer Industries is not just a supplier. It is the lifeblood of this

family. And they deserve, no, they demand our respect.

Bernie, leave her alone. That's enough. Not now, Alyssa. This is between me and

our daughter.

Alyssa, I just... I want to say... Don't even speak to me.

It's an autograph!

Alyssa, who are you wearing?

I fear that there will.

One day be children asking, what is a tree?

So big, so strong, so filled with sap.

A lumberjack deserves a slap.

He chops, he chips, he'll beat, he'll grind.

Why are people so unkind?

For the long, hard trunk, so firm, so fine, t 'was cut down.

By a dollar sign.

The poetry of Topeka Pillage.

Afterwards, we all went over to TGI Fridays for cocktails and baby back

Considering it was the worst day of my life, it was a very pleasant affair.

Sure, I'm upset.

Fucking beside myself.

Excuse my daughter for Christ's sake.

And Tarzana was our new flagship.

It was going to boost our numbers for the entire year.

Now what have I got?

No Topanga, no Tarthana.

Shit. Not gonna sit here and tell you she was perfect.

Happened to know she didn't die a virgin.

She had a boyfriend and they, well, you know, they fucked.

You should have seen my mother at the funeral.

Up there milking the spotlight.

You'd think she was on the goddamn Tonight Show.

Alyssa's eulogy was like watching one of her old disease of the week TV movies.

Except those only lasted two hours.

When my father, the cheap bastard, bought her coffin at Costco, he also had

nerve to buy more golf balls.

Burning his little ball.

Don't get me started. Delaney, it was never level. That's why I'm suing the

contractor.

He's even trying to cash in on her debt.

So fucking typical.

A lawsuit would discourage shoddy workmanship.

Everyone, especially Topanga, knew it was never level.

Yeah, I know. It was an accident.

And yet... It was an act of parental terror.

Bernie practically threw her down the stairs. And I am sure, over time, her

sacrifice will only bring our family together.

If I did that,

I accidentally hurt or even harmed my own child, well,

I couldn't go on living.

Bernie, hey!

I just wanted to talk to you about the lotus.

Did you know it will grow even if planted in mud?

No shit.

And the muddier the mud, the more beautiful the flower?

And I, well... Here.

It's from my church.

The One Thought Movement.

My daughter died.

I have a business to run.

And you are talking to me about muddy fucking lotuses?

No, I...

I'm talking to you about... Sorry.

Dave?

Is that you?

Hello, Daddy.

Oh, dear Jesus.

Hope everything that's happened hasn't been too bad for business.

No.

Surprisingly, business is up.

I think it was the publicity.

So my death was a commercial?

Oh, God, no, Topanga. I tried to hang on, baby.

The necklace snapped and you, well... You know what happened.

I know.

But I'm not here to talk about old times, Daddy.

I'm here for your redemption.

My what?

I came back to tell you.

There's no earned income tax credits in heaven.

Are you saying there are taxes there?

Are you totally listening to me, Daddy?

I am listening. You are going to face strong opposition to this.

But you must be super steadfast in your resolve.

Your mother. You're talking about your mother.

I'm talking about charity and sacrifice.

It's your only path to salvation.

Salvation?

A minute ago it was redemption.

Topanga.

Am I going to hell?

You can only say that.

Give from your heart.

It's awesome.

It's no accident that you're holding this book in your hand.

Pan -experimentalism is your ticket to enlightenment.

Sometimes they change like guys.

Tragedy plus charity. You are one with destiny.

Be the lotus.

Be the lotus?

I am the lotus.

Mom has been so awful. I keep finding myself getting madder and madder. How

life be so random, so unfair?

Honey, this isn't the first time your father's canceled your credit card. But

happened at Kitson in front of everyone.

I hate him. He's rude.

I know.

But when you don't show up for your shift at the store... I am trying to

on my recovery, okay?

And to be perfectly honest, I can't even look at him.

All right.

I'll talk to him.

I love you. I love you too, sweetheart.

We need to talk.

Are we talking?

If this is about Rebecca, it is time she learned the value of a dollar. After

what you put her through, she could use a little retail therapy.

That is exactly what is wrong with this family.

Shopping? Think that's what the problem is?

Topanga's death was a wake -up call.

