Original subtitles

Meet the Gang Con, the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With Tom and Kedget and Jojo and you. With us about, you and Phil Blue. So

the Gang Con, the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Blimey, what terrible disaster.

Fate has kicked Concert Party in crotch and then some.

They have been posted to terrible Burma, right up the dreaded front.

Oh, the poor Concert Party, they are ruddy, marvellous people.

And are they downhearted?

Yes.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

It is too sad for words.

I can feel the tears coming into my eyes.

I won't be able to go on.

I shall break.

I know I shall break.

Come on, Gloria, pull yourself together. Use your common sense.

No -one's going to take us seriously as a fighting unit, are they?

The British won't. The Japanese might.

It's the end of the road for me.

And the next patient, I shall get off the train.

And I shall commit suicide.

Bombardier, King's regulations clearly state that bombardiers is not permitted

to commit suicide.

Anyways, you is not allowed off the train, so you cannot.

One thing's certain, I'm not committing suicide.

Neither am I.

I haven't had lunch yet.

I'm knowing what we should be doing. We should all be singing a jolly cheerio

song like...

white flip -flops... Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up!

The sergeant major, sir.

I'm a little joke, sir.

The point is, we are taking the shows to the chaps who are actually doing the

fighting. Will we be close up the front line?

I wouldn't say all that close, would you, Ashford?

No, not all that close. No, not all that close.

The best thing you can do when a sergeant is to practice singing not too

them Javanese do not join in the chorus.

We'll be in a camp, sir.

Good question, clever boy. Did you hear that, sir? Will we be in a camp?

Well, no. Not exactly. We're stationed temporarily in a village called Tin Min.

How far from the Japanese?

How far would you say? Ten, twenty miles?

Well, it all depends where they are at the time. It's quite like that.

Depends where they are at the time.

What happens if we go to entertain the men who are actually doing the fighting,

and when we get there, they're actually doing the fighting?

We joins in.

Well, we're not really supposed to do that, you know. What sort of shows are

going to do?

Little quiet ones.

Shut up!

The important thing is to take the chap's minds off the actual fighting.

Colonel, sir, you should ask Sergeant Major Cobb to tell the men some of his

very funny ha -ha dirty jokes.

Shut up!

Well, the bear can't take, sir. Probably not.

Excuse me, sir, what sort of a village is Tinmin?

What sort of a village is Tinmin?

Tinmin, Mr. Lauderdoc, under Graham, is a village just like any other jungle

village. With a lot of trees.

Will it be like the New Forest?

No, not exactly.

More a cross between Torquay and Wimbledon Cop.

two men's first at Varsha.

Who, me?

Yes, you.

I'll keep you covered.

Oh, wouldn't it be better if I kept you covered?

Get on with it.

Just a minute. What are we searching for?

Japanese.

Japanese?

But they're supposed to be miles away.

You cannot be too careful, Bobadilla. Them little yellow devils can crawl in

hide anywhere.

Come on, Petal. Well, go on, Petal.

Shall I go too, Sergeant Major?

No.

Brave boy.

You stay with me by here.

In reserve. First principle of military manoeuvres, always have something in

reserve.

Good. In we go, Jack.

Sir, I think I would most enjoy living here if I was monkey.

Shut up!

I say, rum sort of place, isn't it?

Hey, are these things what they use for ouses?

Yes, Colonel Clark, and what is more, that is what you is going to use for

ouses. Excuse me, sir.

How long are we going to be here?

Well, it's not easy to say, but on the whole, not an awfully short time.

Never mind, sir. We soon get the place brassed up. The men can sleep over

We can parade by here. And we'll make a flagpole somewhere over there.

A couple of buckets of whitewash will be just like home.

Shut up! Shut up!

You've got to make it not your own guard. The rest of you get yourself

organised, that basher. Right, chaps, let's get the basher organised, shall

Just a minute.

I'm the bombardier. I'll give the orders.

Well?

Come on, chaps, let's get the basher organised.

This has better be ours, Ashford.

What, this thing?

What's the matter with it?

It's a bit sort of public, isn't it, sir?

The men will be able to see us getting undressed.

We'll just have to do it under a towel, like people do on the sands.

I shall do it under my dressing gown.

Here you are, Sergeant Major.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Where are you dusting down?

What makes you up, that lofty boy? You want to keep near me for safety?

No, I want to be a long way off.

Now, don't tell me you was afraid of your dear old Sergeant Major.

You make a lot of noises at night.

Shut up.

You keep me awake. Shut up. Snoring. Shut up.

Somebody's left a stew on us.

