Original subtitles

Meet the gang cause the boys are here. The boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way. To raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes all anew. With us about you and Phil Blue.

meet the gang cause the boys are here. The boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S.

Boys to entertain you.

Are you nearly ready?

Well, I'm just waiting for Ted to start the jetty.

Right, Ted, give me the gun.

That's it.

Oh, here's a list of what we're showing.

I'll go and tell the article.

Yeah, well, don't forget there'll be quite a few intervals because I have to

change the reels. Right.

We'll be long, fella.

Oh, I can't wait to see Dick Powell and Ruby Keeler.

We're ready, Connor Reynolds.

What's the programme?

Well, we start off with a newsreel, then a Donald Duck, and then a Fitzpatrick

travelogue. It's called...

Burma, the evergreen paradise of the Orient.

Big film.

Oh, it's wonderful.

Footlights Parade of 1933, starring Jimmy Cadney, Dick Powell and Ruby

A bit ancient, isn't it? No, there wasn't much choice, sir. When I had the

notification from the Army Kinema Unit, it was either that or the battleship

Potomkin.

And I didn't think a lot of Russian sailors having mutinies and shooting

officers would have a very good effect on the men.

I can't understand Eisenhower being associated with it, sir.

I think you'd better have a word with the men before we start.

I don't want any oafish behaviour.

You know, they make kissing noises during the love scenes.

Spoils the atmosphere.

Very well, sir.

Thank you.

Right. Now, pay attention.

The army cinema unit has come a long way to give us a show.

So you will behave yourselves.

I don't want any comedians making rightful remarks.

cut holes, or holding up your hands and making rubbish on the screen.

Carry on, Torvald.

Are you in the way of the screen?

This is the government British news presenting the truth to the free people

of the world.

After more than five years of blood, sweat, and tears, the armies of Great

Britain and the Empire are celebrating the victory in Europe.

with a parade through the heart of the Nazi lair, Berlin.

They're all here.

Those desert rats, the 8th Army, who stormed their way from Alamein to Rome.

The RAF, who showed Adolf what blitz really means.

The Navy, who showed that Britannia still rules the waves. The men from the

Empire, the Anzacs, Canadians, Rhodesians. Yes, they're all here.

Red Indians from Canada, ordinary Indians from India.

All together to celebrate this hour of crime.

The Americans are here as well.

Meanwhile, back in dear old London town, the lights are on, the flags are

waving, and the bands are playing.

The people are simply jumping for joy. It's all over by the shouting, and

they're doing plenty of that now.

There's no order right here, pal.

Now I want you shut up!

They're really making a night of it.

Every Tommy Atkins and Jolly Jack star has a girl on each arm, and there are

plenty more to share in the fun. Yeah, you want to send some over here, mate?

Of course, there is still a little matter to be settled in the Far East,

know the lads out there can take care of that.

How about coming out here and giving us a hug?

I won't tell you again! Shut up!

This is a bit ancient. V -Day was ages ago. Please be quiet, sir.

My wife was in Trafalgar Square that night. I've tried to spot her.

That isn't her, is it?

Certainly not.

Blow harder, Arsene. I must have the two ladies for the next interval.

Oh, look.

What heavenly enchantment. All those beautiful ladies swimming in the

waterfall.

It's magic.

sheer, sheer magic.

I don't agree. They're making him sing too hard. He's not a proper tenor, and

his gestures are not very expressive.

If I had a load of girls swimming round me, my gestures would be expressive.

Of course, musically speaking, it's absolute rubbish.

And the harmonies are so bland.

It's just one phrase repeated over and over again.

La -di -da -di -da, la -di -da -di -da.

There's no changing huts and no towels.

And where's the sandwiches and thermos flasks?

They don't have sandwiches and thermos flasks in Hollywood, you great burk.

all champagne and caviar, isn't it? Where do they put it?

It was the same in that film Top Hat, when they danced the piccolino. There

wasn't a pickle inside.

