Original subtitles

- Clear! - Clear!

Who's ready for Earth World?!

Moms, I can't find my cross-body bag!

Where's my cross-body bag?

Stop saying "cross-body bag."

On you, it's a fanny pack up higher.

Space Beth, you're driving.

I'm low on wanting to drive.

Would one of you mind making me a quick sandwich?

You know theme park food gives me interesting stools.

Read the room.

We're not going. Look at us.

No, you got to come.

It's an absolute train wreck.

This dude, he's never been to Earth, but he loves it,

and he sucks at making theme parks.

- We said fucking no! - We said fucking no!

Alright. Fine.

But nobody wants to see a Beths adventure.

I thought cloning was supposed to make us happy.

I hate my life.

And I know you have to hate yours.

- Hey! - Sorry.

I started drinking in the car.

Why are we miserable? It's not Jerry.

Yeah, it could be worse.

I mean, we could have married Pep Rosenfeld.

Oh, my God. I forgot about him.

Oh, he died in that thing, right?

9-11, yeah.

We can't just put it all on Dad, right?

We're done with that guy.

"I had a bad dad."

Shut up. Write a book about it.

I'm just so tired of all the shit we have to do to live.

You abandoned all your shit.

There is so much more shit in space!

When was the last time we were happy?

Truly happy?

Felt pretty good when we were kids.

Oh, my God, I wish I could be young again.

That kind of wish never goes the way you want.

That being said...

Why do you have a de-aging machine?

When I'm bringing in bounties, I change 'em into kids.

This car fits ten kids if you pack 'em right.

Sounds efficient.

Is that... worth dealing with ten kids?

Oh, no, I drug them too.

Wait, will my clothes be super huge or--

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Technology this advanced is indistinguishable from magic.

- Whoa! - Whoa!

My face... My skin!

I can see everything!

My mouth tastes so clean!

Whoa, my knuckles work!

No pain!

You look like shit.

Wait, no! Come back here!

Get ready. Earth World is a mess.

No creative consistency.

Last time I was here, they had a whole ride

dedicated to Pol Pot.

There's a non-zero chance you'll lose an eye.

Oh, that wasn't the vibe I got from the waivers.

- Waivers? - Yeah, from the website.

Website?!

Welcome to Earth World! It's me, Dr. Dogballs!

What the hell?!

I love Earth so much I made a theme park,

just like they would on Earth!

Oh. Yeah.

Wow, I guess this does seem like it sucks.

Good one, Grandpa. You still like stuff ironically?

No, it used to be bad bad, which was good.

There used to be a ride called "It's a Small Black Death"!

Looks like they've just got a regular GAP.

Rick, were you just drunk when you were here?

I'm drunk now!

Where's all the rusty nails?

Where's the Herpes Family Flume?

- Light-up corn dog? - Get the fuck away from me!

Can't wait to get a photo taken with... Marie Curie?

I think that's John Legend?

Maybe they picked John Legend

'cause his name implies he's really important.

Rick, how were you thinking we should enjoy this?

Wow, they have a Hall of Presidential Pets?

- Like that? - Do you think I can meet Socks?

I'm not gonna shit on it too hard 'cause I know you'd punish me,

but isn't this just a mid-'90s outdoor mall?

- Oh! - My bad!

Oh, my God!

You're a real Earth person, aren't you?

- From Earth?! - Yeah.

I'm, like, starstruck.

A real human!

Ooh, you smell nasty.

- Oh. I mean, is that good? - Absolutely.

Well, it's nice to see something in this park

still grimy and real.

Then I'm as nasty as they come.

Can you believe my grandpa loves this place?

Lame.

Beth! Where'd you go? Beth?

Beth, I want you to have fun,

but I need to know where you're having it.

- I found a possum! - Oh, my God!

No! I don't wanna be old!

You're in so much pain, and you don't even know it!

- Oh, my God. - I'm sorry.

I forgot just how insane we were as a kid.

- I shouldn't have pitched this. - You have got to try it.

I'm over here!

Okay, sweetie, this is your two-minute warning.

It's almost time to switch back.

You got to find me first!

Too slow! Try again!

Alright, let's go. That's enough. I'm serious.

Alright, Beth.

Surprise! You done been got!

Do it.

That bathroom was a ride too?!

I had my pants down and everything!

- I really do need to go. - Just go in a bush.

I swear it used to be funnier than this.

Don't turn around. I'm squatting.

Hey, you can't go... there like that.

You used to be able to piss wherever you wanted to.

Like on Earth.

Grandpa Rick, take the L.

Let's get Morty and go home.

Yeah, this place is fucked.

Corporate takeover. Board-approved changes.

Steve Jobs dies, and we get ten years of the same iPhone.

Oh, no, the guy who made the park is still alive.

- He is? - Yeah.

