Original subtitles

Meet the gang cause the boys are here. The boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way. To raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes old and new. With us about you and Bill

So meet the gang cause the boys are here. The boys to entertain you.

Three, two.

B -O -Y -S, boys, to entertain you!

And no one knows Who is the handsome hero

Some villain always frames But who cares if there's a plot or

not When you've got a lot of dames What do you go for?

You can't recall their names They don't do use But they're depressing And home

addresses linger in your memory like those beautiful days

Oh, dear. We're not going to start that again, are we?

Round the pan, everybody. Come on. Are you ready? One, two.

700, 800, 900, 1000, 10, 20, 30, 1, 2.

How are you getting on, Erfurt?

I've nearly finished, sir. It's difficult with all that noise.

Let me stop them, sir.

I could take them away and give them silent PT.

Outside the cab, sir. You wouldn't hear them.

Let them carry on, sir.

It beats me why they want to rehearse, sir. They start for home in a few hours.

Trust me, they liked dressing up as girls.

It isn't bad. Bombardier Beaumont wants to have a show ready for when we're on

the boat.

After all, it's a five -week journey back to England.

Chaps can get a bit bored, you know.

I don't think it's wise to give all that money, sir.

It's a heavy.

Out here in the jungle, they've only been drawing about five rupees a week.

Now they're going home, they want the rest, and they're quite entitled to have

it.

It's my experience of soldiers, sir, that once they get some money, they

threaten it away.

on drink and women.

Now, this lot being poofs.

Now, Jess leaves the drink.

With respect, sir, we could be turning them into alcoholics.

Oh, Jess, I've lost count.

Colonel Randolph, I'm ready to give your chaps their inoculations, TAB and

cholera booster.

Good. Get them on parade, sir. Right, get on parade! Come on, come on, come

Start still, start still!

Pay attention!

You will parade with...

AB64s, and unless your inauguration is duly stamped inside your AB64s, you will

not get on that boat, so I don't want no protest nor excuses for that.

We don't mind a bit, Sergeant Major, honestly.

We're going to be ever so brave.

Just as long as we get on that boat, you can use me as a pincushion.

Don't let them put me in first. They're always shoving me in the front because

I'm little.

I'm fed up with it.

Yeah, fellas, can we let Lofty go last just this once?

Thanks, Rory. That's all right.

I'm in such a good mood, you could ask me for anything.

Let me have you then! Move yourselves!

I'm sorry they've dressed up as tarts, sir.

That's all right.

I expect you would have preferred a lady doctor.

Still not to worry. I injected a platoon of Burmese gorillas last week and I'm

not a vet.

Right. Oh, dear.

Now then, as soon as you try your injections, you will step smartly up

country Nashwood, at the ordinary room table, and get your pay and credits.

Which arm do you want, Sergeant Major? Both of them.

Do we get a bar of chocolate, Sergeant Major?

Do we get a bar of chocolate, Sergeant Major?

No, you does not get a bar of chocolate.

Until you is demoted, you're supposed to be soldiers, and not the oval teenies.

963 rupees, add your pay book. Thank you, sir. Don't worry, it soon wears

We had ours a couple of days ago.

Just think, Carlton.

In a few hours, you'll be selling last cup of cha and saying goodbye to concert

party forever.

It is the saddest day of my life.

What will you do without British?

They cannot live without us. They like my Chinese cooking.

You are right. They like me because they like my cha. And they can shout at me

and call me rude name.

I think they'll send for us.

Oh, heavenly joy.

If I could live in England.

They could shout at me and call me rude names all day. It would be bliss.

Where are they going?

Four o 'clock.

Now listen, Afin.

I have bought beautiful goodbye presents for all concert party.

They're in village.

You come with me now and help me carry back, okay?

You got a present for me?

No, you ignorant cully.

You're not going nowhere.

That is gonna park him, sir.

May I ask you a personal question?

Speaking as a medical man, have you ever seen such a fine pair of shoulders?

A fine physical specimen, sir. Brave as a lion. Ow!

Sensitive with it.

That's your pay, boy.

Right, last one.

Sorry,

sir, we're out of cholera vaccine.

That's a bit of a blow. There should be another capital of bottles.

Only the one, sir.

It's cloudy and the top's faulty. Look.

