Original subtitles

Meet the gang, cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raving the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thongs and fetches and jokes all anew, with us about you and Phil Blue.

meet the gang, cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Another day has dawned, and concert party is busy rehearsing a new item.

It all takes place in barber shop, and Lofty is going to do the shaving.

Now, I myself never have shave in barber shop, and I will tell you why.

The last time I was shaved, I was all cut up.

I went to this barber college, and one of the students...

failed his examination on me.

So, that is why I always wear a beard.

Hurry up with that shaving soap, Rangy. Stop already now.

Right.

Now listen, Lofty. What you do is you sing the first phrase while you're

swapping the razor, right?

Right. Right.

Are you ready?

Right. From the top.

I'm the patrol commander to make way.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Stop!

Are you mad, Lofty?

Why are you using a real razor?

It's what I was given.

I'm surrounded by flipping amateurs. Where is the prop razor?

Here, Gloria.

Right. Now, listen. This is what you do. You stop it, then you take a hair out

of your head and you cut it like that.

No, I can't do that. I've got my topi on.

Well, take it off.

I'll get sunstroke.

Well, somebody could take off the strap and cut that.

Barbers do not have toe pads. Take it off. Right.

Right. Start again.

Here, Gloria, I've got an idea. Why don't we do a joke here?

A joke in the Barber of Seville?

Yeah. Lofty could say to me, you need shaving badly, sir. And I says to him,

I don't. I need shaving nicely.

Then I says, you shaved me badly the last time.

Good, isn't it?

Lift it on with it, shall we?

Right. From the top again.

I'm the patotum of the town, make way.

La la la la la la la la.

Just le monde instead of soap.

If he's had a mouthful, it wouldn't matter.

Gloria, if Lofty wants to shave him proper like, he should stand on a box.

Suddenly everybody wants to be a producer.

Look, I'm the producer, sweetheart.

Get those ammunition boxes and bring them over here.

It's not very apt.

How do you mean?

Well, I hardly think a barber in 18th century Seville would have boxes of

machine gun ammunition in his shop.

Well, you could write musket balls on them.

All that matters is the razzmatazz.

This is show business, fellas.

Hit it,

lofty.

Oh, tis a charming life, brimful of pleasure.

matter with you, Lofty.

I can't see.

Salve, he's not doing the shaving correctly.

Another one who wants to be a producer.

But Salve, he must get it right. Let me show you, Salve. You hold the nose like

this.

We'll shave first thing in the morning.

Actually, we're rehearsing the Barber of Seville, Sergeant Major.

We're rehearsing the Barber of Seville, Sergeant Major.

Well, let me tell you, Mr. Lardy Dark and a Graham, you would not need the

Barber of Seville to restore your hair.

You would need Alibaba.

Got time?

Turn that ice!

Stand still.

Got time?

Thank you, mister. We'll understand them at ease when you're... Turn that ice!

Right, now, listen, chaps, I just had a message from GHQ.

They're sending us a new recruit.

Excuse me, sir, but what does he do?

Well, he's in the RAF, a mechanic.

I suppose he starts up the aeroplanes, I think.

Anyway, he's a bit of a turd.

Excuse me, Colonel, sir.

I think we should audition him.

I mean, he might not be up to our standards.

After all, we are professional artistes.

But he was not being very professional the other night when he was doing Jesse

Matthews singing over my shoulder.

You threw up your arms and your knickers fell down.

It wasn't my fault, Sergeant Major.

The elastic perishes in this humidity.

Yes, quite. You may have a point there, Beaumont.

We'd better find out what sort of a turn this chap does.

I'll get them to send him round.

Excuse me, sir.

The God of Harkins is foaming at the mouth.

Good heavens, so he is.

Do you think he's got something nasty?

What sort of nasty?

I don't know.

There are all sorts of nasty things you can catch in the jungle.

I'd better have a word with him and ask him if he's all right. Steady on,

Ashford. It could be contagious.

Think about that.

On the other hand, he may not be ill at all.

Perhaps he's just absolutely furious.

What do you mean, foaming at the mouth with rage?

I

don't

think so, no.

Why is Gunner Parkins foaming at the mouth?

That is soap, sir. Soap.

Yes, sir, he's just been shaved by the barber of Savile. I do hear that,

Ashford. He's just been shaved by the barber of Savile.

That's a relief, sir. Yes, it certainly is. Thank you very much indeed.

Watch out!

That's mad!

Wait for it!

You're sending this RAF chap over at three o 'clock?

With respect, sir, I does not think we should have any more men in the concert

party. I mean, they're hard enough to move around, it is, with all their poofy

gear.

After all, GXQ have sent us people to audition before, sir, and they've always

been hopeless.

What about those two military policemen who came on and sang We Are the Belgian

Dames and then got stage fright?

Yes, and what about that ventriloquist? He did a turn with a fox.

I mean, whoever heard of a fox talking?

I don't know, it could catch on, you know.

What about you? You've been trying to tear that telephone directory in half a

month. Oh, well, I'm working on it, aren't I?

And when I get it right, I'm going to put an end to the act.

