Original subtitles

Meet the gang, cos the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With Tom and Fetid and Joke's old and new, with us about you and Phil Blue. So

meet the gang, cos the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

at last night's show is definitely substandard. I quite agree, sir. What

think, Sergeant Major?

Sloppy, sir.

The whole thing is falling to pieces.

The brigadier was quite scathing.

When they dressed up as dancehall girls and sang Tenth Day to Dance, he turned

to me and said, I wouldn't dance with them for nothing.

Shall I put him on a charge, sir, for overcharging? No.

You can't do that, Sergeant Major. Get him on parade.

Captain Ashwood will give them a good dressing down.

Please, sir. Yes, Jolly will tear him off the ship.

How are you, sir?

Right, lovely boys, let's have your bread.

Would it be better if you gave them a good telling off, sir? No, no, you're

good at that sort of thing. You can be very sarcastic and quick -witted.

What about that time when that toffee -nosed little pilot officer made a

about those spindle legs of yours sticking out from under your shirt?

Quick as a flash, you said. Why don't you take off, bro -cream boy?

Tootshine!

Tootshine!

Tootshine!

The men are on parade, sir.

Thank you, sir. I've made a stand at ease, haven't I? Turn to ice!

Right off you go. Tear him to shreds.

Yes, sir.

Now, look here, you lot.

Colonel and I are very cross with you.

You're all rotten.

And what's more, you... What Captain Aspen is trying to say is

that the show is dropping.

And you are an idle bunch of unfunny, ugly, useless, thick twits of Mormons.

Is that right, sir?

Quite right. Well done, Edward.

The only one I feel sorry for is General Parkins.

He stood out on that stage like a little diamond in a manure heap.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that, Sergeant Major.

Did you hear that, sir? Not only talented, but modest with it.

The fact is, the show isn't good enough.

Now, look, I've made some notes here. We'll go through the whole show piece by

piece. Now, the opening chorus.

Now, when you do this step here, you were putting your hand up as though you

wanted to go somewhere.

I was trying to attract Gunnar Graham's attention on the piano. He was playing

the wrong tempo.

The dirge.

Like a funeral march.

What have you got to say to that, Graham?

I've played precisely that tempo for 500 performances.

It hasn't varied one iota. It did last night.

Blimey. You've got tin ears, anyway.

If I've got tin ears, you've got lead fingers.

Well, the Macintosh is a strong man, Act. Now, the part where you tear that

tillering wretch in half fell very flat.

He doesn't grunt and groan enough. See, the audience hardly kept at all.

I grunt and groan all right. It's gonna groan.

He's supposed to give me a ta -da!

And he didn't. I mean, if I don't get a ta -da!

I don't get any applause.

Oh, it's me again, it is. I suppose the fact that they can all see where you've

made a two -inch cut with a hacksaw so that a four -year -old infant can tear

in half is neither here nor there.

I only make a tiny neck.

Right, next we go on to your solo, Gunner, Gunner Thudden.

Now, something went very much amiss during the singing from the student

Overhead the moon is beaming, light has blossomed on the bow.

Well, it was him. He won't follow me. I only got as far as the moon is beaming

and he got the blossom on the bow.

Yeah, you must follow him.

You see, I'm supposed to be a gay debonair young prince who's a student at

Heidelberg University.

I have to hurry it up and slow it down as the mood takes me. I do find it a

little hard to convince myself that Gunnar Sagden is a gay debonair young

from Heidelberg University.

More like the caretaker from the Tonopandi Polytechnic.

The fact is, it's all Graham's fault, because he won't follow me.

Well, as the Americans would put it, I seem to be the fall guy who's taking the

rap for a load of bumps.

Serves you right for being a wise guy.

Well done, Astrid, you've done it again.

Now, if you haven't heard the last of this, Captain Astrid and I and the

Sergeant Major are going to think about it all, and when we've thought about it

all, we're definitely going to do something, aren't we?

Definitely, sir. Right.

Thank you. Carry on, Sergeant Major.

Consign!

Here's Max!

Move yourselves.

Well, thank you all very much for your support.

It's nice to know who your friends are.

What do you think's wrong with Gunner Graham, sir?