We are not rebuilding Tarzana.

Is that some sort of a joke?

No, but I've got one for you. Our lifestyle. It's a dirty joke. It's an

obscenity. Fern, we have worked hard.

I have sacrificed both personally and professionally, and I will not have you

call our life obscene.

What's all this?

Topanga's right.

Vandenhofer Industries is negative energy.

It's destroying our planet. We don't need them.

Honey, please, let's talk this over.

We'll work it out.

Do you have any idea how long it takes for one acre of rainforest to naturally

occur? Let me tell you what naturally occurs to me.

You don't suddenly stop selling the only $9 ,000 refrigerator we carry.

Well, no one was asking you.

Bernie!

I, Topanga Sue Pillage, being of sound mind and body, hereby direct that upon

death, the assets of the Topanga Sue Pillage Living Trust shall be

and the proceeds split between Greenpeace, Amnesty International, and

Oh, dear God.

That's it.

Except, of course, for her manifesto on saving Mother Earth.

Thank you.

Here are the revisions on those documents you asked me to do.

Good work.

Arbiter Pillage, hereby liquidate the Russell Ryan Pillage and Rebecca Zoe

Pillage Trust.

Proceeds to be donated to the One Thought Church of Glendale.

A bequest in the amount of 12 .5 million.

Jesus, herald Christ.

Mark Pillage, where are you?

Sorry. Shh, Alyssa.

Well, if it isn't little Buddha.

All right.

What's the goddamn emergency?

This is not fucking acceptable.

You went through our personal papers.

This is, well, even for you.

No? Lo is spending a work day off in the woods with a bunch of spiritual jack

-offs. Lo is joining a cult because your own family won't even speak to you. And

Lo is sacrificing our kids' future just to relieve your own guilt. I am one with

my karma.

I am one with my destiny.

I am your destiny.

Before you met me, you were nothing.

Small storefront on Van Nuys Boulevard.

I ran a respectable business. My money financed every new store.

My stardom brought in the customers. Stardom? I am not about to watch you

it all down the toilet.

In case you hadn't noticed, the company is called Bernie's Air Conditioning.

Bernie's, not has -beens. So I guess you don't have a thing in it, do you?

Of course I do.

I'm your partner.

Oh?

What makes you think that?

You think I enjoyed whoring myself with your goddamn washing machines?

I'm an Emmy -nominated actress. I was humiliated.

Well, I guess you should have thought of that when you invested in my company,

huh? You will never get away with this.

You call yourself respectable?

You couldn't even open Tartana.

Because Topanga burned it down.

I know.

That's why you killed it.

For the last time, I did not kill our daughter.

You listen to me, you little piece of shit. Our family's priorities are

fucked up. It is my spiritual calling to make things right. If I have to give

away every dollar we have.

But first, I'm going to meditate.

cleanse my soul.

Why don't you join us, Melissa?

I bet your soul is filthy.

We need to talk.

I don't know who he is anymore.

Giving money away.

Meditating. Practically a Buddhist.

Well, I'm really sorry about that, Alyssa.

And now he's cutting us out of the world.

Giving everything to some whack job church in Glendale. Wait a minute.

He's cutting us out of the will?

You didn't know?

You're getting half the business.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, that. Yeah, of course. Well, Bernie and I were, you know, very close.

But after he signs this paper.

I know.

Why, I don't know. I mean, what you're suggesting is very serious. I mean,

Bernie is my boss and cousin.

When I had my pig valve put in two years ago, he was there for me. He gave you

two months off with pay, so what does that make him, Tom Hanks?

It's the only way.

If we don't act, and act now, everything you, me, and the kids have, we're going

to end up in some cult leader's quarrel one day.

Jesus. Morris?

Oh, God.

Boy, I'm sorry about that. Look, there's something I got to tell you.

Something big.

You?

Okay.

Then you can tell me why Van Nuys has such lousy karma.

What? Van Nuys sales have been down every month for the last year.

Why?

The economy? Wrong.

Sales have been down because of you.

Before you can have positive energy, you need to have some energy to begin with.

And you've never done a single thing to show me that you've got the drive to

accomplish anything except getting laid and picking up a paycheck.

That's why Ben Eyes has bad karma.

Now, what'd you have to tell me that was so damn important?

