Original subtitles

Meet the Gang Con, the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raving the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and catches and jokes on and you. With us to bounce, you and Bill

Blues. So meet the Gang Con, the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

fellas, once more, let's take it from the top, and one, two, three, four.

Woo, woo!

One, two, three, four. Woo, woo!

Woo, woo, woo, woo, choo, choo, choo, choo, wee!

Pardon me, boys.

Woo, woo!

That's the Chattanooga choo -choo. Woo, woo!

Track 29.

Woo, woo!

Well, you can give me a shine.

Diddly -bum, diddly -bum, diddly -bum!

Woo,

woo!

Let's concentrate.

There is not a woo -woo there.

It's a diddly -bum.

Now, look at your words. They're lofty. You're doing very nicely.

Well, but your bowman's quite a tart, isn't he? He's making them do it again.

Well, they keep getting their woo -woos mixed up with their diddly -bums.

Easily done, I suppose.

Anyway, helps keep their mind off the japs lurking in the undergrowth.

Do you want another card, sir?

No, I'll stick.

Play 19.

Dashed, I've lost again.

And he does pray a bit unusual, sir. Not many people stick on 14.

All right, kids, take 10. Go and get your doobie.

Hey, Gloria.

This is no doobie war.

No, sir.

Other doobie -walla go into jungle to a small village.

That's the problem with these people.

They're not reliable.

He's not reliable, sir. But he's frightened of salantide Japanese yellow

who rush out of bushes, waving sword and shouting, Banzai!

Yes, Sergeant Major.

They seem to be getting much closer.

Last night you could hear nothing but jacked voices before the wireless went

a blink.

Ah, well, you don't have to worry about that. In a parking, the old wireless

plays funny tricks, you know.

Matt Dovey wasn't listening to the wireless.

He was listening to his instinct.

He just ran.

Shut up.

Well, he's jolly rotten at his job. Look what he's done to my tunic.

Your clean laundry, sir. Thank you, Park.

I see it's a bit thick.

What are you complaining about now, Ashford?

Well, look.

Did you ask them to do it like that?

No, of course not.

Well, go for a walk in those and you'll cut your head off.

That sounds like a jeep approaching, sir. Well, that's unusual this time of

evening.

Nobody cares about my trousers.

They don't look careful with their trousers. Oh, don't go on, Ashford.

Get on parade! What in the name of hell are you lot doing here?

How do you do, sir? I'm Reynolds, this is Ashford, with the Royal Artillery

Counterparty. We give shows to the chaps in rest areas. Rest areas? What do you

call a rest area?

Well, they're usually 10 or 20 miles behind the forward position.

You'll be off the mark this time. You're about 12 hours in front of the forward

position.

What do you mean?

All right, chaps, gather round. I'll show you.

This afternoon, the Japs made a pincer movement.

North, then south, like this.

They took our chaps unawares, so in a couple of hours they were able to close

the gap.

So, you see how the position is?

It looks like a Christmas pudding, profoundly.

And you lot are the flappity bit in the middle.

Gee, that's Mr. Rounded.

The Japs have used their pincers.

And we're all going to die.

Shut up.

Why didn't you withdraw at the same time as the others? Didn't you get a message

over the radio?

We got no message, sir. And a Parkinson charged the wireless, sir. Very reliable

man. We got no message and a Parkinson, did we?

No, Sergeant Major.

They came on here and said something and then they went off.

They said something like rhubarb.

Rhubarb? But that's a code word to put the withdrawal plan into operation.

You blithering idiot. Why didn't you tell me they said rhubarb?

I didn't think it was important, sir.

I just thought it was about food.

My customers.

Shut up!

I think it's a mistake anybody could make, sir. I mean, headquarters is

impartially to blame for thinking up such a daft code word. I thought of the

code word.

Let's go now.

Let's not bother to pack. Let's just go. I've already too late. Every path to

the west is thick with them.

Well, what are we going to do? Do?

Don't you realise, man, you've got a golden opportunity?

The Jap advance is only temporary. We shall counterattack in a couple of days

and we shall wipe them right out. In the meantime, you could wreak havoc behind

their lines.

By Jove, could we really?

Of course.

First go to ground, lie low, merge into the background, and then when the moment

is right, give the Jap the jitters.

Hit him where it hurts and run away.

A chance to see a bit of action, sir? Of course. You've got your guns. I'll

leave you plenty of explosives. But give them a couple of paces. Stop!

Now, when it's light, make towards the Mingtong Bridge. There.

We'll drive the Japs that way, and with any luck, you'll be in the thick of it.

Ah.

Good share.

Keep a 24 -hour watch on the radio. If you hear the code word FISH, blow up the

bridge. Then you'll have them like rats in a trap. Will we?

