Original subtitles

Meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the robbers with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thump and fetches and jokes on and you, with us about you and Bill Blues.

Go meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

You can see what we have all been dreading has finally come to pass.

We have been posted up the jungle.

And in this native village, we are making our headquarters.

It is a very humble place, but then we British are used to making best of bad

job.

And Sergeant Major Taub, in true military time, has put up notices so

everyone knows what is what, who is who, and where is where, isn't it?

Over there, you can see Gunnar Saab's quarters.

Over there, you can see Sergeant Major Saab's quarters.

And over there, you can see Officer Saab's quarters.

You cannot see my quarters because I am sitting on them.

I am afraid they are all the quarters I have because I'm only poor Indian.

We really are at the jungle.

I thought I was just having a bad nightmare.

Help!

Help! Help!

There's a frog in my bed! It was all over the place!

I can't stand this food! What's happening?

Sergeant Major Todd, Beaumont Todd found this little frog in his boot. Oh, it's

horrible, horrible.

Shut up!

I can't stand it.

I'm a sensitive artiste.

I can't stand this creepy quality.

Pull yourself together.

What's the matter, Sergeant Major?

It's all your fault. You brought me to this terrible place.

Bombardier Beaumont is having mental dimensions.

Have I got your permission to bring him to his senses? Yes, that's right, sir.

Steady on.

Standard procedure for historical, sir.

Got you.

You're under arrest, Beaumont.

Put him in a guardhouse.

We haven't got a guardhouse.

Can I have a word with you, sir? Yes, yes, of course.

With respect, sir, you is not going to let Beaumont get away with this one, is

you? Certainly I'm not. I'm extremely angry. So am I, sir.

How dare he wake me up at five o 'clock in the morning?

I is talking about the bombardier assault in me, sir. Yes, that's quite

as well. But the fact remains, once I'm awake, I cannot get to sleep again.

I have the same, sir. Once I'm awake, I just have to get out.

Bombardier bombing will have to be punished, sir. Otherwise, we will never

maintain discipline.

After all, we is on active service.

No, no, we are an entertainment unit, here to give shows to the troops.

You mean we's not going out on patrol, sir? What for?

And out the Japanese.

We're ten miles behind the lines here.

Your Japanese patrol may have got through, sir.

I don't think we ought to go looking for trouble, sir. No, good point, Ashford.

Besides, we might get lost.

We might get killed as well. That's an even better point.

And I will stay here and wait for further orders.

You will have to charge the bombardier, sir. Yes, I suppose you're right. Well,

set the wheels in motion, would you please?

Right.

Beaumont, you will be charged forthwith.

Gunners Parkins, Graham Evans, set up a table, something for the officers to sit

on. Move yourselves.

Not you, Beaumont.

Not you.

You say neither, and I say either. You say neither, and I say neither.

Either, either.

Now, Mohammed, I want you to pay particular attention.

You are going to see British legal system in action.

I don't understand.

Well, you know what legal is, don't you?

Sure. It's a big bird with a hooked beak.

You ruddy fool.

Squad! Squad, hide!

With respect, sir, I rely on you to uphold my authority.

May I suggest we tie Beaumont to a tree? Give him six lashes.

Law of the jungle here, sir.

I see you.

Prisoner! And escort!

At the double, quick march!

Left side, left side, left side, left side! Right wheel!

Left wheel!

Mark time!

Help! Right turn!

Bombardier Baymont, you are charged with assaulting Sergeant Major Williams.

I didn't know what I was doing. I was in a state of shock.

Shut up.

There's no dispute in this case. We all saw you strike Sergeant Major Williams.

Striking an officer is one of the most heinous crimes in the British Army.

And on active service, it carries the penalty of field punishment,

and in certain cases, death by firing squad.

The law of the jungle here, Beaumont.

You are going to get rough justice.

Men's justice.

You will not be allowed to play the part of Ginger Rogers anymore.

One

hot

cup of chag, Gloria Saab.