Only that's a bit of a bind.

Colonel, I'm afraid we can't do this one. We're out of cholera.

Well, can't you take him to GHQ, give him a jab and bring him back again?

Well, in the first place, I'm not going back to GHQ.

And in the second place, I've got no vaccine there either.

But not to worry, they're flying some more in within the next couple of days.

Well, the truck will be leaving in a couple of hours. I'll miss the boat.

Oh, that's a bit hard, isn't it?

Never mind, there'll be another boat in a few weeks' time.

GHQ will get you on that, I'm sure.

You've nothing urgent to get home for, have you?

Anyway, I love you.

Safe journey home.

Bye, thank you.

Right, check. Stop!

Right, get yourselves back. You haven't got long to move yourselves.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Wipe the fear, baby dear, from your eyes.

I don't know what to say, Lofty.

I just don't know what to say.

Do you know what to say, fellas?

Look, can't we smuggle him aboard in one of the costume baskets?

He can't stay locked up in a basket for five weeks.

He'd get hungry.

We could feed him soup through a straw.

They might not have soup.

They might serve melon.

We could slosh it up and slosh it through the lid.

Supposing there was a shipwreck, though? He wouldn't be able to escape in time.

Houdini did.

Maybe we could forge his AB -64.

Make it look like ours does. What good would that be? When old shut -up and the

officers know that he hasn't been done.

Perhaps we could bribe him. Every man has his price.

I think that would be rather more than we can manage.

Even if we all chipped in with everything we've got.

Which, speaking for myself, I'm not prepared to do.

Well, the officers should do something about it.

I mean, that's what officers are for.

To do something.

Whatever gave you that idea?

Lofty being left behind on his own is a matter of supreme indifference to them.

Well, you don't seem that concerned either. I mean, you're not prepared to

in. Would you?

That's not the point.

I've got it, pal.

You're the great humanitarian, right? You stay with them, keep them company.

They wouldn't let me.

Anyway, Lofty wouldn't want you to do that.

Would you, Lofty?

I wouldn't mind.

Have you seen my silverback hairbrush?

No, sir, I haven't. I say, I hope some loose waller hasn't pinched it.

The truck's due any minute, sir.

You know, I should miss this old place, say I should.

Drinks together in the evening as the sun went down.

Swapping yarns by the light of the lamp.

You know, you're quite good company in your own self -effacing sort of way.

Thank you, sir.

I must say your cheerful optimism has kept me going no matter how gloomy

everything may have seemed at the time.

You've been, well, you've been a chum.

Oh, thanks, I should.

I hope we can get a cabin together on the boat. Yes, well, I don't know about

that.

I'm hardly likely to put a captain in with a colonel, but I'll try and swing

Thanks, sir.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry, sir.

I had it all the time.

Yes, but how often have I told you I do not like people using my hairbrush?

Oh, look, there's one of your hairs on it.

I'm sorry, sir.

Look, Ashford, there's one thing I have noticed about you during the year or two

we've been together, and that is your total lack of consideration for other

people's feelings.

You take everything too much for granted. You never say, can I this or

that. You just take it and use it.

My toothpaste, for instance.

You thought I wouldn't notice, didn't you? But I noticed, all right.

Squeeze the tube through the middle.

Very underhanded of you.

Oh, well, if we're trotting out home truths...

There's one thing about you that drives me absolutely round the bend.

It's the way you talk through your teeth with your pipe in your mouth. What are

you on about?

You're doing it now.

And then there's those disgusting little black wet bits you keep knocking out

all over the basher floor.

It's most unhygienic.

Don't be such a bloody old woman.

Oh, I'm an old woman now, am I? Would I ever coin a phrase, pot calling kettle

black?

Just one other thing you're forgetting, Ashford. Oh, yes, and what childish,

petty little idiosyncrasy you're going to drag up now.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Never mind, Lottie. I mean, you'll only be a couple of weeks behind us.

Four at the most.

That's not the point.

I won't be with you.

We've been together all this time, and I want you to be with me until the end.

And I won't be able to do the show on the boat.

That new number.

Dames. It's smashy. You in your lovely dresses and me and me tails.

What do we go for?

Go to a chauffeur.

We go to see those wonderful dames.

I'm going for a little walk.

That was so embarrassing.

