Original subtitles

Meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey. With songs and sketches and jokes on anew with us about you and

Bill Blue. So meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Boys, the mail is by here. Let's be having you.

Get a clock.

Yes, sir.

Two. Thank you, sir. Get a ravens.

Thank you, sir. Get a la -di -da, Graham.

Thank you, Sergeant Major.

Macintosh. That.

Poverty of Beaumont.

Typewritten. Get a second. Nasty spidery scrawl.

Get a parking.

Beautiful handwriting, that.

I got a parcel for you as well.

Oh, thanks, Sergeant Major.

It's from your ma 'am.

She looks after you well, don't she?

I hope she'll write to her lovely boy.

She's bound to be worried, you know. Oh, yes, sir, yes.

Are there any more for us?

No, there is not.

These are for the officers.

Mail, sir.

Oh. Two for you, sir. Thanks awfully. And a message, sir, from Div HQ.

Thank you.

Ah, this is from Fiona.

She wrote it on Wednesday.

How do you know?

Does she use a different perfume for every day of the week?

No, she does the bathrooms on Wednesday. It's just fluid.

Have you got that parcel open yet, Parky? No.

She's done it up real good.

What do you think is in it, Parkins?

Well, sir, she said in one of her letters that she's going to send me a

cake. It was your birthday four months ago.

Perhaps she missed the post.

It's a cake, all right.

I bet it tastes beautiful.

Your mum's a wonderful cook.

I suspect.

Gone a bit dry.

Oh, it'll be all right.

There's some lumps in it.

Hey, look.

She's written on it, look. On some of the icing.

Most of the pieces are still here, look. Look, look. And an S and an O and a B,

B, Y.

And there's a T and an H and an I and there's an N.

Soppy thin.

Shut up.

Let's go.

Happy birthday, son.

Happy birthday, son.

What a beautiful message. Let's taste it.

We can have a lamp each.

Then we can mix the powder with some custard.

Thanks, Parky.

Sort of, Aja.

Thank you, boy.

Happy birthday four months ago, Parky. Oh, thanks, Gloria.

No, it's your birthday cake, Parky. You had a bit with a pee -pee on it.

Bit dry, innit?

It's been travelling.

You can taste the flavour it would have had.

I've got a bit of icing. Tastes like concrete.

This is the worst cake I've ever had.

It's not that bad. I tell you, it's the worst cake I've ever had. And no -one

can accuse me of being a fussy eater.

Shut up!

You gotta make allowances. You can't put the proper stuff in in wartime. You

gotta use powdered eggs.

Perhaps that's why it's a powdered cake.

My mum's cakes were always terrible.

My dad used to feed them to the ducks and then watch them sink.

You have no right to do that to your mum.

Is that me done? Stop!

Get the men on parade, will you? Come on, move yourself, move yourself!

Get them hats on, double up, double up, or I'll have you sweating round this

camp all day!

That's how far it is.

on parade, sir. Here.

Stand at ease.

I just had a signal from Div HQ.

In three days' time, we're going to have a visit from a BBC mobile radio unit.

Oh.

Apparently, we've been picked to take part in a programme that's going to be

heard best in England.

Did they say what sort of programme it was, sir? No, just that it was to be

broadcast on the home service.

They'll want us to do extracts from the show. It stands out to my eyes. That's

roughly the conclusion I came to myself.

We're given 15 paralysed in minutes.

Just the cream of our best talent.

That's the ticket. Leave them wanting more. Don't you agree, Sergeant Major?

Indeed I do, sir.

Generally speaking, they leave them wanting less.

Yes, well, of course, this is very important, so I'm putting you in charge,

Captain Ashford, and I myself will personally supervise the whole show.

Now, what we have to do is to sit down and decide what we have to do.

Get a men's seat, Sergeant Major.

Sure, I'll get you chairs, Captain Ashford, myself.

Marvellous. You spend months organising and devising a show.

When anything important happens, they want to take charge.

Shut up and pay attention.

Thank you.

Now, what we decide here and now is absolutely vital. We have to select our

best item, the very jewels in our crown, to set before the British public.

Poor devils.

Yeah, I was thinking about the British public, sir. All that blitzing and

bombing and snooking up. I mean, the poor devils deserve something good.

Quite. Now, let's think carefully and honestly. What is our best turn?

My paper terry.

Yeah, it's got to be included. Put it down.

Excuse me, sir.

Did you say this was going to be on the wireless?

That's right, sir.

Paper terry's no good, sir.

You won't see it.

All you'll hear is a lot of rustling.

Yeah, it's quite right, of course.

And it is not our best act.

No, excuse me, sir. My strongman act goes down best for the lad.