Good. But if they break out, then our chaps are going to need the bridge to

outflank them. In that case, I'll send the word chips.

And in that case, leave the bridge alone.

But I'm afraid if that happens, you won't be seeing any chaps. Oh, what a

Well, I must be off. Good luck.

Oh, thanks, Alfie.

And don't forget, fish blow up the bridge.

Chips leave the bridge alone.

Goodbye.

Right, well, remember that.

Fish. Blow up the bridge.

Chips. Leave the bridge alone.

Do you hear what he said?

We're going to be in the thick of it.

Us, artists, we're like lambs to the slaughter.

We're not qualified, we're not trained.

We're just creative, sensible people.

And we're going to be used as so much cannon fodder. Shut up!

Fall out and get your rifles ready from this place in two minutes. Move

yourself, move yourself.

Get a mark into our ship.

Issue one hundred rounds of ammunition per man.

No smoking.

Put the fire out.

No raised voices.

Colonel Clark at the gate.

Colonel Evans, patrol the path.

Two hundred yards to the north.

Colonel Graham, two hundred yards to the west.

On the approach of the enemy, you will not repeat, not open fire. We'll double

back here. Move yourselves!

Colonel's up!

Colonel's up!

Oh, bop -re -bop!

Japanese are searching all villages for British soldier boys. Hide, everybody!

Take something to think like a man.

I'm not a man.

I'm an actor.

Where shall I hide, Sergeant Major?

I'll pull you some together.

Well, we've got to make a plan.

They're not shooting Indians.

If you be Indians, you'll be okay, I think.

You may have a point there, I should. We cannot look in the least bit like

Indians. Especially him. Quite right.

I have got all the village clothes from Dhobiwala on cart and road.

You put them on instead of your uniform, you'll be Indians pretty damn quick.

Excuse me, sir.

If we're captured and we're not in uniform, we'll all be shot as spies.

That's a good point. On the other hand, who wants to be taken prisoner?

I don't want to be took a prisoner.

That side of the globe's awful.

All I want to do is to entertain the world.

Make them laugh.

Make them cry.

Make them forget their cares and worries for just a few short minutes.

What happened?

I wake up one morning and I'm out of blood.

Shut up, you, and keep quiet.

Colonel's up.

Japs here are pretty damn quick. You can run away, or you can turn into Indian,

or you can fight and turn into dead. But you must choose now.

What do you think, Ashford?

I think we should have to become Indians, sir.

At least that way we stand a chance. Yes, I think you're right. Sergeant

turn the men into Indians, would you please?

Right. Fall in outside by the door before you move yourselves.

Hail, hands I loved, beside the shalima.

Well,

where is they, then?

They're still putting on dhotis from Dhobiwala Bundle out there, sir.

But stick them fine shoulders forward.

Indians does not have fine shoulders like that.

And as for you, Mr. Naughty Dog and Graham, you makes a much better Gandhi

you deserve.

There weren't enough dotis to go round, so I thought somebody had better wear a

sari, and I thought it better be me.

I say, you look absolutely first class. Now, don't salute. You spoil the whole

thing.

You spares have all that dandium done.

I don't know what a stick is, sir.

But it looks awful.

A trawler!

What's he supposed to do with all that down there?

Pick it up over your shoulder, sir.

Of course. Do that, Sergeant Major.

Well, what do you think?

Well, there's something not quite right.

Don't you agree, Sergeant Major?

The hat, sir.

Get rid of the hat.

Traveller, you're the expert. How do we all look?

Absolutely top hole, Colonel, sir. As long as nobody sees you.

What are you talking about?

What's here, sir?

Japanese are coming, sir.

Quick! Turn the place into a nasty village.

You two squat down over there. You two over there have a little chat.

Right. You make the parties.

You fan the fire.

Are you going to go in your bed and hide and cover yourself up?

I feel a bit spare standing around like this.

Use your imagination. Come over here, Senor Brando. Write a nice Indian

Right, I'll pretend to be your wife. Do a bit of housework, right?

Good heavens.

I'm not having a steric.

Oh, it would be wonderful if I'm not having a steric. Shut up!

Stop. It is only... Dhobiwala coming back.

Both alarm, everybody, the Dhobiwala.

Never mind. It was a very good practice.

Well done, Babadir. You were very good indeed.

There is much trouble and bother.

Japanese soldier come, and all the men who work for Dhobiwala have run away

jungle. Let's have a look on him in a minute.

But, sir, he has got this great big bundles of dirty Dhobi.

which must be made all clean and threadbare.

Well, it serves you right, but I'm in such a jittery style after it.

You don't understand, Sergeant Major, sir. All this is Japanese soldiers'

clothes that must be clean washed by morning.

That's the Japanese soup washing.

Hear that, sir?

Those junk uniforms.