Nothing I couldn't put right with a good kick up the backside, sir.

Perhaps we'd better have an informal chat with him. Send him over, would you,

please? Sir.

That timer!

Halt! Salute!

Now, the Colonel wishes to have a chat with you informally, right? All right.

Thanks, Sergeant Major.

Do sit down.

Sure.

Sure.

Do you care for a cigarette?

No, I don't, my thanks, sir. I'm afraid I can't offer you a drink.

No, I realise it's hard to get.

No, it's not there. It's just that you're a gunner and we're opposites.

Now, look here, Gunner Graham, what is wrong with you?

Have you got trouble at hand? No, sir, none at all.

Well, there must be something wrong. You seem to have lost all interest in the

chair.

Well, I'll be frank with you.

You're a man of some culture and taste.

And you are too, Captain Ashwood. And you, you... You see, sir, it's like

How would you feel if your one ambition in life was to be a serious classical

pianist and you had to sit there night after night at a terrible piano playing

Happy Days Are Here Again?

Yes, my God, I do see.

It must be pure torture, mustn't it, Sergeant Major?

She a purgatory, sir.

I thought you had a degree in English literature.

Oh, that was just a thought to Mummy and Daddy.

You see, I have... I have this old aunt, Lucinda Bavistock Graham. She's the

Dorset side of the family. She knew what I really wanted to do, so she paid for

my musical education entirely.

On my 21st birthday, she took me to Harrods and bought me a Beckstein.

How marvellous. Do you hear that, Sergeant Major? She bought him a

Very nice, sir.

How much does it do to the gallon?

Are you going back to that when all this is over? Oh, yes, definitely.

It takes years of practice, will you? Yes, I do realise that. But Aunty says

she'll sponsor me.

And if anything should happen to her, well, she's made me her sole heir.

Well, we do realise things are hard for you, but they're hard for us all. I

mean, war's a damn boring business, and we've just got to soldier on.

Now, you're going to do your best, aren't you?

Yes, of course. Good, there's a good chap off you there.

Die, you fiends!

I salute you! Come on, turn!

Get away with what you're doing!

Anyway,

I tell you, there must be a very good reason for it all.

Like I said, sir, nothing wrong with him. I couldn't put right with a good

up the arse.

My heart tells me this is just a bling.

Doesn't Paderewski want any supper?

No. He's lying under his moddy net reading War and Peace.

He says we're a bunch of ungrateful morons.

Well, then insult.

It was his fault the show was lousy. Course it was.

Fancy him calling us ungrateful morons.

What right's he got to look down on us just because he's been to university and

we ain't?

I reckon it's the wrong people what's getting the education.

Yeah, you're right there, Parkey.

Now, if I'd been to Cambridge and done a lot of learning, I'd be humbled about

it.

Where have you been, Mammie?

I've been dying for a couple of hours.

I've been to HQ to get my new chawala permit.

Medical officer inspected my charn, and I'm happy to tell you there are no

buggies.

I expect the hot water killed them.

I'll just share it to my newspaper.

Also, time for a colonel's up. I'll give it in.

I see the jacks are on their last legs.

They were saying that months ago when I was up the jungle.

Ten minutes later, we were all running for our lives because we were surrounded

by them.

Well, they can't hold out much longer.

I mean, we've got the whole world on our side.

I can't wait to get back to Civvy Street, in Pan Alley, Charing Cross

They like the London.

Yeah, they've turned them on already, you know, lucky devils.

I'll see me work in a real live theatre with a real live orchestra.

What makes you think you'll get a real live audience?

Half of them walked out last night and it was free.

A downright lie.

No, it's not.

Two of them asked for their money back then and they paid in the first place.

I'm going to apply for an ex -serviceman's grant to study singing at

Milano.

But you don't speak Italian.

He's not that hot at English.

What parts can you play in opera?

I could play Don Jose in Carmen.

Gigli plays it. He's not much bigger than I am.

It's all about a tart who has a job in a fag factory.

I play a corporal in the army who's besotted with her, but she throws me

and has it off with an officer.

Typical. If they give grants for studying, I reckon they should give

starting a business.