He'll like to see me bend a big iron bar.

What's the good of that on the wireless?

I mean, all you get is a lot of grunts and groans.

Of course, sir, there's always Gunner Parkins, ventriloquist.

Very fine term, sir.

Who ever heard of a radio ventriloquist?

Charlie McCarthy?

That's one.

Peter Brough?

That's still only two.

The piano's all right.

Yeah, the piano's all right.

My voice will be all right.

Oh, yes, put down the voice.

Gunner, gunner... Sugden, sir. That's right. Mind you, sir, we won't be

his gestures.

Yeah, and if we can't see what he looks like, I mean, he'll show up all the

flaws in his voice.

Why don't we all turn around and just listen to him? Good idea.

Turn around, everybody.

Sing something, Sugden.

There is a lady sweet and kind Was never faced so pleased

My mind...

Did but see her passing by Yet will I love her

Till I

die Hmm.

What do you think?

Oh, I think it's an improvement, sir.

I mean, when you shows him, he's an handsome six -foot denner.

When you sees him, he's a...

Little fuck mushroom.

I mean, he's known round these parts as the singing coconut.

Let's face it, Ashford, they're just not radio.

I'll get through to GHQ and cancel the visit.

Shut up, shut up, lad. Hang on, sir.

I've got it.

What is radio today?

There are a lot of funny voices and people opening doors and saying...

Can I do you now, sir? And was there something?

And then shutting the doors.

Absolutely right.

Where does that get us?

Don't you see?

It's all part of this brave new world that we're creating at this very moment.

People are opening new doors to themselves all over the place. And then

them again.

Ah, well, that's the tragic side of the mask.

The point, the whole point, the whole philosophic nub is this.

You cannot shut a door unless you open it.

He's talking absolute rubbish, of course.

Yeah, shut up.

I know.

I'll write a show.

Oh, great stuff, Ashford.

It'll be set in the jungle, and it'll be full of funny voices and symbolism.

Oh, fantastic.

I'm going to my basher, I'm going to lock myself in, and I'm not coming out

until I've finished it. Bravo, Ashford. That's how I like to see a man who can

look a problem in the face and do something about it.

Well, there's just one problem that worries me, sir. Oh, what's that one

Well, they does not have no doors in the jungle.

Well, I dare say Astro to get round it somehow or pull down the blinds or

something.

You'll never know just how much I'm missing you.

Artyom, if I give you two cups of my beautiful cha, will you give me a small

plate of your beautiful Chinese scuff?

Yesterday, you told me I make my chop suey by boiling old mattress belonging

Cooley.

Yesterday, I'm not hungry.

Please, you tell me, when Parkey says bad things about his mummy, why does

Sergeant Major get his knickers in a twint?

Ah, it all happened many years ago, when Sergeant Major is rookie.

He's meeting Parke's mummy in Colchester.

Colchester? What is Colchester?

It is a beautiful hill station, like Pune.

One night, there is a big ball in Palace de Dan.

It is like a beautiful temple.

There, the sergeant -major is up, and Parke's mummy dances every dance.

And the moon is shining, and the stars are out.

And it was, oi, oi, oi.

How? How you know about this?

Sergeant Major tell me himself.

When he was drinking much pagal pani.

Ah, so on his way home, he fell in love with Paki Mummy.

Yes, he fall in love.

Oh, it happened like flash of lightning in doorway of home and colonial.

And he was... crying out with joy and his knees are trembling.

And that night, with parky mummy, he think he become parky daddy.

Sergeant Major say parky daddy.

I think we are from the east. We all know who is mummy.

But who is daddy?

In Burma, we have a saying.

Kung na thang kung chai.

What is it meaning?

It means Chinese mummy daddy bear Chinese baby.

Burmese mummy daddy bear Burmese baby.

This is very true.

In India, we also have saying.

What meaning that?

This means eunuchs are not born. They are made.

You said the sweetest thing, baby.

Right, my lovely boys.

It's half a day to make them dolls as we see them.

As one, Sergeant Major.

Let's have a look then.

Mama dear, come right here.

You call that a doll?

Park, you made most of it.

I call it a masterpiece.

Well done, lovely boy.

That's the best door this side of Calcutta.

Because it's the only door this side of Calcutta.

Right, Mr. Naughty Dog and Graham, let's see what you've done.

This is it, Sir Major.

Oh, yes.

I suppose this is the sort of door we have in Oxford and Cambridge for them

scholars to come crawling through on their hands and knees wagging their

behind them, is it?

Something like that, Sergeant Major.

Something like that, Sergeant Major.

Sergeant Major, it's only for sound effect.

Shut up!

Have a look at the door that that boy has made and hang your heads in shame.