Rumor is, he still lives here.

Down in the tunnels.

Hey, Sum-Sum, You like breaking rules.

Ooh, did you bring molly?

Hurry it up, Jerry!

It's your fault I have to go like this.

You destroyed my urethra when you turned me into a trash can.

Follow me.

And of course I brought molly.

If you're just joining us tonight, we have a--

Oh, my God. It exploded.

Oh, God. All those astronauts.

It's worse than any explosion before it!

This is hilarious.

Hey, yo. Check this out.

Awesome. No adult is getting inside.

Also, don't sit on that chair.

The cushion is knives.

Somebody's got to sit on it!

Gene should sit on it.

- Bam! - Nice!

Hey there, girls.

I'm guessing one of you is Beth from next door,

and one of you is her... clone,

but you're both little girls now?

Not that strange, given what I've seen.

What are you, a scientist?

Come sit in our chair.

Well, based on the design of your makeshift harpoon,

seems like you girls are on a bit of a spree.

Feel like I'm gonna be walking into some booby traps.

Let's have some cocoa instead.

- "Let's have some cocoa." - "I'm divorced."

Hey! That is cruel and technically untrue.

But you're in an altered headspace, so I know you don't mean it.

Why don't you two sit tight? I'll get the Swiss Miss.

- Let's go. - Go where?

Go hunt him. Unless you're scared.

I'm not scared of anything.

Let's get in the walls.

Wow, this is a good photo of us.

Keep talking. I can smell your rotting breakfast.

- Oh, God. - Your hairs are insane.

They're all over your body.

Can I touch them? Say a human phrase.

Say "grocery list" in that stinkbody accent.

You mean my voice?

- Yes! - "Grocery list."

I love your tooth-filled big hole

and the other less-used holes on your face.

Okay...

I'm getting the feeling that you're not into me

as much as you like the idea of being with any human.

Does it matter if I'm still turned on?

No, I guess it doesn't.

I want to get your wet muscle in my mouth.

You mean my tongue?

I don't care what it's called.

Rick, I know you're having a bad time,

but I think I saw a Panera up there that might change your tune.

- A Panera?! - Yeah!

- Shut up. - Is that Kevin Costner?

Wait, why do I know that?

Did Father make new models?

I don't recognize you three.

No, I'm... Old Guy Fieri,

this is Princess Diana,

and he's Mr. Rogers.

Or Brett Kavanaugh.

I wouldn't know. I never left this park.

Us too. We're looking for Dogballs.

He lives below.

Dr. Dogballs. My man!

Humans! Real humans!

The mad genius who built Earth World!

Nobody loves Earth as much as me.

Car, Muscle Beach, property taxes.

But before I could complete my perfect vision,

I was caught with incriminating files on my computer,

and the board chained me up.

I watch animal pornography.

It's my business.

Like with people and animals?

No, just the animals, sicko.

The original Earth World was incredible.

I got strep from a candy once!

Of course you feel that way. You're a human being.

You know what Earth theme parks are supposed to be like.

I'd take you to the dead zone if I could

and show you some of the old delights.

But they won't let me leave my office.

They won't, but I will.

Welcome to the real Earth World!

I guess this is closer to how I remember it.

Oh! I stepped on a rusty nail!

At least Jerry got hurt.

Hot cocoa with extra marshmallows!

Hope you got room for extra marshmallows!

Look at him holding marshmallows over our heads.

Like that's some kind of power.

I do like marshmallows.

He doesn't decide about our marshmallows!

You should go up there and cut him.

You should cut him.

What should we cut?

I don't know. Just start slashing!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

My ankles! I need a doctor!

Great. Now we have to take care of him.

I don't want to take care of anybody!

- You take care of him! - It was your idea!

- Not it! Jinx! - Not it! Jinx!

- I think you hit an artery! - She did it! She's a psycho.

- You're the psycho! - I watched you eat a bird!

After you tore off its wings!

I'll show you who's psycho!!

Yeah, run away, you baby!

Remember your affirmations, Gene.

You deserve to live.

Oh.

Well, somehow every decision I've ever made has led to this.

Get out of my tree house!

Get out of my yard!

Fire detected. Extinguishing.

Come on, Gene. Not like this.

Not like this!

Hey, Siri, call 911!

Countdown to calling 911.

Calling 911 in 10, 9, 8, 7--

Why does it need a countdown?!

Earth's World War II was fought with combines and harvesters,

and you're about to witness it firsthand.

Oh, God, is that a live wire?

None of the electricity is grounded here.

Shit.

I got to get home before Gene calls 911

from any other phone but his own.

The head thing so you can get out the way you came.

Wait, you're leaving? I thought you loved this place.

Yeah, I don't know.

I guess Morty was right.

Am I, like, supposed to think it's cool

that there's measles in the water and, like, snakes?

