Original subtitles

Meet the gang, cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way, to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes shown anew, without a doubt, you must feel

blue. So meet the gang, cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Chawalai, gram chai.

Jolly hot chai, sir, for you.

Thank you.

For you, sir.

Last order for half price chai, sir. Only one anna for a beautiful hot piala.

Don't bother, fellas. It's disgusting.

How dare you be saying my chai is disgusting?

Do you know, I once heard it said that there's nothing in this world that

somebody can't make a bit cheaper and a bit nastier.

But, Roski, sir, I'm a top -class chawalai, and nobody can make chai

nastier than me.

See you, Gloria. There's still no sign of Nobby and Atlas.

They're not going to be for it when they get back.

The Sergeant Major will go mad, like he did when he found that little bug down

my rifle barrel.

He wasn't mad about the little bug, Lofty. It was the fact that it had made

nest and had babies.

Heavens, it's hot.

That damn punk -a -waller's dropped off to sleep again.

Punk -a -waller?

Punk -a -waller! Oh, punk -a -career, Judy.

He's a damn rotten punkawalla. How much do we pay him? I'm justifying you.

Sergeant Major.

Could I trouble you a minute?

By all means, sir.

How much do we pay the punkawalla?

Three rupees a week, sir.

Let's see, that's about four and six, isn't it?

That's correct, sir.

Doesn't seem very much, does it?

Or would you give him a ride?

Say, one more rupee?

What do you think, Sergeant Major?

Won't stop him falling asleep, sir. No, true.

Besides, if we give one a rise, they'll all want it.

We've only got one.

You must decide the point, Ashford. A thing like that can interfere with the

whole structure of Indian society.

Any sign of the two missing chaps?

No, sir.

I expect they's drunk in the village.

And if I may suggest it, sir, I do not consider we should issue no more free

passes and we should put Tin Fuck Village out of bounds.

What do you think, Ashford?

It doesn't seem very fair on the others. I mean, after all, it does help to

break the monotony and keep up morale.

Well, on the other hand, sir, there's nothing much down there to amuse them.

There's no pubs, fish and chip shops, cinemas.

Well, those are bizarre.

Oh, and that temple thing, the Temple of Sport.

Temple of Sport?

Yes, you remember, sir. It's got all those little carvings all over it.

You've seen it, Sergeant Major.

As it was explained to me, sir, it's not exactly a temple of sport.

Then why does it have all those jolly little figures of men wrestling and

playing leapfrog and so forth?

They weren't all men, actually.

Half of them was women, sir.

More than half.

Don't be ridiculous. I mean, you don't have men wrestling with... You don't

mean... You can't mean... Surely they don't have a temple for that.

Well, they have a temple for most things.

The absolute boundless.

Look here, Gloria.

Norby and Atlas, they're coming down the park.

Well, don't get all shut up. Perhaps we can sneak them in. There's two MPs with

them. We can't sneak them in.

Permission to fall out and deal with the absentee, sir. Yes, sir. Please carry

on, sir. Start to the guard!

You, Galla Macintosh, and you, Galla Clark, is under arrest.

He is already under arrest.

With him? Shut up!

Right, here are the charges.

The headman will be here at 8 .30 tomorrow as a witness.

Here's the evidence.

Good luck with them.

And the big one won't give you much trouble, but watch out for the short,

one.

What was he going on about me for? I wasn't even there.

Shut up!

Countess Graham and Evans, prison escort, fall in. Move yourselves.

Now, what have you got to say for yourselves?

I've got a rotten head. Shut up!

And you?

I love a lassie.

A bonnie black madrassie. Shut up!

There is one thing, Sergeant Major.

We don't have a guard room.

Are you talking about it or not?

Hold that.

I've stumped him. For the first time, I've stumped him.

Who is it?

Sergeant Major Williams, sir. Can I have a word?

What's the matter, Sergeant Major?

You were best turning in earlier.

It was the prisoner, sir.

They should be placed in the cooler, but we does not have one.

No, and if we did, I'd be sleeping in it.

Why should you be sleeping in the guardroom?

He said cooler, sir. It was a joke.

Well, this time of night.

Can't they go back to their charpoys?

Beg your pardon, sir. They must not mix with the other men. Bad for discipline.

Besides which, sir, they might run away.

What do you suggest, Sergeant Maynard?

Well, sir, if you would give me your permission, I would tie them up with

and such like.

If I did that, sir, they would never get away.

Better not, Sergeant Major. People make such a fuss nowadays.

Ashford, what course do you think we should take?