Just that you're wrong about me, Bernie.

And one day soon, you're going to see just how wrong you are.

Hey, it's me.

What's going?

Hello?

Is someone there?

Topanga? Honey, is that you?

Topanga?

You! Shut up.

Morris?

Alyssa? Jesus Christ, I can smell your white diamonds from here.

For once in your life, would you shut the fuck up?

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Sorry. You bitch, you broke my fucking leg!

Listen, what the hell are you doing?

I was just trying to shut him up. I didn't mean to break his leg. What are

waiting for? Call 911.

Look at the mess you made.

I said I was sorry. I am. Do it!

Do it now!

Sorry about this, cousin.

Shoot him. Have we shot him yet? No.

What did we do instead? We broke his leg.

You don't have to be sarcastic. I said I was sorry. That's it. That's it, all

right? It's over.

No, Morris, please.

I need the staff in today.

I do.

We do. He's got goddamn duct tape on his leg. What burglar would do that?

All right, I'm calling an ambulance, and then I'm going in there, and I'm

begging for forgiveness.

I suggest you do the same.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

I need this to happen today.

Now, they can either find one dead appliance store manager in there, or

find two.

What's it going to be, Martin?

All right, all right, Alyssa. I mean, just get this over with, okay?

Oh, God!

Still think we should beg for forgiveness? No, no, I guess not.

Oh, Bernard.

What you did to Topanga was unforgivable.

Now giving all of our money away?

That was plain stupid.

Don't worry.

Where you're headed, they're going to need lots of air conditioning.

Did you not load this thing?

Darn it!

Think I left the bullets at home? Great.

Just great.

Now how are we supposed to do it?

Alyssa, what are you?

Alyssa, no.

Alyssa, no.

Alyssa, no.

God! Jesus, no!

Go on inside.

I'll go home and wait for the call.

How can you be like this?

I mean, so cold and cold. Oh, my God.

Have you killed people before?

Of course not.

What, do you think this is my idea of a fun night out on the town?

No. Of course not. I just... I'm sorry.

I just... I wasn't expecting to be like this. Oh, Morris.

It's okay.

Bernie's in a better place now.

His suffering has ended. Suffering? What suffering?

Right, my suffering has ended.

But he was totally losing it. I mean, you heard him.

He thought Topanga was in the store.

But did he deserve it?

I mean, to die.

What do I look like, a pope?

Call it karma, justice.

Whatever.

Tonight, things caught up with him.

When are things going to catch up with us?

They're not.

We're the good guys, remember?

We didn't do this for us.

We did it for the kids.

And not Jerry, the kids. Mikey.

Your cousin.

You hold on to that, Morris.

That's what I'm going to do.

I'm Rebecca, and I'm bulimic.

Hi, Rebecca.

Ding dong.

Snowballs and Twinkies. Oh, my.

Right now, I've got bags of them out in my car, and I was about to go on the I

hate my father diet.

In case you can't tell, I have issues.

He can keep the fucking credit cards.

The nerve.

First he kills my sister, then he wants me to go to work for him.

I can't even stand to be in the same room with him after what he did.

You shitting me?

Is everything okay?

Bullshit!

Bullshit! I mean, whoever did this is a goddamn animal. A business lowlife scum

of an asshole who deserves to have their chest cavity sliced open and their

insides ripped out. Children suffering an agony never before experienced by a

human being.

This is really good, I see.

Mom?

Oh, baby.

Detectives Ray Stoker and Pam Rudin.

LAPD robbery homicide.

Is there somewhere we can talk?

Of course.

The last time I saw Bernie.

Sorry, I just still can't believe it.

It's all so unreal.

So unfair.

Need a moment? No.

I have to be strong.

It was yesterday when we... I'm sorry.

We made love.

We're going to need samples from you.

Fingerprints, hair, blood.

Blood? My goodness.

Standard procedure.

Of course.

And I want to cooperate in any way that I can.

Was there anyone that had anything against your husband? Did he owe anyone

money? My husband, Bernie, is... one.

Most incredible man I've ever met.

A woman like me doesn't leave primetime for just anyone.

And now he's gone.

And I'm haunted by the words of Emily Dickinson.

Death is all we know of heaven.

And all we need of hell.

They think it was gang -related.

