Original subtitles

Meet the gang, cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With song and fetid and joke going on you.

Without the butt, you won't feel blue. Go meet the gang, cause the boys are

here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Oh, dear me and rotten blimey.

The Concert Party has been very busy doing very old British Army custom.

And this custom is known as the grumbling, the grousing, or the

Now, the British Army men do the grousing and the bellyaching about three

things.

One, the ruddy grub. Two, the ruddy women.

Three, the ruddy everything else.

And today it is the ruddy grub.

Just ask me one thing.

How are we supposed to perform as artistes in a show on stuff like this?

I mean, where's their imagination?

Here we are in the middle of Burma, 98 in the shade, and what do they give us?

Stew.

Every day, ruddy hot stew.

Bombardier, you does not need to have hot stew.

All you have to do is use your initiative.

Leave it 20 minutes, I've called stew.

It's the dessert course that gets me down.

Bananas.

Bananas and bananas and bananas and bananas.

Mashed bananas, fried bananas, diced bananas, sliced bananas.

Today, I'm going to have mine without cream.

I think they're better without custard.

Here, not just chopping them in bits and putting them in his stew.

It's good grub. What, with the skin on it?

That's the best part.

I dreamt I was eating Yorkshire pudding last night. When I woke up, I was

sucking me toupee.

Ah, jolly hot chasub.

To take away the taste of banana.

Ah, thank you very much indeed.

Is your wife a good cook, sir? No, not very.

Keen, you know, but unlucky.

Things always curdle or separate.

And then she bursts into tears.

But only on Thursdays, of course.

Why only on Thursdays? Oh, it's cook's day off.

Oh, cook's a very good cook, then.

It's hard to make a thought. One time, I take home a tin of this delicious stew

to my mummy.

Oh, blimey, there was such a joystick.

And she was able to feed a whole family of 18 peoples.

18 peoples?

Yes, sir.

Well, they couldn't have had much of a dollop. Oh, it's hard to make a thought.

My mummy is what you call a very good manager.

And she made gravy from label on tin.

Shut up!

There they go again.

Same calm every day.

Yeah, but at least they're ours, Gloria.

Yeah, I was listening on the radio set yesterday. They're supply planes.

They drop supplies by parachute.

What, you mean ammunition and blanko?

No, grub. Oh, what wonderful people we British are. We make your fatties fall

from the sky.

I bet it's stew and bananas.

No, lovely boy, it is not stew and bananas.

It's a 14 -man combo pack. It's got everything you need, not forgetting a

bit of salt and a bar of chocolate.

But it does not concern you, because they does not drop it on poofs.

where it has to fall, Sergeant Major?

Simple. You find a little clearing in the jungle and you place these white

marking strips.

So, down it comes.

Yeah. And they get stuck up the tree.

And you have to climb up like a ruddy great monkey to cut them free.

And by the time you get down again, they've got the chocolate.

Beasts. If we put out some little white strips, they'd probably drop some food

on us.

Gunner, Sergeant, you are an horrible, evil little man, what are you?

An horrible, evil little man, Sergeant.

Indeed you his.

Do you know what you are suggesting?

No, Sergeant Major.

You are proposing to take the food out of the mouths of fighting troops.

What about us? We're fighting troops. You!

That are in Barnacle, Beaumont.

would not be able to fight your way through one penny worth of chips.

In any case, we don't have anything white.

Correct, sir.

Green towels, green blankets, green shirts, even green undies.

So part of this green hell we live in.

Oh, for the size of something white!

Sir, you're 80 years old, you have a body of that.

Lofty's tummy.

There's a Dobie Waller down by the river. He washes lots of white things.

There you are, see?

There's a boy with brains and initiative.

I think they're sorries. Belonging to them Indian birds.

Sexy with it.

I don't suppose he'd mind us borrowing them for an hour, eh?

Sorry, Mr. Todd. Dobie Waller take him washing down before lunch. But to do

dirty sneaky stealing, we must do it before breakfast.

All this.

is illegal, criminal, and against King's regulations.

And if ever I found you doing anything like that, I would put you on a jumping

rope! Fizzle!

Mind you, if he was going to do it, tomorrow would be a good day.

Officer's going to HQ.

I shall be taking a little stroll.

Tomorrow morning, eh?

Every time it is raining, it is raining.

Rain is from heaven. Where is Jyoti and Sari?

And there is Dhobiwala.

Space tower, isn't it?

Jyoti, come.

I go to the Dhobiwala and tell him that today I give a special free offer of cup

of tea for advertising.