Thanks. Cheer up, Gloria Saab. Sentence could have been worse.

Colonel Saab might have stopped you playing Joan Blundell as well.

I don't care. I'm glad I kicked all shut up.

Just goes to prove that even a sensitive person like myself can be driven to

desperation.

Oh, you're right there, Petal. I mean, I'll have to be very careful what I say

to you in future.

In case you hit me with your sponge bag.

Oh, shut up, you great big scotch -butch hairy haggis.

Don't push your luck, Marjorie.

We shouldn't fight amongst ourselves, fellas.

Yes, Lofty's quite right. We should stick together in our hour of adversity.

What's that mean?

It means, my dear lofty, that we are in the muck right up to here.

Oh, in your case, right up to here.

You should be very careful, Gloria Saab. I overheard Sergeant Major Saab say to

Colonel Saab that he let you off much too lightly.

Too lightly?

You think stopping me playing St. John Rogers is letting me off lightly?

I think the visions have grown.

Can I park in?

You, Sergeant Major?

That easy call -up sign.

Answer it. You sort it, Major.

Yes, I do, Major.

Crawler.

I didn't know old Pocky could read Morse code.

You've got to have real brains to understand all them dots and dabs. Yeah,

hasn't got any talent now, has he?

Darby might take your part in ginger, Roger.

Listen, sweetheart, you have to be an artiste to step into my shoes.

Or a frog.

from GHQ, sir. Oh, thanks, Sergeant Major.

Oh, did you get all the message down, Gunner Parkins? Yes, Sergeant Major.

Well done, clever boy.

You know, sir, Gunner Parkins knows the Morris Code.

Oh.

And the message to the Colonel?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Thank you.

Good heavens.

Get a map, Ashford. Yes, sir. They want us to build a bridge.

Listen to this. Can you get a bridge across River High Pong stop?

Bridge will carry urgent medical supplies. Stop. Use pontoon. Stop.

Have ready by three -stroke, five -stroke, forty -five, comma, twelve

hours. Oh, and there's a map reference. See if you can find it, will you?

They want it in two days, sir. We will never build a bridge by that time. Oh,

yes, we will. If we build a simple rope bridge.

It says pontoon, sir. Yes, but we haven't got any pontoons. It'll have to

made of rope.

Here it is, sir.

It's only half a mile away.

All right. Well, that's everything, then.

We must build this bridge ready for these urgent medical supplies.

Parkins. Yes, sir? Signal back to GHQ, Colonel Reynolds Wilco. Yes, sir.

Excuse me, sir. Is this Colonel Reynolds Wilco a relation of yours?

Wilco means well complied, sir.

Oh. Well, why don't they say?

No one had to pick the garden.

Right, yes.

Now, you've all seen where we're going to put this bridge across.

What we have to do now is work out exactly how we are going to do it.

Now, here is the river.

There is a very large tree just here on the back.

Ash, will you be the tree, will you?

Yes.

Get further back, you're in the river.

you all noticed that the tree had a very large overhanging branch.

Stick your arm out, Ashford.

Right, now I want some string.

Better get some string.

I'll test out a minute, sir.

Now, to get the first rope across, we will attach a vine to this overhanging

branch. Excuse me, sir. Actually, it's called a liana, sir.

I beg your pardon?

A jungle vine is called a liana, sir.

I know, like in that song.

Sweet Rihanna, heavenly flower.

Shut up!

One piece of string, Colonel Sarge. Right, tie it to Captain Ashford's

will you?

Colonel Sarge, it would not be right for me as humble bearer to tie string to

Captain Sarge's finger.

Sarge, don't tie the string to the captain's finger.

an idea, sir. If Captain Ashwood lowers his arm, Sudden will be able to tie it

on.

Well done.

Clever boy did you hear that, sir.

Gunner Parkins is all brains, sir.

I see, sir.

I don't think that's very clever.

Any fool could have thought of that.

Well, why didn't you?

And now we are ready to start building the bridge. Are there any questions?

Excuse me, sir.