Oh, damn!

Don't start buttering the corn just yet. You've got trouble.

I lost an earring.

Oh, what the hell? Buy another one. Hey, get two.

Mom?

What are you guys doing?

Were you kissing?

No, of course not.

We were just discussing the case.

The police.

There is a vicious killer out there.

And they had better find him before he knocks over a bet by.

Or fries electronics.

Right. That would be terrible.

Honey, just give us a minute, okay?

Okay.

Now listen to me. I logged an earring the other night at the store.

What?

Jesus Christ, what the hell are we going to do?

Well, I can't do anything, but you can.

The Van Nuys manager visits the home office all the time, right?

Except that it's a crime scene.

So, as soon as the police finish their investigation, I'll mosey on over there

and give it a thorough once -over. But in the meantime... Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck!

Alyssa, we are in deep shit.

Morris, relax.

It's the LAPD.

That's like being investigated by a crossing guard.

Except at some point, they'll probably try to sell us narcotics.

God, I hope so.

Because I could use some right now.

Who wants donuts?

Us Weekly. And you know her.

This has been. Alyssa Rampart Pillage is a national treasure.

Like Mark Twain, Oprah.

So what's the story?

Husband of beloved TV star murdered at his appliance store.

Okay. Give me 500 words.

We'll run it in the where are they now page.

No!

To bring air conditioning to the people.

Not just hot people, but all people, regardless of how hot they are.

And to treat the customer as friends.

To profit not only from their dollars and interest and late payment fees,

but also from their friendship.

The mission statement of Bernie's Air Conditioning.

Hey, Morris.

George.

What's up?

Just trying to get a look -see.

Oh. You know, for background.

Get a sense of place.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I sure hope they catch him.

Them? Or him.

Or her. Or, you know, them. The killers. Or the killer.

Right.

I'll be right back.

Bernard Marion Pillage, being of sound mind, do hereby declare this instrument

to be my last will and testament.

And the kids are all taken care of with their trust funds.

And finally, my beloved Alyssa, upon my death, in addition to our community,

property, and investment, the love of my life shall receive 100 % ownership of

Bernie's Air Conditioning.

I'll be right back.

I'm so sorry.

You're sorry? Are you fucking kidding me?

Lower your voice. I don't give a shit.

My own cousin, Melissa.

My own flesh and blood. I killed him.

And for what?

Guess what? That also...

Wipes out any motive I might have had. I wonder what the police would think of

that.

I want to give you half.

Of everything.

The business.

The house.

My body and soul.

Well, you've already got my soul.

Throw in the body. No extra charge.

The truth is, Mark.

Your father's golf trophies.

Now that he's gone, I can't bear to look at them.

How are you doing?

Great.

Well, you know, still mourning.

Listen, I don't know if Dad mentioned it, but before he died, he and I talked

about me taking over Northridge.

Did you now?

Kind of.

So your father felt that you were management material.

Well... No.

Russell, I'm glad you brought this up.

Really?

Of course, we'd have to let Randy go, but who might have done the way of your

father's wishes?

Consider it done.

On the evening of the 7th, at about 2100 hours, your husband, Bernard Pillage,

was accosted by an unknown perpetrator, or perpetrators.

He was tied up, tortured, burglarized, and sadly, murdered.

You certainly are a lot more impressive than those detectives on TV.

And they stole money.

Yes, ma 'am. It was money they were after.

Your husband was a brave man to have endured so much suffering.

How much would you say?

On a scale of one to ten.

Well, enough to get the safe combo out of him.

So that's why they broke his leg.

Animals.

I know this isn't the best time.

But my niece wanted me to ask.

She's a really big fan.

My pleasure. Of course, of course.

There you go.

Beautiful photo.

Rebecca Russell.

Great news.

They've cracked the case.

It's about time. So who did it?

Well, that part they're still working on.

The police are goddamn idiots.

Someone was murdered.

But they don't care as long as they get their autographs and paychecks.

Rebecca.

What are you doing with my mom's earring?

My mom stole it.

I'm sorry.

In fact, are you okay?

I mean, it doesn't necessarily mean... I know exactly what it means, George.

George.

Well, maybe it's not your dad's blood.

It's his blood.

My mom killed him.

We need to call the police.