And while he is doing the drinking, you will be doing the nicking, isn't it?

Right. Now, we'll sneak round the back.

I'm the barber, dear. I'll give you orders.

All right. What are we going to do, then?

Sneak round the back.

Assalamu alaikum.

Assalamu alaikum.

Assalamu alaikum.

Assalamu alaikum. Assalamu alaikum.

Assalamu

alaikum.

Your time is up.

Hang out the doggie on the sea free line. Have you any dirty

doggie mother here?

Oh, yes.

Where have my lovely boys been then?

Who asked?

On patrol, Sergeant Major.

On patrol?

Yes, a voluntary patrol, sir.

Good. Get your breakfast, then.

Good time!

Now, we're just off. Should be back for a late lunch. Very good, sir.

Could I have a word with you, Sergeant Redding? So?

The men look very fat.

You think so, sir?

But they is looking a little choppy.

Why do you think that is?

Could be all them bananas, sir.

Possibly. Very windy diet, sir. Yes, yes, of course, yes.

Well, you'd better get them to jump up and down a bit. Sir.

Hey, Lofty, you're in though crooked.

Straighten it up and make it look nice.

This is the most beautiful craft that has ever been made.

When the hairy planes see it, they will be so pleased, they will make the sky

dark. With piling at your party?

They won't drop a thing unless we make the dash marks.

Aye, that's what tells them how many boxes the comp was to drop.

Let's make the dash marks, then. What with?

I've got a white hanky. I keep it for me head.

We need enough white material to make two six -foot -long dashes.

We've got no more stories.

Wait a minute, fellas.

Come out the other night.

Every time now, I will charge you one extra anna for tea. And you shall also

have stale kheer. What are you complaining about, you damn coolie?

Any time now, it will be raining kheer sent by King Jaji.

You can't eat two 14 -man packs in one sitting, you... Oh, God.

There he comes!

Right,

grab them and back to the village as quickly as possible. Yes, grab them and

back to the village as quickly as possible.

Parky, Lofty, you get the saris back on the line.

Yes. You get them back on the line.

Every time it is raining, it is raining.

Venice from heaven.

Oh, yes.

My lovely boy's been fishing, then?

Yes, sir.

Did you catch anything?

Aye, a couple of fair -sized ones, Sergeant Major.

Good.

Now, I'm going to take a little stroll up the path.

When I comes back, I shall expect something very virulent for my dinner.

Here, come on, fellas, let's have a look.

Just like having a birthday.

Here, fellas, a bit of the old bayonet.

In this case, just like Christmas.

Look, Christmas pudding.

It's from Jackson and Mason.

To make them for the king. It says so on the label.

Oh, we British straight from heaven we get the king's pudding.

There must be about 20 of them in here.

It's a whole case full of Christmas puddings.

Yeah. And each one's got the name of a general on it.

This one's the same.

There's two whole cases of ruddy Christmas puddings.

All addressed to generals.

They'll taste smashing with bananas.

Boiled beef and carrot.

Boiled beef and carrot.

I must say this pudding was quite excellent.

Was that the only one, Sergeant Major?

Not quite, sir. We does have a further 43.

43? How did that come about?

Oh, the Royal Air Force, sir, dropped a couple of cases just short of the

target. Accidentally?

Oh, something of that nature, sir.

Sounds damn suspicious to me. Yes.

Perhaps we'd better not let the men eat any more.

Quite, sir. Except them that's damaged and liable to go hot. Yes, yes, of

course. Were there many like that? I suspect there will be, sir. Yes.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major. What have you got there? Got a Parkins?

Nothing much, sir. It's just a message to all units from Air Supply.

Oh, well, I don't suppose it'd be nothing important. Come along, let's

Yes, sir.

They've pushed out a couple of packs of a special food consignment by mistake,

and if the unit what got them will report, they'll replace them with proper

rations.

Well done.

Can I apologize?

What do you think of that, Sergeant Renner?

Well, sir, replace them with proper rations. I mean, seeing as we were not

supposed to have these puddings in the first place, it'd be cheeky like asking

for a substitute.

Yes, quite right.

You'd better be quiet about it.

Besides, nobody knows we've got the puddings, do they?

Nobody at all, sir.

Good.

What does that Indian fellow want?

I haven't got the faintest idea, sir.

Bearer, bring that Indian chappy over here. Gently.

Very good, Captain, sir.

Colonel,

sir, this man is saying that he is owner of Royal Sovereign Laundry by Dirty

Stream.