I think we should leave it to the Sergeant Major's discretion.

Yes. Sergeant Major, we'll leave it to your discretion.

Good night.

Thank you very much, sir.

Thank you very...

Good boy, very alert. The rest of you, pay attention.

If they so much as put one toe out of that, shoot them.

Understand?

Yes, Sergeant Major. Good, carry on.

Oh, there is one thing, Sergeant Major, just before you kick down for the night.

You haven't drawn them a door.

I have not drawn them a door because they will not need a door.

Well, in that case, would you mind drawing them a little boy's room?

With the drunken sailor, what shall we do? With the drunken sailor, what shall

we do? This is absolutely disgraceful. I've never seen so many charges.

Drunk, absent without leave, disobeying anti -malaria orders by being out after

sundown with fleas rolled up.

Now, that's very serious.

Resisting arrest, insulting an NCO, being in an area declared out of bounds

wit one temple, willful damage to property, to wit.

One religious statue male.

We have the statue, haven't we? Is there one, sir?

I can't see where it's damaged.

Bottom is broken some.

Sit.

Oh.

They knocked it off, sir.

There, sir.

There,

sir. What have you got to say for yourselves?

Could we have a drink of water, please? No, you can't!

I didn't resist arrest, sir. No, we didn't resist arrest, sir. It's quite

to hear that you did.

If I'd have resisted that, we'd run away to kill them.

Shut up! You will not use coarse language in front of officers.

Let him go on, sir. We didn't know it was a male religious statue.

It doesn't look very religious.

For that matter, it doesn't look very male either.

You shut up.

Sir, if you stand outside for 2 ,000 years, your face won't be seen.

No, no, so many things affect you.

The rain of thieves.

Yes, sir. He said you would not look very religious if you were standing in

temple for 2000 years. In the rain and in the wind.

And the birds.

Sir, this statue was very beautiful and very manly.

But one day, God got angry and sent such a rain, which washed so much water,

washed so much water, washed so much water, cleaned the statue completely.

Then he said, stay here, not there.

What a nasty gang on about.

He said this statue was very beautiful and very amazing. One day gods were

with village and sent great storm which washed and washed and washed and make

statue very clean. But neither one thing or the other.

Most of all, the people were very angry and wanted to beat the British for being

in the temple of love.

Yes, well, obviously you behave like absolute beasts and make complete fools

yourselves. So 28 days CB, and from now on, tin fuck is out of bounds.

Dismiss, Sergeant Major. Where did that go? Dismiss!

Now you get back to your billies and don't sleep about it, madam.

That's lovely, isn't it?

You give those two 28 days CB, and he puts the village out of bounds for all

We could use the other village, Minfon. Oh, yes, you can have a high old time at

the Minfon Bazaar.

It's all flies and funny smells.

It's quite obvious he's put out the most awful black in that village, and

something's got to be done to smooth it all over.

First thing, of course, is to return their statue thing.

I'll take it back personal, sir. Have a parley with you, Edmund.

I've got a sort of knack of talking to these native wallets.

Get on with that punter in your prize -eating book.

I think, on the whole, we'd better send an officer.

Ashwood, you'd better take the statue back.

Oh, yes, sir.

Now, can you think of any other way we might hold out the olive branch, so to

speak, in order to improve relations?

Perhaps we ought to find out who are the top chaps in the village and give them

a cocktail party.

I don't think that's a very good idea, Ashwood.

Most of them don't drink, sir.

Precisely. It would mean having them all up here.

How about a brain's trust?

Well, since we don't speak their language and they don't speak ours, I

think it'll be all that too easy, you know.

But we could play some sort of game, sir.

Tennis.

The nearest tennis course is 125 miles away.

I do concentrate, Ash. Soccer, sir. We could play them soccer.

By Jove, yes, we could.

Seven or five.

Do the natives know how to play?

I doubt it, sir.

In fact, it's probably the only lot in the whole wide world our Lord of Puffs

could beat.

Probably slaughter them.

Hold on, Sergeant Major, that's not the idea at all.

No, no, no, we're trying to improve relations.

We've got to let them win.

Let them win, sir? Only just mine, but nevertheless, they must win. I don't

right to me, sir. I don't seem to a lot of natives, right? Oh, never mind,

nobody will see.

Look, organise it, will you?

Find a pitch, improvise some posts and mark it out, will you?

Do we have any whitewash?

The army always has whitewash, sir. It comes on the airlift with a blanco.

I'll see you, Sergeant Major.

Thank you.

