Original subtitles

I'll be free when you want me. I'll be ready.

I'll be free when you want me. I'll be ready.

You know I like you.

I'll be free when you want me. I'll be ready.

I'll be free when you want me. I'll be free.

You know I'm right for you.

I'll be free.

I'll be free.

Why did I

spell

my computer?

Why would you use your own?

Because I don't have Wi -Fi in my room.

I want to buy wireless, but you told me to fuck off or pay for it myself because

you're already stealing the signal from upstairs.

Not my fault you wanted a loft that doesn't get a signal.

You're a jerk, man.

Dickface.

Can't believe you never thought about doing this.

I've never even heard of online one -nighters .com.

Seems a little weird to me.

Not too weird for Stephanie, apparently.

You're just mad that she's moved on.

She hasn't moved on.

She's just trying to make me jealous.

It's so not working.

Why? Did she say something?

Maybe. Well, what?

I hate you.

Alright, I posted my ad under miscellaneous encounters. You post your

I don't know, man.

Maybe I'll try calling Maddie again.

Why? Okay, okay.

So what am I supposed to write?

I don't know what to say.

Write something.

I can't think of anything, man. I'm blocked.

Hey, what did you write?

Fuck rush.

Why are you yelling?

Sorry, man.

You're just like a four -year -old. You know that? You're just like a four -year

-old. I said I'm sorry.

Be yourself.

Alright, whatever you think a girl will respond to.

Hurry the fuck up.

Get out of my room.

Pass your bedtime, you fucking toddler.

I didn't even get to audition.

Captain and director said I looked nothing like my headshot.

Then she told me to leave.

Really? Yeah, so she told me to go home.

Yeah, you definitely could use some new headshots.

Why don't you try on that blue blouse? It makes you look kind of frumpy.

And believe me, you definitely don't look frumpy.

You have to get what you pay for.

Josie's drummer took him for free, so I couldn't just... Josie was your lover in

Seattle? Is.

Was. I don't know.

Still figuring it out?

Still looking for the right girl.

Or guy.

That's right.

You like guys, too.

If they're worthy.

And how do you know when a guy's worthy?

I just know.

All right.

Sit up straight.

Chin up.

Bite down, but keep your lips partially open.

I love Josie, but I felt so suffocated.

Doesn't have to be that way.

Easy for you to say, Mr. Open Relationship.

Perfect.

I don't think I'd be able to be with someone special knowing that they were

sleeping with someone else.

I don't blame her, though.

Rick is pretty hot.

I knew she went camping with him, but is she sleeping with Rick now?

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I thought you already knew.

No.

I didn't.

But it doesn't surprise me.

Lacey's special.

I don't want to hold her back.

She can sleep with anyone she wants.

And you?

Same deal.

I can too You think I'm worthy?

Let's find out

Still think I'm worthy?

Make sure you get those measurements perfect.

Oh, please, honey. I'm so tall on with inches and feet. I don't even need a

measuring tape.

Gray or blue?

Oh. Oh, my God. Somebody call the Bronx Zoo and tell them that I found their

missing rhino.

Whatever, Jeffrey.

You've measured the last five male models.

Fair's fair. I'm going to finish this one, and you run along and go and pack

those boxes of fabric that you ordered.

Do you realize that I'm wearing Roberto's premium denim?

If there's even one more hole than Roberto planned there to be, you'll be

walking the streets of the meatpacking district to pay for them.

Gray or blue?

Not my fault that you bought jeans two sizes too small.

All this pressure from the spring collection is making you retain water.

Relax, you look fine.

Anyway, I'll have you know, I never work the meatpacking district.

I am strictly a Times Square gal.

Right, sugar?

Gray or blue?

Oh, for Christ's sakes, gray. You know it's the new black.

Just because you gained a little weight doesn't give you the right to snap at

me, sister.

I'm taking a smoke break.

You don't smoke.

So what?

There's too much estrogen in here for even the view to handle.

Do it in.

Are you the handyman?

Why, yes, ma 'am. I heard it's an extra hard job, so I made sure to bring my

biggest tools.

Well, yeah, I did say you were well -equipped.

Follow me.

Let me show you what needs some attention.

I've got this plumbing problem.

The water turns on, but I can't seem to make it hot.