Hurry up, Othin.

Watching all that water will make them feel thirsty.

Transport waiting in the road.

What's the matter, Gloria?

It's so frustrating.

I'm just as creative as that Busby Barclay.

But I haven't got the backup.

He can have anything he wants in Hollywood.

200 girls.

Huge waterfalls.

Big orchestras. And what have I got?

Him on the piano and you lot with balloons stuck in your brows.

Chime what's up?

Chime what?

That just about sums it up.

I'm going to bed.

You ought to be in pictures.

You're wonderful to see.

Anything interesting in the order, sir?

The Corps Commander is visiting this area Thursday week.

Is he coming to see us? No, they're giving him lunch at GHQ.

Are we invited?

I am. I'm afraid you're not.

It's Colonel's office.

Well, the rotten lunch is at GHQ anyway.

You're mad, Gloria. You've been out in the sun too long without your hat. It's

the most stupid idea I've ever heard.

Don't you call me stupid. You're going to be struck butch hairy haggis. Oh,

up, wasn't he watching? I'd wipe the floor with you. Help!

Perhaps we'd better find out what's going on, Sergeant Major. I quite agree,

sir. I was reading a pamphlet on man management the other day, and apparently

the chaps like to be talked to in their own language.

It makes them feel part of the team. It gives them the idea that what they think

actually matters.

You mean officers should give the impression they really care?

Exactly, sir.

On the other hand, sir, I could dubber them round the camp a dozen times.

Then they wouldn't care whether you cared or not.

I think Captain Ashford is right. We'll go over and have a chat with him and try

and look a little more caring, Sergeant Major.

You open the conversation, will you, Ashford?

Sergeant!

I'll make it very informal and relaxed.

Right, there it is, chaps.

Just come over for an informal chat.

Right, off you go, Ashford.

Lively. Still in the cruise.

That picture last night was a bit of all right.

I don't think you're getting through to them.

Now, try again, will you?

I bet if some of you could have got your hands on that Ruby Keeler, you wouldn't

half have given her one.

A kiss, I mean.

What the officer's trying to say is, what the hell's the matter with you

You're like a load of pork chops at a Jewish funeral.

You see, it's like this, Sergeant Major. You see, we've had a slight

disagreement because I've got this fantastic idea.

Well, tell us what this idea is and we may be able to help you.

I want you to know, as your colonel, I care.

And Captain Ashford cares too.

Yes. So spit it out, Bomberdeer, or I'll have you on a fissure.

You see, it's like this, Sergeant Major.

You know that film we saw last night and it had that number in it, By a

Waterfall? Well...

I think we could put it in the show.

The only problem is, sir, as we pointed out to Bombardier Beaumont, we haven't

got 200 girls, we haven't got a waterfall, and although I regard myself

mean musician, I cannot make that ghastly piano sound like a hundred

orchestra.

A hundred -piece orchestra?

Let me tell you, Mr. Lauderdale, Colonel Graham, you cannot even make that

ghastly piano sound like a ghastly piano.

I do take your point, Colonel Graham, but nothing is impossible.

No problem is insurmountable.

I mean, take the case of a little Dutch boy who saw water coming out of a hole

in the dike.

Now, that was the problem.

And what did he do about it? He stuck his finger in it.

You may say to yourselves, if we'd seen a hole in the dike, we'd have stuck

something in it too.

But would you?

The point is, the little Dutch boy was there with his finger at the ready, and

he used it.

Don't you agree, Ash? Oh, absolutely, sir.

Let's take the problems one by one. First, the 200 girls.

We haven't got 200 girls, so let's forget it.

You're quite right, sir.

When you tattle, is it logical? Your problems just melt away.

Next, the waterfall.

Is that where the little Dutch boy comes in?

We've passed him! Shut up!

Here, I know how we can make a waterfall, sir. We get a load of gas

stick them together.

Then we get a few buckets of water and have it dribbling down them.