Rebecca.

Think about it.

If you call the police, you know what they're going to do?

They're going to start investigating you.

Why would they do that?

Simple. She's famous.

HMO nurse was canceled years ago.

There's no statute of limitations on celebrity.

What should I do, turn the other cheek?

I'm not saying they shouldn't be told.

I just don't think you should be the one to tell them.

You would do that for me?

What could I do without you?

No.

I'm not going to play anyone's wacky neighbor.

Because I'm not fucking wacky.

Listen, can we talk later? I've got someone here.

Okay.

So, George, right?

Alyssa Rampart -Pillard, you are the most beautiful and talented woman in all

show business.

Well, I have heard that on occasion.

I don't know if you know this, but I freelance for Us Weekly.

And I was thinking maybe you'd be interested in... That is so sweet.

Charming. And I do like Us. It's clever.

But I'm afraid I'm accustomed to working with, shall we say, more established

writers. Oh.

We celebrities are a stubborn bunch.

We like to do what we like to do, and we only like to do it with people who've

done it before.

I see.

There's something else I can help you with.

Well, I was wondering what you thought about the... What exactly am

I looking at?

I found that earring out there in the cleaning aisle.

Now, you can't really see it in the photo, but that's blood right on the

of his little mouth.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, perhaps you should share this with the police.

No.

That would only confuse them.

You're not a monster like everyone says you are.

widowed wife and a grieving mother with really, really bad luck.

But I do like your take.

I thought you might.

And if I grant you this interview, you will give me the earring.

So what do you say?

I say I love working with you, Ryder.

It's been two whole days.

Just wondering, did you go to the police?

Are they working on this?

Give me a call when you get a chance.

Or better yet, I'm going to come by.

Hey, hey, Rebecca.

Hey, all right, we've got in. Just right now, what's up?

Did you go to the police?

Yeah. They, uh, they're working on it. They seem really excited about the

evidence.

Well, why didn't you call?

Well, uh...

God, these cell phones are terrible.

Can you hear me? If you can hear me, we'll talk later, okay? Bye.

Cell phone?

That was no cell phone.

Miss George Apodaca did come in here and he gave us an earring.

We tested it twice.

No blood.

No blood?

How is that possible?

Let me ask you a question.

Where were you the night your father died?

Oh, no.

I get it.

You're taking her side because she's famous.

Didn't you say your father was, quote, dead to you? What, are you following me?

I didn't kill my father. My mother did.

And if you guys weren't so goddamn starstruck, you'd know that by now. Hey!

You watch your mouth, young lady. You'd be surprised what could come out of this

mouth.

Look, the earring that George gave you, did it have a happy face on it or a sad

face?

Rebecca?

That is a priceless collectible.

Put that plate down.

Sorry. Not where does it hurt.

I was nominated for that episode.

What is wrong with you?

What could possibly be wrong with me?

No, Rebecca, please.

That's mouth -to -mouth from season three.

That was irreplaceable. You know what was irreplaceable?

Daddy was irreplaceable.

Why are you saying that?

You know exactly why I'm saying that.

No. No, I don't.

Oh, really?

That was HMO for the holiday.

That was a two -parter. Now, you listen to me, young lady.

You better think long and hard before making any accusations.

I'm not scared of you, Mother.

Even if you did kill Daddy.

Maybe you should discuss this with Scott.

I don't need to talk to my shrink mother.

There's only one thing I need.

And do you know what that is?

Do you?

If it takes me the rest of my life, I am going to make you pay for what you've

done.

Mom?

Rebecca, what the fuck?

Obviously. The past few months have taken quite a toll on your sister.

Yes, is this Living in the Lights?

I'd like to make a reservation.

You're wrong.

She didn't do it.

She couldn't have.

Why else would she have put me in an eating disorder clinic?

Um, you have an eating disorder.

She locked me in here to shut me up.

Listen, blaming Mom won't bring back Topanga. And it won't bring back Dad

either. Okay.

The police ruled out Mom because their best evidence was the happy face

Only they didn't get that earring.

George switched them and gave them the sad face.

How did he get that?

I gave it to him.

I know. I am an idiot.

But listen, if Mom did this, she couldn't have done it alone.

Why not?

Because we're talking about Mom.