And he's complaining that someone has crept to his washing line and pinched

clothing. What's that got to do with us? Why, I don't suppose nothing at all,

sir.

Colonel Saab, he say

that one of our men was seen with six ladies' saris. What?

Pinching them off the washing line? No, no, Colonel Saab, putting them back.

What do you think, Hesham?

Sounds rather far -fetched to me, sir. Yes.

Can he describe the man?

He's very round, and he's wearing the spectacles,

and on his head is the topi.

What do you say to that, Sergeant Major?

Description vague as that, so could fit anybody.

I don't know, it sounds suspiciously like Gunner, Gunner, you know, the

fat, round one.

Gunner, Sugden.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Come by here.

Now you listen to me, Sugden.

You has not been pinching ladies washing off lines, has you?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

You disgusting little man.

What did you do with these ladies' things?

I laid them on the ground.

Good Lord, and then what?

I hung them back on the line again.

Damn weird.

This is the sort of thing we used to read about in the Sunday papers.

This man, Thugton, is obviously

an absolute rotter.

Do Johnny well have to pay to have them washed again?

Yes, sir.

You'd better report to the M .O. in the morning.

He'll probably give you some pills, and I hope they taste horrid.

Right, pay him. Ah,

glad I found you.

Bishop's the name.

Reynolds.

Ashford. Sorry to bother you, but a couple of cases of a special food

consignment dropped near here, and the natives tell me you laddies knocked him

up, picked him up.

Now, I know this sort of thing does happen, but if HQ gets the info, they'll

kick up a bit of a barnyard.

They busted a couple of colonels only last week.

I see.

Sergeant Major, have they... I don't intend to ask all the questions and all

that luck, but if, when I leave here, those cases were on my rickshaw, then I

could say I found them hanging from a tree in the jungle, couldn't I?

Yes, I'm sure you could.

See to it, Sergeant Major. Sure.

Well, I won't hang about.

We don't want me to be senior, do we? And if I was you, I'd keep my trap shut

about all this and pretend it didn't happen.

Absolutely right.

So long, then.

Blimey, that was quick.

He's pinched our pudding.

Yes, well, we've all had a pretty narrow squeak there, and the best thing to do

is to forget all about it. And on no account must it happen again.

Excuse me, sir. Yes?

There is one thing, sir.

I don't think he was a real officer, sir.

I don't think he was a real officer, sir.

What is you horn about, Gunner Graham?

Well, point one, he had a shiny cap badge.

Did you notice that, sir?

Yes, sir, but I did not take no notice of it. I mean, officers does have these

accidental injuries, I mean.

But what about his medal ribbons? He was wearing the OBE.

Well, Gunner captains don't usually get the OBE.

Good point.

It's more usually colonels.

They're not very often.

And he was also wearing the DFC.

Well, that's an Air Force medal.

Yes, I wondered about that.

Did you notice that, Sergeant Major? Naturally so.

Finally, and most significantly, he had a nicotine stain on the inside of his

hand, right there.

And what is that supposed to mean, Mr. Shylock Holmes Graham?

Well, Sergeant Major, it means he smoked like this.

Well, officers smoke like that.

He can't be an officer.

I mean, only common people smoke like that.

Well, maybe it was a bit common, Lloyd.

What is you... That's what kind of parking says is right, sir. There is a

common offices about these days.

Well, now, I think Graham is right.

Oh, what fine university brain you have in your big head, sir.

Shut up.

This, Phil, for our puddings. Here, fellas.

Hey, the wires are not buzzing regarding them puddings.

Perhaps it's just as well he take them off our hands.

I don't see it like that.

That another officer.

What up?

He may also be naughty, cheaty phony.

We better give this one a good going over.

You check his badges, you cover his medals, and I'll try and take a look at

hand. Ah,

good afternoon.

Nangles, my name.

I'm Reynolds.

Very nice of you to come and see us.

Yes, good.

Now, what is it exactly we can do for you?

I'm from Divisional HQ.

You've probably heard there's been a bit of a flap on about cases of missing

food. Now, I don't suppose you know this, but actually, it's Christmas

Oh, did you know that, Ashford? Well, not officially.

Well, anyway, these puddings are hush -hush, and they could blow up into quite

nasty thing.

Now, you probably want to know why everybody's getting teamed up, teamed up

about a lot of pudding.

Yes, yes. Well, we would like to know that, wouldn't we, Ashford? Oh, rather.

Well, some person at the War Office... who really should have known better,

ordered them to be distributed not to the fighting forces, but to generals and

brigadiers.