Thank goodness he's gone.

You think that was embarrassing?

You imagine what it's going to be like when we line up and say goodbye to him

one by one.

Oh, I can't understand it. I'll break down.

I know I will.

Look at that.

He's got a heart.

Every New Year's Eve when they sing Auld Lang Syne, I break out into goose

pimples and have to go and hide in the toilet.

I'm no good at that sort of thing either.

When I got called up, I cried when I had to say goodbye to the parrot.

He kept saying hello, hello. I said, no, you buck, it's goodbye.

Cried like a baby.

Well, we're all softies.

Otherwise we wouldn't be in show business.

I mean, look at Nosher.

Even he's got a faraway look in his eyes.

I was just thinking, I wonder what the grub will be like on the boat.

I'm a real artiste.

There's a lot of clown in me.

I can laugh.

Even when I'm choking back the tears.

And more than that, I'm a very good actor.

So I shall say goodbye to Lofty on behalf of Thor.

What are you going to say?

I don't know. I'm trying to think.

I know.

I can do that speech that Charles Boyer did of Napoleon when he said farewell to

his troops.

Will it fit?

Well, I can change some of the French bits and I won't kiss him.

Sergeant Major, the truck's here.

Already?

Right, get them baskets on the truck. Move yourselves.

Turn around, sir. The truck's arrived.

What, already?

I haven't finished my packing. I hope so.

Well, I suppose we'd better get going. No point in hanging around.

Tell the men to load their kit. Sir, move yourselves!

Come on, move yourselves! Don't you want to get back to England or not?

Don't chuck my things in like that, Ashford! Have you no respect for other

people's property?

Don't you want to go home? Yes, of course I do, but don't want my things

about.

Don't pack that, I'm weary!

Here,

Noppy.

I wonder where the charwalla's gone.

He sloped off half an hour ago, Puffy. Oh, we can't leave without saying

to him. We can't wait here till he gets back.

I know what.

Give the money we collected to Lofty. I mean, he can get to the charwalla for

us. Lofty, would you give this to the charwalla and say goodbye for us?

Oh, all right, sir.

Are you off, then?

Yes, Lofty, we're off.

Well, Lofty, on behalf of Thor, I'd just like to say a few words. All in the

concert party!

Not you, not you!

Sergeant Major... Shut up!

It's got to shine!

Sergeant Major, we haven't said goodbye to Lofty yet.

Very well, then. Say goodbye to Lofty.

Goodbye, Lofty.

Left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left,

Did you forget something?

No.

I came back to say goodbye.

I thought you was cross with me.

What made you think that?

The way you pushed them out when they were trying to say goodbye to me.

I did that for your sake, Lofty boy.

I didn't want them puffs crying.

Getting sentimental over you.

I knew it would upset you.

Sometimes, Lofty, one has to be cruel to be kind.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Now, listen to me, Lofty.

I want you to be very brave.

And I know you can be.

I've seen you out on that stage, singing your little art out.

The audience chucking things.

But you've carried on.

And that's what I want you to do now.

With a brave smile and a cheerful heart.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Goodbye, Lofty.

Goodbye, Sergeant Major.

I shall miss you.

I've learned in this life that one doesn't get many of you to the pound.

Just one thing, Lofty.

You may be here for quite a few days.

Don't let this old place fall into a shambles.

Keep your basher tidy.

Keep your kit laid out.

Inspect yourself every morning.

Keep them stones whitewashed.

Duty calls.

This is very strange, Justin.

Where is everybody?

Hello? Hello?

They've gone.

The truck came one hour early.

Where have you been?

I have been to village. I have this beautiful present for all concert party.

It is my big surprise.

Oh, dear.

I cannot believe that they would go without saying goodbye to me.

Me, Mohammed the Chawala.

They said they were sorry to miss you and they left you this. It's 100 rupees.

Oh, it is too kind.

But rather I would say goodbye to them and give them the present.

What's that?

They come back?

Oh, they remembered me. Oh, heavenly joy.

There you are. Glad I caught you.

I've got your cholera booster.

I knew I had another bottle. That idiot Audley of mine put it in with a bunch of

bubonic. Well, roll your sleeve up. You'll be able to go after all.

I can't. They've gone half an hour ago.

We'll just have to find some way of catching them up.