When was the last time she did anything without an audience?

Hello, everybody.

It's me, Alyssa Rampart Pillage, the cool queen of air conditioning. And I'd

like you to meet my new husband, Morris.

The polar prince of air conditioning.

We're here today with Bernie's Air Conditioning Elves to mark this historic

occasion. The groundbreaking of our newest store.

In Tarzana.

We've got a man up for the day.

It isn't you.

It's my mother.

You kids have to believe me.

There was an official investigation by the LAPD, and they found nothing.

Nothing.

Trust me.

After all, I am your mother.

I don't even know what we're doing here. She was starving herself, but that

didn't seem to matter to you. What was I supposed to do? Call 911 for takeout?

Is that a joke?

Actually, Russell, Mom is right.

She is?

She is our mother.

She's only saying she has our best interests at heart, and she always has.

That's right, honey.

Mom, we love you.

And I love your kids.

I'll admit I've been a little moody lately.

But it's Daddy.

Daddy is the one I'm really mad at.

Dad.

Think about it. First he cancels our credit cards. Which I begged him not to

Then he refused to rebuild Tarzana.

He was out of control.

He was out of his mind.

Not to mention what he did to Topanga.

You kids don't know the half of it.

Your father got exactly what he deserved.

What?

Not that anyone deserves that.

I can think of someone who does.

Okay, let's hold it right there.

We don't have to reinvent the wheel in one session.

Good work, everyone.

Shit, you're right.

She not only killed him, she's proud of it.

We can't trust the cops.

We have to make sure Justin... Served. Claim an eye for an eye.

Mom's not going to like that.

She's got her eyes done.

The company Christmas party is tonight, right?

Yeah. Well, we need to move fast. Give me your cell phone.

Doctor's office.

Yes, this is Alyssa Rampart -Pillage.

I'm going to be sending my son, Russell, for Rebecca.

That's right.

Well... It's always nice to talk to a fan.

Now go to the front desk.

Tell them you're here to pick me up.

So where to? We need evidence.

And the best place to start?

The home of a certain reporter.

I said he was into her, but I didn't know he was a freak.

Find that earring.

Face it, Russell, it's not here.

Fuck!

Time to move on to plan B.

You know, I don't know if I'm comfortable with that.

I just got the Northridge store.

If we don't do something, they're going to get away with it.

Is that what you want?

Of course not.

What? Then it's settled.

Years from now, we're going to remember this night, and we're going to honor it

as the night justice was served.

First Christmas without Bernie.

I don't know about you, but I still feel like shit about what we did. Oh,

Morris, give it a rest.

It's easy for you to say. We're not married to you.

What's that supposed to mean? Well, I just asked you how you treat your

husbands, and I want you to know I've taken measures because if anything

to me, then you're going down.

Morris, nothing's going to happen to you.

I love you.

Gonna be a wreck.

Oh, George.

Didn't know you were invited.

I wasn't.

Would you like to dance?

That depends.

Bring me anything.

How delightful.

So I gotta know.

Did you like the article?

Like it?

I practically fucked it.

Listen.

It's Morris as well on his way to drinking himself into a coma.

Why don't you stop by the house later for a nightclub?

Nightclub?

Sure, I could, uh... You know, I don't, uh, really drink.

What?

You be careful tonight, sugar.

What is it?

Is that about Bernie?

No, this is about you.

Well, look who it is.

The horror correspondent.

Rebecca, hi.

Heard about your little vacation.

How old are you?

I died a month ago.

About Alyssa.

Here you go, Santa.

To all of you special people who make Bernie's Air Conditioning a special

And as a thank you to all of you, we have a little Christmas surprise for

Morris.

Happy holiday.

Here you are, dear.

Coasters.

Okay, here we go.

This one's for you.

Oh, Santa.

You shouldn't have. You know me. I'm a giver.

Lift off.

Guess what, everybody?

We're slashing prices to the end of the year.

And all of Bernie's employees get an additional 10 % discount on all of your

holiday perks.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Why would you give me that?

I didn't.

We are lucky that I'm brilliant at improv. Otherwise, we'd have ourselves a

situation. You thought that was brilliant?

Morris, this is no time to critique my acting.

Honest to God.

Just stay out of my sight.

It's an emerald jag.