Did you hear that, sir?

Gallop Parkins has done it again.

He's put his finger right in the oar.

If we got a firehouse and a pump, we could have a jolly good waterfall.

And where are we going to get the water?

The river's half a mile away.

Listen, I've got it. This is fantastic.

Why don't we do the show on the water that they do at Starborough?

I can see it now.

The audience will be on the riverbank and we'll be on a raft and the moon will

be shining behind us.

and Lofty's voice had come wafting over the water.

Aye, we're the frogs.

And we'll call ourselves the Water Concert Party.

Yes, the WCP.

Still, Constance, I have an even better idea. Why not do that by a waterfall

number by the real waterfall, which is further down the river?

Shut up.

How dare you interrupt?

Go crouched by your charon.

That's not a bad idea, sir. Why can't we do it by the real waterfall?

Excuse me, sir. Well, if we do the show by the real waterfall, the audience,

they won't be able to hear anything. The sound of the water crashing down, it'll

drown out our voices.

Maybe the shower is not a bad idea after all, sir.

Thank you, Gunner Clark. That was very bright of you.

Don't mention it, sir.

I think we'd better stick to doing it on the river.

You know, this is the most exciting idea I've heard this war.

I'm going to put everything into it.

I'm going to get in touch with the engineers, and they'll cooperate with

And the people will come from miles around, and you, Ashford, will

the whole thing.

I want us to be one people, regardless of rank, class, creed, or status.

And I'll be the producer.

All ready to run the bio

-waterfall number now, sir. Splendid.

Right, Bobbitt here.

Explain to the Colonel how it all works. My positions, everybody.

Right, sir. You are the audience, sitting on the bank of the river.

Right. I want you to imagine that where I'm standing, it's all water. And here

is a raft with a stage on it.

And I'm in charge of the stage, sir. Yes, he's in charge of the stage.

And over here, connected by a plank, is the dressing room raft where we all

change.

I'm over here on the riverbank, sir, in charge of the whole operation.

I'm in touch by radio.

with the song major and with the pianist. I'm over here, sir, on another

He's over there on another raft.

A little one.

Nosher's standing on stage, finishing his paper -tearing act. Right, Nosher?

Music.

Hey, mother!

The curtains close.

I'm closing the curtains, sir.

You won't see him going back to the corner, you see, because the curtains

closed. Then he tells controls.

Control, curtains are closed.

Over to you, Captain Ashford.

Thank you, stage.

Go, piano.

Piano, going.

Now, Lofty is over there, out of sight, in a gondola.

He sings the first verse as he comes into view.

And the moon is shining about him, and the evening mist is wafting across the

water.

The royal engineers are letting us have some smoke canisters.

Aspen is in charge of the evening mist club.

As he thinks the birds, the boys are changing into bathing bells and

I'm on the dressing room raft, sir.

You're that, sir. Get a part in his dressing room raft.

Right, and the moon is on the water. And the boys are crossing from the dressing

room, Ralph, and getting into position.

The mist is wafting across.

And as he reaches the steps, he sings the first verse.

Then Gunnar Graham plays an eight -bar bridge.

The curtains open, and I come forward in this lovely diaphanous dress.

Then Lofty gets out of the boat. Listen to that bit.

I'm walking the curtains, all right?

I'm crossing over to help him.

I'm getting out the gondola.

Then he sings the chorus and I do this lovely romantic dance.

During this, sir, I will signal to the charwater who is working the pump in the

dressing room raft.

Now, when he turns the relevant valve, water from the river goes through the

oars which is attached to the back of the waterfall, thus motivating the

You will notice, sir, that he has a piece of rope attached to his person.

An eye is only the other end.

I've worked out a few simple signals that even a thicket like him can

understand.

We each have a list.

One pull, turn on pump.

One pull, turn on pump.

Two pulls, start water.

Two pulls, start water.

Three pulls, more water.

Three pulls, more water.

Four pulls, less water.