Nah. You guys have fun.

Oh, shit!

We're done here, boys.

Rick, your girls.

They're not good people.

Thank... you.

I've only been gone for two hours!

Hey, Beths!

Deducing here that you've been huffing childhood

and have overdosed on fun.

Ouch.

- I'm gonna kill you! - Well, I'm gonna kill you first!

Ow! Damn it!

That's it. We're done.

You dick!

Enough Home Alone-ing.

Goddamn it!

I cloned you to fix this, not make you twice as annoying.

Oh, I can't tell you. Oh, my God!

I've waited so long for someone to see my vision.

And of course it was real humans!

You're the perfect audience for this.

My finest moment.

Oh, shit. What's that?

My beautiful creations.

They're going to destroy the park.

Oh, God.

I thought they were people in costumes,

but the costumes are the people?

The people are the costumes?!

All Earth theme parks end the same way.

Jurassic Park, Westworld,

even the rides inside the theme parks

tell the same story.

You're on a boat ride

when suddenly you take a detour to a waterfall,

and now you're in a pirate's den,

forced to suck dick to stay alive!

Why would you do this?

The greatest tribute to Earth

is a theme park that ends in chaos.

Be free! Be free, my lovelies!

Hungry for meat.

Eat meat!

Take it all!

- Take the other one! - Shit! Dad!

Take it! Take it all!

Blend in. Stumble around!

Yeah, you like that? Labradoodle.

- Uh-huh. - Coconut milk.

More human stuff.

Big League Chew.

Ooh! Say something racist.

- What? - C'mon, you're human,

it's your whole thing.

Italians make pretty good pizza?

No, do it hateful, you disgusting little bug.

Did you hear that?

Now you're pretending there's some kind of emergency?

I tried to be vulnerable with you.

If you don't think I'm pretty, just say so.

I'm sorry, but I'm not just some sexual fantasy,

I'm a whole person.

Come on! You guys basically invented racism.

If I wanted to fuck something good,

I wouldn't have come to Earth World.

I don't even know who this is!

It's John Legend, I think! Oh, my God!

Summer? Rick? Anyone?!

That's the entire Culkin family!

I guess there's seven of them?

I loved you in Succession! I'm sorry!

Enough kindergarten. I don't have time to be your dad.

- You never did! - You want me to be a parent?

Fine. No more talking until you're adults.

Okay, whichever one you are, you're up.

She can't breathe! She can't breathe!

Oh, shit, fuck!

Take that!

How old should we make him?

As old as it'll go.

Bet it's scary to have your life in the hands

of unreliable caregivers!

Walk! We're not taking care of you!

Yeah, get up, or we'll leave you here!

Just like you left us. Lazy piece of shit!

- Fuck you, Dad! - Fucking asshole!

You didn't want us. You just wanted to fuck off.

I didn't leave.

My Beth died.

Yeah, well, someone left us!

And there's two of us now!

You should love us twice as much!

- All we wanted was to be together! - All we wanted was to be together!

Don't you... cry!

You don't deserve to cry!

Proud...

Proud?

Proud... of you...

for making me old and beating the shit out of me.

Proud you're... you're both my daughters.

You little bitches broke my bones.

I'm shitting!

I'm not joking.

Stop making me laugh.

It's making me shit more!

- It's perfect! - It's perfect!

The only thing that could make this better

is if something was on fire.

I might stab something again.

Probably should turn you back.

Do most kids like to stab this much?

There's the exit. Stay close.

Please help!

Oh, thank God!

How could you--

Oh, shit, Morty's killing...

I think that's Rory Culkin?

Is that who this one is!?

We gotta bail. Get a head.

- What? - Put on Rory!

There's no room!

It's so wet in here.

It smells too. It smells wet.

They're coming!

Come on!

- Come on, get in! - Where's the remote?

I lost the remote! I can't shrink our heads!

Give me the keys!

More like Earth World.

- What? - Like Jurassic World.

- The big sequel? - I don't know what you're saying.

Wasn't it called Earth Park?

- No! - No!

Oh.

Is anybody getting cold?

I'm blind! Space froze my eyes!

Yeah, Jerry. I told you, that theme park sucks!

Hello. You've reached 911.

If this is an emergency, please leave a message.

The house across the street from me keeps disappearing and reappearing.

I don't know if that's an emergency,

but it's really upsetting.

Could you send someone to investigate?

So, I was eating a burger and now my hands are burgers.

Hi. I'm being home-invaded, and it's by a small home.

There's a small home that's home-invading my home.

It's wearing a ski mask, but it's definitely a house.

There's a pigeon outside my house

demanding to see my birth certificate.

I'm beginning to think 911 shouldn't have

an answering machine.

Also, I have 11 legs now.

Nobody ever comes.

Did you get any of that?