It's not here in 30 seconds. I will kill you.

Hey, Mom, need a lift?

Yeah.

Thank you, sweetheart.

I am so humiliated.

The nerve of him.

Giving me a murder weapon as a Christmas present.

That was the murder weapon?

That knife?

The detective said it was one like that.

Really? It wasn't in the police report.

Russell, this is not the way home.

Where exactly are you taking us?

Somewhere we can be alone.

And, you know, talk.

Of course.

If that's what you want.

Did you have someplace special in life?

Oh, yeah.

Is there far more?

Yeah, but it's still dark.

Nobody around for miles.

Then I'm glad I've got you to protect me.

Then it just might let you trim a tree.

Hello, Maura.

Okay,

Ruffalo.

Where the hell are you taking us?

Home.

when we lived here.

You really remember it.

Yeah.

Back when we were a family.

We still are a family.

You think so?

Of course.

This is Rebecca's idea.

She thinks you killed Dad.

And what do you think?

I think I hate this.

I hate that Topanga's dead. I hate that Dad is dead. And what I hate most of

all,

I'm afraid you did kill him. Listen.

No, I will not listen.

Ring! Fuck!

Rebecca, listen.

No more you listen.

Let's talk about your cousin.

My father.

The man who gave you work.

The man who took care of you your entire pathetic little life.

And how do you repay him?

You stab him in the heart.

The time has come for you to pay for your sins.

May God have mercy on your soul.

Morris?

Jesus, are you okay?

For fuck's sake, Morris, what the hell are you doing?

I've done some things.

Some difficult things for you and Rebecca.

Bullshit. Alyssa Rampart Pillage cares about one thing.

No, I'm your mother.

I can tell when you look at me that you think I'm full of shit.

And you know what?

You're right.

The acting, the career, the series, it's bullshit.

All of it.

The only real thing I've ever created in my whole life is your kids.

I care about you more than life itself.

So if you're going to kill me, go ahead and do it.

Oh, Jesus, Mom.

You are unbelievable.

I'm not going to kill you.

You're probably the only person left in the family who's not a killer.

Hey, did the eagle land?

Yeah, it landed.

I was about to clip its wings, but then it hit some turbulence.

Turbulence? Rebecca, what the hell are you talking about?

Is he dead or not?

Oh, he's dead, all right.

So what's the problem?

The problem is the eagle had a fucking heart attack.

And how do you frame a vulture for giving an eagle a heart attack?

Unless... Mom!

Mom, no!

Come on, shit!

What's going on?

Mom fucking left me here.

I'll call you back.

Lisa?

What did you do now?

And you?

You're married to an incredible woman.

Then what do you do? You set her up?

Guess she showed you how she feels about traitors.

Huh.

So what happened?

Tucker had a heart attack.

I guess his pig valve must have blown a gasket.

Jesus, Morris can't even get killed right.

So I gave him a couple of jabs, made it look like she did it.

You think that'll work?

It has to.

Morris got what he had coming.

And as for Mom, she's about to get hurt too.

Evening, son.

Where are you headed in such a hurry?

Nowhere.

Just, uh, home, home. I was out and, uh, you know, I'm down.

I'm going home.

You been drinking?

Drugging?

All right, driver's license and registration.

Maura?

Maura?

Your car's here.

Are you home?

Let's try and slow it down a bit next time, son. Yes, sir.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a second.

Open the fucking trunk.

Hi. What in God's name happened?

I went back to the house that you told me to, and I found him.

I cleaned everything up for you.

And then it all went to hell.

I got pulled over for speeding, and then Morris got a call on his cell phone,

and here we are.

On his cell phone?

I'm sorry.

Look, George, I don't know what you're talking about.

You don't have to cover for me.

It's okay.

And I figure in 15, 20 years with good behavior, I'll be out and I can pick up

right where we left off. You're an attractive young man. And we're talking

prison. I don't think you want to be the belle of that ball.

I want to do this.

I see it as the ultimate way to prove my love.

Oh, you poor, dear, sweet, stupid boy.

Now, I'm only going to say this once.

Yes, I was mad at Morris. I was angry, period.

But I didn't kill him.

Yeah, just like you didn't kill Bernie.

Right. But you did kill Bernie, didn't you? I didn't kill Bernie.