And if you do manage to tear it, that's the end of your act.

Eh?

Don't understand.

Well, how on earth are you going to get more telephone directories out here in

the jungle?

You're just trying to make me lose... his confidence.

I'll think of something.

Hey, brother!

Oh, sir, you're so clever. What a lovely line of little paper dollies.

Tell you the truth, Wendy, I'm getting fed up of doing paper dollies.

I think I'll start work on a palm tree tomorrow.

Hey, Gloria, what time's this RAF bloke come in?

The colonel said three o 'clock.

Oh, I bet he's a great big amateur, Burke.

I'd ignore to take him, whatever he's like.

They may be building us up. After all, the bigger the show, the farther back

from the fighting we'll go.

Oh, we might even go back as far as Dear Lally.

Mommy, I just heard Gloria's father say that we may be going back to Dear Lally.

Oh, heavenly joy. I will see my wife again and whoever of my children are

hanging around at the time.

Oh, to see the dawn rise again on heavenly enchanted Dear Lally.

And to see the vultures taking bath in dust.

Oh, there is nothing like the Alali dust.

It makes me so sad to think of it.

Oh, such beautiful dust.

And at sunset, to see the wisps of smoke rising from the cow dung fires.

Oh, it is such lovely perfume.

It brings tears to my eyes to think of it.

Always brings tears to my eyes.

Oh, there is no place like home.

Don't worry, you're going to be marred.

Oh, Colonel Reynolds.

Colonel Reynolds, yes, sir. He's over there. He's over there.

Pilot Officer Digby.

Oh, hello. Colonel Reynolds, Captain Ashwood, BSM with you. And this is...

Where's he gone?

Excuse me.

On the right.

Ah,

here we are then.

No, no, no. I keep telling you, you salute with your right hand.

That's the one.

All ready for the audition.

Oh, good.

What's your name?

Aircraftsman Norman Wright.

I beg your pardon?

Aircraftsman Norman!

Right.

You'd better come and wait over here.

The man's an absolute ninny.

Hides his light under a bushel. Oh, really? Yes, we didn't know he had

and then we caught him at it behind the cookhouse.

The favourite place at my school was behind the squash courts.

Singing?

Oh, yes, of course.

Now, do pay attention, Ashwood. Well, I think we're just about all ready for

you.

Come along, come along.

Now, this is Bombardier Beaumont in charge of the council party.

No, Old Monroy, you do not salute NCOs.

Right, well, I'll leave you to it. You are now about to be judged by your

What do you do?

I sing a bit.

What?

I sing a bit.

Oh, you sing a bit.

He sings a bit.

We'll give you music to the pianist.

They won't hear him past the front row.

Oh, they're flipping amateur.

Oh, it's a travesty.

Do you read music?

I beg your pardon?

Do you read music?

Yes, a bit.

Can I start again, please?

What? Can I start again, please?

You want to start again?

He wants to start again!

He wants to start again.

All right.

Like a magnificent water buffalo calling to his mate.

Thank

you.

Thank you very much.

What a fantastic voice, Ashwood.

It's a good deal lower than Gunnarsugden's.

I like the way he does his gestures.

Anyway, we don't need another singer, do we? No, we don't.

We don't need a singer.

Can you do anything else?

Play the piano a bit.

What? I'll play the piano a bit.

I'll help you, Phil.

Can you read music?

What?

I say, can you... Oh, never mind.

The bird seems to be telling me, Mr. Lauderdale Gunner Graham, that you were

slightly redundant.

What do you think, Graham?

The piano will never stand up to that sort of treatment.

Thank you very much.

We've already got a pianist.

We don't need another one.

Can you do anything else?

I do a bit of an act with the trumpet.

I'll take this. You don't mind, do you?

No, no, no, of course not.

These RAF chaps are jolly clever.

Hence to being able to fly an aeroplane and play the piano.

I don't suppose they do it at the same time.

Shut up! Shut up!

and I do a bit of juggling and some female impersonation. No, I don't think

want to hear any of that.

That, uh, that blue -cream boy was very good.

He had a nice singing voice. Very robust.

Ah, he was good. No getting away from it. Yeah. What about the way he played

that piano?

Yes, yes, he was quite good.

He certainly showed us up.

What's the matter with you lot? A bit of opposition, you got a piece here.

All right, all right, he had some talent.

I'll admit that.

I mean, what's he got that I haven't got?

He can play the piano, trumpet, sing and dance.

Well, apart from that... He said he did juggling and female impersonations. He

only said he did, didn't he? I mean, we didn't actually see him do them, did we?

You wouldn't have let him.

Well, it's getting late.

Anyway, I think he's a great big gormless berk.

Yeah, I think Gloria's right. He wasn't as good -looking as what I am.

And he didn't do any whistling either.

Oh, Piper Terry.

Aye, and he didn't do Harley Lord of Band Island bars.

And I bet he hasn't got a university degree like me.

Now I come to think of it, I thought his presentation was a bit flashy.

See? You see, you all got carried away.

He wasn't half as good as you thought he was.