Come on, lads, let's turn up the sweat. Sergeant Major, sir,

he says Japanese soldiers will be very angry and kill him.

Why don't you run away into the jungle like his workers, can't he?

Hang on a minute, Sergeant Major.

What happens if the Japs don't get their doobie back and do a spot of

investigating? I think Gunner Graham's got a point. Our brief is to lie low.

I don't know where it hurts, sir, and it will definitely hurt them if we chase

up their doobie and then shoot some. No, no, no. We've got a very good cover

here. We must lie low until we're needed.

Leave those things alone.

Colonel, sir, tomorrow morning Japs come for a nice clean dhobi and when it is

not there, he gets pretty damn angry and look for dhobiwala.

Come or other, the laundry will have to be done when they come for it. Where's

the nearest dhobiwala?

All gone into the jungle club.

Now, it is a problem because this stuff must be ironed and washed before

tomorrow morning.

If there's no dhobiwala, sir, it's just not possible.

There's no such word as impossible.

You will have to do it, Sergeant Mitchell.

It's me, sir.

I do the job laundry. Well, not you personally, but you will have to get it

done.

I've been a soldier for 25 years, sir.

They is the enemy.

King Gregory says clearly state you will not do the enemy's washing.

I'm sorry, Sergeant Major, there's nothing else for it. We must not be

discovered.

Oh, Mr. Wu.

I... What?

You're Dobie.

On the command, Dobie.

You will swing your Dobie over your shoulder, bring it hard down on your

giving a hiss through the teeth at the same time. Like this.

Dobie!

Dobie!

Dobie!

Any questions?

Yes. You have to do it so hard because you're splashing me all over. Shut up!

Shut up!

Dobie!

The sergeant mate really is a first -rate chap. He can turn his hand to

absolutely anything.

Oh, yes. The salt of the earth, these warrant officers, you know. He seems to

have made the men look less white.

Oh, yes, sir. He's had them put tea on themselves.

Very strong tea.

Oh, did he really?

That'll explain why you've got tea leaves in your left ear.

What did you do in the war, Daddy?

Oh, I was in Burma, son.

Did you kill many Japanese?

No. I did the laundry.

I'm telling you.

What shall I do?

I've got the time to lime out Chinese laundry blue.

Clark! Shut up!

The Japanese might do it. You and Indian Dobie Wallace do not sing George Forby

songs.

Beg your pardon, it does not seem quite right, Samuel, for us British soldiers

to be doing so much for them Japs without getting our own back in some

Could we not, for instance, sprinkle a bit of hitching powder on their

I'm sorry, Sergeant Major. Not unless we know we're leaving within 24 hours.

Here's a hot wine.

Thank you.

Well, whatever you do, don't use the iron while it's too hot. Look what

to Nosher.

Get properly ready. Move yourself. Move yourself.

Come on, come on, come on. Stop, Robert E. My Jove, you all look fantastic.

Fantastic.

Except him.

What do you tell?

Afternoon, sir.

Yes, Reynolds, I do, yes.

Yes, good to see you. Well, I've got marvellous news for you. We are going to

attack at dawn tomorrow.

Division know about you, and believe me, they are very excited to know that you

are behind the chap lines, ready to do or die.

Now, your plans are to proceed half a mile upstream to the river, here.

When you get there, they will build a raft for the explosives.

And when you hear the signal, you all know what the signal is?

Fish. All right.

And when you get the signal, fish, you know what to do?

Blow up the bridge.

Floor the bridge.

Correct.

Swim the raft under the support and activate the time fuse. Well, nothing

be simpler, could it? So we does not have to carry out this operation

as Indians, have we? Good point, no. You may resume your role as British

soldiers forthwith.

Thank heavens for that.

Good luck and good hunting.

And believe me, you are doing a first -class job.

Thank you, sir.

Just one other thing.

Birch. Sir.

Give this a rub through, will you? Not too much starch.

Keep that pumper going, it's damned hot.

I think the sergeant major's coming back off patrol, sir. Right.

Give him the OK sign.

at the raft in the river, sir, and one of us could paddle upstream unobserved.

Good. Hurry up with that raft, Bombardier.

I'm doing my best.

I mean, nobody trained me for this sort of thing, did they? I mean, I've plenty

of slope arms and abouts and all that sort of rubbish, but nobody said

Shut up!

The explosive is packed right in the middle of the raft.

Now, I suggest we don't attach the fuse until the last possible moment.

A last possible moment.

Let me tell you, Mr. Lardy Dark Gunner, Graham, I does not need you to tell me

how to set a fuse. Get out of it!

Excuse me, Sergeant Major.

They're sending a code word.

Fish.

We'd better proceed to the river, sir.

Yes. Good.

And give the orders, everyone.

Certainly, sir.

Carry on, Sergeant Major.