Supposing whoever's swinging across on the rope falls in.

What happens then?

What happens then, sir?

You! Well, I'll tell you what happens then, Mr. Lauderdale Gunner Graham. You

get wet!

Now, ask you as soon and as fast as possible to the bank.

Excuse me.

What about the crocodiles in the river?

What makes you think there's crocodiles in that river?

Because I just saw one lying on the mud bank.

Well, Chaps, I must admit, quite frankly, there are probably some

that river, but not many.

Not many, he says.

How many do you need?

Those I have chosen.

That is why I have chosen 12 o 'clock, because at that time all the crocodiles

are in a state of comatose.

What's a comatose?

Comatose is what you get trodden on if you does not shut up.

Then I'll leave you, Sergeant Major, to choose the volunteer to go across on the

rope. Stop! Don't pull me, sir! Don't pull me, sir! Don't pull me, sir! Come

come on! I'm waiting for you! Don't pull me! Not you! Better not you!

Don't pull me!

Don't pull me! Now, you're this, and you're it good.

Whoever is going over on that rope should regard it as a great privilege.

After all, back home in Blighty at this very moment, there's probably hundreds

of people giving up in funfairs and paying money to swing on ropes.

If you don't mind my saying so, Sergeant Major, that's not a very apt

similitude, Sergeant Major.

Not a very apt similitude.

True.

Well, Mr. Lauderdale, Gunner Graham, perhaps you would care to tell us, who

not had the benefit of your Oxford and Cambridge's university educations, what

you is on about.

Well, you said just now, Sergeant Major, that at this moment back at home,

people are paying money at the swing on roads.

What about it?

Well, it's six o 'clock in the morning in England.

I hardly think there'll be many people swinging on ropes at that hour.

I don't know.

There might be hanging somebody.

You don't have to pay to be young, do you?

Shut up!

I've never heard such a load of old twaddle in all my life!

Like talking to a bunch of Mormons.

I want one volunteer.

I'll go across, Sergeant Major.

Will you really, boy?

You know that?

Once again, the only real man amongst you has volunteered.

Shoulders back, lovely boy.

Five peri -shoulder, show me.

Unfortunately,

we cannot risk it.

Not when you are dandruff.

Swinging through the air might... Bring it out on the rampage.

Anyway, you is too tall.

McIntosh!

You is also too tall.

Too tall.

Too tall.

He's the right height, and he was also wearing the correct hat.

What has my hat got to do with it?

Well, it's just the right shape for the hairy dynamics of sweeping through the

air.

Well, can't someone else wear it? No, no.

That would be most unhygienic.

You is the one to swing across on the jungle vine.

Congratulations, son of Tarzan!

that off securely, Macintosh.

Aye, Sergeant Major.

It should take the weight of a man, all right.

Well, if it'll take the weight of a man, there will be no problems with half a

man. Get ready, Sergeant.

Sergeant Major, come

quick.

Hold on to that rope, Sergeant. Do not let go.

Look, sir.

What's that?

I'm going

home.

We haven't got a home.

There's no escape from this green hell.

I can't stand it. I can't stand it. Shut up!

Water snakes in the river, sir.

Are they poisonous?

But only in meetings, isn't it?

What are they doing now?

Meeting.

Keep close, because I don't want Gunnar Thugden to hear this.

Now, I think under the circumstances, it would be just as well not to mention

the snakes to Gunnar Thugden.

Have I your word on this? Yes, good.

Now, the question is, what are we going to do about it?

Well, sir, we could take the snake's attention away from Gunnar Thugden

across by creating a diversion amongst them.

Creating a diversion amongst them?

How can you divert snakes?

It's just rubbish.

We could throw something in the water.

Did you hear that, sir?

Well done. Clever boy.

How's about using one of the charwalla's cakes?

Yeah, it's worth a try.

Give me a couple of them cakes, charwalla.

Shut up.

That'll be before I mess up.

Shut up.

She's to work, sir.

That's not much good.