What sort of business would you start, then? I reckon after the war, people are

going to need roads.

And my plan is to build a huge road, three lanes wide, so that folks can

from London to Scotland without stopping.

People have got to stop. What are they going to do about grub? I'd build

cafes.

And what about petrol?

Let's sell petrol as well.

That's novel.

Café that sell petrol.

Excuse me, sir.

Would you mind if I sit in your light to read the paper? My hurricane lamp is

rather inaudible.

Certainly. I'm afraid there's not much in it.

What's in the time, sir?

We won the war in Europe.

It's about ten weeks old.

Memorial service for Lloyd George.

Wonderful Welshman, Lloyd George, sir.

He knew my father.

Who else is dead?

A couple of cannons, a judge, a professor, a few in the small print.

I say, what's this?

Lady Lucinda Bavistock Graham, 91, of Graham Hall in Dorset.

Widow of Sir Adrian Bavistock Graham, but... That must be Graham's auntie.

Unless there are two Lady Lucinda Bavistock Grahams in Dorset.

I wonder why I never mentioned it.

Well, perhaps you don't know, sir.

I'm sure I'd have said. After all, she's the one who said to leave him all her

money.

Perhaps he hasn't on a letter, sir. I mean, the mail is very erotic.

Hang on a minute. We're dealing with a man who's very highly strung and who's

got a lot of pressure from his friends because he's such a rotten pianist.

Obviously he's very fond of the old woman. If I go up and say I'm afraid

kicked the bucket, it might be a terrible shock to him.

Sooner or later he'll get a letter from his parents putting the whole thing in a

sympathetic and loving sort of way.

Not only that, sir.

He gives himself enough airs and graces as it is.

If he suddenly finds out he's come into a fortune, he'll become positively

paragoric.

Paranoid.

That as well, sir.

On balance, I think we'll leave things as they are.

Yes, well, I think I'll turn in now, sir.

It's a bit early, isn't it?

Well, not really, sir. I have not done my snake search.

That's it, sir.

I didn't like to mention it in front of the farm major, but I thought your

reason for keeping the news from Gunner Graham was pretty thin.

Well, we've been pretty rotten to Graham.

Now, look, I've got this marvellous idea of making money after the war, but I

need capital.

Now, look, if I go and say, I'm afraid auntie's died and left you a fortune,

could you let me have £10 ,000? It might sound a bit odd.

What is this marvellous idea, sir?

Television.

Just before the war, I went to the radio show at Olympia and I saw this

television set.

They were showing a tennis match.

You couldn't see the balls, but it was marvellous.

That, I said to myself, is the future.

What, tennis without balls?

Television!

They've stopped it. Well, they'll start up again after all. Sooner or later,

they'll be one in every house. Oh, no, no, definitely not.

The sets cost hundreds and hundreds.

Yes, well, I'll buy a lot of them and get them cheaper.

Then I can rent them out for, say, ten bob a week.

Oh, no. I think it's a rotten idea.

I mean, the British public like to get out and about.

They don't want to sit indoors with the blinds drawn, crouching over a

television set.

No, no, I wouldn't put a tumble in it.

My idea's much better. Oh, really?

What is it?

Washing machines.

That's just as expensive as my television set.

Ah, but I'm not going to put one in every home.

I'll take a shop, put a dozen machines in it, you see, then people will come

along, pay me a shilling, and do their washing.

I'll start with one shop, and then I'll have a chain of them all over the

country. I shall call them, uh, launderdromes.

You're way off target there.

The British public would never stand for it. You know how reserved they are.

They'd never let other people see their dirty washing.

You can't expect an educated man like Graham to put his money into a

scheme like that, especially if you call it a laundrodrome.

How about laundriettes?

That's even worse.

Come on, let's do the snake search and we'll go to bed.

What do you think?

Let's be buddies.

Hello, boy.

Hello, Sergeant Major.

Can't you sleep?

No, no, I just come out to see how he was, that's all.

I look after my boys, you know.

That's very nice of you.

Just as I shout a bit now and then, don't mean to say I don't care about you

all, you know.

No, no, of course not.

Stuck out here in the jungle must seem a funny old life for an Oxford and

Cambridge -educated genius of a pianist like you.