How dare you come bursting in

here when we intellectuals... I'm having discussion about the merits of an

artist. Tell them, Ramzan.

Sir,

he say that Sergeant Major Saab, Captain Saab and Colonel Saab are all talking

about the Braille screen boy.

And they are saying how good he is.

And because he is so good, some of you are going... Some of us are going to

what?

Get your marching orders.

I guess something like this might happen.

Who's going?

They do not know yet, sir.

Well, tell him to go and find out.

Look at that list again, sir.

If you ask me, sir, we does not need any of them.

I mean, this RAF will do everything.

Do you mean get rid of them all?

All except Gunner Parkins, sir.

Why keep him? That RAF chap is a much better ventriloquist than Parkins.

He's got very weak shoulders, sir.

I don't have a ventriloquist with me.

Getting rid of them all is a bit drastic, Sergeant Major.

Well, he needs every man up at the front, so there's a big push coming.

Oh, the consul party wouldn't be much use.

Will you clean out something, sir?

Punkawalla, where's you been?

Shut up.

Don't be too hard on him, Sergeant Major. Even a punkawalla has to tinkle.

If we get rid of all the concert party, what's going to happen to us?

How do you mean?

I mean, you can't have a colonel, a captain and a sergeant major in charge

only two men.

They could send us up to the front as well.

Good thinking, Ashwood. We'll just get rid of one man.

Well, in that case, so may I suggest going to Sugden. After all, he does not

need two singers.

Good point, Sergeant Major.

Sugden's got a sympathetic quality.

He has pathos. He's pathetic, all right.

You'd better tell him he's going.

Right away, sir.

What are we going to do about this signal from Colonel Stone in Calcutta,

Oh, I'll tell Bombardier Beaumont about it in the morning.

Goodbye, goodbye.

Wipe the tear, baby dear, from your eyes.

I hope this works, Rungi.

We must save poor little Lofty, sir.

Of course it will work, you ignorant coolie.

Gloria Saab has a heart as soft as an overripe mango.

Saab, Gloria Saab.

Yes, Rangy? We've got a nice, very hot cup of tea for you, Saab. Thanks, Rangy.

I'll pay you later.

Oh, no need, Gloria Saab. This one is on the basha.

Good luck, Rangy.

Saab, it is sad that...

Lofty Saab has to leave.

I know.

What can I do?

Saab, this message came from Calcutta, and it concerns you, Saab.

Don't be a burk.

Who'd send a message from Calcutta for me?

Wait a minute.

From Colonel Stone, Saab in battle dress, Calcutta.

I need a female impersonator urgently.

Tell Bombardier Beaumont to report for audition at once.

It's come! It's come!

I'm going to be a star!

Shh!

Stop! Stop! Do not shout so loudly. You will wake everybody up.

Oh, just think.

A big show with professional artistes.

Oh, wait till Colonel Stone sees my act. He'll go mad about it.

I'm going to be a star!

Stop! Do not go.

What are you talking about?

Are you mad?

Not a morning early. I will go to the airfield.

And I will speak to the RAF officer, sir.

Who is first class wizard fellow.

And they will tell him that you are sicky and that you cannot go to

And they will send the brill cream boy in your place.

What? And then Lafty Saab will not have to leave us. Oh, you are mad.

You think I'll pass up a chance like this?

Oh, to get to the top of his show business.

You've got to be ruthless, sweetheart.

You've got to walk all over people.

Easy to walk over Lafty Saab.

His head is very near the ground.

Shut up. I'm not going to listen.

Who's there?

done that this time of night, Lofty?

I wanted to think.

What about?

About me.

The right, of course. That RAF bloke had a smashing voice.

He made me feel like rubbish.

I shall never sing again.

Let me tell you, Lofty.

I can't sing. I was just kidding myself.

But I want to thank you, Glory, for all you've done for me. For helping me with

my gestures and such like.

But you can't make a silk purse out of a thousand here.

Well, I'm going to bed.

Good night.

Don't look at me like that, Ranji.

I don't care.

I'm going to be a star.

It's the first step on the golden ladder to fame.

Up and up.

Do you really think Lofty will never sing again?

You'd better tell that RAF officer to send his bloke in my place.

Oh, Saab, you're so brave.

It is a far, far worse thing you are doing than you will ever do again, isn't

it? Broken -hearted clown.

Your tears are... And you will be pleased to know that the RAF bloke is

coming because he's going to join a proper show, which is a good thing for

poofs.

And, Bobbity Aboment, your audition has been cancelled probably because they

heard you wasn't no good laddies or... Desmond!

Right, fellas.

Back to work.

Here, Gloria.

What did old shut -up mean about your audition?

What audition?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Right, right. Ready, Lofty?

Right. From the top.

Lofty, hold it. Stop.

What's the matter?

You've got a lovely voice.

You know?

There's an old Hindu proverb which says that if a man wishes to win fame and

fortune by climbing to the stars, he'd better make sure that there is somebody

underneath holding the ladder.

The boys

are

here to entertain you.

Three!

O -Y -S boys to entertain you!