Original subtitles

Meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes all anew with us about you and Phil Blue. So

meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

You know, sir, I do not understand why the brigadier wants us to do a special

show just for him.

It's very hush -hush, Sergeant Major. He's going to tell us later.

This chap's a jolly good purist, Colonel.

Yes, he's a Cambridge man, you know. Oh, really?

I went to Cambridge.

It was a beautiful day.

I'm much too tired to sleep.

I'm one of those lady teachers, a beautiful hostess, you know.

One that the palace features at exactly a dime a

throw.

I hear drums.

Loudly the saxophone blows.

Trumpets are tearing my drums.

Customers crush my tea.

to say a few words to you. All right, chaps. Sit down. Make yourselves

comfortable.

Well done, chaps.

Excellent, sir.

Now, I've got some wonderful news for you.

As you know, we've got the Japanese on the run, and we are preparing for the

final push.

Now, that's why I'm here today.

You are going in with the first wave of assault troops.

You will be doing your share under a hail of fire.

Singing with bullets whistling past your ears.

Dancing amid the minefield.

If one of you falls, someone else will take his place.

Laughing and jerking, keeping the morale of the fighting men up.

I want to hear of a pianist mentioned in dispatches.

Why shouldn't we have a ventriloquist VC?

I want you to become a legend.

The fighting entertainers.

Any questions?

Are we assured?

I think I'd better check with Equity.

Shut up!

Yes, well, you all heard what the Brigadier had to say.

Starting at 800 hours tomorrow, you will do a four -week intensive battle

course, after which you will be known as the Royal Artillery Conflict Party

Commanders.

All yours, Sergeant Major. Carry on.

I'm going back to the mess at GHQ. Care to try and wear it? No, thank you, sir.

We'll come along later.

I hear they've got some olive here.

Thank goodness for that. There's one thing I can't stand. It's a martini

an olive.

Right.

The truck will be here in ten minutes. Take you back to camp. There's a special

meal of bully beef stew, so do not be late.

Any dumplings?

Because if there's one thing I can't stand, it's bully beef stew without

dumplings.

Move yourselves.

Mad. That brigadier is stark raving mad.

Suicidal. I mean, you'd be safer being real soldiers.

I'm not fit to go in on the first wave.

I'm not even fit enough for Blackpool Beach.

Perhaps you ought to learn a few Japanese songs, sir.

In case you have to retreat.

Those of us dressed as girls might stand a chance.

I mean, even the Japs wouldn't shoot a girl.

Oh, no.

You'd just get ravaged, that's all.

Why don't we do a nurse's number? Then we could all wear red crosses.

Just think, Gloria.

After the war, when you were a star with your name up in lights, it could read

Gloria Beaumont, VC.

Yeah, VC.

Very Kent.

I think we should look on the bright side.

Get a pack of food when you're in training.

The horses get more oats.

They won't get those.

This is serious. We might get killed.

We've got to think of something.

I mean, pull the plug out of the landing craft.

Put sugar in their petrol tank.

Something, anything.

I don't want to die.

To train you to perfection so that you can do the show anytime, anywhere,

under battle conditions.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major, sir.

Yes.

What's this?

My resignation, sir.

Resignation?

Sir Wallace is not allowed to resign.

Sergeant Major, sir, I am not a soldier, boy.

If we are going into action laughing and singing, what will I do?

You will be going into action with us.

Charon and Cakebox are at the ready, madam.

But what will I do when bullets start flying?

You can climb into your charon and pull the lid down.

Now, shut up! Don't cross in the corner!

Now, when I blow my whistle, I want you to get changed into your next

number like greased lightning on a gram.

Yes, Sergeant Major. Now I want you to play something short.

What about the minute waltz?

How long does it last?

A minute.

You will play it in 30 seconds.

But that's impossible, Sergeant Major.

That's impossible, Sergeant Major.

Let me tell you, Mr. Lauderdale, if I tell you to play the minute waltz in 30

seconds, you will play it in 30 seconds!

Stand by!

Ready?

... ... ...

... ... ... ... ...

... ...

Your moustache is crooked.

Slant them eyes.

Get them shoulders round, lovey boy.

You cannot pay a Chinaman with fine square shoulders like you got.

Stand by for the next number.

Come on, come on, come on.

Right.

Report.

English country garden number.

Oh, presently correct, Sergeant Major.

Straighten that beard.

Shake that stomach out.

You were yours. You were on the wrong way.

Tomorrow, we start amphibious manoeuvres.

And when that slap comes down, I want to see you coming out of that landing

craft like the clappers.

And if you is not singing and dancing like you has never done before, you will

all be on a fizzle!

Commandos will land first, establish a bridgehead. Then in come your chaps, and

on with the show.