You still...

The war will soon be over and you'll be back in Civvy Street playing Beethoven,

chopping, sherbet.

Yes, sir. Well, let's hope so.

You know, the good Lord's been kind to you, hasn't he?

Given you all them gifts.

A brilliant brain, wonderful musical talent, beautiful speaking voice like Al

Barley Dell.

You're not bad looking either.

Thank you.

How long will you have to study then to become a famous classical pianist like

him? Oh, no, it's difficult to say.

I'd probably have to practice six or eight hours a day for five years.

But your life's all mapped out, isn't it?

As for me, as soon as the war's over, I'll be retired.

The scrappy for me.

Oh, come, come, Sergeant Major. There must be some sort of job that you could

somewhere.

What about a commissionaire outside a cinema, for instance?

Oh, I don't mean just an ordinary little flea pit of a cinema.

I mean, with your ability, it could be the Odeon, left for square.

Well, I do have an idea.

And it's this.

I want to get a few chaps around me.

A bit like me, you know, warrant officers, sergeants, who can handle

in a scrap.

Put them in a smart uniform, and we can go round protecting things.

Protecting what sort of things?

Well, money.

We could collect wages from the bank.

Anybody tries any robberies or strong -arm stuff, we duff them up.

That's not a bad idea.

We shall call the firm Security Troops.

Not bad.

Well, of course, that sort of thing takes a lot of money to start up, and I

gotten it.

Still, one day, who knows?

I'm glad you like the idea.

Good night.

Good night, Sergeant Major.

What was that noise, Arsene?

I think it come from the officer's basher.

Perhaps loose while I'm trying to steal from Colonel.

I'll fix him.

Are you awake, Ashford?

Yes, sir.

How much do you think Garnet Graham's aunt left?

Well, if Graham Hall is the one I think it is, it's huge, with masses of

servants. Could be half a million or more. Ah, just think.

A common gunner inheriting half a million.

He's not common.

He went to Cambridge.

Well, we get the news any time.

We'd better start being nice to him now.

Where are you going?

I'm going to have a chat with him. I'm coming with you.

Heaven's sake, don't let on that he's inherited a fortune.

Good evening, General Graham.

Good evening, sir.

Everything all right?

Yes, yes, thank you, sir. Fine.

We couldn't sleep, so we thought we'd have a cup of tea.

Would you care to join us?

Oh, that's very nice of you. Thank you, sir.

Chaw, brother.

Chaw.

Three cups of chaw, dear.

Is General Graham going to piss up?

What did you say there?

Of course not. We shall pay.

Well, Graham, how's it all going?

Well, not too bad, thank you, sir.

Stuck in the jungle here must be a strange experience for an educated man

good breeding, background and intelligence.

Yes, and a brilliant pianist to boot.

I want to be loved by you.

I can't believe it.

True, sir.

This auntie has kicked a bucket.

And left him millions and millions of pounds.

He never said a dicky bird.

He does not know that.

And he mustn't know either.

I mean, don't you see? If we keep on the right side of him, this could be the

answer to all our dreams.

I could have my own show.

I could study my singing in Italy.

And I could build my roads.

No, nobody's that wealthy.

But I could have my own show.

Listen, we're going to have to start being nice to him.

How was he this morning?

I said good morning to him.

Did he say anything back?

Guess he told me to take a running jump.

Where is he now?

Under a tree outside the gates reading his book.

Go outside and ask him if he'd like a nice cup of tea.

Who, me?

Yes, you!

Paderewski, do you fancy a cup of tea? No.

Glorious pain.

Oh, all right.

Would you like a cake?

My treat.

Well, I might. What have you got?

Just one sub.

Oh, I want a fancy one.

Oh.

Just so happen I have just one coconut dream left.

Give it to him. Give it to him.

That will be two annas extra sub. Take it. Take it. Two annas.

Do you want to sit down?

You're sitting. Get up. You're sitting in Paderewski's place. You always sit

there. Oh, sorry.

I thought they were supposed to use the inside of the coconut, not the outside.

Not the inside of the coconut, not the outside.

Or you'd scream.

Is it nice?