Can you give me a lift on your jeep? I can't go chasing trucks halfway to

Rangoon. I've got urgent cases to see to.

Stop. I have idea.

Just park next village's garage.

There a man has taxi.

You hire a taxi, catch a truck.

What about all my gear?

I can't carry it all that way with my little legs.

Give it to me, sir. You and all my presents will go to boat by hooky or

Best thing to do is stop every three miles, let it cool down.

That's 150 miles, Sir Rangoon.

The boat leaves midday tomorrow.

At that rate, we won't get there till next week.

What's up? Excuse me, sir.

Do you have a penknife with little lever for getting that toad out of horse's

hoof? No.

I have gone lame, sir.

Wack. Put me down.

Did you hear that, sir?

Get a Parkinson's on it again. It's a garage.

Garages sell fan belts.

The boy is right, sir. Garages sell fan belts.

Go and see if anyone can help us. So.

Hey up, Johnny.

Shop.

Why are you waking me up?

Can you not read?

It is early closing day.

And now it's early opening day.

We want a fan belt, jolly.

Come back tomorrow.

What?

Please, be a darling. Wait a minute.

You are those jolly concert party boys.

You can have your fan belt.

Thank you.

That's more like it.

After you have done a show.

Have you gone off your flaming rocker? We're going to bolt the cat.

This is the opportunity sun from heaven.

I'm always telling my wife about you.

She has never seen you.

Now is her chance.

Now see here, Johnny. Oh, it's all right, Sergeant Major.

Get changed, fella.

We'll do the dame's number.

Oh, dear.

Now you will never catch boat. I'm not giving in.

The last thing that Sergeant Major said was carry on with a brave smile and a

cheerful heart.

I'm thinking of in the middle of Burma with a broken rickshaw and a brave

We are going to look pretty damn silly.

Look!

I've been approached a fool all my life.

There's nothing else for it. Someone has to take something from us.

My body's only five foot tall.

I've got a boat to catch. I don't know the words.

Well, I'll prompt you. Positions, everyone.

Positions, everyone.

One. One.

Two, three, four.

What do we go for?

Go see a show for. Go see a show for.

Tell the truth, you're going to see those beautiful dames. Tell the truth,

you're going to see those beautiful dames. You spend your dough for. You

your dough for.

Bouquets that grow for. Bouquets that grow for.

Oh,

those beautiful dames.

You don't recall their names, do you? But their caresses and home addresses.

their caresses... Linger in your memory of these beautiful

Danes. Of those beautiful Danes.

Wasn't difficult, was it?

Right, off we go. On the track, will we, Gerald?

But we haven't changed. Do that...

a taxi. Follow that truck.

Sorry, no taxi. Go away.

Hey, do you know who you are talking to?

This is Vip.

Vip? VIP.

Very important person.

Gunner Lochte Hugdon.

Star of Royal Artillery Concert Party.

I'm recognising you. You are my biggest fan.

Everything in the garage is at your disposal.

Thank you very much. I'll take a taxi.

You'll have taxi first thing tomorrow morning when you come back from waiting.

can't wait till tomorrow morning. I want to go to Rangoon. The ship's waiting.

Hey, what about that motorbike? That is my personal transport.

But I will lend it to you if you just give me your autograph.

Done. Plus 500 rupees.

party, Reynolds.

You've cut it a bit fine, sir. Had trouble with our fan belt.

They're casting off pretty soon. The captain wants to catch the tide.

Ashwood.

That'll be Sergeant Major Williams.

We're one short.

Gunner Sagnum will not be joining us.

Right, I'll cross him off.

Gunner Clark.

Sir.

What will you have all want?

I've got time to go to the chemist. I've run out of make -up remover.

Shut up and get on board.

Gunner Macintosh.

You ever seen a pair of shoulders like our people?

They're going to do much more of that.

I've got rather a headache.

Move yourself!

Come on, come on, come on, let's have you, let's have you!

There it is, lovely boys.

Take your last look at the mythical East.

You'll probably never see it again.

Aye, and good reddens.

Say that.

That's some good times.

What about when you came under fire from them Jaffa snipers?

You won't get that kind of experience in Simmy Street.

Right, stand by to lower the gangway.

As I live and breathe as the little Caruso.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank

you.