Oh, before you go, Sergeant Major...

I've got a bit of a bone to pick with you.

With me, sir?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

I thought you were jolly cruel to those chaps, not allowing them to have a

drink.

I was not really being cruel, sir. You see, they'd been drinking rice wine. It

dehydrates you. One drop of anything on top of that and... You're just as drunk

as when you started.

Oh, dear.

I've just sent them over two cups of char.

Here we are.

This will be a lovely bit for a pitch.

We can have one goal over there and another goal over here.

How do you mind, Bombardier?

A soccer pitch has to be 100 yards long.

This is barely 30.

Well, why not do that running about then, will we?

We could stand in the goals and kick the ball at each other.

I'll have to scale it down a bit. Now, if the pitch is going to be 30 yards

long, let's see now, we could play with 8 -foot goals, 4 -foot 10 -inches high,

and, of course, a 9 -inch ball.

Where would we get a 9 -inch ball?

Quite right, fellow Parkins.

He's got common sense, he has.

There's more I can say for you, Professor Henshine. Where will we get a

ball? We could use a balloon.

A Dutch change would be better. I've got them at the depot.

That's ludicrous. You will break into pieces at the first kick.

Then we could hate it.

I'm not a thorn, you know.

Oh, you're a brethren idiot.

You're all brethren idiots. Carry on down that platform.

Move it out. Move it out.

That charm.

I was not referring to you going to parking. You was quite sensible at

How was your mother, by the way, boy?

out for a smoke. If you haven't got any, go through the motions.

Don't slow down.

We're moving on.

We've been moving on for four hours.

When it comes to a silly game of football, none of you will compromise.

Lovely. For heaven's sake, stop picking your toes.

My feet are killing me.

Killing us as well.

This isn't where we are.

What are you talking about, man? This is L -shaped.

I see. Sort of major.

Come on, on your feet.

What's going on?

Just giving the men a bit of a break, sir. The colonel's furious.

He expected you back simply ages ago.

You've left him all alone.

Well, have you found anything?

Not up to now, sir.

What have you all been doing?

What's wrong with this place?

It's L -shaped, sir.

L -shaped?

What does that matter?

It's only a silly game.

Use your initiative, Sergeant Major. Get it marked out.

Right.

You heard what the officer said.

Get moving. I want to see the whitewash flying off that brush. We'll have one

goal up there, one round by here.

But the goalies won't be able to see each other, Sergeant Major.

Oh, yeah. Oh, Sergeant, never mind.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major.

Where it goes round the bend, shall we curve the line or shall we make an

Shall we make a curve?

You does not put curves on soccer pitches, Mr. Lardy Dark Gunner Graham.

You put straight lines and corners.

Then we'll have six corners.

Then get six flags!

Use your inner shithole! Move yourself! Move yourself!

Keep on singing all day long, hi -ho.

Hi -ho, hi -ho, hi -ho, hi -ho. All seven in a row.

You positively can't go wrong with a hi, hi -ho.

I suppose there's no chance of these native chapits cancelling, is there?

Oh, none at all.

They seem frightfully keen when I challenge them.

You have explained to them that knives and blowpipes and things are absolutely

not on.

And they did understand, didn't they?

Shut up!

Well, it's going to be a rump game, and no mistake.

I think, tactically speaking, we should have our past with men on the outside of

the L, and then the chaps on this side can act as a sort of bilateral pivot.

Who is our...

Who is our fastest man?

Oh, Gunner Parkins, sir, without a shadow of a doubt.

Long streak of lightning.

Very alert.

I thought, sir, perhaps him and a clerk and a mucking -toss myself would make up

the forward line.

Good. Well, I shan't be playing, of course.

Captain Ash will be referee.

What about the defence?

Oh, well, sir, I don't suppose they'd get the ball in our half very much, but

thought Bombardier Bowman, Gunner Graham could sort of combine and become mixed

half and full -back, sir.

They're pretty useless, sir, but I don't think they'd be used much anyway.

What about the goalie?

Ah, well, sir, Gunnar Evans has sprained his ankle.

Who does that leave us with?

Gunnar Sugden, sir.

How bad is Evans' ankle?

Too bad, sir.

Well, couldn't he put Graham in goal? I mean, he wouldn't be much use anywhere

else. He might do quite well there.

Oh, no, sir, it's his hands.

What's the matter with them?

Oh, he's an artist, sir. I mean, his hands are his fortune, sir. I mean, one

crushed finger, one poisoned cup, and he's useless, absolutely useless.