It's probably been there for days.

Smells all right.

It's probably made of monkey and tree... Monkey and tree!

It's a good recipe.

Sergeant Major?

Yes, lovely boy?

Will they be bringing charpoys for us to sleep on?

No, Gunner Parkins. You see, you is on active service now.

And whilst you is on active service, they does not bring you charpoys.

Because there is no they, only us.

Aye. And them?

Shut up, Macintosh! Do we sleep on the floor then, sir?

We sleeps on the floor.

No Pali arses?

No Pali arses.

When are we going home then?

Do not worry.

I will be showing you all how to improvise a charpoy from bamboo and a

airy string.

at seven in the morning, if you've got nothing better to do, you can play

noughts and crosses on each other's backsides.

Oh, we British are so good at putting on brave faces, isn't it?

Sir, may I? Oh, thank you very much indeed.

I've just been having a conference with Captain Atwood. We were trying to figure

out why this place didn't look sort of army -fied.

And the Colonel came up with a solution just like that.

Oh, yes, sir.

Notices.

Thank you, Bond, sir. We need a lot of notices.

I see, sir. What sort of notices?

Well, in the first place, a notice to say it's our HQ.

Yes, I thought of that.

And then another over there to say officers' quarters.

And another over here to say warrant officers' mess.

What about the men, sir?

They can mess where they like.

A new room for two rooms where every day

is a holiday.

Because you are married.

No, no, no. You carry on. You're doing a first -rate job.

No,

no. You stay by here, boy. In reserve. Remember, keep your head down.

Head down, too, you silly, dumb coony.

Bad Hollywood movie.

talk to me in that tone of voice, I'm a colonel.

That cuts no ice with me, mate. So am I. What do you think, Ashwin?

Rather a tricky one, sir.

But I look at it this way.

How do we know he's a colonel? He doesn't look like one.

And what's more, he speaks with an Australian accent.

How do we know you are a colonel?

Or how do I know you're a colonel?

You could see his pips.

I'm tattooed on my shoulders.

Ah, good on you, Chips.

Here, cast your gritty eyes over that, mate.

Madam Minister, there are the pippies.

He is wearing a colonel's insignature, sir.

Frightfully nice to see you.

My name is Reynolds, and this is Tippi Ashwood, my adjutant.

How do you do?

Lovely Saturday, isn't it?

And I am Rangiram, sir.

Go away.

What are you lot doing in our billets?

Begging your pardon, sir, but you lot are supposed to be on vacation in this

locality two days previous.

Quite right. We had a copy of your orders.

Yeah, well, orders are all very well, but we lost one of our mates from the

jungle. He went walkabout six weeks ago.

Walkabout where?

Well, all over the place.

It's what the abos do.

Is your mate an abo?

No, Appos are Aborigines.

What's your mate, then?

Well, he's from Oodnadada.

Is that better?

Hang on, sir.

It does not matter where he comes from. Them hoarders comes from GHQ.

Quite right, Sergeant Major. They were signed by the General himself.

Oh, yeah, but he wouldn't expect us to leave Ocker behind, would he? Ocker?

Our mate.

Oh, from Oodnadada.

Oh, me to help? with a man who'll leave his mate in the jungle just because of

some crummy orders.

Oh, isn't that lovely? I mean, that is true friendship.

I mean, you wouldn't find any of our officers the same. Shut up.

How do you know he hasn't sort of passed over?

Passed over?

Yeah, called to a higher place.

Come again?

Beg your pardon, sir, snuffed it.

Oh, he'd be keeled over.

No, no, not Ocker.

Besides, we've seen him.

And sometimes on a still night, you can hear him calling.

What does he say?

Oh, it's pathetic, I tell you.

Sometimes he cries, beer, beer, ice -cold beer.

Hurry, move in, sir.

Yeah, that's not all.

What really gets us is when he cries, Sheila, Sheila, Sheila!

Is that the name of his girl?

That's the name of... of any girl.

That's very moving as well.

Shut up.

No, sir. One time my mother -in -law got lost in jungle and my wife went looking

for her calling ma, ma.

That is Hindu for mummy, sir.

No, sir, it nearly break my heart. My mother -in -law has ears like tree back.

So she heard my wife and was not lost anymore.

Shut up.

But when you see him, why can't you run after him and catch him?

Oh, no, no. After six weeks in the jungle, he's like a kangaroo.

We even tried to lure him with a saucer of beer.

But the tigers got there first.

Tigers?

Tigers?

You've done it again, haven't you?

You never said nothing about no tigers!