He did not never have no education, not never.

Except a bit of common sense and his own two bare little hands.

A chip off the old block, that's what he is.

Made it portable as well.

Put it together again, Parkins.

If they don't like it, they can take a running jump at themselves.

And a sudden, what is that?

It's the door.

Who thought fairies?

It's not for going through, it's for listening to.

I bet my door sounds just as good as those two.

What's going on, Sir Minimum? The man has made the door start, instructed by

Captain Hashwood.

It's for the sound effects, Free Sailor. Shut up!

It's for the sound effects, what he shows.

And I'd better have a listen. I'll turn my back.

Right. Door number one, gonna ground.

Door number two, gonna sudden.

Ow!

That's not me thumb.

Shut up.

Door number three, sir, gonna parking.

There is no doubt in my mind, sir, that, um...

Gunner Parkins will be the best door.

When he's got it through his teeth in trouble.

Yes, sir.

I've just got to get it together.

Ciao, lads. Grum chai.

Lovely hard chai.

Most excellent cake is for Anastas.

That's it? That's the one.

We'll use that one. Ciao, lads. Can we borrow your cake box for the sound

effects? Most honoured, Gunner Parkins. Special price, two anas per slanta.

I've done it, sir. I've finished.

It's all here. Well done, Ashford. Come on, chaps, we'll try it out now.

I'm so excited I can hardly speak.

I'm the Grand Sommelier.

I'm the Grand Bombardier.

Now, when I sat down to write this, I had to ask myself a question.

I said to myself, what is the one essential ingredient that a radio script

have? Do you know what the answer was?

Words.

But apart from that...

It has to have a position in space and time. I wouldn't have thought of that,

would you, fellas?

The time is now, the space is here, and it's about chaps and the frightfully

amusing things that happen to them.

I've called it Jungle Japes. Jungle Japes.

Absolutely first -class.

Now, the chaps are ordinary chaps, just like us, only much more exaggerated.

Oh, and it's all mad and funny. Ah, well... What do you think, chaps?

Yes, I agree. Absolutely.

Well, you be in charge and we start rehearsals right away.

We've got to act and do it the positive way.

Everything all right? Yes, Colonel. We're ready to go.

Where's the producer?

I don't know. I'm a bit worried.

We're due on the air in half an hour. Yes, well, we don't want to waste any

time. Let's have a quick run through before we get there.

Right, chaps.

Places.

Go. Jungle Jakes are on the air. We're never a worry and never a care.

We've lots of wheezes and stacks of jokes.

They come and meet us, we're real nice folks.

Yes, once more, it's Jungle Jakes.

Fooling about tonight are Colonel Pot and Captain Kettle.

I say, Kettle, do you like my Greek herb? What's a Greek herb, Pot?

about five pounds a week.

And that disparate, dunderhead disciplinarian, Sergeant Major

Be quiet, be quiet, be quiet!

Acting the giddy goat as usual, Bombardier Pansy Withers.

Oh, it's such a scream!

And not forgetting that voice in a million, the voice of Gunnar Lofty

I bring along a smile and a song for everyone.

Only a rose for you.

To sit back for a sizzling side -splitting session of...

Who's this opening the door of the battery office?

It's old Sergeant Major Bullshine.

Be quiet, be quiet, be quiet!

Good morning, Sergeant Major Bullshine.

Was there anything?

Yes, sir.

Bombardier Pansy Withers has got a complaint.

We'll tell him to report thick.

No, sir. He wants to charge two men.

Oh, be quiet, be quiet, be quiet!

Oh, it's such a scream!

What's the charge, Bombardier Withers?

A gun of McTavish and Smith whistled at me, sir.

Get the men.

To save yourselves, Gunner MacTavish.

Excuse me just a minute. Sorry

to interrupt.

Dennis Forbes -Dobson, BBC.

Ah, you're the producer. That's right, yes.

It's going to be very much longer. I've got a broadcast to do in a few minutes.

Yes, I know. I've just been having a run through. Do you like it?

I don't see that that's any concern of mine.

But you're the producer.

Oh, I see.

You mean to expect to do that stuff on the air? Yes, of course. Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry, no. I mean, I like it.

Like it enormously. It has a youthful ebullience, but no.

I've worked for days on this script.

I'm sorry.

Someone's put up a bit of a black.

You see, all I'm doing is a record request show.

Two Way Force is famous.

Yes, the reason we're here is that Mrs.

Parkins in Colchester is sending greetings to one of the chaps in this

My mum!

My...

He's a very fine woman, so I'm told.

You mean we're not going to sing or do our joke?

No. Why not?

Well, this is a tricky one.

I'm going to have to put on my producer's hat.