Right. Pay attention.

Pick up the raft. Proceed in single file. No noise. Remember, you is now in

enemy territory.

Behind every tree there could be a zap.

Maybe they might declare peace in the next few minutes, eh?

That won't help you, Gloria. We don't have a code word for peace declared.

Right.

See that bend under the arms away?

Around the corner, just behind it, is the bridge.

All we need is somebody to paddle that raft up there and wedge it in the

supports. I was not going to call the volunteers, because I know full well you

will all volunteer.

Why not give it a try, just in case there are one or two of us that

I am not calling for volunteers to perform this brave deed.

Shugdon, you will have the honour.

Because she was near as the water.

Float around.

Gently now.

No noise.

You go, Sunder.

Why is tears running down your cheeks?

There's a fish biting at my little toe.

Oh,

that's better. It's stopped.

Obviously the fish has taste.

I just wedge the raft in the supports, pull the pin out of the fuse, and swim

away.

Not too slowly.

Off you go.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Good luck.

I shan't forget this gunner.

Go ahead.

Sucked in, sir.

Right.

All round defensive positions.

When that charge explodes, them Japs is going to get very cross.

Blimey.

Excuse me, sir.

HQ are sending the code word, chips.

Leave the bridge alone.

Shall I call up the back?

Yes, right away.

Not that way.

That way.

What do you mean?

Well, you cannot shout, Bomadier. The Japs will hear.

Right. So when you get, you've got a friend with you.

You need to do him personal.

Are you mad?

You just volunteered.

I didn't volunteer. I didn't volunteer for nothing.

Well, I said, what? Shall I go after him? I didn't say, shall I whisper in

ear, oh?

Get in the water.

What's that say to him?

Leave the bridge alone.

Excuse me, sir.

They're sending another message.

Temporary setback.

We are retreating.

Fish.

Mark it, Josh.

Overtake the bombardier. Tell him to cancel his instructions. Then tell

to obey his original orders.

Go on.

and make up their blasted minds.

What is it this time?

Pickled onions.

There's no such thing as that.

What are you making it out of?

Maybe somebody wants some pickled onions.

Joey, Joey, Joey. Hello, Sunray, Joey, Joey.

Joey, Joey.

That's us, sir.

Do we ignore the fish or the chips?

The last one was chips.

No, Sergeant Major.

Lofty was fish, blow up the bridge.

The bombardier was chips, leave the bridge alone.

Atlas was fish, blow up the bridge.

Well, if we're cancelling fish, it must mean we're doing chips.

Leave the bridge alone.

Clark. Sir.

Get in there, overtake Atlas, tell him to cancel his order.

Tell the bombardier he was right and Lofty's wrong.

Blow up the bridge. No. Oh, leave the bridge alone.

Got it.

Send a message to HQ.

Tell them what we're doing and ask them for a clarification of the situation

regarding the status quo.

They gave an order, then they countermanded it. Then they cancelled

alteration to the plan and reaffirmed the first instruction.

And then they confirmed the countermand of the original order.

Don't you agree, Ashford?

Trust about, sir.

I wish somebody would make up their minds.

First of all, it's blow out the bridge, then leave the bridge alone, then blow

out the bridge again.

Yeah, and then it's leave the bridge alone again.

It's like having Mr. Martin Dixie out in that river.

That was because nobody overtook me.

So we had to leave the bridge alone and run in, followed by a blow -up. And

Lofty, you couldn't stop Lofty at all. He just kept going.

the things that come out.

He wasn't a big man in height.

His art was the art of a giant.

If he was in trouble, you could go to him.

He'd give you a smile.

Maybe a song.

Because he had a beautiful voice.

What could bring tears to the eyes of them?

Like that sort of thing.

Most important, he was a man.

A very big one.

A man.

May his soul rest.

What are you doing here, you little person?

Who's that? You are!

I thought for one awful moment that you'd blown up the bridge.

The enemy is in full retreat, and our chaps are using the bridge to encircle

them. The chaps won't be coming this way, I'm afraid.

Oh, isn't that a shame?

Oh, isn't that a shame?

The chaps won't be coming this way. Shut up!

Natasha!

Hope to see your show sometime.

So long.

Fine chaps, eh, Asher? Colonel, sir!

Sergeant Major, sir! Where the hell have you been? Where's your ruddy char and

I'm parched?

I've been making up wages for you old thugs.

Hey, what's all this then? It's money.

Two rupees.

And we've all got two rupees.

What's all this about, Charwala?

That is from Japanese shops. That is the money for the dobi. And they say they

are most pleased, and it is done very well.

And can you do some more next week, please?

This don't seem quite right.

What's the matter, Sergeant Manor?

I've only got two rupees, same as the man.

Thank you.

B -O -Y -S boys to entertain you!