Four pulls, less water.

Five pulls... Stop!

Join this chorus.

Flares on little floats will be carried gently across the front of the stage by

the currents.

I'm Flare Man!

Yes.

Over to you, Captain Ashwood.

Go!

Williams on stage.

Captain Ashwood on the controls.

Traveller and Puff.

Graham on piano.

Arsene on mist and lights.

And last, but by no means least, Colonel Reynolds.

I made the whole thing possible.

Congratulations to you all. It's the best

Now, look, I've got one or two little points here.

Firstly, the gunner's sergeant didn't tie up the gondola.

Now, if he doesn't do that, it'll drift off the down river and be smashed to

pieces on the real waterway.

Good point.

Next, if we're not careful, Sergeant Major will be seen by the audience.

I thought of that. He will be covered from head to foot in black.

Oh, you thought of everything. I'm overwhelmed.

It's completely breathtaking.

Oh, Ashford, I've got an idea.

You know that lunch party I've got to attend at GHQ on Thursday?

Well, I'm going to invite all the high -ranking officers back here to see the

dress rehearsal.

It'll be daylight.

There'll be no magic. No, it's the organisation I want them to see. It'll

to the military minds of all these generals and air marshals. Carry on.

done.

Are you ready, fellas?

Everything all right?

Bump is standing by, sir.

Good luck, fellas.

Good luck.

Atlas, what do mermaids do?

If you're half a fish, there's not a lot you can do.

We're all ready to start the finale, sir, as soon as you say go.

Carry on, sir.

Give your instructions through this to me at the control

post.

Over there.

I'm in touch with the pianist over there and the sergeant major on the stage.

He's in touch with the pup.

Right.

Why is that sergeant major dressed like Max

Wall?

I'm glad you raised that point, sir. It's so the audience can't see it. You

remember all this takes place at night. So just ignore everything except what

happens on stage.

Control to stage. Control to stage.

Go, lace tablecloth.

Stage here.

Lace tablecloth. Going now.

Get on with it.

Go, piano.

Piano going.

Hey, mother!

Why is that man holding up that dirty old piece of torn newspaper?

Supposed to be a lace tablecloth, sir.

Hello? Control to piano, go introduction to waterfall.

Go gondola.

You didn't warn me, I'm not in it.

Hello, control to piano, not quite ready. Play the introduction again.

I'm stuck in the mud.

Here, give it a shot.

Hello, hello, control to piano, he's stuck.

Keep playing the introduction.

I'm sinking. It's filling with water.

Turn on fast before you sink.

How do you make the water net from the mermaids to be here by now?

Come on, move yourself. You should be on stage. What's the matter with you?

I appreciate the simple things because I'm only fond of getting

love.

Hurry up, fellas.

I'm not going to get across.

I can't even move my feet.

There's some troubles by the gills.

Here, Sergeant Major, they can't get across.

Stage to control. We're in a bit of trouble by here, sir. We can't get the

mermaids across.

Hello? Control to piano.

Play the verse again.

I appreciate the simple things because I'm always fond of getting

love in a natural setting.

This is what I call the simple things.

Just one.

Hurry up, Sergeant Major. Open the curtain.

Looks more like a pea soup, huh?

I don't want to fall with you.

I don't want to fall with you.

Video, control to stage.

Start pump.

Station.

I'm not smoking, sir.

Put them out, you fool.

Hello? Control the stage.

That pump is making a hell of a noise.

Turn it to quietness.

This is where the waterfall starts.

Hello? Control to stage.

Go waterfall.

Stage to control in. Waterfall going.

Dark water. Two folks.

Dark water.

Dark water.

Dear Atlas,

where's this water supposed to go?

where most of it's going.

Is that the great big waterfall we've been hearing so much about?

Yes. Pathetic.

I could do better than that on half a pint.

That waterfall is pathetic.

I quite agree, sir.

Hello, control the stage.

That waterfall is pathetic.