You see, I'm afraid your voice is, um... What's the matter with my voice?

Well, it, um, it gives the impression that you're, uh... Puff, sir.

I didn't say that.

I did not say that.

It's just that the BBC have a very strict code and will not allow any jokes

refer to people who are, uh... Poor sir.

Can't we just sing?

I mean, we don't have to do this rubbish.

Rubbish? Rubbish? You beastly little man!

I spent three days and nights non -stop with that script.

The BBC are quite right about your voice.

Silly on. Silly on, Ashford. After all, you said it had a youthful ebullience.

So's my Aunt Fanny.

Yes, we're playing the record of I'll Be Seeing You. Oh, really?

We did that one in the show.

The record has Vera Lynn singing it.

I dress up as Vera Lynn.

I don't have to dress up as Vera Lynn.

I could do it an octave lower. Yes, I think we'll stick to the record if you

don't mind. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of work to do. Donna

Parkins, you'd better decide what you're going to say to your mother.

What are you going to say, Parky?

I shouldn't mention the cake.

I only hope when the time comes I don't get too tongue -tied. I should write it

down for you.

Good idea.

Fancy not letting us sing. We've got all this live talent and he wants to put on

a crummy record.

Just think, my auntie in Cleethorpes might have heard my singing.

You're just jealousy.

Oh, don't be absurd.

Dennis is the man of taste and discernment.

Oh, it's Dennis, is it now?

You university types will stick together.

And you can't get through the BBC door unless you've been to university or

public school.

Yeah.

Look at Stymus Stephen.

I don't think he went to university.

Well, it's always going on about them semi -colons.

Oh, Sergeant Major, stop. What heavenly joy.

Very soon you'll be hearing the sweet tone of Parkey's mummy.

The love of your life.

I told you that.

You told me that.

One night when you were drunk with Pagalpani.

You told anybody else about this?

No, sir, I swear.

You better not.

Otherwise I'll stick your head in that charron and turn it up on.

Shall I go and ask Parkey if he can send greetings to his mummy?

No.

No.

That was 20 years ago now.

She won't remember me after all that time.

Ships that pass in the night.

Who meant colonial is a ship sub?

Go away.

Now, Parkins, stand here.

Yes, sir. Have you decided what you're going to say?

Oh, yes, sir. I've written it all down.

Ah, good.

Are you sure you don't want us to sing?

Will you get out of my way, please?

Ready, George?

Yep. One minute to go.

Quiet, everybody.

Complete silence.

I'll just inform Colonel Reynolds, sir.

Cut a round, sir! We're on the air!

Shut up!

Stand by.

Stand by?

For our next request, we go over to South East Asia Command, somewhere in

where Dennis Forbes Dobson is waiting to greet us.

Are you there, Dennis?

Yes, I'm here, Charles.

I'm standing in a jungle clearing with a bunch of tommies.

They are hot, they are weary, but are they downhearted?

No. Beside me now is Gunner Parkins with a message for his mother in Colchester.

Is she there, Charles?

Yes, she's here, Dennis.

Go ahead, Gunner Parkins.

Hello, Mum.

This is your son, Nigel.

I think about you a lot.

Thank you for the cake. It was smashing.

Me and the boys all had a bit.

It made quite a change.

Give my regards to all at number 41, Uncle George, Aunt Mabel, Winnie,

Harry, Fred, ooh, and not forgetting the parrot.

See you soon, I hope. Oh, yeah.

It ain't half hot, Mum.

And now, to give a message to her son, here is Mrs Parkins.

Hello, son.

This is your mum.

We're all...

And that goes for Uncle George, Aunt Mabel, Winnie, Harry, Fred,

and not forgetting the parrot.

I miss you a lot, but I know you are in good hands because you always tell me in

your letters about your Sergeant Major and how he looks after you.

Thank you, Mrs. Parkins. And now, here is your request.

Are they seeing you, son?

We were on top of the pile a moment ago. I saw it. Well, it's not here now.

We can sing it. We can sing it. Are you still with us, Dennis?

Oh, all right. Oh, you.

Come on, fellas. Yes,

I'm still here. Charles, a slight technical hitch, I'm afraid.

I'll be seeing you won't be sung by Vera Lynn, but by the Royal Artillery

Concert Party.

How jolly.

Now, would you like to sign off and say goodbye to your son, Mrs.

Parkins? Well, good...

Tell him to think of me when he hears the words of this song.

I'll be seeing you In all the old familiar

places That my heart and mind embraces All day

through In a small cafe

The sun across the way, the children's carousel,

the chestnut tree, the wishing well.

I'll be seeing you in every lovely summer's

day, in everything that light and day.

B -O -Y -S Voice to entertain you!