If the commanders are fighting the Japs, they won't be able to watch the show.

Keep their morale up. Today they've got the show going on behind them.

If I was in their shoes, I'd rather face the Japs.

Well, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen, I'll go and welcome them. The engineers

have fixed up some booby traps, and I have some thunder flashes to ginker them

up a bit.

Right. One at the spout. Safety catching.

Off. Stand by.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two,

one.

night, Ashwood.

We could be back in camp enjoying a night of gin and tonic.

Where are we?

I'm working on it, sir. You mean we're lost?

Oh, no, we're not lost. I'm just not quite sure where we are.

Sergeant. Oh, yes, Sergeant Major.

Keep on the alert.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major.

Yes?

Are we lost?

Lost? Of course not.

The British Army is never lost.

What gave you that idea?

Gunnar Graham said we were lost.

Did he?

Gunnar Graham!

Yes, Sergeant Major?

Come here.

Did you tell Gunnar Sutton we were lost?

Well, I just ventured an opinion, Sergeant Major.

Oh, I just ventured an opinion, Sergeant Major.

That's a good mind to put you on a charge.

Spreading alarm and dysponcy.

Lost?

You may have an huge university -bred brain, but let me tell you, Mr. Lardy

-Darkana Graham, I have got animal cunning.

The jungle is an open book to me.

There is not a tree, twig, or bush I does not know about.

out of our side, may I? I felt our gunner Graham thinks we're lost, sir.

can't cheat.

Have we got our bearings yet, Ashford? Not quite, sir.

How far have we come, sir?

It's rather difficult to estimate.

Did they teach you this sort of thing on your officer's training course?

Yes. What did they tell you?

Oh, let me see.

Firstly, telegraph poles are 33 yards apart.

There is no telegraph poles in the jungles.

That's a point.

Now, troops march three and a half miles per hour.

We was not marching, sir. We was staggering.

Better knock something off for that.

I'll make it two and a half miles an hour.

And we were going for four hours.

That means we've come ten miles.

Don't forget we had a diversion.

When? Remember that nasty snake thing.

Well, how much shall I knock off for that?

Well, it was only a little nasty snake thing.

Say, two miles?

We've become eight miles.

What about Gunner Sugden's legs, sir?

His legs?

Well, he couldn't keep up, sir. We had to take our pace from him.

Well, how much shall I knock off for that?

Well, Gunner Sugden's legs is half the size of normal legs, sir.

That means we've come four miles. Oh, don't be absurd, Ash. We've come further

than that.

Now, let me do it.

Now, two and a half, divided by... Don't forget that nasty snake thing. Now

you've put me off. I have to start all over again.

Here.

Do you think we really are lost, Paderewski? Of course we are.

Look at them. They haven't a clue.

Well, they should know. They are the officers.

What's that got to do with it? Well, lions led by donkeys.

Lions led by donkeys.

I like that.

Oh, you're clever, Paderewski. Well, actually, a German general said that

the British Army in the First World War.

We're not really lions, are we?

I mean, I know we're ever so brave and all that stuff, but we're not lions.

How about when they came off that landing craft this morning, dressed as

bears, with all those bangs going on?

That was brave.

You wouldn't find real teddy bears doing that.

That's a point.

How about our peace?

Led by Philistines.

How about poofs led by idiots?

Have you got the answer yet, sir?

Yes, but I don't think it's quite right. Why?

According to my calculations, we travel 2 ,000 miles in four hours.

Why don't we just call up on the radio, sir, and get our position?

No, I'd rather not do that. They'll think we're incompetent.

Where have you been, Mohammed?

Here,

Mohammed, where's the milk?

All milk and sugar finished, Bob.

Oh, this is the limit.

Here we are, stuck in the middle of the jungle, nothing to eat but black pea and

hard -packed biscuits.

Here, did you know, in Nelson's time, the sailors used to knock the biscuits

the table to knock all the weevils out?

Yuck.

I wouldn't mind finding a weevil in my biscuit.

Beggars can't be choosers, you know.

I'm out of luck.

I'll give anything for some good food.

I think I can make your dreams come true, Petal.

What's that?

A homing device.

Old shut -up told me to hide it. He nicked it off the commandos.

What do they use it for?

To get grub.

When you switch it on, it gives out a radio signal and the supply plane homes

on it and drops the grub.

What happens when the commanders want the food?

Don't worry about them. They're used to it.

They get extra go without food money.

They're great, big, tough, hand -picked men. They don't mind.

So as soon as it's daylight, I'll switch it on and we get the drop.

Yeah, just think, fellas, we could get some real scoffer breakfast.

Hey, I wonder what it'll be.

We're bound to get powdered egg.

We might get some real eggs.