Except to prove his snakes don't like cakes, sir.

We'd better get Sugden across, Sergeant Major. Stop! Move yourself!

Get ready, Sugden.

What about all the little spurts of water in the river? Oh, nothing for you

worry about, subterranean undercurrent boy.

Now then, pay attention.

When you get to the other side, you will tie this rope to a tree.

You understand?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Right.

Off you go.

Now? Yes, now.

Give him a push, boys.

Sergeant Major, he's stranded.

I'll go over.

Oh, no, boy, I... No, let him go, Sergeant Major.

It'll take two days to build this bridge.

We've wasted enough time as it is. Carry on, Parkinson.

He's done it, sir.

Brave, clever boy.

Let that be an example to the rest of you post.

back, sir. You fool, Parkers. We don't want him back. We want the rope across.

The rope.

This man is a congenital idiot, sir.

I don't think it's as bad as that, sir.

Probably swinging across made the blood rush to his head and he got confused.

Oh, I got confused, sir. Get that rope across, Sugden.

Up he'll dizzy.

Shut up.

This time give him a real good push.

caught up.

rope him for?

Don't mention the snake, Suggler.

Suggler, if you do not get it right this time, you is for the eye jump.

Right.

Swing him off.

At last.

Now, as soon as he's tied it off, I will pull it tight and you lot tie it off at

this end.

I've tied it off.

Stand back, you poofs. This is a man's job.

I'll be right back.

Two days of slavery.

Look at my hands. Look, they're ruined.

Never mind, Pat. Oh, we got it done.

Oh, it is beautiful, Britt South.

Oh, hi, you soldier boys.

Kindly inform your superior officer that the medical supplies have arrived.

Colonel Reynolds South, medical supplies are here, South.

How do you do? I'm Colonel Reynolds.

Everything's waiting for you.

I'm Dr. Ram, first class, honors degree, Calcutta University.

How do you do?

You got your message?

The bridge is all ready. Good.

Bridge? What bridge?

What are you talking about?

There, see?

What the hell is going on here? I never mention anything about a bridge.

It's here in the message.

Look, can you get a bridge across river? Bridge will carry urgent medical

supplies. No, no, not a bridge, a fridge.

Where are you going to plug it in? It is a portable fridge, full of ice.

It's perfectly obvious what happened, sir.

Parking took a B for an F.

You see, F is ditty -dar -dit, and B is dar -ditty -dit.

He got his ditties and dars the wrong way round.

Why didn't you do it? What's the rest of the message?

Use the pontoon!

We didn't have time to build a pontoon.

You will never get this heavy fridge across the bridge. Use the pontoon!

I keep telling you, sick head!

We did not have time to build a pontoon. This fridge contains vaccine.

It is urgently needed.

You must use the pontoon.

The man has taken leave of his senses, Sergeant Major. Get him out of here.

got to think.

Clark, Evans, get him out of here. Look here, sir. I know people in the high

places. Use the pontoon.

Use the pontoon.

Use the pontoon.

the hell do we get that heavy fridge across?

Well, sir, if we, um, if we, uh... It's a tricky one, sir.

Excuse me, sir. Why don't we remove the blocks of ice and carry them over one at

a time?

Why don't we remove the blocks?

That's it, sir!

Hawkins!

Jolly good show. Well done.

Absolutely personal.

Give her one each, Punkawalla.

One man at a time on that bridge.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Can you move on before the ice melts?

You neck -bomber, dear.

Zoffy, Tom, Zoffy!

Get excited. Keep cool.

Try getting ice on heads up. Shut up!

that size measure.

this bridge, Ashford, and for nothing.

That man Parkins is an idiot, putting a B for an F.

It would never have happened in the first place, sir, if they called it an

Electrolux.

You know, there is an old Hindu proverb which says, if you see a small elephant

boy sitting beside a very large dead elephant, crying his eyes out, this does

not necessarily mean that he loved the elephant.

He may be crying, because he has to bury it.

Bye.

Bye. Bye.