Well, I mean, you know, I mean, as well as I do, I mean, you've got this Labour

government now, and I mean, that sort of thing just simply won't do.

I should jolly well think not.

I mean, you know, I mean, if these puddings get into the wrong hands, I

could be the most awful stink.

I mean, now, now, now, now, now, the thing to do is we've got to cover them

Yes, yes, by Joges. Now, that is where you come in.

Do I? Oh, yes.

Certainly. Yes. You see, they definitely came down in this area.

It's absolutely vital that we recover them. The special investigation branch

the military police is on to it already.

They'll get at the truth and heads will roll.

I wouldn't like to be in the shoes of anyone who'd been within a mile of those

puddings. Do I make myself plain?

Very plain.

Doesn't hear should.

Oh, very plain.

Right. Enough said.

You, uh... You can reach me a div, if you have anything to tell me.

Why don't you tell him about that chap that took them away?

Don't you see that's as good as admitting that our chaps pinched them?

We're up to our necks in this, Ashford.

I only had two spoonfuls.

Get the men together, tell them the story behind these puddings, and we'll

after this fake officer.

Very good, sir.

He's the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.

Look,

there is another mark of the wheel of the reacher. I think we're getting warm.

Well, I hope we find something soon.

I mean, the curtain goes up in half an hour. Our audience will be waiting for

us. I can smell something.

Puddins? Could be.

Either that or a monkey's nest.

Right. Proceed with caution.

Proceed with caution.

Shut up.

Huh? Like the most exciting film. Yes.

Like the good cowboys and the bad Indians.

No, it is not like that at all. We are good Indians. And we are looking for

white captains who speak with forked tongues.

You are damn nigger and cooly, so shut up.

That could be where they are, sir.

Yes.

Shall we surround the hut, sir?

Yes, good idea.

Right. 90 -dose Clark Evans, round the right.

Graham, Parkins Beaumont, round the left.

What about me?

Dig a hole or climb a tree.

Right.

Whoever's in that hut, come out with your hands up.

Why the hell the soldier boy pointing guns at me? Here you go, Macintosh.

We is pre -possessing our puddings. That's what we is doing.

Right here, Sergeant Major.

Right, Clark. You mind to get him out.

Sir.

What are you doing?

Tell your mind to stop pulling my puddings out of my butcher.

They're not yours. They're ours.

Where is Captain Bishop?

I'm not telling you, soldier boy, damn nothing.

What? How dare you talk to colonels like that?

Rodding native.

Look, our public will be coming in. If we don't start the show in 15 minutes,

they'll tear the place apart.

When Gary Cooper wanted to make a Mohammedan talk in the lives of a Bengal

lancer, he threatened to wrap him up in a pigskin.

You lot!

We're going to wrap you in a pigskin.

No, no, no. I will tell you everything.

He's not Captain Bishop.

He's Private Murphy.

He's deserter and deal in black market.

That's more like it. Take your damn Christmas pudding and you know what you

do with them.

Get him out.

Why did I do that?

I'm not a Mohammedan. I'm Presbyterian.

stepped out of a dream.

You are too wonderful.

A special investigation party are here already, searching the camp. We weren't

far enough ahead of them. It's the end of my career, of course.

I shall probably be cashiered.

Look, when they get here, give them the damn things and let's be done with it.

Do not worry, sir.

The bearer has deposed all them.

Very good.

I cannot live a life of lies any longer.

Look, sir.

Good heavens.

No wonder the show's going so well. They're all stuffing the puddings.

Could there be eyes like yours?

Could there be lips like yours?

Sorry about this.

Well, where are they?

They are there, sir.

These brave British soldiers that have been fighting naughty Japanese.

And they are enjoying General Saab's pudding so much.

With respect, sir, I feel sure that Mr.

Rathlees will not be upset when he finds out where the puddings are finished up.

Yes, you're probably right about that.

And we has burnt all the labels, sir, with the names of the generals who was

be the reciprocals of them. You seem to have taken care of everything.

All right, Sergeant, we'll get back to HQ.

Done, Sergeant Major. Well done, better. You've made a first -class job of the

whole thing.

Colonel Saab, I do better than first -class job. I saved six puddings for

Christmas. You have no right to do that.

I got six as well, sir.

Come on, Astrid.

Oh, dear, oh, dearie me.

That officer is clever, imparting policeman.

Although he is clever, imparting policeman, he does not know what to do

Do you know?

There's an old Hindu proverb which say, because a goat has a beard, This does

not mean he is high priest.

The boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.