Steady, bombardier.

It's too much! It really is too much!

We've got scorpions, pythons, copras... Snakes, leeches, mosquitoes, as big as

flying vultures, and now it's as big as tigers.

I want to go home. I want to go back to dear land.

That went all over me.

Oh, dear house, I'd never mind.

What are you going to do next?

Well, I reckon we might get boozed up and then get our heads down.

Care to join us?

No, thanks, Ophir.

Well, please yourself.

Here, come on, fellas.

You see that, sir?

They've taken over our bash, sir.

I say, that's a bit thick.

Sergeant Major, there's a big Australian sitting in my bed.

All right, Goldilocks, we knows.

Couldn't we complain to someone, sir?

If they don't take any notice of GHQ, I mean, who can we complain to? Colonel

Scott. I will go with Chawala and Pankawala and we will get three big

and fill them full of big, red, stingy, biting ants.

And we will pour the ants on the floor of the basher's house. They will crawl

into their pants and make them run like ruddy damsels.

Sorry, Sergeant Major.

I will shut up and try not to be clever, Dickie.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major.

Why don't we...

Help them to find their little friend.

And then maybe they might go home.

We've got to do something, sir.

I've got it.

Let's have breakfast.

Shut up!

Sir, you can have beautiful, hard, very cheap chow while you do your big tink.

That sounds rather a good idea.

Yes, all right. Have chow now, chaps, and we'll have breakfast later.

I've made some biking out of a ferret.

A ferret?

At least I think it was a ferret.

He smoked it all night over the bark of a banyan tree. Come on, let's have some

porridge here if you fancy it.

I've got a wheel, sir. You've probably been sleeping in a damn bed.

I mean an idea about how to catch their mate.

Uh -huh.

Well, you know the concert party have got their costumes?

Yeah. Why don't we get one of the men to dress up as this girl Sheila?

What for?

Well, then we can put him in the jungle and use him as sort of bait.

That is correct, sir.

That is what we British do.

That's the sort of thing.

It's the best idea I've heard for years.

Yes, quite.

Better ask for a volunteer, sir.

Beg your pardon, sir.

I does not think that this is a suitable prospect for volunteering.

I think we should have a sort of selection board, sir, to get the right

That's it. We'll have an audition.

Good. Right!

Come on, come on, come on. I am waiting for you.

Stand properly.

Squad, down.

Turn that ice.

Right. Now, the officers will select a man to dress up as the girl sheeler to

lure the haughty mate out of the jungle.

Not you, bearer, not you.

Now, when your name is called, you will come smartly to attention.

Take one pace forward. Get a clock.

Sir.

What do you think?

Personally, I find him rather unattractive, sir.

Next. Gather round, boys!

Awfully common sort of face, isn't it?

Ordinary, to say the least.

Not only that, sir. There is the small matter of the perfume of the smoked

ferret.

Yes, quite out of the question.

Next. Gather parkings, sir.

Ah. Totally unsuitable, sir.

He was absolutely wizard, but he was dressed up as Zatu Pit.

Fine -looking boy, sir, of course, but his shoulders are far too masculine.

Next.

Constructed!

Constructed!

Come here.

Ridiculous.

Impossible.

Next. Telegram!

Sir?

too studious, don't you think?

I don't know, sir. It might appeal to the man who goes for the blue stocking

type.

I shouldn't think ochre is a blue stocking, you know.

Next. Bobbity a Beaumont!

Oh,

Sergeant Major Thub, when Beaumont Thub dresses up as woman, Charwalla thinks

she's so beautiful, he doesn't know whether he's round the bend or on the

You tell damn untrue lie, you'll know he's... You're this way, then that way,

like that he talks through.

Your mother was a dirty doobie woman. And that is false, like your father's

teeth. Shut up!

I must admit, sir, he makes an absolutely first -class Ginger Rogers.

On the other hand, we can't get too close in case we frighten this chappy

So he'll have to grapple single -handed with this Australian madman.

I wouldn't be very good at that.

Perhaps we ought to consider what type of woman these Aussies go for.

Oh, well, generally speaking, sir, I'd say they was inclined to the big, busty,

well -built, parlayed type.

Gunner McIntosh?

Gunner McIntosh.

I am the burthouse, and you are the staff.

How long's he been gone, fellas?

Four hours.

So I've been jungle. That is long enough for much naughty mischief. Oh, I hope

he shows up soon.

Me too. I don't think I like Australians sitting in my bed. You don't know where

they'd be.

I'm worried sick about him.

Absolutely worried sick.

He went out so noble, so brave.