They drop those, they break.

I didn't think of that.

Yeah, we might get ten trickle pudding.

Caught in treacle pudding.

Night -night, fellas.

Right,

chaps. This is the little thing that's causing all the trouble.

As you know, our penetration units have been using these for supply drops.

Unfortunately, the Japs have got hold of one of them and we've been dropping

supplies to them.

Now, that's not the idea at all. Oh, no.

So orders have been given that all homing devices will maintain complete

as from first light tomorrow.

So any signals we get will be the Japs.

We will then beam in on them and then tally home.

Instead of getting breakfast, they'll be getting bombs.

Give us one for Gloria, my husband.

Check it up.

Look here.

Here, Gloria.

Thanks, my baby.

Lovely.

Yes.

Did you attend to that little matter, Macintosh?

Aye, Sergeant Major.

Good boy, good boy.

Any minute now, we'll be getting breakfast.

How long's it been on for, Atlas?

About an hour. I switched it on as soon as it was light.

You ready to move off, Sergeant Major?

Oh, well, I think we ought to wait for a bit, sir. I mean, you never know what

can happen.

No, we're moving off now.

Where to, sir?

Oh, that's the point.

Er, Ashford, last night you said you were going to locate the North Star, did

you? Yes, sir, I narrowed it down to two, sir.

One was over there, and one over there.

I think we'd better call up on the radio, sir. Yes, I'm afraid we shall

Get up, Hawkins!

Get off the radio!

Call up GHQ and find out where we are?

Yes, sir.

Why have we got two radios?

Two radios, sir?

Yes, that one and that one.

Well, that one is not a radio, sir.

What is it?

What is it? Well, it's something I borrowed from them commandos, sir.

What's it for?

Sends out a signal for a supply drop.

How dare you steal equipment?

Do you want to say we're going to get some food?

Early minute now, sir.

Well, I don't suppose those commanders will mind going without breakfast?

After all, they're great big tough hand -picked men.

That's what I said, sir.

Shut up.

I'm getting through to GHQ now, sir.

Hello? Hello?

This is the Royal Artillery concert party here.

Over.

Get off the air at once and maintain radio silence.

Over and out.

That was rather rude.

Probably in a bad mood.

I tell you what, we'll wait for the food, and after we've had breakfast,

call them up again.

What's that sound?

That sounds like the fly planes.

They're not jets, are they?

No. No, it's the RAF. I can tell by the engines. Look! There they are, look!

What's that smoking thing coming down on a parachute?

That's us sending the food down ready cooked, sir.

Not enough hot pizza.

Shut up.

Actually, it's a smoke flare. I think they must be sending it down as a

Oh, good.

I'm starving.

I hope we get lots of them.

If I can get anything, they drop, sir.

That's not food.

Turn that off!

Thank you.

The Japanese are yellow with black hair.

Now, if one of us went out into the open who was white with blonde hair, then

the RAF might realise that we're British.

Good idea.

Sergeant Major, who's the whitest man we've got?

Can a sergeant do without a dot?

Sergeant Major!

Shut up!

He'd have to take his clothes off, of course, sir.

Get him off, sergeant. Oh, no.

regulations. Push him out! Push him out! Now?

Yes, now!

Move yourself!

Now show yourself!

I wouldn't be arrested for that.

The most disgusting sight I've ever seen.

Lay your arms about Shudder!

What's the matter with him? He's crawling about on the ground.

Has he been hit?

Looking for something.

What?

The willy's dropped off.

That's that, it is.

Now, as you all know, a short time ago, we came through the jaws of hell.

We were tested to the limit.

But we were not found wanting.

You know, when the gods of war tread on the grapes of wrath, The wine is

inevitably bitter.

We paid heavily for our fortitude, and we suffered the loss of a very dear

friend.

I have to tell you,

Gunner Parkins had his head blown off his ventriloquist's dummy.

Now, I'm sure you'll all agree with me, his dummy, little Jungle Jim, was loved

by us all.

He was a real comrade in arms, and he will be sorely missed.

We've always believed in fair play.

We can take it, and we can dish it out.

But when this ruthless enemy, whose barbarous inhumanity no -no -barns, when

they destroy the teddy bear costumes, and worse still, Dennis Bugden's Mickey

Mouse costume, then we have to say, so far and no further.

Furthermore... Sergeant Major, we were bombed by our own plane.

Never mind, boy.

The Colonel's a lovely talker, isn't he?

Makes you proud to be British.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

With us about, you won't do me so.

We take that cause the boys are here. We're boys to entertain you.

We are here to make you gay.

So give us a cheer with a hey, hey, hey.

Just gather around and put down your gun.

With us about, there's radio fun.

So we take that cause the boys are here. The boys to entertain you.