Another piece of junk on life's rubbish heap.

Right, well, I'll see you on the field.

Now, don't forget, the object of this game is not to win.

Because of the behaviour of one or two thoughtless gunners, this village

think much of the British, and you've got to put that right.

You've got to show that we're a jolly sporting lot.

And these native chaps must be allowed to beat us.

But only just.

Then we'll have a return match and beat the hell out of them.

Come and have a word with me, will you?

Go on, you chaps. We haven't got all night.

I left one of your poor men in charge, sir. I don't know where they've gone.

Well, it was either these from the comic or the Chinese jackets from the Chinese

theme or the Mexican boleros.

I thought these looked more masculine.

Get him off!

Get him off. Get him off. He doesn't like them.

Get him off.

Help me, Bob.

It's the rangers.

Come on, fellas.

Muhammad Baksh, failed entrance examination, Calcutta University.

Most pleased to meet you.

I am your unbiased referee.

Why was the referee?

Oh, I see. We toss.

You lose. Bad luck.

attention. I want nice, clean game.

Not holding any clinches.

No dirties. Understand?

Malum. Do not speak Urdu to me. I am not some damn native.

Right.

Place it, lads.

What are you soldier boys playing at?

Already you are playing dirty.

What about?

You got a boar sound.

There's many boars.

You're going to cost the feed of these poor Indians.

You call that sporting?

I'm not going to have dirties.

Take them off!

That's not fair.

I'd be too tempted, Derek.

My lads are not used to playing in bare feet.

Do you not know better than to argue with the referee?

That's not arguing!

Do not be cheeky, or I shall be taking your name down.

Right. Get to it, lads.

My little poison soul.

My dance career will be ruined.

Prince soldier boy, you not be telling me how to run my business.

He carried it in his arms.

Don't argue with me, please.

I'm not arguing.

I'm telling you, mate.

Right. I'm taking your name down.

What is your name, please?

It's William.

Sergeant Major William.

Quartrate!

51 -0.

51 -0?

Oh, this is great.

I distinctly told our chaps to let these Indians win.

They are doing, sir. 51 -0.

They're winning 51 -0? Good Lord, it's a debacle.

That's just what I've been saying.

Now, what's the matter?

Half -time.

Sorry, I couldn't get that one. Good.

I can have half a manga, wait you.

And one cup of cha, absolutely free, sir.

This is terrible, Sergeant Major.

If the news leaks out, we'll be the laughing stock of the 14th Army.

What can you do with a ref like that, sir? He gave one penalty for leg before

wicket.

Well, you know the thing is, I suppose you realise that.

I mean, the audience won't want to come and see our shows anymore.

They'll just laugh at us and make rude remarks.

And it's all your fault.

Couldn't we stop giving them shows for a couple of weeks till they forget?

They'll never forget.

Well, surely there's something we could do.

All is not yet lost.

I have a feeling that Charwalla might be able to help. Charwalla, a word in your

ear, my dear fellow.

Well, it's up to you, Sergeant Major. But we can't allow them to win with a

score like that. At this rate, they'll win 98 -0.

No worry, sir.

I've got a subtle plan to stop this rot.

Sergeant!

Next time that ball passes you, you can find a barracks for three days.

Understood? Yes, Sergeant Major.

Beautiful gold.

Most beautiful gold I've ever seen.

And I'm definite it was not a foul.

Mr. Dash, what?

Those Indian chaps didn't try to stop our chaps at all.

This is definitely the most extraordinary game I've ever seen.

What's happening at their goal?

I'll go round the court and have a look.

It's such a beautiful goal. It makes my heart stinging.

Well done.

Well done.

Well done.

50 -51. A very satisfactory score.

Now, as soon as you're cleaned up, you have the rest of the day off.

Carry on, Sergeant Major.

Did you frighten them natives so they wouldn't touch the ball?

No, Sergeant Major.

Clark. No, Sergeant Major.

Well, who did then?

It was I, Sergeant Major.

You?

You couldn't frighten Miss Muffet.

I merely got the charwaller to drop a hint that the ball was made of female

skin.

Well, as you know, the female cow is the sacred animal, so they wouldn't kick

it.

Rather ingenious, don't you think, Sergeant Major?

Ingenious. Disgraceful.

Anyway, that does not account for the referee.

I had a little word with him, sir.

I told him if he didn't play fair, our gods would send a storm which would wash

him and wash him and wash him till he was very, very clean.

But neither one thing or the other.

Thank you. The boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -Y -S boys to entertain you.