Or Morris.

Or anyone.

Wow.

You really were robbed of that award.

Some people thought that Dee Wallace deserved it again.

But not me. George, are you out of your mind?

Under no circumstances did Dee fucking Wallace deserve that actress that year.

What do you think of the Morris that hurt me? I don't know.

But I'm not the one sitting here in an orange jumpsuit.

You don't actually think that I killed him, do you?

Please.

I just need to hear you say it, okay?

Make my sacrifice worthy of you.

Just tell me that you killed one of them. Either one.

It doesn't matter. Please.

Okay, George, that's it.

Good luck.

You're gonna need it. What? No!

No! Kill her, woman! Kill her! You killed both of us! Kill her!

No! Just give me one more chance.

I'm close.

I'm really close. I can feel it. I can... I can... I know I can get her to

crack. I know I can. Let me wear the wire again. Please.

Sure, buddy. You got her on the run.

Dear Dave, if you're reading this, I'm dead.

Probably at the hands of Alyssa.

Which is why I am giving you this key.

concerned about the stores.

They're your father's legacy.

And they're your future.

So I make your deal. No deal.

Squirm all you want.

You're being brought to justice.

Honey, this is not about justice.

It's about PR.

I want you and Russell to have the business.

Free and clear.

All I ask for in return is the house.

And your public support.

You think having us in court acting all concerned is going to make you look

innocent? Honey, I was on network television for years. Looking innocent,

handle. No deal.

But maybe in prison they'll let you put on a show.

No, I didn't want to have to bring this up.

But I went to visit George the other day for the funeral.

That's nice.

Turns out he didn't kill Morris.

But I think we both know who did.

So, sweetie, it's not a matter of you kids supporting me, but of all of us

putting on a united front as a family.

You are un -fucking -believable.

Do we have a deal?

Tonight, the private world of TV icon Alyssa Rampart -Pillage. I'm Lawrence

Arian. I'm sitting here with Russell and Rebecca Pillage.

Thank you for having me in your home.

Thank you.

Alyssa Rampart Pillage is one of the all -time greats, and she happens to be

your mother.

So, what's it like to see your mother accused of killing your father?

Kind of sucks, Lawrence.

And yet you stand behind her.

You do support her, right?

She's a complicated woman, but yeah, she will always be our mother.

And she will always be America's HMO nurse.

In a word, liberating.

Hi, I'm Rebecca Pillage, the super chill princess of cool.

Hey folks, I'm Russell Pillage, the crown prince of cool. From this day on,

Bernie's air conditioning will be 100 % green.

Now all our appliances feature the Energy Star seal. And we're donating 10

our profits to a very important cause.

Saving the rainforest.

So come out to our newest store.

In Tarzana!

Cut!

That's a wrap.

You guys are naturals.

I feel like such a tool.

Welcome to the wonderful world of retail.

I know I'm supposed to keep my distance.

But I just had to see my baby.

And I want you to know, I am so very, very proud of you.

Now, as we agreed, I'll go.

Goodbye, my darlings.

Mom, wait.

Why don't you stay?

And Alyssa Rampart Pillage for Why Don't You Stay? The Alyssa Rampart Pillage

Story. And the winner is... Alyssa Rampart

Pillage for Why Don't You Stay? The Alyssa Rampart Pillage Story.

This is Alyssa's first win and fourth nomination.

Never, never did I dream of taking one of these home.

Thank you.

Thank you to the Academy and to so many people. Maria De La Torre, who played

Rebecca with such sincerity and heart.

And to Tyler Shane Donovan, who played Russell.

To win this award for my own life story.

Well, it just makes me proud.

Proud to be an actress.

Proud to be a mother.

Proud that I love too much.

And I'd also like to... And I'd also like to thank you for doing that.

My baby, Rebecca and Russell, and my darling, Topanga.

I wish you could be here to see them.

For they are my inspiration.

Not just for this story, but for my life.

So our first day is like major entrepreneurs.

What do you think?

I think the old man would be proud.

Really? Now we opened Tarzan under budget, went green, and exceeded all of

sales goals.

Yeah, but Mom.

Mom is Mom.

There's nothing we can do about it.

I guess no one knew that better than Dad.

Come in the bed.

Emily.