I can't believe this.

What's that?

Can't believe you're having this problem.

Terrible. But, uh, plumbing is my specialty.

So, you know how to make it hot, then?

Oh, yeah.

Oops, you dropped your tool belt.

Thank you, God.

Fuck me.

On the kitchen table.

Fuck you.

Fuck

me

on the counter.

That was good.

It's amazing.

It's hot.

Nailed it!

Hammered it home!

What? Yeah!

Woo!

Gripped it.

Tightened it.

Plunged it.

Put my snake in the drain.

Who? Are you talking about your internet date?

OnlineOneNighters .com.

It was amazing.

She was amazing.

Really? Yeah. I propose a toast to a new era and a new slogan for us.

Miscellaneous Encounters.

Yeah, I'm not quite encountering yet.

I haven't received one response to my ad.

Not one?

Not one. Damn.

What'd your ad say?

Exactly what you told me to write.

What did I tell you to write?

Just be yourself and write whatever a girl would respond to.

Are you kidding me?

I was joking.

I was shit -faced, you dumbass.

Yeah, she wrote that you like comic book conventions, reading anime and baseball

games.

So what? I do like those things. And you sign it, just looking for love.

What? I thought women liked romance.

Not the ones on online one -nighters .com, you idiot. Shut up, dick.

Women want fantasy.

Just read the one that I wrote.

Single, self -employed male who loves to role -play as a daytime handyman in

order to fulfill the needs of like -minded, beautiful women. Wow, bullshit.

Women who want one -night stands don't want to know anything real about you.

Like how Stephanie didn't want to know anything about you after your one night

stand?

Low blow, my friend.

But I'm still going to help you out.

Because you're a toddler in the ways of the world.

Take one of my responses.

Tell her to meet you at Dukin's.

Don't blow it.

Oh, and tell her to wear a red t -shirt.

So you can assess her hotness from across the room.

Okay.

What the hell is this?

This is a nightmare.

Oh, hey.

That's where you're going.

It hurt someone with a gun.

What did you say?

Uh, nothing. Just be careful, will you? That's not what you said, asshole.

How would you like the entire Midtown Women's Firefighter softball team to

your ass?

I hate softball.

Oh, sorry.

No, my apologies.

Is that a red shirt underneath your jacket?

Uh, depends.

On what?

Do you play softball?

I hate softball.

Alright.

Semper Fidelis Fidelibus Amoribus.

Always faithful to you, my love.

Anyone I know?

Nope. I just like the way it sounds.

Beautiful.

My father made me take Latin in high school.

The one thing he gave me.

We haven't talked since you've been back.

How'd the shoot with Jason go?

It's your second one, right?

It was alright.

It's all right.

He said it went extremely well.

He never says that.

Really?

Say anything else?

That your head shots were fabulous, that you're a natural in front of the

camera, and that you should model for us some more.

Are you interested?

In modeling for me?

Um... Maybe.

Mind if I think about it?

No pressure.

Is there anything you want to talk about?

No, I'm actually pretty beat.

But, um, thanks for the nightcap.

Night. Night.

Always faithful to you, Milla.

Hey, dude.

Boom, bam, pow, shot the locker.

Boom, bang.

Looks like the red team made it home safely.

Yes, we did thank you very much.

Cody, me, Nina, and Nina, this is Cody.

But your dad said your name was Cody.

Yeah, I mean, we're both Cody. Both named Cody?

Yeah.

Right. But I'm not surprised.

Wouldn't use my real name online either.

You've had misleading encounters before?

No way.

I just want to see what kind of guy would write a cheesy porno line like

and expect it to work.

It did work.

Let me guess.

You're the real Cody, and you're the nice best friend who needs help getting

laid.

Yep, that would be me, Russ.

Well, Russ, here we are.

How about you show me the way to your bedroom?

And skip the tool belt.

I thought they had a TV.

Why'd you come home with me?

Because you're cute.

Well, shut up.

Take off your shirt.

Like that? Take it off.

Make your shoes have to go.

These have to go.

Hop on.

No.

Thank you.

Then do I have something to show you?

Come here.

How do you like that?

Keep hugging.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I can't.

Oh, wait.

Okay, now.

Best blind date ever.

All right.

OnlineOneNighter .com. It was amazing.