His head held high.

His chest thrust out.

That's so his wig wouldn't drop off and his boobs fall through his skirt.

You should have sent somebody with him. It was irresponsible. That's what it

was, irresponsible.

Shut up.

He only has to blow his whistle.

You've martyred him, thrown him to the lions.

Shut up.

He can look after himself, does he? Or does he not do a strong man act in your

show?

Why, yes.

Well, does he or does he not bend iron bars with his bare hands?

Yes. Then he can bend a Australian.

Sergeant Major, I think this is McIntosh coming now, sir.

Good boy, very alert.

Sir, sir, Gunner McIntosh is returning now, sir.

He was spotted by Gunner Parkins, sir.

He's a very alert soldier, that one, sir. I think we should keep an eye on

sir. I know I've said this before, sir, but I do think he could...

Did you see him? Aye, I saw him. Well, why did you not grapple with him?

Well, I could hear him creeping up ahead of me, you know, in the undergrowth,

till he was about 20 yards away.

How awful.

What did you do?

Well, I turned and gave him an encouraging smile.

And what happened then?

He ran away back into the jungle.

I wonder what we did wrong.

Well, if you ask me, sir, a man would have to be in the jungle a damn sight

longer than six months to fancy gun a man.

You cheeky coolie.

Go and pull your punk up.

He never passed for a woman in a thousand years.

It's an art, and it's a craft.

Yes, I agree with the bombardier, sir. It is a heart, and it is a craft.

And it helps if you is a poof.

I resent that. Why don't you do it, Gloria?

No. No, I won't. Certainly not.

I'm not going to throw myself into the arms of a sex -starved jolly swagman,

that is final.

Yes, we could do it like the big game hunters do when they're after tigers.

We could take up hides in trees and things.

And Gloria Tharp could be good.

That's it. They drive a stick into the ground and tie the goat's leg to it.

What do you think, sir?

I'd be all for it, sir, if we can drive a stake into the ground and tie his foot

to it.

Little joke, sir.

Get Bombardier Beaumont and we'll have a word with him. Beaumont!

You are too beautiful,

my dear, to be true.

And I am too much to allow with beauty.

Gloria,

you look marvellous. Well, I must say I have gone to a lot of trouble, and I

think it's paid off.

Do not worry, Sergeant Major, sir. I've made char while I have cold bath.

His figure looks absolutely ravishing. Did you think so, sir?

Moderately. Listen carefully.

Gunner Macintosh will take us to the place where Ocker was last seen. That's

right, isn't it, Sergeant Major?

Perfectly correct, sir.

The new bombardier will walk up and down, singing as best you can.

and flaunting yourself.

You will also give a come -in -the -look every six paces. We will be hiding in

the trees, in pairs, every 20 yards.

Sergeant Major, what do I do if he comes up to me and... Well, you know.

You give him a bear hug.

We will drop from the trees.

Like a stone.

Shut up!

Right, prepare to move.

The commanding officer said, let's have you by the way, sir. Shall we ask them

Australians to come with us? What are they doing now?

Bashing their charpoys, sir. What?

Snoring, sir. Oh, no, no, no. Let them have a good sleep.

And when we come back, they can take up their ochre and go.

Very good, sir. Right, come on, let's have you. Come on, you charpoys, let me

have you.

Gee,

it is great after being out late, walking my baby back home.

Armin. Arm over meadow and farm.

Watching my baby back home.

My shoes are going to be ruined.

That's my stocking. Shut up.

If Azizab has been six weeks in jungle, he will not notice his small ladder in

his topic.

Let's run about here.

I was over there and he was here when he saw me. Then he ran away.

Here is fruit print.

He must have gone a hell of a leg.

Do you blame him?

Very witty boy, very witty. Got the pockets of any witty dancer.

If we were hunting the tiger, we would tie the goat there.

And then we would hide in these trees.

Good. Let's deploy our forces.

Right into the trees, boys.

sort of naked and vulnerable.

Any qualms, bombardier. Everywhere you go, friendly eyes will be watching you.

It's damn quiet, sir.

A bit too quiet.

Make a noise like a gibbon.

Yes, sir.

How's it go?

Oh, yes.

The Aussie man, Akar, is in love.

You know, in your holy book, there is a piece which say, you must love your

neighbor as if he were yourself.

And there is an old Hindu proverb which say, if you kiss a thief, count your

teeth.

I am thinking that between these two is the great truth.

Hey,

hey, hey. Hey,

hey, hey. Hey,

hey,

hey.

B -O -Y -S, boys, to entertain you!