It's a bit weak.

I think the charwalla started using those second -hand tea leaves again.

Second -hand tea leaves!

Not all of the boys, as it were, let Colonel Graham finish his tea.

Right, pay attention, chaps.

I've got some marvellous news for you, especially for Gunner Graham.

Now, we all know Gunner Graham has not been too happy about the sort of music

he's had to play.

No, it's a shame.

It's a great trouble.

If so happens, I've been talking to the brigadier, GHQ, and he's a very keen

music lover, but, of course, he's starved of good stuff.

Well, then it came to me in a flash.

Here is Gunner Graham with his classical training, and there is the brigadier,

starved. Why don't we bring them both together?

Why doesn't Gunner Graham give us all a...

Well, the brigadier jumped at it, and he's following us down.

You mean you want me to play now?

Yes. What have you got a lot of?

Who is your favourite composer?

Amadeus Mozart.

How extraordinary. Do you know who the brigadier's favourite composer is?

I'm, uh, I'm, uh, him.

Have you got a lot of him?

Well, quite a lot, yes, sir. Well, go and get it all.

All right, fellas, get the piano, knobby, nusher, and bring the chair

one of the lovely boys, move yourselves.

Not you, Gunner Graham.

Now, be careful with that piano, lovely boy.

of Graham, selfish enough as it is.

Just a minute, boys.

What have you done?

Oh, he'll have the sun in his eyes.

How do you expect a sensitive artist like him to have the sun in his eyes?

You've got a Graham who does not want the sun in your eyes, does you?

Well, no, I'd rather not.

Quite. Move it again, lovely boys.

That's it.

Beautiful.

Careful now, careful.

Well done, lads.

Well done.

Is that the music?

Yes, sir. How long will that take?

About two hours. Oh, fantastic.

Did you hear that, Sergeant Major? He's going to play for two hours. What a

treat, sir.

Hot China!

Good afternoon, sir. Is everything ready? Pretty much, sir, yes.

Is this Graham?

Yes, sir. Well done.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, sir. Tell me, by the way, is it true that he's come into a

fortune?

Yes, I believe so, sir, yes. I must have a talk with him later on. You see, I've

got this little scheme after the war.

Oh, by the way, I've brought your mail for you. Oh, thank you, sir. I won't

them around now. I don't want to hold things up. Try while I look after these,

will you, please? Thank you.

Which part of his repertoire is he giving us? Sir, we is having two hours

Armadillo Mozart.

Unbelievable.

Mozart in the jungle.

Off we go, then.

Ladies and gentlemen, fellas, we're very privileged this afternoon to have a

Mozart recital by Jonathan Graham.

He's going to start off with a little number from Mozart's biggest hit, The

Overture to the Magic Flute.

Take it away, Professor.

As Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was born in Salzburg, where naturally everyone spoke

German, I feel it is only right and proper that I should give it its proper

name, which is, of course, as you all know, Die Zauberflöte.

Yes, of course.

It's only a musical pause. Shut up! It's only a musical pause!

What is it? I must speak to you.

We mustn't interrupt Gunner Graham unless it's a matter of life and death.

It is a matter of death, sir.

All right. Excuse me, sir.

This letter has come from Gunnar's grandfather.

Why is it open?

It got in the way of steaming kettles up.

How dare you? Yes, how dare you?

How much did she leave?

Dear Johnny, I expect you heard the news about your poor aunt.

As you know, you were her sole heir.

In her latter years, however, she became heavily involved with the work of the

church army.

And I'm sure you'd be happy to know she left all her entire estate... To them.

Sir, does this mean that for two hours we've been listening to that crippled

drivel for nothing?

I'm afraid so.

Till I put him on a charge, sir.

Oh,

thank you.

You know, Mohammed, I don't understand life at all.

A few days ago, they all turned against me. I couldn't do a thing right.

And then, for some unexplained reason, they were all terribly nice to me.

Now they've all turned on me again.

There is old Indian proverb, sir, which says, false friends are like summer

birds. They fly away in the cold weather.

So, if you want to see your true friend, Gaze in the mirror?

The boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

The

boys

are here, the boys to entertain you.

P -O -P -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.